Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 5 - PB&J - full transcript

Parenting is
exhausting.

You're tired because you were
up until 5:00 in the morning

playing a game
on your phone.

It's not a game. It's a
realistic pizza parlor simulator.

It's very different,
there's no winning.

Then why do you play?

To ear pizza points
to get better toppings.

What's up, Peralta?

Hey, Trudy Judy
and Dog Judy.

What's going on? Are you
puppy sitting for Doug?

Well, I was,
but I need you to take him for me,



because I'm going on a little vacay,
and let's just say

there's going to be
some activities

that aren't suitable
for a little dog.

Mmm!

Like parasailing.

Thought you were building
to something much more sexual.

Nope. Just really
pumped for parasailing.

Also, there's gonna
be a lot of .

But the dog's okay
with that. Here.

Oh! As much as we would love to take
of this extremely un-neutered animal,

we can't,
because I'm too allergic.

Wait, why isn't Doug Judy
taking care of Dog Judy?

Is he out of town
or something?

Oh, no! You didn't hear.



Doug got arrested.
He's going to prison.

Wait, what?

Doug got arrested.
He's going to prison.

Yeah, no, I heard you.
I was just processing.

Aww. You wanna
hug a dog?

Oh,
my God. It's like a third of him.

Sup, Peralta?

Hey, what's going on? Why
didn't you tell me you were in jail?

Did you not want me to
find out who arrested you?

Is there another cop
in your life?

No, none of these pigs
mean jack to me.

No of fence, Davin,
you've been great this week.

I don't understand. I
thought you went straight.

I did. I got a job,
I have a wife.

But the other day I was
driving to the new mega Target

in South Orange, New Jersey,

because they have 50% off
whole home mesh wireless systems.

With a rebate?
No.

Discount taken
at register.

Oh, you gotta hit that.

I know.

But on my way over there,
a guy rear ended me,

and the cops showed up. Turns
out had a warrant out for my arrest.

But we wiped
your criminal record.

You wiped
my New York record.

I stole a car in Trenton
five years ago.

Well, you still should've called
me. I could've helped you out.

Wouldn't have mattered. There's
a lot of evidence against me.

I left a picture of me
at the scene of the crime

with a note bragging
about how I did it.

Ah. Well... Yes,
that would make it difficult.

Impossible. They're moving me
to South Woods Prison tomorrow.

Tomorrow?
I know.

But you know what really
bums me out?

I had no warning.

Only wish I had known
it was gonna happen,

so I could have one last moment
of joy before I get taken to jail.

But alas. 'Tis not to be.

Wait a minute. What if it
'tis to be?

What if I drive you
to prison?

We could have
one more adventure.

Honestly, Jake, I don't see
how it's possible

to have fun
on a trip to prison.

Yeah. It sucks.

But...

I don't know, maybe for just a few
hours you could focus on the journey.

And not the destination.

Focus on the journey,
not the destination.

I like that. Did you steal it
from a car commercial?

No, it was an Instagram ad
for a travel bidet.

Look, I know
it's not perfect,

but if you say yes,

I promise I will plan some
sexy-ass surprises.

How sexy we talking?

How sexy you got?

Is that a '79 Pontiac
Trans Am?

Sexy-ass surprise
number one.

We're riding in style.

Can't believe the
Department of Corrections

was cool with you taking
your friend to prison.

Well, I can be
very persuasive.

I got the guy and his family a 6-day
pass to Pirate's Cove Waterpark.

So many days in the water.

The family is
gonna be pruney.

Yeah, it wasn't
a good bribe.

Well, let's hit the road.

Before we do that,
there's another surprise.

But I'm gonna need your hands
free for this one.

Whoa, wait.
You got a pen?

I wanna show you a little
trick I learned from a magician

who, for legal purposes,
shall remain nameless,

but is unquestionably

a mind freak.

Cries Angel.

I can neither confirm
nor deny. Bam!

