Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 7 - Ding Dong - full transcript

What's this meeting about?

Did someone find
my meatball sub?

A, we would never have
a meeting about that.

- B, you are holding it.
- Oh.

Meeting adjourned.

Meeting's not over, dummy.

Terry said he had some news
from the office

of Commissioner Wuntch.

What does that human blister
want now?

Does she intend
to demote me even further?

Or perhaps she'll transfer me
to the swamps of New Jersey



so I can patrol the sinkhole
where she was spawned.

Or it's possible
the announcement has nothing

- to do with you.
- Oh, good thinking, Peralta.

You're right.

Maybe Madeline wants to inform

us all that she's a Cheuksin.

- A what?
- A Cheuksin.

A Korean toilet ghost,
lives in an outhouse,

wraps her hair around your
throat and chokes you to death

- while you move your bowels.
- You know what?

I will give you $6,000
if the announcement

is she's a Cheuksin.

- Okay, everyone.
- I have some news.

That Madeline Wuntch
is a Korean toilet ghost?



Boring.
We already knew that.

Madeline Wuntch is dead.

Say what now?

- Wait, Wuntch is dead?
- Yeah.

The Commissioner's office
just notified us.

No way that's true.

As Wuntch says
when she sees deodorant,

"I'm not buying it."

- Sir, she's dead.
- Oh, Terry.

Zombies can't die.
This is some sort of scam.

If she were dead,

we would be hearing
the sounds of children

- singing in the streets.
- I don't know, sir.

You didn't believe it
when we told you

the Disco Strangler died,
either.

- And I was right.
- He was faking it.

Maybe she's alive.

Why would Wuntch fake
her own death?

The same reason she visits
Mexico once a year

and sucks the blood
from all the goats.

For kicks.

Look, I don't know
what to tell you,

but she's dead.
What do you want?

To open up her coffin
and check for yourself?

Oh, she's very dead.

Hello, gentlemen.

Guess who's walking
the red carpet this Saturday?

- Chord Overstreet.
- Who?

- Sam Evans from "Glee."
- No, me.

Why would you guess that? I was
clearly talking about me.

Okay, but for the record,

I bet Chord Overstreet
will also be walking one.

Stop talking about
Chord Overstreet.

No, I'm going
to the world premiere

of "Kwazy Kupcakes: The Movie."

- Whoa!
- How'd you get the invite?

- My buddy Mikey J.
- Hooked me up.

- Oh, your ska friend?
- Did he work on the movie?

No, he submitted
an unsolicited script

that a producer
accidentally opened

so legally they had to give him
a "story by" credit,

and now I've got four tickets.

- Wow.
- So who you bringing?

You know, Cagney and Lacey
love "Kwazy Kupcakes."

- They are crazy Kwazy fans.
- Huh, cool.

Well, if you guys
are free this Saturday...

Stop, before you say
anything you regret,

you should know that
"Kwazy Kupcakes"

means a lot to Nikolaj.

At the orphanage that game
was his only friend.

Touching, but Cagney and Lacey

don't have any friends at all.

Maybe they can make some
at this event.

So what do you say, Jake?

- Whose kids do you like more?
- What?

Wait, wait, wait.
That's not what this is about.

No, Boyle's right.
Whose kids do you like more?

- Tell us now.
- Okay.

You guys are being
really intense.

I like all of your kids
an equal amount.

Just give me some space
and I'll figure out

- who I'm gonna take.
- Okay, backing off.

- Stepping away.
- Making room.

- Letting you breathe.
- Thank you.

Did you both just send me
pictures of your kids crying?

Both: No.

Ding, dong, the Wuntch is dead.

Bagels for everyone!

So I guess you believe it now.

Yep.
Wanna see the selfies I took?

- Actually, yes.
- I'll share the album with you.

Oh, my God!

I just heard about Wuntch!

She was so young!

For a redwood tree.

Uh, I don't understand
what's going on.

- Why are you crying?
- A person is dead.

- I feel sad.
- That's insane.

You don't feel sad
when a monster dies

in a monster movie.

In "E.T.,"

do you feel sad
when E.T. dies?

- Yes.
- He wasn't a monster.

- He caused a real commotion.
- It isn't just Wuntch.

I started seeing
a fertility doctor

and she has me taking hormones
to help with ovulation

and my emotions
are in overdrive.

Well, I know just the thing
to cheer you up.

Wuntch is dead!
Bagel!

Bagel!
Bagel!

Sir, I am loving
this color on you,

but don't you think
you should tone it down?

Why, in case I run
into her family?

