Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Jake and Sophia - full transcript
Jake hits it off with a woman at a bar, but later finds out she is the attorney for a perp he is trying to put in jail. Meanwhile, Gina and Charles work to put their relationship behind them, and Amy is pressured into running for union rep.
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
9:01!
Amy Santiago is officially
late for the first time ever.
All right, let's do this.
Who's got theories?
Uh...
Alarm didn't go off.
All three alarms?
All with battery back-up?
Come on, who wants
to take this seriously?
Ooh!
She was taken in her sleep!
That's what I'm talking about!
Super dark, Boyle,
but way more plausible
than the sarge's idiotic
alarm clock theory.
I bet she tucked herself into
bed too tight and got stuck.
Mm, maybe she Fell
into another dimension
where she's interesting.
It's 9:00 A.M.
why is no one working?
Amy Santiago is a few minutes late,
and we're all trying to guess why.
I'd like to play.
I'd say she's in line at the bank.
- This is fun.
- (Jake) It is fun,
but you're all wrong.
She clearly slipped through
a subway grate
and is having terrible sex
with a mole man.
[Elevator dings]
(Jake) There she is.
Amy.
Where have you been?
We've been worried sick.
Do you care to explain yourself?
I'm just 70 seconds late.
It's not a big deal.
Don't worry about it.
Santiago, you will tell us,
and you will tell us now.
There was a problem at the bank.
Hot damn!
♪ ♪
So you nervous about
the trial tomorrow?
The jewelry store
break-in?
Diamond heist.
It's like you're going out of your way
to make it sound less cool.
I think the conviction's a slam dunk.
Good.
Not to over state it,
but I'm definitely gonna die
alone, and work is all I have.
I take it dating's not going well.
What?
No! It's awesome.
What happened with
Rosa's friend, Katie?
Yeah, she turned out to be
even more closed off than Rosa.
So how long have you known Rosa?
None of your business.
All right.
But it's not just her.
All the dates I've been on
lately have been lame.
Maybe it's you.
What are your moves?
What do you talk about?
Uh, my moves are fine, mom.
I dazzle them with
a bad-ass cop story.
Have you ever thought about going
with your
non-work interests?
On my first date with my wife,
all we did was talk about
our mutual love of meat loaf.
The singer not the food.
Oh, so the weirder of the two choices.
All right, fine.
I get what you're saying.
Your wife's awesome
and I should do everything
in my power to be with her physically.
I mean, no, not that.
Don't talk about being a cop.
Just talk about my own interests.
Exactly!
Hey, she's cute.
(Jake) And alone.
I'll try and find our meatloaf.
(Terry) Go get her, little man.
Hello there.
Hi!
(Rosa) Captain...
We need to talk
about the union rep elections.
Scully is running again, unopposed.
He is incompetent.
If there's one thing to take away
from the new contract,
it's that holiday pay
is "now capped."
Or "not capped."
In conclusion,
the word "capped" was said.
Whoo!
Nailed it.
The only reason Scully does the job
is because the annual
union meeting has a party sub.
He's been a rep for 12 years,
and he still pronounces
"union" as "onion."
As management, I'm not allowed
to talk about union matters.
Scully doesn't know
anything about our pensions
and he has no idea about the
new disciplinary guidelines.
What do you think, Captain?
What I think is, I will continue
to not talk about this issue.
Hey, you should run.
Going to meetings, writing stuff down.
You love that nerd stuff.
"Writing things down" is nerdy?
What do you do?
I just forget stuff like a cool person.
Come on, admit it,
you care about this crap.
Maybe.
But I want to be captain one day,
and union reps are always
fighting with the brass.
It's career suicide, right, sir?
Stop trying
to get me involved, Santiago.
No! I'm already fighting
with the brass.
Look at what you've done!
Oh man, these look spicy!
We may die tonight.
You know, I actually heard about a guy
- who died while eating hot wings.
- Really?
Yeah, he was terminally ill
beforehand though.
Unrelated.
I always thought I'd die
at the hands of my own clone.
Well, that's why you have
to brand the number two
into your clone's cheek.
You shouldn't have a clone
if you don't know that.
Yes.
All right, you ready?
I'm ready.
