Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 4 - The Jimmy Jab Games II - full transcript
Competitive juices are flowing as Jake and the squad compete in the second Jimmy Jab Games.
- Jake, will you join me
in Terry's office?
- Oh, private rendezvous, huh?
This whole trying
to make a baby thing
has got you super freak...
hey, Terry!
What's up, dude?
- What did you think
was happening?
- He clearly thought
you were gonna
have secret sex in here.
- What?
Inappropes, much?
I did not think that.
Amy did.
She texted me about it.
See? Proof.
Anyway, what's up, Lieutenant?
- Santiago and I
are going to
an administration workshop
for the NYPD.
- And it's voluntary,
so only the cool kids
are gonna be there.
- I love you so much.
Continue.
- Anyways, you're in charge
for the day.
- Oh, boy.
Here comes the lecture.
"Be responsible, Jake. Don't
do anything crazy or fun."
- There's no lecture.
I trust you.
- Well, but there always
used to be a lecture.
- Yeah, well,
you're not the same
immature, rebellious kid
you used to be.
Didn't you and Amy buy
a family-friendly
midsize sedan?
- In a rebellious color...
champagne... which is an alcohol.
And let's not forget,
I wanted to have sex
in your office just now.
- Yeah, to have a baby
and become a father!
- Yeah, he turned it around
on me.
- It's not bad
that I trust you more now.
Plus, there's not even
that much
for you guys to do today.
I mean, the squad is on
reserve parade duty.
Your job is to sit around.
- Good point.
Besides, what's the worst thing
a responsible guy like me
could do?
Buckle your butts, everyone!
The Jimmy Jab Games
are back!
Squad, today we write
a new chapter
in the history
of the Nine-Nine.
And that chapter begins with
the word "Jimmy,"
and ends with the word "Jab."
- That chapter's only
two words long.
- No, there's a lot of words
in between.
It's a long chapter.
The point is,
today we compete against
one another
in a series of games,
and this year's winner
receives one day's
paid vacation,
courtesy of Officer Mark.
- You said you needed that day
for a private matter.
- You know what?
You shouldn't even be here.
Everyone say,
"Thank you, Officer Mark.
Bye, Officer Mark."
all: Thank you, Officer Mark.
Bye, Officer Mark.
- Now, who's ready to compete?
- Count me in.
I could really use this day off
to spend some time
with my husband.
- Oh, please.
We all have loved ones.
You're not getting any sympathy
just because you're gay.
- Rosa, I don't think he was...
- No, I was.
She saw right through me.
Nevertheless,
I will destroy you all.
- Copy that.
I love your intensity.
Now, Gina is gone,
so we're out of a host.
- Me! Please, me.
It's my time to shine.
It's my "Greatest Showman"
moment.
- Charles, you can't.
- You know who else
they told "You can't"?
Lettie Lutz, the bearded lady.
But then,
Mr. Barnum gave her a stage.
Give me my stage, Jacob.
- Wait, so you're
the bearded lady?
- No! I'm Barnum,
you're Zac Efron,
and everyone else
is one of my freaks.
- Look, I would love
to give you the hosting duties
so you can work through
whatever weird fantasy this is,
but we need
at least six players
and the host can't play.
- Then I'll find someone
to replace me.
I promise you will have
your circus, Mr. Barnum.
- I thought you were Barnum.
- No!
I'm the greatest showman!
- Isn't that Barnum?
- Debbie, ah,
just who I was looking for.
- Oh, no. Am I in your seat?
I'll sit on the floor.
- Wh-what? No.
No, don't do that.
No, I was just wondering
if you would like
to take my place
in a little
squad competition today.
- Mm. I can't do competitions.
I'm anti-dexterous.
- Hmm?
- It's when neither hand
is good at anything.
- Oh, Debbie.
I was once like you.
A bashful beat cop
with long, curly hair
and no confidence at all.
- That's impossible.
You're so suave.
- Sure, now I am.
But I came a long way,
and I did it
by challenging myself
to do things
I never thought I could.
This is your chance
to find that confidence.
- I don't know.
- Debbie...
trust me.
- Okay.
But only because
I trust everyone.
- So, Diaz,
I've never been more excited.
My first time
playing the Jimmy Jabs,
and I'm destined to win.
Look at my competition.
Little Miss Hay For Brains.
The Hay Brains,
and King Brain Made of Hay.
- Well, you're forgetting
about me.
I'm also your competition.
- Yes,
but you don't normally
care about games like these.
- Well, I do care
about this game.
And you're gonna lose because
my brains aren't made of hay.
My brains are made of brains.
- Oh, ho.
The perfect retort.
- Gather up,
it's Jimmy Jam time!
- Ooh, are you doing
opening ceremonies?
- Yeah, and you might
wanna leave
before things get too crazy.
A little plausible deniability.
- Actually, I wanna record 'em.
May you can
teach other precincts
how to throw their own versions
to boost morale.
- No, I'm not a teacher.
I'm a class clown/bad boy
with a heart of gold. Whatever.
Charles, just start.
- Ladies and gentlemen.
The moment
you've been waiting for.
- Wow, he went full "Showman."
I present to you six freaks,
who, through a series
of elaborate games,
Will be eliminated one by one
until a champion is crowned.