I'm not planning any trips
to the Bronx Zoo.

Wait.

Does this mean you're gonna
be captain again?

It does.

The Chief of Personnel called

to say the promotion
is in the works.

Her death means I've won.

It's finally over.

An email from Madeline Wuntch?

Subject line,
"It's not over."

My friends,

I have a proclamation
to bestow upon ye.

Why are you talking like that?

And why'd you have us
come in here?

Is this about the tickets?

It is indeed about said tickets,

and said proclamation about
said tickets is in fact...

Jake, just tell us.
No one is liking this.

I'm loving it.
You sound so smart.

Oh, thank you,
my loyal subject Charles.

Now, as you know, this decision
has been quite hard upon me...

Title of mine sex tape... but
I have made it at long last,

and it is my decree
that the recipient shall be...

- Both of you.
- What?

Did you talk to Mikey J.
And get more tickets?

Indeed I did not,

but it is my decision

that I will cut all

- of said tickets in twain.
- Twain?

Terry doesn't want a twained
ticket to "Kwazy Kupcakes."

That's not how tickets work.

- You'd just be ruining them.
- None of us would get in.

- Are you dumb?
- No!

All right, full disclosure.

I was trying to do
that Bible thing

and then one of you
was gonna take the high road

and say that rather than see
the tickets destroyed,

you would just bow out,

and then that person

was gonna get the tickets.

Nope.

If I don't get them,
no one does.

Agreed.
Boyles or bust.

- Cut them up.
- I'm not gonna do that.

I'm just gonna have to think of
another way to figure this out.

Stupid Bible with stupid
lessons never solved crap!

So you were right.

Wuntch was not able to claw
through her coffin

and write the email herself.

It turns out, the lawyer
for her estate sent it.

I wish I had taken the LSATs.

Not to be a lawyer.
Just seems like a fun test.

- Dude, you're bumming us out.
- All right.

Uh, the email contains
a link to a video.

I'm going to play it.
Brace yourselves.

If it shows Madeline,

be sure not to look directly
into her eyes.

- Because we'll turn to stone?
- No.

Because her eyes are ugly.

Hello, Raymond.
Surprised to see me?

Well, I didn't say
Bloody Mary three times,

- so yes.
- When did she record this?

Judging by the flames
around her,

it could be a livestream.

Very good, Rosa.

I'm sure you consider
my untimely death a victory,

but I'd never let you win.

I told everyone that
in my final days,

we reconciled and you insisted
on hosting and organizing

my NYPD memorial service.

I know you won't be able
to resist badmouthing me

at the service.

All the top brass will be there,

and when you speak ill of me,

it will end your career.

It's over.
I won.

Bye, Raymond.

- Oh, no.
- I'm doomed.

Seriously?

All you have to do
is not insult a dead woman

- at her own memorial service.
- Exactly.

It's impossible.

Oh, you must be feeling better.

You're heating up
your favorite meal; beans.

They're refried.

It's bad enough
they were cooked once,

let alone twice,

and now the toaster oven
makes it three times.

I couldn't be crying
for help any louder.

So I take it
you couldn't get out

of organizing Wuntch's memorial.

Oh, no.
It's impossible.

She has bested me yet again.

Well then stop being such
a moron, you idiot.

- Amy!
- Sorry, it's the hormones.

They're making me
really irritable.

Angry Amy's right.

All you have to do is say
a few nice comments

- during the memorial.
- As God said

when Wuntch tried to sneak past
the gates into heaven,

"It ain't happening, honey."

I tried to write a kind speech
about her last night,

- and this is what came out.
- Oh.

It's, like, 20 pages long.

- Why is it in all caps?
- So I remember to yell it.

Oh, well, you obviously
can't read any of this.

Look, since you
can't say anything nice,

try saying the opposite
of whatever you're thinking.

Interesting.

I'll give it a whirl.

Madeline Wuntch was...

- A friend.
- See?

It's not that hard
to say something ni...

Oh, you're vomiting.

- Hi, Jake.
- It's me, Nikolaj.

Hey, bud.
What are you doing here?

It's Thursday.

Shouldn't you be
at tailoring class?

I want to say thank you.

Dad said that you were
giving us tickets

to the "Kwazy Kupcakes" movie.

- Oh, he did, did he?
- Excuse me one second.

- Of all the twisted moves!
- Don't hate the player.

Go ahead.
Tell Niko he's not going.

I dare you.

Hey, listen.

Niko, there's something
I gotta tell you.

Both: Uncle Jake!
Uncle Jake!

