Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 20 - Show Me Going - full transcript

Jake, hurry up, I'm starving.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry.

I just had to grab my wallet...

Gentlemen.

Fine, I was trying something,
and it didn't work!

Okay, before we get going,

Sgt. Jeffords has suggested
that it would improve morale

if we started the meeting

with some consensual
non-work jabber.

I just said it might be nice
if you checked in

on the squad's personal lives
every now and then.



Exactly, jabber. Scully, go.

Well, it was just
a regular morning for me.

Woke up again with
my dog's butt on my mouth.

- This experiment has failed.
- Back to work talk.

Peralta, I have a case for you.

Uh, that's a no-can-do, sir.

Excuse me? Oh. Sorry.

I didn't mean to come across
like a rabble rouser.

We're just simply unavail.

We have a meeting
at a new multi-agency,

multi-state task force.

It's a double multi.
It's a multi-multi.

You're better at
everything than I am.

Don't say that.
It is what it is.



They're taking down
a street racing gang

that's been using souped-up cars

to transport drugs
across state lines.

It's a real-life
Fast and the Furious movie.

Don't those movies
glorify lawlessness?

No. They glorify
family and loyalty

and big, hard boobs
on both men and women.

And guess who's heading up
the task force?

Sgt. Boomer Maxwell!

Oh! Damn!

Boomer Maxwell?
What kind of name is that?

Is he a football player
and/or Rugrat?

Dude, he's an NYPD legend.

I heard he took down three
serial killers in one week.

I heard he defused a bomb
with his teeth

because his hands were tied up.

I heard he bangs constantly.

Hitchcock, no chime-ins for you.

Well, good luck.

I know how competitive
these task forces can be.

Especially this one.
Because Boomer's amazing.

In bed. Come on, Hitchcock!

Oh, hey!
What are you doing down here?

Upstairs bathroom's broken.
I think Scully did it.

He says he hasn't been in
the women's bathroom,

but who else would leave a whole

rotisserie chicken in there?

Did you ask Gina
to submit a work order?

Yes, but she hasn't done it yet.

She views doing her job
as "optional."

Well, I'm glad it's broken,
'cause it's nice to see you.

Now, get in that stall
and kill it in there.

What? Sorry. I'm a manager now,

so I'm trying to be
more motivational.

Oh! So it's totally cool
for detectives

to come down here and take
dumps in our bathroom?

Excuse me, Officer,
you need to check your tone.

Sorry, Sarge, but we're all sick

of detectives
looking down on us.

I bet you don't even know
my name, Rosa Diaz.

Okay, look.

I get that there's
always been tension

between uniformed officers
and detectives,

but Rosa is one
of the good guys.

I'm sure she knows your name.

You clearly just texted her
the answer.

No, she didn't. Della Avocado.

It's Alvarado.
Stupid auto-correct.

I knew you were still
one of them.

We all knew.

Great.

Now I'm caught in a turf war

between my new squad
and my old squad.

I know this is a big deal
for you as a manager,

but I gotta pee real bad.

Right. Right, right, right.
I believe in you.

Teach that toilet a lesson!

Oh, my God.

These guys are
the best of the best.

What, are you nervous?
Yeah! Very. You?

I mean, I was, but then I looked

at Boomer's personnel file.

We both started
in the same precinct,

we both took down drug gangs
our first year as detectives,

and we've both been referred
to as... El Ganador.

Oh, that's weird.

I've never heard anyone
calling you that.

Well, they will soon.
The point is,

I'm basically a young
Boomer Maxwell.

Oh, you guys didn't hear?

Boomer's not running
the special unit anymore.

He shattered both his legs

jumping off
the Chrysler Building

onto a passing garbage truck
during a chase.

Damn, that is so cool.

They say he'll never walk again.

Oh. Well, that's very sad.

But also still cool.
He's gonna be an Ironside!

Wait, if Boomer's not doing it,

who's running the task force?

Detective Brett Booth
from Six-Three.

Oh! Cool, cool, cool.

Uh-oh. That was your worried
"cool, cool, cool."

Who's Brett Booth?

We were in the academy together.

During a training exercise,
I shot him with a rubber bullet

and somehow it got underneath
his goggles

and hit him in the eye.

It kind of messed up
his depth perception.

Oh, but that was
a long time ago.

I'm sure he's totally fine now

and he's forgotten all about it.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Jake Peralta,
my old...

Rogers!

