Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 9 - Dillman - full transcript
Sir, I'd like to talk to you
about the new task force
you're on the hiring
committee for.
The Special Tactical
Operations and Auxiliary.
Strategic Response
Citywide Emergency.
Investigative Unit
for Emergency Operations?
You know,
I had a hand in naming it.
And it's great, although you
might wanna try shortening it,
maybe using a cool acronym.
So the.
Hm, you're right. That is cool.
Sure, anyways, I know some
of the best cops in the city
are gonna be on that task force,
and I would appreciate it
if you'd consider me for it.
Here's my résumé.
And I thought it would be fun
if I rapped it.
But then I realized that would
be a terrible idea,
so I just wrote it down
normally.
It'll probably
rhyme a lot on accident.
Try not to focus on that.
"Jake Peralta is age 39,
but professionally,
he's still in his prime..."
"If you ask me,
he's New York's fine... est.
Charles enters."
- Charles, it's not a rap.
- It never was.
Everyone's professional here.
Not the lyrics
we discussed either.
Anyways, sir, I really think
that I deserve this task force.
My clearance rate puts me
in the top 2% of all NYPD det...
I am aware of your
qualifications, Peralta,
but I'm only allowed
to recommend one name
for the.
And you don't think the
acronym's just a little clunky?
Oh, no, it's quite catchy.
Look, I really feel like
I've got what it takes.
I'm experienced,
I'm hardworking,
and I'm unflappable
in the face of...
Oh, my God! What was that?
Scully, are you hurt?
- Is that blood?
- It's glitter.
There was a box on Jake's desk.
I opened it,
and it just exploded.
I can't feel my face.
And, not to be rude,
but is that something
you can normally feel?
Oh, right. I guess I'm fine.
Jeffords, evacuate the precinct.
- I'll contact the bomb squad.
- No, no, no, no, no, wait.
I think this actually
might have been
a prank that malfunctioned.
Look, the box
was connected to a tank
of compressed air
under the desk.
It was supposed to shoot
glitter at whoever opened it,
but something must have clogged
the pressure release valve,
- and the tank exploded.
- Wow.
The silver lining
is no one got hurt.
And the lead lining
is that this prank
caused significant property
damage in the precinct.
Fair point, but we do shatter
a lot of glass around here.
Either it's Rosa
who's disappointed
in her Buzzfeed results...
I am not a Blanche.
Or Charles trying to bro out...
Hut, think fast, dude.
Or just Terry
gently shutting a window
and forgetting how strong he is.
- And look at this.
- Evidence was compromised.
Oh no, the shirt from
the Dekalb Street murder.
That's the only
hard evidence we have.
ADA Green's already mad
we didn't find anything else.
Why is this on your desk,
Peralta?
I logged it out for trial,
but Officer Howard
is the one who got it
from the evidence locker.
Let's blame him.
He's always up to no good.
What? You don't even know me.
- Yes, I do.
- Then what's my last name?
I thought it was Howard.
- It's Booth.
- My name is Howard Booth.
Okay, fine,
but just so you know,
the only thing I'm gonna
remember from this interaction
is that you put me
on the spot, so...
Sir, I know this is important,
but I kinda gotta go.
Cagney and Lacey's
recorder concert's
in an hour
and I promised that I...
No one leaves until the culprit
is brought to justice.
But they're playing
"Uptown Funk."
I wouldn't care if
they were playing actual music.
Whoever did this was obviously
someone Peralta pranked
seeking revenge.
Who are his recent victims?
I'm sorry,
but I'm the Prankmaster General
and I take that role
very seriously.
Look at this. There's a note.
It says, "Gotcha back, babe."
It was Amy.
Who else would call Jake "babe"?
Charles went through
that year-long phase
where he called
everybody "babe."
- Uh-huh.
- I forget.
Did you guys like that?
No.
I still think it was Amy.
Obviously I'm being framed,
probably by whomever
keeps accusing me.
No one's asking
the obvious question.
Why did Scully open a package
on Peralta's desk?
Perhaps he was
setting up the prank,
and it blew up in his face.
No, I just saw a box
and I thought,
"Oh, cookies come in boxes."
I bet it wasn't anyone
in this squad.
That's exactly what
a guilty person would say.
So in order to prove
my innocence,
I just need to start
pointing fingers?
Mm-hmm.
- Fine, it was Amy.
- Really?
Because the "Babe" thing
screams you, Charles.
- Oh, you wanna hear screaming?
- It was Amy!
Somebody confess!
Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
It appears a crime
has been committed,
and no one will confess.
- Doing a German accent?
- I was going for Belgian,
Like in "Murder on
the Orient Express."
You sound like a Nazi.
Okay, not a great note to hear.
I'll just use my normal voice.
The point is a crime
has been committed,
and someone in this room did it.
There are seven suspects
all with means and motive.
It appears what we have
is a classic whodunnit.
The phrase "whodunnit"
is a grammatical abomination.
Please use the proper term,
a "who has done this."
I will not, however,
in order to solve this case,
we need the very finest
of detectives,
one with a unique set
of skills, someone named...
Dillman! I'll call Dillman!
Who?
I hear you need some help
with a "who has done this."
Squad,
meet detective Frank Dillman
of the San Francisco PD.
He is in town,
and we were supposed
to have lunch tomorrow,
but I asked him to come down
because I need an objective
set of eyes on this.
- I can be objective.
- Then tell me.
- How do I look today?
- Normal?
No. Dillman?
- Bloated.
- Thank you.
Dillman is the single
best detective
I have ever worked with.
Sadly, he was unjustly fired
for investigating
corruption in the NYPD.
He hated dirty cops so much
they used to call him Mr. Clean.
Uh-huh, I'm sure
that's the only reason
they called him that.
- Because I'm bald?
- You think that's funny?
I started shaving my head
20 years ago in solidarity
with my mother who was
undergoing chemotherapy.
Oh, look, I'm so sorry...
I'm obviously lying.
It's classic
male pattern baldness.
But now, based on your reaction,
I know every single thing
about you as a person.
- That can't be true.
- It is.
- You're cooked.
