Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 3 - Pimemento - full transcript

- [snoring]

- [gasps]

[whispers]
It's happening again.

Rosa, Rosa, Hitchcock fell
asleep in the break room.

I pranked him.
I tied his shoelaces together.

- You're 38 years old,
dude.

- I know, and yet my pranks
still stay so fresh.

It's incredible.

- You gotta untie his shoes
before he gets hurt.

- Look, seriously?

- Seriously.
- [groans] Fine.



But what's the worst thing
that could happen?

- [gasping]

- He's being strangled
to death!

- How?

[upbeat music]

♪

[light funky music]

- [sighs]

- So you still annoyed?
- Yes.

You can't keep saying
"mischief managed"

after we finish sex.

It's what Harry Potter says

when he needs to clear
the Marauder's Map.

- Obviously, I know that,
but I would prefer



to keep wizard terms
out of our sex life.

- But what we're doing
is magical.

We're making a baby.

- [sighs]

- Wait, why'd you stop
the elevator?

- Look, I know you're excited,
and I am too,

but I really don't
want to talk

about us trying to get pregnant
while we're at work.

You haven't said anything
to Charles, right?

- No, and it's killing me.

I still don't get why you can
tell Rosa but I can't tell him.

- Rosa's low key.

- Charles can be low key.

- So how was
everyone's weekend?

- Oh, uh,
we bought a couch.

- Hoo-hoo,
tell me everything!

- Okay, fine,
he can be a bit much.

But don't worry.

I have a plan that guarantees
I'm not gonna tell him.

I've cut him out of my life
completely.

- That doesn't
seem sustainable.

- Yeah, well, so far,
it's working

and it's foolproof,
so...

- Morning!

Jake, can I talk to you
for a second?

- Mm-hmm.

- I feel like we haven't
hung out in forever.

- Oh, is that so? I didn't
realize. Is that the case?

- You wanna get a drink
after work tonight?

I'm dying to tell you
about Genevieve's new shampoo.

[whispers]
It's edible.

- Oh, wow,
that sounds so fun,

but I actually... can't
because I have plans

with Ron Weasley... berg.
It's a friend of Amy's.

The point is, I'm unavailable
for a very real reason.

- Jake!

- Oh, my God, is that...
- Boyle!

- It does sound like...

- [gasping]
It's me, Adrian Pimento.

- Yeah, we know.

Hi, Adrian.
How are you?

- Very bad, someone's
trying to kill me.

- Before we wrap up
this briefing,

I wanted to give
a few shout-outs.

Diaz, great job on that B&E.

You are a good cop
with a great attitude.

- I don't like this.
- Santiago, when I think

of your CompStat reports,
one word comes to mind: wow.

And that "WOW" is an acronym
for "wow, oh, wow."

- What is happening?
- He's buttering us up

before giving us some
devastatingly bad news.

My God, Jake and Charles
are dead.

[all gasp]

- Jake and Charles
are not dead.

It's worse than that.

We have to do
our annual HR seminar

on workplace conflict
tomorrow.

[all groan]
- What? Already?

- I know.
I know.

These seminars are not exactly
our favorite things.

- Question:
if I get shot

in the line of duty,
can I miss it?

- Legally, you still
have to make it up.

- Well, there goes
that plan.

- Sir, it's a seminar
that's too boring for me.

I'm saying no to a seminar.

- Look, it's mandatory,
it's not up for debate,

but we'll get through it

'cause we're the best squad
in the city

with the nicest hair,
the kindest eyes.

- He's buttering us up again,
so more bad news is coming.

- HR said they're
sending a funny guy.

[all groan]
- No!

- All I know is, I woke up
in a pool of my own blood

next to a metal chair
that had a dent in it

the same shape as my head.

- What were you doing
before the attack?

- I was sitting in said
metal chair watching

the season two premiere
of "The Masked Singer."

The Egg had just gone,

and I'm pretty sure
I know who it is,

Sara Gilbert.

- That doesn't
make any sense.

- Are you kidding?

You don't think I know
how Darlene walks?

- No, no, no, no,
I'm sure you do,

it's just "The Masked Singer"
ended four months ago.

I still can't believe
that the Bowl of Ramen

wasn't Dikembe Mutombo.

- Four month...
no, no, no.

