Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 8 - The Takeback - full transcript

- Peralta, you need
to come with me right now.

- Can I eat my bagel?

- Trust me, you're not gonna
wanna eat before you see this.

That's Shane Reed.
Suspect in a string of B&Es.

Got pulled over this morning.
This was in his trunk.

- Son of a bitch!

- Peralta... Peralta, calm down.

- Why am I here?
I didn't do anything.

- You broke into
15 houses, Shane,

but that's not what
I care about right now.

All I care about is what
we found in your car.



- I don't understand.
- He doesn't understand, Diaz.

Why don't you fill him in?

- "You are invited
to celebrate the wedding

of Katherine Joyner
and Douglas Judy."

Douglas Judy, AKA Doug Judy,

AKA, the Pontiac Bandit.

- Maybe.
- That's a yes.

Now tell me, Shane,
when did you get the invite?

- What?

- When did you receive
the invite in the mail

and how come I didn't get one?

- Why would you get an invite?
Do you know Doug?

- Hey, I'm the one
asking the questions here!

- Calm down, Jake.
Maybe it's a small wedding.



- Okay, good point.
How big is the venue, Shane?

I said how big is the venue?

- I... I... I don't know!

- I... I... I... I don't know!
But I bet you do know

the password to the wedding
website, don't you?

- Yeah, I guess.

- Well, then I guess you
better tell it to me, Shane.

You wash my back,
I'll wash yours.

- Wash?
- I meant scratch.

You know I meant scratch.
Now tell me the password.

- I think it's
"dougandkateforever."

- There, was that
so hard, Shane?

You did the right thing.

Now get this piece
of trash out of my sight.

Oh, is forever spelled out,
or is it the number four?

- Oh, it's spelled out.
- Okay, thank you so much.

Now get this piece
of trash out of my sight!

[upbeat music]

♪

- I'm so glad you called.

Thanks for meeting me at
my favorite establishment.

- A place where
you paint pottery?

- I find a hand-painted mug

makes a thoughtful
gift for any occasion.

- So, what's going on?
Anything exciting in your life

that you maybe want
to tell me about?

- I got a new job.
I sit behind white CEOs

when they have
to testify before Congress,

so they don't look so racist.

Every 15 minutes I just
whisper some nonsense at 'em.

The texture
of quiche is unsettling.

I got paid $75,000
for that nonsense.

- That's cool, congratulations.
But there's nothing else,

you know,
maybe even more interesting

that you want to fill me in on?

- It seemed like
a pretty cool fact to me.

- All right, look Judy,
I know you're getting married.

- Damn it, I didn't think
you'd find out about that.

Who told you, Ronnie?
Bobby?

Ricky?
Mike?

- Don't try and change
the subject by tricking me

into singing
New Edition with you.

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

Ronnie, Bobby,
Ricky and Mike...

both: ♪ If I like the girl
who cares who you like ♪

- Whoo!
- So all is forgiven?

- No!
Why didn't you invite me?

- I wanted to, but a lot
of people in my life are crooks

and they think it's weird
that I'm friends with a cop.

They just don't understand.
Kind of like... parents?

- No, no more songs.

- Look, I'm having my
Bachelor party tomorrow night

and I want you to be there.
We'll make up a criminal alias

for you so you
can meet the boys.

- Obviously that's
a super cool plan,

but no, I don't want your pity.

- Suit yourself, but it's
gonna be one sexy-ass weekend.

- Like...

How sexy-ass
are we talking here?

- Private jet to Miami, baby!
- And there's a red carpet!

- Forget the red carpet.
Private jet!

- Yes, and a jet!
The jet is better.

Miami, here we come!

- Whoo!

- Today is Holt's first day

back in his office
and I wanna make sure

everything is just
how he left it.

Now, I can't remember,
was this little figurine

of Cheddar at a 45
or 50 degree angle?

- Terry,
it's a five degree difference.

You better figure it out.

- Ah, I missed this place.

Huh, little Cheddar's askew.

You really made yourself
at home, didn't you Jeffords?

But, uh... no matter.

Just glad to be here.
[chuckles]

I am a captain again.
Back where I belong.

Everything is perfect.

Wow...

there's absolutely nothing
that could puncture my...

where's the business card?
- What?

- The business card
that was right here.