- All right, let's get started.
I want written statements
from every witness...
Personnel files
for the entire squad.
Of course, I need to have
this desk dusted for prints,
see if we get a hit
on the AFI system.
Somebody could maybe get rid
of those pigeons.
And, of course, I'll need
to see any surveillance video.
Unfortunately,
this area's a blind spot.
The camera that covers it
broke two weeks ago,
and it hasn't been fixed yet.
Really don't want me
to see that security footage,
do you, Lieutenant?
- Hm, I wonder why.
- I was just stating the facts.
I didn't do anything
to the camera.
I never thought you did,
but now I know
every single thing
about you as a person.
Everyone back off.
Dillman has the scene.
Man, this sucks.
This case would have been
the perfect chance for you
to prove to Holt that you
deserve that task force.
Yeah. Maybe it still is.
Holt thinks Dillman's
the best detective
he's ever worked with,
so what happens
if I solve the case before him?
Then I become the best
detective Holt has ever
worked with, and he has
to give me the task force.
Dillman thinks he knows
everything about me
as a person, but there's
one thing he doesn't know.
I'm about to take him down...
Oh, my God,
he's staring right at us.
Quick, pretend like
I was saying something else.
Yes, Jake, you were young
when you lost your virginity.
Thank you, Charles!
- The DA's office called.
- Greene is furious.
He thinks he may have to drop
all charges in the Dekalb case.
Whoever did this is facing
a massive suspension,
and there's no use hiding
because Dillman
will smoke you out.
Right, but is there any way
he could hurry it up?
So far it's just been a lot
of silent pacing.
Would you ask a heart surgeon
to hurry it up?
I mean, I would if he was
just walking around a room.
Okay, here's what we know.
The glitter bomb was placed
between 12:20 and 12:55.
All the suspects say
they were at lunch
and have an alibi for that time,
which means one of you is lying.
It was Terry.
Thanks for coming by, Dill,
but I got it from here.
You see, Terrence,
I couldn't help but notice
you're not wearing
suspenders today...
Odd, considering suspenders
are your entire personality.
Seems a little reductive.
I had a rough childhood,
but I lifted myself up
through arts and athletics...
- Ah-buh-buh-buhp.
- You're the suspenders guy.
Something felt fishy,
so Jakey went fishing,
and I caught me a fat one.
And look at that...
Terry's suspenders
stuffed into his desk drawer,
and there's glitter on them...
Red glitter.
Feels like that deserved
an audible gasp.
Thank you, Charles.
You got messy
setting up the prank.
You didn't want anyone to see.
You put the suspenders
in your desk drawer.
Case closed.
Did you put that folder there
just so you could close it?
Yes, Rosa, obviously.
I didn't do anything.
Well, if you didn't do anything,
how come the case is closed?
- It's not.
- Hm?
The glitter
on Jeffords' suspenders
is type 9A round red glitter
while the bomb spewed
type 9C round red glitter,
but then I suppose
all round red glitter
looks the same to you.
No. I know the difference.
- One is bigger?
- Shinier.
Ah.
The number refers to the size.
The letter refers
to its reflective qualities.
Seems like you know a weird
amount about glitter, man.
So good detective work
is weird to you?
Interesting squad
you have here, Raymond.
- I didn't choose them.
- They were here when I arrived.
Understood.
The real question is
why Jeffords
had glitter on him at all.
Fortunately, I have the answer.
I deduced that he has
three young daughters...
Twins and a toddler.
- Big deal.
- You saw the picture on his desk.
I did, and judging by
the maple trees in
the background of that picture,
it was taken last fall...
Probably mid October.
The twins are smiling,
each revealing a missing tooth.
The twin on the right...
Let's call her "Twin A."
- That's Cagney.
- Is that relevant?
- It's her name.
- So no.
Twin A is missing
an upper right incisor
while Twin B is missing
a lower left incisor
suggesting that they were seven
when the photo was taken,
which would put them
in second grade.
Spring semester
of second grade is when
the Brooklyn schools
do their solar system unit,
a highlight of which
is constructing
a mobile of the planets.
My hypothesis is that Twin A
and Twin B requested.
Daddy's help making Mars
sparkle, hence the red glitter.
Damn, yeah,
that's exactly right.
Just seems like
a very complicated way
- of saying Terry has kids.
- Thank you.
What?
The point is,
Jeffords is innocent,
so I guess it's fair to say
case open.
My God, I have gooseflesh.
So now I'd like to move on
to a real suspect.
I wanna see detective Diaz
in the box.
What... don't gasp for him.
- What are you doing?
- I'm sorry.
- It just slipped out.
- Title of your sex tape.
Yeah, it's... obviously
it's the title of his sex tape.
Everyone's taking my stuff.
Dillman never talks first
when he's in the box.
Well, Rosa never initiates
conversation of any kind.
Guys, I really
have to get out of here.
Somebody please say something
to get it started.
- No.
- And there it is.
Now that I have the upper hand,
let's get started.
Stupid Terry
and his stupid kids.
You were the only suspect
who did not go out for lunch,
but if you were eating
at your desk,
how did you not see
the perpetrator
plant the glitter bomb?
- I wasn't at my desk.
- I was in the break room.
- Oh, the break room.
- That explains it.
I guess we're done here.
Oh, here it comes...
The Dillman double back.
Just to double back...
- Oh, my.
- He actually said the words.
What a treat.
If you were in the break room,
why was the IP address
of your laptop
logged into the Wi-Fi
on the fifth floor?
Fine.
There's an empty office there
where I go to be alone.
- Seems innocent enough.
- Why would you lie about that?
Maybe because you were up there
assembling a glitter bomb.
- I'm sorry, I didn't...
- I was watching a soap opera.
It's called "Drake's Hollow."
I never miss an episode.
It's my mother's favorite show,
and when things were bad
between us, it was the one thing
- that we could still talk about.
- Oh, that's sweet.
It is kind of sweet.
Sweet enough to fool
a lesser detective.
- What... I wasn't fooled.
- Take her away.
If you really watch
"Drake's Hollow" every day,
you won't mind if I give you
a little quiz.
