Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 11 - Episode #7.11 - full transcript
I don't miss Porzingis.
I'm glad the Knicks
got rid of him.
That's crazy.
You never trade a seven-footer
with three-point range.
Why is the precinct
full of bunnies?
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Oh!
- This is still going on?
- What is?
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Halloween heist!
Happy Halloween.
I see you all
have your game faces on.
Special shout-out to Amy
who is clearly only wearing
that pumpkin costume
to conceal her heist equipment.
Nuh-uh.
I was greeting kids
at the Halloween party.
Nobody believes you.
Anyhow, will there
be a new champion
crowned this year,
or will I become
the first ever
three-time winner,
building on
my glorious victories
in heists one and five?
You didn't win the fifth heist.
I did when you proposed to me.
I won that year.
You ended up with a modified
version of the cummerbund,
and you only got that because
you slept your way into it.
Sorry, sir, that no one here
wants to bone you,
you dusty, old skeleton.
Whoa!
Okay, so this segs me nicely
into my next point... decorum.
This is supposed to be a fun day
that brings us all
closer together,
but in the past few years,
I've noticed it
trending
in the opposite direction.
Is this about
the surveillance system
I set up in your apartment?
Sleep, sleep, you ugly morons.
No, but it is now.
All right, look, the point is,
this year when we team up,
there will be no betrayals
because at the end of the day,
we're all friends,
and we love each other,
and also you'll be handcuffed
to your partner.
If you undo them, you lose.
Now, in each of these envelopes
is a name.
The last four champs
will pick their partners,
and, since I'm already up here,
I'll just go first so...
Nope.
You've obviously rigged this
to get the best teammate,
but I'm not falling
for that crap this time.
So I am going to partner with
Scully.
You know what?
We are friends, best friends.
Sorry I took your envelope.
- No, no, no!
- It's too late.
- Boyle, cuff 'em.
- It's okay, Rosa.
I'm focused this year,
and I'm more determined to win
than ever.
I also really have to go
to the bathroom.
Why didn't you say that before
he put the handcuffs on us?
Okay, I'll go next.
I have...
- Geppetto?
- Yeah.
Ugh, that must be Charles.
It is because I'm the puppeteer,
and you're all
my little puppets.
Ugh.
Can we choke our partner
to death with our handcuffs?
Sure, choke away.
Terry?
I'm out.
Terry is retiring from heisting.
I don't have anything left to
prove after my win last year.
But we need you.
What if one of us has a plan
that involves
a big, strong brute?
Not a great sales pitch, Jake.
- Terry is going out on top.
- Ugh, fine.
I guess that makes it my turn,
so I will pick my partner.
And it is...
Raymond Holt.
Well, well, well, it appears
the original two heist champs
are teaming up.
Should we just skip ahead
so everyone
can bow down to us now?
Yes, you all heard him.
Bow down.
Boyle, you first.
He is not gonna bow do... ugh,
he's already doing it.
Well, they're gonna win.
I'm currying favor.
So what prize
are we playing for, you ask?
Wait, what about me?
Nobody picked my envelope.
So what prize
are we playing for, you ask?
Ooh, the infinity gauntlet
from "The Avengers."
Yes, except not quite.
The actual movie replica
was extremely expensive,
so I had to get something
off Russian eBay.
Say hello to
the Infinitude Gobbler.
It's identical to the one
that Thaboo wore
in the movie "Avangaboys."
- This glove...
- Gobbler.
Contains three plastic jewels...
The Infinitude Gems.
Each representing one aspect
of a heist winner.
"Amazing," "human," "genius."
Whoever possesses
these stones at midnight
will be named champion.
But what obstacles will I face,
you may ask yourself.
Well, the Infinitude Gems
will be guarded
by a ferocious
and daunting sentry.
Hey, best friends.
We're not
your best friends, Bill.
You don't get to decide that.
So Bill will hide the gems
in his pockets.
You're really gonna
have to root around in there.
I dried my jeans,
so they're extra tight.
- You were right, Amy.
- I should have got a safe.
Sorry, everyone.
Let the heist begin!
I can't believe
the two strongest competitors
got partnered up.
We're a dream team like
in the 1992 Summer Olympics.
Okay, I know you're
not talking about basketball,
so just tell me what weird sport
you think
the Dream Team was from.
Sport?
I'm talking about
the opening ceremonies.
Agnes Baltsa and Alfredo Kraus
singing back-to-back arias.
Wonderful, yes, we are just
like Agnes and Alfredo
all thanks to me.
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
I rigged the envelopes
so that we could team up.
But you chose Scully initially.
Only because I knew
as soon as I tried to go first,
Rosa would jump in,
and then I made sure
no one picked our envelopes
by marking them
with Cheeto thumbprints.
Oh, so everyone would assume
that they were
Hitchcock and Scully's.
Brilliant.
These fools don't stand
a chance against us.
Yeah, they really are fools,
aren't they?
Just like whoever
Agnes and Alfredo
beat at singing to get
into the Olympics.
- I know nothing about opera.
- No, you're right.
Amy's a real
Teresa Berganza, huh?
I don't know.
Look at them laughing.
Jake must have said
something really funny.
Should we forfeit
and go hear what it was?
No, Charles,
we're not forfeiting.
I wanted Jake
to rig the envelopes
and partner up with Holt.
I gave him the idea
by making him watch "Lincoln."
Oh, wow, a team of rivals.
Mm-hmm.
And when that didn't work,
we watched
"X-Men: Days of Future Past."