Your cuffs
and your pen, sir.

That was
incredibly fast.

Consider my
mind freaked.

On that note,
it is time

for sexy-ass surprise
number two.

A classic Jake and Judy
outfit change.

I'm feeling this print.

I thought you might.

We got tigers
and toucans.

Tigers and toucs!

Ooh. And now for
the piece de resistance.

A little French. I like
where this is going.

Et voilà.

"PB and & J"?

Pontiac Bandit and Jake

go together like
peanut butter and jelly.

It's never coming off.

Except in a couple of hours when I have
to check into prison for five years.

Bup-bup-bup.

Journey, not the destination.
It's never coming off.

That's the spirit.
Let's ride.

Mind if I DJ?
I was counting on it.

Bust out those banging
bat mitzvah beats, bruv.

Let's see what
you've got.

Kendrick Lamar,
Meek Mill.

Really a lot
of Taylor Swift.

I'm over her.

I barely even memorized
all the lyrics to Folklore.

What's SAF30?

I'm glad you asked,
mon frere.

That track is sexy ass
surprise number three.

Ooh!

Okay, so I know
this audio engineer,

who's friend with a guy,
who's roommates with a guy,

who gets lunch for a guy,
who's friends with a guy,

who knows Drake.

And he laid down a beat
for us to write a song to.

Drake laid down
a beat for us?

What?
No, no, the friend did.

The Drake thing was just to
establish his credentials.

And it worked!

That dude's like six parts
removed from Drake.

He's the real deal.
Mm.

Uh.
Uh.

Uh.
Uh.

Lot of room for "Uhs."
I like that.

I thought you would.

Doug and Jake
Rollin' down the street

PB&J, a tasty li'I treat

Two cool dudes makin'
Sandals for your feet

What?
I was going for the rhyme.

But now I kinda feel
like it's a good idea.

Love it.

Making sandals that last
Is our ideology

Made real by our patented
strapless technology It's magnets

Okay!

Yo! You can wear 'em
On the beach

Wear 'em on a hike

Wear em on a
Peloton exercise bike

Doug and
Jake Two best friends

With the premium open-toed
shoes for men

That was crazy!

We never even rehearsed it.
Just did it perfectly.

It was like Jackson Maine
and Ally.

I call Ally.
Aww, I wanted Ally.

Okay. It's time for sexy-ass
surprise number four.

Let me ask you this.

If you could eat any meal
on earth, what would it be?

Cheeseburger Cracker-flavored
Combos,

Philly cheese steaks
from Pat's,

Popeyes' biscuits,
McDonald's fries,

Wendy's nuggets,
Sonic tots,

fountain Coke, and of course,
my mama's sweet potato pie.

Oh. Wow, that's actually
a very tall order.

Which I completely filled!

What!
You smorgasborded it?

I smorgasborded it!

You know what this
calls for? What's that?

Foot slap!

Whoo!
Whoo!

How did you find
Cheeseburger Cracker Combos?

Weren't they discontinued?
Tell me the whole story.

A bodega in Queens
had an old box.

Wow.
Yeah.

Kinda makes me
sad though.

How come? One day it's out in the world,
thriving,

and then poof,

it's pulled off the streets.

Well, I mean,
it's not like it's gone forever.

You know, it'll be back
in circulation soon.

Maybe.

But sometimes when a product
is taken off the shelves,

it never returns.

It's gonna be okay. I promise
I'll visit the Combos every month.

Combos will be
very grateful for that.

They're lucky
to have a friend like you.

Charles?
Yeah.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Why are you alone with a criminal
who's escaped you multiple times?

Seems like
a loaded question.

That's not even
half my load.

Okay.
Oh, my God. I'm too late.

You're already seduced
by Doug Judy's wiles.

Okay, I appreciate the concern,
but Doug has changed.

This was an old crime and
he's already owned up to it.

He's not trying
to escape.

He's already
out of his handcuffs.

