Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 17 - Cop-Con - full transcript

- Oh hello.

Guys, guys, guys, check it out.

Hitchcock fell asleep
in the break room,

so I put his hand
in a bowl of warm water.

- Come on, man.
- That's the stupidest prank ever.

- Uh, no, it's the smartest
because it involves biology.

I bet it worked already.
Let's go check.

- Hitchcock, no!
- He's drowning, he's drowning!

- Save him, man!

- I take it back, Jake.
- Great prank.

- Is everyone packed
for the 28th annual



Tri-State Police Officers
Convention?

I hear Bill Powell's giving
a lecture on advances

in appellate court
e-filing techniques.

Phew, talk about "can't miss."

- Yeah, we don't really go
for the talks.

We're more interested
in the extracurriculars.

Fart-five.

- Of course, Rochester has much
to offer in that sphere.

For instance,
it's famed thermometer museum.

- Thermometer museum?
- Uh, no thanky.

Here's what a-we are all about.

One, free hotel rooms.

- I get to sleep
in a bed by myself.

No wife, no kids,



just Terry starfishing
on a Cal King.

- Two, a huge hall
full of cool police tech.

- Last year,
I got to try out a heat ray.

- Three, the Buffalo P.D.
- always throws an insane party.

Last year, Amy got so drunk,

she jumped a police horse
into the pool.

- Eight-drink Amy is
an equestrian,

and she's real bad at it.

- This isn't an excuse
for you to party.

This is a police convention,
not the Newport Folk Festival.

- Come on, sir.
- It's been a hard year.

I mean, frankly,
we could all use a party

to blow off some steam.

First we were
on the night shift,

then the precinct
almost got shut down.

- I got hit by a bus.

- Well,
we have been through a lot,

but, frankly,
our reputation has taken a hit.

That's why
I'm running for a seat

on the convention's
board of directors.

If I win, it will look good
for the precinct.

So please don't do anything
to jeopardize that.

Understood?

Dismissed.

- That's a big ole bummer.

- All right, everybody,
just relax.

We're still gonna have
a great time.

If there's one thing I know,
it's how to sneak out to a party

without your parents
finding out.

I used to do it all the time.

Well, I did it a few times.

Once, to go to a
Magic: the Gathering tournament.

I got stuck in the window
like Winnie-the-Pooh.

There, okay?
Now you know everything.

My mom had to pull me back in
by my ponytail.

All right, let's party!

- What is taking so long
with those keys?

I gotta hit that pillow top.
It's starfish o'clock.

- Guys, guys, they're here.
- Hey, hey, what's up B.P.D.,

aka Buffalo Party Department.

That is gold.

You guys coming tonight, right?

- Obviously, it's the only
reason any of us are cops.

- All right, detectives,
here are your room assignments.

Uh... wait a minute.
What's going on here?

- You guys planning a party?
- What?

No, we're just debating

our favorite parts
of the conference.

He likes his Q&A's moderated.

I like mine unmoderated.

- Why is that?
- I just...

I'm just...

sick of the moderator bias.

- I couldn't agree more.
- Your story checks out.

See you at the party.

Let's check out some tech.

Ooh, look.

This is a long-range
heart beat detector.

You can hear a human pulse
through walls.

- Oh, I am so sorry.
- Oh, whoa.

- Excuse me.

- Oh, my God,
it's like a She-Scully.

- I'm, hi.
- Uh, Norm.

- Uh, who are you?
- Shatz.

Uh, Cindy Shatz.

- Scully, shake her hand.
- Oh, uh, here I go.

- Meet to please you, Shatz.
- Your hands are so clammy.

- I ate a bunch of clams earlier
and they still smell.

- No, that's not what she meant.
- No, it was.

Anyway, it was so nice
to meet you.

- Why?

- Okay, uh, I'll see you around.

- Guys, I was just talking
to that amazing woman

and I blacked out.
Did I get her number?

- No, you chunked it.
- Ugh, of course I did.

I'm not Hitchcock
when it comes to the ladies.

- You don't wanna be.
- Oh, he's fearless.

I once saw him ask out
a breastfeeding mother.

- Ooh, look.

It's a robot that can patrol
an empty building all by itself.

Oh, no, this is how it starts.

It's Skynet all over again.
Here, let's wait here a second

and see if our future selves
show up

and tell us to destroy it.

Nope.
Looks like we're in the clear.

- It's kind of cute.
- Hey, check it out.

It's called The Wasp.