Here we go.
- That's nothing.
- Amateur night.
I can't believe this had three
peppers next to it on the menu...
- Oh, my God!
- Ah!
- Hot!
- Oh, so spicy!
Drink the ranch!
Drink the ranch!
Ah! Ah!
Here's the stuff you left at my place.
Your Sounds of Ibiza sleep cd,
seven phone chargers, and an empty jar
labeled "Fire Spirit."
No, it's not empty.
Well, here's your stuff.
So I guess it's officially over.
It was slightly less gross
than I expected.
Mm.
Way to be.
Uh, there is one last thing.
The luxury sex romp
we had planned this weekend.
The hotel says the
"bubbles and bathrobes" package
is non-refundable.
See, that's why I didn't want
to pre-pay, Charles.
Yeah, but that's why
we got such a good deal.
One hour of free Wi-Fi!
Don't worry, you can have your half
of the money back,
and I'll take the room.
Pause.
Okay, if one of us
is getting pampered all night,
it's gonna be me.
I want that room, Gina.
You can't push me around.
We're not poke pals anymore!
Ew!
Amy Santiago, surprised to
see you walking around.
Shouldn't you be
on your belly, you snake?
Yeah, you snake!
[Hisses]
What is happening?
You're running against me.
What?
Rosa must've done this.
I'll get her to stop.
You know what really burns my pants?
I considered you my best friend.
- What?
- What?
- Hi.
- Hey now.
You are looking very happy.
I am.
Guess what happened last night.
Spoiler alert:
Sexy-times.
Okay, now guess.
Sexy-times!
Yes! The whole night
was amazing.
We totally hit it off.
I found our meat loaf.
Wings.
The band or the show?
The food!
We went back to her place,
watched Die Hards one
through with a vengeance,
did some adult stuff,
and spent the rest of the night
debating who's the better
ping-pong player.
She was adorably wrong.
How do you know if you didn't play?
Oh, we played, which was difficult
since she didn't have
a table or paddles.
We had to use
an avocado pit as the ball.
It was very messy.
(Carl) Hey guys.
Ah, hello, district attorney Kurm.
I got lucky last night.
That's great.
Yeah.
So we have a little delay.
Gary, the defense attorney,
isn't gonna be here.
Oh, is he sore
from high-fiving criminals
he's gotten out of jail?
Did he get a murderer off
who then murdered him to celebrate?
Yup.
Anyway, Gary broke his leg,
so he's being replaced.
Replaced?
He should be put down.
Like a horse.
So who's the new sub-human
piece of human garbage?
Sophia Perez.
Oh, God.
Jake, this is bad!
You slept with a defense attorney.
You literally slept with the enemy.
I know.
Ah, it's like if John McClane
slept with Hans Gruber.
Or even worse, Jeremy Irons
from the third one.
We didn't talk about our jobs.
How was I supposed to know?
Wait, are you sure you want to do this?
Let's go over the events of tonight.
We got drunk together, I invited you
up to my apartment,
and I kissed you first.
No further questions.
Okay.
Uh-oh.
She's waving at you.
Hey. All right,
I'm gonna go talk to her.
Be strong.
Okay.
Hey.
Hey, so this is weird, huh?
Yeah. You never told me
you were a cop.
Yeah, and you never told me
you were a lawyer.
Well, I didn't wanna intimidate you.
Intimidate? Wow.
Okay, well, not to burst your bubble,
but I'm only intimidated by professions
that have a moral compass,
like police officer.
So you're intimidated by your own job?
"Oh, look at me.
I'm a lawyer.
I'm so good
at word-using-itude."
And yes, I know that
that wasn't a word, right.
Okay, you know what?
I can't even believe I have
to deal with you all week.
Not a problem.
This is clearly a conflict of interest.
So I'm just gonna talk to the judge
and have you kicked off the case.
Ha ha! No, there's no
conflict of interest.
Because I'm not interested in you.
Ah.
God, I can't believe
I slept with a cop.
It's like a had sex with Hans Gruber.
What...
I'm not the Gruber!
You're the Gruber!
Die Hard.
Captain, Rosa's trying
to make me run for union rep.
You have to stop her.
I cannot do that.