It had a piece of gum on it.
It's very important to me.

You didn't throw it away,
did you?

- [scoffs]
No, Terry would never

throw away something
that looked exactly like trash.

- Good.
I'll be back in half an hour.

Make sure it's
on my desk by then.

- Will do, sir.
I got it.

I'm on it.

I definitely threw it away.

- I want you to meet the guys.

This is Nathan,
Josh, and Chuck.

This is my buddy,
Sean, from prison.

- How's it going, fellas?

- I've never heard
you mention Sean before.

- Yeah, well like he said,
I just got out of jail.

Five years.

- Tough sentence.
What'd you do?

- Elder abuse.
Got my grandpa good, so...

- Damn, that's very upsetting.

- Damn straight it is.

- Elder abuse?

- I was trying to think
of something that

wouldn't inspire any
follow-up questions.

- Doug Judy!

- Cubes!
My man.

Sean, I'd like you to meet

the man whose private jet
we are flying on today.

- Yeah, you're Mark Cuban.

How do you guys
know each other?

- Doug came on "Shark Tank"

to pitch his idea
for the Smush Shush.

- It's a noise-cancelling
blanket for secret sex.

The product demonstration
did not go well.

- Robert fainted.
Anyway, enjoy the jet.

Just bring it back
in one piece, okay?

- No promises, Mark Cuban.

- I mean, we do wanna make sure

the airplane stays
in one piece though, right?

- Nah, I saw, "Flight."
If anything goes wrong,

fly the plane upside down.

- Oh, right, I forgot about
"Flight," the movie, "Flight."

All right, let's rip it up!

- What's going on here?
- Oh, measuring the space.

We finally got a work order

approved to fix
the outlet, so...

[whispering] we can get
a third vending machine.

- What?

- A third vending machine.

- Why are you whispering about
getting a new vending machine?

- New vending machine!
- What model number?

- Oh, that's why.

- We asked you
what model number.

- I don't know, a normal one

with glass in the front.

- Seriously?
Did you even look into

the DiGiSnax 600E?

- I'd be into
a fancy machine, too.

I was just reading
about a Japanese one

that serves shellfish.

- We're not getting
a shellfish machine.

- Yeah, Boyle,
we're getting a smart machine

that suggests soda pairings
based on your chip choice.

- Or one with a make-it-wet
gravy feature!

- Okay, look.
Why don't you get a few options

together and then
I'll decide, okay?

At least Terry's not here

to try to make me
get a yogurt machine.

- What was that about yogurt?

- This jet is insane.

There's a private chef that'll
make anything you ask for,

no matter how expensive.

I just ordered
lobster enchanté.

- Oh, damn, what's that?
- I don't know.

I just said the fanciest
words I could think of.

- Oh, I'm gonna get
the Veal Prime Minister.

- Mm, that sounds good.

- Hey, you wanna
try out the Smush Shush?

- What?
You have one with you?

- I take it everywhere, baby.
- Yeah, there it is.

- Yeah.
- So it's noise canceling?

[groans]

It's so heavy.
It's crushing my bones.

- Yeah, that was the Shark's
problem with it, too.

- I can't breathe.
Get it off me.

Get it off me.

- Yeah, you sound exactly
like Barbara right now.

- [gasps]
- Disappointed in you, Jake.

- Pilot says we're
starting our descent.

- Then let's get changed, boys!
- Changed?

But these are
my coolest clothes.

I got them from
a targeted Instagram ad

after looking
at photos of Cam Newton.

- The outfit's beautiful,
but it doesn't really

say, "Miami."

- What does say, "Miami?"

- ♪ Come on, shake your body
baby do the conga ♪

♪ I know you can't control
yourself any longer ♪

♪ Feel the rhythm of
the music getting stronger ♪

♪ Don't you fight it 'til you
tried it, do that conga beat ♪

- Are you sure this
is culturally okay for me?

- We're gonna find out.
- All right.

- ♪ Come on, shake your body
baby do that conga ♪

- Damn, Judy,
this place is nice.

- Yeah, some Russian oligarch
got the penthouse,

but this is
the second nicest room.

- Surprise!
- Trudy Judy!

What you doing here?
I thought you were in prison!

- Nope, I was a real
sweet pea, so they let me out

for good behavior.
What the hell?