And that champion shall...
inherit my circus.
- And get a day off.
- I was getting there, Ro-Ro.
Let me have my fun.
- Yeah, Ro-Ro,
let him have his fun.
- As always, we start the games
by lighting the ceremonial
bagel of destiny.
- Ah, it's actually
the baguette of destiny
because this year, we're
throwing caution to the wind.
Charles, flame me.
- ♪ Jimmy Jabs
Jimmy Jabs ♪
♪ Jimmy Jabs
- And with that,
we commence...
my ten minute
opening performance.
- What?
- ♪ The crowd is ready
♪ The freaks are here
- Wow, this is
a really long performance.
Charles pulled off
a costume change.
- I wouldn't say
he pulled it off.
He accidentally got bottomless
in front of all of us.
- Yeah.
- Peralta,
how about we make these games
a little more exciting
with a wager?
- Ooh, interesting.
What'd you have in mind?
- If you win,
I'll do your paperwork
for a year.
- Go on.
- If I win, I get your new car.
You're joking, right?
- Why?
Because you can't imagine
someone bitchin' like me
driving a lame family sedan?
- No, because Jake
would never bet our car.
- Yeah, I would never do that.
But also, it's not lame.
It's the color of an alcohol.
Everyone's talking about it.
- No, Jake,
it's a super lame car.
But I don't mind.
My ex-step-son
kicked me out of the house,
and I need a place to crash
with air conditioning.
- Look, the bet
is not happening.
- Sorry, Amy, but this is
between Jake and me.
Dude, what happened
to the cool guy
that liked to make bets
with his best bud?
- Okay, Hitchcock, drop it.
Jake doesn't do
that kind of thing anymore.
He's an adult now.
- Hitchcock, you're on!
- He is?
- I am?
- I don't know. Yes!
Yes, you are.
- Damn it, my pants.
Sorry, everyone.
Look away, look away.
- Oh, damn.
- Wow, who knew?
He really is
the greatest showman.
- What the hell are you doing?
Why did you just bet
our new car?
- Because it's fun.
And because it's who I am.
I mean, remember
all those crazy bets
we used to make when you were
falling in love with me?
- I remember the bets we made
when I found you obnoxious
and difficult to be around.
- Yes, those bets.
See, you remember.
This is just like that.
- Hey, Santiago,
it's time to head out.
- Actually, I'm not leaving.
I'm gonna stay for the games.
- Ohh, look who's coming
around already.
We're gonna have fun.
- No, this isn't fun.
A voluntary
administration workshop is fun.
- Yeah, I hear it ends
with a six page
self-assessment.
- Oh, come on, Terry!
You don't have to rub it in!
- Welcome to
the first competition.
Which one of you
will meet your maker?
Be sure not to foul out,
or you will meet your end.
- We don't know
what the game is,
so these puns don't work.
- It's a meat throwing
challenge.
All of the expired cold cuts
from the kitchen refrigerator
are under this tarp.
Voila!
You will toss
a meat of your choosing
at the break room window
from ten feet away.
If it sticks to the glass,
well, then you move on.
If it doesn't, then you're a...
- Cold cut?
- Yes, now you're getting it.
Thank you, Rosa.
- Yah!
- Jake sticks it.
Amy sticks it.
Scully sticks it.
Hitchcock sticks it.
Holt old school sticks it.
Ro-Ro sticks it.
Debbie... where's Debbie?
- I can't do this, Charles.
I didn't even grab a meat.
I'm not some expert
cold cut thrower like you.
- Everyone, I need a second
for a freak in trouble.
Debbie, I once stood here
in front of this squad
and felt like I didn't belong.
- But...
- But nothing.
This is your chance
to do something great.
Debbie, this is your moment.
Take it, and stick this meat.
- Is this turkey?
- Yes.
I'm very allergic to turkey.
- Hold her down!
- Ahh!
So Debbie's out.
But she'll be fine,
thanks to her purse
full of EpiPens.
And now, that brings us
to the end of round one,
which mean it is time
for another song.
♪ It was the meet
of the moment ♪
♪ Meat, meat, meat
of the moment ♪
- Yeah, we'll be back in five.
- ♪ Throw, throw, throw it
♪ At the window,
window, window ♪
- So I bet you're wondering
how I did so well
in that last competition.
- Actually, I was impressed
you didn't eat any of the meat.
- Well, I don't deserve
all the credit.
Scully, show 'em
what we're working with.
- This is Dorothy,
my pill box.
- Good God.
- My friend here
has dozens
of medications prescribed
for all of his ailments.
They make him normal.
They make me limitless.
- This blood thinner
can suppress appetite.
This eczema pill can cause
extreme muscle spasms.
- Which is pretty inconvenient,
unless you need to hurl meat
across the room.
- My God. He's doping.
- Welcome to the big leagues.
- Well, looks like things
just got
a little more interesting.
- No, they got worse.
- Amy, it's like Torrance
from "Bring It On" says,
"You'll never be the best
until you win against the best.
- Didn't they lose in the end?
- Yeah, but this is different.
Hitchcock isn't nearly as good
as the East Compton Clovers.
It's like,
where's your head at?
It's gonna be fine.
It might not be fine.