As I told you, I'm not allowed
to get involved.
It's too late anyway.
You already have a campaign slogan.
"Pick Amy, dummies."
I wrote that.
Tell her how good it is, Captain.
Again, I cannot.
Look, I love campaigning
and making signs.
Lord knows I have enough
poster board at home.
But Captain, please tell her
I shouldn't run for union rep.
I'm just gonna turn around in my chair.
So, Amy, you're saying
I should just return this...
Button maker?
You think you can tempt me
with a T150 button maker?
Sir, you've gotta see this.
It doesn't even make
mirror-backs.
This is a joke.
Still not participating.
I'm enjoying a magazine.
Joke's on you, Amy.
You and Scully
are giving campaign speeches
in the briefing room tomorrow.
What?
Sir, permission to arrest
Diaz for being a jerk.
Permission to shoot Santiago
for being a coward.
Stop it, both of you.
Now you've done it.
You've made me turn my chair.
I will not get involved,
and I will not have this office
transformed into a house
of snipes and jabs.
Dismissed.
Full disclosure, your honor.
Last night, Miss Perez and I
got inebriated,
and we had colitis.
Colitis?
Coitus.
Yeah, that.
A cop and a defense attorney
sleeping together.
That's highly unusual.
At the time, I did not know
she was a defense attorney.
I should have been able
to guess, however,
based on her ability
to lie all over me.
Ha ha... a cop's attempt
to be clever.
It's like watching a horse
try to eat with a fork.
Majestic and hilarious?
Take a cold shower, horn-dog,
we're at work.
But in all seriousness, your honor,
I do think she should
recuse herself from the trial.
Why? You think I might tell
everybody in the courtroom
that you like to be the little spoon?
Everyone likes to be the little spoon.
It makes you feel safe!
Carl, back me up on this.
- Yes, little spoon all the way.
- See?
Look, I'm not recusing myself.
I talked to my client, and he
is fine with me staying on.
If the defendant is okay with it,
and you two can be mature
in the courtroom,
then I see no reason
why we can't proceed.
Great.
I can be mature.
Says the guy who uses
a sunglasses case as a wallet.
Stuff can be two things.
Open up your refrigerator, boom!
Air conditioner.
Life hacked.
Carl, back me up.
I mean, it's not very green.
Oh, Carl.
Guys!
Guys, guys, guys, guys!
My pizza reviews caught the eye
of a Mr. Matt Pittle
of Pittle's Vittles,
my favorite food blog!
Wow, a local food blog.
It's all happening.
Pittle wants to have a five-hour
dinner with me tonight.
Attention, skeezy nobodies!
Tina Knowles,
Beyonce's mom-ager,
has contacted me and wants
to audition me tonight.
I've transcended you now.
Sounds like both of you
have pretty great plans tonight.
No! You wrote the email
from Pittle
so I'd drop my claim to the room.
That blog is sacred.
You defiled the most sacred
and most high
miss... Tina Kno-w-les!
How dare you, Charles?
How'd you get your voice so high?
[Shrilly]
I can take it higher.
I wish you wouldn't.
The room is mine, you scab.
No, it's mine, Gina.
I'm not backing down this time.
I'm backing up.
Beep, beep, beep.
[Coughs]
You nervous?
Nope.
I have an unimpeachable
eyewitness who saw everything.
Plus, I've got
a little something planned
for our lawyer friend.
Every time she looks over,
I'm gonna hit her with one of these.
It'll remind her that we kissed,
and that's how I get in her head.
I like it.
You want me to flex
and make all the buttons
pop off of my shirt?
Yes!
You can do that?
The challenge is keeping
the buttons on.
Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay.
And you're sure this is the man
you saw leaving the store at
the time of the diamond heist?
Nice. "Diamond heist,"
catching on.
Uh, yeah.
That's the guy.
Now, Mr. Wells,
it says here
you have a 2006 conviction
for perjury, is that correct?
Uh... yeah.
It's okay.
I knew about that.
And is Sidney Wells actually your name,
or is it Brian Davidson?
Uh-oh.
Did not know about that one.
As in the Brian Davidson
who is facing fraud charges
- in New Jersey?
- Yeah.
