Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Mole - full transcript

Whoo!

Extreme!
[Chuckles]

Oh, you guys are probably
curious about this.

It's no biggie.

My car's in the shop, so I
rode in on Rosa's motorcycle.

I guess you could say
I'm a gear head now.

He held on to me so tight,
it was like a two-mile Heimlich.

Those things have no walls on them.

Captain,
why are you sitting at my desk?

Lieutenant Miller from
Internal Affairs is here.

He's taken over my office.



Apparently, someone has been
leaking classified information

to a criminal syndicate.

The entire squad is
under investigation.

That's crazy.

No one here's a mole.
How can you be so sure?

Because I know these guys.

I know everything about them.

Well, you're a poor police officer

if you don't think people
can surprise you.

Not these people.
Here, watch this.

I know what everyone's
gonna do tonight.

It's Thursday,
so Gina's gonna leave early

to rehearse with her new
dance group, Dancy Reagan.

There the first ladies of movement.



Amy's gonna be
going over her weekly budget.

And Charles will be attending
a "pizza for one" cooking class.

Tonight's menu:
Pepper-alone-I.

And if I run and leap at Terry,

he will most certainly
catch me in his arms.

- Coming in!
- No! I'm holding coffee!

♪ ♪

Hey, I'm about to sit down
with internal affairs.

I figure that I will charm them

with a couple of quips
about my own "Internal Affairs."

Talking about my tum-tum.

Please don't joke around in there.

I know you're used to riffing with me,

but Internal Affairs detectives
rarely have my sense of humor.

Wow, you are really worried
about this investigation.

Okay, fine.

I promise I will be stone-cold
serious in my interview.

I'll even use my serious face.

If you're wondering
how I'm pulling this off,

I'm thinking about the time
when I was eight

and Don Mattingly
called me a little turd.

- Was he right?
- Yes.

(Jake) Hey there.

Jake Peralta.

I'm sorry, handshakes
are the greatest avenues

of germ transmission.

I generally prefer simple nods.

Okay.

Would you, uh, pass me
that hand sanitizer, please?

Yeah.

No, no, no!

Use your elbows.

And keep your nostrils closed.

Don't breathe on it.

Ah!

Forget it, I'll just use a wipe.

Smart.

Get off, damn germs.

So what information
has been leaked and by who?

You don't need to know that.

All you need to know is that
a felony has been committed

by someone on your squad, and
I'm gonna find out who did it.

Now... have you ever
taken confidential information

about an ongoing investigation
out of this precinct?

No.

I would never do something that stupid.

I did something really stupid.
I need your help.

You know how I'm kind of a sexy bad boy

who rides motorcycles into work

and is always breaking the
rules in the name of justice?

I don't like where this is going.

Well, I also maybe sometimes
bring home case files

to work on them after hours,

and I might not be that great
about returning them.

Oh, God.

Are you aroused because
of what a bad boy I am?

- No!
- No!

You could be suspended for that.

He could think you're the mole!

Not so loud.

Yes, Amy, I do drink from the bowl

definitely pulled that off.

Look, I need to get those files.

Can you please give me a ride?

Fine.
I'll get my stuff,

but this better not bite me in the ass.

Better not bite me in the ass
is the name of your sex tape.

But seriously, thank you
so much for your help.

Peralta.

How'd it go with Miller?

Fantastic, he loved me.

I would give you more details,
but someone just came in

to try and find her dalmatian coat.

(Wuntch) Hello, Raymond.

Madeline.

I wondered why all the birds
had suddenly stopped singing.

What brings you here?

I heard you were under
investigation by Internal Affairs.

Didn't wanna miss that.

So much time with your ear
to the pavement.

It's a pity a truck
hasn't run over your head.

Very visual.

When, oh when,
will you quit police work

and pursue your dream of poetry?

I'm looking for detective Scully.

You must be from I.A.B.

I'm deputy chief Wuntch.
Nice to meet you.

If you have a minute,
I'd love a detailed report

of this investigation.

I.A.B. exists outside
of department hierarchy.

