Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 21 - White Whale - full transcript

I am so sick of this city.

I go into a coffee shop,

and as soon as everybody sees

that I'm a cop,
they stop talking

and they avoid
eye contact with me.

One lady even walked out.

I am just so tired
of being treated

- like the enemy...
- Hey, Hitchcock?

Your penis is hanging out.

Oh. Well, that's a relief.

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All right, there are
seven days until the wedding,

so we are officially
transitioning

from the "Month Of" binder to...

"Week Of" binder. My goodness.

They're getting bigger.
You should see

the honeymoon binder. Ooh.

Is there a tab for sex stuff?

Several. And they're cascading.

Yeah, they are.
Today's our only day off

before Saturday.
We have 24 hours

to accomplish a week's worth
of wedding prep.

This is what getting
married is all about.

And spending your life
with your soul mate.

Uh-huh. Hey, Rosa,



why do you have a picture
of Sergio Mindar up?

Facial recognition picked
him up at JFK yesterday.

He finally resurfaced
after seven years.

Who's Sergio Mindar?
The bane of my existence.

- Bane from Batman.
- Right?

Continue.

He's a ruthless killer
who built a meth empire.

We were tracking him for weeks,

but he kept getting away.

Finally, we cornered him
in a warehouse.

Every exist was covered
and he just vanished.

Then he sent us a postcard
from Paraguay a year later

just to taunt us.
It was diabolical.

Yeah, it was full
of grammar errors...

And other taunts that
normal people care about.

That was the first time
I was the primary on a case.

The fact that I let him
get away still haunts me.

He's been in
every dream I've had

for the last seven years.

Even the one you told me about

where you're
flying on a marshmallow?

Who do you think was riding

the jellybean I was chasing?
Mindar.

Well, you won't
be haunted any longer

because we're gonna catch him.

Rosa, I'm working
this case with you.

Jake, I know we have a ton
of wedding stuff to do, but...

No, no, no. You absolutely
have to do this.

He's your white whale.
He's your Johnny Franzia.

Who? My archnemesis?

Johnny Franzia?
The guy who's been

tormenting me with
a deck of cards for years?

"Looks like
deuces are wild, Peralta"?

Seriously? I feel like I talk

about him constantly,
but it doesn't matter.

You definitely have to go.
I'll handle the wedding stuff.

Are you sure? It's a lot
to get done in one day.

Absolutely. You work the case,

and hey, if you guys need
any pointers

on a cool high five
or something, I could...

Well, if you need
any suggestions, let me know.

This all looks fine.
Charles, shh.

I wasn't talking. Shh!

Olivia Crawford just
got off the elevator.

My rival for
the commissionership?

She's here right now?
I've got to come up

with a confident opening salvo.

Think, Raymond. Think.

Hello, Raymond. Olivia.

You have a little bit of...

Goop in your eye.

Oh, thank you.

I'm sorry to barge in like this,

but I have a source
on the nominating committee.

They're making
their recommendation

to the mayor at the end
of next week,

and it seems that John Kelly

is going to beat out both of us.

Big shocker.

The straight white man
wins again.

Exactly. Amen.

That was my complaint

about Owen winning Top Chef Jr

and you guys all acted
like I was crazy.

Half of the committee
supports John Kelly,

and the other half is divided
between the two of us.

We're splitting the vote.
So for either of us

to have a chance,
one of us needs to step aside.

Exactly. You should drop out.

Is what you said to yourself

in the mirror this morning

instead of checking
your eye for goop.

And I agree.
You should drop out.

Is what you said
to yourself in the mirror

this morning while
polishing your head.

Don't you think it's time
New York had

its first female commissioner?

What about its first openly
gay commissioner?

Yes, that would
be vital and important

if you weren't
one million years old.

You do know that exaggeration
is the huckster's crutch?

Also, I come off quite youthful.

You just said
"huckster's crutch."

Step aside... Grandpa.

Hey, hey, Sarge.

