Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Halloween II - full transcript

The Peralta/Holt annual Halloween bet continues when Jake challenges the Captain that he can steal his watch before midnight. Meanwhile, Gina is upset that her dance team, Floorgasm, kicks ...

Attention, boys and ghouls.

Nope.

Every Halloween, I dress up
in an amazing costume,

- and you never get what I am.
- No, we get what you are...

An adult man
who enjoys dress-up.

Very funny, Rosa.

This year, that won't be a problem

because you're gonna pick my costume.

[All grumble]

Uh, Ms. Pac-man's nipple.

No, that's brown.



Why would you know that?

- To be or not to be!
- Not to be.

Thank you.

[Yells]

Joan of Arc.
Rod Stewart.

Martha Stewart.

[Sighs] He-man!
Master of the universe.

I got it.
Gay Robin Hood.

(All) Yes!

(Terry) That's it, that's it.

(Gina) That's what it is.

♪ ♪

Oh, hey there, Captain.

Just curious, do you happen
to know what today is?



Well, based on the fact that
yesterday was the birthday

of legendary Dutch flautist
Frans Bruggen,

and a week ago it was october
24th, it's say today is...

It's Halloween.
Just say it's Halloween.

It's Halloween.

All right, and what
happened last Halloween?

Oh, I listened to the CD
I bought the night before,

the Frans Bruggen birthday concert.

Please stop saying Bruggen.

Last year, you bet me that you
could steal my medal of valor.

And you did.

Consequently, I was forced to
do your paperwork for a week

and to say words I thought
I'd never have to say.

Jake Peralta is an amazing
detective/genius.

But now it's time for round two
of our Halloween bet.

This year, I believe I'll make things

more difficult for myself.

Let's say, what, I'll steal
the watch right off your wrist.

Or we could just not do it
at all this year.

What?

Sir, with all due respect,
come on, homey! No?

It's not worth all the trouble,

just so you might call me
an amazing captain/genius

and give me one week
of overtime for free.

All right, fine,
I'll double the overtime.

I'll triple it!

I'll quadruple it!

I will five-druple it.

I'll five-druple the overtime.

Got his attention.

He's coming back to me.

Just to clarify.

If you steal my watch by midnight,

I will do your paperwork for a week,

but if you fail, you will give me

five weeks of overtime for free.

Correct.

I'm doing a cost-benefit
analysis in my head.

The benefits outweigh the costs.

We have reached an accord.

Accords!

Handing out these safety
pumpkins to neighborhood kids

is a cornerstone
in community relations.

And putting them together

is a boring-stone
in testing my patience.

We can use an assembly line
so it'll go quicker.

Ooh, that's a great idea, Terrence.

However, is there any way
I can skip doing that

and instead, not do that?

I have an urgent matter to attend to.

Okay, no problem.

Just come back and help us
when you're done.

Thank you.

I'll leave you guys with this.

One-duhl plus one-duhl equals...
Tootles.

[Chuckles]

Seriously, sarge?
You're just gonna let her go?

Look, a year ago, I would've
been thinking the same thing,

but I've learned to give her
the benefit of the doubt.

What kind of urgent matter

could Gina possibly have to attend to?

She's already checked herself out

in every reflective surface
around the precinct.

(Amy) Including my lip gloss.

She said she looked better
when I frowned.

I was behind the door!

Greetings, comrades, and welcome

to the most important
briefing of your lives.

As you all know,

the Holt-Peralta
Halloween bet has been made,

and the clock doth tick.

What's with the tux?

I decided to class up
this year's event.

I bought it off a disgraced magician,

and it is chock-full of scarves.

What? How?

A real magician never tells, young man.

Now, let's get started.

I've been planning this
for three months.

You've all been given
a specific role and a code name.

Rosa, you're the dagger.

Sarge, the hammer.

Amy, the hall monitor.

Yeah, suck it!

Scully and Hitchcock,
I'm just gonna call you

your real names
so you don't get confused.

- Smart.
- What?

And, Boyle, as requested,
you will be the deuce.

Although I still think you should
reconsider that code name.

Nope, deuce.

It's like ace, but twice as cool.

It is not.
It's a turd.

Now, because of last year,

the captain will suspect
that you are all helping me,

so we will never get
anywhere near his watch,

but the actual theft will be pulled off

by Dan McCreary, aka "fingers."

How you doing?

Call me "fingers."

Hey, I remember this guy.

That's probably because

you've arrested him twice
for pickpocketing.

You have a criminal helping you?

That's crazy!

Grow up, Amy.

Now, we will all
work together as a team

to move the captain into position.

Once there, fingers...
Loving that code name...

Will remove the captain's watch

and replace it with this replica watch.

Oh, that is a very dead dove.

Ooh!

All right...

This replica watch.

