Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 6 - The Set Up - full transcript

Attention, everyone,
a bomb was just found on a bus

in downtown Brooklyn.

Oh, my God,
a bomb on a bus.

It's a Speed?
I get to work a Speed?

That sentence is nonsensical.

One can work with speed,

but one certainly
cannot work "a" speed.

Speed is a movie.
I won't let you ruin this!

You've never seen
Speed, sir?

Keanu Reeves, Sandy Bullock,

Jeff Daniels at the height
of his sexual powers?



Can we please just focus!

The bomb could go off
at any moment.

Actually, it can't.
It's already been defused.

Oh, well, there's still
a bomber on the loose.

You can't ruin this!

All right,
tell me about the bus.

Was it headed
to the courthouse?

It wasn't an MTA bus.
It was that.

A Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
tour bus.

No, you're
not ruining this!

Has anyone heard
from the bomber?

Has he made any demands?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Special Agent Feingold, FBI.

This is our case.
You're not a part of it.



Oh, man!
You ruined it!

Agent Feingold, our guys
were on the scene first.

We're not gonna
let you take the case.

Tell him, sir.

We're letting you
take the case.

What?
But I said that so cool!

They're the feds.
They have jurisdiction.

Agent Feingold, call me
if you need anything.

Sorry, guy,
guess you're just gonna have
to let the big boys handle it.

Please just let us help you.

This is an
all-hands-on-deck situation.

I could be a good resource.
Here, watch this.

'Sup,
Officer Marzipan?
Oh, hey.

You're gonna want
that kind of shorthand

with Marzipan if you
want to catch this guy.

We don't need
all hands on deck.

The bomb was rigged
with a chintzy $4 watch

set to explode at 12:00 a.m.

Midnight? But there wouldn't
be anybody on it.

Yeah, the idiot clearly meant
to set it for noon.

We're not dealing
with a mastermind here.

I'm sure there's prints
all over the place.

I don't know, I've just
got a gut feeling
there's more to this.

Oh, a gut feeling?

You know what your gut tells
you to do most of the time?

Take a dump.

And you just took a big one
all over yourself.

Okay, well, I don't have
a comeback for that,

so I'm just gonna go.

Agent Feingold.

Scully, it's our favorite
time of year.

Cagney and Lacey's
annual school candy drive!

I took the liberty
of duplicating

your order from last year.

Simply sign at the X,
and I'll get it
placed for you.

Oh, about that, I don't know

if I'm gonna buy anything
from you this year.

What?

But we've been in business
together since pre-K.

I know,
but there's someone else.

Someone else?

It's not you. It's me.

My taste in candy changed.

Look, everyone goes
through rough patches,
but we can't give up.

You owe it to
Cagney and Lacey.

Please don't bring
the kids into this.

The kids are a part of it
whether you like it or not.

Who are you buying from?
Tell me, now!

The other man...
Is me.

Nikolaj is selling candy
this year, too.

You're cheating on me
with Boyle?

Oh, there she is,
my archnemesis.

You're a cop, O'Sullivan.

Shouldn't your archnemesis
be a criminal?

No.

Okay, what do you want?

Well, I came here
to reach a truce

with you over your
pilot program that persecutes

the uniformed officers
in my union.

Its aim is to reduce
instances in which armed cops

are needlessly interacting
with civilians.

It could save lives
and restore trust
with the community.

That's persecution,
plain and simple.

But I don't want
to fight with you.

I'd rather be civilized
and reach some common
ground over a drink.

It's the middle of the day.

Well, that's how business
gets done in the real world.

Look, I'm not changing
the pilot program.

Okay, have it your way,

but I got to say,
you're going to be sorry.

Are you threatening me?

No, I'm informing you
that I hold a lot of power,

and unless you're willing
to play ball with me,

I will wield said power
against you.

Again, not a threat,

but go ahead
and change your mind,
or else.

All the best.

So you lost a Speed.
That sucks.

At least you didn't have
a Sister Act taken from you.

Bracco confessed.

The undercover operation
is over.

But I just got a spot
in the choir.

Wait, is that the real reason
you left the force?

It didn't help.
Right.

Look, I don't care
that I lost a Speed.

I care that the FBI is not
taking the case seriously.

They think the bomber
is just some idiot,
but what if he's not an idiot?

What if he wanted it
to go off at midnight?

Oh, my God.

He wanted it
to go off at midnight.

Why? Wouldn't it just be
an empty parking lot
with nobody in it?

Yeah, but there could be
a target there,

which he would try
to hit again.

There's gonna be a second
bomb, just like in Speed!

I've got
a Speed again!

I thought you said you didn't
care about it being a Speed.