Large and in charge
like El DeBarge.

Quick "quesht".

How would you like to spend
your day off with me

doing an endless list
of wedding tasks?

I can see from your eyes
you're excited.

No way. Sharon
and the girls are going

on a playdate all day
and I'm going to see a movie

for grown-ups.
No talking animals

and tons of cuss words.

I know cuss words.
Come with me and I'll cuss

at you all day long,
you big piece of crap.

Yeah, that sounds fun,
but I'm gonna

stick with the movie.
No, no, no.

Please don't do that. Look...

I promised Amy I could
get everything done,

and I definitely can't.
Breaking promises is how

marriages end,
not how they start!

What is that? I have 143 tasks

to get through
in the next 12 hours.

I set a recurring alarm
so I know how fast

I should be moving.
Well, how's that going?

Not well. I'm already
three tasks behind

and the alarms keep piling up.
It's kind of making me feel

a little bit stressed out.
Please help me, Sarge.

Please. Come on, you're, like,

the best husband ever.

You're like the Tiger Woods
of being a husband.

What he was to golf, not what
he was to being a husband.

Terry's husband game
is flawless.

Okay, I'm in... But you owe me.
Yes!

Anything you want.
Now, let's roll out,

you friggin' dick!

Wait, you don't have
to cuss at me, man.

No, it's too late.
It's already locked in.

God, looking at these old files

is really bringing back
some memories.

Sergio's evil voice,
his stupid face...

His delicious aroma.

Man, I hated
how good he smelled.

I know. That jerk smelled
like an English garden.

He almost made me quit
the force, but my God,

I could breathe him in for days.

Why do you think he came back?

According to
this picture from JFK,

he's taking the bus,
so I'm guessing

he's out of money in Paraguay.
Right.

Didn't his number two say
he had to leave a bunch

of his cash behind
before he fled?

Hey, look at this.

Sergio's getting on the B15.
That goes to Bed-Stuy

via Garvey Avenue, where he had

a hideout in an old brownstone.

I don't know.
You think he's dumb enough

to go back there? Yeah, I do.

You know why?

'Cause he forgot
who was on his tail.

Nope, he remembered.

And he used the wrong "you're"

and the wrong "too"!
Son of a bitch!

Ugh! Damn it,
he still smells great.

How is this guy always
one step ahead of us?

God, I hate him!

- Ow! My noggin!
- Oh, no.

It's happening again.

This is exactly like last time.

No, it's not.
What makes you say that?

God, I hate him!

Ow! My noggin!

Okay, fine. But not
everything is the same.

Honestly, the only thing that's
different is Hitchcock's hair.

Ow! My noggin!

How dare you, Diaz?

Oh, I miss that toupee.
You know it was a reversible?

No, you know
what else is different?

We're better cops now.
Look, Sergio knew

that we knew about that hideout.

It was listed in his
original arrest warrant.

Right. We need to
find a connection

to him that he doesn't know
that we know about.

Wait.

What about his grandmother?

She was the last person
he visited

before he fled. I don't know.

I'm just not sure
we'll be able to get

some old bag to squeal
on her grandson.

Clearly, you've never
seen me with the elderly.

They love me.

I can talk about
coupons for days, son.

That's right, you're
looking at a senior queen.

What is that? That's
not a widely-used term.

Jake, you gotta pick a napkin.

The binder said
they should be beige.

I didn't realize there'd
be 45 different shades.

"Chanterelle," "desert
whimsy," "filbert husk"?

Words have no more
meaning, Terry.

We're running out of time, man.

You gotta make a call.
But what if I choose wrong?

That's a terrible way
to start off a marriage.

People won't even watch
our first dance.

They're gonna be too busy
laughing at the napkins.

Okay. Maybe I can
narrow it down.

Uh, I think I don't like
desert whimsy.

Okay. Why did you
pause like that

before you said "okay"?
Was that secretly

your favorite one?
Look, you know Amy

better than anyone.
You just have to

trust your gut.
What is your gut telling you?