Or that. Oh, God... okay,
time to bust out the big guns.
(Jake) This is bad.
Only the judge saw me.
(Sophia) No further questions,
your honor.
Ugh, winking?
Real mature.
(Carl) Judge gave us a recess,
but if we don't get
new evidence by tomorrow,
we have no chance.
Great pep talk, Carl.
Don't worry, we'll get some evidence.
Excuse me one second.
Hey, that wasn't cool.
No. What wasn't cool was you
trying to air make-out
with the judge.
Those kisses were meant for you!
Not in a romantic way,
they were psych-out kisses.
Look, you know your client did it.
It doesn't matter
if my client did it or not.
That's what I've been saying.
[Whispers] It doesn't matter.
All right, Scott, beat it.
Scott.
Look, my job is to make you
prove he did it.
It's the basis
of our entire justice system.
What, you think John Adams
was just some idiot?
No, I think John Adams
was a mini-series
I didn't watch because
it looked like a book.
Look, without a credible
witness, your case is a mess.
Kinda like your ping-pong
serve.
Oh, my God.
She smells so good.
That avocado pit was not regulation.
Wish that had sounded cooler.
Come on, Terry, let's go save the day.
Carl, you wanna come?
- No, thank you.
- All right.
All right, listen up.
We need more evidences
on this guy and we need it quick,
so no time for chit-chat.
What's going on?
You love chit-chat.
Yeah, also, your posture
seems off, like, it's good.
Because I'm being serious
because I don't want this perp to walk.
This isn't about the perp.
It's about this woman.
Jake slept with her.
Oh, she's so pretty.
She looks like the woman
on an olive oil bottle.
Way to go, Jake.
She's a defense attorney.
- Oh, my God, are you kidding?
- Boo!
Hey, guys, let's take it easy on him.
Thank you, Terry.
But seriously, I think you need
to get checked for rabies.
Hey, I have a good rabies guy,
if you need one.
Uh-huh. All right, listen.
Can we focus up?
Our witness is useless,
so we either need to recover
the stolen gems or find
the break-in tool.
What year was
the perp's house built in?
Some of those old brownstones
had dumbwaiters.
A perfect hiding spot.
Good thinking, Amy.
All right, I'm gonna win this case
and then we can put
my horrible sexual experience
- behind us forever.
- (Charles) I don't know Jake.
I'm afraid I'm gonna think
about it every time
I look at your crotch.
Then stop looking at my crotch!
What are you doing?
Just pointing people
to the one Detective
who actually wants to run
for union rep.
Welcome to my nightmares,
Amy-Scully minotaur.
Pretty clever signing me up
for the speech this afternoon.
But guess what?
Mine is epically bad and way too long.
There's a section where
I just pick people out
of the crowd and insult them.
It gets really personal.
Did you know that Hitchcock
is technically "a bastard"?
Santiago, can I talk
to you in my office?
Mm-hmm.
Blinds closed?
Are we having a pow-wow?
As you know, I shouldn't
be talking about this election
with any of my detectives,
but I will with you.
Of course.
Because you trust me.
Because you're royally screwing up.
Oh, no, this isn't
a pow-wow.
It's a haranguing.
You bet it is.
Stop trying to tank this election.
You know damned well
you'd make a great union rep.
But, sir, I want to be captain one day,
and clashing with the brass
is career suicide.
Not for me.
By my very nature, I was constantly
in conflict with my superiors.
Listen, you're black and gay,
so I think you should just take
all the black, gay cases.
You know, the weird stuff.
I strongly disagree.
But I still managed
to rise through the ranks.
Run for union rep, Amy.
Okay. I'll do it.
But never tell anyone about this...
Pow-wow.
You called it a pow-wow!
So, Detective Peralta,
you found some "new"
evidence last night.
Correction: I found some damning
new evidence last night.
It was hidden in an old dumbwaiter
in the defendant's house.
All his burglary tools,
including a glass cutter
he used to break into the store.
(Sophia) Yes, but isn't it possible
my client could've used
the glass cutter for something
other than a robbery?
I mean, after all,
stuff can do two things, right?
Hey! I say that!
That's my saying!
Your honor, she stole my saying.
People don't own sayings.
Please answer the question, Detective.
