Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 4 - Balancing - full transcript

Listen up,
everyone.

We had a murder this morning,
the vic was found at 8:45

by a dog walker who let
herself into his apartment...

Oh, my God.
It's Franzia.

This is the work of Johnny Franzia,
my white whale.

He's finally
resurfaced.

Not this again.
Yes, this again.

Johnny Franzia has been on a
murder spree for the past ten years.

And every time he kills someone,
he taunts me.

Look, there's
a deck of cards.

You say that whenever
there's cards at a crime scene.



You know how many
people own cards, Jake?

Then explain this.

Johnny Franzia's catch
phrase is "deuces are wild."

Now look around
the apartment.

Two chairs, two paintings,
two pillows.

There are three lamps. You think
Franzia gives a damn about lamps?

You sound
so dumb right now.

This is why you don't have
an archnemesis, Terry,

because you focus
on the wrong details.

Maybe I don't have an archnemesis
because I solve all my crimes.

That's a pretty
thing to say to me.

You wanted
to see us, Captain?

I'm giving the murder
to someone else.

What? You're taking me
off the Franzia case?



My God!

He got to you,
didn't he?

I assure
you he did not.

I've never heard of
Johnny Franzia before today.

Well, it was mostly
before you arrived.

Actually, your entire
first year here,

I was convinced
you were Franzia,

which I now realize
is completely ridiculous.

Or is it?

I have no investment
in this backstory. Right.

I'm taking you off the case because
because you both asked for reduced hours

to focus on childcare, and Santiago
has a big presentation this week.

If our pilot program
to reimagine how uniformed

officers are deployed
gets funded,

it will represent
a significant reform

for the NYPD.

Sir, we can take
care of Mac

and still do both
of our jobs.

Trust me, we've got this whole
parenting thing figured out.

It's true, we're great
and Mac is great.

I mean, the only
teeny-tiny issue

is that he isn't pulling
himself up yet,

but the window for that
is nine to 12 months.

So the fact that he's ten months
old and he isn't doing it yet

doesn't mean that
we're bad parents.

And I was reading
that Simone Biles

went straight from
crawling to walking,

so yeah, I guess I should be
"concerned" that my son

is on the same track as
a multiple gold medal winner.

I mean,
get real, sir.

So, yeah,
Mac's having, um,

a little trouble pulling up, but did that
convince you to give us more responsibility?

Look, if you promise
you can handle it,

I'll put you back
on the John Franzo case.

Franzia.

Johnny Franzia,

how could you
forget that?

Unless...

Get out.
You got it.

Thank you for
letting me stay with you, Diaz.

I'm sorry
for imposing.

I assumed I'd be back
with Kevin by now.

Oh, couples therapy
isn't going well? Well...

We're not
back together.

Even after three full sessions,
that's three hours.

More if you include
travel time.

Why would I include
travel time?

It's a longer drive
for me than for Kevin,

so,
I'm putting in more effort. Mmm.

I wonder why
it's not going well.

Well, Kevin says it's because
all I care about is work.

But if that's true,

why did I leave work 13 minutes
early today to move in with you?

Well, you can stay
as long as you like.

You're quiet,
you're neat.

You're the perfect roommate.
I think Kevin would disagree.

He told Dr. Cheryl I'm
a sore loser at Scrabble.

How would he know that
when I win 78% of our matches?

Wow, you're a lot chattier
than I remember you being.

Oh, sorry, I promise I won't obsess
about Kevin the whole time I'm here.

Okay. Great.

Although I may break
that promise because

according to Kevin,
I'm a liar.

Ah, damn it!

Two of clubs is blank,
that's not like him.

So what are
we missing here?

Two chairs,
two paintings.

Oh, my God,
the lamps.

But you told Terry that Franzia
didn't care about the lamps.

No, he loves lamps.

I was just feeling attacked,
so I lashed out.

But why three identical
lamps instead of two?

Because they're not
actually identical.

The shade on this
one is darker.

And...

Ooh!
It's a black light.

Yes! Freaking
two of clubs.

Turn off the overheads.

Franzia!

Hey, so don't
freak out,

but apparently there
are several other groups

presenting reformed
proposals to One Police Plaza,

and only one
will get funding.

Why would that
make me freak out?

Because you can be
a little competitive.

That's not true.

No one is less
competitive than me.

No one.

Anyway, uh, here's who
you're up against.

Allen Peters. Dud.

Mike Lynch. Dud.