I don't answer to you.

Detective Scully, you're up.

Oh, uh, okay...

Um...

No. You know what?

We'll do this over the phone.

(Wuntch) Oh, Raymond.

An Internal Affairs investigation?

A drug task force
that hasn't found any drugs?

This precinct's a disaster.

Maybe that's why
the birds stopped singing.

Out of respect
for the death of your career.

Good-bye, Raymond.

Detective Diaz.

Can you give me even
a shred of good news

about your drug task force?

The good news is
I can be brief about it.

We have nothing.

Sorry. I had to talk my twins
into getting their hair done.

There are some promises
involving lollipops

I do not intend to keep.

The task force has made some busts.

But we still haven't found
any high-level dealers

or major drug stashes.

But we will soon.

Is that a promise?

Or just another lollipop
that no one's ever gonna lick?

Wuntch is waiting
for this task force to fail.

I need tangible results.

Sarge and I are going
undercover at electric library.

It's a silent disco.
Everyone wear headphones.

It's actually very respectful
to the neighbors

except for the lewd acts and vomiting.

There's usually some ecstasy
at these things.

So hopefully,
we'll find some giggle pig.

Great. I hope there's a lot
of drug activity there.

Of course, ideally,
there will be nobody

taking drugs there or anywhere
else in the district.

But if drugs must be found,
let it be there.

Please, God, let it be there.

Trunk!

All right, that's it.

One box of files
and one box of powdered donuts

from under my bed.

Oh, cool.
Can I see those?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

Oh, no, no, no!

This is a new car.

- I won't have you Jake it up with donut powder.
- Ah...

I hate to say it, but we still
need to make one more stop.

There's still some files
at my old place.

A.K.A. Gina's apartment.

Ugh, fine.
I'll call her.

[Grunts]

Wow, there's so many fancy
buttons on your steering wheel.

It's like a spy car, that's cool.

Here, let me call her.
Yeah.

[Hoarsely] Car, call Gina Linetti.

What is that voice?

It's my spy voice.

[Hoarsely] Car, initiate ghost mode.

That's a seat warmer.

Oh, that's even better than rockets.

My butt gets very cold.

It's Gina's phone.

Leave me a voice-mail.

I won't check it 'cause it's not 1993.

We should go there anyways.

Her phone's probably off
'cause of dance rehearsal.

God, this I.A.B. guy
is ruining my life.

But I do have some good news in three,

two...

Pocket donut!

No!

It's everywhere.

Backup.

Gina, open up.

[Muffled pop music playing]

Well, luckily, I still have a
key from when I lived here.

- Mm.
- Ah!

Here we go.

[Both gasping]

Both:
Oh, my God!

[All screaming]

Oh, God!

What is going on?

Gina and I are casual lovers.

[Both groan]

Ew.

How long has this been going on?

(Gina) We hooked up once, last summer

and then the nightmare started
again about a month ago.

Ever since then,
it's been orgasm-city.

[Both groan]

Ew!

Yuck, gross.
Right, guys?

Wait a minute.

You lied to me?

There was no "pizza for one"
cooking class tonight.

You've been lying to me for weeks!

Oh, I can't tonight.

I'm teaching inner city kids
to make candles.

Oh, sorry.

I'm going to a prenatal yoga class.

No can do, going
to my adult tumbling class.

Yes, Jake, those were lies.

But the way you looked at me
when you thought I was a gymnast

made me wish it were true.

You came into work
with chalk on your hands, Boyle.

I don't even know you anymore.

I'm leaving.

I just gotta get
some old case files first.

Don't be mad, Jake.
You still know me.

I'm still Charles.

I just have four extra sex moves.

Five... forgot about
"boy on top."

Ugh.

[Disgusted groans]

[Electronic dance music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(Rosa) Terry!

Terry.

I can't believe they call this
a "silent disco."

This is not a disco.

And I should know.
I was raised on disco.

[Rose Royce's car wash playing]

Little Terry loved the hustle.

Excuse me, can I get a bottle of water?

Good move.