Fine. In the same bag
as the burglary tools,
we also found shards of glass.
And you expect us to believe
that you found
this new evidence yesterday
just as your case was
collapsing around you?
(Jake) I certainly hope so,
because it's the truth.
In fact, I believe it was
the great John Adams
who once said, "to believe
all men honest is folly.
To believe none...
Is something worse."
Let the record show
Miss Perez looks stunned
and defeated.
No further questions.
- You're not allowed to say that.
- Yup.
Hey, Captain, I have a juicy
little Boyle nugget
I'd like to drop on you.
Okay, please drop a nugget.
I think that the squad could
really increase its efficiency
if Gina spent the night
re-logging all our files
with keywords.
The lady doth have the skills.
Funny, she was just telling me
how you should work all night.
Say what?
Gina.
Yes?
You've both made compelling points
about the amount of work
that needs to be done
around here, so you'll both
be pulling overnight shifts.
Before you complain, I am
once again turning in my chair.
Oh, sweet chair turn.
That's a real power move.
So good.
We, the jury, find the defendant...
- Not guilty.
- Oh, come on!
Ow!
Oh, I'm in too much pain
to care how cool and strong
that made me look.
It was already splintering.
Don't take this away from me.
Wow, well done.
Another criminal walks free.
I hope you're proud of yourself.
Maybe stop calling
my client a criminal,
since he was found not guilty.
Well, I find myself not guilty
of never seeing you again.
So you will see me again?
No!
Why, what did I say?
You know what?
You're the worst!
(Terry) Jake, what are you doing, man?
Walking angrily away towards a door
that I now see says
"emergency exit only" on it,
so I'm turning around,
but I'm still ticked!
Look, man.
Don't screw this up.
I hate defense attorneys
as much as any rational adult,
but you obviously have
feelings for Sophia.
Yeah, anger.
I don't know.
It just seems to me
like you met your match.
You said yourself how boring
your dates have been.
But you have to admit,
Sophia wouldn't be boring.
I will admit she's not boring.
And we do have fun together.
I guess you could say
she's passably attractive.
All right, fine.
She's super hot.
God, I can't believe I'm about
to ask out a defense attorney.
And we all know that Amy Santiago
wants to be captain one day,
which means she will never
stand up to management.
I don't want to be captain.
I just want my sub.
Please just give me back my sub.
Vote Scully.
[Applause]
(Amy) I'm gonna make this quick.
Scully said that I want
to be captain, and I do.
But that won't stop me
from standing up for you.
He also said if you voted for
him, you'd get a golden boat.
That's not real.
If I get elected, I'll go to all
the union meetings,
actually pay attention,
and most importantly, I'll bring
back party sub leftovers.
Thank you, Scully.
"Pick Amy, dummies."
[Applause]
Hello.
Hey.
How'd you find me?
I'm a Detective, remember?
I also went into a bunch
of wrong offices first.
Stole hella peppermints.
So what's up?
You here to yell at me again
for doing my job?
No, I'm here to ask you out.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
There's a bar in the west village
that has a bunch
of ping-pong tables,
so I thought we could head over there
and have a drink, talk,
and then, with any luck,
things will get uncomfortably
competitive.
That sounds fun.
Look, if we're going to do this,
we're gonna have
to have a couple of rules.
Rule number one, starting right now:
No work talk.
Perfect, we can just skip
straight to making out
on your desk.
Yeah, that's not my desk.
This is.
Copy that.
Blame it on the janitor
and make a break for it?
- Absolutely.
- After you.
Charles, I'm sorry that neither
of us have the room.
Yes. I, too, am disappointed
by this unfortunate stalemate.
Why are you talking all victorian?
You're lying about something.
That's what that means.
Nonsense, m'lady.
Okay, fine... I might not be
in that hotel room right now,
but my gene pool is.
Ew.
What'd you do in there?
I gave the hotel room to my father
and told him to check in under my name.
What? No!
I gave my key to my mom!
Hey.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I must have the wrong room.
That's okay.
Hey, wait a second,
do we know each other?
Is your daughter Gina?
Yes! And you're that
little man's father, Boyle.
Yeah.
We met at the family food drive.
