Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 5 - Debbie - full transcript

- Oh, hey, Jake.

What's... what's the deal
with the office today?

It... it feels crazy.

- Somebody stole
20 bricks of coke

and some machine guns
from evidence.

- What? It's the first
I'm hearing of it.

- Yeah, well,
you just got here, right?

- Right. I need you to find
whoever did this

and kill them...

till they're dead.

Bonkers morning, huh?
So, any idea who did it?



- No, but whoever it was

had an intimate knowledge
of our security systems.

It was obviously
an inside job.

- I bet it was Brian.
- Why do you say that?

- Because... he once said
he has a hot tub.

You know how that crowd is.

- I didn't know
Brian had a hot tub.

That does sound bad.
- Yeah.

- But we have to let the
investigation run its course.

Right now,
everyone's a suspect.

- Except for
Hitchcock and Scully.

Whoever did it took the stairs.
- What'll happen

to the person, you know,
if you find them?

- Well, they've committed
several felonies.



Probably looking at, uh,
30-to-life.

- So that person
could miss 15 Olympics.

Cool.

I have to go.

They know
the drugs are missing.

They don't suspect me because
I'm playing it super cool.

Now, when is the handoff?

Yes, I'm alone
in the ladies' room.

No one can hear me.

- Okay, so I know something,

but you can't ask
how I know it.

- Debbie...
- It's Debbie.

- Took the coke and the guns.
- Debbie, right?

- Yeah. We know it's Debbie.
- Acting super suspicious.

- Debbie, can I see you
in my office?

- Yeah, sure.
What's this about?

- We'll talk in my office.
- It'll just take a minute.

- Oh. Heh. Wow.

This morning's
full of surprises, huh?

First, that stolen cocaine
that Hot Tub Brian took,

now this unrelated thing
following me.

Ha... you know what?

I think I'm gonna
go make a sandwich

I just... I love sandwiches.

I'll meet you in there.

Guilty of loving sandwiches,
right?

Debbie.

- Mmm, what do I want
in my sandwich?

Let's see.
Definitely ham, cheese,

baking soda for sure,

French vanilla creamer,
ooh, orange chicken.

Ah!
- Debbie!

Ooh!

- You really thought
you'd get away with it?

- Damn, Scully!
- I was planning on eating

that orange chicken later!

- Is that why
you took her down?

Do you even know about
the missing cocaine?

- Cocaine?
- So we don't know

where Debbie has hidden
the drugs.

We searched her car,
her apartment...

we even tried
the location data on her phone,

but she was smart,
she had it turned off.

- Or her battery died.

According to
her Screen Time app,

she plays five hours a day
of a game

called "Cool Girl in School."

- I love "CGIS."

I just made captain
of the color guard.

Junior year's looking up.

- The coke Debbie took

was evidence
against Silvio Nucci.

Now, he wanted it gone,

and I think he got Debbie
to do his dirty work.

- I'm sorry,
you think Debbie is working

with notorious crime boss
Silvio Nucci?

The same Debbie who has
a denim jacket

that says "Rock 'n Roll"?
- It was her.

I heard her setting up a drop.

- And why were you
in the women's room?

- It wasn't for a gross reason.

The men's room was occupied,
and I had to dump out.

- Well, as long as
it wasn't for a gross reason.

- We know you did it, Debbie.

Just tell me the truth.
Let me be your friend here.

- Thank you, but I already have
plenty of friends.

Gil, Finn, Goldie, Bubbles...

- Those are clearly just
the names of your pet fish.

- Okay, fine.

They're my fish.

And I took the drugs.

I'm sorry.
I screwed everything up.

- Okay, this is good.

Now just tell me
why you did it.

- Because I need my drugs.

I'm a big time drug girl.

- Debbie, I don't think
that's true.

I think Silvio Nucci
forced you to do this

against your will.
- Nucci?

What?

- She sat there and laughed
for 40 minutes.

- She's never gonna
turn on Nucci.

I'll bet she's heard stories

of what he does to people
who testify against him.

- Man, I wish there
was something we could do

to help her.
- Why?

- Well, I know
she committed a crime,

but she's clearly
in over her head.

I don't think she's actually
a bad person.