Giggle dehydrates the hell out of you.

Yeah, I don't do that stuff.

I don't even drink.

Hey, your shirt.

My daughters go to the learning grove.

Did you get that from
a vintage store or something?

No, I went there.

I was in the dolphins class.

And you don't do drugs or drink.

Have a water on the house.

- Well, she was useless.
- Not entirely.

I learned that my babies
are on the right track

because their pre-school
turns out nice kids.

Yeah, I can't wait to tell Holt that

at the task force meeting.

Now let's go look for some bad kids

who went to sub-par
pre-schools.

That was insane.

I mean, who else is hooking
up that we don't know about?

Rosa and Terry?
Holt and Scully?

You and Hitchcock?

You need to forget about Charles, okay?

You need to get inside
and put those files back.

Wait, wait, wait.
Why'd I get Hitchcock?

Because you're the girl version of him.

Thanks again for all your help.

- Okay, bye.
- Wha...

Hey, captain.

Mind if we sit?

Is everything okay?

Nothing's okay.

Wuntch...
Circling me like a shark

frenzied by chum.
The task force,

turning into
a career-threatening quagmire.

An Internal Affairs investigation

casting doubt upon my integrity.

And you ask,
"is everything okay?"

I am buffeted by the winds
of my foes' enmity

and cast about by the
towering waves of cruel fate.

Yet I, a captain, am no longer
able to command my vessel,

my precinct, from my
customary helm, my office.

And you ask,
"is everything okay?"

I've worked the better part
of my years on earth

overcoming every prejudice

and fighting for the position I hold.

And now I feel it being
ripped from my grasp.

And with it...
The very essence

of what defines me as a man.

And you ask,
"is everything okay?"

Yeah, I hear you.

My dog has taken over
my favorite chair.

It's like, how did it all slip away?

Gentlemen.

Damn it, Charles.
This is a crisis.

Step one: Termination.

You and I will never touch again.

Damn! If I'd known
it was our last time,

I would've moaned more.

Step two: Containment.

We need to make sure
that no one else finds out.

Yeah, Jake won't tell anyone
if I ask him not to.

I'll handle him.
You take care of Amy.

But how to make it look
like an accident?

I'm not saying murder.

Just talk to her like a normal person.

Right, even better,

get her to tell me
all her little secrets

then if she tries anything...
Uhh... we can destroy her.

Hello, Peralta.

Oh, my God! Hi.

What's going on here?

Funny story.
I took these files home

a while ago,
even though I shouldn't have.

And now, I'm bringing them back.

Isn't that funny?

Are you laughing behind the mask?

No.

Kev!

Jake, it's after midnight.

This had better be about a murder.

No, I wish.

Look, I'm really sorry, but I
have to talk to captain Holt.

Raymond, your work life is here.

Please, come in.
Take off your shoes.

Neither of us want that.

What is going on, Peralta?

This has been a long day.

Well, I.A.B. caught me
returning some classified files,

and I am now the prime suspect

in the mole investigation,
and Miller said I would be

suspended in the morning.

But more importantly,
what does the "J" stand for?

James?
John?

Jo-Jo?

My middle name is more important to you

than being suspended?

If it's Jo-Jo? Yes.

Look, I came here because we
have to figure this thing out.

Miller is sure there's a mole
in the precinct,

and the only way to prove it's not me

is to figure out who it is.

You said there was no mole.

You said you knew everything
about these people.

Well, it turns out I don't.

I've learned some truly
horrible things tonight.

You were right, and I was wrong.

Goodness.

Boyle is sleeping with Gina?

What? How could you
possibly know that?

"You were right
and I was wrong."

You must have been shaken to
your core to say that to me.

Boyle is your most trusted friend,
so he has to be involved.

Your use of the word "horrible"

leads me to believe that
the matter was sexual in nature,

given your obvious immaturity.

Pfft. I've had sex.

And, of course, you would be most upset

if Boyle were to have
slept with someone

you knew from your childhood.

Thus, the solve:
Gina and Charles.

That was amazing.