I watched this last night.

That doesn't make any...
[dramatic musical flourish]

Where am I?

What is that table?
- Calm down.

You're at the nine-nine,
and you know what a table is.

- I don't remember coming here.
How did I get here?

- Oh, my God.

Pimento has
"Memento" disease.

Your memory
is resetting

like the guy from
the movie "Memento."

- What?
- You guys never saw "Memento"?

It's the guy with
no short-term memory,

you know, Christopher Nolan's
first movie.

- Is it like Dory
from "Finding Dory,"

she keeps forgetting
where she's swimming?

- No, no, it's like...
- Dory, yeah, yeah, yeah!

I'm like the forgetful
little fish.

- Ah.
- Oh, I mean, yeah, it's like

that, but it's also like...
- Just keep swimming!

- That's what Dory says.
- Classic Dory, Jake!

- Ugh, you guys
really ruined

the coolness of this
"Memento" thing.

- Also, Jake, "Following"

is Christopher Nolan's
first movie.

You sound like a grade A
[bleep] out here.

- What's up, squad?

Hope y'all like condiments
because I got all the sauce.

- Huh?

- I arrested a tween shoplifter
yesterday,

and she was real cool
at talking.

- I love you, Amy, but maybe
slang isn't your thing.

- [chuckles]
Whatevs.

Check it: I got a copy

of last year's workplace
conflict presentation.

All we have to do
is study the crap out of it,

then we can answer
every question

before that tool from HR
even asks it.

We'll be done in no time.

- So your solution for getting
us out of the boring seminar

is having us memorize
the boring seminar.

- Exactly.

- It's genius,
and it's fun.

I love committing things
to memory.

- Yeah, I'm out.
I don't do homework.

- You do now.

Get busy, ya flope.
- Flope?

- It means loser, okay?
It's new slang.

People are saying it!
The tween said so!

- It just doesn't
make any sense.

I mean, you love
"The Dark Knight,"

you love "Inception,"

and you haven't even
seen "Memento"?

- Jake, I don't know
what to tell ya.

I spend a lot of time
in jungles, you know.

They don't exactly
get movies like that.

It's usually big blockbusters
like "Finding Dory."

- 486 million domestic.

- When you factor in
international, 1.2 billion.

- Look, Adrian, we don't
have a ton to go off on here.

What else has been
going on in your life?

- Normal stuff.

Ooh, I got hired as a PI

by the Countess Luann
from "Real Housewives."

I ended up sleeping with her
in a tiny hotel Jacuzzi.

I also microwaved
a watermelon

just to see if
it would explode.

- Okay, this is
immediately unhelpful,

but did
the watermelon explode?

- It just cracked
and got hot.

- Oh.
- Total bust.

- Hey, maybe
one of your PI cases

is the reason
you got attacked.

- I thought of that too,
but I doubt it.

You know, they're all the same,
kinda boring.

It's some redheaded lady wants
me to hack her husband's phone

to see if he's cheating with
a spin instructor named Kendra.

- It seems a little specific

that they would all
be like that, but okay.

[high-pitched beeping]

- Where is that
coming from?

- Oh, my God,
there's a bomb in my chest!

- What?
- They put a bomb in my chest!

- What do we do?
- [screaming]

[beeping speeds up]

Wait a second, the sound's
coming from my little watch.

[laughs]

- You just assumed
there was a bomb inside you?

- It says, "Take pill,
right jacket po"...

I've never seen these
before in my life.

- This was filled
three days ago.

[gasps] This doctor must be
treating you for your...

- "Finding Dory" Disease,

that's what most people call
anterograde amnesia.

Both: Just keep swimming.

- Exactly, that's what
I tell my patients,

just keep swimming.

- So what do you think
caused Pimento's memory loss?

- Probably years
of repeated head trauma.

I've been working
as a neurologist

for over two decades,
and I have neverseen a patient

with more traumatic
head injuries.

- Well, doesn't look so bad.

- The red
is the good parts.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, I guess
it does make sense.

Pimento lives pretty hard.

- I locked my keys
in the car again.

I guess I'll have
to smash the window.

- Actually, I got
a hammer in my car.

[glass explodes]

Come on,
everybody knows

the skull is the hammer
of the body.

- Yeah, that's not true.

- What? Really?

