Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 18 - Chasing Amy - full transcript

- What?

- Uh, nothing.

I'm gonna go over to there now.

Jake, what's going on?
Why is Amy's hair like that?

- Oh, she obsessively braids
her hair when she's nervous,

and she's super nervous
'cause she's taking

the sergeant's exam today.

- But Amy loves tests.

- Not this one.
- It's always been her plan

to be the youngest captain
in the history of the NYPD,

but if she doesn't pass
this exam,



she's gonna have to wait another
three years to take it again,

and that'll disrupt
her entire life calendar.

- Is that a real thing?

- It hangs over our bed.

- So she's stress-braiding.
- Big deal.

That's like a one
on the Santiago Panic Scale.

- Yeah, but we've also
jumped up to level two,

creepily singing songs

from the Great American
Songbook.

- * You're a grand old flag

* You're a high flying flag

- So, yeah, it's a little tough
right now,

but I think the worst
is behind us.

- Why are you taking so long
to cook my frickin' oatmeal?



- Yeah... oh.

- She'll be okay.

- Hey, babe.

Oh!

I see you've taken
the braids out.

Your hair looks fun.

- Now it's ready for me
to braid again.

- Okay. Ames, I don't want you
to take this the wrong way,

but you gotta calm
the "F train" down.

You're going to ace this test.

- You think that
because you love me,

and love has made you dumb.

- I disagree, if anything,
love has made me smarter.

Remember last week
when I boiled that egg?

- That was big.
- I was really proud of you.

- Yes, and...
- Hold onto your crazy-ass hair...

Because I'm about to prove
to you that you have

nothing to worry about.
Follow me.

Practice test.

You ace it, you relax,

you nail the real one,
you become a sergeant,

you make grateful love to me
for 14 hours straight.

- Jake...
- Fine, one hour.

15 minutes.
Eight.

Three but they're
mind-blowing.

- I told you a million times...

- You don't really want
more than three.

- No, practice exams
are worthless.

The testing conditions are
way too pristine.

There's nothing to distract you.
I mean, look around.

A child could pass
the frickin' MCAT in here.

I knew you would say that,

which is why I've asked
these officers...

to do their paperwork in here
while you take the test.

He writes way too loudly.
She's always yawning.

He has a gross cold.

IBS, IBS.

She has
a weird arm-stretching thing.

IBS, IBS,
and Hitchcock and Scully

with two hours worth
of potato chips.

- Oh, my God, it's gonna be
crinkle-city.

- Jake said we get to eat
with our mouths open.

What a day!

- Babe, take the practice test.
- Then you'll know you're ready.

- Okay.
- See you in two hours.

- Sir, a witness
just came in with her child.

While she was being interviewed,
I took the kid to the soft room,

and the toy situation in there
is kind of bleak.

- Is this your opinion
or the child's opinion?

- It's mine.
- Trick question.

Any opinion about toys
is a child's opinion.

- All we have in there are
toys from the movie "Kazaam,"

and none of 'em are even Kazaam.

I have
an extra graphing calculator

I could leave in there
for the children.

- Um, I was thinking we could
liven things up in there.

Maybe add a model train?

I used to love 'em
when I was a kid.

- I was also a model train
enthusiast as a child.

Those miniature tracks
provided me

with some of
my happiest memories.

All aboard!

The train will be departing
in 45 minutes.

I like this idea, Jeffords.

I'll help you build
the train set.

- Sweet!
- This'll be fun!

- I hope not.

It's trains.

- Gina, as you know,

Great Nana Boyle
recently passed.

- Yes, I watched the live stream
of the plug-pulling ceremony.

- Anyway,
they executed her will.

- Guess what she left me?
- No.

- Her silk bed sheets.

They were very special to her.
She insisted on dying in them.

Don't get jealous.
She left you something too.

- Oh, that's so nice of her.

And it's a big jar
of brown sludge

that smells like death.

- Oh, you got the mother dough!

- Ugh!
- Did this come out of her?

Charles, how grossed out
should I be right now?

- No, that's the Boyle family
sourdough starter.

It's fed us for 140 years.

The bread it births is succulent
and firm... tang for days.

- I hate so many of the words
you just used.

Charles, if it's so great,
why would she give it to me?

I barely knew her.

- You know what,
she probably got you confused

with my cousin Tina.
He was always her favorite.

- Tina is a boy's name?

- Yeah, short for Christina.
- Mm.

- You're right,
it's pretty gross.

You don't bake bread.
Let me take it off your hands.

- Oh, Charles.

Charles, Charles, Charles.

You already showed your cards,
baby boy.

You know how badly
you want this,

so you're gonna
have to pay for it.

- Gina, please.

- No, I'll take $10,000.

- What?
- Are you out of your mind?

- Probably.
- You don't even want that.

You said it smelled like death.

- I thought it did, but now...

Smells like opportunity.

- Ugh.
- Oh, God,

it really does smell bad.
My eyes hurt.

- Ahh.

- What are you looking
all wistful about?

- Just thinking,
about relationships and love,

and how I'm way better at them
than I thought I'd be.

Should I do a TED Talk on it?

- Doesn't seem any dumber
than all the other TED Talks.

- I mean, Amy was a wreck
and I fixed her.

The weird thing is,
I love her so much,

I don't even feel like bragging
about it.

- Clearly.
- You get it.

- All right, two things.
- One, we're out of chips.

- How?
- You skimped us.

And two, Amy left and asked me
to give you this note.

What's she say?
She go out to get us more chips?

- No, the practice test
freaked her out.

She's not taking
the sergeant's exam.

Damn it!

- Amy's not in the break room.
- Or the evidence room.

- Or the ladies' bathroom.

You know what?
I'll check again.

- I've never seen him walk
with such purpose.

What a wretched man.

- I can't believe
this is happening.

I didn't think there was any way

she could fail
the practice test.

- Well, we still have
three hours until the exam.

- First we gotta figure out
where she is.

All right, think.
If you were Amy,

where would you be right now?

- Oh, uh, boring pantsuit store.

A crossword factory?

A museum of retainers
and headgear?

Is it possible to enter
the color beige?

- All right.

Ooh, I know, I can call her
from Sarge's phone.

There's no way she'll turn down
a call from a superior officer.

Everybody shush!

It's ringing,
I can hear her phone.

She's still in the building.

She's still in the room!

She's in...

her desk drawer!

Nope.
It's just her purse.

Phone must be in the purse.
That makes more sense.

- Phone, wallet, keys.

She didn't take anything
with her.

- That means she's still close.
- Let's go!

Duty Sergeant said she exited
this way, and...

she's not here.
Damn it!

- Stop thinking about her
like she's your girlfriend.

What would you do
if she was a perp?

- I guess role play,

try and see the world
through her eyes.

Oh, no, what if I see
my reflection

and fall in love with myself?

- Jake, we have a literal
ticking clock situation here.

- Roger that.
- Okay, fine, I'll be Amy.

Just know everything I'm
about to say, I say with love.

Okay.
I'm outside.

It's 78 degrees and yet
somehow I'm still cold.

Better walk on the sunny side
of the street.

Wait, did I remember
to put on sunscreen?

Pause to think, pause to think.

Yes, I did put on sunscreen,

and I bragged about it
all morning.

Amy's on the move.
And I'm walking,

I'm walking.

- GP40 Diesel locomotive
with sprung drive wheels,

rule 17 lighting,
and full underbody detailing.

You're gonna be
the belle of the ball.

- Terry is your god.

All hail Lord Terry,
giver of life.

"All hail Lord Terry."

Check out Jeffords Junction.

It's got a ice cream shop,
a '50s diner,

and a Mexican restaurant
with a sombrero on it.

- What happens to the sombrero
when it rains?

I see no drains.
Does it just fill up with water

until the building collapses,
killing everyone inside?

It never rains
at Jeffords Junction.

- So you achieved
this level of lushness

through irrigation alone?

- I don't know.

I'm just trying to build
a fun world.

That's what model trains are
all about: imagination.

- No, they're about accuracy.

People like to see
the world around them

exactly as it is, but smaller.

- Okay, well, we can have
part of the model be

very accurate and
part of it will be creative.

I'm okay with that.

- Yes, yes, as am I.

Would you fetch me
the 8 millimeter level

from my office?

- Oh, sure.

- Oops.

- Gina! I just want to say,
I am disgusted by you.

You somehow lucked your way
into a family heirloom,

and have the gall to ask me
to give you $10,000 for it?

That's an absurd amount
of money!

Took me all morning
to get it together!

- Oh, I thought you were
telling me off.

- And what would that get me?
- Pride?

You can't make bread with pride.

- Well, unfortunately,
I've changed my mind.

I want to keep the mother dough.
I'm gonna start baking.

- I see what you're doing.
- You're trying to up the price.

Well, shame on you.

But also, here you go.

An extra $2,000.

You won't get one cent more...

after this.

- Charles, get your chicken leg
off my desk.

I don't want your money, Boyle.

- What's going on?
- Nothing,

I just realized that I just love
old, sour bread so much!

- Come on, Gina.
- Fine!

I put it under my desk

and my space heater
burnt it to a crisp.

You're a murderer!

- Listen, you gotta get over it.

It was just
some old bread batter.

It had black spots in it.

- Those are sour spores!

That's where the tang
comes from.

That's tang town.

- I'm walking.

I'm walking and I'm seeing
a paper supply store.

I wonder if they have
those new summer folders?

- Whoa, you're good.
- I've definitely heard her

talk about those folders.

- That's because they have
such a fun color scheme,

perfect for vacation
organization.

- This is chilling.

Darn it to heck.

The store is closed.

My bad day just got
a whole heck of a lot worse.

Time to go...
smoke in secret.

And as I'm shame-smoking,
I'm seeing...

The library.

- Captain, did you throw away
my sombrero restaurant?

- Oh, I might have knocked it
in the bin by accident.

I do remember saying,
"Oops."

Fine, I'll come clean.

You're ruining our model
with your frivolous garbage.

- We're building this for kids!

You really think
they're gonna enjoy

your brown rectangle of dirt
with one little house?

- Excuse me, this is
an accurate facsimile

of a mid-sized switching yard.

And it isn't a "little house."

It's a work shed
where the yardmen get

their OSHA-mandated eight hours
of rest between shifts.

So, yeah, I think the kids
are gonna love it.

- Okay, we have a witness
coming in at 3:00 with her son.

Let's split this train set
in two,

make our own models,
and see which one he likes more.

- You're on.

- You don't stand a chance.

I'm gonna turn Jeffords Junction

into the funnest town
in America.

That's right,
I said "funnest."

- Stop dancing.

Stop dancing.

This is a direct order.

Stop...

dancing.

- Of course I know Amy Santiago.

She was here earlier.

She used my phone to call
a car service.

- But she doesn't have
her wallet.

How's she gonna pay for that?

- We have a joint account
at Brooklyn Town Cars.

I can call them,
and they'll tell me

where they dropped her off.

- She got out here.
- I don't know where she went.

- That's it?
- You didn't watch her?

You didn't follow her
with your eyes?

- No, that would be creepy.

- Well, next time,
do the city a favor

and creep it up a little, bud!

Let's think,
where did she go next?

Let's mix it up.
This time, you play Amy.

- She's in that building
right there.

- Aww, you didn't do the voice.

- That's the Department
of Records,

where her best and only friend
Kylie works.

- Ah ha!
- "Noice."

- She signed in 20 minutes ago.

- Yet another great opportunity
for the voice.

Amy's not here.

- Don't give up, babe,
you'll find me.

- Not now, Rosa.

- Okay, so Amy's test is
in an hour

and we have no idea
where she is.

I'm spiraling.
Somebody say something positive.

- I cannot believe
you screwed this up for her.

- I was kind of
hoping for something

more traditionally positive,

as opposed to overtly negative.

- And I was hoping you wouldn't
lose my best friend.

- Starting to feel like you're
not a real big Jake head.

- Oh, no, I like him,
just not as a boyfriend for Amy.

Or as a trivia teammate.

- Okay, Kylie, you have gotta
get over the trivia thing.

I tried my hardest!

The phrase
you're looking for is,

"Winter is coming."

- No, what Paul Revere said was
that the British are coming.

- Come on.
- Yeah, come on.

So what, Paul Revere never said
"winter is coming?"

Not even in late autumn?
I still think I was right.

- Can we please get back to Amy?

She signed in downstairs
20 minutes ago,

but she didn't come here,
so where is she?

- Well, this is
the Department of Records,

so I'm going to make
an educated guess

and say she came here
for a record.

- Ooh, not sure you're qualified
to make an educated guess.

- Okay, I know where
you're going with this,

the Theory of Relativity
question.

Uh, he's got crazy hair,
super smart, Jewy name.

Eisenberg!
Jesse Eisenberg.

- Sit down!

- Look, I know lots of things.

I know the names
of every Transformer.

Yeah, even the Dinobots.
Grimlock much?

- No.
- Okay.

I'm not dumb, I just can't
handle the trivia pressure.

Anyway, can you please
just look up every file

that's been logged out
in the past 20 minutes?

- Fine, but I'm doing it
for her, not for you.

- Fine.

Trivia Nazi over here.

- Yeah, there was
a 99th precinct case file

from January, 2014,
that was just accessed.

- Okay, I definitely know
where she is.

- Like you definitely knew
the Serengeti was

a type of pasta?

- Let it go, Kylie!

- Mount Terry's looking good,
just add a little snow,

and... perfect.

- Ah, yes.
- Now, that's what I call

the right amount
of arid shrubbery.

- Great job, Captain.

That's just what the kid's
gonna want,

to play in a serial killer's
dumping ground.

All aboard
the Jeffords Victory Express!

- Oh, I'm sure the child
will love that you put

a steam locomotive whistle
on a diesel train.

I'm joking... he's going to vomit
when he hears that.

- Kid's here.
- Show him in.

- This is Dylan.

- Hello, Dylan.
- I'm Captain Holt.

We have some trains here
to play with,

like this one that carries
coal and rivets,

the two main exports
of our town.

Would you like to transport
some coal or rivets?

- Or... would you like to come
over here to Jeffords Junction,

where it's always
all four seasons and a volcano?

- Do you have guys have
any video games?

- Okay, I see
what's happening here.

You're afraid that you're gonna
make Sergeant Jeffords feel bad.

Don't worry, he's a subordinate.

- No, just...
- Trains are kinda lame

and nobody plays with them.

- Okay, but surely
one of these trains

is less lame than the other,
right?

- No, they look
exactly the same to me.

- Get out.

- Gina.

I just got an email
from the council of cousins.

Tina Boyle is contesting
the will.

- So?
- So he's coming here

right now with an officer
of the court.

The mother dough is to be placed
in protective custody

until the matter is resolved.

- Yeah, it's resolved.
- I cooked it.

- Don't you understand what will
happen if they find out?

Gina, they will banish you
from the family.

No more Boyle activities.

No Christmas cards,
no Thanksgiving cards,

no Valentine's cards.

That's right,
imagine a Valentine's Day

with no cards from your cousins.

- Oh, my God.
- This is a dream come true.

You think I can get out
of all the family vacations too?

Because let's be honest,
Charles,

Aruba was the worst thing
that's ever happened.

How do all 18 of you

have sleep apnea?

- Listen, we have to do
something.

Maybe if we put the dough
in the box, they won't check.

- Won't check what?

- Christina!
- How are you?

Great jacket.
Where'd you get it?

- You know,
I got it at Mervyn's.

Where's my mother dough?

- Yeah, about that.
- Um, it's an interesting story,

what happened with that thing,
because...

- Yeah, it is interesting.

- I killed her.
- No!

- I killed her dead.
- No, she didn't.

- Put her by a space heater
till she was burnt up

- to a black lump of coal.
- No, shh.

- Oh, my God.

- Yeah, that's right, she gone.

- First of all,
Gina, I love you.

Secondly, you're banished
from the family.

Oh, no!

May I still please be
on the Boyle daily email blast?

- Please?
- I'm afraid not.

You'll just get
the weekly blasts,

like the rest
of our acquaintances.

- It was an accident,
she didn't mean it.

- I'm sorry it had to end
this way.

Charles, I love you.

- I love you too.

- But you brought Gina
into this family,

and you're also banished.

What?

- Oh, there you are, thank God.

- Hey.
- How'd you find me?

- January 14th, 2014.

Detectives Peralta and Santiago
conducted surveillance

from a rooftop
at 397 Barton Street.

This is where we came
the night I won our bet

and you fell in love with me.

- Jake.
- The night that you flirted

with me for 20 seconds
and I became

obsessed with you forever.

Ready?

- I'm sorry I freaked out
and ran away.

- It's okay.

Just because you messed up
the practice test

doesn't mean you're gonna
fail the real one.

- I didn't mess it up.
- I got 102%.

I found a spelling error
in one question.

I gave myself extra credit.

- Then why'd you leave?

- Because that was
the first time it really hit me.

When I pass the exam,
I'll actually be a sergeant.

And... what if everything
changes between us?

- That's why you came here?

- Yeah.

Things are so good right now.

I don't want to screw that up

by getting transferred
or becoming your boss.

- Ames, I've always known
you were gonna be my boss.

I mean, this is your dream,
from before we were dating.

And yeah,
things might change a little,

but for the better, right?

We can finally get
premium cable,

check out all those shows
on EPIX.

- Look, you can't be afraid
to be successful.

You're too good for that.

- I love you.

- I love you too.

Wait!
The test.

- We gotta get you outta here.
- Right.

- I'm gonna be a sergeant.
- You're gonna be a sergeant!

You don't have a key

for this random roof door,
do you?

- Come on.
- Come on!

Oh, no!

I broke the hotel key
I forgot was in my wallet

for the last five years.

- Where's Rosa?
- We can't wait for her.

The exam's in 20 minutes.

- It's my fault we're up here.

I just won't take the test.

I'll wait three years
for the next one.

- Oh, no, you won't.

- No.
- Jake,

you are not Die-Harding
off this roof.

- I am definitely Die-Harding
off this roof,

for you and only for you,
and also for me

'cause I've always wanted
to do it.

Jake, come on,
get down from there.

It's too dangerous.

- It's perfectly safe.

See you in hell, kiddo.

- What?

- Yippee ki-yay!

Bars, bars, bars!

- Oh!
- Are there bars on the window?

- Yeah,
there bars on the window.

- I just set up
a video game system.

The kid's much happier.

Turns out children don't care
about model trains.

- Not only children.

I'm beginning to think
nobody does.

Kevin, you are not gonna
believe this.

Terry put
Lo-V IRT Pullman rolling stock

on a ballastless track.

I was dying, Kevin, dying.

Yes, you can hang up now.

I guess we're condemned...

to a life of solo railroading.

- We don't have to be.

I know we've had
our differences,

but through some crazy twist
of fate we found each other.

Shouldn't we just be excited

that we have someone
to share that with?

- Not interested.
- Good day.

- Okay.
- Well, I just wanted to show you

I got a tiny little
train inspector.

It's to make sure
the tracks were up to code.

I'll be going.

- Wait.

You left your figurine behind
for some reason.

Take it.

Wait.

Come on, Sergeant,
take the train through the pass.

- All aboard the Terryliner.

Next stop, Holtsovania.

- Where are you guys?

What the hell is taking you
so long?

Did Jake Die-Hard
off the roof?

- Yeah.
- But the windows have bars.

- Yeah, we all know
about the bars, Rosa!

- All right,
you get to the exam,

I'll take care of Jake.

- Yeah, don't worry about me.

The important thing is,
you go become a sergeant.

Leave me!
I know it's gonna be hard

to walk away,
but you have to be strong!

- She left like two minutes ago.
- You're talking to nobody.

- Yeah, that makes sense.

- This is when the Boyles
went to that farm

and we all got
hoof and mouth disease.

Ah, when we went
to that water park,

and we all got
hoof and mouth disease again.

- That was a good vacation.

- Sam, Tina, what are you
doing here?

- Gina called us.

- What?
- Why?

- Because I wanted
to show you this.

It's a new mother dough.

Now, I know it's not
140 years old,

but I will feed it,
and I will nurture it,

and it will grow,
and eventually it'll be

just as sour and smelly
as the old one.

- What about the tang?

- It will be tang town.
- Tang town.

- Now can you just let Charles
back into the family, please?

- How will we get
to this new mother dough?

- You can all
come by my apartment

and take a little piece
whenever you want.

- We'll need keys.
- Why?

- In case you're not home,
or in the bath.

- Gina, it's okay,
you don't have to do this.

- Yes, I do,
because you're my brother.

Isn't she great?
We used to have sex, you know.

Cool.

- You don't have to mention that
every time, you idiot.

- Hey.

- Hey!
- That looks like the strut

of a lady
who just crushed an exam.

- I sure did,
and finished 45 minutes early.

- Oh, nice, did everyone else
give you dirty looks?

- So dirty.

How long were you hanging
off the roof for?

- Long enough for me to take
a bunch of pics.

- Ah-ha, very funny.
- No "soc."

Listen.

I just want to thank you guys

for chasing me down
and getting me here.

I know it's been
a rough day, Jake,

but I think I know
how to make it up to you.

Three minutes?

- Oh, no, not that.
- Even better.

- Okay, welcome to trivia night.

- You said you would never
bring him again.

- Don't worry,
it's gonna be fine,

- I promise.
- Is it?

- Tonight's first category,
by special request,

the "Transformers" movies.

- Yes!

- Question one.
- What is the name

of the evil race
of Transformers?

- The robot... bad robot.
- Oh, God, I don't know.

- Damn it, Jake!
- I'm sorry,

I can't take the trivia "presh"!

Why couldn't you have just
given me the three minutes?

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.