Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 16 - Moo Moo - full transcript

- Good morning, everyone.
- Oh. My. Goodness.

Sarge.

What. Are. The. Chances?

- I say zero?
- Ugh!

I mean, when Genevieve
got me these suspenders,

I thought I'd lean into it
and go for the whole look,

but I didn't want to step on your toes.

That being said, you
know what this means.

- Don't do this, Charles.
- Oh, it's already done.

Gather round, y'all.

It's time to play



"Who Wore It Best?"

I'd really rather not.

Because you're a wittle chicken?

Who wore it best? Who wore it best?

Who wore it beeest?

- all: Terry.
- What?

- Come on!
- You should change, Boyle.

- Fine.
- Not here!

Hey, Peralta. How's it going, man?

Pretty good.

Thanks for asking.

Cool, cool, cool.

- So how's it going?
- I'm still pretty good.

- Nothing has changed.
- I hadn't heard about that.



All right, you're clearly
not listening to me.

- I can say whatever I want.
- Tell me about it.

I murdered Charles this weekend.

I feel you.

Now that I have the taste for blood,

- I can't stop murdering.
- Been there.

Okay, Sarge. Sarge?

Jake. When'd you get here?

- Wow.
- I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to see if Captain Holt

is done with his meeting yet.

So, how's it going?

Okay. We've been over this.
I'm pretty good.

Why are you acting so weird?

I'm nervous. I'm gonna
talk to Captain Holt

about getting me more responsibility.

Well, got to go.

"Die Hard." Explosions. Whatever.

Wait, no!

Just when the conversation
was getting interesting!

Hello, Captain Raymond Holt,

it is I, Sergeant Terrance Jeffords,

your friend, but more
importantly, your employee.

I've never heard you
speak like this, Sergeant.

I like it.

Each sentence so rife with information.

- Go on, please.
- Thank you.

I can do more, sir.

I'd like to take on
additional responsibilities.

Good. I like seeing
you take initiative.

Let's see what there is.

One Police Plaza is looking
for a City Council liaison.

That's a rewarding but
challenging opportunity,

but I think you'll do a great job.

That sounds perfect.
Thank you, Captain.

My pleasure. The
application is due tomorrow.

- Okay.
- It's 96 pages.

- Okay. Okay.
- Not including

a 4,000-word personal essay.

- Okay. Okay. Okay.
- Will that be a problem?

No!

Not a problem for Terry.

Terry does not have a problem at all.

Terry's got a big problem!

Ooh! Math or real life?

Why would I have a big math problem?

- I've seen it happen.
- I'm supposed to pick up

Cagney and Lacey from
day care in 30 minutes,

but I have to stay late
to work on an application

I just got from Holt.

They're six. They can take the subway.

Rosa, that's crazy. They're babies.

Terry, just call them an Uber.

Or just have your sitter pick 'em up.

Scully actually has the
most reasonable idea.

These truly are strange days.

Sharon can't pick 'em up

'cause she's out of town with Ava,

and the sitter doesn't get
to my house till 6:30.

- Jake and I can pick them up.
- Absolutely.

Couple of issues... I
don't have any car seats,

and my rear window is
technically a "shower curtain."

- Really? Why?
- Mm.

You know what? Doesn't matter.

- Just take my minivan.
- You got it.

Thanks, guys. I appreciate it.

Mm, mm-mm-mm-mm!

Mm-mm!

Why are you doing that with your face?

I'm smiling at Mommy and Daddy.

- Ugh.
- Gross.

Picking up Cagney and Lacey.

One taste of practice parenting,

and you two will be so hot to have sex.

The kind that make babies.

- Walk away, Charles.
- Okay.

But I'll be back in nine months.

How ridiculous is Charles? Pssh.

So ridiculous. Pssh.

- Pssh.
- Pssh.

Pssh. Hey, girls!

Who's the coolest person

you've ever met in your entire lives?

both: You are!

And who's the most handsome
dude in all the land,

even objectively more than Idris Elba?

both: You are!

Man, kids are awesome.

You can tell them literally anything,

and they'll just say it.

I know, right? Check it out.

Who was the first female congresswoman?

both: Jeannette Rankin!

Oh. That's fun. They
won't get teased for that.

both: Up. Down. Up. Down. Up.
Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.

Oh, uh, maybe don't
play with the windows?