You see, I've been known
to visit the Hollow myself
from time to time not unlike
Nicholas Van Bronderberg.
Who's the father
of Eliana's twins?
Christian is Jacob's father,
but Joshua was stolen
from the hospital.
His real father remains unknown.
Who did Joshua grow up to marry?
First came Sandra,
then there was Brigitte,
but she turned out
to be his sister.
Katherine died
during childbirth,
though it was later revealed
that she was murdered
by Amanda, Joshua's next wife.
They divorced after Amanda
was sentenced
to the electric chair.
But Joshua rebounded quickly
with Jasmine.
Jasmine was followed by Grace,
the love of his life,
but she had a contract dispute
with the producers
so she was killed
off camera by a snake.
You messed up.
- You forgot Gwendolyn.
- No, I didn't.
Joshua and Gwendolyn were
technically never married
because that whole season took
place inside Kiki's mind...
While she was in a coma.
Diaz is innocent.
So I guess he was wrong
about Rosa.
Don't worry about Dillman.
He's the best detective
I've ever worked with.
Or you just keep talking him up
because you don't want us
to notice how weird it is
that you brought in a friend
to work the case.
We're not friends.
My only friends
are James and Julian.
Hurtful, but I still
think it's strange
that you won't let me
run the investigation...
Unless, of course,
there's something
you're scared I might find.
Excuse me?
- Where were you between.
- 12:20 and 12:55?
You aren't seriously suggesting
that I am the prank man.
It does seem
a little far-fetched, Jake.
I mean, he did just use
the phrase, "prank man."
It's not far-fetched at all.
Holt is not the joyless robot
that he once was.
Is this about the time
I ate a burrito?
I was pressured into it.
Just tell us
where you were at lunch.
Well, if you must know,
I was having lunch with Boyle.
No way.
You two are
the second most unlikely.
Nine-Nine lunch combination.
First is anyone
with Hitchcock and Scully.
Second is Holt and Charles.
It is pretty strange.
I mean, obviously
it was uncomfortable,
but it was a work lunch.
Look, it's not a big deal, guys.
We don't have to talk about it.
I was offering him
the task force position.
Boyle is my choice.
Boyle?
From work?
Oh.
How great for him...
And no one else.
You know what, I just remembered
that I'm late to leave.
Gotta go, bye.
Hey.
I don't understand, Charles.
If Holt already assigned you
to the task force,
why were you helping me
try and get it?
I was planning
on telling Holt no.
What? That's insane.
It's a huge opportunity.
I know, but I've been meaning
to cut back on hours.
I'm working too much.
It's affecting Nikolaj
at school.
He's been making
so many new friends.
Wait, isn't that a good thing?
No, he's trying
to get me jealous.
I did the same thing to my dad.
So, Jake, for real.
I'm not gonna take
the assignment.
Okay, I guess that makes sense.
But just promise me you're not
turning it down because of me.
Jake, I promise.
Okay.
Great, well,
if you're turning it down,
that means there's still
an opportunity for me
to solve the case
and prove to Holt
I belong on the task force.
What task force?
- How long have you been here?
- Just a few seconds.
But that was
more than enough time
for me to ascertain
everything about you...
- As a person, yes, we know.
- No one likes a know-it-all.
You're married to one.
- You're married to one.
- Follow me.
I have an important
announcement to make.
Dillman.
May I have everyone's
attention please?
I have solved the,
"who has done this."
I know by whom it was done.
- It was Jake Peralta.
- What?
That's crazy.
The box was on my desk.
- I'm the victim.
- Wrong.
- Scully's the victim.
- You know,
you think glitter's gonna taste
like sprinkles, but it doesn't.
- It tastes like blood.
- That is blood.
The glitter's
shredding your tongue.
Oh.
Why would I blow up my own desk?
For the task force.
I just heard you say
you wanted to prove to Holt
that you're a great detective.
That's why you set
this whole thing up.
It was a perfect plan,
and you would've gotten away
with it if not for me.
Wow. You're a lunatic.
Would a lunatic know
that your body temperature
just rose 9/10 of a degree
indicating guilt?
- Yes.
- Oh, look.
What do we have here...
A receipt from Party Zone
for one air tank rental
paid in cash.
- That's not mine.
- I never keep my receipts.
Amy, tell them.
Tell them how much
our accountant hates me.
She hates him so much.
My bag was sitting
next to my desk.
Anyone could have
put that in there.
That kind of evidence
would never hold up at trial.
You'd be laughed out of court.
I've only been laughed at
in court once,
and that was because
I made a terrific joke.
I was there. It was hilarious.
Come on.
I guess it's fair to say
case closed.
No. He stole that from me.
Go home.
You're suspended
until further notice.
This is nuts.
I can't believe Holt believes
that ridiculous windbag
and his sack of lies.
Oh, I know everything about
glitter and "Drake's Elbow."
- "Hollow."
- Amy, please.
I just need your support
right now, okay?
Wait a minute,
you believe me, right?
Of course I do. I'm your wife.
I'm on your side no matter what.
Thanks.
- Same, by the way.
- Thanks.
I mean,
no one really suspects me.
- Right.
- Look, go home.
I'll check for prints
on the Party Zone receipt.
Yours won't be there,
but maybe someone else's will.
- Wait a minute.
- Prints... that's it.
- I think I know who framed me.
- Who?
- I can't say yet.
- I wanna be sure.
You wanna do
a big, dramatic reveal
in front of everyone, don't you?
Yes, obviously.
Look, I have to check
on one thing.
- Don't let anybody leave.
- Okay.
Attention, everyone.
Stop what you are doing.
Eh, still a little Nazi.
I'm gonna just drop the accent.
- Peralta, you can't be here.
- You're suspended.
And you're lucky it's not worse.
The DA's office
wanted you fired.
I'm being framed,
and I know who did it.
It was Dillman!
I just met you today.
- Why would I do that?
- Good question.
It's because you want Holt
to put you on that task force.
Dillman can't be
on a New York task force.
The SFPD would never approve it.
Correct, only he's not SFPD.