Magneto and Professor X
working together?
Amy, are you seeing this?
Yes, I see it.
I see it all.
Why would you do that?
Jake and Holt are like
the '92 dream team.
I know you're not talking
about sports,
so who do you think
the '92 Dream Team was?
- Aladdin and Abu.
- Right.
Look, Jake and Holt
are too stubborn
and too proud to work as a team.
Once they implode, we'll waltz
in and grab the gems.
- I do love waltzing.
- What about Rosa and Scully?
I'm not too worried about them.
Hey, Rosa,
you brought headphones right?
- To drown out the sound?
- No.
Oh boy, I'm really sorry
for what's heading your way.
I'm sorry!
- So here's the plan.
- Okay.
We're gonna need pliers,
grappling hook...
- Wait.
- Amy, look.
The bullpen's
filling up with smoke.
- Oh, someone's making a move.
- That's right.
And that someone is us.
Seems like a pretty sloppy plan.
You're just saying
it's sloppy because
you're jealous
you didn't think of it.
You don't even know
what we're doing yet.
Fog up the room
until no one can see
and then steal the gems.
Yeah, but I also got us
little booties,
so we can move
through the room quietly.
And I memorized the exact
layout of the entire bullpen
using a blindfold so follow me.
One, two, three, desk.
One, two, turn.
One, two, three, four, Bill.
- Hi, boys.
- Oh, God!
Why do you sound horny?
Very upsetting.
Okay, reaching
into your pockets,
feeling a lot of things,
and I got the gems.
Let's go.
One, two, three... oh!
Whoa.
Was that the gems?
Did you drop them?
That chair wasn't
supposed to be there.
- Where'd they go?
- I can't see anything.
Turn off the smoke.
It's lucky I was prepared
for you to fail.
Now, I didn't wanna reveal him
this early, but...
Here he comes.
Cheddar, Cheddar the Dog.
Yeah, we all knew he was coming.
You don't have to make
such a meal out of it.
Go, Cheddar.
Arcessere.
Means fetch.
Cheddar's been taking Latin.
- Who has the gems?
- What's going on?
- And explain it quickly.
- I have to pee again.
You're too late.
For the last three months,
I have been training Cheddar
to retrieve gems.
Using his low center of gravity
and keen sense of smell,
he expertly...
Oh, no.
He swallowed them.
He swallowed the gems!
Well,.
Mmm, got a pedicure,
made a smoothie
'cause Terry loves smoothies.
Retiring early was the best
decision I have ever made.
Well, you're missing out.
People are saying this is
the most fun heist
we've ever done.
Looks like Holt keeps trying
to put his whole hand
in Cheddar's mouth
while Rosa googles,
"how to make a dog vomit."
Yeah.
Like I said,
we're having a blast.
Why would he have
swallowed the gems?
Well, a photograph of Cheddar
was featured on "Chonky Pups,"
an Instagram account
for overweight pets.
A top comment called him
a "thick king."
Kevin and I put him on a diet,
and I suppose
he got hungry enough
to mistake the gems for food.
This is why
you don't team up with a dog.
It's better than
teaming up with Bill
like you do every year.
Bill is a human.
He is able to use more
than just his mouth.
- Not if you don't want me to.
- Bill, stop chiming in.
I'm just saying.
I'm not that different
from a dog.
You're not helping.
We need to get Cheddar
to a doctor right now.
Bravo.
What a performance.
Cheddar didn't swallow any gems.
This is all a ruse
just like my brilliant lie
- about the pumpkin costume.
- That was good.
There is no chance in hell
that any of this is real.
Yep, you can see the gems
right here on the X-ray.
Okay, so it's real.
- Uh, I'm sorry.
- Who are all these people?
We're coworkers involved
in an elaborate Halloween heist.
Do you seriously
not talk to your vet about us?
Seems to me
Cheddar has the gems,
and he's my property, so we win.
Yeah, works for me.
Time for the big wrap-up speech.
I'm sure you're all wondering
how we pulled this off.
No, we continue the heist
right here, right now.
I'm gonna open him up.
No, no, no, no,
there's no need to operate.
The gems are small enough.
He should be able to excrete
them without discomfort.
The medical term
for excrete is dump out.
- It is not.
- Hm?
Okay, so we wait
until Cheddar passes the gems,
and then we restart the heist
the next time
we all have a free day.
Perfect.
When will that be?
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Valentine's Day
Halloween heist.
- This is still happening?
- Why so curious, Terry?
Hoping we'll let you
participate now?
- 'Cause you can't!
- Oh, no.
I don't get to compete
for a bunch of stones
that were in a dog's butt.
What will I do?
I'll have you know
that a dog's butt is cleaner
- than a human's mouth.
- That can't be true.
Well, a dog's mouth is
cleaner than a human's mouth,
and dog mouths lick dog butts,
so you tell me
where my theory is wrong.
He has no comeback.
All right, the heist
will pick up where we left off.
There are six hours remaining
and three teams left.
The now-sterilized
Infinitude Gems
will be placed
back into the care of Bill.
Oh, wow, Bill, looks like
you had a rough four months.
It was actually
a great three months
and then one really bad one.
Okay, but you're here,
and you're happier than ever.
I don't know why you think that.
Let the heist re-begin!
Okay, your smoke plan
was a disaster.
Yeah, because your dog
ate the gems.
Because you tripped
and dropped them.
Yeah, because someone
put a chair in my way
that wasn't supposed
to be there.
I'm sorry.
Are you accusing me
of something?