What's this NARC doing here?

- [spluttering]

.

- What the hell was that?
You almost blew my cover.

- Yeah, they're
all suspicious now.

You have to help us convince
them that Jake's not a cop.

- Why? I don't understand
why you invited him.

This was supposed to be a crazy

weekend of boobs and butts.

- Trudy Judy,
you're not gonna see

boobs or butts this weekend.

- I'll see butts
if I wanna see butts.

- And Jake is here
because he's my friend

and he really wanted to come.

- No, he's up to something.

He's probably here
to arrest Chuck.

- I would never arrest Chuck...
but, I mean,

why'd you say that?
What did Chuck do?

- Wow... cops always be copping.

- That's not true.
I do bad things.

One time I illegally
downloaded an O-Town album!

- Dang, that's one
of the hardest boy bands.

- Exactly, they're scary.
Look, I can be cool.

As long as nobody commits any
major crimes in front of me.

- It's not a problem.
We don't have to break the law

to have fun.
We gonna have some drinks,

smoke some Cubans,
eat a steak, either crazy big

or crazy small,
whichever's more expensive.

- I'd rather see butts.

- Fine, if I let you see butts,

will you convince the guys
that Jake's not a cop?

- How many butts
are we talking?

- Six.
- Ten.

- Seven.
- Nine.

- Fine, eight,
I'll meet you in the middle.

- Nah, you waited too long.
Now it's up to 14.

- 14 butts!
- She's a grown woman.

Just let her see butts, man.
- Thank you, Jake.

Thank you for coming
to my aid on the butt thing.

One step closer to trust.
Now I'ma go out there and help

your fedora-wearing
Jason Mraz-looking ass, okay?

- I think I look like
Andy Garcia in this hat.

- You look like Seth Green.
- Seth Green?

- No, Tom Green.
- Tom Green.

- You're thinking of Tom Green.
- Tom Green?

No, go back to Jason Mraz.

- Okay, so Holt's gum-covered
business card is long gone.

But I have a plan.

- Great, what's the scheme?

- Well, when I first moved in,
I took a couple selfies

to commemorate
getting my own office.

- A couple?
- Oh, please.

Like you don't
have any selfies.

Let me see your camera roll.

Zero photos?
That's so much weirder!

- Thank you.
- Anyway, look.

If you zoom in enough,
you can see the business card.

We can recreate it
and print a new one!

- Wait, does that
say "Zeff Wilcox"?

- Zeff?
No, it's probably Jeff.

You know,
like a normal human name.

- Names are all made up.

There's no such
thing as a normal name.

"Terry."

- I am not putting
"Zeff" on that card.

- It's your funeral.

- Have you found
my business card?

- Uh... you know what,

I actually brought
it home by accident.

I got confused because
I know someone with that name.

- You know another Zeff?
- [chuckles]

- Yeah, he's married
to Sharon's friend, Zudy.

We have dinner with
Zeff and Zudy once a month.

You know, I'm gonna
go home and get it.

[chuckles]
Excuse me.

- I think they swing.

- So in the end, it's more
than a vending machine.

It's a vending experience.

- A vending experience that
serves fried octopus balls?

- It also serves eel balls
and clam balls and...

it's really just
the three kinds of balls.

- Oh, okay.
On that horrifying note,

Scully and Hitchcock,
it's your turn.

- Allow me to introduce
you to the Q3400.

She's got it all.
Chips, candy, soda,

and a whole lot of class.

- That sounds great
for snacking, but what if

I'm stuck working late
at the office?

- How about a personal-sized
frozen pizza?

- And then what?
I have to carry it

all the way over to
the microwave on my own?

Who has the time?

- Well, you're
in luck, because...

- I get it!
It cooks the pizza for you.

- It cooks the pizza for you.

Both:
♪ And you know

- ♪ It ain't fiction

- ♪ Just a natural fact

- ♪ Ooh
We come together ♪

Both:
♪ 'Cause opposites attract

- No applause?
Wow.

- I'm still just
a little confused.

Who is Sean, really?

Why'd your sister
say he was a NARC?

Is he a cop?
- He's not a cop.

He caught me
cheating on my boyfriend

and he snitched.
It was a real dick move,

but I have since forgiven him.

- It's just weird
that none of us have

ever heard of him before.