Okay, well,
then this is on me.

- Look, this morning,
Pimento was screaming

about someone
trying to kill him.

Has he said anything
like that to you?

- He has, but I've seen him
every day for weeks,

and I haven't noticed
any new injuries,

but the medication he's on
may be making him paranoid.

- Really? Because he doesn't...
[high-pitched beeping]

- [screams]
There's a bomb in my chest!

[screams]
[beeping speeds up]

- Right, he does keep
doing that.

[light funky music]

- Hey, it was nice of you

to let Pimento crash
at your place last night.

How'd it go?

- Oh, well, he gave Nikolaj

a haircut
while he was asleep,

but no weird memory stuff,
so all in all, major win.

- Great, so it sounds like
he might be getting better.

- Ah, someone's
trying to kill me!

- Oh, boy,
here we go again.

- Ah, gah!
- Pimento, Pimento, Pimento!

Don't worry.
Everything's okay.

You've had
some brain trauma,

and it caused you
to lose your memory.

You're scared
that you're in danger,

but there is no evidence that
anyone is trying to kill you.

You're safe.
- Wait, wait, really?

Whew, okay.

[chuckles]
Thank you.

I was really worried, you know,
'cause of this gunshot wound.

- Oh, my God, someone's
trying to kill you!

- What? You just told me
that wasn't the case!

.

- So there I am, naked,

still holding
the hedge trimmers

when the chauffeur walks in
and I say,

"Guess you caught me
red-handed."

- Because of the blood?
- Yeah, because of the blood!

See, you get it.

[laughs]

- The bullet went through
your friend's shoulder.

He should be fine,
although he does keep asking me

if we do the "Face/Off"
surgery here.

- [chuckles]
And what'd you tell him?

- That we don't.

- [whispers]
Right.

She's hiding something.
- Obviously.

Okay, Adrian, there's very
little evidence to go on,

so we should take a look
at your PI case files.

- Don't have any.

Keep everything right up here
in the old steel...

where am I?

What is this bed?

- And his memory's
resetting.

All right, Adrian,
someone's trying to kill you.

- Uh-huh.
- You have a memory disorder...

- That makes sense.
- Like in the movie "Memento."

- I haven't seen that!
- It's like "Finding Dory."

- Oh, now I know
exactly what's going on.

Thank you, Charles.

- Okay, let's get you dressed

and back to the precinct
where it's safe.

- Okay.

- Oh, Adrian, the back
of your gown's open.

- Don't peek at my tushy.

- Ah. Wait, since when is
your back covered in tattoos?

- It's not,

otherwise I couldn't get buried
in a Jewish cemetery.

- Are you Jewish?
- Not yet.

Ooh, I should ask that nurse if
they've got a mohel on staff.

- Wait, maybe you've been
getting tattoos

to help you remember things,
like the guy in "Memento."

- Again, haven't seen it.

- No, the tattoos
could be clues

that you're leaving
for yourself.

Here, we'll step out.

You get undressed and write
down everything you see,

and you're fully naked.
- Hey-oh!

- All right, well, I guess
we're looking at 'em together.

[light funky music]

- My name is Brad Portenberg,

and today I'm gonna teach you
about workplace conflict.

So I brought along someone
who's an expert in conflict:

my ex-wife.

Just kidding.

She lives in Vermont
with our kids.

So can anyone tell me
what a stereotype is?

- The Irish are
potato-eating drunks.

- And the gays...
- No, no, no,

what does the word
"stereotype" mean?

- Uh...
- I got this, fellas.

It's a preconceived,
often prejudiced notion

about a group of people.

- Great, and can anyone tell me
what a protected class is?

- A group of people
with a common characteristic

that is legally protected
from employment discrimination.

- And how many protected
classes are there?

- 20.

- Wow.

It seems like
I have myself a star pupil.

- Honey, you have no idea.

- "Extra ranch, no tomato,
no cilantro."

These are just a list
of modifications

on a signature salad
from Panera.

- Okay, this one says,
"Buy toilet paper"

in a truly gigantic font.

I hate to think
of the horrific event

that led to a reminder
of this size.

- This says your bank account
number is 432211378,

then just under that,

"Someone saw this
and stole your money."

- Aw.
- Ew. [scoffs]

This just says,
"Don't trust your D."