Was that not clear?
Do you need me to say it
in Latin?
I think you sabotage me.
I would never.
I want to win,
Which is why I'm initiating
Operation Fabius.
- Okay.
- That does sound kind of cool.
- Well, it shouldn't.
- I may have to change the name.
Roman dictator Fabius Maximus
defeated Hannibal
by avoiding battle
and exercising patience.
I can be patient.
I just listened to you
talk about that Fabius guy
for, like, four hours.
- It was two sentences.
- Ugh, shut up.
And the infighting continues.
I guess Jake and I still have
the only unbreakable bond
in the whole precinct.
I mean, he is my husband.
Uh-huh.
No one ever gets divorced?
- Charles.
- I'm sorry.
I'm just all worked up
because of the heist.
There's heist in the geist.
No, look.
There's something happening.
I have flowers
for Bill Hummertrout.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is a scam.
There's no one in Bill's life
that would send him flowers.
- It's true.
- Something's up.
Flowers for Bill Hummertrout?
How many of these guys
are there?
- Flowers for Bill...
- What is happening?
You tell us.
You're the one who just
mysteriously appeared
at this critical moment.
I was stuck
in the bathroom with Scully.
- It was a nightmare.
- For me too.
Hitchcock and I haven't had
any time alone all day.
I don't even know
what he had for lunch.
- Italian sandwich.
- But with what kind of chips?
- Okay, stop.
- We don't have time for this.
Everyone, form a blockade!
Protect Bill!
Protect the gems!
I can't see anything.
There's too many of them.
- Wait, they're clearing out.
- Yeah, because they got them.
- The gems are gone.
- Of course they are.
This is clearly the work
of Charles Boyle,
the son of a florist.
You think I'd make bouquets
that look like this?
With all this baby's-breath?
What do you think of me?
Maybe it was Terry
who sent the flowers!
Yeah, I really wanted
to spend $2,000
on Valentine's Day
not for my wife.
- Ah, he admitted it!
- No, Rosa took the gems.
I saw you brush up against
one of the flower delivery men
who handed you the gems,
which you gave to Scully,
who placed them in his mouth.
- That's absurd.
- Yeah, that's absurd.
Okay, fine, but no one
is getting those gems.
Yeah.
None of you would dare to put
your bare hands
inside of Scully's mouth.
Yeah.
Who knows what kind
of diseases he's got.
My doctors sure don't.
Scully, why wasn't that garbled?
Yep, he swallowed 'em.
You can see the gems right here
on the X-ray.
And you're sure
those are the gems
and there's not something
horribly wrong with him?
Well, the part that's
horribly wrong with him
is if you look here...
Oh, nobody cares.
What does this mean
for the heist?
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Easter
Valentine's Day Halloween heist!
We will once again pick up
where we left off.
The Infinitude Gems...
You guys are still doing this?
You know it's April now.
Yeah, Terry,
we're still doing it,
and we're still
having a great time.
Why are the gems so pale?
I guess Scully's insides zapped
all the color out of them?
I don't know, babe.
You're undercutting
my whole thing with Terry here.
Anyways, the Infinitude Gems
will go back to Bill
whose life seems to have
unraveled even further.
- Tough March for you there, bud?
- Yeah, just a heads up.
I sold my pants
with the pockets,
so I'll be putting the gems
in my undies this time.
- No.
- I'll give him a fanny pack.
Can I keep it?
This could be just what
I need to turn my life around.
Yeah, Bill,
you can keep the fanny pack.
I don't have to
do anything for it, do I?
Because I will if you ask.
I'll do anything, even...
What's that supposed
to represent?
- No one answer that.
- Anyhow, quick heist update.
There's less than an hour left,
and only two teams remain.
Two?
My doctor said
I'm at a grave risk
for a shenanigan-related death,
so I have to drop out.
I should get a new partner.
- Terry, you want back in?
- Nope.
I want my mango tango.
Slurp, slurp.
Sorry, Rosa,
if you wanna switch partners
this late in the game,
they have to have
the same skill set as Scully.
- I'm available.
- Right, or...
That filing cabinet
kind of looks like Scully.
- I see it.
- Same flat top.
But if we really wanna
make this a fair switch,
it seems like you need
to start in the men's room.
- Come on.
- Let the heist re-re-begin!
Okay, in five minutes,
ten other bunnies
will march past this door.
We'll blend in
and grab the gems.
It's foolproof.
How is this any different
than my bunny suit plan?
Oh, it's very different.
I gave the bunnies glasses
and little, blue vests.
The vests add nothing.
The vests add gravitas.
Your butt adds gravitas.
Get ready.
Bunnies are gonna be here
at any moment.
How do you know
this is their plan?
'Cause Jake frickin' told me.
- He did?
- Yeah.
He's so frustrated with Holt...
Like I knew he would be...
That it's all he talks about...
In therapy.
What?
The thing is,
the bunny vests do add gravitas,
but I can't tell him that
'cause then he wins.
Oh, hey, is it weird that
Jane Jetson gives me a bo...
You found a therapist
that let you do that?
No, I've been paying an actress
to pretend to treat him
for months.
She's actually helped him a lot.
Oh, did Jake ever say
anything about me
while you were listening?
Where are those bunnies?
Boy, that thing's
pretty heavy, huh?
Here they come, my beautiful,
blue-vested bunnies.
My God, they're so cool.
- What's that?
- Hm?
Nothing.
I hate them.
- This probably won't even work.
- Let's go.
- It's happening.
- Put on your head.