- Diaz, congratulations
on moving on
to the second round,
said I, sarcastically.
- Oh, you're still in this.
I knew a uniformed officer
had been eliminated,
I just couldn't remember
which one.
- Okay, we're both great
at insults. Let's move on.
Tell me, why do you wanna
win this game so badly?
- Honestly...
I guess I still feel like
my parents don't accept
my sexuality.
And winning this
will let me prove to myself
that as long as I feel good
about who I am,
that's all that matters.
- That's a load of dung.
You processed that parent stuff
a year ago.
- You're right, we're going
to drag brunch this Sunday.
- No. There's something private
that is fueling you.
And when I find
that private fuel,
I will extract it
to use as my private fuel
in my private fuel tank.
Then I will have a full tank
of private fuel,
and you will have an empty tank
of private...
Rosa.
- Welcome to K-9 Hide-and-Seek.
You'll be given
five minutes to hide,
during which time
Officer Frisbee
will be learning your scent.
Whoever he finds first is out.
- How'd you get our clothes?
- Doesn't matter.
Now, hide, freaks!
Hide from the society
that shunned you!
- What? Why aren't you hiding?
Are you quitting?
- Oh, no, quite the opposite.
This little guy keeps
Scully's liver from imploding,
but it has a neat side effect.
It also masks your natural odor
and makes you smell
like a dead fish.
- Ew.
- Who's got two stinky thumbs
that stink like rotten salmon?
This stinky guy.
- You suck.
- Ready or not,
here comes my hellhound!
- I'm a mop.
Shh.
- The flattop
has left the big top.
Uh, wait, where's Jake?
- Well, there's a TV cart
suspiciously in the middle
of the room,
that ceiling tile's
out of place,
and he said he was going
to hide somewhere reckless,
so I'm guessing he's up there.
- That's right, Amy.
I'm in the ceiling.
Unlike you boring, old fogies,
I found the craziest...
Don't worry.
My bones and ribs
broke my fall.
- Time for
our next competition,
The Hellevator.
You see, normally, our elevator
can hold up to 12 freaks.
But what if it's filled
with boxes,
and those freaks
are wearing bomb suits?
Well then,
its capacity drops to four.
Oh, but Mr. Barnum,
there are five freaks here.
Whatever shall we do?
That's the twist.
You have to
fight for your spot.
And once those
elevator doors close,
one of you will be out.
Oh, did I mention, you have to
do it all in bomb suits?
- Yes, that was one of
the first things you mentioned.
- Oh, sorry.
I was thinking of my next song.
Anyway, suit up, freaks!
- You're pretty hurt, huh?
- Yeah.
It's very exciting.
I'm the underdog now,
like Seabiscuit.
I mean, sure,
I can't lift my arms,
but Seabiscuit won
without even having arms.
- What are you talking about?
- I don't know. I fell.
We're already married.
It doesn't matter.
- Well, you guys are in
for a beating.
- What, is that some kind
of kidney pill?
- It's to reduce
my various swellings.
- Basically, it's just speed.
- That's illegal, and...
- Ack-ack-ack-ack!
- Okay, here we go, everyone.
The game begins
when the elevator doors ding.
Are you ready
for the Hellevator?
- Buckle up.
The juice is loose!
Here we go, Hitchcock!
- What the?
- Jake, let me in, let me in!
- Amy, I'm not gonna make it!
You just go for the day off.
You've earned it.
- No, we're gonna lose the car!
- Oh, crap! Right, the car.
Oh, no,
we're gonna lose the car!
Hell no, we won't!
She "Armageddon'd" me.
- I don't know
what that means.
- Another love's sacrifice,
and another lover reborn.
These games truly
have it all.
And now, a quick intermission
for one of my legendary
costume changes.
All right, come on, Charles.
Quick change,
no time for touch-ups.
We're running long.
- Ow!
- Oh, Debbie.
Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm just recovering
from the EpiPen.
I'm sorry
I messed everything up.
I'm just not cut out
for this high-stakes world
of having fun with friends.
- First off,
if you think you messed
this up, you're crazy.
Nothing can mess up
the performance
I'm putting on out there.
Secondly, what you did today
was incredible.
- I got disqualified
immediately.
- Did I ever tell you the story
of my Jimmy Jabs humiliation?
- No. You pretty much
never talked to me till today.
- Well, it was 2009,
it was the opening ceremonies
and I couldn't be more excited.
I even got my hair styled
just for the event.
- Charles, flame me.
I was out before the games
even began.
But I wouldn't change
that moment for the world
because it made me realize
that not even flames
can grind me down to dust.
There is a place for us,
for we are glorious.
- You are the bearded lady.
- We are all the bearded lady.
Now ask yourself what have you
always wanted to do,
but were too scared to try?
- Sing.
- What?
- I wanna sing
in front of everyone.
- Okay, little lady,
you get that voice warmed up
because you are doing
the closing ceremonies.
- I can't. I haven't prepared.
I don't even know the song.
- Welcome to show business.
It waits for no one.
You're on in an hour.
- So Diaz, I figured out
why you wanna win.
I hacked your work calendar.
- Those calendars are public.
Everyone on the system
has access.
- I hacked it.
I'm a hacker.