It's for dispersing crowds
of young people.

It emits a sound that you can
only hear if you're 35 or under.

Ah, I also hate the sound

- that I definitely hear.
- Me too.

It's so high-pitched
or low-pitched.

Oh, that was bogus
to the extreme.

- So bogus and not tubular.

My ears are ringing
from the pain of being young.

- Ugh, so not gnarly.

- Captain, you missed
the tech expo.

We got all this swag.

Six tote bags.
Terry can tote anything.

Look, point at something,
I'll tote it.

- Oh, no.

Hold still.

I'm gonna hide behind you
like you're a tree.

- Uh, why are you doing that?

- On the other side
of your trunk,

is the worst person
I've ever met.

Captain Jeffrey Bouché,
the living embodiment of evil.

- Raymond Holt?
- As I live and breathe.

You have not aged a day.

So how's Kevin?
How's Cheddar?

Come on.
Tell me everything.

- Kevin is fine.
- Cheddar is a dog.

He has no concept
of good or bad.

- I wouldn't be
so sure about that.

He's a very clever dog.

Hey, I wanted to tell you
that I am also running

- for the board of directors.
- You are what?

- Yeah, I had no idea
that you were running,

but, listen, it doesn't matter
'cause you're gonna win anyway.

I mean, you're Ray Holt.

But look, I gotta go.
I will see you soon.

I hope not.

- You're being a little harsh
on him, Captain.

- I've been up for promotions
against that man

on six occasions,

and he's prevailed
every single time.

Why?
Because he's a snake.

- Isn't it possible
he gets promotions

because he's nice
and people like him?

- Please, I hate
to say this about anyone,

let alone a fellow officer,

but that man is
full of balone-nya.

- "Baloney."
- You're right.

He's so vile, we should use

the crude Americanization
of the word.

He's full of baloney.

- Holt went to bed early

'cause his big speech is
in the morning.

- Well, how do you know
he's in for the night?

- Because his breakfast order
is hanging on the doorknob.

Water, comma, hot.

Muffin, comma, English.

And that means it's time
for us to hard, comma, party.

- Hey, what happened?
- Sorry, bro, they busted us.

- 'Cause the party got
too crazy?

- Yeah, totally.
- They've been taking bribes.

- No, it was because
of the party.

That's what you should
tell everyone.

- Oh, no.

The party's not happening.

That means we're just

in a hotel in Rochester.
This is a nightmare.

- I learned a bunch
of new dance moves for tonight.

- Ones where you move your butt.
- Ugh, screw this.

I'm gonna get a ride back
to Brooklyn with some drifter.

- No, we came here
to blow off steam

and we're not gonna give up yet
'cause we're the Nine-Nine.

We're gonna take matters into
our own hands Nine-Nine style.

That's right, my friends.

The Nine-Nine
is throwing a big...

- Can I borrow $200 for alcohol?
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay, I talked to some
of the vendors at the tech expo,

and they agreed to hook us up
for the party.

Check it out.
Disco lights,

sound system, and...

beer cooler.

Leak-free, insolated body bag.

Our beer is dying to get inside.

- I don't know, man.

Holt didn't want us
going to a party,

he certainly doesn't
want us throwing one.

- Oh, poor, simple Terry.

For such a bemuscled specimen,

you certainly do
frighten easily.

I promise you,
Holt won't find out.

His room is all the way
across the hotel from ours.

He insisted so he'd have
a view of the Rochester skyline.

- Ah, drink it in, Peralta.

The Mustard City.

- Besides,
if he does leave his room,

my new partner will warn me.

- New partner?
- K-13.

- Hello.
- It's a robot!

I can program it
to wait outside Holt's door,

and if there's any movement,
it'll send us an alert.

- All right, I'm in,

but only because your robot
is so cool.

- I don't know.
- It's not that cool.

I mean, all he's doing
is standing guard.

- I mean, I could do that.
- Awesome, if you do that,

then K-13 can come to the party.

I am programmed
to boogie my butt.

- No, I'm going to the party.

People prefer me over a robot.

Right?

- Hey, going pretty good, right?
- Hell, yes.

It's like a Bonnie Raitt concert
in here.

- No.
- Hey.

We're about to do
the Taser challenge,

- you guys want in?
- What's the Taser challenge?

- We tase each other,
then drink.

- How do you win?
- What are you, a lawyer?

- You want in or not?
- Yeah, Terry.

What're you, a lawyer?
It's Tasers.