Oh, with pleasure.
I love disappearing into a role.
I'm Argyle James Hopford,
a bachelor bunny
who's carrying out a scandalous
affair with a local goose.
Shut up and put on
your damn head!
Hello, bunnies.
Okay, just be cool and blend in.
- Jake, who are those bunnies?
- It must be Amy and Charles.
- They see us.
- Let's go.
- Give it up, Bill!
- Give it up!
Come on, Holt, move your ass.
No, I can't unclasp the fanny
pack with these furry hands.
You're hitting me, Jake.
I can't see anything,
and we're all dressed the same.
- Uh-oh, Rosa's coming.
- And Bill's getting away.
Nope, I got his ankle.
- Get off me!
- Get off me!
Someone got the fanny pack!
They're headed for the roof!
Go, go, go, go, go.
- This is still going on?
- Was it Terry?
- Nope.
- Wasn't me.
Wait, if you're Terry,
then that must be...
What's up, losers?
- Yes.
- Whoo!
- Wow.
- Whoo.
- Rosa, that was amazing.
- It was not amazing.
She didn't stay handcuffed
to her partner.
She's disqualified.
We'll reset and start over
on the next holiday.
Earth day... an Earth day heist.
- It's perfect.
- Wrong.
Rules said I couldn't
undo the cuffs,
and I didn't.
Oh, not fair.
I didn't know I could
cut off Peralta's hand.
I'll file that away
for next year.
Actually, I think
we're one and done
on the whole handcuff concept.
- This is incredible.
- How'd you do it, Rosa?
Well, back on Halloween,
I knew Jake would make the first
move, and I had to be ready.
You were hiding in the fog.
It wasn't Holt that put
that chair in my pathway.
No, I did.
I wanted to be the one who was
responsible for our victory.
- What?
- We already lost.
There's no point in trying
to maintain team morale now.
Dick.
Anyway, I knew Cheddar
would be making an appearance.
Oh, everyone loves
to see Cheddar.
- He's here a lot.
- I never bring in Arlo.
- Who?
- Exactly.
I spent every morning
for the last year
giving Cheddar a taste for ham.
Oh, so that's why
he got so thick
and ended up on "Chonky Pups."
I submitted his photo.
And once you put Cheddar
on a diet, all I had to do
was mark the gems with a little
of that sweet ham taste.
Why did you want Cheddar
to swallow the gems?
Because I needed
to delay things.
The second part of my plan
took place on Valentine's Day,
which went perfectly.
- Ah, I wouldn't say perfectly.
- Scully swallowed the gems.
- 'Cause I tricked him into it.
- Wasn't hard.
Pretty much used
the same Cheddar ham playbook.
Table ham.
Seven days in a row.
So now I have to think twice
before I eat food
I find lying around.
Thanks a lot.
I marked the gems
with ham again,
and everything pushed to Easter
when I could finally
get rid of Scully as my partner.
Doctor, I'm willing to pay you
to tell Norm Scully
not to participate...
- Participate?
- No, no, no.
Norm Scully should not
be participating
in any activities.
He could die.
I'll go call him right now.
Now I finally had a teammate
whose hand I could cut off.
Just needed a little help
from Terry.
Boy, that thing's
pretty heavy, huh?
Did you bring the tools?
- But you were retired.
- You were loving your smoothies.
Yeah, but after a while,
I felt left out.
And if I'm being honest,
the smoothies
weren't even that good.
I wonder why that was.
Maybe it's because
I hammed your smoothie.
Am I the only one who didn't
get fed ham this year?
Wait, how did you know
about Jake's bunny plan?
You weren't the only one
listening in on his therapy.
Of course the bunnies
should have glasses.
I just can't believe I didn't
come up with it myself.
Oh, you know what?
Betty Rubble
also gives me a bo...
You guys were listening in
on my therapy?
That feels like
a real violation...
Jake, Jake,
this is Rosa's moment.
Yeah, man, go tell it
to your fake therapist.
She's fake?
Anyway, then I grabbed the gems,
jumped off the roof,
and wrote my name in flames.
Wait, why did you keep
delaying the heist?
Couldn't you have just won
at Halloween?
Oh, I did.
These are the real
Halloween gems.
I switched them out
before Cheddar found them.
I also won on Valentine's Day.
What is happening?
I switched those gems out
before I gave them to Scully.
And then I won today.
So while you nerds
are always arguing
about who the only
two-time champion is...
Me.
I just became the first
three-time champion.
I guess there's just
one thing left to do.
To Rosa Diaz,
an amazing human/genius.
To Rosa Diaz.
Well, you did it,
but always remember one thing.
Those gems
were in Scully's butt.
- How dare you.
- I know.
I'm happy for you, I guess.
I don't know.
- Hold on.
- I have some math questions.
If Rosa has three wins,
does Scully have two?
- Am I now tied with Scully?
- No, no, no.
I'm tied with Scully.
You're tied with
the filing cabinet.
The filing cabinet
has more wins than me?
- Yes, obviously.
- Yeah, that's how that works.
- As it should.
- Guys, stop it.
We're supposed to be
celebrating Rosa here,
- not fighting.
- No, no, keep fighting.
It's why I did this.
You know, technically, we all
shared in Jake's first win,
so this might be my fourth.
- What?
- No.
Yeah, that's a good point.
Oh, we also helped Holt win too.
- Oh, shut up, Santiago.
- Just shut up.
- Excuse me?
- Wow, shut up?
- How dare you, sir.
- I won two times.