When you first arrived,
you asked us to check
the fingerprints
against the AFI system,
but that system hasn't
been used in over five years
by any police department.
Well, I used
the AFI system for 20 years.
- I guess I misspoke.
- Oh, misspoke.
I see. That explains everything.
My apologies.
I'm just gonna
head back on out to exile...
Just to double back.
- My God.
- He's double backing Dillman.
How could the best detective
that Holt's ever worked with
make such a mistake?
I wondered myself,
so I made a few phone calls.
It turns out,
Dillman was fired by the SFPD.
I guess he rubbed the brass
the wrong way.
Not only that,
but he's currently working
part time at Yarn Barn,
a hobby shop in Albany.
I have his manager
on the phone right now.
- Frank, what is going on?
- You have a shift tonight.
You know I have finals.
I'm so sorry, Alyssa.
I got hung up in the city.
I just lost track of time.
- This explains everything.
- He's not a great detective.
He's a sad man working part time
selling crafting supplies.
- Okay, fine, yes.
- I was fired by the SFPD.
And yes, I contacted Raymond
in hopes of getting on
that task force.
I thought it would be my way
back onto the NYPD.
Oh, my God.
I hate the Yarn Barn.
Really disappointing
to hear, Frank,
Yeah, well you're
a bad manager, Alyssa, okay?
You play favorites and it hurts
to be on the outside.
- You don't even show up to...
- Okay.
I was gonna bring up
the task force
when I had lunch
with Raymond tomorrow,
but when he called
about this case,
I thought solving it
would seal the deal...
Which would have been easy
since you set
the whole thing up to frame me.
Ridiculous.
Why would I have waited
so long to accuse you?
Because if you
solved it right away,
it would've been too obvious.
He's deflecting
because he's guilty.
Dillman lied about
where he worked.
We can't trust him.
The receipt was
in Peralta's bag.
You're the glitter expert.
Well, you're
the Prankmaster General.
It was him.
It wasn't either of you,
but I know who it was.
Son of a bitch
stole my bullhorn.
Okay, I'm not 100% sure
this is right,
and maybe
I'm missing something...
Charles, as a veteran
of many big reveals,
can I give you a tip?
- Not so much waffling.
- I agree.
You're not commanding the room.
Let him finish... his way.
But do pace it up a bit,
Charles.
Copy that.
So from the beginning,
I was very skeptical
that anyone in our squad
was behind the prank.
- Why didn't you just say that?
- I did, and then you said,
"That's exactly what
a guilty person would say."
Eh, I stand by it.
Okay, so who was the prank man?
There was no prank.
That was just a cover.
You see, guys,
the point of the explosion
was to contaminate the evidence
of the Dekalb Street murder.
But the suspect is in prison,
has no ties to organized crime,
and no means
of bribing an officer.
How could he have possibly
pulled that off?
Yeah, Jake, that stumped me
for a little bit too,
but then something you said
gave me an idea.
I mean, that kind of evidence
would never hold up at trial.
You'd be laughed out of court.
Ah, yeah,
I remember when I said that.
It was awesome.
Wait, but who did it?
The mastermind was ADA Greene.
He didn't have enough evidence
for the case.
He was afraid he was gonna lose
and needed someone
to blame it on.
Whom did he work with...
Obviously someone who knew
about the pranks
and that Amy called Jake "babe."
Excellent question, Captain.
It took a little digging
to find that out,
but I pulled
some personnel files
and combed through
some social media.
Do you know what
Greene's wife's maiden name is?
- Duchovny?
- No.
- Zappa.
- No.
- Fagerbakke.
- No, Booth.
Howard Booth...
As in, Officer Booth.
Oh, yes. Officer Howard.
He's Greene's brother-in-law.
He didn't just put the evidence
on Jake's desk.
- He put the glitter bomb there.
- Oh, my God.
- We have to find Booth.
- Already did it.
And I booked him.
Oh, classic elevator reveal.
This feels like it calls
for an audible gasp.
Not from you, Charles.
From me.
Wait, did you just
gasp at my gasp?
Sorry. Your gasp was so good.
Oh, thank you for gasping
at my gasp.
My pleasure.
Sorry you missed
your daughter's concert.
No, no, it's okay.
Sharon totally understood...
After I lied to her
and said we had to stay late
because Rosa got shot.
Next time you see her,
walk with a limp.
Copy that.
Hey, you know you don't
have to sweep up, right?
Well, someone's gotta.
Plus it reminds me
of the three years I spent
as a cleaning lady in college.
Huh, I guess there really
is no term for cleaning man.
- Mm-mm.
- That's not great.
So hey, listen.
I wanted to say great job today
and also I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
Well, when I heard
you got the task force,
my first reaction was just
to feel sad for myself
instead of happy for you.
Well, you sure hid it well.
I really didn't.
I stormed into the other room
and moped by myself.
Eh, but you had style.
Charles, no. Look.
You have to take
the task force job.
Really? What about Nikolaj?
He's gonna be so proud
of his dad.
I bet he even ditches
those new friends.
Oh, man. That's the dream.
Thank you for saying that.
Honestly, though, I still don't
get why Holt chose me over you.
- Are you kidding?
- I mean, just look at today.
Instead of fighting
for attention,
you did the work and
methodically built your case.
You noticed things that
a room full of seasoned cops
all missed.
You're a great detective,
Charles.
Wow.
Even in defeat,
you are a true prince of a man.
- The task force is yours.
- What? No.
Boyle, just take the win!
- Right.
- It was good to see you today.
I'll keep my ears open for any
job opportunities that arise.
Appreciate it. I could use it.
Just got a text from Alyssa I've
been fired by the Yarn Barn.
Well, you still the best damn
detective I've ever worked with.
Thank you.
Wait a minute.
Your iris just contracted
by 1/10th of a millimeter.
You're lying.
Yes, I've lost a lot
of respect for you today.
Understood.
Goodbye, Raymond.
Well...
Since Dillman is clearly
out of the top spot now,
who's the best detective
you've ever worked with?
It's Sergeant
Leslie Hunt-Minkoff.