It happened again!

I told you to keep
the walkways clear!

You're gonna regret this,
Peralta!

Argh!

Stupid Brett Booth
not letting us

on his task force.

Just because you blinded him
in one eye.

His other one works just fine.

No, I mean, the water cooler
thing was pretty bad.

Yeah, he can't see.
You know what, screw this.

We don't need a task force
to work the case.

All we have to do is solve it
before Booth is done

with his interviews in two days.

That's impossible!

You know I hate
the word "impossible"

unless it's immediately followed

by the words
"Ghost" and "Protocol."

- Shh.
- Be advised.

We have a shooting or something

going on in Brooklyn Heights.
What's going on?

There's an active shooter in
a hotel in Brooklyn Heights.

Requesting additional units,
squad dispatch.

Multiple casualties.

ESU is en route,
and nearby officers

are responding to the scene
right now.

We have people running.

Advising
six or seven shots fired.

Numerous civilians
coming this way.

Warwick, 9238, show me going.

9238, I have you going.

Hi/bert, 9825, show me going.

9825, I have you going.
What are they saying?

"Show me going"
and their badge number.

They're telling dispatch
that they're close by

and they're responding.

Diaz, 3118, show me going.

Diaz? Rosa Diaz?

That's her badge number.

Rosa's there.

So there's limited information
about the situation

in Brooklyn Heights,

but I did manage to speak to
a captain at the Nine-Seven,

who offered an update.

Do we know how many shooters?

Two, possibly three.

Again, the situation's
still developing,

but as of now,
there are three dead

and multiple wounded,
all civilians.

So we're going up there, right?

To help Rosa?

ESU is on the scene,

and the Nine-Seven is
locking down the area.

It's already a zoo.

They wanted us to
remain on alert,

but not to respond.

Yeah, but that's
just a suggestion,

like how they tell you to drink

eight cups of water every month.

A day.
Sarge, come on. This is not

the time for jokes.
No, it wasn't a suggestion.

We've been ordered to go
about our business as usual.

I know you're all concerned
about Rosa,

but she's not going in alone.

She's part of a massive
NYPD response.

And it's Rosa, right?

I mean, she's a badass.

She's the toughest of all of us.

No offense, guys.

No, that's accurate. Very fair.

I could take her.
What? I'm wily.

I promise you,
I will keep you updated

if I learn anything.

In the meantime,
you all have jobs to do.

Dismissed.

Ames. She's gonna be okay.

I know.

I love you.

Love you too.

Are you done trying
to get into Amy's pants?

What?
I'm sorry. I'm freaking out.

Look, I'm worried too,

but spiraling isn't
gonna help anything.

We can't go up there,
so the best thing we can do

is try not to think about it.

How are supposed to do that?

Well, it's called
compartmentalizing.

Not to brag, but when you come
from a broken home,

you get pretty good at it.

It's like,
"Hey, whose bra is that"

"in the back seat
of my dad's car?"

"I'm sure it just blew
in there on accident."

"Anyways, off to third grade!"

I can't. I dwell on everything.

I'm a dweller.
I wake up every morning,

I'm worrying about
the Zika virus.

Why is nobody talking
about Zika anymore?

There's no way it's fixed!

Okay, look. We'll just ignore
what's going on together.

Okay? Let's focus on the case.

Let's become street racers.

Okay, Charles.

How do I look?

So cool. How do I look?

Uh...
You definitely made a choice.

You almost look like...
Speed Racer?

Right?
This is exactly what he wears!

And the best part is...

I can use the kerchief
to start the race!

Well, I wanted this op to feel
normal and it does.

This is quintessential Charles.

Okay. Let's go over
the backstories. I can start.

Actually, it's maybe better
for me to go first

so you can make
some internal edits

before you say yours out loud.

Perfect. After you. Great.

My name is Axel Richards.

I've been driving stolen cars
since I was six years old.

Wow, that's young. Oh, yeah.

I had to use a Wiffle Ball bat
to just reach the gas pedal,

and I never learned
to use the brakes.

That sounds so dangerous.

Not if you know
what you're doing.

Great response. Thank you.

Anyways, things went south
when I got addicted to drugs

after my best friend died in
an active shooter situation.

Oh, I see what I did there.

Hey. What are you doing in here?

Holt's scanner
was making me anxious,

so I came in here to listen
to some calming music.

It's me singing the song
I wrote.

Subway girl.

Gettin' all the looks.

Ho/din' onto your.

Big pile of books, yeah.

Listen. I was thinking,
Rosa seemed pretty annoyed

about the broken toilet up here,

and since she's having
a rough day,

I thought it would be nice

if we got it fixed for her
before she got back.

And you came to me
'cause I'm the only one

who ever gets anything done
around here.

And because you were supposed
to get it fixed last week,

so this is kind of a
second chance for you.

This is a time of crisis,
so we're supposed to be

lifting each other up.

Why don't you call that plumber
I've been asking you to call

for a few hours now?

All units, hold your positions.

Any news, Sergeant?

Uh, last I heard,
they've located one shooter,

but they can't get to him.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't
realize you were on the phone.

Oh, just on hold. What's up?

I just wanted to check in
to see if you were all right.

I couldn't help but notice that
you've flattened your mouse.

Sorry. I get crushy
when I'm nervous.

If there's anything
you want to talk about,

my door is always open.

Metaphorically.

In reality,
I often keep my door closed,

for privacy, security,
climate control...

You know what? I never even
should've used a metaphor.

I'm better than that.

If there's anything
you want to talk about,

please do so now.

There is.

I'm so scared for Rosa.

And I realized,
I haven't looked at

my life insurance policy
since Ava was born.

I'm on hold with them now.

Terry needs a bulkier plan!

Look, I get that you're worried

about your own mortality.

Perhaps this fact
will comfort you.

As an NYPD officer,
you're more likely to be

crushed by scaffolding
than to die on the job.

Oh, God.

This is a city of scaffolding!

No, no, Sergeant,
I was only trying to point out

that there are millions
of potential ways to die.

Do you know how common
choking is?

What are you doing, man?

Yeah, so this won't be
a problem.

I can pencil you in tomorrow.

Oh. Uh, we kind of need you
to fix it

before our friend
gets back today.

I'm sorry,
it's gonna take a while,

and I have other appointments.

Well, can you cancel them?

I didn't want to do this,
but our friend is a cop,

and she's caught in a Brooklyn
Heights shooting right now.

Oh!

So you think
you're the first people

that ever needed a toilet fixed

'cause a loved one's life
was in danger?

Yes?

You're not. Welcome to New York.

Well...

That's a grim commentary
on the city we live in.

Refresh. No news.
Refresh. No news.

Why is there no news?

Charles, come on.
Compartmentalize, remember?

Try and think happy thoughts
like the Shrek musical.

Come on, Jake,
you know they shut that down.

The health board said there
was too much mud on the stage!

Yeah, probably for the best.
All right, that didn't work.

How about this?
Let's clean up our desks.

Right? That's always good
for a distraction.

Oh, no.
Rosa gave me this notepad.

I remember I was all,
"Anyone got a notepad?"

And she said, "Yep, here."

Oh, my God, that's so Rosa.
I know.

Okay. So, before you can
change a policy,

I'm gonna have to ask you
a few medical questions,

check your vitals.

Great. Just do it fast.

Terry knows
tomorrow's not promised.

Okay. Then let's start
with your blood pressure.

We can skip this part.

I always clock in
at 130 over 80.

Terry's in tiptop.

Shots fired. Shots fired!

What? Is anybody hurt?

I don't know. Oh, man.

And your BP's at 290. Oh, 350.

You broke the machine.

All right, screw this.

There were shots fired.

I just got off the phone.
There are two officers down.

Neither one of them is Diaz.

What, are we supposed to
wait until one is?

Sir, we have to go up there.
We have to help Rosa.

ESU has more than
enough manpower,

and we have been ordered
to stay in this precinct

by the commissioner.

So what?

He's not a part of our squad.
He doesn't care about her.

Look, I know you're concerned
about Diaz, as am I.

Nevertheless, I am ordering
you to stay in this precinct.

Fine.

I understand that's your order.

What'd he say? Doesn't matter.

I'm gonna go help Rosa.

Okay, I'm going up to
the scene of the shooting,

and I need your help.

I can't sign tactical gear
out of the armory

without Holt's approval.
That's our mission objective.

First things first.
Let's synchronize our watches.

These don't work.
They're just status symbols.

Okay, we'll use our phones,

which are connected
to the internet.

I don't get the internet
with my Netscape Blip.

Let's just use
the regular clocks.

At 3:34, I'll go into the armory

and hand the officer in charge
a list of items.