- She's a grown-up
who made her own decisions,

and now she has to suffer
the consequences.

- You might not get it,
but personally,

I relate to someone
who made a mistake

and can't find their way
out of it.

When I was younger,
I was thoroughly hoodwinked

by the so-called good people
at Columbia CD Club.

Next thing you know,
I had 16 copies

of Blind Melon's first album.

- In high school,
I broke into a bunch of houses

and wound up in juvie.
- What? That's terrible.

- I mean, yeah,
Rosa's is a little worse.

- I was in ballet school,
and there was so much pressure

to be perfect all the time
that I just snapped.

If I hadn't been underage,
I would've gone to prison.

It's all the more reason
you should

have sympathy for Debbie
and understand

why she could use our help.
- Nobody helped me.

My parents kicked me
out of the house

and told me I was on my own.
- I'm so sorry

you had to go through
all that alone, Rosa.

- No, it was a good thing.

I had to face my mistakes
and fix them by myself.

It made me a stronger person.
So, no, I don't think

we should take pity on Debbie.
- Okay, fine.

But even so,
wouldn't you rather take down

Silvio Nucci,
a known crime boss,

instead of Debbie Fogle,

a rewards member
at JOANN Fabrics?

- Yeah, but Debbie's not gonna
testify against Nucci.

- You may be right.
And that's why...

we're gonna catch him
in the act.

Brace yourselves, everyone.

We're about to pop that Nucci.

Apologies, that was
inappropriate in the workplace.

But in my defense, that was
a song that I learned about

from Columbia House, Rosa.

Mm.
All right, here's the plan.

- Why are we going this way?
The bathroom's back there.

- I'm breaking you out.
I work for Silvio Nucci.

- Oh, my God.
You work for Nucci? Me too!

- Way too loud, Debbie.

Okay. Press yourself
against the wall

to avoid being seen
by the camera.

- Why didn't she do it
with her back to the wall?

Face first seems like
such a mistake.

- Oh, no, they found us!
- No, no, no, Debbie.

Rosa's on Nucci's payroll, too.

She's getting us out of here.
- Oh.

- Debbie. Trunk. Now.

- Sorry, it's a little tight
in there.

- Oh, I'm not picky.

I don't need light or oxygen.

I'm kind of like
a low-maintenance plant.

Ooh, like a succulent.
- That's great, Debbie.

- My mom always said that...
- But the trunk is closing

on its own, it's definitely
not me slamming it.

- So you guys
are gonna stay here with me?

- Nucci thought we could
help you guard the coke.

- Oh, I can handle it.

I'm pretty tough.

I take self-defense
at the women's gym.

Hi-ya! Hi-ya!

- Oh, neat. You actually
say the words "hi-ya,"

like Miss Piggy.

- So when's Nucci coming
to pick up the coke?

- Uh, could be hours,
could be days.

- Days?
- I don't know.

Nucci just said
to wait by this burner phone.

He said he always works
like that.

- Right, of course.

We have so many inside jokes
about it.

- I can imagine.
He is pretty funny.

He's always like,
"Debbie, if you mess this up,

I'm gonna gut you like a fish."

What?

- So he threatened you.

That's why you went dirty.
- No.

He offered me
a million dollars.

I had no choice.

My dad is really sick,
and he needed

this expensive
experimental surgery.

- Ahh.
- What about you guys?

How did he turn you?
- Well, I've been dirty

long before Nucci
came onto the scene.

I do a ton of coke.

They call me Mr. Springtime

because of how fast
I make the snow disappear.

- Wow.
I've never even had a nickname.

I mean, I guess people
do call me, "Hey, lady."

- Right, well, I'm gonna
let the Nine-Nine know

we're looking for you,
you know,

so those idiots don't think
we broke you out.

- Ooh, you think
they're idiots?

- Oh, yeah, big time.

I mean, Holt's a blowhard,

Jeffords is all brawn,
no brains

Boyle's a laughing stock,
Amy's just the worst.

I mean, she thinks
she so smart and so pretty

and she makes me feel good
about the world

and my place in it, and she...

- Smells like.
We've all smelled her.

Rosa, let's go outside.

Hey, you know that was
Undercover Jake

talking in there, right?
- Relax, man.

- So you're not gonna tell Amy
what I said.