- And we're paranoid
because Doug still has

that copy friend in the NYPD.

- That dude is not my friend.
- Yeah.

- He dumb as hell.
- Yeah.

- I'm always tricking him.
- Well, not every time.

- Plus, he's short.
- Everyone's short to you.

You're a giant.
- Probably never even had sex.

- Seems unlikely.
He's an adult.

But the point is, I'm Sean.
Tall Sean.

- Okay, well I'm glad
to hear you're not a NARC,

'cause it'd have
been real awkward

considering what
we did earlier.

- Huh?

- While you were checking in,
we stole $10 million

worth of diamonds
from that rich Russian dude

in the penthouse!
[laughter]

- Bling, bling, baby!

- You idiots.
He's NYPD.

That's Doug's cop friend.

- Wow... way to ruin
Doug's bachelor party, Trudy.

What a buzz kill, right, guys?

.

- I knew it was
a mistake to invite a cop.

That's why you
should only interact

with people who
are exactly the same as you.

- That's a terrible lesson.

- Sometimes
things aren't lessons.

Sometimes things are
just messed up facts.

- Guys, relax, Jake
wasn't gonna arrest anybody.

- No, I definitely was.
- With what evidence?

The diamonds aren't even here.

- They confessed
right in front of me.

- Why would you pull a heist

in the middle
of my bachelor party?

- You pulled a heist
during my wedding.

- Shh... he's a cop, man.
Come on, chill.

- Judy.
- Come on, guys.

What are we gonna do?

- I say we tie this NARC up,

leave him to starve, and
disappear with the diamonds.

- Chuck.
- We're not doing that.

- Thank you.
- It'll ruin my bachelor party.

- That's your issue with it?

- I put a lot
of work into this weekend.

I got us all shirts
that say, "Doug's Dudes."

- Ooh.

- Sorry,
but what's done is done.

It's not like we can
put the diamonds back.

- Hold up, that's a great idea.

We pull a reverse heist.

Does the Russian know
his diamonds are missing?

- No, we swapped
them for fakes.

- Perfect, that means
he hasn't reported it.

No harm, no foul.
- Okay, wait.

I mean, obviously I love
the premise and I think

a reverse heist would make
for a great movie and I already

have the tag line, "This summer
there are takebacks."

- Love that.

- The poster would be you
and me back-to-back with

our arms crossed, but no,
I'm not on board with this.

I'm a cop.

- And a cop's job
is to prevent crime

and that's what you'd be doing.

Please, Jake.
For me?

- Okay, fine.
'Cause it's your bachelor party

and only if I see them
put back with my own eyes.

- Yes! Deal.
Reverse heist, baby.

- The Takeback.
Coming this fall to HBO.

- It's a TV show now?

- Well that's where
all the best content is.

- So what do you think?
Which gum looks

the most like the one
from the picture?

- Two pink, too wet, too small,
too chewed, too smooth,

too wet, all wrong, too pink,

too fresh,
too dirty, too clean.

None of these work.
You struck out.

- We don't have any time.
What do we do?

- I don't know.
Pick one and pray.

- Uh... I'm gonna go with... you.

- Not that one.

This one.

- Hmm... it's a little
less pink than I recall.

But I suppose we exaggerate
the beauty of those we love.

It's good to have
you back, old friend.

- Can I ask why that
card is so important?

- Because of Zeff Wilcox.

He was a victim
in the first case I worked.

I always want to remember him.
- That's nice.

- And the words
he wrote on the back.

- The back... say what, now?

- Why is this blank?

- I threw it away.
I thought it was trash.

I didn't know you kept it
to remember someone you helped.

- I didn't help Zeff,
I failed Zeff.

His case was never solved.

The words written
on the back were:

"Thanks for nothing."

- Oh, man, that's rough.

- I have held onto
that card for 30 years

because I always wanted
to remember what it felt like

to let someone down,
so I'd never do it again.

That card made me
the cop I am today.

Without it... I'm lost.

- Since this seems important
now, I want to be clear.

This is Terry's thing, I've
just been along for the ride.

- Rosa!
- Noted.

- So tell us how you stole

the diamonds, so we can
just reverse it.

- Won't work.
We took them from the luggage

downstairs, posing as bellhops.