Get tased at a party, man.
Come on.

- She's here.
- She's here.

Cindy Shatz is here.
What do I do?

My face is so wet
and my mouth is so dry.

- Okay, calm down.

Remember, be direct.

Women don't like
to play a lot of games.

- I think we gotta
start simpler.

Okay, Scully, smile at her,
don't fart.

- He knows not to...
- Oh, you're writing that down.

- This is good stuff.
- What else you got?

- Don't talk about
your foot fungus.

Don't talk about
your eye fungus.

Let's just say "fungus"
is off the table.

- Oh, no, see you just wrote
the word "fungus" down

and I feel like we're barreling
towards a misunderstanding.

- Draw a circle around it
and then put a line through it.

- There you go.
- Believe in yourself.

Be confident.
You're a sweet guy

- with a big heart.
- It's the size of a giraffe's.

- Pushes on my other organs.
- Okay, you got this.

Don't talk about
the giraffe heart.

All right, get outta here!

- Hi, Cindy.
- Hey.

- So guess what my eye and foot
have in common?

- What?

- Uh...

I can't say.

Well, bye.

Chug!

- Jake, this party is insane.
- Forget Bonnie Raitt,

it's like the video
to "Love Shack" in here.

- This is the greatest.

Oh, God.
It's my new partner.

- You guys are texting
each other now?

- It sends alerts.

Holt left his room.
He's on his way here.

- Well, we gotta get everyone
out of the hallway.

All right, be quiet!
Everybody, be quiet!

- They're not listening to you.
- Where's Amy?

She's great at shushing.

- Wait, all of these dum-dums
are under 35.

- Let's use The Wasp.
- No.

It'll hurt my young,
little ears so much.

- Ah, come on.

- Attention,
our boss is headed this way.

Everyone has
to clear the hallway right now.

- Shh!

Wow, she is great at shushing.

- I know,
she's like a librarian.

- You mean,
like a sexy librarian?

- No, a regular one.

- Everyone,
you will go in the rooms

and you will go right now.

Don't make me count to three.

- Shh, shh, shh.

- Hey, Captain, what's up?

- Uh, which room is
Sergeant Jeffords?

- Oh, Terry's in here
with me and Amy.

You know, we're just having
a low-key night

watching
"House Hunters International."

This orthodontist really wants
to live in Panama

with his strangely old wife
and won't say why.

- Can I talk to him?
- Uh, let me check.

- Shh, shh.

- Yeah, no, he's asleep.
- Can I help you with something?

- I'm concerned
that my presentation isn't,

uh, "jazzy" enough
to compete with Jeffrey's.

- He's such a showman.
- Yeah.

- I'm thinking about
augmenting the graphs

with, um...

- color.
- Sir.

- I know.
- I'm debasing myself.

Anyway, give this to Jeffords.
He's the artist.

I'd like him to choose the, um...

- Color?
- Yes.

- All right.
- Oh, time to turn in.

Nighty, night.

Okay, he's gone.

Now just gotta wait for K-13
to give us the all clear.

- Yeah, I wouldn't
hold your breath.

Dumb robot probably rolled
into the stairwell.

That's why you shouldn't be
best friends with this tin can.

- K-13 says we are G-2-G.
- Amy?

- The shush is lifted.
- Party time!

- Beer me!

- Yeah!

Mm, hey, Captain.

- Are you just waking up?
It's 11:00 a.m.

No, no, I'm just tired

'cause, um, I worked out
so much this morning.

- Ah.
- You know, squat 400

on the bench push fitness
and whatnot.

- What's up?
- I need my laptop.

I wanna practice my speech
with the new colors beforehand

so I'm not alarmed
when they pop up.

- Right, right.
- Um, I know that Terry

definitely did do that work,

- so I'll just go grab 'em.
- Okay.

- Uh, you wait here.
- You can't come in because...

Amy's naked

and she's embarrassed
of her weird body.

Terry.
Terry.

Terry. Terry.

Why's my tongue so big?

- Because you're a big person.

Holt is here.
He wants his presentation.

- The presentation!
- I didn't do it.

Okay, I just need to add color.

It'll only take two minutes.

- Stall him.
- Okay, no problem.

I'm definitely got two minutes
worth of stall material.

Okay, Sarge will be right out.

In the mean time,
why don't you and I just chat,

you know,
for a couple minutes about...

brumpst.

- Brumpst?

- Hold on.

I couldn't stall him,
he's too good,

it's not my fault.