- Oh, no, I definitely am.
I'm saying relax because

there's no way you can stop me.
- Damn it.

Well, did you at least
text the Nine-Nine

and tell 'em we don't know
when the handoff is?

- Yeah, but man,
I don't like this.

We found the drugs. We should
just forget about Nucci

and take Debbie in.
- What?

Nucci is
the real bad guy, here.

And you heard Debbie,
she's only doing this

to get the money
for her dad's surgery.

- There are other ways
to get money.

She could've gone to a bank.
- Right. And she's white.

She definitely would've
gotten approved.

Terrific point.
- That's not what I was saying.

- Ah, we were both
thinking it.

Anyways, it doesn't matter.

Our plan is working.
What are you worried about?

- There's a loose cannon
in there with two machine guns.

- She's not a loose cannon.

I saw her apologize to a chair
after bumping into it.

Trust me, we are not gonna have
any problems with Debbie.

- Hey, Jake, guess what?
You made cocaine sound so cool,

I decided to try it.

But I didn't wanna overdo it,

so I only did, like,
a tiny, little toot.

Then I didn't feel anything,

so I did, like,
a little bit more,

and I still didn't
feel anything,

so then I did a lot more,
and then I felt it.

Like, I really felt it.

So then I did a couple more,
like, big ass toots.

Why do you guys
keep ducking behind the bed?

- 'Cause you keep
pointing those guns at us.

- Oh, my God.
Do not worry about it.

It's only fine.

- We need to find out
how Nucci got to Debbie.

Fortunately, it turns out

she kept
a fairly comprehensive diary.

- As a power journaler,
I think we can hold off

on using the word
"comprehensive."

Oh, damn, that's comprehensive.

- These are all
just from this year?

- This one is labeled
August 21st.

- "Morning." This one
is August 21st "Evening."

- This entire diary is about
an episode of "House Hunters."

- This is gonna take forever.

- I actually took
a speed reading course.

I tested at 800 WPM.

- That's pathetic.
I tested at 802.

- That's pretty close
to Holt's score.

- No, no, 802's incredible.

She pwned me.

I read the entire
Urban Dictionary

So I could converse with
the other uniformed officers.

Finished I in 47 minutes.

- I've never been so attracted
to a gay man before,

and I dated several in college.

- Shall we have a read-off,
Santiago?

- We don't have finger guards.
- So we do it raw.

- Okay,
I normally don't encourage

such childish competitions,

but this might help
things go faster.

My only question is Holt,

are you sure your old ass eyes
are up to the challenge?

- I know you're just trying
to motivate me,

but these old ass eyes

will be reading your tombstone,
son.

- Oh, I needed more light
in this place.

Now I can finally think,

and the ideas are, like,
flowing out of me.

Okay, what about this one?
It's hamburgers,

but the pickles are coins.

- Still feel bad for her
now that she's a cokehead?

- She's not a cokehead.
She's an innocent girl

in a stressful situation
who did cocaine one time

and will probably
never do it again.

- Whoo!
Guess who just did more coke?

This is my thing now.

Ooh! Okay.

- Is it Nucci?
- Yes.

He wants to know if I can
do the handoff in two hours.

Um, I'm gonna tell him no

because I'm having so much fun
with my new best friends,

Jake and Rosa.
- Ah, no, no, no.

Don't mention us.
You know, because

you're supposed to be working,
not enjoying yourself.

Right, just keep it short.
Say two hours is great.

- That's very smart,
and I'm gonna send him

my favorite GIF
of Mr. Bean giving a thumbs up.

Oh, Mr. Bean.
What a stud.

Hey Rosa, what would you do

if you could do anything
to Mr. Bean?

- Nothing.
- Come on, Rosa.

Don't be shy.
Say what you would do

to international sex symbol
Mr. Bean's body.

- Fine. I would take
a very large glass...

Let himself out.

- I see.
- Wow.

Um, I just have
one quick note.

Mr. Bean never...

Beg for mercy.
- Ah, great note, Debbie.

The point is we all think
Mr. Bean is sexy as hell

and wish we looked
exactly like him.

- You're closer than you think.
- Hm?