It was a one-time opportunity.

- And now the fakes
are locked in the safe

in a bodyguard-protected suite.

- Well lucky for you, I have
a long past in heist planning.

It's how I proposed to my wife.

- That's a great story.
Makes me cry every time.

- Oh, thank you.
Well, I guess I'll tell it.

You see, once a year,
at Halloween...

I can tell that
I'm losing the room.

I'll just move on.
[clears throat]

So here's how
our thing is gonna go.

Every hotel safe
has an override code,

in case guests
leave them locked.

That code is kept on
the concierge's computer.

- [clears throat]
Do you know who this is?

This is Matt Daniel,
the most popular

male ASMR performer on Twitch.

- ASMR performer?
- Someone who speaks real soft.

- I also crinkle paper.

- We're trying
to stream and the noise

on the eighth floor
is unacceptable.

- My fans can't
hear my mouth sounds.

- I'm so sorry,
I can't hear you.

- That's the point, Georgina.

- He says that's the point,
Georgina.

This is taking too long.
Make a video.

Tell your
25 million subscribers

to never stay
at this crap hotel.

- No, no, no.
I'll take care of it.

Let me talk
to my general manager.

- You better run.
- Matt, don't yell.

You'll strain
your beautiful voice.

- Once we hack
into the computer

and get the override code,

Trudy will put on a
housekeeper's uniform

and I will gracefully
hide in her cart.

I got it myself.

Then, after the Russian
goes out for the night,

Trudy will show up
for turn-down service

and I sneak out when
the guards are distracted by

Trudy's signature
sexy housekeeping.

- [moaning]

- Trudy will then exit,
leaving me behind in the suite

so I can unlock the balcony
door for Chuck and Doug,

who are waiting outside
on the window washer's rig.

Chuck will bring the stolen
diamonds and I'll use

the override code to put
them back where they belong.

Then, we head down to the room
where we party like hell.

[hip-hop music]

- Trudy Judy...

- It's exactly 14,
just like you promised.

- You did promise her butts.
- I know.

- Mmm... the smell
of fresh cooked pizza.

- Where are we?
Rome, Italy?

- Guys, you got
the vending machine you wanted.

You can stop with
the play acting.

- I don't think
that's scripted.

That's just them
talking about pizza.

- Yum, yum, yum.

- I shouldn't have pushed
for the fish ball machine.

I should've just played it safe

and gone for
the fish cake machine.

- So you don't think
the fish part was the problem?

- I don't.
- Well, at least they're happy.

Look at 'em.

[both screaming]

- My pizza!

- You did it, Peralta.

You pulled off
the reverse heist.

This whole time
I thought you were a bitch...

but truth is,
you're actually that bitch!

- He is, isn't he?
He's that bitch.

- I don't know if I want
that nickname to stick.

[knocking]

- Ooh, I hope
my butts are back.

- I do not like how butts

have become your thing, Trudy.

You used to love horses.
- Horses have butts.

- Guys, it's not butts.

I'm so sorry, Doug.

- Miami PD!

- It's just those
three back there.

- Hand on the table.

- Jake, what the hell?

- Cops always be copping.

.

- Hey!
Hey there, friends.

I tried to flag down
your taxi as you were leaving

the police station.
It was actually funny,

'cause we made a lot
of eye contact,

but you just drove off.

Anyways, I'm here now.
We can go.

- You want us to take
you back to New York

after you got my
friends arrested?

- Nuh-uh,
you flying commercial, son.

- I hope you get a middle seat.

- I hope they charge
you for your carry-ons.

- I hope you sit next
to someone chatty.

- Someone going through
something real hard.

- I hope the pilot makes
an announcement during

the emotional climax
of the movie you're watching.

- Ooh, you nasty!
- Damn, Doug and Trudy Judy.

Look, I'm sorry,
but it was grand larceny.

I couldn't just let them
get away with it.

- Well if you were
gonna arrest them anyway,

why bother with
the reverse heist?

- It's like Trudy said.

We didn't have the diamonds.
It wasn't enough evidence.

- But we put them back.

- Yeah,
only because I was there.

Not to mention the fact
that I was fully complicit.

I could've gone to jail.

- Wait,
we destroyed your phone.

How did you call for backup?
- That was actually easy.