Jake, if he's been arrested before,

how do you know he's any good?

Perhaps this will answer your question.

Fingers!

Whoa.

That's our stuff.

My croissant.

But where's the smoked Turkey?

Check your breast pocket?

Come on!

[Gasps]

(Jake) Let's win this bet!

[Clears throat]

Salutations, Captain.

I was wondering perchance

if you would like to attend
the opera with me this Eve.

I'll pass,

choosing instead
to stay in my locked office

with my watch still safely on my wrist.

I had a feeling you might say that.

Thusfore, I have decided
to bring the opera to you.

Hitchcock, Scully!

♪ Oooo fortuna ♪

[Song continues]

Now, hammer, it's time.

It's hammer time.
I love life.

♪ ♪

You're up, dagger.

No need for the somersaults.

Disagree.

(Jake) Hall monitor, now!

♪ ♪

Okay, Boyle, and only because
you insisted I say this,

it's time to drop a deuce.

♪ ♪

And now, the Jake and bake.

♪ ♪

Whoa, come on, Amy!
Not cool!

That's a guy!

Peralta, that's enough!

[Scully continues singing operatically]

[Stammers]

(Holt) Sir, sir.

I'm so sorry.

I just wanted somebody
to check my son's candy.

Please, let me help you up.

On behalf of the nine-nine,
I apologize.

(Jake) Fingers has grabbed the package.

I didn't mean for that
to sound so dirty.

I'll have someone check your
son's bag of candy immediately.

Clark.

Thank you, sir.

If you need anything,
please, contact me.

I'll do that.
Thank you.

(Jake) The replica is on the wrist.

Game over.

I know all this was done
in the spirit of a friendly bet,

but this all went too far.

Am I understood?

- Peralta!
- Yes, sir.

Completely understood, sir.
I'm sorry.

But not as sorry as you're
going to be at midnight,

when you realize
you've lost everything.

Hello there, Hank.

I believe a tall,
nimble-fingered man

named McCreary left a package for me.

- Yeah, it's here. Give me a sec.
- Thanks.

Ooh, I'm gonna make a movie
of you receiving the watch.

Here.

Let me pinch your lips
and make fulsome.

Don't touch my face.

Fine, but if you have
dull lips, that's on you.

This is Charles Boyle
for Jake Action News.

Thank you.

Okay, open the box.

Here we go!

That's weird, it's just a note.

"Thanks for the watch"?

Oh, no!

McCreary stole the captain's watch!

Breaking news, there's been
a terrible development.

Not now, Charles.

Good call.
Media blackout.

We're okay.
It's not over yet.

I still have two hours to find fingers

and get Holt's watch back.

But how?
He could be anywhere.

He could be in Canada by now.

There are so many forests up there.

That country is one giant hiding place.

Boyle, I kinda need you to be
positive right now, okay?

Yes, sorry.
Damn my mouth.

All right, let's look up
McCreary's arrest records,

past addresses, known associates.

Peralta.

[Whispered] Run, deuce, run.

If you'll excuse me, sir, I have to...

Make urines in de toilet.

Yeah, that's how people say words.

I'd like to ask a favor.

Can we please press pause
on this bet for ten minutes?

Sure, or we could press
fast-forward,

and I could watch you
talk like a chipmunk.

[Imitating chipmunk] Peralta, I'm very
disappointed in you.

Yes, that would be very funny.

How do you ruin everything?

Kevin is bringing dinner for me,

and I don't think he'd
appreciate this bet we made.

This watch was given to me
by his father

just before he died.

Oh!
A death watch, cool.

Please, never call it that.

Copy that.
[Cell phone vibrates]

Oh, you know what?

You can have the ten minutes,
no problem.

Love you, bye.

Boyle, fingers just texted.

He said he wants to meet up.

Yes.
Let's get outta here.

Be cool.
Holt's watching.

Pretend I just said
something really funny.

[Both laugh]

- Get outta here.
- We gotta go.

Enjoy the vest and the light.

[Spooky voice] You'll be so safe,
it's scary.

Lame.

That kid gets it.

Thanks for finally joining us, Gina.

We had to stuff 400
of these things without you.

Great seeing you guys.

Unfortunately, I cannot stay long.

I just came to grab a healthy snack.

Got it.

I'm still tending to that urgent matter

I was talking about earlier.

Which is what exactly?

Hmm, funny you should ask, you
inquisitive litter ferret.

I've been practicing my dance moves.

♪ If you wanna be with me ♪

♪ Baby there's a price ♪

My dance troupe, Floorgasm,

is performing tonight in
the boooo-ty shake grand prix.

Gina, what the hell?

I defended you, and your urgent matter

was just practicing
for some stupid dance show?

Look, I can't help it
if my life is literally

a step up movie.

Oh, is it?