Anyhow, you took a vacation
14 days ago,
and yet, you already
want another day off?
Odd, unless you need it
for a unique,
once-in-a-lifetime occurrence.
Perhaps a proposal
to your girlfriend Jocelyn.
- What?
- You've been dating
for a year, you've met
each other's parents,
and you just got
your nails done
to present her with a ring.
- Jocelyn broke up with me.
- What?
- I want the day off
so I can sit around
and listen to death metal
and get my head right.
- But what about
my nail polish solve?
- Getting my nails done
made me feel better
for a second.
- Ahh!
This is a trick
to throw me off.
I bet things
are better than ever and you...
Oh.
You really are crying.
- Welcome to my most
sadistic creation.
The tangled nightmare
of extension cords
that lives
in our supply closet.
Your mission is to untangle
your lamp's cord, plug it in,
and then pull yourself to it
on your dolly and turn it on.
- Oh, nice. Hitchcock's
coming down from the speed.
I have a chance.
- Freaks, begin!
Jake!
- What is that?
- Grab the top one
and yank the bottom one!
- Oh, thank God
that's what she meant.
Although, I'm open
to whatever you wanna try.
- Diaz, I wanna apologize.
- I'm not talking to you.
Oh, oh, Amy, it worked!
The banging worked!
- What? No!
- Here we go.
- Go.
- Gotcha.
- You're never gonna catch me.
Yes, I did it!
And Hitchcock's gonna lose!
Rosa and Holt
are gonna beat him.
- Rosa, stop. I give up.
I want you to know
I'm sorry for prying.
Win this thing,
and enjoy your day off.
And if you ever want
a friend to sit with you
and silently listen
to death metal,
just know I'm always here.
- Okay. I'd like that.
- Ah, no!
What are you freaks doing?
- We're leaving
the competition.
Some things are more important
than a game.
- No, they're not!
Wait, where are you going?
Don't leave!
We need you to...
Why does the ceiling hate me?
- I don't get it.
Why did you make this bet
in the first place?
- I don't know.
Terry kept saying
all that stuff
about how I matured,
and I got worried
I was becoming a boring adult.
- You are not a boring adult.
- No. I am.
You wanna know why
I really wanted
that year of no paperwork?
It's so if we did get pregnant,
I would have more time
to help with the baby.
- Aww.
- No, save your "aww."
I don't deserve it. I'm just
some boring, responsible guy
that's about to lose our car.
- You're still
pretty irresponsible.
- Aww.
You're just saying that
'cause you're my wife.
- No, I'm not.
Yesterday,
you took the batteries
out of our smoke detector
to put in your
Big Mouth Billy Bass.
- You noticed.
- Yeah.
In a bad way.
- Yeah.
- Now get up,
and win this bet.
You can do this.
- Yeah, you're right.
I can do this.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I maybe can't do this.
- The time has come
for the grand finale,
the obstacle course.
- This is gonna be rough.
Turns out,
taking a ton of random pills
is really bad for you.
Everything hurts.
- Yeah, I'm like
50/50 gonna die.
- On your mark, get set,
dazzle me, freaks!
First, you must make your way
past the barricade hurdles.
After the hurdles,
you must fish a dollar coin
out of our gross,
clogged-up
sink of nightmares.
- Ahh!
- Ew.
- You use that money
to buy a hot dog.
After you eat the entire dog,
you'll return
to the break room,
where you must extract
an olive
from the windpipe
of a Heimlich practice dummy.
- Why are you using your mouth
for everything?
- The winner
will be the first person
to sit in
the Ringmaster's throne.
Uh-oh, surprise twist!
To get to the throne,
you must break through
a breach training door.
- What?
Why are you making this
so hard on me?
- It's all for the show, Jake.
The greatest show on Earth!
- All right, fine.
I can do this.
For my wife.
Ah, it didn't work.
My skeleton feels like
it's made of Skittles.
I can't do it, Amy.
- Yes, you can, okay?
You just need a little energy.
And Debbie's EpiPens
are full of adrenaline.
- Is that a smart thing to do?
- Probably not,
but sometimes it's good
to be a little irresponsible.
- You're gonna make me sick.
- It's better
than losing our car.
- I mean, is it? 'Cause...
I will never die!
- Yeah!
- Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hoo!
- Jake is champion!
Congratulations,
you inherit the circus!
- I did it!
I don't want the circus.
- You like it?
- Not at all.
- You can leave.
- Not a chance.
- The show is over,
lessons were learned,
tears were cried.
Just remember, freaks,
the real freak
is the freak inside.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
Debbie Fogel.
- ♪ And now our games
come to an end ♪
♪ We started as freaks
but now we're friends ♪
♪ And we'll all be friends
forever ♪
♪ Forever
♪ Forever
- Well, that was weird.
- Whoa-ho-ho,
you hear that?
It's the total silence
of people reeling
from the performance
of a lifetime.
How does it feel?
- Incredible.
I've never been that loud.
- That's what most singing is.
And with more practice,
you'll only get louder.
Do you really think
they liked it?
It doesn't matter
what other people think.
What matters
is that you can do anything
you put your mind to,
because in the end,
my bearded lady,
the beard was under you,
the greatest showman.
You're right.
I can do anything.