Just so that we could do our
sweet-ass outfit change.

Tigers and Toucans!

Tigers and Toucans!

Obviously,
they're fantastic. But Jake,

by trusting him, you're
putting your job on the line,

which means you're also
putting my job on the line.

How so?
Because if you get fired,

I will swim out into the ocean
until I'm too tired to swim back,

and I will sink to the bottom
and then I won't have a job.

Oh, my God. Well,
I'm already driving him to prison,

so there's nothing
I can do about it now.

Oh, yes, there is.

Welcome to
the Boyle Bus.

Why we getting
into this wack ride?

Charles refuses to accept
what close friends we are.

He thinks you're trying
to escape,

and that your crew's on
the lookout for the Trans Am,

so he insisted we switch
into his weird family bus.

That's ridiculous.

Isn't it? It doesn't matter
what vehicle we're in.

That's what I said. I'm gonna
escape from you either way.

Exactly.
Wait, what was that?

I still
don't understand.

What do you mean
you're escaping?

Sorry, bro.
Plan's already in motion.

Trudy came to you,
you took the bait.

Come on.

If you were really trying to escape,
why would you tell me?

Honestly? I didn't like lying
to you. You're a good friend.

Well, if I'm such a good friend,
why are you trying to escape from me?

I'm not trying
to escape from you,

I'm trying to escape
from prison.

Let me ask you this. Do
you know why I stole that car?

Because you love
doing crimes?

That's me directly quoting
your catchphrase.

First of all, my catchphrase is,
"Slurp, Slurp."

You've never once
said that.

I say it constantly.
Second of all,

me loving crime
is classic empty bravado.

The truth is, I was arrested when
I was 22 for something stupid.

When I got out,
nobody would hire me,

because I had
a criminal record.

My dreams of being a landscape
architect went out the window.

That was your dream? I wanted to
be the Black Edward Scissorhands.

Oh, that's great.
I get all that.

But that's not
what this is about.

I mean, you could've
escaped from anyone,

but you chose to set me up.

And now,
my job and my name are all on the line.

You used me, Doug.
You're a bad friend.

You're the bad friend.
I got you a tracksuit.

Tigers and toucs.

Might as well be a jumpsuit.
A prison jumpsuit.

You're taking me
to prison.

The fact that you thought I'd go
willingly means you don't know me at all.

Oh, please. I know
everything about you.

You didn't know
my catchphrase.

You have never once said,
"Slurp, Slurp," before today.

That you believe that
is so hurtful.

Okay. Well, there's clearly
only one way to settle this.

Ignore him and take him
directly to prison.

A high-stakes
trivia contest

to decide who's
the better friend.

What?
If I win,

you agree not to
try and escape.

But if I win, you agree
to let me go.

Deal.
It's a bad idea.

I cannot let you
take this risk, Jake.

It'll just be like game night
at the Camden Senior Center.

You can be Estelle Minderman.

She's my favorite emcee.

Damn it, I'm in!

Charles!

The name of the game
is called, "Who Knows Mo?

"Friend or Foe? Are You for Real,
or Just For Show?"

A little wordy.
Each contestant

will answer and ask
ten personal questions.

Whoever gets
the most correct answers,

will be crowned
the better friend.

Also there is that whole
going to prison or not thing.

America can't relate to the
prison stuff, it's too real.

It's a game
about friendship.

And may
the better friend win.

Jake,
you will ask the first question. Begin.

What is my middle name?

You tell people it's Zach,
but it's really Jeffery.

No, it's Zach.
Like Zach Morris.

Point for Doug.

What is the name of the alter
ego I use for fancy crimes?

Lord Poncy Cumbershot.

'Tis correct.
Point for Jake.

What is my favorite
Knicks memory?

When they fired
Phil Jackson.

Mm, yeah.

That was a good day.

What's the most embarrassing
thing that has ever happened to me?