I'm Darlene Linetti.
Lynn Boyle,
pleased to re-meet you.
So what do you think's going on here?
Mix up or something?
I don't know.
Regina's been encouraging me
to have some...
Romantic adventures.
Holy cow.
Wait for it...
9:01!
Amy Santiago is officially
late for the first time ever.
All right, let's do this.
Who's got theories?
Uh...
Alarm didn't go off.
All three alarms?
All with battery back-up?
Come on, who wants
to take this seriously?
Ooh!
She was taken in her sleep!
That's what I'm talking about!
Super dark, Boyle,
but way more plausible
than the sarge's idiotic
alarm clock theory.
I bet she tucked herself into
bed too tight and got stuck.
Mm, maybe she Fell
into another dimension
where she's interesting.
It's 9:00 A.M.
why is no one working?
Amy Santiago is a few minutes late,
and we're all trying to guess why.
I'd like to play.
I'd say she's in line at the bank.
- This is fun.
- (Jake) It is fun,
but you're all wrong.
She clearly slipped through
a subway grate
and is having terrible sex
with a mole man.
[Elevator dings]
(Jake) There she is.
Amy.
Where have you been?
We've been worried sick.
Do you care to explain yourself?
I'm just 70 seconds late.
It's not a big deal.
Don't worry about it.
Santiago, you will tell us,
and you will tell us now.
There was a problem at the bank.
Hot damn!
♪ ♪
So you nervous about
the trial tomorrow?
The jewelry store
break-in?
Diamond heist.
It's like you're going out of your way
to make it sound less cool.
I think the conviction's a slam dunk.
Good.
Not to over state it,
but I'm definitely gonna die
alone, and work is all I have.
I take it dating's not going well.
What?
No! It's awesome.
What happened with
Rosa's friend, Katie?
Yeah, she turned out to be
even more closed off than Rosa.
So how long have you known Rosa?
None of your business.
All right.
But it's not just her.
All the dates I've been on
lately have been lame.
Maybe it's you.
What are your moves?
What do you talk about?
Uh, my moves are fine, mom.
I dazzle them with
a bad-ass cop story.
Have you ever thought about going
with your
non-work interests?
On my first date with my wife,
all we did was talk about
our mutual love of meat loaf.
The singer not the food.
Oh, so the weirder of the two choices.
All right, fine.
I get what you're saying.
Your wife's awesome
and I should do everything
in my power to be with her physically.
I mean, no, not that.
Don't talk about being a cop.
Just talk about my own interests.
Exactly!
Hey, she's cute.
(Jake) And alone.
I'll try and find our meatloaf.
(Terry) Go get her, little man.
Hello there.
Hi!
(Rosa) Captain...
We need to talk
about the union rep elections.
Scully is running again, unopposed.
He is incompetent.
If there's one thing to take away
from the new contract,
it's that holiday pay
is "now capped."
Or "not capped."
In conclusion,
the word "capped" was said.
Whoo!
Nailed it.
The only reason Scully does the job
is because the annual
union meeting has a party sub.
He's been a rep for 12 years,
and he still pronounces
"union" as "onion."
As management, I'm not allowed
to talk about union matters.
Scully doesn't know
anything about our pensions
and he has no idea about the
new disciplinary guidelines.
What do you think, Captain?
What I think is, I will continue
to not talk about this issue.
Hey, you should run.
Going to meetings, writing stuff down.
You love that nerd stuff.
"Writing things down" is nerdy?
What do you do?
I just forget stuff like a cool person.
Come on, admit it,
you care about this crap.
Maybe.
But I want to be captain one day,
and union reps are always
fighting with the brass.
It's career suicide, right, sir?
Stop trying
to get me involved, Santiago.
No! I'm already fighting
with the brass.
Look at what you've done!
Oh man, these look spicy!
We may die tonight.
You know, I actually heard about a guy
- who died while eating hot wings.
- Really?
Yeah, he was terminally ill
beforehand though.
Unrelated.
I always thought I'd die
at the hands of my own clone.
Well, that's why you have
to brand the number two
into your clone's cheek.
You shouldn't have a clone
if you don't know that.
Yes.
All right, you ready?
I'm ready.
Here we go.