Who?
Not a doctor. Shh.
about the new task force
you're on the hiring
committee for.
The Special Tactical
Operations and Auxiliary.
Strategic Response
Citywide Emergency.
Investigative Unit
for Emergency Operations?
You know,
I had a hand in naming it.
And it's great, although you
might wanna try shortening it,
maybe using a cool acronym.
So the.
Hm, you're right. That is cool.
Sure, anyways, I know some
of the best cops in the city
are gonna be on that task force,
and I would appreciate it
if you'd consider me for it.
Here's my résumé.
And I thought it would be fun
if I rapped it.
But then I realized that would
be a terrible idea,
so I just wrote it down
normally.
It'll probably
rhyme a lot on accident.
Try not to focus on that.
"Jake Peralta is age 39,
but professionally,
he's still in his prime..."
"If you ask me,
he's New York's fine... est.
Charles enters."
- Charles, it's not a rap.
- It never was.
Everyone's professional here.
Not the lyrics
we discussed either.
Anyways, sir, I really think
that I deserve this task force.
My clearance rate puts me
in the top 2% of all NYPD det...
I am aware of your
qualifications, Peralta,
but I'm only allowed
to recommend one name
for the.
And you don't think the
acronym's just a little clunky?
Oh, no, it's quite catchy.
Look, I really feel like
I've got what it takes.
I'm experienced,
I'm hardworking,
and I'm unflappable
in the face of...
Oh, my God! What was that?
Scully, are you hurt?
- Is that blood?
- It's glitter.
There was a box on Jake's desk.
I opened it,
and it just exploded.
I can't feel my face.
And, not to be rude,
but is that something
you can normally feel?
Oh, right. I guess I'm fine.
Jeffords, evacuate the precinct.
- I'll contact the bomb squad.
- No, no, no, no, no, wait.
I think this actually
might have been
a prank that malfunctioned.
Look, the box
was connected to a tank
of compressed air
under the desk.
It was supposed to shoot
glitter at whoever opened it,
but something must have clogged
the pressure release valve,
- and the tank exploded.
- Wow.
The silver lining
is no one got hurt.
And the lead lining
is that this prank
caused significant property
damage in the precinct.
Fair point, but we do shatter
a lot of glass around here.
Either it's Rosa
who's disappointed
in her Buzzfeed results...
I am not a Blanche.
Or Charles trying to bro out...
Hut, think fast, dude.
Or just Terry
gently shutting a window
and forgetting how strong he is.
- And look at this.
- Evidence was compromised.
Oh no, the shirt from
the Dekalb Street murder.
That's the only
hard evidence we have.
ADA Green's already mad
we didn't find anything else.
Why is this on your desk,
Peralta?
I logged it out for trial,
but Officer Howard
is the one who got it
from the evidence locker.
Let's blame him.
He's always up to no good.
What? You don't even know me.
- Yes, I do.
- Then what's my last name?
I thought it was Howard.
- It's Booth.
- My name is Howard Booth.
Okay, fine,
but just so you know,
the only thing I'm gonna
remember from this interaction
is that you put me
on the spot, so...
Sir, I know this is important,
but I kinda gotta go.
Cagney and Lacey's
recorder concert's
in an hour
and I promised that I...
No one leaves until the culprit
is brought to justice.
But they're playing
"Uptown Funk."
I wouldn't care if
they were playing actual music.
Whoever did this was obviously
someone Peralta pranked
seeking revenge.
Who are his recent victims?
I'm sorry,
but I'm the Prankmaster General
and I take that role
very seriously.
Look at this. There's a note.
It says, "Gotcha back, babe."
It was Amy.
Who else would call Jake "babe"?
Charles went through
that year-long phase
where he called
everybody "babe."
- Uh-huh.
- I forget.
Did you guys like that?
No.
I still think it was Amy.
Obviously I'm being framed,
probably by whomever
keeps accusing me.
No one's asking
the obvious question.
Why did Scully open a package
on Peralta's desk?
Perhaps he was
setting up the prank,
and it blew up in his face.
No, I just saw a box
and I thought,
"Oh, cookies come in boxes."
I bet it wasn't anyone
in this squad.
That's exactly what
a guilty person would say.
So in order to prove
my innocence,
I just need to start
pointing fingers?
Mm-hmm.
- Fine, it was Amy.
- Really?
Because the "Babe" thing
screams you, Charles.
- Oh, you wanna hear screaming?
- It was Amy!
Somebody confess!
Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
It appears a crime
has been committed,
and no one will confess.
- Doing a German accent?
- I was going for Belgian,
Like in "Murder on
the Orient Express."
You sound like a Nazi.
Okay, not a great note to hear.
I'll just use my normal voice.
The point is a crime
has been committed,
and someone in this room did it.
There are seven suspects
all with means and motive.
It appears what we have
is a classic whodunnit.
The phrase "whodunnit"
is a grammatical abomination.
Please use the proper term,
a "who has done this."
I will not, however,
in order to solve this case,
we need the very finest
of detectives,
one with a unique set
of skills, someone named...
Dillman! I'll call Dillman!
Who?
I hear you need some help
with a "who has done this."
Squad,
meet detective Frank Dillman
of the San Francisco PD.
He is in town,
and we were supposed
to have lunch tomorrow,
but I asked him to come down
because I need an objective
set of eyes on this.
- I can be objective.
- Then tell me.
- How do I look today?
- Normal?
No. Dillman?
- Bloated.
- Thank you.
Dillman is the single
best detective
I have ever worked with.
Sadly, he was unjustly fired
for investigating
corruption in the NYPD.
He hated dirty cops so much
they used to call him Mr. Clean.
Uh-huh, I'm sure
that's the only reason
they called him that.
- Because I'm bald?
- You think that's funny?
I started shaving my head
20 years ago in solidarity
with my mother who was
undergoing chemotherapy.
Oh, look, I'm so sorry...
I'm obviously lying.
It's classic
male pattern baldness.
But now, based on your reaction,
I know every single thing
about you as a person.
- That can't be true.
- It is.
- You're cooked.
- All right, let's get started.