Then I suggest you think of this moment

as the montage where you buckle down

and take your job seriously so
your boss doesn't kill you.

Fine, then I suggest you figure out

how to turn on all these sprinklers

'cause I'm about to tell a story.

Okay, fingers wants us to meet
him in that alley over there.

What's the playbook, Jakey?

Well, he left me that note in
the bar to try and scare me.

But it only made me angry.

We go in hard and tough
and take what's rightfully ours.

- I want $300.
- Absolutely, no problem.

Whatever you need.

I happen to not have
any money on me though.

Charles, do you have any cash?

Um, I have $120, and my lucky $2 bill

that I found on
my first day of kindergarten.

Okay, so that's $122.

- And I want your shoes.
- What? Fine.

Here.
Take my shoes.

Can I please have the watch now?

You already have it.
You had it all along.

What?
What are you talking about?

I put it in the glove
compartment of your car.

Think I'm gonna walk around

with a stolen police captain's watch?

I'm not an idiot.

Great.
Well, I would say thank you,

but even for a criminal
your customer service

has been abysmal.

My pleasure.
Have a good night.

Let's get back to the precinct
and win this bet.

Jake!
Jake, your car!

No!
Ow, glass.

No!

Ugh, syringe.

Jake, you parked in front of a hydrant.

Stupid fire department.

We gotta think of a way
to catch up with that truck.

Oh!
How 'bout this?

- Yes.
- Hop in.

[Groans]

Go!

We're doing it, Boyle.

We're Tokyo drifting.

(Jake) Gah, I can't see
the tow truck anymore.

Charles, how come you're
so much slower than a car?

I'm just trying not
to jostle you too much.

You're the champagne of friends.

Look, there's a bar up ahead.

Maybe we can get a cab up there.

There's still time to get that watch.

All right.
[Groans]

Excuse me!

Excuse me.

Shoeless cop coming through.

[Bears growl]

Oh, God!
Charles!

Jake, where are you?

Come on!
Gah!

I was gonna wear this jacket

to my cousin's bat mitzvah next week.

Hey!
Take it easy!

Get off of me!

(Charles) Jake, party bus.
Toot! Toot!

Get on board.

Good idea, Boyle.
Ugh, get off.

Ahh!
He's got my hand!

Aghhh!

Move!

NYPD.

I won't stop the party,
but I do need the bus.

[Grumbles]

[Dance music]

♪ ♪

Let's dance, rawr.

All right.
What is happening here?

It's Halloween, man!
Lighten up, ha ha!

It's Halloween!

Halloween!

Well, gotta do something for 16 blocks.

Halloween!
Halloween!

(Jake) Halloween!

Hey, I've been looking for you.

We need to talk.

Can we not do this right now, Terry?

I'm in the midst of a personal tragedy.

Oh, my God.

Is everything okay with your family?

Family, what?
No, this is serious.

Floorgasm just came by and
danced me out of the group.

[Techno music]

♪ ♪

It's not fair.

I founded the group,
and now they wanna kick me out

just because I missed
eight rehearsals in a row?

I never thought I'd say this,
but Floorgasm has a point.

You're being super irresponsible.

You have a "baditude."

That's a bad attitude.

I love that.

Look, I didn't want you to know

because it's
so off-brand for me,

but I'm missing rehearsals

because I've been going
to college at night.

I'm trying to finish my
bachelor's degree or whatever.

Really?
That's great, Gina.

I'm so proud of you.

And while I generally nail everything,

I'm just having trouble
balancing my studies

and my passion for dance.

Plus, you're working full-time.

Yeah, that actually doesn't
factor into it whatsoever.

Anyway, it doesn't matter,

because I'm never gonna dance again.

The world just lost an angel.

You know what?

I'm gonna dance with you tonight.

I'm not gonna let
those losers punish you

for doing something good.

School is cool.

That's why it rhymes.

Terry, you are the best!

World, your angel has returned.

[Laughs]

Oh, God.

Thanks for the ride.

Tag me in those pics.

Ah, hi there.

I'm Jake Peralta, NYPD.

You guys towed my car,
and I really need it back.

Mm-hmm.

Got a badge?

Yeah, I sure do.

What?

D'oh, my badge!

Those demons on the party bus
must have stolen it.

If you got a license and credit card,

just pay to get it out.

Oh, great.
Thank you.

Finally, something goes right.

It's gone horribly wrong!

I don't have my I.D.
or my credit cards,

but I really need that car.

Please, I'm begging you.

Rules are rules.
I can't do nothing for you.

Don't shut it.

Don't shut the window.

You got it.

Just gonna give up on this
and head straight home

without trying anything else.

[Groans]

[Panting]

Oh, look at the view from up here.

I didn't know we lived near water.

[Chuckles]

Ouch.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

[Screams]

Perfect.

[Groans]

Ah.

I can still win this bet.