Oh, when you were cut out of
that season of Real Housewives

where you were dating
Ramona. I wasn't embarrassed.

I was just disappointed in
the way it was handled. Yeah.

What is my
least favorite word?

Buttress. It just makes me
picture a mattress with a butt.

What is my
least favorite thing?

Meringue. Because it looks
so much better than it tastes.

It's a trick food!

Doug's up by one.

Jake, you need to answer the final
question correctly, otherwise he wins.

Doug, lay it on him.

Mm. Jake Peralta,
do I have an earring?

Um...

What?
You heard me.

We've been in the car
for three hours,

you've known me
for seven years.

Do I have an earring?

Oh,
no. I'm drawing a blank.

I can kind of picture
a diamond stud.

That'd be a good look.
Or maybe

a gold cross,
or a little hoop?

I do have versatile ears.

Now I'm just seeing it
pretty clearly with no earring.

Argh, this is hard.

But I'm gonna go
with my gut and say...

yes, you do have
an earring.

Nothing but lobe?

This whole time?
Since the day we met.

I guess I know you
better after all.

Or... do you?

Wait, why are you smiling?

Because, we played you.

If you actually
knew me,

you would've known
that I only agreed to do

"Who Knows Mo? Friend or Foe?
Are You for Real, or Just For Show?"

In order to stall.

I was in on it.

Estelle Minderman is the code
word we use for when there's a twist.

Because when Estelle hosts
game night at the senior center,

she always makes sure one
of the games has a sexy twist.

And when I was
writing my answers into my phone,

I was secretly
texting Captain Holt

our vehicle description
and location.

Backup is already
on the way.

Wait. Why are you
smiling now?

Because I played you.

I knew you would
text for backup.

So I changed your contacts
while I was DJing.

Kendrick Lamar, Meek Mills.

Really a lot of Taylor Swift.

So when you were
texting Captain Holt,

you were actually
texting Trudy Judy.

State troopers are on their
way. Sincerely, Raymond Holt.

Now my crew knows
exactly where we are,

and exactly
what we're driving.

Because I know you more.

Slurp, Slurp.

What do we do?

We can't outrun
Doug's men.

Boyle Bus tops out at 50.

Shh. I'm calling Holt
for help.

Go for Trudy.

Oh, damn it!

Yeah, I changed
all the numbers.

Come on. Charles,
give me your phone.

All right, all right.

Peralta, what's going on?

Sir, I need your help.

Doug Judy tricked me,
and now his crew knows our location

and are on their way
to help him escape.

Hey, Captain Holt.
Doug says hi.

How many times have I
warned you not to trust that man?

A lot of times.

But honestly, you tell me
not to things so often

I kinda just tune it out.

If Doug Judy escapes,

I can't help you.
You will be fired.

Okay, I know I messed up.

Can you at least
get us some backup?

Send me a pin
of your location.

I'll have state troopers
rendezvous with you.

Do Judy's men know
what you're driving?

Yes, they...
No, not for long.

What the hell is this?

This is the front
of a Galaxie 500,

welded to the back
of a Datsun,

with half its windows
and no trunk.

It's all I could afford.

You really think you're going
to make it to the prison in that?

Well, we only have
38 miles left.

So, sorry, Judy, but it looks
like I have the upper hand now.

Door fell off.

So, what do you
wanna talk about?

Nothing. We're not
talking anymore.

No. No phone call for you.

She's calling for you.

Yeah, it was going to be
another fun road trip surprise.

But you don't deserve...
'Sup, Rosa?

Judy, Judy, Judy...

No, no. There's no
singing for him now.

But you made me learn
such a long song.

It has 35 verses
and no chorus.

I know, I'm sorry.

But plans have changed.

Mm, let me guess. Doug wasn't excited
about prison and now he's trying to escape?

You know it.
Yes.

Good luck, Doug.

Thank you for planning
that. What's the next surprise?

There isn't one. You ruined
it. There's no more fun.