Come into my study.

Let's figure out who that mole is.

I took all the giggle I had.

There might be some left in my
mouth if you wanna make out.

That sounds amazing.

I'd love to make out
with you once I'm super high.

Where can I get some?

That girl over there sold it to me.

(Terry) What happened, Ava?

I thought you said
you didn't drink or do drugs.

I don't.
Do you know how much math

is involved in dealing drugs?

You gotta keep a clear head.

Look, this doesn't have
to be a big deal.

Just give us the name of your supplier.

How'd you get involved in
dealing giggle?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
We gotta back this up.

After pre-school,
did you go to private

or public elementary?

Private.

- When were you potty-trained?
- That's so random.

Sarge, the giggle pig.

All right, let's go
through the squad one by one.

Rosa's very secretive.

I don't know anything
about her personal life.

Charles has expensive tastes.

Gina has said many times
that she would sell us all out

for five minutes with Blake Griffin.

Let's see, Terry wants to send
his twins to private school.

But on his salary, that's difficult.

- Mm...
- Plus with twins,

one of them's always evil, so...

It's Cagney.

Gina, is everything okay?

You never text me.

Look, the last message I got
from you was august 3rd, 2009.

You wrote, "sup, Rosa?"

Followed by, "never mind."

It's over between me and Charles.

I'm so upset.

Amy, when will I ever find
a relationship as perfect

as the one you have with Freddy?

It's Teddy, and it's not perfect.

Believe me.

All his underwear are lined with mesh

like a bathing suit.
Is it medical?

How do you even ask that?

I don't know, but keep talking.

(Jake) What else, what else, what else?

[Snaps]
Wait a minute.

One time, I saw Rosa eating watermelon.

But then, when I asked her about it,

she said she'd never eaten
that or any other kind of melon.

Now that I say it out loud,
it doesn't seem like much.

No.
Put it on the board!

Oh!

Hey, check it out.

- Dog bra.
- [Dog growling]

Dog bra.

Oh, I'm so tired.
I can't keep my eyes open.

Here...
I need you to slap me.

I'm not gonna do that, Peralta.

- Oh!
- I thought perhaps

the element of surprise would help.

It did!

I can't believe we can't
figure out who the mole is.

Well, there is someone
we haven't talked about yet.

Detective Jake Peralta.

What?

Someone's got a case
of the sleepover jokies.

Why would I be the mole?

You were just caught
sneaking classified material

into the precinct.

You spent six months
undercover in the mafia

and have many criminal contacts.

You've been known
to flaunt departmental rules

and regulations,
and you are deeply in debt.

Well, if you hadn't tricked me
into getting car insurance,

I wouldn't be in debt.

You wanna do me?
I'll do you right back.

Tit for toot.

I've been on the force for 30 years,

and I've never been accused
of impropriety.

Oh, is that a fact?

Because I heard you call
deputy chief Wuntch

by her first name and after that,

you told her you hoped
she got carried off by crows.

That is gross insubordination.

Madeline is irrelevant.

Our battles extend beyond
the confines of NYPD rules.

You're being ridiculous.

Am I? If you're
such a great cop,

how come you didn't know there
was a mole in your precinct?

That's right...
Because you did.

Because you are the mole, you mole!

I've heard enough!

Please return your guest pajamas,

guest toothbrush, and guest
slippers, and get out of here.

It's time for you to be suspended.

Peralta, shouldn't you be
suspended by now?

Yes, and I know that you're mad
that I'm here,

but you're about to get over it,

because I know who the mole is.

Lieutenant Miller.

I don't think
he's with I.A.B. at all.

I think he's spying for Wuntch.

- Wuntch?
- You said it yourself.

Your battles extend beyond
the confines of NYPD rules.

She wants information
about your task force,

but she can't get access,
so she sent in a spy.

That's why Miller was skulking around

the file room when I was
supposed to be the only skulker.

That's interesting.
I did notice something odd

when he and Wuntch first met.
She just nodded at him.

She didn't even try to shake his hand.