Of course, I care about it
being a Speed!

That's all I care about!
I've got to go!

You owe me money for this.

Good one, Rosa!

Hi.
Hey.

I just got home.
Where are you?

Sorry,
I'm checking out the lot

where the bus parks at night.

Ugh, but Holt
told you not to.

He's gonna be pissed
when he finds out.

Not when I bust the bomber.

Marzipan gave me
the lot's address.

He's actually helping me out

because of our
intimate shorthand.

You know, Marzipan's
kind of a bad dude.

We're desperately
trying to fire him.

No, I did not know that!

Why didn't anyone
tell me that?

Before I pretended
to be friends with him?

Well, looky here.
What?

Guess what's
next to the lot?

An IRS building.
That has to be the target.

Jake, you should
call the feds.

No, they won't even care.
I need more proof.

I got to call you back.
Hey.

Hey.
NYPD.

Mind if I ask you
a couple of questions?

Wait, no, stop!

Hey, there.

Uh-oh,
I know that strut.

Little hip swing,
playful butt bounce.

Somebody made a collar!

Not loving you talking
about my butt bounce,

but, also, hell, yeah,
someone collared a big dog!

Woof, woof!

Peralta, you made an arrest
in the bus bombing?

Yes, look, I know
that I was told to back off,

but something
just didn't sit right,

so I went back up there,
and I caught the guy.

He was snooping around.
Now, he's not talking yet...

Because he didn't do it.
What?

The feds already
solved the case.

There were prints on the bomb,

which led to a suspect
who confessed immediately.

Well, why didn't anyone
tell me that?

'Cause they didn't have to
because it's not your case.

So I arrested
an innocent person?

Yes.

Oh...

That's not okay.

Uncool, uncool,
uncool, uncool,

uncool, uncool,
uncool, uncool, uncool.

Are you saying
cool or uncool?

Uncool. It's just hard to say
it fast, but this is bad!

Peralta, we need to talk.

I know. You're not mad.
You're just disappointed.

I'm actually both mad
and disappointed.

What? You can't be both!
You're either Mad Dad
or Sad Dad, pick a lane.

All right, look, I know that
I brought in the wrong guy,
but I'm telling you,

something doesn't add up,
and for what it's worth,
I made sure he was let out

as soon as I knew
what was going on.

He was in processing
for ten hours,

which made him late for work,
which meant he got fired.

He's suing you
and the department
for wrongful arrest.

I'm gonna have to suspend you.

Okay,
this is really bad,
and I'm sor...

Stop talking.
What's going on here?

Were you about
to say the "S" word?

The "S" word? "Sorry"?

Oh, good God,
don't say it out loud, man!

Why are you here, O'Sullivan?

Peralta isn't even
in the patrolman's union.

I'm here to protect Marzipan.

He and Peralta
worked very closely
together on this one.

Seriously, Peralta? Marzipan?

With all the open IA
investigations against him?

I've met him, like,
one time. I don't
even know his first name.

His name is David.
David Duke Marzipan.

David Duke Marzipan?

Hey, don't you
go profiling him

for what he
changed his name to.

You can't judge a book
by its cover.

You can if it's written
by David Duke.

Look,
Peralta made a mistake...

Holy crap, you didn't use
the "M" word, did you?

No.
Oh, thank God.

Because the "M" word
is just about the worst thing
you can say if you're a cop.

Besides,
the real point here is,

what was the perp doing

snooping around
a bus lot at night?

The victim
cuts through that lot

on his way home
when it's open.

And it was open because
Peralta picked the lock.

What a bunch of bunk.

Why'd the perp run away unless
he was guilty of something?

Because he was
understandably scared
of interacting with a cop.

I see, well, that excuse
hasn't worked in the last
15 cases against Marzipan,

and I don't think
it'll work now.

Fifteen?

Peralta, I can make
all of this disappear.

That's what
the police union does.

But you got to play
ball with me, son.
What do you say?

Sir, can I speak with you
in private, please?

I just had an epiphany.

That you're fallible
and you made an "M" word.

Absolutely not.
This whole thing is a setup!

Oh,
who could take a sunrise

Sprinkle it with dew

Cover it in chocolate

And a miracle or two?

The candy man can

Wow, so you're just gonna
do your business

all out in the open
like some common candy ho?

You're just jealous.

Boyle, where's my candy?

What?
The box is full of sand.

Or maybe it's sugar.
Oh, it's not sugar.

It's sand. Is this some
sort of sick joke?

There was candy
in there earlier.
Maybe it fell out?

I don't want excuses, bitch!
I want my candy!

The vending machine
is broken, and you're
my only snack source.