So that's how it is? When it
was gonna end with me in prison,

we could have a good time.

But now it's gonna end with
me riding off into the sunset,

a free man,
and we're all moody?

You're not escaping. And if you did,
I would lose my badge.

Maybe it's for the best.
You'd make a dope realtor.

I don't want to be a realtor.

You're telling me you don't want
to sell a penthouse to Zayn Malik,

and then party
with him afterwards?

I mean...

That does sound kinda cool.

Next thing you know,
you're the go-to guy

for all of One Direction's
property needs.

No! There's too much tension
between Zayn and the others.

You're selling me
a pipe dream.

All I'm saying is you're
more than just your job.

It doesn't matter. It still doesn't
give you the right to get me fired.

Honestly, seems like a small
price to pay for my freedom.

Think about it.
It's all I ask.

Finally.

Captain Raymond Holt
called in for backup.

We're supposed to escort you
to the prison.

Copy that. Thanks.

What are y'all wearing?

Tigers and toucans. Yessir.
Tigers and toucans. Yessir.

Interesting. And why
isn't he cuffed?

Don't worry about it. Peralta knows
I wouldn't physically overwhelm him.

What's happening here is more
of a mental overwhelmsion.

There's been no
overwhlemsion of any kind.

And yet I just tricked you into
thinking overwhelmsion is a word.

No.

Stay in contact
if you need anything.

Thank you.

Hey, if we're not gonna talk,
can we at least play some music?

I can get with this.

Oom-pah, oom-pah
Oom-pah, oom-pah...

What are you doing?

Wow. I can't have
a diverse musical palate?

I'm not sure what you're so
happy about. I have backup now.

I'm choosing to focus

on the journey,
not the destination.

Suit yourself.

Wait.

Wait, this isn't part
of your plan, is it?

Are the state troopers
actually your guys?

Sounds like something
I would do.

I mean,
how would you even have contacted them?

Unless somebody messed
with Holt's phone.

Classic Doug.

No, that's crazy.
You're just bluffing.

Also classic Doug.

Rerouting.

Rerouting?

It's probably nothing. I'm sure
we're going down a side road

away from the prison
for a good reason.

Hey, this is Peralta.

Why did you guys just
turn? Where are you going?

This is
the way to the prison.

I'm heading into a trap,
aren't I?

Hard to say.
But if those are your guys,

what are they waiting for?
Don't know.

But if they're not your guys,
where are we going?

Unclear.
I'm calling Charles.

What's up, Peralta?

No!

All right, Jake.
Stay calm.

This all makes sense.

You called for backup,
then Holt said backup was coming,

and now they're here.
These guys are real.

If you can't trust them,
you can't trust anyone.

You're right.
That's good logic.

I can't trust anyone.

Okay. We lost them.

I gotta know. Were they
actually your guys?

Nope.
Damn it. I knew it.

Whatever. Doesn't
matter anyway.

We're almost there. We're just
taking a different route.

At the next
intersection, turn left.

Wait. this doesn't
look right.

Sure it does. We just took a
different route, like you said.

Came in the back way.

Yeah, but, prison
should be visible.

You have reached
your destination.

Uh-oh.

Slurp, Slurp, Peralta.

Slurp, Slurp!

I don't understand.
How did this happen?

Remember when I
switched out your contacts?

I also changed the
destination on your GPS.

So we've been driving to the
wrong place this whole time?

Everything else
was just a distraction?

I wanted you to focus on the journey,
not the destination.

Yeah. Got that from you.

Dumbass.
He's not a dumb-ass, Trudy.

It was
a brilliant plan.

Yeah, hinged on him
handing you his phone

and not noticing that he was
driving directly to us.

Yeah, but there was also
some mental misdirection.

It was a bit of a chess match,
it's true.

Yeah. Chess match
with a dumb-ass.

All right, we gotta move.
Judys, you get in the SUV.