- Oh, hey, Rosa,
it's not that

you're a third wheel
or anything,

it's just that
we're out of ice,

so could you go get us
some more ice, please?

- Hey, well,
this is full of ice, but yeah.

I'll hit up the Nine-Nine.
- You've actually been

texting the Nine-Nine a lot,
haven't you?

- Yeah, to make sure
our cover's intact,

and so they don't figure out
that we're dirty.

- Is that what's
really going on?

'Cause I feel like
there's something

you're not telling me.
- I feel like

all that coke
is making you paranoid.

- No, you're paranoid.

Now, don't you dare
take another step.

- Okay, Debbie,
what are you doing?

- Give me your phone.
- That's it.

Debbie Fogle,
you are under arrest.

- What? Oh, my God.

Are you not really dirty?
- Ah...

- No. And I'll be
taking that gun.

Hi-ya!

- Okay so the women's gym
and the cocaine

have given Debbie super powers.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

- You're making a big mistake,
Debbie.

This isn't gonna work.

- I'm such a terrible
judge of character.

I was wrong about Rosa,

I missed all the signs
with my cousin Jared.

- The sandwich guy.
- What is wrong with me?

- Nothing,
you're just coming down

from the many handfuls of coke
you did.

- Right. I'm so dumb.
I'm such an idiot.

I'm dumb!
I'm dumb!

- Ah, hey, why don't you let me
hold your gun for you,

and then you can hit yourself
in the face with your fist

like a normal person
having a mental breakdown.

- I can't give you my gun.

You'll probably try
and arrest me.

- Debbie, I'm not like Rosa.

Here, check my phone.

I haven't been texting
the Nine-Nine.

I have nothing to hide.

- I don't know, there are
a lot of sweet messages

between you and Amy.

I thought you said
she stinks like.

- She does.
- Prove it.

Describe her stink to me.

Don't think about it,
just say it.

- Bad mayo, three-day-old
macaroni salad.

- Okay. I buy it.
I trust you.

- Why'd you do that?
- Rosa probably

told the Nine-Nine
that you're corrupt

and they could use your phone
to track us

to the new drop site.
- Oh.

Right. Smart.

Hey, should I drive?
You know, that way,

you can take a nap and get
the coke out of your system.

And we'll both be calm and...

and you just did a bunch more.
- I did!

I'm the King of New York!
I'm driving! Whoo!

- So how's it going?
- What do you want, Terry?

Or are you just here
to fan some more flames?

- No, I'm just here
to see who's losing

and therefore has to
wear this hat I made

that says, "More Stupider."

Fine, yeah,
I'm fanning flames.

Fan, fan, fan, fan, fan,
Santiago.

- Don't call her Santiago,
call her Virginia Slim.

Because I'm smoking her.
- Damn, Ray!

- You guys are moving fast,
but there's no way

you're actually
comprehending anything.

I'm taking my time
and reading deliberately,

and you know what they say,
slow and steady wins the race.

- Psh, classic reg-reader
bullcrap.

- Yeah, what are you
gonna say next,

that you read to relax?

- This is so much better

than that dump
of a hotel, right?

This place
has six chimneys.

- Uh, hey, Debbie,
whose house is this?

- Oh, it's mine.
I own it, um,

until 11:00 a.m. on Monday.

We have to be out by then,

or it's another $45,000
to Airbnb.

But until then,
I'm a mansion girl.

- What happened
to using the money

for your father's surgery?

Was that a lie?
- No. My dad really is sick,

but I found out this morning
that my stupid brother Derek

already paid for his surgery.

He thinks he so great
'cause he's, like,

a big shot lawyer,
and he has a family,

and he's not afraid of ghosts.

Well, guess what?
I get to keep the cash now.

So take that, Derek,
and, you know, put it.

- Little pitchy.
- Still think

Debbie's a good person?
- Not gonna lie,

the whole dad reveal
did not help my case.

All right, I'm gonna
use her burner phone

to call the Nine-Nine.

- Look what I found.
Do you like it, Jake?

- Uh, yes! I love it.

Real Cruella de Vil vibes.

- No, no, no.
I'm not Cruella de Vil.

I would never hurt dogs.

I'm Perdita!
- Who?

- The romantic lead
of the film.

Pongo's wife.

The girl dog.
- Yes, yes!