He doesn't have to be.
I still have your
purchase order.

You. You did this.

Please, I would never do
something that childish,

and you would know
that if you weren't
a big, stinky dumb-dumb

who smelled like butts.

Okay, so here's
what I'm thinking.

The union set me up.
Think about it.

O'Sullivan told Amy if she
didn't drop her pilot program,

"she'd be sorry,"
and now suddenly,

I'm being threatened
with suspension?

Sure, but he
threatened her, not you.

We're married.
We're a team.

Really? What about
when I wanted to run
a half marathon together

and you told me
to rot in hell?

That was clearly
a playful joke.

So will you run
the half marathon with me?

No, I would die!

Look, O'Sullivan said he could
make my suspension go away
if just "played ball."

He's clearly trying
to get me to lean on you
to kill your program.

This doesn't sound
like a setup.

O'Sullivan didn't make you
arrest an innocent man.

Or did he?
Think about it.

Marzipan, who I never liked,
by the way,

was the one who gave me
the address to the bus lot.

I think he
and O'Sullivan made sure

there was a "suspect" there
for me to arrest.

You think the victim
was a plant?

I didn't believe
it either until
I checked the guy's file.

Guess what he does
for a living?

Actor. Huh?

Come on, sir,
you hate actors!

I don't hate actors.
I hate colleges that
award diplomas for acting.

I mean, I wouldn't put it
past O'Sullivan.

He is desperate to kill
our reform program.

True, he tried
to blackmail me before.

If you don't give me
what I want,

I will release proof
that you are a homosexual.

I came out 30 years ago.

Ah, you're impossible.

So you agree it was a setup.
I have your unbridled support?

My support is
extremely bridled.

You have circumstantial
evidence at best.

All right, then I guess
we just have to prove it.

Absolutely not.
You can't investigate
your accuser.

It's retaliation.

Which is why
the investigation will focus

only on O'Sullivan and be led
by someone from the outside.

A friend, a confidant, a...

Diaz.
Yes.

Damn it, you kind of stepped
on the dramatic entrance

we had planned,
and you threw off our...

Me.
...timing.

The point is Amy and Rosa
will head up the investigation

and the entrance
worked perfectly.

Interesting, you two
are sure you want
to be involved with this?

Investigating O'Sullivan?
Yeah, that dude sucks.
He tried to blackmail me.

If you don't stop harassing
my officers,

I will release proof
that you are bisexual.

Already came out.
Oh, come on.

You can't blackmail
anyone anymore.

Okay, so here's the plan.

O'Sullivan likes to do deals
over drinks.

So I invite him to Shaw's
and order us a couple beers.

I nod along as he talks

about how surprisingly
cool his mom is.
Order more beers.

I also nod along as he talks
about how horrible
his ex-wife is.

Order more beers.
I also nod along as
he kind of implies

he wishes
his mom was his wife.

Nobody spoons like my mom.

But I'm not the only one
who's one listening.

O'Sullivan's a blowhard,

so he just needs
a little push.

Get him drunk enough,
eventually he'll just come out

and admit that he set Jake up.

The plan is flawless.

So there's one flaw
with my plan.

O'Sullivan isn't even buzzed,
and you're totally hammered?

I'm so hammered!

Pizza delivery
for Jake Peralta.

Oh, that's me.

I didn't order a pizza,
though. Someone must know
I've been having a hard day.

You've been served.
What? Come on!

Been there, brother. What did
you get served?

Oh, you.
I'm being sued
for wrongful arrest.

No, I don't care about that.
I'm talking pizza toppings.

The District Court
does a great pepperoni.

You know what?
Why are you even
talking to me?

Scully's taking a nap.
What are you doing on there?

I miss my old role
in the Nine-Nine.
Hitchcock, the wise sage,

always helping people
through their troubles.

That was never your role.
Wait a minute.
This address.

The guy said he
lived up by the bus lot

and that's why
he was cutting through,
but according to this,

his address
isn't anywhere near that lot.

He lied.
This is huge.

I got to call Amy and Rosa.

And that is why
Kristy and the Snobs

is the best
Baby-Sitters Club book ever.

Hey, we should go
fly-fishing sometimes.

That's never gonna happen.
We need to sober you up
and get you back out there.

Coffee and carbs usually
work, so here's what
we're gonna to do.

Ow! Rosa!
What about the carbs?

That was a misdirection.
Carbs never work.
Slapping's the only way.

Oh, I think it worked.

And I just want to say,
what makes

Kristy and the Snobs
so good is the snobs.

Their names
are Tiffany and Shannon,

and they laugh at Louie
even though he's going blind,

which is so sad.