Jake, tell them to stop.

But playing with the windows is fun.

- Jake.
- And...

it could spark a lifelong interest

in mechanical engineering.

But sure. If you want, I'll
tell these young girls

that you don't think science
is a good fit for them.

Play with those windows, ladies.

both: Yay!

That was actually really
cool with Cagney and Lacey.

I think we rocked it.

Right? I don't see
what the big deal is

about being a parent...
that was so easy.

Yeah, anyone who's ever complained

about parenting has no
idea what they're doing.

Mm.

Hey, it's the sarge.

Probably calling for
some child-rearing tips.

Parent of the year speaking.

Terry, baby, talk to me.

Where the hell is Moo Moo?

Oh, no. I think Terry has
a child named Moo Moo,

and we forgot to pick her up.

It's not a baby, Jake.

It's Cagney's blankie.

She calls it that because
it has a little cow head.

She said she had it in the minivan.

Where is it now?

Uhhh...

all: Up. Down. Up. Down.
Up. Down. Up. Down.

Never let 'em play with the windows.

That's Parenting 101.

And Santiago, I can't
believe you didn't stop it.

I'm sorry, sir.

I knew it was wrong, and I did nothing,

which is ultimately worse.

Cagney can't sleep without Moo Moo,

and if Cagney doesn't sleep,
then Lacey doesn't sleep,

and if Cagney and Lacey don't sleep...

Terry doesn't sleep.

No. Jake doesn't live.

- Oh, my God.
- Where did you start

letting them play with the windows?

Uh, on Eighth. It was
close to the house.

It better be.

The sitter leaves in ten minutes,

and this is the last thing I need!

Okay. So sorry about this, Sarge.

Oh, and one more thing.

I love you.

I love you too, Jake.

Moo Moo? Moo Moo!

What's going on, buddy?

- Oh, hey.
- Whoa, whoa, don't move.

- Oh, I was just...
- Step back.

Keep your hands where I can see 'em.

Drop that.

Hey, Sarge.

We felt really bad about Moo Moo,

so we got you a new one.

- She's called New Moo.
- I don't want it.

Oh, the liaison
application got you down?

- I finished that.
- I know. There's nothing sadder

than finishing a nice,
long juicy application.

It's like, why can't
there be another essay

or even a short answer?

No one is relating to you right now.
What's wrong?

I got stopped by a cop last night.

- Stopped for what?
- Stopped for walking.

That makes zero sense unless...

Oh, crap. I see what happened.

- Yeah.
- Sarge, that's terrible.

That's so messed up.

Oh, jeez. I have no
idea what's going on.

He got stopped for being black.

- Get woke, Scully.
- What happened?

It was right after I found Moo Moo.

What're you doing
in this neighborhood,

- buddy?
- I live here. Listen...

Whoa. You need to lower your voice.

Lower my voice?

You know what? Put
your hands on your head.

Turn around. Don't make
any sudden movements.

I didn't do anything. Also, I'm a...

Keep talking. See
what happens next, huh?

Big guy.

Well, did you tell him you're a cop?

I tried to,

but things escalated so quickly,

and I didn't have my badge on me.

I eventually told him,

and he finally looked
me up in the system

and let me go.

I can't believe this...
I mean, nothing like that

has ever happened to me, and I've done

some pretty suspicious
things in the street.

Hey, hey, hey, there.
What are you doing?

I'm just playing a prank on my buddy.

Sounds fun. Carry on.

It was a very good prank.

I totally thought I was gonna die.

I mean, I've had run-ins
with officers before,

but this one really stings.

It was right outside my home.

So what are you gonna do?
Slash his tires?

You shouldn't do that, but
just out of curiosity,

what kind of car does he drive,
and where does he park it?

You could file an official complaint.

I mean, Captain Holt would wield that

like a hammer and crush the guy.

I don't want to start a
whole hullaballoo, all right?

I mean, I think I just need
to sit down with the guy

and have a direct conversation,

just to make sure he
doesn't ever do anything

like this again.

- That makes sense.
- You think you two

can handle watching the kids

while I meet with Officer Maldack?

Oh, they can handle it.

- Calm down, Charles.
- Ugh.

But yes, Terry, we can watch the kids.

Trust me. There's nothing
those little munchkins

can throw at us that we can't handle.