Of course,
you look exactly like Perdita.

- Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.

- Hey Debbie?
- Hm?

- Will you hand me your phone

so I can take your picture
and you can Gram this?

I mean, the house, this coat,

you're gonna wanna
show this off to people, right?

- That is such a good idea.

I do wanna show off to people.

I just have to
make a quick call.

Hi, Mom.
Do you like my mansion?

- Deborah Lyn,
why are you holding a gun?

- Oh, my God, Mom!
I'm wearing a fur coat

and that's what you focus on?

I hate you so freaking much.

- This is ridiculous.
Neither of you

have even taken
a bathroom break.

- Are you kidding me?

Do you think
world record-holder Howard Berg

would stop in the middle
of a read-off to expel?

- Ow.

- What's going on, Santiago?
- It's nothing.

It's my guide finger.
I've got paper burn.

- Let me see.
- Hm.

- Santiago, you're hurt.

Don't be a hero.

- Damn.
You must've been cooking.

- I was.
- Let's take a break,

put some ointment on that.
- Right. And when I come back,

my finger's slipping
all over the page.

Nice try. I'm not falling
for any of your tricks.

- Oh, but you already have.

While you were waggling
your finger in the air,

I've been reading all this time
out of the corner of my eye.

- Damn it!

- Why are you doing this,
Deborah Lyn?

- Because you're being
so mean, Mom.

Also, I know that
if I didn't tie you up,

you'd probably go
run and find your phone

so you could call Derek.
- Maybe we should call Derek.

He could help. He's a lawyer.
- Yeah, I know he's a lawyer.

Do you think you could go
more than five minutes

without bringing that up?

- You have to get
the gun from her.

- I know, but how do I
get close enough?

- There's one way. She clearly
has a thing for you.

- Why do you say that?
Just because

she has a fantasy of us
as a dog couple?

Wait. Yeah, I see it.
That's gonna work.

- Very tacky. And it's like,
you don't even care

how many chimneys I have.

- Hey, sorry to interrupt.

Mrs. Fogle,
we weren't introduced.

I'm Jake, Debbie's boyfriend.

- You are? We are?
- I mean, yeah,

if you're into it.
- I am. I do.

See, Mom. I am with someone.

All those psychics were wrong.

- So listen, babe...
- Yes, babe?

- I was thinking...
- About what, babe?

- That we...
- Go on, babe.

- Wow, you really latched onto
the babe thing.

- I love it.
- Great, great, great.

Well, anyways,
I was just gonna say

that, you know, once we're done
with this big score,

we need a place to hide out.

Somewhere where the cops
could never find us.

- Ooh, like Epcot.
- Uhh, yes, Epcot is great.

That's exactly
what I was thinking.

- We can kiss in front of
the Eiffel Tower,

on the canals of Venice,

oh, in the Canada pavilion.

- Yes, but why wait
till the Canada Pavilion

when we can start right now?

Huh?
- Oh, my God.

This is happening.
- Come here.

Eh...

Hi-ya!

What the hell, babe?

- Debbie,
what's your plan here?

Talk to me.
- Why? So you can

just tell me
more beautiful lies?

You think you can
just lick your lips

and make me weak in the knees?
- No.

- Nice try,
but I closed my eyes

so I didn't even see it.

Oh, come on.

- Oh. Nucci's on his way.

And I'm about to be rich.

- Debbie, this is bad.

You don't wanna be
an accessory to murder.

- W-What are you talking about?

- What do you think
is gonna happen

when Nucci gets here
and finds two cops?

He's gonna kills us.

- Yeah, I know that.

Um, I've obviously thought
all this through,

and it all is going
according to my plans.

I'm sorry,
I just started trembling

and I accidentally...

- Debbie, please,
just put the gun down!

- I just talked to the manager
at the hotel

where the handoff
was happening.

He said Debbie's room
was empty,

and there's no sign
of Rosa or Jake.

Is there anything
in those diaries

that can help us find 'em?
- Debbie mentioned her mom

a bunch in one of
the ones I read.

Seems like
she tells her everything.

- Ooh, that's a good lead.

- It is a good lead, isn't it?

Did you hear that,
speed freaks?

- Let's find out all we can
about the mom.