Tad Green. Dud!

Austin Grant.
Who's Austin Grant?

Not a dud?
Oh, he's a dud!

But he's a hot dud.
He's a "hud."

He gets everything handed to him
because he looks so good in uniform.

Ugh! And he's pitching
predictive algorithmic policing.

That's just high tech
racial profiling.

Okay, look, if this guy
is style over substance,

we just need to give
you some style.

Check this out.

Tiny Terry won the Little
Mr. Michigan pageant.

You just happen to have
a video of yourself

as a seven-year-old
on your phone?

Big Terry's proud
of Tiny Terry.

Look, the point is
I can help you.

Terry, Terry!
It's him.

It's really Franzia.
Don't ask how I know

'cause it has nothing
to do with lamps.

Jake!

What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be
getting Mac from daycare!

He's finally down.

Did you miss anything
important with your case?

Yes, because
jokers are wild.

Charles went to
the "Joker" stairs

and there was graffiti
of the victim's name

written on a bus stop,
so Charles got on the bus,

took it to the end
of the line where

there was a pay
phone ringing.

He picked it up and there
was a voice on the other end

that told him
a riddle.

What was the riddle? I don't know,
he had to go before he could tell me

because he noticed that his kitchen
window was mysteriously unlocked.

Stupid Franzia's probably
in his house right now

trying to murder
him and his family.

At least he's not here
trying to murder me and Mac.

I appreciate you trying to
make me feel better, Ames,

but we both know you're
grasping at straws.

Thank God. Charles is fine,
Nobody in the house.

I would have
been so jealous.

I'm sorry, babe, I'd say I'd take
over Mac's stuff for the week,

but I have to rewrite my whole
presentation to be snappier,

and also according
to Terry,

I need to learn to walk with
my shoulders and not my feet.

It's okay. What you're
doing is super important.

I'll just scale back and let Charles
run point on the Franzia case.

No, none of us
are scaling back.

We can be good parents
without sacrificing our careers.

We just have to
work as a team.

You know what, yes, you're right,
we got this.

All we need
is each other.

There's been a lice
outbreak at daycare

and they're closing
for the next two days.

What? No!

We need so much more
than each other!

Ugh! Damn it, none of our
regular babysitters are available

and my parents
are out of town.

And my brother David can't
help because he's in Sudan,

digging wells for
somebody or something.

I don't know,
I hung up on him. My dad's out, too.

That's all he said,
didn't give a reason.

Wait, I've got it,
let's just let Mac watch TV all day.

Jake, we've
talked about this.

No screen time for Mac
until he turns two.

All this stress
is making my head itch.

Yeah, it's weird,
I've actually been itchy myself.

No! Lice!

Scratching it makes
it worse. Is that true?

I don't know,
We don't have time to know what's true.

Okay, okay,
let's just stay calm.

When I had lice
in the fifth grade,

my mom put a bunch
of maple syrup in my hair

and it smothered
them to death.

It was actually
kind of cool.

You can hear their
tiny screams.

No, that's
a old home remedy.

Daycare actually recommends
a place where you go

and they comb
the lice out for you.

I bet we'll be in and
out in 20 minutes.

Six hours? Who
has that kind of time?

So now what?

I mean,
I guess there is one last option.

Please don't say it. It
worked for me in fifth grade.

I really don't want to. It is kind
of cool to hear the screaming.

Okay, fine, we'll do the syrup.
We're gonna do the syrup!

Come on

Oh, Amy!

What is that enchanting
new perfume?

It's syrup, Scully.
And it is working.

Mmm-hmm.

I think you just
made Scully horny.

Ugh!

And then he called her Cheryl,
not Dr. Cheryl.

A clear attempt
to delegitimize her.

Obviously, I agree
she has zero legitimacy.

I mean, she calls
herself Dr. Cheryl.

Then,
Kevin brings up how Cheddar's French

comprehension
has regressed.

Cheddars tutor says
it's because we're not

speaking enough at
home.

Worst part is
we used to share socks.

With an odd number,
that was a tense negotiation.

Enough!

All you do is talk about
Kevin. This needs to stop.

I'm sorry. I wish I could
stop thinking about him,

but he was my husband
for 20 years.

If you know how I could just
erase him from my memory,

I'd love to hear it.

We could get
really drunk.

Yes, let's try that.

Jake, Jake,
Franzia was in my house.