Okay, I'm calling Holt.
This is a failure.

No, wait, wait.
I have an idea.

Oh, I bet it's great.

Okay, you know how guys
like O'Sullivan,

they think
we all look the same, right?

So you dress as Amy.
You take my place.

And, oh, my God!
Is nine-drink Amy a genius?

That's never gonna work.
You just need to sober up
and get back out there.

Oh, you're on the floor.

What's going on here?

Uh, nothing.
Nothing?

I distinctly remember
you saying

we were moving
on to shots. And yet
you bring us more beers?

You got to do a better job
than that, Santiago.

Right, right, I guess
we'll just have to shoot
these, then.

Yes, we will!

Sugar.

Oh, Scully, Scully

You are my candy friend

Boring! No costume
change much?

What the heck?
This isn't my order.

What, did they give you
sour straws

instead of sour ropes?
I specifically said...

No, it's just apples.

Terry, you sick
son of a bitch.

I didn't do it!
Boyle must have!

I would never do that.

This is just what happens
when you order candy

from a candy child
and not a candy man.

I'll show you a candy man.

Hey, what the hell?

You picked the wrong guy
to get in an apple fight with.

Why is that?

Because I was MVP

of my fast-pitch
softball summer camp.

Wow, I'm so scared...

Oh!

Ow.

There you are.

I found proof
that this was a setup.

Look, the victim lied
about his address.

Zip!
What's that?

That's the sound of your
bridle unzipping. Unbridled
support from earlier?

You don't know
what a bridle is, do you?

I do not.
We're getting sidetracked.

Once I realized he was lying,
I looked at his social media.

He starts rehearsals
for a rock musical
in Florida on Monday.

That tracks. Theater like
that belongs in the swamps.

Well, yeah, obviously,
I can't disagree,

but the point is
we're running out of time.

I should tail him
and figure out

what he's up to
before he skips town.

You'll do no such thing.
We have a plan.

Santiago and Diaz
are with O'Sullivan.
They have it under control.

Are you sure?
'Cause I keep calling them,
and they're not answering.

Have faith in them.
They're professionals.

I'm so drunk.
He's had 14 beers,

and he's not even
slurring his words.

Well, I feel better.
I had some floor pretzels.
Let's switch places again.

Yes, two of us can outdrink
that son of a bitch.

Here's to you, Santiago.
All the best, bottoms up.

Whoa, Nelly!

Here's to you.

How about it?

Well, now, what the hell
am I looking at?

Nothing.

Oops.

You're drunk,
and you're seeing double.

Oh, give me a break.
You can't really think
I'm that stupid.

I mean, we've been switching
places for the last two hours,
and you didn't notice, so...

That's 'cause I don't look
at women's eyes when
I'm talking to 'em.

Now, what's going on?

You set up my husband!
You're using him
to blackmail me

into dropping police reform.

We're getting you drunk
so you can admit it.

I'm not blackmailing Jake.

When I blackmail
somebody, you'll know it.
I own my blackmailing.

Then what did you mean
when you said I'd be sorry

if I didn't drop
police reform?

I was talking
about taking your snacks.

Huh?
Oh, come on.

Who do you think
broke the vending machine

that got Detective Flat Top
all riled up,

stole Detective Little Guy's
candy shipment,

and swapped out
Sergeant Muscle Guy's candy
for seasonal fruit?

Your people.
Bingo.

And it's driving
your guys crazy.

Now, if your precinct would
like to get their candy back,

I'd be willing to negotiate.

Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

So when you told
Jake you could get him
out of his suspension,

that wasn't blackmail?

If I am passionate
about one thing,

it's getting cops off
without punishment.

How dare you turn that
into something dirty?

Shame on the both of you.

Oh, we got to call Jake.

Where is he?

Got ya.

This is Captain Holt.

Oh, hello, Captain.
It's Amy Santiag-ago.

Sergeant, are you drunk?
He thinks I'm drunk.

What do I do?
Uh, British accent.

Smart. That'll fool him.

Yes, sir, quite drunk.
Wankered, really.

What did you learn?
Did O'Sullivan set up Peralta?

No, he didn't.

Me husband
wasn't set up at all,

he wasn't.
But me big problem now

is that me husband
can't be reached by me telly.

Please stop
talking like that.

Okay.

Peralta wanted to tail
the victim. I forbade him,
but I bet he did it anyway.

I'll text you the address.

Oh.

We got to stop Jake.

How? We're too
drunk to drive.

True, but we're not
too drunk to pedal.

Jake, oh, thank God
we found you in time.

"We"?
Me and Rosa, duh.

Rosa's not with you.