Anything I put my mind to.
♪ Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yes, oh ♪
- Fremulon.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.
in Terry's office?
- Oh, private rendezvous, huh?
This whole trying
to make a baby thing
has got you super freak...
hey, Terry!
What's up, dude?
- What did you think
was happening?
- He clearly thought
you were gonna
have secret sex in here.
- What?
Inappropes, much?
I did not think that.
Amy did.
She texted me about it.
See? Proof.
Anyway, what's up, Lieutenant?
- Santiago and I
are going to
an administration workshop
for the NYPD.
- And it's voluntary,
so only the cool kids
are gonna be there.
- I love you so much.
Continue.
- Anyways, you're in charge
for the day.
- Oh, boy.
Here comes the lecture.
"Be responsible, Jake. Don't
do anything crazy or fun."
- There's no lecture.
I trust you.
- Well, but there always
used to be a lecture.
- Yeah, well,
you're not the same
immature, rebellious kid
you used to be.
Didn't you and Amy buy
a family-friendly
midsize sedan?
- In a rebellious color...
champagne... which is an alcohol.
And let's not forget,
I wanted to have sex
in your office just now.
- Yeah, to have a baby
and become a father!
- Yeah, he turned it around
on me.
- It's not bad
that I trust you more now.
Plus, there's not even
that much
for you guys to do today.
I mean, the squad is on
reserve parade duty.
Your job is to sit around.
- Good point.
Besides, what's the worst thing
a responsible guy like me
could do?
Buckle your butts, everyone!
The Jimmy Jab Games
are back!
Squad, today we write
a new chapter
in the history
of the Nine-Nine.
And that chapter begins with
the word "Jimmy,"
and ends with the word "Jab."
- That chapter's only
two words long.
- No, there's a lot of words
in between.
It's a long chapter.
The point is,
today we compete against
one another
in a series of games,
and this year's winner
receives one day's
paid vacation,
courtesy of Officer Mark.
- You said you needed that day
for a private matter.
- You know what?
You shouldn't even be here.
Everyone say,
"Thank you, Officer Mark.
Bye, Officer Mark."
all: Thank you, Officer Mark.
Bye, Officer Mark.
- Now, who's ready to compete?
- Count me in.
I could really use this day off
to spend some time
with my husband.
- Oh, please.
We all have loved ones.
You're not getting any sympathy
just because you're gay.
- Rosa, I don't think he was...
- No, I was.
She saw right through me.
Nevertheless,
I will destroy you all.
- Copy that.
I love your intensity.
Now, Gina is gone,
so we're out of a host.
- Me! Please, me.
It's my time to shine.
It's my "Greatest Showman"
moment.
- Charles, you can't.
- You know who else
they told "You can't"?
Lettie Lutz, the bearded lady.
But then,
Mr. Barnum gave her a stage.
Give me my stage, Jacob.
- Wait, so you're
the bearded lady?
- No! I'm Barnum,
you're Zac Efron,
and everyone else
is one of my freaks.
- Look, I would love
to give you the hosting duties
so you can work through
whatever weird fantasy this is,
but we need
at least six players
and the host can't play.
- Then I'll find someone
to replace me.
I promise you will have
your circus, Mr. Barnum.
- I thought you were Barnum.
- No!
I'm the greatest showman!
- Isn't that Barnum?
- Debbie, ah,
just who I was looking for.
- Oh, no. Am I in your seat?
I'll sit on the floor.
- Wh-what? No.
No, don't do that.
No, I was just wondering
if you would like
to take my place
in a little
squad competition today.
- Mm. I can't do competitions.
I'm anti-dexterous.
- Hmm?
- It's when neither hand
is good at anything.
- Oh, Debbie.
I was once like you.
A bashful beat cop
with long, curly hair
and no confidence at all.
- That's impossible.
You're so suave.
- Sure, now I am.
But I came a long way,
and I did it
by challenging myself
to do things
I never thought I could.
This is your chance
to find that confidence.
- I don't know.
- Debbie...
trust me.
- Okay.
But only because
I trust everyone.
- So, Diaz,
I've never been more excited.
My first time
playing the Jimmy Jabs,
and I'm destined to win.
Look at my competition.
Little Miss Hay For Brains.
The Hay Brains,
and King Brain Made of Hay.
- Well, you're forgetting
about me.
I'm also your competition.
- Yes,
but you don't normally
care about games like these.
- Well, I do care
about this game.
And you're gonna lose because
my brains aren't made of hay.
My brains are made of brains.
- Oh, ho.
The perfect retort.
- Gather up,
it's Jimmy Jam time!
- Ooh, are you doing
opening ceremonies?
- Yeah, and you might
wanna leave
before things get too crazy.
A little plausible deniability.
- Actually, I wanna record 'em.
May you can
teach other precincts
how to throw their own versions
to boost morale.
- No, I'm not a teacher.
I'm a class clown/bad boy
with a heart of gold. Whatever.
Charles, just start.
- Ladies and gentlemen.
The moment
you've been waiting for.
- Wow, he went full "Showman."
I present to you six freaks,
who, through a series
of elaborate games,
Will be eliminated one by one
until a champion is crowned.
And that champion shall...
inherit my circus.
- And get a day off.