I didn't see anything
last night,

but when I showered
this morning,

a new riddle appeared
in the steam on the mirror.

Oh, cool!

Cool, cool, cool. I also saw
a riddle while showering.

But we didn't
shower this morning.

No, I know. It's just that
Charles and I have this agreement

that when I miss something
important on the case,

he pretends like
I'm still involved.

It's normal. Anyways,

I'm sure our shower
riddles were the same.

No, I'm sure
yours was better.

Just to be sure,
why don't you text me yours,

and I'll make sure it's the
same as mine and then we can

decode it together after
Ames and I find a sitter.

Great. Oh! We already
have three applicants.

Great, hire them. I think we
should interview them first.

But what if
they're bad?

This really
feels like fate

because I was arrested in this precinct
literally a year ago to the day.

Here, I bought
a toy for the little guy.

Oh, thanks, that's
very nice of you.

He's so soft, your son's really
gonna enjoy cuddling him.

Want to see me cuddle
him? I love cuddling.

Well, this went south
very quickly.

I consider myself
bit of a Mary Poppins.

Oh, how so?

I'm your nanny
I'll slap your fanny

Slap, slap, slap

Your fat little fanny

Yeah, it's gonna
be a no.

I got to get back
to Franzia, so,

feels like we should go
with the cuddler.

No, as much
as I want to work,

we can't leave our son
with some weirdo.

Maybe we ask someone in the
precinct? Everyone's working.

Not everyone.

Sure, I'll watch Mac.

Don't worry, I've padded
all the sharp edges in here.

Wow, you already
baby-proofed it?

No, it's my nap room. You can
take a nap anywhere in here.

Every surface
is like a bed.

Ah.
Works for us.

Okay, sorry, the babysitter thing took
a little longer than I was expecting.

But I solved
part of the riddle.

A cat has ten lives. I
think the lives are numbers.

Wow, that's so smart.

I already solved the riddle,
it's a phone number.

But you're here now, we can call
it together. Okay, yeah, I guess.

Maybe he'll have a cool scary
modulated voice or something.

Yeah.
All right.

Hello? Oh,
my God, he does.

You solved my riddle,
Detective Boyle.

And Detective Peralta.

I'm still on your tail and your
sick game is finally gonna...

Help! Help!
Oh, seriously!

Uh, Franzia, I gotta go real quick.
What?

You have to go? Boyle will explain,
but I'm still on your tail.

And if you think that jokers
are really wild...
Jake!

All right, I'm coming, damn it!

Jake!

What happened?
Is Mac okay?

Mac's fine,
it's me.

There was one unpadded corner
and I stubbed my toe real bad.

Look.

Oh, God!
I'm sorry.

I gotta go to the hospital.

Yeah, immediately,
for so many reasons.

Come on.
Gosh!

Is he okay?
He's fine.

Ames, I'm sorry, but I think
we're all out of babysitters.

No, there is
one option left.

His first
screen time!

This is amazing, which Transformers
movie should he watch first?

There's an argument to be made
for Bumblebee as it is a prequel.

Jake...
All right, fine.

Let it auto-play whatever
garbage it wants and let's go.

Okay. Here you go, Mac.

Here you go.

Yeah, we deserve that.

Oof, I am hungover.
How you feeling?

Not good at all.

You were supposed to
watch out for me, Diaz.

Good news is the
heavy drinking worked.

You didn't mention
Kevin one time.

Oh, that is
an accomplishment.

Unfortunately,
it appears that I did think about him

at least once
last night.

What do you mean? At 3:30 a.m.,
I seem to have sent Kevin...

...a digital
phallus portrait.

A digital phallus
portrait? What is that?

Oh no,
you sent him a pic.

Please stop crying,
I'm so tired.

Maybe we'd all be better rested
if we hadn't woken up at 3:00 a.m.

I'm sorry, I've never slept
with syrup in my hair before.

I didn't know that
was going to happen.

Ants! Ants in the bed!
Who?

There's ants
in the bed!

There's ants!
There's ants!

My presentation is today,
and I'm not showing up in a shower cap.

What are we gonna do?

There's only
one thing left to do.

We're gonna blow-dry these
sons of bitches straight to hell.

Gotta say, worked great.

Although I guess my hair
took it a little better than yours.

And why the glasses?

Mac knocked my last contacts
into the toilet while I was blow-drying.

Gotta hand it to him,
it's a solid prank.

Although I must say,
this look kind of works for you.