- Slow down, girls.
- No need to run.

Uncle Jake is family.

Now, what do you wanna say
to Uncle Jake?

Both: Thank you
for the tickets.

Oh, that's so cute
how you said that

at the same time without
rehearsing it in the car.

- It sure is.
- Hey, Terry, Charles,

can I speak with you
in the break room for a moment?

Uh, hey, kids, look at this.

Pimping out your kids?

I hate to say this, but you two

are acting like bad dads,
and I should know.

One time my father forgot
to pick me up from school

'cause he was having sex
with my best friend's mom.

Oh, my God.
That's terrible.

Yeah.
I was 15.

I just walked to the mall

and watched "Empire Records"
by myself,

but the point is,
you're both acting ridiculous.

No, this is on you, Jake.

- You need to make a choice.
- That's not fair.

You both want to go and I don't
want to hurt either of you.

But maybe I don't have to.

I can let fate hurt you.
We'll flip a coin.

Terry, call it in the air.
Heads or tails.

Neither.

Oh, my God.

Did you just fold my quarter
in half?

Fate's a bitch.

You make the choice.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Just so you know,
I would never bend your money.

- Yeah, 'cause you can't.
- Correct, I cannot.

- No one can.
- How did he do that?

Now these fertility drugs
are making me sweat.

- Is it noticeable?
- No.

- Yes.
- Oh.

I thought we were gonna
lie to her

because it's so upsetting
to look at.

Just tell me what room
the memorial is in.

We don't have a lot
of time to set up.

About that.

Yesterday before
you convinced me

to hold a respectful service,

I sent some instructions for
how I wanted the room to look.

We may need to make some tweaks.

- So many balloon arches.
- I know.

It all has to go.
Okay!

Everyone, we have work to do.

- Better?
- Much.

But to be clear,

the first version was dope

and you have my respect
for life.

Excuse me.

Is this the memorial
for Madeline Wuntch?

Yes, this is the memorial
for Madeline Wuntch.

Just saying her name
brings tears to my eyes.

Why, because her heart
was made of onions?

Excuse me?

Madeline Wuntch was what you get

when you cross a slug
with an anal fissure.

We spent our entire lives
trying to destroy each other.

I was her one true nemesis.

No.

Hey there, Jake.

I felt bad about folding

your quarter in half,

so I got you a new one.

Thank you.
But that's not a quarter.

Wow, you're right.

That happens to be an 1883

Carson City silver dollar
in near-mint condition

complete with
commemorative case.

That's gotta be worth $138.

You know what?
Keep it.

Shame.

Shame, Terrence Jeffords, shame!

You probably didn't
realize this, Jake,

but the lieutenant over here
is trying to bribe you.

Yeah, I don't think
he's hiding that.

- I am not.
- Well, neither am I.

Here's a check for $200.

Another silver dollar.

Ooh, looks like I'm up to 276.

Well, here's a second check
for $77.

- I am up one dollar.
- Four more.

How many silver dollars
do you have?

As many as it takes.

Well, this checkbook
is only on 304,

so I can write checks
all day long.

- Well, you know what?
- Here's my watch.

- Yeah, melt this down.
- Enough!

I'm tired of being stuck
in the middle of this.

You figure out who gets
the tickets and tell me.

That should keep them busy
for a little while.

Hey, Jake, we've decided
how to settle this.

We're gonna duke it out
in the ring.

What?

That man is lying.

I don't believe Wuntch
had another rival.

I saw it in her eyes.

She only had hate for me.

- Are you jealous?
- Of course I am.

I despised her
with my entire being

while she was only despising me
with a fraction of hers?

Sir, you were doing so well,
okay?

Don't let this rattle you.

Are you wearing sponges
in your armpits?

If you have a better way
to soak up sweat,

I would like to hear it.

Where are you going?

To find out
if there was another man.

- So, um, Adam is it?
- Mm-hmm.

I only ask because
Madeline never mentioned you.

Interesting,
'cause she mentioned you to me,

- as a friend.
- Friend?

- Mm.
- I think you added an "R"

- to the word "fiend."
- No, I'm sure it was friend.

I mean, based on context alone,

I wouldn't say somebody was one
of my closest fiends.

Oh, you might.

We had a very
contentious relationship.

She never forgave me
for embarrassing her

in front of Derek Jeter.

Well, I embarrassed her
in front of A-Rod

and J.Lo together.

For 15 years I replaced
her anti-wrinkle cream

with sour cream.

I replaced her Lactaid pills
with Tic Tacs.