- Okay, well,
that's good advice.

My D does get me
in a lot of trouble.

- Are you sure that's what
the D stands for?

- Oh, it's for sure my dong.

It could tell some stories:
Costa Rica in '98, Nam.

- It's coming up.
[high-pitched beeping]

- Oh, no, there's a bomb
in my chest!

Save yourselves!

- No, no, no, no, it's just
your little watch, okay?

Means it's time for you
to take your pills.

You keep them in
your right coat pocket.

- Oh, okay.

Where's my coat?
- It's down in my car.

- Ah, I'll go get it.
You stay here.

- No, no, no,
your penis is out.

I'll go.
- Okay.

Whew, boy, I love
that little guy, right?

- Yeah.

[cell phone rings]

Oh, my phone's ringing.
Gotta grab it.

It's Amy.
- Aw, Ames!

Put her on FaceTime.

- Wha? [scoffs]
No.

- Come on!
- Hey, what's going on?

- Hey, just checking in.

How's it going with Charles?

I know how hard
this is for you.

Have you told him anything?

- Nope, we're still all good.

He has no idea that we are

growing a Whomping Willow
in your Chamber of Secrets.

- Well, I have to get back
to the seminar.

Also, you've
ruined sex forever.

- Yep, I heard it.

I don't know why
I keep doing it.

I love you. Bye.
[sighs]

- What was all that about?

- Oh, I actually
really can't tell you.

No, wait a minute,
you're the only person

that I can tell because
your brain's broken.

Anything I say,
you'll just forget.

- Well, I guess that's true.
Give it to me.

- Amy and I are trying
to have a baby.

- What?
Jake, that's wonderful.

Come on, bring it in.

- I'd rather not,
but it still feels really nice

to talk to someone
about it finally.

But I'm gonna be a dad.
It's so crazy.

Hey, don't mention this
around Charles.

- [screams]
Where am I?

- Oh, perfect.

- Listen, Denise,
I felt personally attacked

when you included sesame bagels
at the bagel brunch

knowing full well
I'm allergic.

I developed a rash.

- Says you, Ainsley.

I believe food allergies
are a hoax.

Perhaps your rash is from
all that makeup you wear.

This is an office,
not some downtown dancery.

- Okay, great.

Now, in this roleplay, who can
tell me what went wrong?

- Denise should have made
reasonable accommodations

given Ainsley's
medical issue.

Ainsley unnecessarily
heightened the conflict

by assuming that Denise
had a personal vendetta,

and Denise shouldn't
have responded

to Ainsley's complaint
with an ad hominem attack.

- My thoughts exactly.
- I concur.

- Yep.
- Wow.

I'm really disappointed...

that I have nothing
to correct you on.

That was amazing.

I have never had a group finish

this entire seminar
that quickly before.

It reminds me of
a really funny joke about...

- Ha, ha, I'm laughing already.

Great seminar, sad it's over,

but it is, so see ya.

- Actually,
I have good news.

State law requires
that this seminar

be no less than six hours,

so I guess we'll spend
the next two hours

diving into specific conflicts

about this workplace
and solving them.

- But we beat you.

We beat you with study.

- Brad, my funny friend,

we don't need
this training.

We don't have
any workplace conflicts.

- Oh, there's always
conflict somewhere.

Now, it could be something
small, like a pet peeve, or...

- Hitchcock slept with my wife,
Kelly, in 1988!

- So Kelly was his wife,
not his dog.

- Hey, before Charles
gets back,

there's a few more secrets I
want to say out loud to someone

who will immediately
forget them.

- Give 'em to me.
- In 11th grade,

I told everyone I was
going to a Megadeth concert,

but it was actually Melissa
Etheridge, and I loved it.

Also, one time,
I ate a dog biscuit

just to see
what it tasted like.

- I get it.
They're delicious.

- They're not bad.

- Oh, here comes Charles.

- Hey, man, did you get
Pimento's meds?

- Sure did.
- Aw, thanks, Chuck.

See, this is gonna make me
feel a lot better.

- I grabbed you a water from
the hospital to wash 'em down.

- Aw, thanks, Jake.

You're gonna
make a good dad.

I'm so glad you and Amy
are taking that step.

- What? How did you...

what about
your memory reset?