That is my wife.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.
Fremulon.
I'm glad the Knicks
got rid of him.
That's crazy.
You never trade a seven-footer
with three-point range.
Why is the precinct
full of bunnies?
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Oh!
- This is still going on?
- What is?
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Halloween heist!
Happy Halloween.
I see you all
have your game faces on.
Special shout-out to Amy
who is clearly only wearing
that pumpkin costume
to conceal her heist equipment.
Nuh-uh.
I was greeting kids
at the Halloween party.
Nobody believes you.
Anyhow, will there
be a new champion
crowned this year,
or will I become
the first ever
three-time winner,
building on
my glorious victories
in heists one and five?
You didn't win the fifth heist.
I did when you proposed to me.
I won that year.
You ended up with a modified
version of the cummerbund,
and you only got that because
you slept your way into it.
Sorry, sir, that no one here
wants to bone you,
you dusty, old skeleton.
Whoa!
Okay, so this segs me nicely
into my next point... decorum.
This is supposed to be a fun day
that brings us all
closer together,
but in the past few years,
I've noticed it
trending
in the opposite direction.
Is this about
the surveillance system
I set up in your apartment?
Sleep, sleep, you ugly morons.
No, but it is now.
All right, look, the point is,
this year when we team up,
there will be no betrayals
because at the end of the day,
we're all friends,
and we love each other,
and also you'll be handcuffed
to your partner.
If you undo them, you lose.
Now, in each of these envelopes
is a name.
The last four champs
will pick their partners,
and, since I'm already up here,
I'll just go first so...
Nope.
You've obviously rigged this
to get the best teammate,
but I'm not falling
for that crap this time.
So I am going to partner with
Scully.
You know what?
We are friends, best friends.
Sorry I took your envelope.
- No, no, no!
- It's too late.
- Boyle, cuff 'em.
- It's okay, Rosa.
I'm focused this year,
and I'm more determined to win
than ever.
I also really have to go
to the bathroom.
Why didn't you say that before
he put the handcuffs on us?
Okay, I'll go next.
I have...
- Geppetto?
- Yeah.
Ugh, that must be Charles.
It is because I'm the puppeteer,
and you're all
my little puppets.
Ugh.
Can we choke our partner
to death with our handcuffs?
Sure, choke away.
Terry?
I'm out.
Terry is retiring from heisting.
I don't have anything left to
prove after my win last year.
But we need you.
What if one of us has a plan
that involves
a big, strong brute?
Not a great sales pitch, Jake.
- Terry is going out on top.
- Ugh, fine.
I guess that makes it my turn,
so I will pick my partner.
And it is...
Raymond Holt.
Well, well, well, it appears
the original two heist champs
are teaming up.
Should we just skip ahead
so everyone
can bow down to us now?
Yes, you all heard him.
Bow down.
Boyle, you first.
He is not gonna bow do... ugh,
he's already doing it.
Well, they're gonna win.
I'm currying favor.
So what prize
are we playing for, you ask?
Wait, what about me?
Nobody picked my envelope.
So what prize
are we playing for, you ask?
Ooh, the infinity gauntlet
from "The Avengers."
Yes, except not quite.
The actual movie replica
was extremely expensive,
so I had to get something
off Russian eBay.
Say hello to
the Infinitude Gobbler.
It's identical to the one
that Thaboo wore
in the movie "Avangaboys."
- This glove...
- Gobbler.
Contains three plastic jewels...
The Infinitude Gems.
Each representing one aspect
of a heist winner.
"Amazing," "human," "genius."
Whoever possesses
these stones at midnight
will be named champion.
But what obstacles will I face,
you may ask yourself.
Well, the Infinitude Gems
will be guarded
by a ferocious
and daunting sentry.
Hey, best friends.
We're not
your best friends, Bill.
You don't get to decide that.
So Bill will hide the gems
in his pockets.
You're really gonna
have to root around in there.
I dried my jeans,
so they're extra tight.
- You were right, Amy.
- I should have got a safe.
Sorry, everyone.
Let the heist begin!
I can't believe
the two strongest competitors
got partnered up.
We're a dream team like
in the 1992 Summer Olympics.
Okay, I know you're
not talking about basketball,
so just tell me what weird sport
you think
the Dream Team was from.
Sport?
I'm talking about
the opening ceremonies.
Agnes Baltsa and Alfredo Kraus
singing back-to-back arias.
Wonderful, yes, we are just
like Agnes and Alfredo
all thanks to me.
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
I rigged the envelopes
so that we could team up.
But you chose Scully initially.
Only because I knew
as soon as I tried to go first,
Rosa would jump in,
and then I made sure
no one picked our envelopes
by marking them
with Cheeto thumbprints.
Oh, so everyone would assume
that they were
Hitchcock and Scully's.
Brilliant.
These fools don't stand
a chance against us.
Yeah, they really are fools,
aren't they?
Just like whoever
Agnes and Alfredo
beat at singing to get
into the Olympics.
- I know nothing about opera.
- No, you're right.
Amy's a real
Teresa Berganza, huh?
I don't know.
Look at them laughing.
Jake must have said
something really funny.
Should we forfeit
and go hear what it was?
No, Charles,
we're not forfeiting.
I wanted Jake
to rig the envelopes
and partner up with Holt.
I gave him the idea
by making him watch "Lincoln."
Oh, wow, a team of rivals.
Mm-hmm.
And when that didn't work,
we watched
"X-Men: Days of Future Past."
Magneto and Professor X
working together?