I want written statements
from every witness...
Personnel files
for the entire squad.
Of course, I need to have
this desk dusted for prints,
see if we get a hit
on the AFI system.
Somebody could maybe get rid
of those pigeons.
And, of course, I'll need
to see any surveillance video.
Unfortunately,
this area's a blind spot.
The camera that covers it
broke two weeks ago,
and it hasn't been fixed yet.
Really don't want me
to see that security footage,
do you, Lieutenant?
- Hm, I wonder why.
- I was just stating the facts.
I didn't do anything
to the camera.
I never thought you did,
but now I know
every single thing
about you as a person.
Everyone back off.
Dillman has the scene.
Man, this sucks.
This case would have been
the perfect chance for you
to prove to Holt that you
deserve that task force.
Yeah. Maybe it still is.
Holt thinks Dillman's
the best detective
he's ever worked with,
so what happens
if I solve the case before him?
Then I become the best
detective Holt has ever
worked with, and he has
to give me the task force.
Dillman thinks he knows
everything about me
as a person, but there's
one thing he doesn't know.
I'm about to take him down...
Oh, my God,
he's staring right at us.
Quick, pretend like
I was saying something else.
Yes, Jake, you were young
when you lost your virginity.
Thank you, Charles!
- The DA's office called.
- Greene is furious.
He thinks he may have to drop
all charges in the Dekalb case.
Whoever did this is facing
a massive suspension,
and there's no use hiding
because Dillman
will smoke you out.
Right, but is there any way
he could hurry it up?
So far it's just been a lot
of silent pacing.
Would you ask a heart surgeon
to hurry it up?
I mean, I would if he was
just walking around a room.
Okay, here's what we know.
The glitter bomb was placed
between 12:20 and 12:55.
All the suspects say
they were at lunch
and have an alibi for that time,
which means one of you is lying.
It was Terry.
Thanks for coming by, Dill,
but I got it from here.
You see, Terrence,
I couldn't help but notice
you're not wearing
suspenders today...
Odd, considering suspenders
are your entire personality.
Seems a little reductive.
I had a rough childhood,
but I lifted myself up
through arts and athletics...
- Ah-buh-buh-buhp.
- You're the suspenders guy.
Something felt fishy,
so Jakey went fishing,
and I caught me a fat one.
And look at that...
Terry's suspenders
stuffed into his desk drawer,
and there's glitter on them...
Red glitter.
Feels like that deserved
an audible gasp.
Thank you, Charles.
You got messy
setting up the prank.
You didn't want anyone to see.
You put the suspenders
in your desk drawer.
Case closed.
Did you put that folder there
just so you could close it?
Yes, Rosa, obviously.
I didn't do anything.
Well, if you didn't do anything,
how come the case is closed?
- It's not.
- Hm?
The glitter
on Jeffords' suspenders
is type 9A round red glitter
while the bomb spewed
type 9C round red glitter,
but then I suppose
all round red glitter
looks the same to you.
No. I know the difference.
- One is bigger?
- Shinier.
Ah.
The number refers to the size.
The letter refers
to its reflective qualities.
Seems like you know a weird
amount about glitter, man.
So good detective work
is weird to you?
Interesting squad
you have here, Raymond.
- I didn't choose them.
- They were here when I arrived.
Understood.
The real question is
why Jeffords
had glitter on him at all.
Fortunately, I have the answer.
I deduced that he has
three young daughters...
Twins and a toddler.
- Big deal.
- You saw the picture on his desk.
I did, and judging by
the maple trees in
the background of that picture,
it was taken last fall...
Probably mid October.
The twins are smiling,
each revealing a missing tooth.
The twin on the right...
Let's call her "Twin A."
- That's Cagney.
- Is that relevant?
- It's her name.
- So no.
Twin A is missing
an upper right incisor
while Twin B is missing
a lower left incisor
suggesting that they were seven
when the photo was taken,
which would put them
in second grade.
Spring semester
of second grade is when
the Brooklyn schools
do their solar system unit,
a highlight of which
is constructing
a mobile of the planets.
My hypothesis is that Twin A
and Twin B requested.
Daddy's help making Mars
sparkle, hence the red glitter.
Damn, yeah,
that's exactly right.
Just seems like
a very complicated way
- of saying Terry has kids.
- Thank you.
What?
The point is,
Jeffords is innocent,
so I guess it's fair to say
case open.
My God, I have gooseflesh.
So now I'd like to move on
to a real suspect.
I wanna see detective Diaz
in the box.
What... don't gasp for him.
- What are you doing?
- I'm sorry.
- It just slipped out.
- Title of your sex tape.
Yeah, it's... obviously
it's the title of his sex tape.
Everyone's taking my stuff.
Dillman never talks first
when he's in the box.
Well, Rosa never initiates
conversation of any kind.
Guys, I really
have to get out of here.
Somebody please say something
to get it started.
- No.
- And there it is.
Now that I have the upper hand,
let's get started.
Stupid Terry
and his stupid kids.
You were the only suspect
who did not go out for lunch,
but if you were eating
at your desk,
how did you not see
the perpetrator
plant the glitter bomb?
- I wasn't at my desk.
- I was in the break room.
- Oh, the break room.
- That explains it.
I guess we're done here.
Oh, here it comes...
The Dillman double back.
Just to double back...
- Oh, my.
- He actually said the words.
What a treat.
If you were in the break room,
why was the IP address
of your laptop
logged into the Wi-Fi
on the fifth floor?
Fine.
There's an empty office there
where I go to be alone.
- Seems innocent enough.
- Why would you lie about that?
Maybe because you were up there
assembling a glitter bomb.
- I'm sorry, I didn't...
- I was watching a soap opera.
It's called "Drake's Hollow."
I never miss an episode.
It's my mother's favorite show,
and when things were bad
between us, it was the one thing
- that we could still talk about.
- Oh, that's sweet.
It is kind of sweet.
Sweet enough to fool
a lesser detective.
- What... I wasn't fooled.
- Take her away.
If you really watch
"Drake's Hollow" every day,
you won't mind if I give you
a little quiz.