That I'm a terrible
napkin chooser

and will therefore be
a horrible spouse.

That is not your gut.
That is your crazy,

nonsense brain. Trust me, Jake.

You know the right napkin.
Is it this one?

With that crimping? No way.

Oh, my God, what did I just do?

You listened to your gut!

Yes! I have a gut! My groom gut!

Every groom has one.
You just had to find yours.

Okay, I can do this.
Uh, this one's too big.

This is too scratchy.
This one is shedding.

This one's too rustic.
Am I using that term right?

Yes, you're doing it!
It is too rustic!

This one. Classy,
but very absorbent.

Simple, and it won't clash
with our color scheme.

It's perfect! We'll take it!

Groom gut! Groom gut!

Did you hear anything
from Olivia?

She's not gonna step down,
and neither am I.

We're at an impasse. Okay.

Well, Gina and I have been
discussing the situation

and we think we know
what you need to do.

Oh? What is that?
Whisper campaign.

It's the best way
to bring down an enemy

if you don't wanna
get your hands dirty.

How do you think I stole
the cheese club presidency

away from Bruce? Whisper.

I heard he thought Camembert

was goat cheese.

And how do you think I got Janet

and her horrible daughter
Dakota to drop out

of baby bongos class? Whispers.

I heard Dakota has
foot and mouth disease.

Sir, you have to give us
permission to do this.

Weaponize our sweet
little mouths.

Ugh, how are we on
the same side of this?

This is not a strategy
I'd normally entertain,

however,
challenging Olivia publicly

is out of the question, so
what do you have in mind?

Whispers. Yes, I know,

but what specifically
are the words

that you would be whispering?

She lied on her resume.

She's a shoplifter.
She planted evidence.

She seduced a priest.
She pads her stats.

She's sort of stanky, I heard.

No, no. I wanna be commissioner

of the NYPD, but I want
to achieve it honorably.

There has to be another way.

There isn't.

Whispers.

So Louise Mindar is
right over there, officers.

Oh, please don't call us that.

We're undercover.
Yeah, we're pretending

we like old people
and don't think they're gross.

Some of us aren't pretending.

I think the elderly
are treasures to society.

Actually, from experience,
she is more right.

You definitely shouldn't
be working here,

but thank you for your help.

All right, Rosa, time for
some senior seduction.

Hello, Mrs. Mindar.
We're from Sunset for Seniors,

and we're here
to brighten your day.

Where's my regular girl?
Oh, she's sick.

Appendicitis.

Oh, Frank's niece just had that.

- Hi, I'm Eunice.
- Hi, Eunice.

We're talking to Louise. Oh...

So, I have a really fun
activity for today.

- We are going to...
- You know what?

I was wrong. Frank's niece
had a botched uterus.

Thank you
for that visual, Eunice.

I thought we could do
an oral history project

on your family.
Wouldn't that be a hoot?

Oh, I guess so.

Well, I was born during
the Depression,

and I had to sleep in a dresser
drawer till I was three.

Yeah, this is more of
a recent history.

Like, in the last week or so,
have you had any visits

from family?
I don't have any relatives,

except for my grandson,

who I haven't seen
in seven years.

Thank you for
reminding me of that.

Yeah, we all have
family problems.

The question is,
are you going to see him soon?

How do I know?
He never calls me.

My turn. I was born
in the Depression too,

but we were extremely rich.

We had a chambermaid.
Not now, Eunice.

Okay, so we are way behind.

Picking out napkins took up
a shockingly large part

of the day, which is funny,
because in my regular life,

I don't use napkins ever.
That's gross,

but the good news is, your
groom gut is all fired up.

She sure is,
and she's hungry for tasks.

Your groom gut is a woman?
Yeah, why?

I think it's really cool.
Oh, thanks!

All right, let's
crush this list.

Calla lilies?
Do you think I'm planning

a funeral? I want dahlias.