Where are you
on the presentation?

- Jake, Holt's laptop
isn't here.

It's gone.

- Where are you on my graphs?
- The presentation is

- in 90 minutes.
- I'm definitely all done,

but I'm worried, if you're going
up against Jeffrey,

will color be enough?

I was thinking,
slide transitions.

- Oh, good grief.

Very well.
You may add cross dissolves.

But so help me God, Jeffords,
if I see even one star wipe...

- I just need a half an hour.
- Perhaps I should supervise.

- No, you should
clear your head.

Work out.
Rosa was just headed to the gym.

She'll keep you there.
Be right back.

Rosa, I need you
to workout with Holt

for the next half hour.
Cool?

Great.

I'll get your sneakers.

- This is invigorating,
isn't it?

- I can't believe you lost
the captain's laptop.

You were kind of
out of control last night.

- I was not.

Although, pretty sure
my ribs are broken,

and I think I'm wearing
a pillowcase I cut holes in

- as a shirt.
- We have to think.

Does anyone remember having
the laptop?

- Wait, we all left the room
and went somewhere

and I didn't want
to leave the computer behind

with so many strangers,
so I took it!

- Yes, Charles, you're a genius.

All right, we gotta split up
and search the hotel.

Wait a minute.
Why is my shoe all wet?

The pool!

- Damn it.
- No sign of the laptop.

What were we doing here?

- Look, there's Jake's shirt.
- It looks burnt.

- Because I was on fire.
- Hence the pillow shirt.

It's all coming back to me.

I'm a human torch!

Nope, it was just
that one memory.

This was a dead end.

- I remember
why you were on fire.

The State Troopers
brought fireworks.

- Yes.
- We're unraveling the mystery.

- It's like we're detectives.
- We are detectives.

- Right.
- Another thing we remembered.

This is going great.

- Oh, Raymond.

Of course you have beaten me
to the gym.

You live life right.
It's amazing.

- Workout your legs, Jeffrey.
- Not your mouth.

You are hilarious.

I am so psyched for your
presentation to the board.

- I'm sure it's gonna be amazing.
- I'm gonna crush you

like a can
of diet seltzer water.

- I don't doubt it.
- Well, I'm off to do some squats.

- Dumbass.

- Okay, so this is definitely
where we set off the fireworks,

but still no laptop.

- How did I catch on fire?

- Oh, no,
I just remembered something.

Terry feels bad.

What the hell was that?

Ah!

- Ah!

- Hence the chest pain,

but what was that loud crash?

- I think that
might have been me.

See you in hell, partner.

- You killed her?

- Her?
- Oh, my God, it was a her.

You were replacing Amy, not me.

- What have I done?
- Wait, the robot has a camera.

Maybe she saw
who took the laptop.

- There's the laptop bag.
- You think you're

so much better than me.

- You're right.
- I'm just gonna fast forward.

- Oh, hey, robot.

I got something really cool
to show you on the balcony.

I think you're
really gonna like it.

Oh, you're heavy.

- Fast forward.
- Did you guys see that?

He put the bag down
behind the plant.

- Let's go.

Is it there?
Is it there?

- It's here!
- We did it!

We found the bag!

Oh, wait, hungover.
No spinning.

- No spinning.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I'm good.

Oh, hey, hey!

- Oh, Scully.

You bummed about Cindy

or you just feel at home
in a body bag?

- We use the same
medicated powder.

I could smell it.

- She's my soul mate, Amy.
- So she doesn't like you.

It happens.
I mean, not to me,

but not everyone has
my combination

of elegance and charm
and grace and poise,

and then just gif-ability.
Some would say "jif,"

but then some would
also say "syrup."

- Wait, what if we could
give Scully our personalities?

He would love that.

- We could talk to him
through an earpiece

- and tell him what to say.
- Okay,

but can we attach
a string to it?

Last time I wore an earpiece,
it fell in.

- How you doing, Scully?
- Nervous.

I can feel my legs.
That never happens.

- Something's wrong.
- Okay, just go up to her

and repeat what we say.

- I wasn't gonna...
- Hi, there.

- Scully, hey.

Cindy, there's something
I want to say to you.

- The moment I first saw you...

- You took my breath away.

Whenever I'm around you...

- My heart beats faster.

I know you're
going home today...

But I couldn't let you
leave without asking you out.

- Cindy Shatz...
- Cindy Shatz...

- Can I buy you a drink?
- Can I buy you a drink?