- I'll start reading
right away

because slow and steady wins...
- Her mother's name

is Margaret Jean Fogle.
- She lives in Bensonhurst.

- She drives a maroon Lexus.
- Vanity plates, "DEREKSMOM."

- She's been married
three times.

- To Horace Mills.
- Then Frank Yelter.

- And then James Fogle.
- She goes grocery shopping

on Tuesdays.
- Water aerobics on Wednesdays.

- Book club on Fridays.
- She drinks too much wine.

- Always a pinot grigio.
- Always from Napa.

- The race.
Slow and steady wins the race.

- Okay, uh, what if I just
tell Nucci not to kill you?

You know,
we're business partners,

we make all of our
business decisions together.

- Yep,
we're all gonna die today.

- Debbie, if you just untie us,

we can help you
get out of here.

- Okay, but if I untie you,
you'll arrest me,

and then I'll go to prison
for the rest of my life.

- You'll be in prison anyway.

I guarantee you
if anything happens to us,

the Nine-Nine
will hunt you down.

- Okay, okay, okay.

Maybe I should surrender.

Uh, but I don't wanna
go to jail.

Okay, I don't know what to do.

Um, Mom, help me.

- Now you need my help?

Please, it doesn't matter
what I say.

You're still gonna mess it up.

Just like you messed up
your bangs

when you had to cut
your own hair.

- Yeah, I'm sure that was
a long time ago.

- That was last year.
- I see.

- Or when you got
in a car accident

when your brother
was going to take the bar.

Or when you lost all your money

investing in that cruise line
for cats.

- Feline Cruise Line.
- You know what?

You're not my daughter anymore.
- What?

What are you saying?
- You have embarrassed me

and the family
for the last time.

I'm done with you. Good-bye.
- Shut up, Margaret!

Same crap my parents pulled.

Always pointing out my flaws,
never helping

and then bailing
when things got messy.

You know, I was a lot like you.
- You were holed up

with a ton of cocaine
and a bunch of guns?

- That's my business.
- What?

- I spent years telling myself

that tough love
made me stronger,

but you know what I really wish
they'd done?

- What?
- Been nice to me.

I wish they would've told me
I made a mistake,

but they still loved me

and they would help me
try to figure it out.

Would've saved me
a lot of pain.

Debbie, you have made
some really bad choices today.

- Really bad.
- Not now, Debbie's mom.

- You are not a bad person.

If we get out of this alive,
I promise you

I will help you however I can.

- Wow. Thank you.

- Oh, your back is very wet.

- Yeah, I guess between
the fur coat

and all the cocaine,
I've been sweating a lot.

- That's Nucci. He's here.

- Hi, Debbie.
Do you have something for me?

- Yes, I do.
I do have something.

I have two friends.
- What the hell is this?

- Drop your weapons.
- No way.

You drop your weapons.

- NYPD!
Everyone down on the ground!

Down on the ground,
right now!

- Put 'em down.

- Don't do anything stupid.
- I will shoot her.

Put down your gun.
- Oh, man,

grabbing Debbie
was a big mistake.

- What do you mean by...

Hi-ya!

- Whoa, Debbie,
that was amazing.

- Thanks. By the way,

Jake thinks
you smell like.

- What? That's weird.
I don't know why she said that.

Anyways, let's get Debbie
into a cop car.

Well, you really
gonna help out Debbie

or did you just say all
that stuff so she'd let us go?

- I told the DA she cooperated
and he agreed to be lenient,

especially since we got Nucci
and the cocaine was returned.

Except for the pound of it
that Debbie did.

- Yeah. The paramedic said
he had never heard

a human heart beat that loudly.

He could hear it
outside of her body.

- Ugh. She'll probably
get ten years.

It's better than 30.
Let's be real,

Debbie's life wasn't gonna
begin till she was 50 anyway.

- Yeah, the kooky aunt vibe

will probably
play a lot better then.

So hey, one more thing.

We can never let anyone know
that we got beat up

by Debbie Fogle.
- Agreed.

- Take it to the grave?
- To the grave.

- This conversation
never happened.

- I don't even know
who you are.

- That's hurtful.
You took it too far.

- That's a weird thing
for a stranger to say.

Bye.

- Okay.

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.