Then, at 3:35, you two
will cause a distraction

that draws Holt
into the bullpen.

When Holt's not looking,
I'll sneak into the office

and answer the phone
when the armory calls

asking for approval,

fooling them with my
spot-on Holt impression.

I'm Captain Holt.

Yeah, I don't know,
something feels off.

He sounds too white.
Here's how you do it.

No, no, that's okay!
Luckily I have a backup plan.

I got the Holt soundboard app
from Gina.

I'm. Raymond. Holt.

Get. Some. Get. Some.

Man, soundboard Holt
is so horny.

Anyways, Hitchcock and Scully,
to distract the captain,

I'm gonna need you
to get in a fight.

Us? The buddies?
How would that even work?

You guys are adorable.

But we don't have time
for this, so figure it out!

Okay, so that plumber
was useless.

But we are two smart
and capable people

who can definitely figure out
how to fix a toilet.

Of course we can.

The internet will tell us
what to do.

She always does.

Yes!

I'll just search
"toilet videos."

Ugh! So much porn!

Probably should've been
more specific.

"Person fixing broken toilet."
More porn.

How about this?
"Instructional video"

"from a plumber on how to fix
an actual toilet."

Still porn!
How is that still porn?

Okay, you know what,
this isn't rocket science.

All right?
The first thing we gotta do,

shut off the water supply.

Did I do that?

That's an Urkel reference,
from the show F ami/y Matters.

Do you remember that?

Hey, there.
I want to check out some gear.

All right.

Okay. Get ready.

It's showtime. What?

Hmm? Oh, I just said...
I have Showtime.

The cable channel.

Mmm. Must be nice.

Scully and Hitchcock are just
looking at each other.

I'm a little worried
they're not gonna be able...

You son of a bitch!

Okay, we're a go.

Argh! Ooh!

Oh, my God, they're in
a penis punch 69!

Ooh! Ahhh!

Hey, hey, hey!

What's going on?
Why are you fighting?

Well, he punched me in the nuts,

so I punched him in the nuts,

so he punched me in the nuts,

so I punched him in the nuts.

But why?
You still haven't told me why.

Um... Um...

Ooh!

Okay. I just need to get
Holt's approval.

Go for it.

- This. Ls. Holt.
- Hey.

It's Officer Wilg at the armory.

I got Peralta here.

He's signing out body armor
and a long gun.

/s he all c/ear?

Yes. Approved.

Thanks. Oh, hey, Raymond.

Can't wait for you and Kevin
to come over and meet the baby.

We still on for Thursday, right?

Screw. That.

I'm sorry, I thought you
wanted to meet baby Carol.

Her surgery was such a success.

- Screw. That.
- Screw. That.

Get. Some. Good. Bye.

Ah. What a weirdo.

Anyways, thanks for the gun.

Okay.

That should work.

The hose thing was disconnected
from the pipe thing,

so the tub thing wasn't filling.

Now we just have to
turn this back on.

And test it.

Wait, first, let's say a prayer.

Dear Beyoncé, Solange, Rihanna,

someone cool that's white,

Cardi B,
please bless this flush.

A-woman.

Okay.

Ah! It works.

We did it!

Uh, what's that weird noise?

It doesn't sound good.

No, no, no. It sounds fine.

That's totally normal.
We fixed it.

Oh, damn.

Gah! Going somewhere?

Fine, yes, you got me.

So how'd you know
I was sneaking out?

I got a couple of very angry
texts from Officer Wilg

accusing me of "hating"
my own goddaughter.

How close are you
with Colin from the armory?

Let's focus
on the real question.

Why are you disobeying an
order from the commissioner?

I'm clearly the good guy here.

All right? If this was a movie,
no one would be on your side.

You're basically the guy
in Ghostbusters

who lets all the ghosts out.

There's no such thing as ghosts.

Exactly.
Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go help Rosa.

How? This isn't a movie.

You're not gonna rush
onto the scene

and single-handedly take down
all the bad guys.

I might. My gun is pretty big.

It barely fits in the car.

You want to be a hero?

You want to actually
get something done?

Your friends and colleagues
right here

are struggling,
and they need you.

I did everything I could.
I tried to distract me

and Charles all day long,
and it didn't work.

They don't need to
be distracted.

They need someone to help them
face their fears

and deal with the reality
of the situation.

Okay, great.
So why don't you do it?

I tried, but it didn't work.

I'm not particularly skilled
at emotional jabber.