I'll take care of the cop.

What do you mean,
"take care of him"?

Shoot him in the face.
What!

Doug, who are these guys?

I don't know. Trudy,
who are these guys?

Well, you're old crew split
when you went legit.

So I put an ad for goons
on the Internet.

TaskRabbit?
Craigslist.

Trudy! Never contact
Craigslist crooks.

He's a cop,
he's seen our faces.

It's okay, he doesn't care about
you. He doesn't even know your name.

It's Vince Thompson.
Don't tell him.

Look, I'm just after Doug.
That's it.

Yeah. He's gonna
forget all about you,

guy whose name
I can't even remember.

It's Vince Michael Thompson.

What is wrong with you?

Look, you can let us do
what you hired us to do,

or you can join
your buddy in a ditch.

Fair enough.

Fair enough.
Enjoy the ditch, Jake.

"Enjoy the ditch"?

Those are your
final words to me?

Hey man, this is not a game.
And I'm not Estelle Minderman.

Life is about choices,
difficult choices.

And sometimes...
Now!

All right. Nobody move.
Stay where you are.

See you later, dumb-ass.

I'll take the prisoner.

Oh. Can you actually
give me one second?

Thanks. Look,
Doug. I'm sorry it's gotta be like this.

If you're mad at me,
I get it.

I'm not mad
at you. I'm mad at myself.

I should've never become
friends with a cop.

I mean, how did
I expect this to end?

Well, regardless,

thanks for saving me back there
with the Estelle Minderman thing.

Wasn't gonna let them hurt you,
Jake. We're PB&J.

We're PB&J.

I wanna hug you, but...
you're cuffed.

You can hug me.

Okay.

You can take him.

I'll see you soon.

Peralta.
There's a call for you.

Oh, is it a casting agent
from Double Dare?

I submitted as a kid. Maybe they're
finally calling to put me on the show.

You think they'd be
calling 30 years later?

All right, fine. I also
submitted to the reboot.

It's not Double Dare.

It's an inmate from
South Hill State Prison.

Doug Judy.

Hello?
Hey, Peralta, what's good?

Hey, Doug.
Are you okay?

I wanted you to know,
and I've been thinking about it a lot.

I didn't mean what I said.
I'm glad I met you.

Sure, it ended badly,

but we had some good times
along the way, too.

We went on a cruise together.

We flew on Mark Cuban's jet.

We ate at a restaurant
next to Gail from Top Chef.

And then you got so mad at her
about Last Chance Kitchen.

I wasn't mad. I just think it's insane
that they make you go online to watch it.

The point is, I wouldn't trade
those moments for anything.

I'm choosing to focus
on the journey.

Wait a minute.
What language was that?

I don't know. Maybe Dutch.
There's a lot of that in here.

You know how active
the Dutch mafia is in Jersey.

Judy.
Okay, fine.

Surprise!
I'm in Amsterdam.

I escaped from prison.

My wife and I are living
the life here now.

Amsterdam is great.

Jake, they got
universal healthcare,

legalized marijuana,

and the workers are treated
so much better,

but you know
what the best part is?

That you're a free man again.

No. Stroopwafels.

They're like these wafer
cookies with caramel in between.

Oh, yeah, I think I've seen
those at Trader Joe's.

Well, look. I guess I'm
happy that you're happy.

Well, I owe it all to you.

What do you mean? I
think you know what I mean.

Uh, nope. No idea.

Really? Because after
we hugged goodbye,

I noticed your pen
was in my pocket.

Oh. That's weird. It was?

Uh-huh. And then I used it
to mind freak myself

out of my cuffs
and then out of jail.

Well, then I guess it's certainly
lucky that it ended up in your pocket.

I wonder
how it got there.

Yeah, well... I guess
we'll never know.

Well, however it got there,
I'm glad it did.

I love you, Peralta.

I love you too, Judy.

Tigers and toucs!

Tigers and toucs.