- I was getting there, Ro-Ro.
Let me have my fun.
- Yeah, Ro-Ro,
let him have his fun.
- As always, we start the games
by lighting the ceremonial
bagel of destiny.
- Ah, it's actually
the baguette of destiny
because this year, we're
throwing caution to the wind.
Charles, flame me.
- ♪ Jimmy Jabs
Jimmy Jabs ♪
♪ Jimmy Jabs
- And with that,
we commence...
my ten minute
opening performance.
- What?
- ♪ The crowd is ready
♪ The freaks are here
- Wow, this is
a really long performance.
Charles pulled off
a costume change.
- I wouldn't say
he pulled it off.
He accidentally got bottomless
in front of all of us.
- Yeah.
- Peralta,
how about we make these games
a little more exciting
with a wager?
- Ooh, interesting.
What'd you have in mind?
- If you win,
I'll do your paperwork
for a year.
- Go on.
- If I win, I get your new car.
You're joking, right?
- Why?
Because you can't imagine
someone bitchin' like me
driving a lame family sedan?
- No, because Jake
would never bet our car.
- Yeah, I would never do that.
But also, it's not lame.
It's the color of an alcohol.
Everyone's talking about it.
- No, Jake,
it's a super lame car.
But I don't mind.
My ex-step-son
kicked me out of the house,
and I need a place to crash
with air conditioning.
- Look, the bet
is not happening.
- Sorry, Amy, but this is
between Jake and me.
Dude, what happened
to the cool guy
that liked to make bets
with his best bud?
- Okay, Hitchcock, drop it.
Jake doesn't do
that kind of thing anymore.
He's an adult now.
- Hitchcock, you're on!
- He is?
- I am?
- I don't know. Yes!
Yes, you are.
- Damn it, my pants.
Sorry, everyone.
Look away, look away.
- Oh, damn.
- Wow, who knew?
He really is
the greatest showman.
- What the hell are you doing?
Why did you just bet
our new car?
- Because it's fun.
And because it's who I am.
I mean, remember
all those crazy bets
we used to make when you were
falling in love with me?
- I remember the bets we made
when I found you obnoxious
and difficult to be around.
- Yes, those bets.
See, you remember.
This is just like that.
- Hey, Santiago,
it's time to head out.
- Actually, I'm not leaving.
I'm gonna stay for the games.
- Ohh, look who's coming
around already.
We're gonna have fun.
- No, this isn't fun.
A voluntary
administration workshop is fun.
- Yeah, I hear it ends
with a six page
self-assessment.
- Oh, come on, Terry!
You don't have to rub it in!
- Welcome to
the first competition.
Which one of you
will meet your maker?
Be sure not to foul out,
or you will meet your end.
- We don't know
what the game is,
so these puns don't work.
- It's a meat throwing
challenge.
All of the expired cold cuts
from the kitchen refrigerator
are under this tarp.
Voila!
You will toss
a meat of your choosing
at the break room window
from ten feet away.
If it sticks to the glass,
well, then you move on.
If it doesn't, then you're a...
- Cold cut?
- Yes, now you're getting it.
Thank you, Rosa.
- Yah!
- Jake sticks it.
Amy sticks it.
Scully sticks it.
Hitchcock sticks it.
Holt old school sticks it.
Ro-Ro sticks it.
Debbie... where's Debbie?
- I can't do this, Charles.
I didn't even grab a meat.
I'm not some expert
cold cut thrower like you.
- Everyone, I need a second
for a freak in trouble.
Debbie, I once stood here
in front of this squad
and felt like I didn't belong.
- But...
- But nothing.
This is your chance
to do something great.
Debbie, this is your moment.
Take it, and stick this meat.
- Is this turkey?
- Yes.
I'm very allergic to turkey.
- Hold her down!
- Ahh!
So Debbie's out.
But she'll be fine,
thanks to her purse
full of EpiPens.
And now, that brings us
to the end of round one,
which mean it is time
for another song.
♪ It was the meet
of the moment ♪
♪ Meat, meat, meat
of the moment ♪
- Yeah, we'll be back in five.
- ♪ Throw, throw, throw it
♪ At the window,
window, window ♪
- So I bet you're wondering
how I did so well
in that last competition.
- Actually, I was impressed
you didn't eat any of the meat.
- Well, I don't deserve
all the credit.
Scully, show 'em
what we're working with.
- This is Dorothy,
my pill box.
- Good God.
- My friend here
has dozens
of medications prescribed
for all of his ailments.
They make him normal.
They make me limitless.
- This blood thinner
can suppress appetite.
This eczema pill can cause
extreme muscle spasms.
- Which is pretty inconvenient,
unless you need to hurl meat
across the room.
- My God. He's doping.
- Welcome to the big leagues.
- Well, looks like things
just got
a little more interesting.
- No, they got worse.
- Amy, it's like Torrance
from "Bring It On" says,
"You'll never be the best
until you win against the best.
- Didn't they lose in the end?
- Yeah, but this is different.
Hitchcock isn't nearly as good
as the East Compton Clovers.
It's like,
where's your head at?
It's gonna be fine.
It might not be fine.
- Diaz, congratulations
on moving on
to the second round,
said I, sarcastically.