- You and Amy
are trying to have a baby

and you told Pimento
and not me?

- They've got
a Panera here?

Okay, I love their salads
exactly as they come.

- Actually, you don't.

- [gasps]
Thanks, Jakey.

See, you're gonna
make a great dad.

- Stop saying that!

.

- Hey.

So you wanna talk about
what happened before?

- You mean the "you telling
Pimento and not me

that you're trying
to make a baby" thing?

[stammers and squeaks]
No, no, I'm totally fine.

Hey, coffee guy, how would you
like be godfather to my son?

Because a position
just opened up.

- Okay, we're talking
about this.

Look, you're being unfair.

There's some things
in my life with Amy

that are just between
her and me,

and I need you
to be okay with that.

- Fine.

You're right.
I get it.

I mean, it's not like
you told anyone else.

- Right.

I mean...

- We told Rosa.

- Rosa, that dud?

Oh, why her and not me?

- Sometimes you can
be a little much.

- A little much?
A little much!

- Yes, a little much.

- Well, maybe, Jake, I have
"Finding Dory" Disease too

because right now,

I can't remember
why we ever were friends!

- Okay, see, once again,
that was a little over the top.

- Excuse me, my godson's dad,
the crazy guy just ran away.

- Oh, my God, he's gone.

Pimento is gone.
- Just like our friendship!

- Come on, Charles.

- Well, I've got
a bean to boil too.

Santiago always tries
to finish my sentences

and frequently gets it wrong.

- I do not,
and I am not wrong.

- You do it all the...
- Time?

- No, I was going to say,
"All the day long."

See? Frequently wrong.

- I dogsat for Scully,
and he never thanked me.

Kelly was a real handful.

- Wait, I'm confused again.

Kelly was a dog?
- There were two Kellys.

You'd know that if you'd
ever listened to my podcast.

- Okay, dude, just relax.

- Don't tell us to relax

just because you're too nice
to have any pet peeves.

- Oh, Terry's got peeves.

Terry hates the way you always
make mouth noises when you eat.

Nom, nom, I'm Rosa.
I'm eating a croissant.

Nom, nom.

- How's this for a mouth noise?
You suck.

- No, you suck!

- As do you, as do you and you!

- Oh, yeah? Well,
you're all a bunch of flopes.

- Flopes?
- This is the flope right here.

[all shouting indistinctly]

- Okay, all right.

Okay, guys,
that is our six hours.

The seminar is over.

I'm really proud of you guys,

lots of good progress
here today.

You're welcome.

- I'm Detective Boyle.
This is my partner, Jake.

You probably think it's weird

that I said partner
and not friend.

- Not at all.
- Well, the point is

that we're strictly
colleagues.

Have you seen this man?

- Yeah, he was here a few
hours ago for a new tattoo.

It was supposed to say,

"Jake and Amy are trying
to have a baby."

- Seriously?
- Aw.

Wait a minute, what do you mean
"supposed to"?

- He jumped out of the chair
before I could finish,

second time
it's happened.

First time, he left
with a tat that said,

"Don't trust your D."

- That wasn't the whole tattoo?
- No.

He wanted it to say,
"Don't trust your doctor."

- Oh, my God.

Pimento's doctor
is trying to kill him.

He must have remembered
something

when he stopped
taking his pills.

The pills are what's messing
with his memory.

- We have to find him
before his doctor does.

- Oh, I know where he's going.
- You do? Where?

- Said he's going
to his doctor.

- Oh.

Thanks.

- Detectives,
good to see you again.

- Oh, I see, the villain
playing it cool

when confronted
by the good guys,

just like Javier Bardem
in "No Country for Old Men."

Do you guys only watch
kids' movies?

- Whatever you're insinuating,
I assure you, you're incorrect.

- Cut the crap, Doc.
We know everything.

- That's right,
your wife hired Pimento as a PI

to find out if you
were cheating on her

with your spin class
instructor, Kendra.

- And you were,

so you silenced Pimento
before he could tell her

by drugging
him to ruin his memory.

Now where is he?
- I haven't see him.

- Oh, please, you're making
this way too easy.

You clearly just glanced
at this door.

- Don't.
He's not in there.

- Oh, really? Because I'm
pretty sure that he...

isn't.

But he clearly was.

- Jake, help!

- Pimento.

[exciting music]

- Got him.

Help!

Jake, what's happening?

What is this ledge?

- You must have tried
to escape out the window

and then your
memory reset.

- What?
I don't understand.

Why would
my memory reset?

- It's just like the film...

"Finding Dory."

- Huh?
- "Finding Dory."

- Ah, say no more!

I completely understand!

- Just stay where you are.
I'm gonna come get you.

- Okay.

Should I go over here?

- No, why would you
go over there?

- I don't know!

I just woke up out here!

- Just stay still!

- Ah, I don't know
what to do!

- Okay, all right.
Here I come.

Here I come.

- Uh, I'm scared
of heights, Jake.

- Yeah, so am I, Adrian.

- This might not be
the time to tell you,

but both my parents died
falling out of lighthouses,

separate incidents.

- Oh, man, I have
so many questions,

but for now,
just follow my lead, okay?

- Okay.

- Take small
little baby steps,

like this.

[wind howling]

- You're not moving!

- I'm not?

Oh, uh-oh.

.

- Huh, I'm really
scared, Jake.

I'm really scared.
- Yeah, I know,

just try and look at one thing
and focus only on that

until I can get Charles
out here to help.

- Okay, okay.

Ooh, there's a juicy
old person butt in that window.

- Why's it gotta be
juicy and old?

- I don't know,
but I'm grateful for it.

- All right,
just lock in on that.

Hey, Charles, I know
you're still mad at me

for not telling you
Amy and I are trying,

but I could really
use your help.

- That's not all
I'm mad about, Jake.

I'm upset because
you keep blowing me off.

We haven't hung out
in weeks.

We don't talk
on the phone anymore.

I can't remember the last time
we painted pottery together.

Sorry, I know this isn't
the time to talk about this.

- No, no, no, keep going.

It's helping to distract me
from the fact

that I could fall
and instantly die.

- Oh, no, from this height,
it wouldn't be instant.

When you hit the ground,
your ribs would shatter,

puncturing your lungs.

You'd start to drown on
your own blood, gurgling and...

- Okay, Adrian,
I'm being distracted

by Charles right now,
thank you.

- Okay.

- Here, take... take my hand.

I can guide you guys back.

- Come on, we're a chain.
Here we go.

- Just keep swimming.
- Oh, just keep swimming.

- Just keep swimming.
- Oh, say it, Jake.

[wind howling]

- [quietly]
Just keep swimming.

- Good.
- Oh!

- Hey, just so you know,

the only reason
that I've been avoiding you

is because I really
wanted to tell you

what me and Amy
have been up to,

and I knew the second
that I saw you,

I would just blurt it out.

I always
tell you everything.

I hated not being able
to say anything.

- Aw, that's so sweet.

Your love for each other
is really wonderful.

Let's hug.
Let's all hug.

- Oh, no, no, no,
we're still on the ledge!

[all scream]

[light funky music]

♪

- [sighs]
Okay, this sucks.

We never fight,
and then stupid Brad comes in

and turns us
all against each other

and now we're acting
like a bunch of kids.

- Not all kids.

My girls never act like this.

- We may be arguing,

but we're all thinking
the same thing:

Terry talks about
his children too much.

- Do I really?
You all think that?

- Keep a lid on the box,
Pandora.

You won't like what's inside.

- Everybody, shut up.

You're all acting
like a bunch of Ramonas.

- Ramona?
- Yeah, she hated the smell

of her coworker's holiday
candle, so she threw it out.

It was in that thing
that you made us memorize.

- You memorized it?

But you said it was homework
and you don't do homework.

- Yeah, well, you said
to read it, so I read it.

We're a team, ya flope.

- It's catching on.

- Eh, I mean...

- Hey, guys, it's me,
Adrian Pimento.

- Hey, Pimento,
how's it going, bud?

- Pretty good,
I know where I am,

and I know what a table is,
so everything's going great.

- Pretty low bar for greatness,
but all right.

- Hey, how's it been since you
stopped taking those pills?

- Well, thankfully,
my full memory has come back,

even the things
that haunt me.

[laughs]

Hey, Jake, I saw that movie
you keep talking about.

- You watched "Memento"?
And what'd you think?

- It's okay.

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.

[laser pings]
- Fremulon.