Jake we don't have time
for your nerd fetish,

we are so late.

I know. You know what? Let's not waste
any more time looking for babysitters.

We'll just take Mac
into work with us.

See Ames?
We got this.

Yeah, this is not
gonna be hard.

Wanna know why?
'Cause we're great parents.

In fact,
we forgot Mac.

We left our child
inside.

Uh... Get the keys.

Okay, I'll take Mac
first so you can start

practicing
your presentation.

Okay.

Jake, I think I figured
something out about the toolbox.

Toolbox? Franzia
sent me a toolbox.

It turned out
to be a puzzle.

It was so boring.

Charles, it wasn't boring.
I know what you're doing.

Just tell me
what happened.

Okay, so I ran it
for prints

and there was a
partial on the wrench.

It belongs to a guy
named Eric Marsh,

who works as a handyman
in the victim's building.

We have to bring him in.
Already done.

He's in interrogation right now,
just waiting for you.

Oh.

But I have Mac
for the next hour.

I can't run
an interrogation.

Unless...

How did your prints end
up on a wrench that was sent

to this police
station?

The wrench went missing
two weeks ago.

I thought someone took it
out of the back of my truck.

Of course,
that sounds...

...totally
reasonable, Eric.

Or should I call you
by your real name?

Johnny Franzia!

I don't know who that is.
Uh-oh!

Something stinks,
something stinks real bad.

Did you poop?
No.

You did. You pooped.

Oh God,
it's everywhere.

What did you
eat, buddy?

Today, I had some oatmeal.

Here's what's gonna happen,
I'm gonna lie you down.

I'm gonna take
your pants off,

and I'm gonna wipe
your little tushy.

What is going on? I actually
have the same question.

Hold on one
second. Jake?

Why did I send Kevin
an obscene picture?

Relax, it's not a big deal,
you were just flirting.

No. If I were flirting,
I would have sent him a scatter plot

of educational attainment versus
caloric intake in Jacobin, France.

This is as if
I've sent him a...

...bar graph.
Are bar graphs bad?

It reduces robust
datasets to a single point.

Get your head
out off your ass!

I'm sorry, I'm just panicking
thinking about what Kevin

will do when
he sees it.

Wait, you don't think
he's seen it yet?

No, Kevin only checks his email
once a day at exactly 4:00 p.m.

You didn't
text it to him?

We're not teens. Let's
delete it off his computer then.

Yes, that could work. Kevin has
virtual office hours at 2:00 p.m.

At the same time, Cheddar
will be taking a French lesson

with his tutor
Monsieur Arnaud.

We will have
one hour exactement.

Here is Kevin's laptop. Great.

"Dear Kevin, attached please find a picture
of my penis. Sincerely, Raymond Holt."

Deleted.

Cheddar, no,
s'il vous plaît, no!

His class must have
ended early. Shut up.

Shh.
Hello?

Is someone upstairs?

Hello, Charles

Fill me in

Any breaks in the case?

If you sing everything
as a lullaby, Mac won't wake up.

I understand

The handyman

Has an alibi

But I found something else

You sound great.
Thank you.

The lab techs
analyzed Franzia's phone call

There were two other voices

In the background

Oh, who's a good boy?

Who wants another bite?

Wait, is that Scully
feeding Mac?

Was Franzia
inside the building?

No, his voice is playing over
a speaker in the background.

Franzia must've
bugged the precinct.

And he was listening
to it when we called him.

But why would
he bug Scully's nap closet?

'Cause
he didn't Bug the closet

He bugged something
Brought inside

Oh, my God

Franzia was
The weird babysitter

He gave the bug
Right to you

Son of a bitch

Amy, we gotta talk.

I just got a call from
One Police Plaza.

They said they were trying
to reach you all morning.

Mac broke my phone.
What do they want?

They moved your presentation up,
you're on in 20 minutes!

Twenty minutes?

Amy, we know
where Franzia is.

We're gonna arrest him.
I need you to take Mac.

No, you need
to take Mac.

I have to go right now!
So do I!

What do we do?

I guess we could call that
creepy babysitter you like so much.

The babysitter
is Franzia!

Even better, two birds with one stone,
we bring him to you!

We're not giving our baby
to a serial killer!

Oh, grow up!
Come on!

Amy, if we miss
this presentation,

that's the end
of the pilot program.

Jake, SWAT is on their way,
we have to go to Franzia's now.

This is our best chance at
police reform. Franzia, Lieutenant.