When Doug was distracted,
yelling at the concierge...

- Let me talk
to my general manager.

- I swapped out my
waterlogged phone for his.

- Damn, I would have noticed
that if I wasn't trying

to live in the moment and
not look at my phone so much.

- And then when I was hidden
in the cart, I called the cops.

- Mm, impossible.
I would've heard you.

- Not with the Smush Shush!

- This is Jake Peralta.
I'm a detective with the NYPD.

[groans]
Foot cramp, foot cramp.

- First of all, how dare you!

Second of all,
would you call Barbara Corcoran

and tell her this
product is not useless?

- I don't know her.
I'm sorry that I betrayed you,

Doug, but I'm a cop.
I didn't have a choice.

We can still be friends, right?
- I don't know.

Did you even illegally
download that O-Town album?

- No.
- [grunts]

- I bought it at their concert.
Came bundled with a sweatshirt.

- You make me sick.
- Disgusting.

- Doug!

Trudy!

Judy's!

- Hey, sir.

I'm sure you're
still mad at us.

- Just you, not Diaz.

- Okay, well,
I can't get that card back,

but I did bring you these.

They're business cards
of people you've helped.

One mistake did not make
you the cop you are today.

30 years of service
to the community did.

That should be your motivation.

I know you can't
remember their names, but...

- Alex Chen.
I do remember him.

36-year-old male,
carjacked at the corner

of 7th Avenue and 11th Street.

Had three siblings,
Alice, Arlene, and Anna.

- Okay, so you
remember Alex Chen.

- Yes, and I really helped him.
Perhaps he'll be my new Zeff.

- Welcome back, Captain Holt.

I'm really glad
we could help you with this.

- Oh, no, you're not gonna
just jump back in here

now that it all worked out!

- Thank you, Diaz.
- No!

No, thank Terry.
I did this!

Oh, I'm done.
You know what,

I did all of this.
This was all me!

This is ridiculous!

- We barely got to know her.
- And now we never will.

- I feel so bad for them,
but what do you say to someone

that's suffered
this kind of loss?

- I mean, it's kind of
on them for not checking

the voltage on a machine
that has a built in air-fryer.

- Don't blame the victim, Amy.

- Okay, guys, look.
I know this is sad,

but maybe everything
happens for a reason.

- What reason
could there possibly be

for the pain I'm feeling?

- Look, I probably
shouldn't be telling you this

because I know you'll abuse it,

but when there's
no third machine,

you can come
back here and do this.

- Everything
happens for a reason.

- Peralta!
You have to see this.

Guy got brought
in this morning.

Look what we found on him.

- Yeah, I get it, Rosa.

Every perp in the city
is invited and I'm not.

But I... wait a minute,
why is my name on this?

- 'Cause you're coming
to the wedding, baby!

- What's going on?
You're not mad at me anymore?

I arrested your best man.

- Just like I wanted you to.

I was putting on a show
in front of Trudy.

- What?

- Katherine, my fiancée,
doesn't want any of my

crook friends
coming to the wedding.

She's a federal judge,
how would that look?

- Okay, but couldn't you just
tell them they're not invited?

- Eh... that's an uncomfortable
conversation to have.

It was much easier this way.

- Oh, my God.
This whole thing was a set up?

- [chuckles]

- You wanted me
to find that invitation.

- Mm-hmm.

- You knew I would
never go on a trip with

a bunch of crooks
unless I felt unwanted.

- Classic negging.

- I bet you planned
to have your bachelor party

at that hotel because you knew

the oligarch was staying there.

- Hell, yeah, otherwise
I would've got an Airbnb.

- And as soon as your
friends committed a crime,

you banked on me
needing to arrest them.

- Damn right.
You're the most consistent

person in my life, Peralta.

I can always count on you.

But, there is one
detail you missed.

You never saw what
I was painting on the inside

of my mug at
the pottery place.

- "Will you be my best man"?

Judy, is this for real?

- It ain't fiction...

♪ Just a natural fact

- What!

Both: ♪ We come together
'cause opposites attract ♪

- I'll do it!
[both shout]

Both: ♪ Awww... I'm MC Kat
on the rap, so mic it ♪

♪ Here's a little story
and you're sure to like it ♪

- The worst rap!
- [laughs]

- Not a doctor.
Shh.