Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 13 - Episode #7.13 - full transcript
And those of you
patrolling 7th avenue,
please be aware of the new
pedal pubs.
They're bike-powered mobile bars
that are very popular
with bachelorette parties.
But unfortunately they have
led to a dramatic increase
in the rarely seen case
of female public urination.
- Resist.
- That's everything,
but before we go home,
but quick reminder that today
is Sergeant Santiago's last day
before maternity leave.
We'll see you in three months.
- She gets three months off?
- Can I take a maternity leave?
Are you giving birth to a baby?
I'm having a seven pound mass
removed from my abdomen
next week.
Yeah, never ask
Scully questions.
That's on me, guys!
Dismissed.
So, have you guys decided
on a name yet?
We're not telling people
until he's born.
Not the baby's name... my name.
What's he gonna call me?
Uncle Chuck? Unky C? Ooh...
Chee-Chee, so he says it early?
Maybe just Charles.
Wait, so my dad gets to be
his "Pop-Pop,"
but I'm just "Charles?"
Your dad does not get
to be his "Pop-Pop."
Well I hope you're prepared
to make that phone call.
Uh, what was that?
Wow, all of Brooklyn lost power.
You know, I've always
kind of liked blackouts.
Listen to how quiet it is.
It's so peaceful.
Nope, it immediately
turned into a purge.
Way to go, New York.
All right, let's suit up!
Maybe it's not so bad out there.
I mean, none of our phone
are ringing.
That's because all
the cell towers are down.
Nobody has landlines anymore,
so they can't call in.
Huh, really makes you think
about society's reliance
on modern technology,
doesn't it?
- No.
- Yeah, me neither.
I just thought maybe
that's how you see it.
Guys, stop wasting time.
Headlamps on!
We have to engage
in blackout protocol.
I'm surprised, those guys are
really springing into action.
Nope, they're just eating all
the food in the fridge
before it goes bad.
There's a dozen sandwiches
here, I don't know what kind.
I'll figure it out later.
Just start chewing.
Yeah, they suck.
So, only Captain Holt or Terry
can initiate
actual blackout protocol,
but I don't see them anywhere.
- Guys?
- Where did our dads go?
Hello? Anyone?
We're stuck in the elevator!
Can't you yell any louder?
Use those big strong lungs
you're always flexing.
These are my pecs.
So this is all just
for show then.
It has no functional purpose.
I mean, I am pretty strong.
Good, then rip those doors open.
- I can't do that.
- Oh, well at least you haven't
dedicated a significant
portion of your life
to looking like this.
- What is with you?
- I'm sorry.
This is a nightmare of mine.
I have a phobia of elevators.
It stems from a traumatic
experience I had as a child.
They only perform
rated-load testing
on city elevators
every five years?
Oh, my.
That was the last time I read
the municipal code before bed.
But...
the damage was done.
Wait, look at this, sir.
I think we'll be fine.
It was inspected
four months ago.
By Walter Beverly,
the clown prince
of the Department of Buildings.
You've made it so much worse.
Help!
Help!
Yeah, they're trapped in there.
Oh no, that means
we have to call
the fire department.
Or, hear me out,
we leave them in there forever,
and move on emotionally.
- No.
- Call the fire department.
All right,
as the highest ranking officer
not trapped in a box,
I'll take charge.
Uh, shouldn't you
be taking it easy?
Your shift's over.
You're on maternity leave.
As the baby's Chee-Chee...
Charles, I'm fine,
and this is an emergency.
Subways aren't running,
and we're gonna have
a lot of people on the street.
So I'm gonna call
Mounted Division
to help with crowd control.
But that's
Sergeant Peanut Butter's unit.
No one wants to work with that
condescending dick.
Okay, first of all,
he's a horse,
so he can't be condescending.
Ugh, oh-ho, he's got you
people fooled.
Secondly...
- He's a lieutenant now.
- What?! How?!
- Charles, get it together.
- I want you and Jake
to go to
the Gowanus power substation.
That's where
the transformer exploded.
Work with ESU,
get us a timetable
for the power being restored,
and hurry!
Wow, look at my pregnant wife
taking charge.
I don't know whether
to be proud or turned on.
- I said hurry.
- Oh, my God, it's both.
Hey, what happened?
Someone lost control
of their car,
jumped the curb,
went through the fence,
and rammed into the transformer.
Guy must have been drunk.
There was an empty bottle
of vodka on the floor
of the car.
Okay, Charles,
I see two possibilities.
One, he was vaporized
into a being
of pure electricity,
becoming a supervillian
known only as
"The Surge Freak."
- Seems unlikely.
- Yeah, I know, Officer Rick,
that's why I said there were
two possibilities.
He probably just hobbled off
so he wouldn't get a DUI.
Here, we'll follow this very
obvious trail of blood.
Happy now?
Stupid Officer Rick
and his stupid
joyless approach to life.
Come on.
- I can't see anything.
- Me neither.
We'll just have to rely
on our other senses.
I call smell.
Okay, really jumped on that one.
I wasn't gonna fight you
for smell.
I figured we'd just
listen for sounds.
Pfft, good luck with that.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- How's it going over there?
You hearing anything?
Yeah, I'm hearing you
and your creepy sniffs.
Really? Well I'm smelling
a lot of jealousy
coming from your direction.
- Sound to the left.
- Smell to the left.
NYPD, hands up!
Oh, yeah, we got him.
Charles.
Aw, this ice cream is melting.
- Who cares?
- We can drink melted ice cream.
We can't eat spoiled ham.
We have to prioritize!
What if we combine them?
Wrap the ice cream
in the ham like a taquito.
- This man.
- This man is my best friend.
You two are the worst people
to have around in an emergency.
I literally can't
imagine a scenario
where you'd be helpful.
- Murder at a Cinnabon.
- Who would you call?
Someone who wouldn't
be distracted by the frosting.
Yeah, I do love that frosting.
Hey Diaz, heard you guys
needed help
- from some real heroes.
- Please.
Firefighters are basically
just EMTs who all live together
- and sleep in bunk beds.
- Correction.
It's a professional,
multi-tiered,
shared sleeping set-up.
You're describing bunk beds.
Just get the people
out of the elevator.
We should have all ambulances
on call.
I want an open line
of communication with DOT,
and I want someone
from the DA down here
so we don't get cases
thrown out.
I need a pair of sweatpants,
and check again
on that status update from ESU.
All right, go go go!
What do you need
the sweatpants for?
My water just broke,
which reminds me,
we should be prepared
to distribute
emergency water and food.
Your water just broke?!
We need to go to a hospital
right now.
I don't want a burst happening
around me.
It's way too gross.
I'm nowhere near giving birth.
I haven't even lost
my mucus plug.
Amy, you need to get
the [bleep] out of here.
I'm sorry my baby
grosses you out, Rosa.
I'm excited to meet your baby
when it's clean
and wearing clothes,
and not blasting out of you
like some half-Cuban
Jimmy Neutron.
I'm just at the start
of my labor.
I haven't even had my first
contrac...
- ...tion.
- Was that a contraction?
No.
That was just a crazy yawn.
Fine, look... I don't have to go
to the hospital
until my contractions
are three minutes apart and last
for at least 45 seconds.
Yeah, but don't you need to
go home and pack some stuff?
I'll be fine.
Scully, you have a hospital
go-bag at your desk, right?
- Yep, what do you need?
- One-day, three-day, coma kit?
I rest my case.
- Peralta, you there?
- Yeah, what's up?
You gotta get back here
right now.
Amy's water broke.
- What?
- What?
- When?
- When?
- Did she lose her mucus plug?
- Did she lose her mucus plug?
I can't believe you're
making me say this, but
she thinks she lost
her mucus plug yesterday,
but mistook it
for normal discharge.
- How thick was it?
- Was it clear or milky?
- Was it bloody?
- Was it "the bloody show?"
Jake, I think it's very cool
that you've learned this,
very progressive.
Charles, I think you know
you crossed a line.
Just get back here, now!
- Copy.
- This is it.
My purpose is clear.
I was put on this Earth
to get you back in time
to see your baby's birth.
I mean, you're a grown man
with your own hopes and dreams.
My purpose is clear.
- Okay.
- Excuse me,
my apartment is
on the seventh floor,
and the elevator isn't working.
I'm getting cold.
Well, we're headed back
to our precinct.
There's emergency power
if you want to wait there
for the lights to come back on.
I'll get in back.
I'm Dorothy, but my friends
call me Dotty.
Although these days there
are fewer and fewer of them.
- Charles?
- Uh, this is great, Dotty,
but we're kind of in a hurry.
My wife just went into labor
and I want to get there
- in time for the birth.
- Why?
The only man in the room
should be the doctor.
- Okay.
- All the dad needs to do
is to make the money
and have a nice, thick belt
for when it's time to teach
him a lesson.
My dad hit me with a belt.
Soon as I got big enough,
I shot him.
Wow, what a fun group for this,
the most important day
of my life.
Don't worry,
fire department's on the job.
- Hear that, Jeffords?
- We're gonna die in here.
We're marked for death!
Okay, calm down, I have an idea.
When my parents would fight
and my dad got scary,
I would take
my little brother upstairs
and to distract him,
I'd teach him dance moves.
What kind of dance moves?
Mostly '80s hip-hop.
He loved Salt-N-Pepa.
No, I won't be doing that.
Salt and pepper, you say?
- Ugh, we haven't moved.
- Why is there so much traffic?
Stupid Uber, New York used to
be a paradise of open road.
Try the siren again.
In my day,
people respected police.
They respect us;
they just have nowhere to go.
God knows they won't go back
to their own country.
Dotty, I really wish you
weren't such a big part
- of my son's birth story.
- We should walk.
It's only 27 blocks,
it's gotta be faster than this.
I mean,
it's a little bit faster.
Is it? Hey, Dotty,
just weighing our options here.
Have you ever been worn
like a backpack?
Okay, okay, you take the perp
back to the precinct.
I'll stay here with her,
Are you sure?
Just remember to tell your son
what Chee-Chee did here tonight.
How you feeling about Chee-Chee
having said it out loud
a few times?
I am loving it!
Help, help!
- Jake, we don't have time.
- We'll call it in.
Let someone else handle it.
No, we can't ignore
a cry for help.
We can handcuff him
to the railing
Dotty, call out
if you need anything.
I'd feel safer
if you just shot him.
Dotty, no.
We're not gonna shoot him!
Hey, what's the update from OEM
about the power coming back on?
- Yeah, they're working on it.
- So, listen,
I've been timing
your contractions.
- What?
- How?
I've been hiding them so well.
No, you have not.
There's too much radio chatter.
Let's try to keep non-emergency
communications down to a...
minimum.
They're happening
every five minutes
and they're lasting 20 seconds.
Your baby's coming.
It's still not active labor.
Don't worry!
I'm not gonna have the baby
here and get placenta
all over your desk
or whatever it is
that you're afraid of.
Wait, is placenta something
that can get all over?
Actually, technically...
You know what, don't answer
that, I don't wanna know.
I promise I will go
to the hospital as soon as...
- Amy, just make the noise.
- You're not fooling anybody.
NYPD, you called for help?
Yes, my neighbor fell
down the stairs.
I think he hit his head
real bad.
Ah. It's a concussion,
for sure.
All right, we'll bring him
with us to the precinct.
Someone can help him there.
- That'll slow us down.
- Yeah, but we should
still make it as long as
nothing else goes wrong.
- Oh, fun.
- Loud gunshots.
- What happened?
- She shot me!
She shot me in the leg.
- You made a sudden motion.
- I sneezed!
Okay, Dotty,
what do you have a gun for?
To protect myself.
Cops are all wimps now.
My wife is having a baby
and I have to be there
to brush her hair.
I wasn't gonna brush her hair.
You weren't?
All right, look,
Dotty, you're under arrest.
- Jake, we gotta go.
- I can't walk on this leg.
Great, then we're stuck here.
We're never gonna make
it back to the precinct.
- Yeah we are.
- I have an idea.
- Pedal Pub coming through!
- I'm on my way, Amy!
Thanks for letting us hijack
your bachelorette party.
Oh, it's what we do.
We're, like, so random.
Yeah, in Red Bank,
where we're from,
everyone's like,
"Uh-oh, here comes trouble."
Wait, we have to stop.
- No, no, no... no stopping.
- Why are we stopping?
I lost both my shoes back there.
I gotta go find them.
Update.
I still have one shoe on,
but I think I broke my ankle.
But I'm gonna still try
to find the other one.
Guys, this is taking
way too long.
When she gets back,
we have to pedal faster.
Sorry, I have a gunshot wound
in my leg.
It didn't even hit bone,
you sissy.
Oh, if you're in pain,
here have some of this.
It's bubblegum flavored gin.
- I can't.
- I'm two years sober.
- What? No you're not.
- You got drunk
and crashed
into the power plant.
- Yeah, that was a relapse.
- I fell off the wagon.
Okay, so you're clearly
lying, which means...
you planted the bottle of vodka.
Which means the crash
wasn't an accident.
And you caused the blackout
on purpose, why?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
I just drank too much
and that was...
She's fingering my wound!
Tell us what you're up to.
The banks! We're hitting
all the banks on Union.
- Dotty, stop.
- Please let go.
Dotty, that's against the law.
I am the law.
What made you like this?
All right, Charles.
We gotta stop them.
- We can't.
- That's in the wrong direction.
- That's away from Amy.
- But it's near the hospital.
We can pedal down there,
stop the robberies,
and then I'll meet her
at First Presbyterian.
- That's perfect.
- Okay,
so I didn't find my other shoe,
but I did meet Luis.
He told me he's Aquaman.
Bit of a stretch,
but welcome to the team, Luis!
Let's do it!
Okay, your contractions
are three minutes apart.
It's officially time to go
to the hospital.
Not yet.
Do you know how thin
your cervix is right now?
Yeah, I'm worried, so I started
reading the book
I found on Jake's desk.
I do not want to be around
when page 53 happens!
Hank wants to know
if we can cut emergency power
to the third floor.
Let me talk to him.
Hey!
If you page 53 in front me,
our relationship
will never be the same.
Make sure you don't look
at page 214.
- What?
- Why?
Mosey forward,
name in lights, butt pop.
Comb your hair.
Now typing motion, pull it back.
Jump forward, pelvic pump.
You got it!
Now, all we need to do
is run it all together
and do it at full speed.
I must say, Jeffords,
this dancing
is quite distracting.
I've completely forgotten
that we're trapped here
in this death box
inspected by Bozo Beverly
between clown shows.
- You know what, sir?
- I don't think
you are thrusting
your butt enough
before the name in lights.
- Yes, yes.
- I felt that.
God, I love that note.
Back to the top.
I'll count us in.
Five, six, seven, eight.
NYPD, put your hands in the air!
You're under arrest.
We'll read you your rights
on the Pedal Pub.
Charles?
Come on, put on the zip-ties.
Move, move, move!
Hey, what's taking so long?
Look, I can do it safely
or I can do it quickly.
- Do it quickly.
- Oh, I can't do it quickly.
You called my bluff.
Oh, the lights are on.
We will never speak
of this again.
Status update: I called
in every officer I could.
I green-lit
double shifts and overtime.
We're coordinating with the 9-6
on traffic control.
We haven't processed anyone,
so there's a backlog of perps
on the third floor,
and I have to go to the hospital
because my water broke.
- You're having a baby?
- Amy, this is so wond...
We can just catch up
after the baby comes.
- Wait, wait, wait, stop!
- The power's back.
Oh, yuck, none of you are
cute with the lights fully on.
You wanna play mean girl, Kayla?
Two can play at that game.
Let's talk about your bangs.
Charles, not now,
I'm calling Amy.
- Jake?
- Hey, Ames,
I'm so sorry we're
not there yet,
but a guy fell down the stairs,
and then the old lady
shot a perp
and then we stopped
a bank robbery...
- And I lost my shoe.
- And Kayla lost her shoe,
but we're almost
to the hospital.
Are you there yet?
What room are you in?
The break room.
- What?
- Why?
- There isn't enough time.
- I have to have the baby here.
But me and my crazy crew
made it to the hospital.
That's our birth story!
Screw your birth story,
just get here!
You're giving birth
at the precinct?
- Is that safe?
- It's gonna be okay.
There's a bunch
of firefighters here.
Right, and they're basically
just glorified EMTs
that live together
and sleep in bunk beds.
Jake, she's gonna be okay.
I just don't think
she can talk right now.
Okay, just tell her
that I love her
and that I'll get there
as fast as I can.
Hey, Amy, can we have a second?
Joe, I'm kind of in the
middle of something,
you [bleep]!
- Oh yeah?
- Well [bleep] yourself!
- All right, all right.
- Just come.
We have something to show you.
You made me a birthing suite?
We've been napping at work
for 20 years.
We know how to create
a relaxing space
in a police station.
- Gurney.
- Fire blankets.
Night stick for back massage.
- Soothing lighting.
- AKA Scully's fart candles.
I'm sorry I said
you were worthless
in an emergency.
You two really came through.
It's just nice to have a win
after what we
went through today.
So many deviled eggs were lost,
and for what?
Hey, hey,
you can't focus on that.
There were hundreds of
meatballs that were eaten
- because of you!
- I could've eaten more.
- Just one more!
- Guys?
Not now, Amy.
How am I going to get back
to the precinct?
This thing is way too slow.
Not if we all band together
and pedal like hell.
It's not gonna happen, Charles.
Dotty's asleep,
Kayla's flirting with Luis,
and Briana's peeing
in a trash can.
That's illegal, Briana.
Oh, you know you love it.
I'm gonna miss
the birth of my son.
No, you're not.
Look, I didn't want
to have to do this,
but there is someone I can call.
Who?
Hello, Peanut Butter.
I know we don't see eye-to-eye.
But we gotta put that behind us
because my friend here...
Charles,
the horse was a great idea
but we don't have time for you
to have
a heart-to-heart with it.
Sorry, I'm just
very emotional, Jake.
Take care of my friend,
you four-legged bastard!
You know, now that I'm up here,
I realize I don't know
how to ride a horse.
It's probably pretty
self-explanatory, right?
- Yah!
- Oh, no!
Move! Everyone move, I don't
know how to ride a horse!
- Okay, Amy.
- I know you're in a lot of pain,
but we don't have any meds here.
You just gotta try
not to focus on it.
- Can you distract her?
- I got this.
Hey, Amy, they come out
with any new binders recently?
I don't want to talk
about binders, Rosa.
All right, that was my big gun.
She's just gonna feel this.
Not necessarily.
I was just checking to see
if there was anything
we could do to help.
And I hate to say it,
but I think there is.
Oh, you think he's gonna
get me drugs from evidence?
Uh, no.
Something way weirder
is happening.
Hit it, Jeffords.
♪ Ah, push it ♪
♪ Ah, push it ♪
♪ Get up on this ♪
♪ Ah, push it ♪
I am definitely distracted.
Oh, God, oh, God,
oh, God, oh, God.
- I can see the head.
- Rosa, get over here.
I'm gonna need
a second set of hands.
No, no, no,
she really doesn't wanna
be down on that end.
- No, it's okay.
- I got this.
I can close my eyes, right?
- Keep them open.
- Oh, damn it.
Just keep pushing,
you're almost there.
Oh, but Jake's not here yet.
Yes I am! I'm here.
- Oh, Jake.
- I can't believe I made it.
I'm gonna see the birth of my...
We're on page 53!
Babe, we're on page 53.
I know!
I rode a horse.
Well, we did it, Ames.
We made
the world's hottest baby.
Say cute, Jake,
- Nope.
- This kid is liquid fire.
Crazy to think that
in just 17 short years
he's gonna be 6'7"
and the number one draft pick
for the Knicks.
Aw, and that he's gonna
pass up that opportunity
to pursue his true passion...
library sciences.
Well the important thing is,
we'll support him
no matter what.
Hmm.
Even if he's a huge, huge, nerd.
Especially then.
Are we gonna be okay at this?
I mean, this entire day
felt like a warning
from the universe.
I almost missed the birth,
we had our baby at the precinct,
a firefighter touched our child.
- You washed him off?
- Yeah, but I'll always know.
Babe, we talked about this.
Everyone balances work and kids.
Yeah, but everyone's not a cop.
True, but...
when our son wants to hear
about the day he was born,
we get to tell him that his dad
helped a bunch of people
and foiled a bank robbery.
Guess that was kind of cool.
And his mom managed
a city-wide emergency
while actually giving birth.
I'm proud for our son
to have you as a dad.
Me too.
For you to be the mom.
I wasn't just agreeing with the
nice thing you said about me.
I love you.
Love you too.
Oh, my God, he's beautiful.
Oh, Jake, he's got your face.
Charles, meet Mac.
Short for McClane.
- As in Shirley?
- I love it.
No, as in John,
from "Die Hard."
I mean,
they're both incredibly cool.
Only one Oscar winner.
Thanks for getting Jake
there in time.
Oh, don't thank me.
The real hero is Lieutenant
Peanut Butter.
No, it was all you, Charles.
Or should I say...
- Uncle Charles.
- Chee-Chee.
Don't ruin this moment
for yourself.
Uncle Charles it is.
- How's he doing?
- He's perfect.
- I see you changed.
- Oh yeah.
That other outfit had a lot
of afterbirth on it.
Also during-birth and pre-birth.
The point is I burned it.
Thanks for staying by my side.
I know it wasn't easy for you.
- It was worth it.
- I'm Auntie Ro-Ro.
- She gets to be Ro-Ro?
- Incredible.
I've thrown seven years
away for this.
Captain, Lieutenant,
the dance was great,
and it really helped, thank you.
Dance? What dance?
She doesn't know
what she's talking about.
Mommy brain much?
Captain Holt and I did
a hip-hop dance routine.
Oh.
I see.
You know what?
I don't even care
that I missed it,
because right now,
I am holding my son,
and there's nothing
more important
in the world than that.
I have a video,
if you wanna see it.
- Amy, hold this baby.
- Rosa, give me that phone.
Give me that phone.
Everyone wash your hands.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.
Fremulon.
patrolling 7th avenue,
please be aware of the new
pedal pubs.
They're bike-powered mobile bars
that are very popular
with bachelorette parties.
But unfortunately they have
led to a dramatic increase
in the rarely seen case
of female public urination.
- Resist.
- That's everything,
but before we go home,
but quick reminder that today
is Sergeant Santiago's last day
before maternity leave.
We'll see you in three months.
- She gets three months off?
- Can I take a maternity leave?
Are you giving birth to a baby?
I'm having a seven pound mass
removed from my abdomen
next week.
Yeah, never ask
Scully questions.
That's on me, guys!
Dismissed.
So, have you guys decided
on a name yet?
We're not telling people
until he's born.
Not the baby's name... my name.
What's he gonna call me?
Uncle Chuck? Unky C? Ooh...
Chee-Chee, so he says it early?
Maybe just Charles.
Wait, so my dad gets to be
his "Pop-Pop,"
but I'm just "Charles?"
Your dad does not get
to be his "Pop-Pop."
Well I hope you're prepared
to make that phone call.
Uh, what was that?
Wow, all of Brooklyn lost power.
You know, I've always
kind of liked blackouts.
Listen to how quiet it is.
It's so peaceful.
Nope, it immediately
turned into a purge.
Way to go, New York.
All right, let's suit up!
Maybe it's not so bad out there.
I mean, none of our phone
are ringing.
That's because all
the cell towers are down.
Nobody has landlines anymore,
so they can't call in.
Huh, really makes you think
about society's reliance
on modern technology,
doesn't it?
- No.
- Yeah, me neither.
I just thought maybe
that's how you see it.
Guys, stop wasting time.
Headlamps on!
We have to engage
in blackout protocol.
I'm surprised, those guys are
really springing into action.
Nope, they're just eating all
the food in the fridge
before it goes bad.
There's a dozen sandwiches
here, I don't know what kind.
I'll figure it out later.
Just start chewing.
Yeah, they suck.
So, only Captain Holt or Terry
can initiate
actual blackout protocol,
but I don't see them anywhere.
- Guys?
- Where did our dads go?
Hello? Anyone?
We're stuck in the elevator!
Can't you yell any louder?
Use those big strong lungs
you're always flexing.
These are my pecs.
So this is all just
for show then.
It has no functional purpose.
I mean, I am pretty strong.
Good, then rip those doors open.
- I can't do that.
- Oh, well at least you haven't
dedicated a significant
portion of your life
to looking like this.
- What is with you?
- I'm sorry.
This is a nightmare of mine.
I have a phobia of elevators.
It stems from a traumatic
experience I had as a child.
They only perform
rated-load testing
on city elevators
every five years?
Oh, my.
That was the last time I read
the municipal code before bed.
But...
the damage was done.
Wait, look at this, sir.
I think we'll be fine.
It was inspected
four months ago.
By Walter Beverly,
the clown prince
of the Department of Buildings.
You've made it so much worse.
Help!
Help!
Yeah, they're trapped in there.
Oh no, that means
we have to call
the fire department.
Or, hear me out,
we leave them in there forever,
and move on emotionally.
- No.
- Call the fire department.
All right,
as the highest ranking officer
not trapped in a box,
I'll take charge.
Uh, shouldn't you
be taking it easy?
Your shift's over.
You're on maternity leave.
As the baby's Chee-Chee...
Charles, I'm fine,
and this is an emergency.
Subways aren't running,
and we're gonna have
a lot of people on the street.
So I'm gonna call
Mounted Division
to help with crowd control.
But that's
Sergeant Peanut Butter's unit.
No one wants to work with that
condescending dick.
Okay, first of all,
he's a horse,
so he can't be condescending.
Ugh, oh-ho, he's got you
people fooled.
Secondly...
- He's a lieutenant now.
- What?! How?!
- Charles, get it together.
- I want you and Jake
to go to
the Gowanus power substation.
That's where
the transformer exploded.
Work with ESU,
get us a timetable
for the power being restored,
and hurry!
Wow, look at my pregnant wife
taking charge.
I don't know whether
to be proud or turned on.
- I said hurry.
- Oh, my God, it's both.
Hey, what happened?
Someone lost control
of their car,
jumped the curb,
went through the fence,
and rammed into the transformer.
Guy must have been drunk.
There was an empty bottle
of vodka on the floor
of the car.
Okay, Charles,
I see two possibilities.
One, he was vaporized
into a being
of pure electricity,
becoming a supervillian
known only as
"The Surge Freak."
- Seems unlikely.
- Yeah, I know, Officer Rick,
that's why I said there were
two possibilities.
He probably just hobbled off
so he wouldn't get a DUI.
Here, we'll follow this very
obvious trail of blood.
Happy now?
Stupid Officer Rick
and his stupid
joyless approach to life.
Come on.
- I can't see anything.
- Me neither.
We'll just have to rely
on our other senses.
I call smell.
Okay, really jumped on that one.
I wasn't gonna fight you
for smell.
I figured we'd just
listen for sounds.
Pfft, good luck with that.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- How's it going over there?
You hearing anything?
Yeah, I'm hearing you
and your creepy sniffs.
Really? Well I'm smelling
a lot of jealousy
coming from your direction.
- Sound to the left.
- Smell to the left.
NYPD, hands up!
Oh, yeah, we got him.
Charles.
Aw, this ice cream is melting.
- Who cares?
- We can drink melted ice cream.
We can't eat spoiled ham.
We have to prioritize!
What if we combine them?
Wrap the ice cream
in the ham like a taquito.
- This man.
- This man is my best friend.
You two are the worst people
to have around in an emergency.
I literally can't
imagine a scenario
where you'd be helpful.
- Murder at a Cinnabon.
- Who would you call?
Someone who wouldn't
be distracted by the frosting.
Yeah, I do love that frosting.
Hey Diaz, heard you guys
needed help
- from some real heroes.
- Please.
Firefighters are basically
just EMTs who all live together
- and sleep in bunk beds.
- Correction.
It's a professional,
multi-tiered,
shared sleeping set-up.
You're describing bunk beds.
Just get the people
out of the elevator.
We should have all ambulances
on call.
I want an open line
of communication with DOT,
and I want someone
from the DA down here
so we don't get cases
thrown out.
I need a pair of sweatpants,
and check again
on that status update from ESU.
All right, go go go!
What do you need
the sweatpants for?
My water just broke,
which reminds me,
we should be prepared
to distribute
emergency water and food.
Your water just broke?!
We need to go to a hospital
right now.
I don't want a burst happening
around me.
It's way too gross.
I'm nowhere near giving birth.
I haven't even lost
my mucus plug.
Amy, you need to get
the [bleep] out of here.
I'm sorry my baby
grosses you out, Rosa.
I'm excited to meet your baby
when it's clean
and wearing clothes,
and not blasting out of you
like some half-Cuban
Jimmy Neutron.
I'm just at the start
of my labor.
I haven't even had my first
contrac...
- ...tion.
- Was that a contraction?
No.
That was just a crazy yawn.
Fine, look... I don't have to go
to the hospital
until my contractions
are three minutes apart and last
for at least 45 seconds.
Yeah, but don't you need to
go home and pack some stuff?
I'll be fine.
Scully, you have a hospital
go-bag at your desk, right?
- Yep, what do you need?
- One-day, three-day, coma kit?
I rest my case.
- Peralta, you there?
- Yeah, what's up?
You gotta get back here
right now.
Amy's water broke.
- What?
- What?
- When?
- When?
- Did she lose her mucus plug?
- Did she lose her mucus plug?
I can't believe you're
making me say this, but
she thinks she lost
her mucus plug yesterday,
but mistook it
for normal discharge.
- How thick was it?
- Was it clear or milky?
- Was it bloody?
- Was it "the bloody show?"
Jake, I think it's very cool
that you've learned this,
very progressive.
Charles, I think you know
you crossed a line.
Just get back here, now!
- Copy.
- This is it.
My purpose is clear.
I was put on this Earth
to get you back in time
to see your baby's birth.
I mean, you're a grown man
with your own hopes and dreams.
My purpose is clear.
- Okay.
- Excuse me,
my apartment is
on the seventh floor,
and the elevator isn't working.
I'm getting cold.
Well, we're headed back
to our precinct.
There's emergency power
if you want to wait there
for the lights to come back on.
I'll get in back.
I'm Dorothy, but my friends
call me Dotty.
Although these days there
are fewer and fewer of them.
- Charles?
- Uh, this is great, Dotty,
but we're kind of in a hurry.
My wife just went into labor
and I want to get there
- in time for the birth.
- Why?
The only man in the room
should be the doctor.
- Okay.
- All the dad needs to do
is to make the money
and have a nice, thick belt
for when it's time to teach
him a lesson.
My dad hit me with a belt.
Soon as I got big enough,
I shot him.
Wow, what a fun group for this,
the most important day
of my life.
Don't worry,
fire department's on the job.
- Hear that, Jeffords?
- We're gonna die in here.
We're marked for death!
Okay, calm down, I have an idea.
When my parents would fight
and my dad got scary,
I would take
my little brother upstairs
and to distract him,
I'd teach him dance moves.
What kind of dance moves?
Mostly '80s hip-hop.
He loved Salt-N-Pepa.
No, I won't be doing that.
Salt and pepper, you say?
- Ugh, we haven't moved.
- Why is there so much traffic?
Stupid Uber, New York used to
be a paradise of open road.
Try the siren again.
In my day,
people respected police.
They respect us;
they just have nowhere to go.
God knows they won't go back
to their own country.
Dotty, I really wish you
weren't such a big part
- of my son's birth story.
- We should walk.
It's only 27 blocks,
it's gotta be faster than this.
I mean,
it's a little bit faster.
Is it? Hey, Dotty,
just weighing our options here.
Have you ever been worn
like a backpack?
Okay, okay, you take the perp
back to the precinct.
I'll stay here with her,
Are you sure?
Just remember to tell your son
what Chee-Chee did here tonight.
How you feeling about Chee-Chee
having said it out loud
a few times?
I am loving it!
Help, help!
- Jake, we don't have time.
- We'll call it in.
Let someone else handle it.
No, we can't ignore
a cry for help.
We can handcuff him
to the railing
Dotty, call out
if you need anything.
I'd feel safer
if you just shot him.
Dotty, no.
We're not gonna shoot him!
Hey, what's the update from OEM
about the power coming back on?
- Yeah, they're working on it.
- So, listen,
I've been timing
your contractions.
- What?
- How?
I've been hiding them so well.
No, you have not.
There's too much radio chatter.
Let's try to keep non-emergency
communications down to a...
minimum.
They're happening
every five minutes
and they're lasting 20 seconds.
Your baby's coming.
It's still not active labor.
Don't worry!
I'm not gonna have the baby
here and get placenta
all over your desk
or whatever it is
that you're afraid of.
Wait, is placenta something
that can get all over?
Actually, technically...
You know what, don't answer
that, I don't wanna know.
I promise I will go
to the hospital as soon as...
- Amy, just make the noise.
- You're not fooling anybody.
NYPD, you called for help?
Yes, my neighbor fell
down the stairs.
I think he hit his head
real bad.
Ah. It's a concussion,
for sure.
All right, we'll bring him
with us to the precinct.
Someone can help him there.
- That'll slow us down.
- Yeah, but we should
still make it as long as
nothing else goes wrong.
- Oh, fun.
- Loud gunshots.
- What happened?
- She shot me!
She shot me in the leg.
- You made a sudden motion.
- I sneezed!
Okay, Dotty,
what do you have a gun for?
To protect myself.
Cops are all wimps now.
My wife is having a baby
and I have to be there
to brush her hair.
I wasn't gonna brush her hair.
You weren't?
All right, look,
Dotty, you're under arrest.
- Jake, we gotta go.
- I can't walk on this leg.
Great, then we're stuck here.
We're never gonna make
it back to the precinct.
- Yeah we are.
- I have an idea.
- Pedal Pub coming through!
- I'm on my way, Amy!
Thanks for letting us hijack
your bachelorette party.
Oh, it's what we do.
We're, like, so random.
Yeah, in Red Bank,
where we're from,
everyone's like,
"Uh-oh, here comes trouble."
Wait, we have to stop.
- No, no, no... no stopping.
- Why are we stopping?
I lost both my shoes back there.
I gotta go find them.
Update.
I still have one shoe on,
but I think I broke my ankle.
But I'm gonna still try
to find the other one.
Guys, this is taking
way too long.
When she gets back,
we have to pedal faster.
Sorry, I have a gunshot wound
in my leg.
It didn't even hit bone,
you sissy.
Oh, if you're in pain,
here have some of this.
It's bubblegum flavored gin.
- I can't.
- I'm two years sober.
- What? No you're not.
- You got drunk
and crashed
into the power plant.
- Yeah, that was a relapse.
- I fell off the wagon.
Okay, so you're clearly
lying, which means...
you planted the bottle of vodka.
Which means the crash
wasn't an accident.
And you caused the blackout
on purpose, why?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
I just drank too much
and that was...
She's fingering my wound!
Tell us what you're up to.
The banks! We're hitting
all the banks on Union.
- Dotty, stop.
- Please let go.
Dotty, that's against the law.
I am the law.
What made you like this?
All right, Charles.
We gotta stop them.
- We can't.
- That's in the wrong direction.
- That's away from Amy.
- But it's near the hospital.
We can pedal down there,
stop the robberies,
and then I'll meet her
at First Presbyterian.
- That's perfect.
- Okay,
so I didn't find my other shoe,
but I did meet Luis.
He told me he's Aquaman.
Bit of a stretch,
but welcome to the team, Luis!
Let's do it!
Okay, your contractions
are three minutes apart.
It's officially time to go
to the hospital.
Not yet.
Do you know how thin
your cervix is right now?
Yeah, I'm worried, so I started
reading the book
I found on Jake's desk.
I do not want to be around
when page 53 happens!
Hank wants to know
if we can cut emergency power
to the third floor.
Let me talk to him.
Hey!
If you page 53 in front me,
our relationship
will never be the same.
Make sure you don't look
at page 214.
- What?
- Why?
Mosey forward,
name in lights, butt pop.
Comb your hair.
Now typing motion, pull it back.
Jump forward, pelvic pump.
You got it!
Now, all we need to do
is run it all together
and do it at full speed.
I must say, Jeffords,
this dancing
is quite distracting.
I've completely forgotten
that we're trapped here
in this death box
inspected by Bozo Beverly
between clown shows.
- You know what, sir?
- I don't think
you are thrusting
your butt enough
before the name in lights.
- Yes, yes.
- I felt that.
God, I love that note.
Back to the top.
I'll count us in.
Five, six, seven, eight.
NYPD, put your hands in the air!
You're under arrest.
We'll read you your rights
on the Pedal Pub.
Charles?
Come on, put on the zip-ties.
Move, move, move!
Hey, what's taking so long?
Look, I can do it safely
or I can do it quickly.
- Do it quickly.
- Oh, I can't do it quickly.
You called my bluff.
Oh, the lights are on.
We will never speak
of this again.
Status update: I called
in every officer I could.
I green-lit
double shifts and overtime.
We're coordinating with the 9-6
on traffic control.
We haven't processed anyone,
so there's a backlog of perps
on the third floor,
and I have to go to the hospital
because my water broke.
- You're having a baby?
- Amy, this is so wond...
We can just catch up
after the baby comes.
- Wait, wait, wait, stop!
- The power's back.
Oh, yuck, none of you are
cute with the lights fully on.
You wanna play mean girl, Kayla?
Two can play at that game.
Let's talk about your bangs.
Charles, not now,
I'm calling Amy.
- Jake?
- Hey, Ames,
I'm so sorry we're
not there yet,
but a guy fell down the stairs,
and then the old lady
shot a perp
and then we stopped
a bank robbery...
- And I lost my shoe.
- And Kayla lost her shoe,
but we're almost
to the hospital.
Are you there yet?
What room are you in?
The break room.
- What?
- Why?
- There isn't enough time.
- I have to have the baby here.
But me and my crazy crew
made it to the hospital.
That's our birth story!
Screw your birth story,
just get here!
You're giving birth
at the precinct?
- Is that safe?
- It's gonna be okay.
There's a bunch
of firefighters here.
Right, and they're basically
just glorified EMTs
that live together
and sleep in bunk beds.
Jake, she's gonna be okay.
I just don't think
she can talk right now.
Okay, just tell her
that I love her
and that I'll get there
as fast as I can.
Hey, Amy, can we have a second?
Joe, I'm kind of in the
middle of something,
you [bleep]!