No, no, no. Brown sprinkles

at the ice cream bar?

Do you think
I'm planning a funeral?

Give me rainbow!

Mini lamb shanks?

Do you think
I'm planning a funeral?

Swap 'em out for
some tiny tuna tacos.

Why do you keep saying
the funeral thing?

Because my groom gut
has a catchphrase.

Doy.

Hey, Sarge, look at this!

I cleared all my alarms.
We're amazing!

Should we start a business
where we just become

professional choosers?
We could call it...

"Pro-Choice Industries." Jake?

You're right. That name
is needlessly political,

but the business idea is solid.
No,

I'm not talking about that.
All those decisions you made?

You are way over budget.

Oh, no. My groom gut
is a fancy bitch.

Well, our only lead
turned to crap.

Let me go back in there.
I just need a little more time

with Louise. Did you see Eunice?

She was practically
humping my leg.

No, dude, it's over.
We lost Sergio.

Oh, God, I just wanna
crush something.

Look, we will find him.
No, we won't.

I thought I was a better cop
than I was seven years ago,

but I'm not.
I'm still the same loser

who lost him back then.
Stupid loser!

That's very wasteful.

Thank you for your wisdom.
Greatest generation.

Look, you didn't lose him
back then.

Yes, I did. I had him cornered

and I lost him. No. I lost him.

I'm the one who let him
get away the first time.

What? When we had him cornered

in that warehouse,
you told me to cover the back.

I thought I heard something on
the roof and I left my post.

You always wondered
how he got away?

I let him. It was my fault.

And I never told you. Seriously?

Hey, Louise Mindar has been
signed out of the building

for a therapy appointment,
but she doesn't do therapy

and hasn't left
the premises in years.

Oh, my God, she must
be going to see Sergio.

Maybe. Definitely!

Rosa, we have a lead!
We finally have a lead!

Whatever.
I'm not talking to you.

Let's go.

That seems like a good thing.
Why isn't she happier?

There's a lot going on
that I can't explain, Ezra!

But thank you.
Seriously, you saved the day.

Look at us.

Following an old lady,

about to catch our white whale.

Ah, just another exciting day
for the sleuth sisters.

That's a name
I just came up with.

If you like it, stay silent.

Good, I like it too.
That's our name forever.

Oh, that's weird.

The nursing home's
calling me. Hello?

He//o, this is Eunice,

the lady from the home
with the chambermaid.

Yes. I mentioned Frank's niece's

botched uterus.
We know who you are, Eunice.

What can I help you with?
You said to call you

if I saw anything peculiar.
Mmm-hmm?

There's a very strange man
in Louise's room,

digging around while she's away.

/sn't that peculiar?
Can I put you on hold?

/s there music?

//ove the mu...

I bet that's Sergio.

I bet he set up
this whole Louise thing

as a distraction to get us
out of the nursing home

because that's where
he stashed his cash

before he went to Paraguay.

Damn it, I wish there
was some way to know

if that peculiar man was Sergio.

Eunice, what did
the man smell like?

Like an English garden.

Okay, I have a plan
to get us back on budget.

I got my groom gut to agree
to a more basic wine package.

Basic meaning simple,
or basic meaning "basic"?

Basic meaning "basic," Terry.

We're drinking the wine with
the foot on the label,

but it's a huge savings
and we can make up the rest

if we just assemble
the gift bags ourselves.

Okay, we can do that.

How much work can that
possibly be?

Here are Amy's instructions.

"Place eight Jordan almonds,
two pink, two blue,

"two white, and two purple
at the center

"of the organza square.
Draw the corners to a point

"and use
the two-centimeter ribbon

"to cinch into a mini-bag."
Good Lord.

That doesn't sound so bad.
That's step one... Of 38.

We don't have time for that!
We need help.

We need to hire a team. I know,

but there's no money
in the budget.

Unless... Maybe we could
find people

that were willing to work for
something other than money.

Hey, Hitchcock and Scully!
How would you two like

to earn some candy almonds?