You see, I've been known
to visit the Hollow myself
from time to time not unlike
Nicholas Van Bronderberg.
Who's the father
of Eliana's twins?
Christian is Jacob's father,
but Joshua was stolen
from the hospital.
His real father remains unknown.
Who did Joshua grow up to marry?
First came Sandra,
then there was Brigitte,
but she turned out
to be his sister.
Katherine died
during childbirth,
though it was later revealed
that she was murdered
by Amanda, Joshua's next wife.
They divorced after Amanda
was sentenced
to the electric chair.
But Joshua rebounded quickly
with Jasmine.
Jasmine was followed by Grace,
the love of his life,
but she had a contract dispute
with the producers
so she was killed
off camera by a snake.
You messed up.
- You forgot Gwendolyn.
- No, I didn't.
Joshua and Gwendolyn were
technically never married
because that whole season took
place inside Kiki's mind...
While she was in a coma.
Diaz is innocent.
So I guess he was wrong
about Rosa.
Don't worry about Dillman.
He's the best detective
I've ever worked with.
Or you just keep talking him up
because you don't want us
to notice how weird it is
that you brought in a friend
to work the case.
We're not friends.
My only friends
are James and Julian.
Hurtful, but I still
think it's strange
that you won't let me
run the investigation...
Unless, of course,
there's something
you're scared I might find.
Excuse me?
- Where were you between.
- 12:20 and 12:55?
You aren't seriously suggesting
that I am the prank man.
It does seem
a little far-fetched, Jake.
I mean, he did just use
the phrase, "prank man."
It's not far-fetched at all.
Holt is not the joyless robot
that he once was.
Is this about the time
I ate a burrito?
I was pressured into it.
Just tell us
where you were at lunch.
Well, if you must know,
I was having lunch with Boyle.
No way.
You two are
the second most unlikely.
Nine-Nine lunch combination.
First is anyone
with Hitchcock and Scully.
Second is Holt and Charles.
It is pretty strange.
I mean, obviously
it was uncomfortable,
but it was a work lunch.
Look, it's not a big deal, guys.
We don't have to talk about it.
I was offering him
the task force position.
Boyle is my choice.
Boyle?
From work?
Oh.
How great for him...
And no one else.
You know what, I just remembered
that I'm late to leave.
Gotta go, bye.
Hey.
I don't understand, Charles.
If Holt already assigned you
to the task force,
why were you helping me
try and get it?
I was planning
on telling Holt no.
What? That's insane.
It's a huge opportunity.
I know, but I've been meaning
to cut back on hours.
I'm working too much.
It's affecting Nikolaj
at school.
He's been making
so many new friends.
Wait, isn't that a good thing?
No, he's trying
to get me jealous.
I did the same thing to my dad.
So, Jake, for real.
I'm not gonna take
the assignment.
Okay, I guess that makes sense.
But just promise me you're not
turning it down because of me.
Jake, I promise.
Okay.
Great, well,
if you're turning it down,
that means there's still
an opportunity for me
to solve the case
and prove to Holt
I belong on the task force.
What task force?
- How long have you been here?
- Just a few seconds.
But that was
more than enough time
for me to ascertain
everything about you...
- As a person, yes, we know.
- No one likes a know-it-all.
You're married to one.
- You're married to one.
- Follow me.
I have an important
announcement to make.
Dillman.
May I have everyone's
attention please?
I have solved the,
"who has done this."
I know by whom it was done.
- It was Jake Peralta.
- What?
That's crazy.
The box was on my desk.
- I'm the victim.
- Wrong.
- Scully's the victim.
- You know,
you think glitter's gonna taste
like sprinkles, but it doesn't.
- It tastes like blood.
- That is blood.
The glitter's
shredding your tongue.
Oh.
Why would I blow up my own desk?
For the task force.
I just heard you say
you wanted to prove to Holt
that you're a great detective.
That's why you set
this whole thing up.
It was a perfect plan,
and you would've gotten away
with it if not for me.
Wow. You're a lunatic.
Would a lunatic know
that your body temperature
just rose 9/10 of a degree
indicating guilt?
- Yes.
- Oh, look.
What do we have here...
A receipt from Party Zone
for one air tank rental
paid in cash.
- That's not mine.
- I never keep my receipts.
Amy, tell them.
Tell them how much
our accountant hates me.
She hates him so much.
My bag was sitting
next to my desk.
Anyone could have
put that in there.
That kind of evidence
would never hold up at trial.
You'd be laughed out of court.
I've only been laughed at
in court once,
and that was because
I made a terrific joke.
I was there. It was hilarious.
Come on.
I guess it's fair to say
case closed.
No. He stole that from me.
Go home.
You're suspended
until further notice.
This is nuts.
I can't believe Holt believes
that ridiculous windbag
and his sack of lies.
Oh, I know everything about
glitter and "Drake's Elbow."
- "Hollow."
- Amy, please.
I just need your support
right now, okay?
Wait a minute,
you believe me, right?
Of course I do. I'm your wife.
I'm on your side no matter what.
Thanks.
- Same, by the way.
- Thanks.
I mean,
no one really suspects me.
- Right.
- Look, go home.
I'll check for prints
on the Party Zone receipt.
Yours won't be there,
but maybe someone else's will.
- Wait a minute.
- Prints... that's it.
- I think I know who framed me.
- Who?
- I can't say yet.
- I wanna be sure.
You wanna do
a big, dramatic reveal
in front of everyone, don't you?
Yes, obviously.
Look, I have to check
on one thing.
- Don't let anybody leave.
- Okay.
Attention, everyone.
Stop what you are doing.
Eh, still a little Nazi.
I'm gonna just drop the accent.
- Peralta, you can't be here.
- You're suspended.
And you're lucky it's not worse.
The DA's office
wanted you fired.
I'm being framed,
and I know who did it.
It was Dillman!
I just met you today.
- Why would I do that?
- Good question.
It's because you want Holt
to put you on that task force.
Dillman can't be
on a New York task force.
The SFPD would never approve it.
Correct, only he's not SFPD.