Franzia?
Reform, Boyle, reform.

Okay, enough.
Charles is right.

Jake has waited
years for this.

No, he can make
the arrest without me.

Without you,
there is no presentation.

I'll take Mac.

Are you sure?

Yes, absolutely.

All right, now go. Everyone,
get out of here, come on.

I love you.
Love you.

Oh, crap,
there's Austin.

Oh damn,
he is a "hud."

Okay, okay,
let's just be cool. Yeah.

Here, hold my glasses.

Hey, Austin, long time,
no...

...mmm, see.

Santiago,
are you okay?

Oh, yeah, great.

You look good.
Thanks, I know.

And you have
a very...

...brave hairstyle?

Thank you. Sergeant Santiago,
we're ready for you.

I look insane,
what am I gonna do?

Okay,
style over substance is clearly out.

But if anyone can
substance the crap out of this,

it's Amy Santiago.

You're right,
I can do this.

Substance over style.

Oh! Mmm.

Come on, Amy.

Hello?

Raymond. What are
you doing here?

Kevin, I didn't know
you were home.

I came by
to get a book.

The History
of the Crusades,

volume 3, 1123 to 1137.

Why did you need it?
I had an urgent question.

About what?
The atabeg of Mosul.

Jikirmish?
Zengi.

But you already know
everything about Zengi.

True. It was Diaz's
question, um...

...and I was
embarrassed for her.

And what was
your question, Diaz?

I wanted to know
who Zengi is.

Yes, that is embarrassing, I can
see why you tried to cover for her.

Well, it's that's all.
It is, uh...

Just Zengi.

Just Zengi.

All right then.

Goodbye.

How'd it go?
Good.

They liked the thesis and
I was clear on the data.

Just one problem,
I realized halfway through

that these sweatpants are
from a bachelorette party

I went to and they
say WAP on the butt.

I told them it stands
for "We All Police."

Hey, wish me
luck in there.

Did your teeth
get whiter?

That's an illusion. My
smile's so symmetrical,

it makes my teeth
seem brighter.

Well, good luck.

Oh! What the hell?

Austin, we're...

Everything okay?
He peed himself.

That... No.

That's funny, same thing happened
to Alex Nelson at Little Mr. Michigan.

What? Tiny Terry did
what he had to do.

So, right as
we get there,

Franzia disappears into these
crazy underground tunnels.

So we have to switch over
to night vision...

Charles, it's all so awesome,
but I actually have to stop you

because I gotta go.

I have to feed this baby
some mushed-up avocado...

Oh, my God.
What happened?

Is Mac okay?

He just pulled himself up.

Hey, did Kevin seem weird
to you when we told him

we were only there
for that book?

Think he didn't believe us? No,
he seemed sad.

I think he was disappointed that you
were there for the book and not for him.

Maybe you should let him
know you've been missing him.

Huh, well...

...it might be
worth a shot.

What did you just do?

I texted him a picture of
my penis like you suggested.

No, ugh!

I meant for you to call him and tell
him you've been thinking about him.

Why didn't you say that?

I thought
it was understood.

Hold on,
he's writing back.

Well, what did he say?
It's a link to a graph.

It's a scatter plot with
a very robust dataset.

Well...

That escalated quickly.

Hey. Hey,
how did the presentation go?

Well, they just called
and... I won.

What? I have authorization
to start immediately.

Wait, you won?
That's amazing.

Why aren't you more excited?
Why aren't you dork-dancing?

'Cause you had to miss your
thing and I didn't want to rub it in,

so, I celebrated in the
hallway before I walked in.

Yes! Yeah. Oh, oh!

How did it go
here with Mac?

Fine. Mellow.

He pulled himself up.
Wait, what?

That's huge!
He's in the window.

Why are you
downplaying this?

Well, I just figured you would
be bummed you missed it.

Ugh, this sucks,
you didn't get to arrest Franzia,

I didn't get to see
Mac pull up.

I guess we really
can't do it all.

I don't know, I mean,

you got to do the work thing
and I got to do the parent thing.

So, together,

we did do it all.

Yeah, I guess
you're right.

It still totally
sucks though.

Yeah, I'm really bummed.

I'm gonna get
ready for bed.

Okay.

You're gonna wake up Mac
and see if he'll pull up, aren't you?

Obviously, he is not
sleeping until he does it again.

All right. Well, don't go without me,
'cause I wanna see it.