Why was Daddy in trouble
with the policeman?

Uh... that's complicated.

Is it because he's black?

both: Uh...

What do we do? We can't call Terry.

We told him we could handle anything.

I've got it. We just leave.

We go home. Never speak of this.

No! We can't leave the
children that are in our care.

- Right.
- Let me call Charles.

He's a parent.

He'll know what to do.

- Smart.
- Mm.

A parental crisis.

This is the good stuff right here.

You are knee-deep in the thick,
rich broth of parenthood.

Well, that was a nightmare.

Who else can we call?

I'm already ahead of you.
Calling Rosa.

- Make 'em go to bed.
- It's 6:30 p.m.

They're not tired.

Make. Them.

Okay. Hang up. I'll call Gina.

Ugh. Come on, Jake.

Just explain the deep-rooted
institutionalized racism

that remains pervasive in this country

to this day.

Gina, they're children.

So put it in a song, Jake.

Watch this.

♪ Racism, racism ♪

- I'm hanging up.
- ♪ Racism ♪

- Gina, I'm hanging up.
- ♪ Racism, baby ♪

That's a great song. I'm hanging up.

Okay. So Gina was a bust as well.

Looks like we're out of options.

Unless.

- No.
- It's all we have.

Hey, Jakey.

Yeah, I'd love to chat, but I can't.

Hitchcock and I are
eating cake for dinner

and watching a movie.

Ask Amy if she wants to come over.

I'm hanging up.

Why're you smiling?

- That was useless.
- Are you kidding me?

Hitchcock and Scully
just handed us a gem.

Who wants cake?

both: Me!

And who wants to
watch "101 Dalmatians"

and not ask any hard-to-answer questions

about your father and race?

- both: Me! Me! Me!
- Nice.

Officer Maldack. Thanks for coming.

Hey.

I'm really glad you set this up.

I'm so sorry for what happened.

Oh. Wow.

I am really happy to hear that.

I was thinking this conversation
was gonna go a lot differently.

No, no. It was an honest mistake.

I mean, if I had known you were a cop,

I never would've treated you that way.

So you're sorry for not
knowing I was a cop sooner?

- Yeah.
- And that's it?

- Yeah.
- But you shouldn't have

treated me that way whether
I was a cop or not.

What do you mean?

I was just walking down the street.

There's nothing suspicious
or illegal about that.

Okay, but you and I both know

that you don't exactly look like
you belong in that neighborhood.

- I live there.
- Look.

Nine out of ten times I get
called to that neighborhood,

it's about a guy that looks like you.

Were you responding to a call?

No, but you're missing the point.

No, you're missing the point.

I just want you to admit

you only stopped me because I'm black

and to apologize and say
you won't do it again!

Hey, look.

We wouldn't even be
having this conversation

if you had your badge on you.

Next time, don't forget it.

Oh, so this is all my fault?

I'm not apologizing for doing my job.

That's not the job, man.

Whoa. I can't believe
it went down like that.

Should we maybe revisit
some of our earlier ideas

vis-à-vis tires and slashing?

I should've known there was
no talking to a guy like that.

I don't see any other option.

I'm submitting an official
complaint with Holt.

I know it might feel weird
to report another officer,

but it's the right move.

Holt's gonna eat him for breakfast.

Maldack has no idea
what's about to hit him.

I'm not gonna submit this.

What? Why not?

Because I think it's a mistake.

Hey, Sarge? Everything okay?

Only ask 'cause you haven't
moved in the last 58 minutes.

He doesn't want me
to file the complaint.

Well, of course Officer
Maldack doesn't want you

to file the complaint.

He's the one being complained about.

I just realized you meant Captain Holt.

- Yeah.
- What?

Did you mess up the grammar

- or something?
- Did you dangle a participle?

Ugh, Terry, Holt hates a dangler.

Grammar was fine.

He said he thought
filing it was a mistake.

Wow. Well, look.

Captain Holt cares about
you more than anything.

I'm sure he's got a good reason.

Maybe you should go talk
to him about it, you know?

Go to his house.

Yeah. That's a good idea.
I'm gonna do that.

And while you're talking to him,

Jake and Amy can babysit your kids.

Unless they're too busy
making babies of their own.

- Shaka-daka-dow.
- Get out of us.