When you first arrived,
you asked us to check
the fingerprints
against the AFI system,
but that system hasn't
been used in over five years
by any police department.
Well, I used
the AFI system for 20 years.
- I guess I misspoke.
- Oh, misspoke.
I see. That explains everything.
My apologies.
I'm just gonna
head back on out to exile...
Just to double back.
- My God.
- He's double backing Dillman.
How could the best detective
that Holt's ever worked with
make such a mistake?
I wondered myself,
so I made a few phone calls.
It turns out,
Dillman was fired by the SFPD.
I guess he rubbed the brass
the wrong way.
Not only that,
but he's currently working
part time at Yarn Barn,
a hobby shop in Albany.
I have his manager
on the phone right now.
- Frank, what is going on?
- You have a shift tonight.
You know I have finals.
I'm so sorry, Alyssa.
I got hung up in the city.
I just lost track of time.
- This explains everything.
- He's not a great detective.
He's a sad man working part time
selling crafting supplies.
- Okay, fine, yes.
- I was fired by the SFPD.
And yes, I contacted Raymond
in hopes of getting on
that task force.
I thought it would be my way
back onto the NYPD.
Oh, my God.
I hate the Yarn Barn.
Really disappointing
to hear, Frank,
Yeah, well you're
a bad manager, Alyssa, okay?
You play favorites and it hurts
to be on the outside.
- You don't even show up to...
- Okay.
I was gonna bring up
the task force
when I had lunch
with Raymond tomorrow,
but when he called
about this case,
I thought solving it
would seal the deal...
Which would have been easy
since you set
the whole thing up to frame me.
Ridiculous.
Why would I have waited
so long to accuse you?
Because if you
solved it right away,
it would've been too obvious.
He's deflecting
because he's guilty.
Dillman lied about
where he worked.
We can't trust him.
The receipt was
in Peralta's bag.
You're the glitter expert.
Well, you're
the Prankmaster General.
It was him.
It wasn't either of you,
but I know who it was.
Son of a bitch
stole my bullhorn.
Okay, I'm not 100% sure
this is right,
and maybe
I'm missing something...
Charles, as a veteran
of many big reveals,
can I give you a tip?
- Not so much waffling.
- I agree.
You're not commanding the room.
Let him finish... his way.
But do pace it up a bit,
Charles.
Copy that.
So from the beginning,
I was very skeptical
that anyone in our squad
was behind the prank.
- Why didn't you just say that?
- I did, and then you said,
"That's exactly what
a guilty person would say."
Eh, I stand by it.
Okay, so who was the prank man?
There was no prank.
That was just a cover.
You see, guys,
the point of the explosion
was to contaminate the evidence
of the Dekalb Street murder.
But the suspect is in prison,
has no ties to organized crime,
and no means
of bribing an officer.
How could he have possibly
pulled that off?
Yeah, Jake, that stumped me
for a little bit too,
but then something you said
gave me an idea.
I mean, that kind of evidence
would never hold up at trial.
You'd be laughed out of court.
Ah, yeah,
I remember when I said that.
It was awesome.
Wait, but who did it?
The mastermind was ADA Greene.
He didn't have enough evidence
for the case.
He was afraid he was gonna lose
and needed someone
to blame it on.
Whom did he work with...
Obviously someone who knew
about the pranks
and that Amy called Jake "babe."
Excellent question, Captain.
It took a little digging
to find that out,
but I pulled
some personnel files
and combed through
some social media.
Do you know what
Greene's wife's maiden name is?
- Duchovny?
- No.
- Zappa.
- No.
- Fagerbakke.
- No, Booth.
Howard Booth...
As in, Officer Booth.
Oh, yes. Officer Howard.
He's Greene's brother-in-law.
He didn't just put the evidence
on Jake's desk.
- He put the glitter bomb there.
- Oh, my God.
- We have to find Booth.
- Already did it.
And I booked him.
Oh, classic elevator reveal.
This feels like it calls
for an audible gasp.
Not from you, Charles.
From me.
Wait, did you just
gasp at my gasp?
Sorry. Your gasp was so good.
Oh, thank you for gasping
at my gasp.
My pleasure.
Sorry you missed
your daughter's concert.
No, no, it's okay.
Sharon totally understood...
After I lied to her
and said we had to stay late
because Rosa got shot.
Next time you see her,
walk with a limp.
Copy that.
Hey, you know you don't
have to sweep up, right?
Well, someone's gotta.
Plus it reminds me
of the three years I spent
as a cleaning lady in college.
Huh, I guess there really
is no term for cleaning man.
- Mm-mm.
- That's not great.
So hey, listen.
I wanted to say great job today
and also I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
Well, when I heard
you got the task force,
my first reaction was just
to feel sad for myself
instead of happy for you.
Well, you sure hid it well.
I really didn't.
I stormed into the other room
and moped by myself.
Eh, but you had style.
Charles, no. Look.
You have to take
the task force job.
Really? What about Nikolaj?
He's gonna be so proud
of his dad.
I bet he even ditches
those new friends.
Oh, man. That's the dream.
Thank you for saying that.
Honestly, though, I still don't
get why Holt chose me over you.
- Are you kidding?
- I mean, just look at today.
Instead of fighting
for attention,
you did the work and
methodically built your case.
You noticed things that
a room full of seasoned cops
all missed.
You're a great detective,
Charles.
Wow.
Even in defeat,
you are a true prince of a man.
- The task force is yours.
- What? No.
Boyle, just take the win!
- Right.
- It was good to see you today.
I'll keep my ears open for any
job opportunities that arise.
Appreciate it. I could use it.
Just got a text from Alyssa I've
been fired by the Yarn Barn.
Well, you still the best damn
detective I've ever worked with.
Thank you.
Wait a minute.
Your iris just contracted
by 1/10th of a millimeter.
You're lying.
Yes, I've lost a lot
of respect for you today.
Understood.
Goodbye, Raymond.
Well...
Since Dillman is clearly
out of the top spot now,
who's the best detective
you've ever worked with?
It's Sergeant
Leslie Hunt-Minkoff.
Who?
Not a doctor. Shh.