Amy, are you seeing this?
Yes, I see it.
I see it all.
Why would you do that?
Jake and Holt are like
the '92 dream team.
I know you're not talking
about sports,
so who do you think
the '92 Dream Team was?
- Aladdin and Abu.
- Right.
Look, Jake and Holt
are too stubborn
and too proud to work as a team.
Once they implode, we'll waltz
in and grab the gems.
- I do love waltzing.
- What about Rosa and Scully?
I'm not too worried about them.
Hey, Rosa,
you brought headphones right?
- To drown out the sound?
- No.
Oh boy, I'm really sorry
for what's heading your way.
I'm sorry!
- So here's the plan.
- Okay.
We're gonna need pliers,
grappling hook...
- Wait.
- Amy, look.
The bullpen's
filling up with smoke.
- Oh, someone's making a move.
- That's right.
And that someone is us.
Seems like a pretty sloppy plan.
You're just saying
it's sloppy because
you're jealous
you didn't think of it.
You don't even know
what we're doing yet.
Fog up the room
until no one can see
and then steal the gems.
Yeah, but I also got us
little booties,
so we can move
through the room quietly.
And I memorized the exact
layout of the entire bullpen
using a blindfold so follow me.
One, two, three, desk.
One, two, turn.
One, two, three, four, Bill.
- Hi, boys.
- Oh, God!
Why do you sound horny?
Very upsetting.
Okay, reaching
into your pockets,
feeling a lot of things,
and I got the gems.
Let's go.
One, two, three... oh!
Whoa.
Was that the gems?
Did you drop them?
That chair wasn't
supposed to be there.
- Where'd they go?
- I can't see anything.
Turn off the smoke.
It's lucky I was prepared
for you to fail.
Now, I didn't wanna reveal him
this early, but...
Here he comes.
Cheddar, Cheddar the Dog.
Yeah, we all knew he was coming.
You don't have to make
such a meal out of it.
Go, Cheddar.
Arcessere.
Means fetch.
Cheddar's been taking Latin.
- Who has the gems?
- What's going on?
- And explain it quickly.
- I have to pee again.
You're too late.
For the last three months,
I have been training Cheddar
to retrieve gems.
Using his low center of gravity
and keen sense of smell,
he expertly...
Oh, no.
He swallowed them.
He swallowed the gems!
Well,.
Mmm, got a pedicure,
made a smoothie
'cause Terry loves smoothies.
Retiring early was the best
decision I have ever made.
Well, you're missing out.
People are saying this is
the most fun heist
we've ever done.
Looks like Holt keeps trying
to put his whole hand
in Cheddar's mouth
while Rosa googles,
"how to make a dog vomit."
Yeah.
Like I said,
we're having a blast.
Why would he have
swallowed the gems?
Well, a photograph of Cheddar
was featured on "Chonky Pups,"
an Instagram account
for overweight pets.
A top comment called him
a "thick king."
Kevin and I put him on a diet,
and I suppose
he got hungry enough
to mistake the gems for food.
This is why
you don't team up with a dog.
It's better than
teaming up with Bill
like you do every year.
Bill is a human.
He is able to use more
than just his mouth.
- Not if you don't want me to.
- Bill, stop chiming in.
I'm just saying.
I'm not that different
from a dog.
You're not helping.
We need to get Cheddar
to a doctor right now.
Bravo.
What a performance.
Cheddar didn't swallow any gems.
This is all a ruse
just like my brilliant lie
- about the pumpkin costume.
- That was good.
There is no chance in hell
that any of this is real.
Yep, you can see the gems
right here on the X-ray.
Okay, so it's real.
- Uh, I'm sorry.
- Who are all these people?
We're coworkers involved
in an elaborate Halloween heist.
Do you seriously
not talk to your vet about us?
Seems to me
Cheddar has the gems,
and he's my property, so we win.
Yeah, works for me.
Time for the big wrap-up speech.
I'm sure you're all wondering
how we pulled this off.
No, we continue the heist
right here, right now.
I'm gonna open him up.
No, no, no, no,
there's no need to operate.
The gems are small enough.
He should be able to excrete
them without discomfort.
The medical term
for excrete is dump out.
- It is not.
- Hm?
Okay, so we wait
until Cheddar passes the gems,
and then we restart the heist
the next time
we all have a free day.
Perfect.
When will that be?
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Valentine's Day
Halloween heist.
- This is still happening?
- Why so curious, Terry?
Hoping we'll let you
participate now?
- 'Cause you can't!
- Oh, no.
I don't get to compete
for a bunch of stones
that were in a dog's butt.
What will I do?
I'll have you know
that a dog's butt is cleaner
- than a human's mouth.
- That can't be true.
Well, a dog's mouth is
cleaner than a human's mouth,
and dog mouths lick dog butts,
so you tell me
where my theory is wrong.
He has no comeback.
All right, the heist
will pick up where we left off.
There are six hours remaining
and three teams left.
The now-sterilized
Infinitude Gems
will be placed
back into the care of Bill.
Oh, wow, Bill, looks like
you had a rough four months.
It was actually
a great three months
and then one really bad one.
Okay, but you're here,
and you're happier than ever.
I don't know why you think that.
Let the heist re-begin!
Okay, your smoke plan
was a disaster.
Yeah, because your dog
ate the gems.
Because you tripped
and dropped them.
Yeah, because someone
put a chair in my way
that wasn't supposed
to be there.
I'm sorry.
Are you accusing me
of something?
Was that not clear?