- No, I'm sorry.

I'm not interested.

- What?
- No.

- Guys, earpiece fell in.

- What on earth
took you so long?

- Yeah, where the frigging hell
were you?

- I was trying
to get the colors right,

but in the end,

I decided to just go with
your original black and white.

- It's probably even
one color too many.

Anyways, in you go.

Looking good, Diaz.

- Bite me.
- Okay.

- Uh, hello,
I'm Captain Raymond Holt,

and if I have the pleasure
of joining your board,

here are some of the things
that I would do.

- See?
- It all worked out.

We threw a wild party with
absolutely zero consequences.

Jake, something's wrong.

- Oh, um...

oh, I don't know how that
got in there or what it is.

Um, I'll just, uh... next slide.

Well, that's strange.
Next slide.

Next.
Next.

Oh, I see what's happening here.

Uh, due to an issue
with the Internet cloud,

you are seeing
a series of pictures

that have nothing to do with me

or the 99th precinct.

- I don't get it.
- Who even took these pictures?

- I did.

You guys should really be
a lot more careful

about leaving laptops
lying around.

For next year.

- Consequences.

- My, oh, my.
- Boyle, can you even tell me

what is happening
in this picture?

- Uh, that's me doing
a Jean-Claude Van Damme split

between two beds.

I had to wear my underwear
for flexibility.

- Mm-hmm, and, uh, Santiago?

- I believe that
is me throwing up

- into a pillow case.
- Uh-oh.

- You have all embarrassed
the precinct.

Now when people think
of the Nine-Nine,

they'll think of, um...

oh, Detective Diaz filling
an iron with tequila.

- So I could make tequila steam.

- I can quite believe
I'm gonna say this,

but I'm sorry I even came
to Rochester.

- Hey, it's all right, Scully.

We'll find a way
to make it up to him.

- Ah, it's not about him, Jake.

I'm just sad because
I'm an unlovable sack of fungus,

and I'm gonna be alone forever.

- Oh, um...

hey, there's
probably someone out there for...

- We got this.
- Oh, thank God.

- Wow, pint of milk
on the rocks.

- Real Scully move.
- Can I help you?

- Hi, we're friends of Scully's,

and we're not sure
why you rejected him?

- Now, we know
Scully's not perfect,

his hands smell like clams,
and, yeah,

over 75% of his body has died,
and...

- Gina, you can stop
listing things.

- Point is, he's a good guy.

You should give him a chance.

- I know, when I first meet him,
I was intrigued,

but then Mr. Confident
showed up,

I'm not interested in that.

Confident people
are mean and selfish.

- Wait, you liked
awkward Scully?

Giraffe-heart Scully?

- Oh, my God,
he has a giraffe heart?

Aww, I bet it pushes
on his organs.

We'll be back in five minutes.
Wait right here.

Bartender,
can you top off her milk?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You wanna hear a joke?
- Okay.

- I don't know any jokes.
- I should go.

- Oh, that's okay.
- I don't know any jokes either.

- I slept in a body bag
last night.

- Whoa.
- They're so cute.

Oh, no, Scully, don't put
your finger in her mouth.

Oh, she likes it.

- Captain, I'm sorry
that things got out of hand,

but you can still be
on the board.

I read 85 pages
of the convention bylaws,

- and...
- That was unnecessary.

- I don't wanna be on the board.
- But I read bylaws.

- I wanna show you
a picture from last night

- that really upset me.
- Okay,

but in my defense,
Rosa bet me 50 cents

that I couldn't drink
all that shampoo.

- That's not what I wanted to...
- You drank shampoo?

- What?
- No.

You're the one farting bubbles.

- This is what I wanted
to show you.

Do you know
what disappoints me most

about this about this picture?
That I'm not in it.

I can't remember the last time

I saw the Nine-Nine so happy,

- and I wasn't there.
- 'Cause you were working

on your presentation
to get us a win.

- Yeah, well,
it wasn't a real win.

- I wish I had been in that photo.
- I know,

and I'm sorry you didn't
have more fun this weekend.

But it's not over,

and we are still in Rochester.

- What are you saying?

- I think you know
what I'm saying.

- What a thermometer.

Look at the mercury reservoir
on that mamacita.

Oh, Peralta, this is amazing.
I'm floating on air.

- Hey, everybody,
get in for a picture.

Excuse me, sir.
Can you take a picture of us?

- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.

- Everybody say
Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit.

Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit.

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.