But yes, we are happy to
look after the kids again.

Thanks, guys. I
appreciate your support.

Now, I'm gonna go find out

what the hell is going
on with Captain Holt.

Are you two sure you
should be babysitting?

You seemed real freaked when
you called me last night.

Yes, but then we figured
out how to be good parents.

TV and cake.

TV and cake were my parents.

It's okay.

Sergeant Jeffords.

That's right.

It's me, Sergeant Jeffords,

from the precinct.

I'm the guy whose damn complaint

you don't want to submit,

and I can't think of
one damn reason why!

Everyone.

This is Sergeant Jeffords.

Hi!

I'm sorry for interrupting
your dinner party.

No problem at all. This is important.

Also, Kevin's friend Margo is here,

and she's a real class-A drip.

Sir, I can't get why you don't
want me to file the complaint.

I thought you of all
people would support me.

First of all, let me say,
what that officer did to you

was wrong, deeply wrong,
and I'm furious about it.

Okay. So why don't you back me up?

Because that complaint could backfire.

Cops who blow the whistle on other cops

almost always face a backlash,

just like people who
socialize with Margo

invariably hear about
her trip to Scottsdale.

You're real worked up about Margo.

Sorry.

She's horrible.

Listen, I don't want to
see your career derailed

because you were besmirched

for reporting on another officer.

But what he did was wrong.

He should be besmirched!

Yes, but is that besmirching worth

the greater besmirching of your career?

You have to balance besmirchings.

There's politics to being a cop.

But I wasn't harassed for being a cop.

I was harassed as a black man.

I'm not saying do nothing.

I'm saying the most powerful action

you can take is to
rise through the ranks

so that you can make
large-scale changes.

I've had to pick my battles,

and it hasn't always been easy,

but now I have my own precinct,

a precinct whose officers
would never do to you

what Officer Maldack did.

I understand what
you're saying, but...

Shh.

I hear Margo's squeaky
shoes in the hallway.

One guess as to where in Arizona
she brought them. Scottsdale.

Oh. Ray. There you are.

I'm about to start my
Scottsdale slideshow.

It has all the highlights.

There are no highlights
in Scottsdale, Margo.

That's what you think, Raymond.

Okay, we got chocolate-chocolate,

chocolate-vanilla, and
my personal favorite,

a bowl full of cake batter.

- And loads o' movies.
- Eh?

We don't want to do that.

Uh, maybe you didn't

hear us correctly.

We've got cake.

We've got movies.

It's time to party!

- Is being black bad?
- We're black.

Are we gonna get in trouble like Daddy?

Jake, can I talk to you for a second?

Yes, please.

- We have a problem.
- I know.

What kind of kids don't
want to eat cake?

Should we call Child Services on Terry?

Jake, I think we
have to face the music

and talk to them for real.

I know. You're right.

But I'm gonna munch the
cake batter while we do it.

If you don't eat the raw egg fast,

it makes you even more sick.

- Never mind, let's go.
- Okay.

Okay, girls.

There's something called prejudice,

which comes from the Latin
words "pre," or "before,"

and "judicium," which means "to judge."

Are you with me so far?

- both: No.
- No.

Okay. Um,

you know how it's tougher in
this world to be a woman?

both: It is?

No. No, no, no. That's
not what I meant.

Then I don't want to be a woman.

- Me neither.
- You don't have to be

if that's who you are... you know what?

That's a whole other conversation.

Uh...

Okay. Here we go.

A cop did a bad thing

and tried to get your daddy in trouble,

but your daddy didn't do anything wrong.

Because Daddy's black?

Yeah.

That's scary.

It is scary.

But that cop was wrong,
and what he did was bad.

And the most important
thing is your daddy's okay,

and he's not in trouble,

and he loves you both more
than anything in the world.

Okay? both: Okay.

Yeah. Okay.

Well, that wasn't so bad.

Well, if you guys have any other
questions, we're here for you.

- What's an orgasm?
- Come on!

Terry, I know you're upset,

but this is the right thing to do.

You're this close to the
City Council position,

and that's just the beginning.

It would be a shame to jeopardize that.

Look, I get that the
guys in our precinct

wouldn't profile me,

but it still happened

only one precinct over.

Which is why you need to keep
pushing forward in your career,

so that you can change the system.

Terry, you're a great cop.

