Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 12 - Episode #7.12 - full transcript
Can you believe this, Scully?
Looks like we're
the only responsible people
who show up on time anymore.
And they're always calling us
lazy, but where are they now?
- I don't see them.
- They're not here.
- But you know who is?
- Hitchcock and Scully.
The oafs - The bozos.
- The...
- Idiots!
What are you doing here?
The building's being fumigated.
There were so many emails.
There were? We didn't...
- Lightweight.
- That's your takeaway?
It just doesn't seem
like he should be that fast
for how big he is
Gah, I hate Wario.
Peralta, my office.
Oh, Kevin's here
And you both look so upset.
Oh, no, did they stop
funding the arts?
They did, but that doesn't
matter anymore.
Nothing does
Cheddar has been kidnapped.
- Someone took our fluffy boy.
- Oh, my God.
What happened?
Well, Cheddar and I walked
to the bakery together,
we shared a plain scone
Then we went to the park,
and I let him off leash
He never came back.
- Someone took our fluffy boy.
- Right, you mentioned that.
Now, just to be clear,
you didn't actually see someone
take him, right?
So there's a chance
Cheddar just ran away.
- You know like some dogs do.
- Cheddar isn't some dog.
He would never do that
Someone took our...
Fluffy boy, yes, I understand
I need you to drop everything.
Nothing in the world
is important to me as this dog
I wouldn't say nothing.
For example,
you and I are very close.
- We don't have time for this.
- Okay.
In kidnappings, the first
48 hours are the most crucial.
Right, and in dog years,
that's only seven hours.
- Why would you say that?
- This is why everyone
- prefers that dog to you.
- Everyone?
Okay, look, I'm just saying
that before we jump
to any conclusions.
We should consider the fact
that there's no actual proof
that someone kidnapped Cheddar.
It's a text It reads,
"I have kidnapped your dog"
I see Well, that seems
like pretty hard proof.
That's good Good proof.
- Whoa?
- What?
Oh, sorry, didn't see you there.
Yeah, that was clear
What's going on?
- Why you dork dancing?
- A baby store in Dumbo
is having a contest
to win a Snoog.
Who or what is a Snoog?
- Are you kidding me?
- It's only the best roller.
It has the versatility
of Sporjule,
the safety rating of a Fajerb,
and an even smoother ride
than the Kinderbuscht.
Are you having a stroke?
All the best strollers
are from Scandinavia,
where they don't hate people
for having children
I saw "Midsommar".
Those people have
their own problems.
A Snoog is my dream stroller,
but it's way too expensive.
What's the contest?
It's an endurance competition.
Everyone has to stand
with one hand on the stroller,
and if you let go, you're out.
Last person holding on wins.
Sounds painful Can I come?
Aww For moral support?
Sure That.
Okay, sir,
the kidnapper should be calling
with his demands any minute.
If we trace his location,
we can find your fuzzy boy.
Not fuzzy He's fluffy.
We don't know
what he is anymore.
He could be fuzzy,
he could be anything
Raymond, he could be scruffy.
Now you've upset Kevin
I hope you're happy.
Why would I be happy?
I clearly just mixed up
fuzzy and fluffy.
"Just?" You're fired
I want your shield
and your piece.
- That seems a little extreme.
- Jake is right.
- Thank you, Kevin.
- Just suspend him without pay.
Why did you ask for my help?
He's calling - Sir, remember,
we need two minutes
for the trace.
Two minutes, understood.
So just keep him talking
and stay calm.
Peralta,
I'm in complete control.
- Hello?
- Shut your damn mouth
- I'm the one talking here.
- Then this is over.
And he hung up.
Well, that could've gone better.
Come on, Terry
You can pick up that paper.
No, forget it
It's only a first offence.
Is everything okay, Lieutenant?
You've been groaning all morning
I'm sore from my workout
My muscles hurt so bad.
Look Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Come with me, friend
I have exactly what you need.
Bone broth!
It's an old Boyle family recipe
I drink it after every workout,
and I'm never sore.
Boyle, I don't think
we're maxing out
at the same weight at the gym.
Oh, Terry, they're just numbers.
You'll get there.
Hey, there you are, and oh,
my God what is happening?
I've gotten mad,
and now I'm getting even.
Okay, look, Sir,
I know you're upset,
but you need to stay calm and
treat this like any other case
I mean, I can't believe
I'm gonna say this,
but now is not the time
to go all John Wick.
Who's that? A friend of yours?
I wish,
but he's not a real person.
He's a movie assassin
that goes nuts
when someone messes with his dog.
Then call me "John Wicks,"
'cause I'm about to go nuts.
It's "Wick," singular,
and you already did go nuts.
It cost us the trace, remember?
Look, I need you to focus.
The kidnapper texted his demands.
How much does the bastard
want for my little doggy?
Oh, that's just it
He doesn't want money.
He requested all the files
we worked from May 2004.
It's a lead.
He's gotta be connected
to one of those cases somehow.
Interesting.
You know what else
is interesting?
- Hmm?
- Grenades.
Just please, stop it
I'm gonna take Kevin
to the park where Cheddar was
kidnapped and look for clues
I need you to stay here,
go through those files,
and put together a list
of potential suspects.
- Can you do that?
- Okay, fine
- I'll go through the files.
- Great.
You realize I can't leave
until you put
the grenades back, right?
Oh, but you let John Wicks
have grenades?
It's "Wick" Singular.
Just put 'em back.
Okay, Kevin, we need
to recreate your morning
and see
if we can find some clues.
All right, Cheddar and I entered
on the east side of the park
over past those trees...
Oh, how he loved those trees
Jake, I don't know
if I can do this.
Yeah, you can do this,
I'm right here with you.
We're gonna get through it
together.