You got our attention.

Water bottle. Nut assortment.

Local jam. Jake and Amy cookie.

Cone of pretzels.
Jordan almonds, and...

Aspirin for the morning after.

Cake pops. And cinch and...

Done. Blink.

Mmm. Block.

Sir, Olivia Crawford
is on her way up.

I know. I invited her.

Did you change your mind
about the whispering?

'Cause we came up
with some dandies.

I heard she's a day drinker.

I heard she doesn't like me.

I actually did hear that.
Officer Thomas told me.

I told you I wouldn't
be doing that.

I've come up with
a different plan

and I've implemented it.
Raymond.

Hello.

You have goop in your eye.
No, I don't.

I rinsed my eyes
before you arrived.

Fine. What's this about?

I wanted to let you know
that I've thought it over,

and I've been acting selfishly.

I wasn't considering
what's best for this city.

That's why, before you got here,

I sent a letter
withdrawing my name

from the commissioner's race.
What?

No! You're young and smart

and progressive
and a hell of a lot better

than John Kelly.
I've been waiting

my entire career for
a commissioner like you.

Captain... If I have to be

the bigger person to open
the doors to change, then...

I also felt bad.

And I also sent in a letter

withdrawing my name
from contention.

We just made John Kelly
commissioner.

Not if we get those letters
back before anyone reads them.

Are you too old to run?
Are you too inexperienced

to know that power-walking
is a far more efficient

and sustainable method
of hurrying?

Burn.

Wow!

We're actually gonna
get these gift bags

to the venue before they close.
Thank you, Terry.

Don't thank me.

Hitchcock and Scully
did more than I did.

Yeah, but you had to hold
your hand near their mouths

when you fed them those almonds.

And that's scary.
We're like snapping turtles.

Exactly. All right,
let's get going.

Those chocolates are gonna melt.

Oop. Open up.

I gave you the keys. Oh, right.

Um... Oh, no.
Where did I put them?

Let's see.
I had them in my left hand,

and then I went
to open the trunk,

so I switched to my right hand.

Oh, but then I had to sneeze,
and I thought,

"I don't want to sneeze
on these keys."

Dr. Seuss. Not really,
but should be.

Do not sneeze on my keys.
Do not wheeze on my keys.

Do not sneeze on your knees
on my keys, if you please.

Jake, could you please move
along on this thought journey?

Yeah, right, sorry.
Okay, so then I put them

on top of a plastic tub,
which is...

Locked inside the car.

The keys are locked
inside the car!

Why?

He's gone. Look at the vent.

We were right.
He came back for the cash.

Hi, it's Eunice,
the lady with the chambermaid.

Yes, Eunice,
we know who you are.

That man is
in the hall right now.

- What?
- Ooh.

He's heading for the back exit!

Look! There's Sergio.

Damn it!
He's getting away again.

Not this time, partner.
See you on the ground.

What? You're mine, Sergio!

Ow!

Did he get away?

Yes. Very easily.

What the hell were you thinking?

You're lucky you just
dislocated your knee.

How do you know it's dislocated?

I went to med school
for three years.

You did? When?
That's not the point!

Why did you jump off
the building?

I was trying to make up

for letting him get away
seven years ago.

What? I don't care about that.

You had an instinct.
You followed it

and you were wrong.
That happens to everybody.

I care that you lied to me.

It's just...

We didn't know each
other well back then,

and, to be honest, when I
first got to the Nine-Nine,

I was a little intimidated
by you.

Good. Go on.

And then it got more and
more awkward to bring up,

so I never did.

I just hoped that we'd catch
him eventually

and you'd never be tipped off
to the fact that I let him go.

Oh!

What are you doing with
your face and your voice?

I had an epiphany
and I got real excited.

I moved my knee
and now I hurt a-real bad.

Okay, breathe through the pain

and tell me what
you figured out.

Someone tipped off Sergio

that the cops were visiting
his grandmother,

and there was only one person
that knew we were cops.