- Oh yeah?
- Well [bleep] yourself!
- All right, all right.
- Just come.
We have something to show you.
You made me a birthing suite?
We've been napping at work
for 20 years.
We know how to create
a relaxing space
in a police station.
- Gurney.
- Fire blankets.
Night stick for back massage.
- Soothing lighting.
- AKA Scully's fart candles.
I'm sorry I said
you were worthless
in an emergency.
You two really came through.
It's just nice to have a win
after what we
went through today.
So many deviled eggs were lost,
and for what?
Hey, hey,
you can't focus on that.
There were hundreds of
meatballs that were eaten
- because of you!
- I could've eaten more.
- Just one more!
- Guys?
Not now, Amy.
How am I going to get back
to the precinct?
This thing is way too slow.
Not if we all band together
and pedal like hell.
It's not gonna happen, Charles.
Dotty's asleep,
Kayla's flirting with Luis,
and Briana's peeing
in a trash can.
That's illegal, Briana.
Oh, you know you love it.
I'm gonna miss
the birth of my son.
No, you're not.
Look, I didn't want
to have to do this,
but there is someone I can call.
Who?
Hello, Peanut Butter.
I know we don't see eye-to-eye.
But we gotta put that behind us
because my friend here...
Charles,
the horse was a great idea
but we don't have time for you
to have
a heart-to-heart with it.
Sorry, I'm just
very emotional, Jake.
Take care of my friend,
you four-legged bastard!
You know, now that I'm up here,
I realize I don't know
how to ride a horse.
It's probably pretty
self-explanatory, right?
- Yah!
- Oh, no!
Move! Everyone move, I don't
know how to ride a horse!
- Okay, Amy.
- I know you're in a lot of pain,
but we don't have any meds here.
You just gotta try
not to focus on it.
- Can you distract her?
- I got this.
Hey, Amy, they come out
with any new binders recently?
I don't want to talk
about binders, Rosa.
All right, that was my big gun.
She's just gonna feel this.
Not necessarily.
I was just checking to see
if there was anything
we could do to help.
And I hate to say it,
but I think there is.
Oh, you think he's gonna
get me drugs from evidence?
Uh, no.
Something way weirder
is happening.
Hit it, Jeffords.
♪ Ah, push it ♪
♪ Ah, push it ♪
♪ Get up on this ♪
♪ Ah, push it ♪
I am definitely distracted.
Oh, God, oh, God,
oh, God, oh, God.
- I can see the head.
- Rosa, get over here.
I'm gonna need
a second set of hands.
No, no, no,
she really doesn't wanna
be down on that end.
- No, it's okay.
- I got this.
I can close my eyes, right?
- Keep them open.
- Oh, damn it.
Just keep pushing,
you're almost there.
Oh, but Jake's not here yet.
Yes I am! I'm here.
- Oh, Jake.
- I can't believe I made it.
I'm gonna see the birth of my...
We're on page 53!
Babe, we're on page 53.
I know!
I rode a horse.
Well, we did it, Ames.
We made
the world's hottest baby.
Say cute, Jake,
- Nope.
- This kid is liquid fire.
Crazy to think that
in just 17 short years
he's gonna be 6'7"
and the number one draft pick
for the Knicks.
Aw, and that he's gonna
pass up that opportunity
to pursue his true passion...
library sciences.
Well the important thing is,
we'll support him
no matter what.
Hmm.
Even if he's a huge, huge, nerd.
Especially then.
Are we gonna be okay at this?
I mean, this entire day
felt like a warning
from the universe.
I almost missed the birth,
we had our baby at the precinct,
a firefighter touched our child.
- You washed him off?
- Yeah, but I'll always know.
Babe, we talked about this.
Everyone balances work and kids.
Yeah, but everyone's not a cop.
True, but...
when our son wants to hear
about the day he was born,
we get to tell him that his dad
helped a bunch of people
and foiled a bank robbery.
Guess that was kind of cool.
And his mom managed
a city-wide emergency
while actually giving birth.
I'm proud for our son
to have you as a dad.
Me too.
For you to be the mom.
I wasn't just agreeing with the
nice thing you said about me.
I love you.
Love you too.
Oh, my God, he's beautiful.
Oh, Jake, he's got your face.
Charles, meet Mac.
Short for McClane.
- As in Shirley?
- I love it.
No, as in John,
from "Die Hard."
I mean,
they're both incredibly cool.
Only one Oscar winner.
Thanks for getting Jake
there in time.
Oh, don't thank me.
The real hero is Lieutenant
Peanut Butter.
No, it was all you, Charles.
Or should I say...
- Uncle Charles.
- Chee-Chee.
Don't ruin this moment
for yourself.
Uncle Charles it is.
- How's he doing?
- He's perfect.
- I see you changed.
- Oh yeah.
That other outfit had a lot
of afterbirth on it.
Also during-birth and pre-birth.
The point is I burned it.
Thanks for staying by my side.
I know it wasn't easy for you.
- It was worth it.
- I'm Auntie Ro-Ro.
- She gets to be Ro-Ro?
- Incredible.
I've thrown seven years
away for this.
Captain, Lieutenant,
the dance was great,
and it really helped, thank you.
Dance? What dance?
She doesn't know
what she's talking about.
Mommy brain much?
Captain Holt and I did
a hip-hop dance routine.
Oh.
I see.
You know what?
I don't even care
that I missed it,
because right now,
I am holding my son,
and there's nothing
more important
in the world than that.
I have a video,
if you wanna see it.
- Amy, hold this baby.
- Rosa, give me that phone.
Give me that phone.
Everyone wash your hands.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.
Fremulon.