Do you need me to say it
in Latin?
I think you sabotage me.
I would never.
I want to win,
Which is why I'm initiating
Operation Fabius.
- Okay.
- That does sound kind of cool.
- Well, it shouldn't.
- I may have to change the name.
Roman dictator Fabius Maximus
defeated Hannibal
by avoiding battle
and exercising patience.
I can be patient.
I just listened to you
talk about that Fabius guy
for, like, four hours.
- It was two sentences.
- Ugh, shut up.
And the infighting continues.
I guess Jake and I still have
the only unbreakable bond
in the whole precinct.
I mean, he is my husband.
Uh-huh.
No one ever gets divorced?
- Charles.
- I'm sorry.
I'm just all worked up
because of the heist.
There's heist in the geist.
No, look.
There's something happening.
I have flowers
for Bill Hummertrout.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is a scam.
There's no one in Bill's life
that would send him flowers.
- It's true.
- Something's up.
Flowers for Bill Hummertrout?
How many of these guys
are there?
- Flowers for Bill...
- What is happening?
You tell us.
You're the one who just
mysteriously appeared
at this critical moment.
I was stuck
in the bathroom with Scully.
- It was a nightmare.
- For me too.
Hitchcock and I haven't had
any time alone all day.
I don't even know
what he had for lunch.
- Italian sandwich.
- But with what kind of chips?
- Okay, stop.
- We don't have time for this.
Everyone, form a blockade!
Protect Bill!
Protect the gems!
I can't see anything.
There's too many of them.
- Wait, they're clearing out.
- Yeah, because they got them.
- The gems are gone.
- Of course they are.
This is clearly the work
of Charles Boyle,
the son of a florist.
You think I'd make bouquets
that look like this?
With all this baby's-breath?
What do you think of me?
Maybe it was Terry
who sent the flowers!
Yeah, I really wanted
to spend $2,000
on Valentine's Day
not for my wife.
- Ah, he admitted it!
- No, Rosa took the gems.
I saw you brush up against
one of the flower delivery men
who handed you the gems,
which you gave to Scully,
who placed them in his mouth.
- That's absurd.
- Yeah, that's absurd.
Okay, fine, but no one
is getting those gems.
Yeah.
None of you would dare to put
your bare hands
inside of Scully's mouth.
Yeah.
Who knows what kind
of diseases he's got.
My doctors sure don't.
Scully, why wasn't that garbled?
Yep, he swallowed 'em.
You can see the gems right here
on the X-ray.
And you're sure
those are the gems
and there's not something
horribly wrong with him?
Well, the part that's
horribly wrong with him
is if you look here...
Oh, nobody cares.
What does this mean
for the heist?
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Easter
Valentine's Day Halloween heist!
We will once again pick up
where we left off.
The Infinitude Gems...
You guys are still doing this?
You know it's April now.
Yeah, Terry,
we're still doing it,
and we're still
having a great time.
Why are the gems so pale?
I guess Scully's insides zapped
all the color out of them?
I don't know, babe.
You're undercutting
my whole thing with Terry here.
Anyways, the Infinitude Gems
will go back to Bill
whose life seems to have
unraveled even further.
- Tough March for you there, bud?
- Yeah, just a heads up.
I sold my pants
with the pockets,
so I'll be putting the gems
in my undies this time.
- No.
- I'll give him a fanny pack.
Can I keep it?
This could be just what
I need to turn my life around.
Yeah, Bill,
you can keep the fanny pack.
I don't have to
do anything for it, do I?
Because I will if you ask.
I'll do anything, even...
What's that supposed
to represent?
- No one answer that.
- Anyhow, quick heist update.
There's less than an hour left,
and only two teams remain.
Two?
My doctor said
I'm at a grave risk
for a shenanigan-related death,
so I have to drop out.
I should get a new partner.
- Terry, you want back in?
- Nope.
I want my mango tango.
Slurp, slurp.
Sorry, Rosa,
if you wanna switch partners
this late in the game,
they have to have
the same skill set as Scully.
- I'm available.
- Right, or...
That filing cabinet
kind of looks like Scully.
- I see it.
- Same flat top.
But if we really wanna
make this a fair switch,
it seems like you need
to start in the men's room.
- Come on.
- Let the heist re-re-begin!
Okay, in five minutes,
ten other bunnies
will march past this door.
We'll blend in
and grab the gems.
It's foolproof.
How is this any different
than my bunny suit plan?
Oh, it's very different.
I gave the bunnies glasses
and little, blue vests.
The vests add nothing.
The vests add gravitas.
Your butt adds gravitas.
Get ready.
Bunnies are gonna be here
at any moment.
How do you know
this is their plan?
'Cause Jake frickin' told me.
- He did?
- Yeah.
He's so frustrated with Holt...
Like I knew he would be...
That it's all he talks about...
In therapy.
What?
The thing is,
the bunny vests do add gravitas,
but I can't tell him that
'cause then he wins.
Oh, hey, is it weird that
Jane Jetson gives me a bo...
You found a therapist
that let you do that?
No, I've been paying an actress
to pretend to treat him
for months.
She's actually helped him a lot.
Oh, did Jake ever say
anything about me
while you were listening?
Where are those bunnies?
Boy, that thing's
pretty heavy, huh?
Here they come, my beautiful,
blue-vested bunnies.
My God, they're so cool.
- What's that?
- Hm?
Nothing.
I hate them.
- This probably won't even work.
- Let's go.
- It's happening.
- Put on your head.
Oh, with pleasure.