Right!

I lost her
when she rode down
the stairs to the subway.

It was so funny!

Okay, just, shh,
'cause my guy is in there.

By the way,
I really like that hat.

You look like a little narc.

And you enjoy that?

Oh, yeah.
Okay.

But that's not
why I'm here.

O'Sullivan didn't set you up.

Wait, what?
Are you sure?

Yeah, all O'Sullivan did was
mess with the vending machine

and Scully's candy.

That was his blackmail.

Okay. Wow, okay,
that's bad.

That guy's innocent,
and I arrested him,

and now I'm tailing him.

I know!
Let's just go "herm"!

Jake! Jake!

Hey, Jake, you're following
an innocent man!

Hey, man.

What are you doing here?
What a weird coincidence.

Do a British accent.

Hey, Lieutenant,
I think we should talk.
How you doing?

Oh, no, I'm so sorry.

Sir, I want to apologize.

Okay, I have no idea
what you're saying.

Look, I know
the union set us up,
but we let it happen.

Your friendship
means the world to me,

and I would hate
for it to be destroyed

by a competition
to sell more candy.

Me too.

You guys are selling candy?
There's nothing good here.

Could one of you
ship to Brazil?

You sneaky
son of a bitch!

We're adding intimidation
to the charges against you.

I know, you're both mad
and disappointed.

I'm neither.
I'm displeased.

Is that worse?
Yes.

Of my 16 potential reactions,
only one is stronger,

and you should be thankful
you've never seen me huffy.

Well, you have
every right to be.
I know I messed up.

I just never imagined
myself as someone

who would make
a mistake like that,

and then I just
made it worse, you know?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you doing?

Learning a lesson?
You don't have
any lessons to learn.

You didn't do anything wrong.

What do you want,
O'Sullivan?

This is Mel Jenkins,
city attorney in charge
of payoffs and bribes.

Uh, not my title.
I handle tort claims.

Whatever. Mel and I just
had ourselves a little chat
over morning drinks.

More drinks?

Relax, it was just
a couple of breakfast beers.

So the department
is going to settle

without admitting
any wrongdoing,

and because the facts of the
case will remain unresolved,

there will be no suspension
for Marzipan or Peralta.

How's that possible?
Peralta arrested and
harassed an innocent man.

Come on, now, these are cops.

They got to make
split-second decisions

in life-or-death situations,
and they can't be expected

to get that 100% correct
every single time.

This was not
a life-or-death situation.

Sure, but next time
it might be.

And how can this one
be expected to do his job

when he knows that any
teeny-tiny lapse in judgment

could end with you
branding him a dirty cop
and ruining his life?

Oh, I've never seen
this face before.

Wait, is that...

Yes, he's made me huffy.

Do you know what happens
when you refuse

to punish cops
for their mistakes,

when police are treated
as a separate class
of citizen above the law?

It breeds a lack of trust
in the community,

and that lack of trust
means people won't help us

with our investigations
or testify

or even call us
when they're in danger.

It makes them more scared
of us than of criminals
and gangsters.

It makes them run
when we approach,

even though they've
done nothing wrong.

It makes the people
see us as the enemy,

which leads
to more confrontation,
more distrust.

You wonder how Peralta
can do his job

when he's held accountable
for his actions?

I wonder how any of us
can do our job if he's not.

What a bunch of bunk.

The city's gonna settle.
There are not gonna be
any suspensions.

Take the win.
Wait.

What if I admit I made
an error and apologize?

He is speaking
hypothetically.

You'll notice he never used
the "S" word and he never
used the "M" word.

I'm sorry.
I made a mistake.

Holy !

Let the record show
that he didn't say
anything specific.

I arrested a man without
a sufficient probable cause

in a case I was removed from.

He has no idea
what he's talking about.

I then followed
my victim to his home...

Now's a good time
for us to leave.

In an act that could only
be seen as police intimidation

La, la, la, la, la, la

I take full responsibility
for my mistake,

and I'm willing to say
as much in a court of law.

La, la, la, la, la, la

And what's more,
I'm very, very sorry!

Yeah, he has
to be suspended.

I'm sorry.

Ah, don't you start.

Wow.

That was amazing.
We beat him.

I can't believe it
actually worked out okay.

You're suspended
for five months.

Right, I know.

But I deserve it.

And I learned
a valuable lesson
from all this,

so I'm counting it as a win.

I get that, Peralta, but
things will be a lot better

when a man doesn't have
to lose his job
for you to learn a lesson.

Yeah, fair enough.
Thank you, sir.

It was crazy
when you got huffy.

I was so huffy.
I got scared.

Wow.
Yeah.