Dead moron was crapping
her pants for months.

She hacked into
my Netflix account

and watched
the "Lizzie McGuire" movie

on repeat to ruin my algorithm.

She made me guard that doctor

who came back
to New York with Ebola.

Sir, maybe you want
to keep it down.

There's people...
That witch ruined my life!

She demoted me from captain
to uniformed officer.

Eight years ago she had me
kicked off the force entirely.

You were not her greatest rival,

and the proof is right here.

Hello, Adam.

I may be dying

but I burned down
your cabin in Maine.

You were my one true rival.

There you have it.

I meant nothing to her.

That cockroach Madeline
was two-timing me!

No sign of Holt anywhere.

I know that's important,

but I don't think
I can just breeze past

the outfit,
"Sister Act."

I sweat through my clothes

and I found this in the back
of a closet, okay?

- Deal with it.
- You look great.

- Oh, there he is.
- Sir, over here.

Where are you?

Why are you holding
the mean yelling speech?

Because I'm gonna yell it,
meanly.

I wasted half my life hating
that duplicitous hag,

and she didn't even have
the decency

to truly hate me back.

Well, screw her.

- I'm gonna ruin her memorial.
- No, you can't do that.

If you read that speech,
you'll be fired.

You're right.

And that would ruin my career.

And it's worth it.

I'm giving the speech.

No, that's what Wuntch wanted.

- You're letting her win.
- Sweaty Amy's right.

If you really wanna
get back at her,

you'll team up with Adam

and give her a nice funeral.

It's like
" The Durrells of Corfu"

when Prudence and Louisa
joined forces...

To sink the catamaran
of the bookseller Yorgos

who wronged them both.
Yes!

I will team up with Adam.

Wow.

For a moment there,

I almost forgot who
the real villain was.

- The woman who recently died.
- Mm.

Charles, why did you
let Terry choose boxing?

- He didn't.
- I picked it.

- But you'll die.
- Don't worry about it.

Boxing's in my blood.

My Nana Boyle boxed in the Navy.

I'm sure she did but...
And hear me out...

What if you're not as strong
as your Nana Boyle?

I can handle myself.

She taught me
her signature punch;

- the Strawberry Basket.
- That does not reassure me.

Hey there, big guy.

You sure you're feeling okay
about ending Charles' life?

Yep, my girls
are gonna see this movie.

Right, well,
before you commit manslaughter,

I do feel compelled
to tell you that the movie

only has a 38
on Rotten Tomatoes.

Jake, stop yapping
and let them fight.

I wanna see the big guy pop
the little guy's head off.

Yeah, let's start the fight!

I wanna pop that
little guy's head off!

You're clearly the little guy.

Good one, Jake.

- All right.
- I guess this is happening.

Touch gloves.

Charles, it's been very nice
being your friend.

Terry, I'll visit you in prison.

And...

- Fight.
- Strawberry basket!

Whoo, yeah!

You mess with Grandma,

you're gonna get the basket!

Charles, you punched him
in the nards.

Yeah, Nana fought nasty.

Now if you don't mind,
I'd like those tickets.

I didn't hear no bell!

Jake, I think those
tickets are mine.

Strawberry basket!

- Guys, stop!
- It's a movie about cupcakes!

- You don't understand!
- You don't have kids!

Wow, that speech
would have been amazing.

I had to look up what
a toilet ghost was.

Uh, yes, I took a trip to Korea

just to research
a new Wuntch insult.

In fact it's been a motivation

for most
of my international travel.

- Mm.
- So you guys are friends now?

Uh, yes, it seems we have
a great deal in common.

Well, one thing.

Both: Hating Wuntch.

I read him the obituary
I wrote for her,

but the "Times" wouldn't
publish it.

It had too many obscenities.

And I read him
my all caps speech.

- And I loved it.
- It was like poetry.

Madeline smelled like dog crap.

Raymond convinced me the best
way to get back at Wuntch

is to make sure
he doesn't get fired.

Also I'm just gonna chisel
a penis onto her headstone.

And I'm gonna watch.

Please take your seats.

Well, uh, time for me to go

make a tear-jerker of a speech.

Hey, I thought
of the best hashtag

to post with my photo
of the grave penis.

I'm not on board
with that friendship.

Yeah, there's something
weird about that guy.

Hey, when did he say
he got kicked off the force?

- Eight years ago.
- That doesn't add up.

He said Wuntch sent him
to guard the Ebola doctor.

- Wasn't that six years ago?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Wuntch sent him to destroy Holt.

Good afternoon.