I can still win.

No!

No!

Noooo!

Freeze!
Don't move!

Oh, my God.

There is a tiny chance
I may not win this bet.

Talk now!

You seem upset.

Well, here's how the story goes.

Remember that little
Halloween bet that we made?

You probably don't even remember,

it was so early this morning.

Anywhoozle, it turns out
the criminal I hired

to lift your watch was not trustworthy,

and I ended up contracting
tuberculosis of the foot

and subsequently losing
your death watch.

But in the end, I like
to think this whole thing

is gonna bring us closer together.

And isn't that what
it's really all about?

Merry Christmas!

What are you saying?

My watch is right here.

No, I made a switch.
That's a fake.

No.

This one's a fake.

What?

No.

What?

No.

What?

No.

You were behind all this?

You played me.

Like Frans Bruggen plays the flute.

But how?

I've been planning this this theft
for three months.

I know, but I've been
planning it for a year.

Last Halloween, after you won the bet,

I went back to my office
to do everyone's paperwork,

but I did no paperwork.

I started to plot my revenge.

I began by creating a word cloud.

But how could you possibly have known

I was gonna try and steal your watch?

I knew you would try to take
something important to me.

During the year, I drew
your attention to my watch.

You're eight minutes late.

You're 14 minutes late.

You're three minutes early...
In Chicago.

You annoyed me into stealing it.

Exactly.

Now you had a target,
but you needed a plan.

Fortunately,
it walked through the door,

handcuffed to Diaz.

This scumbag pickpocket
is Dan McCreary.

He can take anything off of anyone.

Anything?

Anyone?

(Holt) The look on your face,
priceless.

I put McCreary
into my employ immediately.

Fast-forward to this morning.

You commenced your plan.

McCreary stole my watch,

and then replaced it with the replica.

And while you celebrated,

McCreary put my watch
back in my pocket.

The watch never left my person.

Dun-dun-duh!

I can see that you're enjoying this.

Not nearly as much
as I enjoyed phase two.

Phase two.

While you met with McCreary,

Santiago placed a fire
hydrant in front of your car,

which she then towed away.

Next, I had to take Charles
out of the equation.

He had a badge and a gun,

and he would do anything to help you.

Enter a parade of drunks
that separated the two of you

long enough for Terry
to kidnap Charles.

Then two bears
spilled their drinks on you

and stole your wallet.

Those bears?
Scully and Hitchcock.

I can't pull my head off!

If Terry kidnapped Charles,

how did Charles tell me
to get on the party bus?

Eight months ago at a morning briefing,

I told the squad
that a group of thieves

was targeting party busses,

so I could record Charles saying...

Jake, party bus!
Toot toot!

Get on board!

I knew Boyle would never
knowingly betray me.

With your jacket and shoes gone,
you didn't look like a cop,

but you still had your badge.

That is, until you entered
the party bus.

(Holt) Rosa's feline dancing
distracted you

as a mysterious partier
stole your badge on...

Halloween!

It was you in the mask!

(Jake) You sly son of a bitch!

Well done.

But I do have to ask, those
guys at the impound,

did they really smash my car?

No, in fact, I had them wash it.

[Chuckles] Good one, Captain.

You can't "wash a car."

So how'd you convince
the whole squad to betray me?

What'd you offer them?

I asked them if they wanted
to embarrass you,

and they instantly said yes.

I'm not gonna lie,
that turns me on a little bit.

Hmm.

So in addition to the five
weeks of free overtime,

I believe I'm owed one more thing.

Yes.
Here we go.

One second.

[Cheering]

Very well.

- Captain Raymond Holt...
- Mm-hmm.

You are an amazing
police Captain/genius.

[Cheering]

But be warned,

I started planning next year's
heist just this minute.

Good, then you're only
three months behind.

You sick son of a bitch.

[Dance music]

♪ ♪

[Cheers and applause]

Hey.
Don't look so sad.

Floorgasm is just a rudderless
dance ship without you.

I would have gone
with "flock of dum-dums."

I talked to the captain.

We're all gonna pitch in

and help you manage your time

so you can pursue dance and school.

And I'd like to volunteer
my time to tutor you for free.

Mm, a hard pass on that.

But I do wanna thank you guys

for being so understanding and nice.

Now get your game face on.

Sarge, it's time to dance!

If you forget your moves,
just rip your cape off

and throw me up in the air
like a pizza.

(Announcer) Put your hands together

for the dance duo,
Mr. and Mrs. Terry Jeffords.

I did not agree to that name!

[Salt-n-Pepa's Push it playing]

♪ Salt-n-Pepa's here ♪

♪ And we're in effect ♪

♪ Want you to push it, babe ♪

♪ Coolin' by day, then at night ♪

♪ Workin' up a sweat ♪

♪ Ah, push it ♪