That nurse who hates
old people, Ezra.

Of course. Never leave
your money unprotected.

That's the first thing
I learned in business school.

You also went
to business school?

Yeah, and I also have
a pilot's license. Whatever.

Point is, now we have
a link to Sergio,

so let's go get him.
So we're good?

You're not mad at me anymore?

No. You're about to be
real mad at me.

For what? 'Cause I'm
gonna reset your knee.

Look at the bunny. Huh?

Ahhh!

I called the locksmith. He said an hour.
That means two hours minimum.

We can't wait that long. Our little
cookie faces are already melting.

We look like
a couple of Slimers.

Yeah, those cookies
are definitely ruined.

I'll take them off your hands.
You're a good person, Scully.

This is crazy.

Why don't you have
a backup key, Terry?

The dealer tried charging me
an extra $300 for it.

I told him I didn't want it

because Terry
never loses his keys.

Yeah, but Jake does.
You always have to plan

around me.
I'm a part of your life.

All right, look. We only
have one option left.

You're gonna have to pick up the
car and carry it to the venue.

Well, how will we get
the bags out?

Is that seriously
your only problem

with what I just said?
Pretty much.

This was a test.
These tasks were a way

for me to prove I was gonna
be a good husband,

and I failed! Jake,

being a good husband doesn't
mean you have to pass some test

or do everything right.
Do you have any idea

how often I mess things up?

So you're a bad husband too? No.

Definitely not.
You're cutting in too soon

before the point. Sorry.

Look, being a good husband
is about caring enough to try.

This whole day,
you've been doing

everything possible to
make sure Amy was happy.

You keep doing that,
you gonna be okay,

even if you make some mistakes.

You're right.

Thanks, Terry.

Hiyah!

What the hell? My van!

What are you doing?

Whatever it takes
to make Amy happy.

You told me to do this.
Now, let's get these gift bags

to the venue!

Oh, my God! Why did you do that?

Because I care!
Oh, it feels so good.

Why'd you break
a second window, fool?

You know, you're really stepping
on my moment here, Terry.

I love Amy Santiago!

We're gonna take
each other's names!

Let's go!

- Boyle, watch the door.
- Watch the door.

That's the job they always give
the coolest guy in the heist.

Everyone else, dig in.
We're looking for any letter

addressed to Deputy
Commissioner Stevenson.

Are we even sure they're here?

I messengered mine over.
There are only three

building-wide
distributions a day.

The next one isn't until 6:00
p.m., so we still have 22 minutes.

What are we looking for?
Can you describe the envelope?

It was a white #10.
It's the same kind you use

to send fan mail to yourself.

I've never done that,
but I do know what envelopes

my fans use,
so that's very helpful.

Is this it?

Yes! Well done, Olivia.

Okay, tear that up,

and now we just have
to find your letter.

What are the dimensions
of your envelope?

Zero by zero.

It's too late for me.

I withdrew from the race
by e-mail.

What? Yes, I use e-mail

because I'm not
a million years old.

Listen, the only reason why
I even made it this far

is because you stood up for me
to the selection committee.

I came here to make sure
that at least one of us

stays in the running. Someone
has to beat John Kelly.

So you better get that damn job.

'Cause I'm excited to have you
as my commissioner.

Thank you, Olivia.

And I'll be excited for you
to be commissioner after me.

That'll probably be
in a matter of months,

once you die from old age.

Go get 'em, Grandpa.

Nurse Ezra, hey.
Do you have a minute?

I'm actually
kind of busy right now.

Right, harboring a fugitive.
Should I come back, or...

He's here and on the move!

All right, Sergio.

We've been waiting
seven years to say this.

Sergio Mindar,
you're under arrest.

That's Y-O-U, apostrophe, R-E.

I can't believe you caught me.

Well, believe it.
We're an amazing team.

We're the sleuth sisters.
Damn straight, we are.

Lame. Stay out of it, Sergio!