On this sad day,

I'd like to say a few words
about Commissioner Wuntch.

Madeline smelled like dog crap.

I'm sorry.

I... I don't know what...

From a sick dog.

Adam, what are you doing?

I'm showing everyone your
true colors, Raymond Holt.

Enjoy the show, people!

Madeline Wuntch
will not soon be forgotten.

Trick or Treaters will dress
like her for generations.

- Hey!
- Diaz, delete all the videos.

Deleted.

- It's over.
- Yeah, for you.

Everyone who's anyone in NYPD

just saw you for your true self.

- Your career is ruined, Ray-Ray.
- Who are you?

- Why are you doing this?
- I'm Madeline Wuntch's nephew.

She sent me here to carry out

the final phase
of her master plan,

and now it's all over.
Wait, why are you smiling?

Because, Adam, this isn't
the real memorial.

- It's all a ruse.
- What?

Yeah, what?

I knew Wuntch had one

final trick up her sleeve.

I didn't know what it was,

so I had to be prepared
for anything.

This whole thing was staged.

None of these people
are real mourners.

They're not even in the NYPD.

- You hired actors?
- Worse.

They're members
of local improv troupes,

and they did it for
"the exposure."

This has been a blast,

but we have to go start a flash
mob at the Freedom Tower.

Oh, check out
our YouTube channel.

- No.
- Sit down.

I have to hand it to you, Adam.

You almost fooled me,

but no other man could possibly

have what Wuntch and I had.

We were star-crossed haters.

Whatever.

I still inherit half her estate

- just for trying this.
- Cool.

Who gets the other half
of every child's nightmares?

- I love it, Rosa.
- Great work all day.

So how are you two feeling
after your little boxing match?

- My head hurts.
- I can't feel my strawberries.

I meant more emotionally
and less groinally,

but listen, ever since I brought
these tickets up,

you guys have made my life
absolutely miserable,

but that ends now,
because I've made a choice.

- Cagney is sick.
- We don't know how long she has.

- We do know for Nikolaj.
- It's 36 hours.

- Just stop, all right?
- Stop lying.

This is exactly the type
of behavior

that has led me to decide that
I'm not taking either of you.

- Seriously?
- Oh, man.

The kids are gonna be
so disappointed.

No, they won't,
because they're going.

That's right,
I'm bringing all three of them

by myself
and you two don't get to go.

Your childish behavior
has led you to miss out

on the most exciting movie
premiere event

in the state of New York
this Saturday.

I hope you've learned
your lesson.

Good day.

Wait.
He's taking the kids for us?

It's just like getting
a free babysitter.

This is incredible.

People without kids
are so stupid.

- They're gonna destroy him.
- Yeah.

So just to be clear,

this service is actually real,
right?

Oh, yes.

I figured if I needed
two fake memorials

to smoke out Wuntch's plan,

she deserved to win,

but she didn't win.
I did.

Finally beat the old fishwife.

It's crazy.

After today you never
have to think

about Madeline Wuntch again.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

Sir, does that make you sad?

I don't know.

I think maybe...

Yes?

Well, I think it's natural

to feel a little down
about her death.

For the last 20 years,
your lives have been entangled.

Because of her ratty hair.

No, it's not the same.

Now it just feels like
I'm insulting

- a helpless dead person.
- You are.

It's what you've been doing
all week.

Yeah, it's been tight.

Well, it's time for my speech.

Sir, what are you gonna say?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll just be honest.

Did he say he
was gonna be honest?

Yeah, this is gonna be bad.

As many of you know,

Madeline and I
were bitter rivals,

but I've come to realize

she held a special place
in my life.

No one challenged me
like she did

or made me feel as alive.

Our relationship was like
an epic chess match.

And it's hard to believe that...

She'll never make another move.

Unless...

No, it's just a notification.

Cheddar's doggy toothpaste
has shipped.

So she is gone,

and I wish she were not.

I will miss you,
Madeline Wuntch.

Wario, why are you like this?

Hey, so I don't know
if you noticed,

but ever since I started
those hormone treatments...

I didn't notice anything.

You said that way too quick.

I mean, you did cry
at that one car commercial

and it wasn't even
an emotional one.

- It was about towing capacity.
- Yeah.

Well, I called the doctor

to see if that was
a common side effect

and apparently, it isn't.

Oh, no.

- Is everything okay?
- Yeah.

She did have one guess
as to what might be causing it.

And, um, she was right.

Ames.

- Are we having a baby?
- We're having a baby.

It happened!

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.

Fremulon.