You could become a chief or higher.

How long will it take
to make change that way?

Maldack is on the street now.

You know why I became a cop?

Please share.

Because when I was a kid,

I always wanted to be a superhero.

Stop it! Stop bothering little Terry!

- Or what?
- Or I will defeat you!

Whoa.

I wanted to help people
like that cop helped me.

But right now,

I don't feel like a superhero.

I feel the opposite.

When I got stopped the other day,

I wasn't a cop.

I wasn't a guy who lived
in a neighborhood

looking for his daughter's toy.

I was a black man, a
dangerous black man.

That's all he could see: a threat.

And I couldn't stop thinking
about my daughters.

And their future.

And how years from now,

they could be walking down the street,

looking for their kids' Moo Moo,

and get stopped by a bad cop.

And they probably won't get
to play the police card

to get out of trouble.

I don't like that thought,

and I'm gonna do something about it.

So I don't care if it
might hurt my career.

I'm filing that report.

Even if I have to go
over your head to do it.

Kind of seemed like you were gonna

get up and leave after saying all that.

I was, but I think I hear Margo.

Thanks for babysitting last night.

The girls told me what you talked about,

and it couldn't have been easy.

I'm sorry I told them

orgasms was another word for oranges.

I panicked.

Yeah, it did make it awkward

when they asked for orgasm
juice this morning,

but I was more talking
about the other stuff.

Yeah. We didn't really
know what to say.

At one point, I'm pretty sure I sang

all of En Vogue's "Free Your Mind."

Well, they had fun, and
you made 'em feel safe.

You did good.

Oh. They made you a "thank you" card.

Aww.

Pretty sure my nose
isn't quite this big,

especially with all the
racial sensitivity talk,

but I appreciate the effort.

Sergeant Jeffords.

A moment of your time, please.

I came to a realization

after you stormed out last night.

I wouldn't say I stormed out.

I shook hands with both you
and Kevin before I left.

And Kevin and I agreed
that you squeezed

significantly tighter than necessary.

I guess I was a little worked up.

With good reason.

I thought a lot about our conversation.

When I was a young police officer

and things like this would happen to me,

I felt very alone.

I wanted to call out every
bad cop I encountered,

and there were a lot,
but as a black gay man,

I never had a superior
who was on my side,

so the advice I offered you,

that came from a different
place at a different time.

I put all my energy
towards rising to a rank

where I could make a difference.

Well, I'm there now, and I realize

that if I don't back you up on this,

I would be betraying the very thing

that I worked so hard for,

so I filed the complaint.

I appreciate that, Captain.

- Are you still upset?
- No. Not at all.

You should consider
modifying your handshake.

It's sending the wrong message.

Copy that.

Whew. I am so glad we don't have to do

any more babysitting for a while.

I know. It was so stressful.

So stressful.

But, like, actually
kind of rewarding too.

Shaping young minds like
that felt so powerful.

- Yeah.
- But, like, so exhausting.

Oh, yeah. Can you imagine
doing that every night?

Forget it.

But also, their little
shoes are so cute.

They're like little circles.

I know, and everything they hold

looks so big because
their hands are so tiny.

Yeah, and they have to hold a
cup of water with both hands

- 'cause they're so weak.
- I know!

Whoo-whee!

That's what I'm talking about!

- both: Boyle.
- Lucky for you,

Amy, I am an unlicensed doula.

I've delivered three of my cousins

and one of my uncles... long story.

- Go away!
- Yes, Papa.

Please close the blinds.

We're about to violate several
departmental regulations.

Ho, ho! All right!

It's been a very long week,

and as of right now,

we're both off duty.

I think we've earned a drink.

I can get behind that.

I heard from City Council
about the liaison position.

Is that right?

You didn't get it.

Oh.

Oh, this is a sad drink.

Was it the complaint?

We'll never know for sure,
but, uh, I think it's likely.

However, this is not a sad drink.

We're celebrating

to doing the right thing.

I don't know.

Maybe we shouldn't have
filed the complaint.

Maybe I could've done more if
I had gotten the liaison job.

Maybe.

But one thing's for certain.

Maldack will think twice

before making another bad
stop like that again.

That's a win.

Yeah.

It's tough.

It is.

So if Sharon's still out of town,

who's, uh, looking out
for Cagney and Lacey?

both: