Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 19 - Bachelor/ette Party - full transcript

Here comes the bachelor.

A dressed in my nice jacket
I on wear for special events.

Oh, you're already on fire.
Thank you, my friend.

And, gentlemen,
welcome to my bachelor party.

This is the elite party squad.

That is, assuming the Captain
is ready to let loose?

Captain? I don't think so.

I want you guys to think of me
as one of the boys.

So tonight I'll be swapping
out my captain's hat for my...

Kangol hat. Call me Raymond.

Okay, Raymond in
the Kangol hat, I will



definitely call you Raymond,
Raymond in the Kangol hat.

This is the best night
of my life.

Mine too.
Sharon gave me permission

to get wasted.

She's even putting a pasta pot

next to the bed in case I hurl.
Smart.

I'm definitely putting a pasta
pot on our wedding registry.

Charles, tell us everything
we're doing tonight.

Well, that could
take a long time.

I've been planning this
bachelor party for 10 years.

But I met Amy eight years ago.

What does she
have to do with this?

JK. I'm happy for you both.

No, no, tonight is about



creating a bond
that will last forever.

Tonight is about The Batch Boys.

Eh, we can
brainstorm the name later.

No, we can't because I already
made fanny packs.

Ah, well, that settles that.

This, uh, clearly says
"Bach Boys."

No, it's "batch."

You know, like
the beginning of "bachelor."

I've been working on this
for 10 years. Don't ruin it!

Okay, so let's fanny up,
Batch Boys,

because it's time to party.

Whoop, whoop!

Yes.

Whoop, whoop,
Raymond in the Kangol.

Let's go.

Play one of the best new FPS shooters,
search Steam for PROJECT WARLOCK

I'm so excited for tonight.

Thank you to my best friend,
Kylie, for organizing this.

And thank you for coming, ladies

and gentlemen.

I still don't get
why you guys are here.

Well, as I understand it, Amy

lost some sort of bet with Jake.
It's true.

In hindsight,
we should probably stop

making major decisions
through bets and competitions.

More importantly, why are
you guys dressed like that?

You look like you're on Empire.

That's what we were going for.
Drip, drop.

We brought you a little gift.

I had to guess on cup size.

Just gonna burn that for you.
Thank you.

Amy, I too have a gift, okay?

Tonight, until
the stroke of midnight,

I will not make fun of you
in any way at all,

no matter what.

That is so sweet.

And my gift to you

is a cray-cray night
of funky fun!

I fear I've already made the
biggest mistake of my life.

So, Kylie.

What's the first event
of the night?

I thought we'd start
by discussing the etymology

of the word "bachelorette."

Whoo-whoo!

Or we could just play
Never Have I Ever.

Maybe later? I'll start.

Never have I ever

flashed a bartender
to get a free drink.

You guys know how
the game works, right?

You drink if you have done it.

Oh. We understand.

Okay, Batch Boys, the
festivities officially begin now.

Let's just grab a couple cabs
or...

Oh, my God.
What do we have here?

Damn!

Nice work on the limo, Charles.

What...

What just happened?

Well, that was weird.

A suspicious bag.

Maybe we should
see what's in it?

Ooh. A mystery bag.

I hope it's got
those light-up necklaces.

People love seeing large groups
of drunk men wearing those.

Nope. It's a bunch
of school supplies.

Is this gonna be one of
those scavenger hunts, Boyle?

'Cause that pasta pot
isn't filling itself.

Come on, Terry. Let's
just see what the plan is.

Charles, what are we doing?

I don't know anything about it.

But why don't we take
this map and this sextant

and chart a course
to the restaurant?

Title of your sex-tant tape.

Ah, did not work at all,

but I love that
you attempted it.

Title of your sex-tant tape.

All right, let's go!

Never have I ever

had sex in the back of a car.

No way. Everyone's done that?

Yeah. Except for you.

Kylie, you're telling me you
had sex in the back of a car?

Actually, it was a school bus,

on the way back from Model UN

with Myanmar.

It's like I don't even know you.

Look, we've done
like nine rounds of this,

and you haven't drunk once.

Maybe we should
play something else

that actually gets you drunk.

I love you, dude, but you
haven't had the craziest life.

That's not true.
I've done stuff.

Just say ones that
are a little less wild.

Uh, never have I ever
made a turn without signaling.

Okay, a turn is a big deal.

It's not like you said,
never have I ever

changed lanes without signaling.

Never have I ever changed
lanes without signaling.

You guys are insane!

Never have I ever

accepted the terms and
conditions without reading them.

It's too risky.

Left a movie
without watching the credits.

Those people worked hard.

Used more than the recommended
amount of conditioner.

They make the conditioner.
They know what they're doing.

This is lame.
Let's play something else.

No. No, no, no, okay.

Never have I ever

had a one-night stand
with a guy from a band.

Whoops! Yes, I have!

Whoa, I am V impressed, Amy.
V impressed.

In fact, Kylie,

it was the lead singer
of your wedding band.

Boom! That's right.

I'm a wild girl!

Watch out, Madonna.

Uh, Ames?

I told Jake that
you really liked that band

and he booked it for
your wedding as a surprise.

What?

Surprise!

So, according to this map,

the restaurant should be
right here.

But it's just an
old abandoned building.

That's odd. Unless...

You don't think
when the sun sets that

certain letters on that graffiti
wall will be illuminated

by a shaft of light?

I don't think that.

We've been at
this bachelor party

for over an hour,
wandering around aimlessly

and we haven't done
one bachelor party thing!

Well, Terry, if you'd like,
I could share a lewd story.

Kevin got me quite horny
this morning.

Oh, see?

Come on, guys. I'm hungry!

Oh, you're in luck.
The fanny pack

is filled with granola.

Mmm! Loose granola.

I don't want fanny granola!

I want steaks and whiskey!

Is this whole night
just gonna be puzzles?

Good question.
Perhaps that's something

the limo can answer!

Oh. Oh, yes, the limo's back!

We finally get to
ride in the limo.

Nope. The limo is not for us.
This is something else.

Oh, no, I'm being kidnapped!

We have your friend!
Your mission is to find him!

Is that a Serbian accent?

It is.
Write that down for later.

Oh! I'll see you in six hours.

Six hours?

Charles, let us
get in the limo, please!

Terry's so hungry!

No!

Okay, let's not get
discouraged just because...

We've been doing this
for 93 minutes

and we haven't figured out
one damn clue.

That's why I said
to not get discouraged.

All right, what about book two?
Maybe it's a code.

All we have to do is decipher

this list of thousands
of random numbers.

Huh, I wonder if
one of them is... 6-9?

Pretty sure he means 69,
but I'm so hungry

I can't even appreciate
horndog Raymond.

I say we bail
on the scavenger hunt.

There's a restaurant
one block away that

rolls meat to you on a cart.

Charles would be so upset
if we bailed.

But what if Charles never knew?

If we can figure out
where he's going to be

at the end of the night,
we don't have to do

- any of his dumb puzzles.
- Right.

Instead, we can spend
the next six hours

eating and drinking and

talking about
how we lost our V cards.

And then we show up
at the final location

and pretend we did
the stupid hunt.

Yeah, yeah... Interesting.

All right, I'm not saying
I'm on board with this

'cause it's a little bit
cruel, but hypothetically,

- if we were to cheat...
- Got it.

I hacked his email.

His password's
really easy to guess.

Dianne Wiest. And look here.

There's a receipt
for a party boat rental

and also a cake delivery

to a dock down in Bergen Beach.

That's got to be
where this night ends.

All right, fine.

We will stop and get
one tiny, little snack

just to recharge
our brains and bods,

but under no circumstances
will we

do any bachelor partying
without Charles.

Whoo! I'm getting married!

This is my bachelor party!

You guys, I can't have

some rando one-night stand
at my wedding.

I'm on the band's website.

Not to tease you, but

just so we all have
the complete information.

Which one is he?
Constantine Kane.

Yes.

I see.

Why don't you
just cancel the band?

If I cancel, I'll have to

tell Jake why,
and I don't want to do that.

Well, it says he's playing a
solo show in Bed-Stuy tonight.

We can just go down there
and ask him

to pull out of the wedding.
I don't know.

Tonight was supposed to be
about us bonding,

and instead, it's just
starting to be about some dude.

No, it's about your
bachelorettes having your back.

But I wanted tonight to be fun.

And it will be.

We're having
a drunken adventure!

Really?

Okay. Yeah. Let's do it.

Yay! Bachelorette adventure!

Kylie, you should talk less.

Sorry, I have to
direct it somewhere.

Nice to meet you, by the way.

Hey, guys,
if you're running out,

I'm just gonna take
Hitchcock to the hospital.

Is he okay?

He drank a lot during
Never Have I Ever.

We're gonna
get his stomach pumped,

try to get ahead of this thing.

That meat was good.

You know what we should order?

More meat.

Yeah, we should.

We're the Steak Studs!

The Steak Studs!

No, no, no... Wait!

Charles already gave us a name.

And that is the only one
we're gonna use.

Steak Studs! Steak Studs!

Steak Studs! Steak Studs!

Wait, wait. Steak Studs...

It's Charles. Oh, no. Oh, no.

What do we do? What do we do?

Everyone, calm down.

It'll be fine. I have an idea.

Why is everyone looking at me?

You just said you had an idea,
then you stopped talking.

Oh, my goodness.
I'm very intoxicated.

Oh, he's FaceTiming me,
you guys.

What do I do?

He can't know
we're at the restaurant.

I need a neutral background.

I'm a neutral background!

- I'm huge!
- Yes. Genius.

Let me put on my jacket. Okay.

Hey, best man.

Jake! Oh, I'm so scared.

The kidnappers
have me tied up and...

Where are you guys?

I don't want to say, in case
the kidnappers are listening.

Smart. But please hurry.

They're torturing me like
James Bond in Casino Royale.

It's all groin stuff!
Oh, my God.

Save me! Save...

That was close.

So...

Should we order another round?

And that's why / cry.

Every time / eat my pecan pie.

À la mode.

Yeah, Constantine! Thank you.

Namaste.

Look, in my defense,

he didn't used to
have that man bun.

It was just a ponytail.

I'm just gonna
write some of my thoughts down

just to let them out,
so I don't explode.

Okay, look, no matter how lame
that dude's man purse is,

Amy Santiago still
had a one-night stand.

- To Amy!
- Amy!

Yeah.

Actually, it technically
wasn't just one night.

Explain.

Well, he caught me trying to
sneak out the next morning,

and then he started crying,

so I hugged him, and

while we were hugging, um,

his mom FaceTimed, and he
introduced me as his girlfriend.

Okay, so then
right after the call,

you broke up with him, ended it.

Uh... How long were you with

crying wedding-band man bun?

Not that long.
I doubt he even remembers me.

Oh, my God. Amy Santiago.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the love of my life is here.

Three months.
We dated for three months.

All right. This is the boat.

Now, Charles has to think
we're totally sober

and we solved his puzzle.

So we good?
Yep, I'm drunk as hell!

That's not what I asked.
Don't worry about me.

I've seen you do enough of
these harebrained schemes

to know how to play along.

If Charles asks what's wrong,

I'll just
put on a quaint smile and say,

"Nothing."

Amazing.
That is actually perfect.

All right, now let's hold on
to each other for balance

like three
totally sober grown men.

Come here.

And here we go.

Oh, yeah, we're nailing this.

Hello? Charles?

Surprise!
Welcome to the party, pal!

Wow! This is amazing!

Yeah!
Now we get to the best part.

Steaks and shots!

Oh, more meat and alcohol.

"More?" What does that mean?

Uh...

Nothing?

Isn't this great? Uh-huh.

So there is one question
about the scavenger hunt

you have to answer.

Was he everything
you thought he'd be?

Yes.

He was everything
I thought he'd be.

Never before has a person so
perfectly met my expectations.

I know!

Isn't Reginald VelJohnson
the best?

Reginald VelJohnson?
From Die Hard?

Sergeant Powell was
a part of my bachelor party?

Is what I said upon meeting him.

I'm just still
emotional about it.

I can't believe
you pulled that off!

Yeah, I did.

I have one more
surprise for you.

If I could have your eyes, ears,

and emotional cores...

I'd like to take you all
on a journey.

Wow, you got a lot of
photos of my birth.

Your mom didn't have any pics,
so I had to call the hospital.

Ah. Jake Peralta.

My partner. My best friend.

My brother. My idol.

The one man who has never
let me down.

Oh, that's very kind.

Tonight had to be the biggest,

most special
bachelor party ever.

It had to be
extraordinary because you,

my friend, are no ordinary man.

In fact, you are 24 karat gold.

So if we get the big
jobs and we make...

24 karat gold!

Is that a phrase I say? No.

Like the coins from the hunt!

Yes, of course. From those.

Now, Terry, please present
your gold coin.

My gold coin? The hell?

From the last stop, the
one with Reginald VelJohnson.

Yes, right, I already told you
that I was there and I met him.

Stop bringing it up.
Terry, give the man his coin!

The hell are you
talking about, Jake?

The coin. Give him the coin.
What coin? I don't have a...

You give him a coin.
Give him his gold coin.

What's going on, guys?
All right, here's the deal.

Terry's coin fell out
of his pocket, and we lost it.

We just didn't have
the heart to tell you.

Oh, no. That cost $800.

All right, Terry will
pay me back later.

What?
Captain, your coin, please.

And as our lives change...

I ate mine. You ate your coin?

Yes, I thought it was chocolate.

But you hate chocolate.

It has "too much taste."

Oh, man.

You guys didn't do
the scavenger hunt, did you?

And you call yourselves
The Batch Boys?

Actually, we call ourselves
The Steak Studs.

Raymond!

Why?

I know why you're here,
Turtle Bug.

I feel like
the fact that you just

called me that means you don't.

Uh, quick question.
If I make fun of Constantine,

does that count
as making fun of you?

Yes. Okay.

Can I make fun of you?
I'd rather you didn't.

Well, I have to remove myself
from this situation.

Look, I want to talk to you
about a gig you have coming up.

Jake Peralta booked it. Yeah.

Your wedding. What?

If you knew that,
then why did you take it?

I wrote you a love song.

I'm gonna sing it,
and I'm gonna win you back.

Then we're gonna be
on The Today Show.

I love Hoda. Yeah, no.

No, we will not.

This is what's
gonna happen, okay?

You're gonna call Jake,

tell him something came up,

and you have to cancel the gig.

Not happening.
I'm gonna get on that stage.

And I'm gonna play
Amy Come Back.

Fine. I'm gonna tell
Jake everything.

I'm canceling your band. Boom.

Okay!
That'll just cost you $15,000.

Excuse me?

Well, when I heard
it was your wedding,

I knew your fiancé would cancel

when he found out about us,
so...

I put in a huge kill fee.

Yeah, he never even noticed.

He didn't read
the terms and conditions.

Look, Charles,
I'm sorry that we cheated,

but your puzzle was too hard.

Oh, don't give me that excuse.

I worked hard on this night!

And it all led up to this moment

where everyone gives you
$3,200 in gold coins!

Again, is the gold coin thing
based on something I said?

You're 24 karat gold!

Yeah, right, okay.
You guys are the worst.

You're right, and
we shouldn't have lied to you.

But all of this, the puzzle,

it's what you wanted, not me.

I just wanted
to hang out with my friends.

Well, don't let me stop you.

You can hang out with
your friends all you want,

because I'm leaving.

Charles!

Come on, slideshow.

Boyle isn't picking up,
and I called Genevieve.

She doesn't know where he is.
Wait.

I bet Charles is looking for the
coins he hid all over the city.

They were so expensive.

Also, why does he keep saying
I'm 24 karat gold?

No idea. Makes zero sense.

We'll have to
figure it out later.

In the meantime,
we gotta find those coins.

Yes, but how do we figure out
where they are?

All we have to do is solve

the entire six-hour
scavenger hunt immediately.

Raymond, toss me that sextant.

Guys, we can do this!

We cannot do this.

We're way too drunk.

But there has to be
someone that knows

where those coins are, right?
Charles.

Charles would know. Brilliant!

We just have to find Charles,
but where might he be?

He's probably digging up
the gold coins.

But who would know
where the gold coins are?

Charles!
Charles knows where they are.

But where is he... No,
wait, we're stuck in a loop.

We're super drunk
and we're in a loop.

We need to find someone
who isn't Charles

who knows where the coins are.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It's Reginald VelJohnson.
What's going on?

Who are you? I'm Jake Peralta.

You were part of
my bachelor party tonight.

Oh, you're the jerk
who didn't show.

He knows who I am.

Okay, so I need to
come up with 15 grand

or my father-daughter dance is
going to be performed by that.

Wrong. You're forgetting
the most obvious option.

Steal the contract
and destroy it.

Destroy a legal document?
I can't do that.

You were right,
I'm a boring square

who's never actually had a
crazy, stranger bone session.

Gina, your looks are
just as hurtful as your words.

I'm sorry.
I can only control so much.

I shouldn't have come back.
Okay. Look.

You don't have to steal it.
We will.

Right? Hell yeah.

You guys don't have to do this.

We told you.
We're your bridesmaids.

We have your back. Okay.

I think if we distract him,
I can sneak in

and take the contract
out of his man purse.

Won't he know what's going on?

He saw all of us with Amy.

Not all of us.

Sick set.

You were really
jamming up there.

Oh. I'm Lucious Lyon.

Record executive at...
Executive Records.

Lucious Lyon.
I've heard that name.

Anyway, we're always
looking for new talent.

"We" being me and my partner.

That's Cookie.
Let me introduce you.

Where is it? Where is it?

Why are there
so many scarves in here?

You looking for this?

I see him, Gina. Thank you.

Look, Sergeant Powell...

Oh, I'm sorry, is it okay
if I call you by

your character name
from Die Hard?

No. Okay.

Look, Reginald, do you know
why Charles hired you?

Because I love Die Hard
more than any other movie,

and I loved you in it.

For the record, I loved
you from F ami/y Matters.

Carl Winslow made me
want to become a cop.

Come on, Terry, you already have

like six other reasons
you became a cop.

This is not your moment.

And for the record,
that's the first time

I've ever heard him
even mention Fami/y Matters.

Look, it's late. Please leave.

Come on. Look...
My best friend is out there.

And you're the only one
who knows where he is.

So, as much as
I hate to do this,

you're gonna tell us
where those coins are hidden,

or you're gonna regret it.

What are you gonna do to me?

Stay here all night,

making this sound.

Fine, fine.

- I'll tell you where he is.
- Yes.

Thank you so much.

Also, we're gonna
need you to take us there,

'cause we're all
too drunk to drive.

You thought you could distract
me with a record deal?

Please, I'm already represented.

By my mom.

God, you're a turd.

Well, this turd

is your best friend's
future husband.

Doink! Hey, wait, no!

Give that back to me! I'm wild!

Keep going! Keep going!

He's gaining on you.
Not for long.

Free shots for everyone!

Turtle Bug!

Whoo!

Buh-bye, Connie!

Tell your mother
I said I never loved you,

and that your whole family
is a bunch of friggin'...

Whoo, I broke a rule!

Never have I ever
slept with a guy,

broken his heart, hired
him to play at my wedding,

stolen a legally binding
contract from him,

jumped on a bar
and dumped booze on everyone,

fallen off the bar, probably
given myself a concussion.

And a permanent scar.

I have ever!

Well, it is officially
after midnight,

so I can now
say whatever I want.

Uh-oh.

Tonight was awesome,

and I loved hanging out
with your dorks.

What? Aw, yeah.

You know, the word "dork"

is actually a Celtic word
meaning "lungfish."

Kylie, I'm trying so hard.

This is where he
told me to wait for you.

Oh, my God.
This is the corner where

John McClane met Zeus Carver
in Die Hard 3.

Oh, Charles. Yes, you're here.

What's going on?
How did you find me?

Did you solve the puzzle?

No, they didn't.

They cheated again.

Reginald.

Hey, man, look. I just
wanted to say I'm sorry.

No, I'm the one
who should apologize.

I overdid it tonight.

I wanted everything
to be perfect, because

it's our last big night
before you get married.

I guess I was a little worried

things were gonna
change between us.

Oh, Charles. Come on.

Of course,
things are gonna change.

I'm getting married.

I mean, didn't you make me
less of a priority

when you and Genevieve
got together?

Yes. See?

I mean, no matter what,
we'll always be best friends.

Hey, you know why I didn't
like your scavenger hunt?

'Cause it was stupid
and overcomplicated.

And way too long.

There was no food. Or drinks.

This is not
a group conversation, guys.

Well, you could have stood

a little farther
away from us then.

Point taken.

I didn't like it because

you got kidnapped
right at the beginning.

You were gone for six hours.

I wanted to spend
my bachelor party with you.

I can't believe you pissed off

Reginald VelJohnson
just to find me.

Oh, please. He'll get over it.

No, I won't.
You've made an enemy for life.

And I'm telling Bruce Willis
you suck.

That's fine. I'm fine with that.

It's good.
What's important is that

we made up, my best friend.

Not Bruce Willis.

To Jake and Amy!

To Jake and Amy!

To us!

Hey, so I need to
tell you something.

I had to cancel
the wedding band,

because I kind of dated
one of the dudes in it.

Yeah, I know. Man bun.

He left me a very long message

with a lot of details. Oh, no.

He seems like
a really passionate guy.

I'm never gonna live this down.

No, you are not.

I'm just kidding.
I'll never bring it up again.

Thank you. You're the sweetest.

I love you.
I love you too, Turtle Bug.

Oh, my... Yeah.

Uh, do I still need to be here?

Yes, Reginald.

We're all toasted
and we need rides home!

It's Reginald Vel Johnson!