- Oh, you're still in this.
I knew a uniformed officer
had been eliminated,
I just couldn't remember
which one.
- Okay, we're both great
at insults. Let's move on.
Tell me, why do you wanna
win this game so badly?
- Honestly...
I guess I still feel like
my parents don't accept
my sexuality.
And winning this
will let me prove to myself
that as long as I feel good
about who I am,
that's all that matters.
- That's a load of dung.
You processed that parent stuff
a year ago.
- You're right, we're going
to drag brunch this Sunday.
- No. There's something private
that is fueling you.
And when I find
that private fuel,
I will extract it
to use as my private fuel
in my private fuel tank.
Then I will have a full tank
of private fuel,
and you will have an empty tank
of private...
Rosa.
- Welcome to K-9 Hide-and-Seek.
You'll be given
five minutes to hide,
during which time
Officer Frisbee
will be learning your scent.
Whoever he finds first is out.
- How'd you get our clothes?
- Doesn't matter.
Now, hide, freaks!
Hide from the society
that shunned you!
- What? Why aren't you hiding?
Are you quitting?
- Oh, no, quite the opposite.
This little guy keeps
Scully's liver from imploding,
but it has a neat side effect.
It also masks your natural odor
and makes you smell
like a dead fish.
- Ew.
- Who's got two stinky thumbs
that stink like rotten salmon?
This stinky guy.
- You suck.
- Ready or not,
here comes my hellhound!
- I'm a mop.
Shh.
- The flattop
has left the big top.
Uh, wait, where's Jake?
- Well, there's a TV cart
suspiciously in the middle
of the room,
that ceiling tile's
out of place,
and he said he was going
to hide somewhere reckless,
so I'm guessing he's up there.
- That's right, Amy.
I'm in the ceiling.
Unlike you boring, old fogies,
I found the craziest...
Don't worry.
My bones and ribs
broke my fall.
- Time for
our next competition,
The Hellevator.
You see, normally, our elevator
can hold up to 12 freaks.
But what if it's filled
with boxes,
and those freaks
are wearing bomb suits?
Well then,
its capacity drops to four.
Oh, but Mr. Barnum,
there are five freaks here.
Whatever shall we do?
That's the twist.
You have to
fight for your spot.
And once those
elevator doors close,
one of you will be out.
Oh, did I mention, you have to
do it all in bomb suits?
- Yes, that was one of
the first things you mentioned.
- Oh, sorry.
I was thinking of my next song.
Anyway, suit up, freaks!
- You're pretty hurt, huh?
- Yeah.
It's very exciting.
I'm the underdog now,
like Seabiscuit.
I mean, sure,
I can't lift my arms,
but Seabiscuit won
without even having arms.
- What are you talking about?
- I don't know. I fell.
We're already married.
It doesn't matter.
- Well, you guys are in
for a beating.
- What, is that some kind
of kidney pill?
- It's to reduce
my various swellings.
- Basically, it's just speed.
- That's illegal, and...
- Ack-ack-ack-ack!
- Okay, here we go, everyone.
The game begins
when the elevator doors ding.
Are you ready
for the Hellevator?
- Buckle up.
The juice is loose!
Here we go, Hitchcock!
- What the?
- Jake, let me in, let me in!
- Amy, I'm not gonna make it!
You just go for the day off.
You've earned it.
- No, we're gonna lose the car!
- Oh, crap! Right, the car.
Oh, no,
we're gonna lose the car!
Hell no, we won't!
She "Armageddon'd" me.
- I don't know
what that means.
- Another love's sacrifice,
and another lover reborn.
These games truly
have it all.
And now, a quick intermission
for one of my legendary
costume changes.
All right, come on, Charles.
Quick change,
no time for touch-ups.
We're running long.
- Ow!
- Oh, Debbie.
Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm just recovering
from the EpiPen.
I'm sorry
I messed everything up.
I'm just not cut out
for this high-stakes world
of having fun with friends.
- First off,
if you think you messed
this up, you're crazy.
Nothing can mess up
the performance
I'm putting on out there.
Secondly, what you did today
was incredible.
- I got disqualified
immediately.
- Did I ever tell you the story
of my Jimmy Jabs humiliation?
- No. You pretty much
never talked to me till today.
- Well, it was 2009,
it was the opening ceremonies
and I couldn't be more excited.
I even got my hair styled
just for the event.
- Charles, flame me.
I was out before the games
even began.
But I wouldn't change
that moment for the world
because it made me realize
that not even flames
can grind me down to dust.
There is a place for us,
for we are glorious.
- You are the bearded lady.
- We are all the bearded lady.
Now ask yourself what have you
always wanted to do,
but were too scared to try?
- Sing.
- What?
- I wanna sing
in front of everyone.
- Okay, little lady,
you get that voice warmed up
because you are doing
the closing ceremonies.
- I can't. I haven't prepared.
I don't even know the song.
- Welcome to show business.
It waits for no one.
You're on in an hour.
- So Diaz, I figured out
why you wanna win.
I hacked your work calendar.
- Those calendars are public.
Everyone on the system
has access.
- I hacked it.
I'm a hacker.
Anyhow, you took a vacation
14 days ago,
and yet, you already
want another day off?