Now let's go -
Oh, hey, Kev, bud,
couldn't help but notice
that when I said, "let's go,"
you didn't go.
You stayed here
and stared at that bench.
Cheddar loved benches.
He'd run up to them
Sniff their legs.
Paw at them with his...
Paws, sure,
that's what you paw with.
I'm sorry This is impossible.
Everything I see
reminds me of Cheddar.
The grass, the asphalt,
squirrels...
- Cheddar loved squirrels.
- Oh, stop.
He loves to chase them
I suppose I should say loved.
He'd never get there He's like...
Eeyh, Kevin, stop, all right?
We need to get over to that
gate and recreate your morning,
and if seeing all these things
is too much,
- then just focus only on me.
- Okay.
All right,
stare straight into my eyes.
Very good, I will stare
straight into your eyes.
Okay Oh, wow.
Piercing
Huh, okay, so let's do this.
And we are heading to the east
gate, we're doing great.
This is working I can do this.
Here we go - I'm doing it.
- You're looking away.
- No, I'm not.
Stop looking away - I'm not.
- Don't look away.
- But I see leaves.
- No!
- Cheddar loved
playing in leaves
Didn't matter what kind.
Oak, maple, elm.
Wait, I hate to cut you off,
but look what I found.
Security camera.
Cheddar loved security cameras.
How is that possible?
Oh, Rosa, there she is
The Snoog!
Look at those sexy lines.
Oh, I just wanna get
behind that thing and push.
Aw, man, you're grossing me out.
What is Teddy doing here?
- Teddy?
- Oh, my gosh, hey Amy.
Right, boring ex-boyfriend
Teddy.
Hey, Teddy - Hey, Rosa.
- What are you doing here?
- You promised you would stop
showing up places
to propose to me.
Quit flattering yourself
I only did that four times.
Also, I'm taken now
I got married, last year,
in the spiciest little city
Phoenix It was very posh.
We served a flight
of large batch Pilsners
I don't know if you remember,
but I love...
- Pilsners.
- Yeah, we remember.
Yeah, long story short,
we're pregnant now,
and I'ma... I'ma try and win
this sexy little number.
Oh, God, is that
what I sound like?
Yep - Excuse me.
Are you here
for the competition?
Uh, yes, hi I'm Teddy Ramos.
Took my wife's last name
Very brave.
He's the worst.
Hi, I'm Amy Santiago
I am so sorry,
but pregnant women
aren't allowed to compete.
Not after what happened
last year.
Are you gonna say what happened?
It's part of the settlement
We can't.
Okay.
Well, uh, good news:
I'm not pregnant!
- I just had a huge lunch.
- I'm so sorry, I just can't.
All right, I'll compete for her.
What? You will?
But I know you think
these strollers are dumb.
They are, but I can't let
that boring bastard win.
So we decided to paint
the baby room white
I mean, you used to have sex
with him
I know.
Charles, this Boyle
bone broth is incredible
- I'm not sore at all anymore.
- I told you it works.
The Boyles used to drink it
during potato digging season
to keep everyone healthy
in the furrows.
You know, I bet we could sell
this stuff.
You really think so?
We can call our company
"The Bone Boys".
No! "More Bone, Less Moan".
No! "Workplace Bone Buds".
That's the one
I'm registering it.
Ewh, we can name
the company later.
Anyway, I know just who
to pitch this to.
My buddy who invented
Muscle Malt.
This is great!
We're the perfect partners.
When it comes to cooking,
you got me.
When it comes to being ripped,
you also have me.
And you have a little connection.
We're gonna be rich -
Sir, we're back.
Find anything in the case files?
Yes, most of them were
useless, but one caught my eye.
On May 15th, 2004 detectives
arrested Frank Kingston,
leader of the 16th Street Gang.
Thanks to the testimony
of confidential informant,
Kingston served 16 years
He just got out last month.
And you think he wants
the file to figure out
which one of his guys
turned on him to get revenge.
- It's a Vendetta.
- Vendetta.
Sure.
So now I know who the
sumbitch is who took my dog.
The only problem is,
I have no idea where
to find that sumbitch.
Well, Raymond, I think we can
help you find that sumbitch
Jake?
Sumbitch We all got to say it.
Let me show you what we found:
A security camera grabbed
some footage of Cheddar being
picked up and put into a car
which was registered to
an anonymous shell company
on Dean Street
We can be there in 15 minutes.
That's weird It's sunny outside.
Why's that weird?
Because a storm
is about to rain down
on that punk.
Oh, my God, I fell for it,
and I loved it.
All right, let's gear up
Kevin, you stay here,
and don't worry
We're gonna get your dog back.
So we did not get your dog back.
Unfortunately, he wasn't here
No, no, no
I think Captain Holt's
taking it really well.
So we'll see you soon.
Wow, five hours.
This is the most exciting
contest we've had.
Of course, the incident
last year was exciting,
but we all know how that ended.
No We don't.
Right Because of the gag order.
Are you sure you wanna
keep doing this, Rosa?
You really don't have to.
My feet hurt a little, but
I can go as long as it takes.
We're having a great time
back here
I was just telling
my buddy Reggie here
about this great salsa
that I make.
It's so mild you barely taste it.
That's it I can't take any more
I'm out - Bye, Reggie
I'll send you that article
about mailboxes.
- Please don't!
- Oh, my God,
Teddy is boring
people out of the competition,
and he doesn't even realize it
Can't let him get to you, Rosa.
It's fine, I can handle boring
We're friends.
Ooh, guys,
you will never believe
who I saw at Bush Gardens last
SUMMER: My neighbor.
Yeah? Just walking around.
The kidnapper said he would
call with drop instructions
- at 8:00 am It is now...
- 01.
Cheddar's dead.