I love disappearing into a role.
I'm Argyle James Hopford,
a bachelor bunny
who's carrying out a scandalous
affair with a local goose.
Shut up and put on
your damn head!
Hello, bunnies.
Okay, just be cool and blend in.
- Jake, who are those bunnies?
- It must be Amy and Charles.
- They see us.
- Let's go.
- Give it up, Bill!
- Give it up!
Come on, Holt, move your ass.
No, I can't unclasp the fanny
pack with these furry hands.
You're hitting me, Jake.
I can't see anything,
and we're all dressed the same.
- Uh-oh, Rosa's coming.
- And Bill's getting away.
Nope, I got his ankle.
- Get off me!
- Get off me!
Someone got the fanny pack!
They're headed for the roof!
Go, go, go, go, go.
- This is still going on?
- Was it Terry?
- Nope.
- Wasn't me.
Wait, if you're Terry,
then that must be...
What's up, losers?
- Yes.
- Whoo!
- Wow.
- Whoo.
- Rosa, that was amazing.
- It was not amazing.
She didn't stay handcuffed
to her partner.
She's disqualified.
We'll reset and start over
on the next holiday.
Earth day... an Earth day heist.
- It's perfect.
- Wrong.
Rules said I couldn't
undo the cuffs,
and I didn't.
Oh, not fair.
I didn't know I could
cut off Peralta's hand.
I'll file that away
for next year.
Actually, I think
we're one and done
on the whole handcuff concept.
- This is incredible.
- How'd you do it, Rosa?
Well, back on Halloween,
I knew Jake would make the first
move, and I had to be ready.
You were hiding in the fog.
It wasn't Holt that put
that chair in my pathway.
No, I did.
I wanted to be the one who was
responsible for our victory.
- What?
- We already lost.
There's no point in trying
to maintain team morale now.
Dick.
Anyway, I knew Cheddar
would be making an appearance.
Oh, everyone loves
to see Cheddar.
- He's here a lot.
- I never bring in Arlo.
- Who?
- Exactly.
I spent every morning
for the last year
giving Cheddar a taste for ham.
Oh, so that's why
he got so thick
and ended up on "Chonky Pups."
I submitted his photo.
And once you put Cheddar
on a diet, all I had to do
was mark the gems with a little
of that sweet ham taste.
Why did you want Cheddar
to swallow the gems?
Because I needed
to delay things.
The second part of my plan
took place on Valentine's Day,
which went perfectly.
- Ah, I wouldn't say perfectly.
- Scully swallowed the gems.
- 'Cause I tricked him into it.
- Wasn't hard.
Pretty much used
the same Cheddar ham playbook.
Table ham.
Seven days in a row.
So now I have to think twice
before I eat food
I find lying around.
Thanks a lot.
I marked the gems
with ham again,
and everything pushed to Easter
when I could finally
get rid of Scully as my partner.
Doctor, I'm willing to pay you
to tell Norm Scully
not to participate...
- Participate?
- No, no, no.
Norm Scully should not
be participating
in any activities.
He could die.
I'll go call him right now.
Now I finally had a teammate
whose hand I could cut off.
Just needed a little help
from Terry.
Boy, that thing's
pretty heavy, huh?
Did you bring the tools?
- But you were retired.
- You were loving your smoothies.
Yeah, but after a while,
I felt left out.
And if I'm being honest,
the smoothies
weren't even that good.
I wonder why that was.
Maybe it's because
I hammed your smoothie.
Am I the only one who didn't
get fed ham this year?
Wait, how did you know
about Jake's bunny plan?
You weren't the only one
listening in on his therapy.
Of course the bunnies
should have glasses.
I just can't believe I didn't
come up with it myself.
Oh, you know what?
Betty Rubble
also gives me a bo...
You guys were listening in
on my therapy?
That feels like
a real violation...
Jake, Jake,
this is Rosa's moment.
Yeah, man, go tell it
to your fake therapist.
She's fake?
Anyway, then I grabbed the gems,
jumped off the roof,
and wrote my name in flames.
Wait, why did you keep
delaying the heist?
Couldn't you have just won
at Halloween?
Oh, I did.
These are the real
Halloween gems.
I switched them out
before Cheddar found them.
I also won on Valentine's Day.
What is happening?
I switched those gems out
before I gave them to Scully.
And then I won today.
So while you nerds
are always arguing
about who the only
two-time champion is...
Me.
I just became the first
three-time champion.
I guess there's just
one thing left to do.
To Rosa Diaz,
an amazing human/genius.
To Rosa Diaz.
Well, you did it,
but always remember one thing.
Those gems
were in Scully's butt.
- How dare you.
- I know.
I'm happy for you, I guess.
I don't know.
- Hold on.
- I have some math questions.
If Rosa has three wins,
does Scully have two?
- Am I now tied with Scully?
- No, no, no.
I'm tied with Scully.
You're tied with
the filing cabinet.
The filing cabinet
has more wins than me?
- Yes, obviously.
- Yeah, that's how that works.
- As it should.
- Guys, stop it.
We're supposed to be
celebrating Rosa here,
- not fighting.
- No, no, keep fighting.
It's why I did this.
You know, technically, we all
shared in Jake's first win,
so this might be my fourth.
- What?
- No.
Yeah, that's a good point.
Oh, we also helped Holt win too.
- Oh, shut up, Santiago.
- Just shut up.
- Excuse me?
- Wow, shut up?
- How dare you, sir.
- I won two times.
That is my wife.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.
Fremulon.