I was hoping you would step up.

And I was hoping to actually
do something valuable

like help Rosa.

So are you gonna stand
in my way or not?

Okay, I think I got it.

Just have to tighten this here,

and here we go.

Please work.

Come on.

Come on!

Flush, you stupid
son of a bitch!

Argh!

Wow. Bitches really do be crazy.

Sorry. We should just give up.

This was such a dumb idea.

Yeah, it would only matter
if we actually thought

Rosa was coming home today.

We should keep going, right?
Definitely.

Also, it's fun to watch you
get destroyed by a toilet.

Hello?

You know what, I'm trying
to keep this line open,

so I don't have time
for your bull crap.

Goodbye, Mom.

I'm so sorry, how's your penis?

Sore. How's your penis?

Sore. I'm proud of us.

Still too high.
Okay. What if I cut myself?

Just to let
some of the blood out?

I'm sorry,
but I can't stay here all day.

I have other things to do.

You a traveling nurse, man.
Don't big-time me.

I'm sorry.
Look, it's been a tough day.

Hey, everyone, I got pizza.

Grab a slice.

It's probably gonna be
a really long night,

and none of you
have eaten anything.

Peralta,
why are you back so soon?

Because I wanted
to do something.

Hey, guys.
How're you holding up?

I mean, not great, but I know

you really don't want
to talk about it.

No. We should talk about it.

I'm really scared for Rosa.

Me too.

And it keeps making me
think about my kids.

I mean,
how do I deal with the fact

that every day I leave for work,

I might not come home?

Man, I don't even know, Terry.

I don't have kids yet,
but I know you love them.

And I feel like that's all you
can really do, right?

I mean, now that
I'm getting married,

I keep thinking if something
happens to me,

it'll actually affect
someone else.

I'd get over it eventually,
after a lot of therapy.

I was more talking about Amy,
but, yes, you too, Charles.

Hey, look at that.

130 over 80.

Back to normal.

I can get out of your hair now.

Nice.

Told you, Andrew.

Terry's in tiptop.

Thanks, Jake.

Captain.
I know you don't eat pizza,

but I figured you'd want
to be included.

Uh, thank you.

You know what would make
a great movie?

One where the hero
sits with his friends

and they talk
about their emotions.

I know that you're just
being nice right now,

but that would be
a terrible movie.

I mean,
what would the poster even be?

Just a bunch of people's faces?

Guys. Guys, guys, guys.

They just took both shooters
into custody.

Officers got injured
in the action.

They don't say how many.

Call Diaz. Get her cell.

Damn it.

It's still just going
to voice mail.

Okay. I don't have the names
of the injured officers,

but if Diaz is unharmed,

she should be
contacting us shortly.

Or, if her phone is dead,

perhaps she'll be walking out
the elevator at any moment.

Come on, Scully!

You can't be doing stuff
like that, man!

I was just making
a copy downstairs.

Yeah, well, next time, think.

About what? I don't know!

Okay, Jake.
Come on, man. Go easy on him.

- Diaz!
- Rosa!

You're okay!
Where'd you come from?

Felt like walking,
so I took the stairs.

Also, I thought it'd be funny
to mess with you guys.

Rosa, you know I hate pranks.

You love pranks.
I do. I really do.

You did it so good.

Were you guys worried
about me or something?

No.

So what happened?
Did they shoot at you?

Were you in the thick of it?

It's been a really tough day.

I just want to get a beer.

I don't feel like
getting into it.

Are you sure?
Because the journey

I went on today taught me

that sometimes it's best
to talk about things...

Jake.
Right. It was a stupid idea.

And Holt told me to do it, so...

Let's just go get a drink
and sit in total silence.

Perfect.
First, I gotta go to the can.

Actually,
you might want to check out

the ladies' room up here.

Hey, Rosa, it's me,
Gina Linetti.

Welcome back.

Me and Amy made
a little surprise for you,

and I think you're gonna
like it very, very much.

Come on, girl.

Ta-da!

You made it sound like
you fixed the toilet.

Yeah, I thought
maybe Amy would've

pulled something together
in the two minutes

I stepped outside.

Hey, Gina! Look what I stole
from the Barnes and...

Oh, my God, Rosa!
I'm so happy to see you!

Wait, are you covered
in toilet water?

Yes, big-time.
But this is happening.

Ugh. Fine.

I kind of feel like I'm lurking.

Gina, get in here.

Yay!