She already knew he was a germaphobe

because they'd met before.

Yes.

Unfortunately,
we don't have any hard proof

that they're working together.

Well, lucky for you,
proof is my middle name.

And yours is Jared.

Juice box.

Jellyfish.

[Gasps]
Jamiroquai!

Lieutenant Miller.

What do you want, Peralta?

I wanna play ball.

Clear my name,
and I'll give you information

about captain Holt.

Well, I'm interested.
What kind of information?

It's all on this.

Pretty dope drive, right?

It's a USB shaped like a gun.

Boink!

All right, I'll give it to my superiors

and I'll be in contact.

Hey, I know you only wanted
to hang out last night

so you could find out dirt on me.

What?
Uh-uh.

Look, you don't have to be worried.

I'll never tell anyone
about you and Charles.

But honestly, it's not
as embarrassing as you think.

It was shocking, but then I got
over it, and it seemed normal.

Except for seeing how hairless
Charles' legs are.

I mean, does he shave them?

No, he wears really cheap pants

and as far as I can tell,
he's been chafed smooth.

Yikes.

Imagine that wrapped around you.

Okay.

Okay. I could get in a lot
of trouble for this.

But the big secret
about captain Holt is...

That I have a flair for the dramatic.

Look behind you, Madeline.

[Holt clearing throat]
(Jake) We're actually in front of you.

That's my fault... I thought the
layout was gonna be different.

I didn't know how you guys
were gonna be sitting.

I took a chance.

Miller may be in Internal Affairs,

but he wasn't here
on official business.

You sent him to spy on us.

That's a flagrant
ethics violation, Madeline.

And it could sink you.

Fine, you're right.
But you can't prove that.

It's just your word against mine.

Ooh, actually,
it's your word against you.

Pardon me.

I put a recording device
in this dope drive,

so I got your whole conversation.

(Holt) You're going to leave

my precinct and my task force alone.

Or else...

You're...

Wuntch meat.

You sure you wanna go with that one?

Absolutely.
It's hilarious.

All right.

Hey.

I'm sorry about last night.

I let my personal stuff affect the job.

It's okay.

No, it's not.

This morning,
I did some real police work.

I called the learning grove.

They never had an "Ava Watson,"

so I faxed them a picture.

They identified her as Rebecca Lubbock.

I pulled her phone records and...

I think we have some good leads
on a possible supplier.

Wow, nice work.

And hey, you should never
worry about your kids.

You're the best dad I know.

Cagney and Lacey
are gonna grow up great.

- You think so?
- 100%.

You're right.

They're gonna be twin presidents.

They'll either run as one person

and trick everyone, or they'll as two

and serve for 16 consecutive years.

It's a damned Dynasty.

Excuse me,
I have an announcement to make.

Can I have everyone's attention,
please.

Charles Boyle and I had sex.

What the hell?

Gina, what are you doing?

Amy was right.

People will be shocked,
and then they'll get over it

and we can move on.

At least this way, I get
to control how it gets out.

I'm about to Olivia pope this sitch.

First off, I would like
to remind you all

about several notable men from my past.

The rock-climbing backpacker,
the underwear model,

the guy who looked like
Tywin Lannister.

I bring these men to mind

so you can appreciate this dalliance

for what it was...
An outlier.

I will now take questions.

How was the sex?

Gross.

The sex was gross, or I'm gross?

You're gross.
The sex was adequate.

How many times did you do it?

16 and 1/3.

Don't ask, can't explain.

I have a question.

Do you have any regrets?

No.
It was pretty fun.

[Mouths word]

Thank you so much for coming out today.

Hey, I should've said this last night,

but your first casual
relationship... nice work!

I know!

I didn't even propose to her once.

Jake, I'm so sorry I lied to you.

I mean, I wanted to tell you so badly.

But I promised Gina
I wouldn't tell anyone.

You kept a promise to a friend.

That sounds like the Charles I know.

Just like I know everyone here.

Yes, you do.
Although, there is something

you didn't know about me.

My middle name...

Is Jacob.

What?