Cheddar is not dead
It's just one minute.
Perhaps the kidnapper's watch
is slow.
Oh, dear God,
if his watch is slow,
there's no telling what else
this psychopath is capable of.
Raymond, Cheddar is fine
He's coming back to us,
and that is why I bought a new
GPS tag to put on his collar.
Thank you, Kevin.
At least some of us
are thinking clearly.
Yes, crystal clear
In fact I bought 5 GPS tags.
One for his collar
and one for each arm and leg
I'm going to make bracelets
to put them on,
and I'll never lose
my Cheddar again.
Okay, a little unsettling,
but I like your positivity.
Three minutes after 8:00.
This man is unhinged.
You said you'd call at 8:00
My watch is slow.
Put the files on a flash drive,
and have your husband bring it
to the 9th Street entrance
of Prospect Park at noon.
My husband? No
I'm not involving him in this
I'll bring them myself
I don't trust you
I told you not to look for me,
but you did.
Send your husband
or the deal is off.
Clearly, we're not doing this.
No, it's fine
We can just alter the files
and give him fakes.
He'll never know - It's not that.
It's that I refuse to put Kevin
in harm's way.
Understood,
but I think maybe I have a way
to put Kevin in danger
without putting Kevin in danger.
Well, hello there Raymond.
It's me, Kevin!
And I am
Detective Jacob Peralta.
We didn't have anything else
to wear so we just switched.
He understands.
Okay, if we're gonna pull
this off,
we need to teach you
how to move, talk, and act
exactly like Kevin.
In other words we have
a "Pygmalion" situation.
Exactly, a "pig mailman"
situation.
Raymond - It'll be okay.
- What'll be okay?
- Let's get started.
- Yes, let's get started!
- It's getting worse.
Spot on, Kevin.
Look, Raymond
A yellow crested warbler.
Look, Raymond
A yellow crested warbler.
No, you're too excited
The warbler's a common bird.
Ah - And then I said,
"Which 'Metamorphosis'?
Kafka or Ovid?"
He loves it.
He loves it -
So that's the joke
Now, you tell it.
Oh, okay,
so a professor walks in
to a rare books collection...
No, you've ruined it
Now it's not funny.
Look, Raymond
A yellow crested warbler.
Look, Raymond
A yellow crested warbler.
Ugh, not excited enough.
They may be common,
but they're still birds.
At the 92nd Street Y,
I had a wonderful symposium
on just that topic.
That's it You're getting it.
Ah, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool.
Don't say "cool,"
instead say "indeed".
Oh, indeed, indeed,
indeed, indeed, indeed.
It's weird.
Look, Raymond
A yellow crested warbler.
Yes!
That's the right level
of excitement for such a bird.
You captured
the essence of Kevin.
You've done it.
Correction,
I've accomplished it.
Indeed - Indeed.
Indeed, indeed, indeed.
Indeed, indeed, indeed,
indeed, indeed.
It's growing on me.
Oh, my God, Rosa
I can't believe
you're still here.
And I can't believe Teddy
looks so normal
I'm 'onna win you that Snoo
Slog.
Snat... whatever,
my brain is broken,
I haven't slept in 72 hours.
You've only been doing
the competition for one night
I mean, you're allowed
to not sleep for other reasons.
- Okay, I got you a coffee.
- Oh, thank you.
Just need to put my left hand
on the stroller.
My right hand grabs the cup
My mouth do the sippin'
What's happening?
My broken brain won't talk
to my body, so I'm doing it.
Blink.
Rosa, you don't have to do this.
You can stop - Snarl at Amy.
Teddy and I
are the only ones left
I'm 'onna win this
no matter how much he talks
about light rail systems.
Ooh, you should ride the one
in Akron, by the way.
Very little noise - Oh, my God.
Enough about light rails
Let's talk trams.
- Amusement parks get it.
- I can't, I can't, I can't.
If more cities adopted
amusement park
I can't, I can't.
Oh, put your hands
over your ears.
Oh no, wait, Rosa!
Hands are off We have a winner!
Me?
I won a stroller? Whoo-hoo!
Oh, I see what I did wrong.
It's okay
Come on, let's get you home.
Excuse me Amy.
You can have the stroller
for the right price.
Okay, how much?
Amy Santiago, will you marry me?
No!
Okay, I'm approaching
the drop site
I don't see anything unusual.
We have eyes on you.
Just be natural - Indeed, I will.
Oh, look,
a yellow crested warbler.
Very good.
He's calling Wait, Kevin,
we didn't go over
how you answer the phone.
There isn't time Just answer.
Okay.
You've reached
Professor Kevin Cozner.
Please start speaking
when I finish this sentence.
Pick up the book
on the bench and head south.
He hung up.
And he had me pick up a copy
of "The Tempest".
"Tempest?" Oh, no, Raymond.
Do you know what's happening
in the park today?
The Shakespeare Festival
which will be attended by...
Guys, I'm in a sea of Kevins.
Okay, between us,
I think we made enough broth.
Did you edit the presentation
like I asked?
You mean did I remove
the tasteful photos
of me stretching?
- They weren't tasteful!
- You were in a thong.
All right, Muscle Malt Kenneth
is on his way up.
Hey, I just wanna say,
no matter how this turns out,
it was really fun
working on this with you.
Aw, Terry,
it's gotta turn out well
- I invested $11,000 in it.
- $11,000?!
It only costs 30 bucks
to make the broth!
Yeah, but it cost $11,000
to buy the domain name
"workplacebonebudscom"
I am all in.
Boyle, why in the world
would you do that?
You are such a...
An amazing business partner
Kenneth, I'd like you to meet
my amazing business partner
Charles.
Hey - Hello
I'm excited to see
what you guys have here.
Well, take a sip
and feel the soreness
start to drain away.
Mmm.
It's good Very tasty.
Not only is it delicious,
it's high in amino acids,
and low in sodium.
Well, not exactly low in sodium.
It definitely has salt in it.
Not in the batch I made
I left it out
Terry doesn't like
to get all bloaty.
- You left out the salt?
- That stops the fermentation.
The salt keeps it stable.
- Oh, ah!
- God, what is happening?
They're all gonna blow!
Take cover!
So, uh, do we have a deal?
Still waiting
for instructions, over.
Wait, we don't have eyes on you.
- Kevin, do you see Jake?
- Yes, he's right there.
Oh, no,
that's a different gentlemen
wearing a handsome jacket
Everyone is so well dressed.
Peralta, head for
the north gate.
We're having trouble finding you.
All right, Professor, I'm
assuming you're wearing a wire.
A what? A... huh?
Ah, yes, a wire.
My husband asked me to wear that.
We lost comms
Something happened.
Cheddar! Uh, my fluffy boy!
I've missed you so.
All right, put up your hands
I'm gonna tap you down.
There's no need for that
I have the drive.
Just take it - Thanks
I'm still gonna pat you down.
Be my guest, but you're not
gonna find anything.
Here's a gun - Whoops.
- And another gun.
- I forgot about that one too.
So, the Professor's got
two guns on him,
and he's wearing a fake beard.
Oh, please don't rip it off
It hurts so much
I think the Professor's
actually a cop.
Something tells me
I should check that drive.
There's a laptop
in the front seat.
Get it If these files
aren't the real deal,
you and the dog are dead.
Oh, no need to worry
Because everything
is on the level
and will be completely fine.
Cheddar, go!
Go, boy!
Hey cop.
Would you like to buy a laptop?
There's no sign
of Peralta out here.
Did you hear anything
on the wire?
No, it never came back on
Do you think he's okay?
- Shh!
- What?
- Do you hear?
- Yes, I do.
That's the jingle
of Cheddar's collar.
And that's his bark!
Oh, that's our fluffy boy!
Good dog Good dog.
Oh, Mr Cheddar,
how I've missed you.
We both have
I'm putting that GPS tag
on your collar immediately.
Oh, damn it, it's not here
I'm wearing Peralta's pants.
Ugh, and now my hands are sticky.
Wait, Peralta's wearing
your pants which means...
- He doesn't have sticky hands.
- Yes, but also
he has the GPS tracker -
Hey, so, given the fact that
you haven't slept in forever,
I feel
like I should drive you home
I'm not going home
I'm going out.
What? Really?
- What is your life?
- It's pretty good actually.
Huh - By the way,
I'm sorry that I didn't win you
that stroller.
No, no, no, you were right
I don't need a Snoog.
It's way too fancy.
It is stupid - It's not stupid
I said you didn't need it
because I already bought you
a stroller
for your shower this weekend,
and it's just... isn't as fancy,
and I felt bad.
Rosa, I would love
any stroller you got me
- because it came from you.
- It's a Luftroller.
Oh, that is...
That is a great stroller
- I got you a gift receipt.
- Thank you so much
I cleaned up as much as I could,
but I think that couch
is gonna smell like bone broth
for a while.
So did you talk to your friend?
Any chance
he'll reconsider investing?
Yeah, that's not happening.
He said that was
the most scared he's ever been,
and he was on that plane
that landed on the Hudson
I guess that's it
I'm never gonna make
my $11,000 back.
Actually, I called
another guy from my gym.
He wants to buy the domain
workplacebonebudscom off of you.
That's amazing!
I can't believe you found
someone else
who runs a bone broth company
with a coworker.
What are the odds?
No, obviously he wants
to make a website
that helps people hook up
with their coworkers
I don't see it - Charles.
It's called workplacebonebudscom.
All I hear
is friendship and broth.
But yeah, I mean he wants
to burn his money,
I'll light the match
Yeah, tell him to call me.
His loss.
So what's your plan here,
Kingston?
You gonna torture me?
You gonna put my beard back on
and rip it off again?
No, I'm gonna cut off
each one of your fingers
until you tell me who the rat is
I see Well that's bad news,
because I don't know
who the rat is,
and I need all my fingers
if I'm gonna beat Wario.
- You can't beat Wario?
- You can?
- How do you do it?
- It's simple.
When he's approaching,
you just tap the...
Damn it!
- Motion detector!
- I'm sorry, what do you tap?
- Get up, let's go!
- Kingston!
What do you tap?
What do you tap?!
Split up! Cover the exits!
- Freeze!
- Captain!
- Captain!
- He's not getting away!
- He took my dog!
- Oh, my God.
It's happening!
Aah!
Oh, I see you have a knife.
But what you need is an umbrella.
Tell him why Tell him why!
'Cause there's a storm
gonna rain down on you, punk.
Ooh.
My goodness.
- Awh!
- Ooo-hoo-hoo!
You took the wrong fluffy boy!
He's done Cuff him.
Yes, sir.
That was the single coolest
thing that has ever happened.
Relax, Peralta.
That wasn't even the coolest
thing I've ever done.
What have you done
that's cooler?
It was the '80s
It was nothing, I mean,
they made a movie out of it,
but whatever.
What? What movie?
I don't remember the title.
Uh, there was a crime
on a plane, I was a passenger.
- Was it "Passenger 57?"
- I honestly don't know.
It had to have been
Just say it was that.
You know, Peralta,
sometimes I don't understand
the words
coming out of your mouth.
Oh, my God, was it "Rush Hour?"
What? No.
You know what?
I'm too old for this crap.
- It was "Lethal Weapon?!"
- Sir, are you Murtaugh?!
Does that make me Riggs?
I'm Riggs!
Fremulon.
Not a doctor Shh
Looks like we're
the only responsible people
who show up on time anymore.
And they're always calling us
lazy, but where are they now?
- I don't see them.
- They're not here.
- But you know who is?
- Hitchcock and Scully.
The oafs - The bozos.
- The...
- Idiots!
What are you doing here?
The building's being fumigated.
There were so many emails.
There were? We didn't...
- Lightweight.
- That's your takeaway?
It just doesn't seem
like he should be that fast
for how big he is
Gah, I hate Wario.
Peralta, my office.
Oh, Kevin's here
And you both look so upset.
Oh, no, did they stop
funding the arts?
They did, but that doesn't
matter anymore.
Nothing does
Cheddar has been kidnapped.
- Someone took our fluffy boy.
- Oh, my God.
What happened?
Well, Cheddar and I walked
to the bakery together,
we shared a plain scone
Then we went to the park,
and I let him off leash
He never came back.
- Someone took our fluffy boy.
- Right, you mentioned that.
Now, just to be clear,
you didn't actually see someone
take him, right?
So there's a chance
Cheddar just ran away.
- You know like some dogs do.
- Cheddar isn't some dog.
He would never do that
Someone took our...
Fluffy boy, yes, I understand
I need you to drop everything.
Nothing in the world
is important to me as this dog
I wouldn't say nothing.
For example,
you and I are very close.
- We don't have time for this.
- Okay.
In kidnappings, the first
48 hours are the most crucial.
Right, and in dog years,
that's only seven hours.
- Why would you say that?
- This is why everyone
- prefers that dog to you.
- Everyone?
Okay, look, I'm just saying
that before we jump
to any conclusions.
We should consider the fact
that there's no actual proof
that someone kidnapped Cheddar.
It's a text It reads,
"I have kidnapped your dog"
I see Well, that seems
like pretty hard proof.
That's good Good proof.
- Whoa?
- What?
Oh, sorry, didn't see you there.
Yeah, that was clear
What's going on?
- Why you dork dancing?
- A baby store in Dumbo
is having a contest
to win a Snoog.
Who or what is a Snoog?
- Are you kidding me?
- It's only the best roller.
It has the versatility
of Sporjule,
the safety rating of a Fajerb,
and an even smoother ride
than the Kinderbuscht.
Are you having a stroke?
All the best strollers
are from Scandinavia,
where they don't hate people
for having children
I saw "Midsommar".
Those people have
their own problems.
A Snoog is my dream stroller,
but it's way too expensive.
What's the contest?
It's an endurance competition.
Everyone has to stand
with one hand on the stroller,
and if you let go, you're out.
Last person holding on wins.
Sounds painful Can I come?
Aww For moral support?
Sure That.
Okay, sir,
the kidnapper should be calling
with his demands any minute.
If we trace his location,
we can find your fuzzy boy.
Not fuzzy He's fluffy.
We don't know
what he is anymore.
He could be fuzzy,
he could be anything
Raymond, he could be scruffy.
Now you've upset Kevin
I hope you're happy.
Why would I be happy?
I clearly just mixed up
fuzzy and fluffy.
"Just?" You're fired
I want your shield
and your piece.
- That seems a little extreme.
- Jake is right.
- Thank you, Kevin.
- Just suspend him without pay.
Why did you ask for my help?
He's calling - Sir, remember,
we need two minutes
for the trace.
Two minutes, understood.
So just keep him talking
and stay calm.
Peralta,
I'm in complete control.
- Hello?
- Shut your damn mouth
- I'm the one talking here.
- Then this is over.
And he hung up.
Well, that could've gone better.
Come on, Terry
You can pick up that paper.
No, forget it
It's only a first offence.
Is everything okay, Lieutenant?
You've been groaning all morning
I'm sore from my workout
My muscles hurt so bad.
Look Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Come with me, friend
I have exactly what you need.
Bone broth!
It's an old Boyle family recipe
I drink it after every workout,
and I'm never sore.
Boyle, I don't think
we're maxing out
at the same weight at the gym.
Oh, Terry, they're just numbers.
You'll get there.
Hey, there you are, and oh,
my God what is happening?
I've gotten mad,
and now I'm getting even.
Okay, look, Sir,
I know you're upset,
but you need to stay calm and
treat this like any other case
I mean, I can't believe
I'm gonna say this,
but now is not the time
to go all John Wick.
Who's that? A friend of yours?
I wish,
but he's not a real person.
He's a movie assassin
that goes nuts
when someone messes with his dog.
Then call me "John Wicks,"
'cause I'm about to go nuts.
It's "Wick," singular,
and you already did go nuts.
It cost us the trace, remember?
Look, I need you to focus.
The kidnapper texted his demands.
How much does the bastard
want for my little doggy?
Oh, that's just it
He doesn't want money.
He requested all the files
we worked from May 2004.
It's a lead.
He's gotta be connected
to one of those cases somehow.
Interesting.
You know what else
is interesting?
- Hmm?
- Grenades.
Just please, stop it
I'm gonna take Kevin
to the park where Cheddar was
kidnapped and look for clues
I need you to stay here,
go through those files,
and put together a list
of potential suspects.
- Can you do that?
- Okay, fine
- I'll go through the files.
- Great.
You realize I can't leave
until you put
the grenades back, right?
Oh, but you let John Wicks
have grenades?
It's "Wick" Singular.
Just put 'em back.
Okay, Kevin, we need
to recreate your morning
and see
if we can find some clues.
All right, Cheddar and I entered
on the east side of the park
over past those trees...
Oh, how he loved those trees
Jake, I don't know
if I can do this.
Yeah, you can do this,
I'm right here with you.
We're gonna get through it
together.
Now let's go -
Oh, hey, Kev, bud,
couldn't help but notice
that when I said, "let's go,"
you didn't go.
You stayed here
and stared at that bench.
Cheddar loved benches.
He'd run up to them
Sniff their legs.
Paw at them with his...
Paws, sure,
that's what you paw with.
I'm sorry This is impossible.
Everything I see
reminds me of Cheddar.
The grass, the asphalt,
squirrels...
- Cheddar loved squirrels.
- Oh, stop.
He loves to chase them
I suppose I should say loved.
He'd never get there He's like...
Eeyh, Kevin, stop, all right?
We need to get over to that
gate and recreate your morning,
and if seeing all these things
is too much,
- then just focus only on me.
- Okay.
All right,
stare straight into my eyes.
Very good, I will stare
straight into your eyes.
Okay Oh, wow.
Piercing
Huh, okay, so let's do this.
And we are heading to the east
gate, we're doing great.
This is working I can do this.
Here we go - I'm doing it.
- You're looking away.
- No, I'm not.
Stop looking away - I'm not.
- Don't look away.
- But I see leaves.
- No!
- Cheddar loved
playing in leaves
Didn't matter what kind.
Oak, maple, elm.
Wait, I hate to cut you off,
but look what I found.
Security camera.
Cheddar loved security cameras.
How is that possible?
Oh, Rosa, there she is
The Snoog!
Look at those sexy lines.
Oh, I just wanna get
behind that thing and push.
Aw, man, you're grossing me out.
What is Teddy doing here?
- Teddy?
- Oh, my gosh, hey Amy.
Right, boring ex-boyfriend
Teddy.
Hey, Teddy - Hey, Rosa.
- What are you doing here?
- You promised you would stop
showing up places
to propose to me.
Quit flattering yourself
I only did that four times.
Also, I'm taken now
I got married, last year,
in the spiciest little city
Phoenix It was very posh.
We served a flight
of large batch Pilsners
I don't know if you remember,
but I love...
- Pilsners.
- Yeah, we remember.
Yeah, long story short,
we're pregnant now,
and I'ma... I'ma try and win
this sexy little number.
Oh, God, is that
what I sound like?
Yep - Excuse me.
Are you here
for the competition?
Uh, yes, hi I'm Teddy Ramos.
Took my wife's last name
Very brave.
He's the worst.
Hi, I'm Amy Santiago
I am so sorry,
but pregnant women
aren't allowed to compete.
Not after what happened
last year.
Are you gonna say what happened?
It's part of the settlement
We can't.
Okay.
Well, uh, good news:
I'm not pregnant!
- I just had a huge lunch.
- I'm so sorry, I just can't.
All right, I'll compete for her.
What? You will?
But I know you think
these strollers are dumb.
They are, but I can't let
that boring bastard win.
So we decided to paint
the baby room white
I mean, you used to have sex
with him
I know.
Charles, this Boyle
bone broth is incredible
- I'm not sore at all anymore.
- I told you it works.
The Boyles used to drink it
during potato digging season
to keep everyone healthy
in the furrows.
You know, I bet we could sell
this stuff.
You really think so?
We can call our company
"The Bone Boys".
No! "More Bone, Less Moan".
No! "Workplace Bone Buds".
That's the one
I'm registering it.
Ewh, we can name
the company later.
Anyway, I know just who
to pitch this to.
My buddy who invented
Muscle Malt.
This is great!
We're the perfect partners.
When it comes to cooking,
you got me.
When it comes to being ripped,
you also have me.
And you have a little connection.
We're gonna be rich -
Sir, we're back.
Find anything in the case files?
Yes, most of them were
useless, but one caught my eye.
On May 15th, 2004 detectives
arrested Frank Kingston,
leader of the 16th Street Gang.
Thanks to the testimony
of confidential informant,
Kingston served 16 years
He just got out last month.
And you think he wants
the file to figure out
which one of his guys
turned on him to get revenge.
- It's a Vendetta.
- Vendetta.
Sure.
So now I know who the
sumbitch is who took my dog.
The only problem is,
I have no idea where
to find that sumbitch.
Well, Raymond, I think we can
help you find that sumbitch
Jake?
Sumbitch We all got to say it.
Let me show you what we found:
A security camera grabbed
some footage of Cheddar being
picked up and put into a car
which was registered to
an anonymous shell company
on Dean Street
We can be there in 15 minutes.
That's weird It's sunny outside.
Why's that weird?
Because a storm
is about to rain down
on that punk.
Oh, my God, I fell for it,
and I loved it.
All right, let's gear up
Kevin, you stay here,
and don't worry
We're gonna get your dog back.
So we did not get your dog back.
Unfortunately, he wasn't here
No, no, no
I think Captain Holt's
taking it really well.
So we'll see you soon.
Wow, five hours.
This is the most exciting
contest we've had.
Of course, the incident
last year was exciting,
but we all know how that ended.
No We don't.
Right Because of the gag order.
Are you sure you wanna
keep doing this, Rosa?
You really don't have to.
My feet hurt a little, but
I can go as long as it takes.
We're having a great time
back here
I was just telling
my buddy Reggie here
about this great salsa
that I make.
It's so mild you barely taste it.
That's it I can't take any more
I'm out - Bye, Reggie
I'll send you that article
about mailboxes.
- Please don't!
- Oh, my God,
Teddy is boring
people out of the competition,
and he doesn't even realize it
Can't let him get to you, Rosa.
It's fine, I can handle boring
We're friends.
Ooh, guys,
you will never believe
who I saw at Bush Gardens last
SUMMER: My neighbor.
Yeah? Just walking around.
The kidnapper said he would
call with drop instructions
- at 8:00 am It is now...
- 01.
Cheddar's dead.
Cheddar is not dead
It's just one minute.
Perhaps the kidnapper's watch
is slow.
Oh, dear God,
if his watch is slow,
there's no telling what else
this psychopath is capable of.
Raymond, Cheddar is fine
He's coming back to us,
and that is why I bought a new
GPS tag to put on his collar.
Thank you, Kevin.
At least some of us
are thinking clearly.
Yes, crystal clear
In fact I bought 5 GPS tags.
One for his collar
and one for each arm and leg
I'm going to make bracelets
to put them on,
and I'll never lose
my Cheddar again.
Okay, a little unsettling,
but I like your positivity.
Three minutes after 8:00.
This man is unhinged.
You said you'd call at 8:00
My watch is slow.
Put the files on a flash drive,
and have your husband bring it
to the 9th Street entrance
of Prospect Park at noon.
My husband? No
I'm not involving him in this
I'll bring them myself
I don't trust you
I told you not to look for me,
but you did.
Send your husband
or the deal is off.
Clearly, we're not doing this.
No, it's fine
We can just alter the files
and give him fakes.
He'll never know - It's not that.
It's that I refuse to put Kevin
in harm's way.
Understood,
but I think maybe I have a way
to put Kevin in danger
without putting Kevin in danger.
Well, hello there Raymond.
It's me, Kevin!
And I am
Detective Jacob Peralta.
We didn't have anything else
to wear so we just switched.
He understands.
Okay, if we're gonna pull
this off,
we need to teach you
how to move, talk, and act
exactly like Kevin.
In other words we have
a "Pygmalion" situation.
Exactly, a "pig mailman"
situation.
Raymond - It'll be okay.
- What'll be okay?
- Let's get started.
- Yes, let's get started!
- It's getting worse.
Spot on, Kevin.
Look, Raymond
A yellow crested warbler.
Look, Raymond
A yellow crested warbler.
No, you're too excited
The warbler's a common bird.
Ah - And then I said,
"Which 'Metamorphosis'?
Kafka or Ovid?"
He loves it.
He loves it -
So that's the joke
Now, you tell it.
Oh, okay,
so a professor walks in
to a rare books collection...
No, you've ruined it
Now it's not funny.
Look, Raymond
A yellow crested warbler.
Look, Raymond
A yellow crested warbler.
Ugh, not excited enough.
They may be common,
but they're still birds.
At the 92nd Street Y,
I had a wonderful symposium
on just that topic.
That's it You're getting it.
Ah, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool.
Don't say "cool,"
instead say "indeed".
Oh, indeed, indeed,
indeed, indeed, indeed.
It's weird.
Look, Raymond
A yellow crested warbler.
Yes!
That's the right level
of excitement for such a bird.
You captured
the essence of Kevin.
You've done it.
Correction,
I've accomplished it.
Indeed - Indeed.
Indeed, indeed, indeed.
Indeed, indeed, indeed,
indeed, indeed.
It's growing on me.
Oh, my God, Rosa
I can't believe
you're still here.
And I can't believe Teddy
looks so normal
I'm 'onna win you that Snoo
Slog.
Snat... whatever,
my brain is broken,
I haven't slept in 72 hours.
You've only been doing
the competition for one night
I mean, you're allowed
to not sleep for other reasons.
- Okay, I got you a coffee.
- Oh, thank you.
Just need to put my left hand
on the stroller.
My right hand grabs the cup
My mouth do the sippin'
What's happening?
My broken brain won't talk
to my body, so I'm doing it.
Blink.
Rosa, you don't have to do this.
You can stop - Snarl at Amy.
Teddy and I
are the only ones left
I'm 'onna win this
no matter how much he talks
about light rail systems.
Ooh, you should ride the one
in Akron, by the way.
Very little noise - Oh, my God.
Enough about light rails
Let's talk trams.
- Amusement parks get it.
- I can't, I can't, I can't.
If more cities adopted
amusement park
I can't, I can't.
Oh, put your hands
over your ears.
Oh no, wait, Rosa!
Hands are off We have a winner!
Me?
I won a stroller? Whoo-hoo!
Oh, I see what I did wrong.
It's okay
Come on, let's get you home.
Excuse me Amy.
You can have the stroller
for the right price.
Okay, how much?
Amy Santiago, will you marry me?
No!
Okay, I'm approaching
the drop site
I don't see anything unusual.
We have eyes on you.
Just be natural - Indeed, I will.
Oh, look,
a yellow crested warbler.
Very good.
He's calling Wait, Kevin,
we didn't go over
how you answer the phone.
There isn't time Just answer.
Okay.
You've reached
Professor Kevin Cozner.
Please start speaking
when I finish this sentence.
Pick up the book
on the bench and head south.
He hung up.
And he had me pick up a copy
of "The Tempest".
"Tempest?" Oh, no, Raymond.
Do you know what's happening
in the park today?
The Shakespeare Festival
which will be attended by...
Guys, I'm in a sea of Kevins.
Okay, between us,
I think we made enough broth.
Did you edit the presentation
like I asked?
You mean did I remove
the tasteful photos
of me stretching?
- They weren't tasteful!
- You were in a thong.
All right, Muscle Malt Kenneth
is on his way up.
Hey, I just wanna say,
no matter how this turns out,
it was really fun
working on this with you.
Aw, Terry,
it's gotta turn out well
- I invested $11,000 in it.
- $11,000?!
It only costs 30 bucks
to make the broth!
Yeah, but it cost $11,000
to buy the domain name
"workplacebonebudscom"
I am all in.
Boyle, why in the world
would you do that?
You are such a...
An amazing business partner
Kenneth, I'd like you to meet
my amazing business partner
Charles.
Hey - Hello
I'm excited to see
what you guys have here.
Well, take a sip
and feel the soreness
start to drain away.
Mmm.
It's good Very tasty.
Not only is it delicious,
it's high in amino acids,
and low in sodium.
Well, not exactly low in sodium.
It definitely has salt in it.
Not in the batch I made
I left it out
Terry doesn't like
to get all bloaty.
- You left out the salt?
- That stops the fermentation.
The salt keeps it stable.
- Oh, ah!
- God, what is happening?
They're all gonna blow!
Take cover!
So, uh, do we have a deal?
Still waiting
for instructions, over.
Wait, we don't have eyes on you.
- Kevin, do you see Jake?
- Yes, he's right there.
Oh, no,
that's a different gentlemen
wearing a handsome jacket
Everyone is so well dressed.
Peralta, head for
the north gate.
We're having trouble finding you.
All right, Professor, I'm
assuming you're wearing a wire.
A what? A... huh?
Ah, yes, a wire.
My husband asked me to wear that.
We lost comms
Something happened.
Cheddar! Uh, my fluffy boy!
I've missed you so.
All right, put up your hands
I'm gonna tap you down.
There's no need for that
I have the drive.
Just take it - Thanks
I'm still gonna pat you down.
Be my guest, but you're not
gonna find anything.
Here's a gun - Whoops.
- And another gun.
- I forgot about that one too.
So, the Professor's got
two guns on him,
and he's wearing a fake beard.
Oh, please don't rip it off
It hurts so much
I think the Professor's
actually a cop.
Something tells me
I should check that drive.
There's a laptop
in the front seat.
Get it If these files
aren't the real deal,
you and the dog are dead.
Oh, no need to worry
Because everything
is on the level
and will be completely fine.
Cheddar, go!
Go, boy!
Hey cop.
Would you like to buy a laptop?
There's no sign
of Peralta out here.
Did you hear anything
on the wire?
No, it never came back on
Do you think he's okay?
- Shh!
- What?
- Do you hear?
- Yes, I do.
That's the jingle
of Cheddar's collar.
And that's his bark!
Oh, that's our fluffy boy!
Good dog Good dog.
Oh, Mr Cheddar,
how I've missed you.
We both have
I'm putting that GPS tag
on your collar immediately.
Oh, damn it, it's not here
I'm wearing Peralta's pants.
Ugh, and now my hands are sticky.
Wait, Peralta's wearing
your pants which means...
- He doesn't have sticky hands.
- Yes, but also
he has the GPS tracker -
Hey, so, given the fact that
you haven't slept in forever,
I feel
like I should drive you home
I'm not going home
I'm going out.
What? Really?
- What is your life?
- It's pretty good actually.
Huh - By the way,
I'm sorry that I didn't win you
that stroller.
No, no, no, you were right
I don't need a Snoog.
It's way too fancy.
It is stupid - It's not stupid
I said you didn't need it
because I already bought you
a stroller
for your shower this weekend,
and it's just... isn't as fancy,
and I felt bad.
Rosa, I would love
any stroller you got me
- because it came from you.
- It's a Luftroller.
Oh, that is...
That is a great stroller
- I got you a gift receipt.
- Thank you so much
I cleaned up as much as I could,
but I think that couch
is gonna smell like bone broth
for a while.
So did you talk to your friend?
Any chance
he'll reconsider investing?
Yeah, that's not happening.
He said that was
the most scared he's ever been,
and he was on that plane
that landed on the Hudson
I guess that's it
I'm never gonna make
my $11,000 back.
Actually, I called
another guy from my gym.
He wants to buy the domain
workplacebonebudscom off of you.
That's amazing!
I can't believe you found
someone else
who runs a bone broth company
with a coworker.
What are the odds?
No, obviously he wants
to make a website
that helps people hook up
with their coworkers
I don't see it - Charles.
It's called workplacebonebudscom.
All I hear
is friendship and broth.
But yeah, I mean he wants
to burn his money,
I'll light the match
Yeah, tell him to call me.
His loss.
So what's your plan here,
Kingston?
You gonna torture me?
You gonna put my beard back on
and rip it off again?
No, I'm gonna cut off
each one of your fingers
until you tell me who the rat is
I see Well that's bad news,
because I don't know
who the rat is,
and I need all my fingers
if I'm gonna beat Wario.
- You can't beat Wario?
- You can?
- How do you do it?
- It's simple.
When he's approaching,
you just tap the...
Damn it!
- Motion detector!
- I'm sorry, what do you tap?
- Get up, let's go!
- Kingston!
What do you tap?
What do you tap?!
Split up! Cover the exits!
- Freeze!
- Captain!
- Captain!
- He's not getting away!
- He took my dog!
- Oh, my God.
It's happening!
Aah!
Oh, I see you have a knife.
But what you need is an umbrella.
Tell him why Tell him why!
'Cause there's a storm
gonna rain down on you, punk.
Ooh.
My goodness.
- Awh!
- Ooo-hoo-hoo!
You took the wrong fluffy boy!
He's done Cuff him.
Yes, sir.
That was the single coolest
thing that has ever happened.
Relax, Peralta.
That wasn't even the coolest
thing I've ever done.
What have you done
that's cooler?
It was the '80s
It was nothing, I mean,
they made a movie out of it,
but whatever.
What? What movie?
I don't remember the title.
Uh, there was a crime
on a plane, I was a passenger.
- Was it "Passenger 57?"
- I honestly don't know.
It had to have been
Just say it was that.
You know, Peralta,
sometimes I don't understand
the words
coming out of your mouth.
Oh, my God, was it "Rush Hour?"
What? No.
You know what?
I'm too old for this crap.
- It was "Lethal Weapon?!"
- Sir, are you Murtaugh?!
Does that make me Riggs?
I'm Riggs!
Fremulon.
Not a doctor Shh