Odd, unless you need it
for a unique,
once-in-a-lifetime occurrence.
Perhaps a proposal
to your girlfriend Jocelyn.
- What?
- You've been dating
for a year, you've met
each other's parents,
and you just got
your nails done
to present her with a ring.
- Jocelyn broke up with me.
- What?
- I want the day off
so I can sit around
and listen to death metal
and get my head right.
- But what about
my nail polish solve?
- Getting my nails done
made me feel better
for a second.
- Ahh!
This is a trick
to throw me off.
I bet things
are better than ever and you...
Oh.
You really are crying.
- Welcome to my most
sadistic creation.
The tangled nightmare
of extension cords
that lives
in our supply closet.
Your mission is to untangle
your lamp's cord, plug it in,
and then pull yourself to it
on your dolly and turn it on.
- Oh, nice. Hitchcock's
coming down from the speed.
I have a chance.
- Freaks, begin!
Jake!
- What is that?
- Grab the top one
and yank the bottom one!
- Oh, thank God
that's what she meant.
Although, I'm open
to whatever you wanna try.
- Diaz, I wanna apologize.
- I'm not talking to you.
Oh, oh, Amy, it worked!
The banging worked!
- What? No!
- Here we go.
- Go.
- Gotcha.
- You're never gonna catch me.
Yes, I did it!
And Hitchcock's gonna lose!
Rosa and Holt
are gonna beat him.
- Rosa, stop. I give up.
I want you to know
I'm sorry for prying.
Win this thing,
and enjoy your day off.
And if you ever want
a friend to sit with you
and silently listen
to death metal,
just know I'm always here.
- Okay. I'd like that.
- Ah, no!
What are you freaks doing?
- We're leaving
the competition.
Some things are more important
than a game.
- No, they're not!
Wait, where are you going?
Don't leave!
We need you to...
Why does the ceiling hate me?
- I don't get it.
Why did you make this bet
in the first place?
- I don't know.
Terry kept saying
all that stuff
about how I matured,
and I got worried
I was becoming a boring adult.
- You are not a boring adult.
- No. I am.
You wanna know why
I really wanted
that year of no paperwork?
It's so if we did get pregnant,
I would have more time
to help with the baby.
- Aww.
- No, save your "aww."
I don't deserve it. I'm just
some boring, responsible guy
that's about to lose our car.
- You're still
pretty irresponsible.
- Aww.
You're just saying that
'cause you're my wife.
- No, I'm not.
Yesterday,
you took the batteries
out of our smoke detector
to put in your
Big Mouth Billy Bass.
- You noticed.
- Yeah.
In a bad way.
- Yeah.
- Now get up,
and win this bet.
You can do this.
- Yeah, you're right.
I can do this.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I maybe can't do this.
- The time has come
for the grand finale,
the obstacle course.
- This is gonna be rough.
Turns out,
taking a ton of random pills
is really bad for you.
Everything hurts.
- Yeah, I'm like
50/50 gonna die.
- On your mark, get set,
dazzle me, freaks!
First, you must make your way
past the barricade hurdles.
After the hurdles,
you must fish a dollar coin
out of our gross,
clogged-up
sink of nightmares.
- Ahh!
- Ew.
- You use that money
to buy a hot dog.
After you eat the entire dog,
you'll return
to the break room,
where you must extract
an olive
from the windpipe
of a Heimlich practice dummy.
- Why are you using your mouth
for everything?
- The winner
will be the first person
to sit in
the Ringmaster's throne.
Uh-oh, surprise twist!
To get to the throne,
you must break through
a breach training door.
- What?
Why are you making this
so hard on me?
- It's all for the show, Jake.
The greatest show on Earth!
- All right, fine.
I can do this.
For my wife.
Ah, it didn't work.
My skeleton feels like
it's made of Skittles.
I can't do it, Amy.
- Yes, you can, okay?
You just need a little energy.
And Debbie's EpiPens
are full of adrenaline.
- Is that a smart thing to do?
- Probably not,
but sometimes it's good
to be a little irresponsible.
- You're gonna make me sick.
- It's better
than losing our car.
- I mean, is it? 'Cause...
I will never die!
- Yeah!
- Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hoo!
- Jake is champion!
Congratulations,
you inherit the circus!
- I did it!
I don't want the circus.
- You like it?
- Not at all.
- You can leave.
- Not a chance.
- The show is over,
lessons were learned,
tears were cried.
Just remember, freaks,
the real freak
is the freak inside.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
Debbie Fogel.
- ♪ And now our games
come to an end ♪
♪ We started as freaks
but now we're friends ♪
♪ And we'll all be friends
forever ♪
♪ Forever
♪ Forever
- Well, that was weird.
- Whoa-ho-ho,
you hear that?
It's the total silence
of people reeling
from the performance
of a lifetime.
How does it feel?
- Incredible.
I've never been that loud.
- That's what most singing is.
And with more practice,
you'll only get louder.
Do you really think
they liked it?
It doesn't matter
what other people think.
What matters
is that you can do anything
you put your mind to,
because in the end,
my bearded lady,
the beard was under you,
the greatest showman.
You're right.
I can do anything.
Anything I put my mind to.
♪ Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yes, oh ♪
- Fremulon.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.