- That's nothing.
- Amateur night.
I can't believe this had three
peppers next to it on the menu...
- Oh, my God!
- Ah!
- Hot!
- Oh, so spicy!
Drink the ranch!
Drink the ranch!
Ah! Ah!
Here's the stuff you left at my place.
Your Sounds of Ibiza sleep cd,
seven phone chargers, and an empty jar
labeled "Fire Spirit."
No, it's not empty.
Well, here's your stuff.
So I guess it's officially over.
It was slightly less gross
than I expected.
Mm.
Way to be.
Uh, there is one last thing.
The luxury sex romp
we had planned this weekend.
The hotel says the
"bubbles and bathrobes" package
is non-refundable.
See, that's why I didn't want
to pre-pay, Charles.
Yeah, but that's why
we got such a good deal.
One hour of free Wi-Fi!
Don't worry, you can have your half
of the money back,
and I'll take the room.
Pause.
Okay, if one of us
is getting pampered all night,
it's gonna be me.
I want that room, Gina.
You can't push me around.
We're not poke pals anymore!
Ew!
Amy Santiago, surprised to
see you walking around.
Shouldn't you be
on your belly, you snake?
Yeah, you snake!
[Hisses]
What is happening?
You're running against me.
What?
Rosa must've done this.
I'll get her to stop.
You know what really burns my pants?
I considered you my best friend.
- What?
- What?
- Hi.
- Hey now.
You are looking very happy.
I am.
Guess what happened last night.
Spoiler alert:
Sexy-times.
Okay, now guess.
Sexy-times!
Yes! The whole night
was amazing.
We totally hit it off.
I found our meat loaf.
Wings.
The band or the show?
The food!
We went back to her place,
watched Die Hards one
through with a vengeance,
did some adult stuff,
and spent the rest of the night
debating who's the better
ping-pong player.
She was adorably wrong.
How do you know if you didn't play?
Oh, we played, which was difficult
since she didn't have
a table or paddles.
We had to use
an avocado pit as the ball.
It was very messy.
(Carl) Hey guys.
Ah, hello, district attorney Kurm.
I got lucky last night.
That's great.
Yeah.
So we have a little delay.
Gary, the defense attorney,
isn't gonna be here.
Oh, is he sore
from high-fiving criminals
he's gotten out of jail?
Did he get a murderer off
who then murdered him to celebrate?
Yup.
Anyway, Gary broke his leg,
so he's being replaced.
Replaced?
He should be put down.
Like a horse.
So who's the new sub-human
piece of human garbage?
Sophia Perez.
Oh, God.
Jake, this is bad!
You slept with a defense attorney.
You literally slept with the enemy.
I know.
Ah, it's like if John McClane
slept with Hans Gruber.
Or even worse, Jeremy Irons
from the third one.
We didn't talk about our jobs.
How was I supposed to know?
Wait, are you sure you want to do this?
Let's go over the events of tonight.
We got drunk together, I invited you
up to my apartment,
and I kissed you first.
No further questions.
Okay.
Uh-oh.
She's waving at you.
Hey. All right,
I'm gonna go talk to her.
Be strong.
Okay.
Hey.
Hey, so this is weird, huh?
Yeah. You never told me
you were a cop.
Yeah, and you never told me
you were a lawyer.
Well, I didn't wanna intimidate you.
Intimidate? Wow.
Okay, well, not to burst your bubble,
but I'm only intimidated by professions
that have a moral compass,
like police officer.
So you're intimidated by your own job?
"Oh, look at me.
I'm a lawyer.
I'm so good
at word-using-itude."
And yes, I know that
that wasn't a word, right.
Okay, you know what?
I can't even believe I have
to deal with you all week.
Not a problem.
This is clearly a conflict of interest.
So I'm just gonna talk to the judge
and have you kicked off the case.
Ha ha! No, there's no
conflict of interest.
Because I'm not interested in you.
Ah.
God, I can't believe
I slept with a cop.
It's like a had sex with Hans Gruber.
What...
I'm not the Gruber!
You're the Gruber!
Die Hard.
Captain, Rosa's trying
to make me run for union rep.
You have to stop her.
I cannot do that.
As I told you, I'm not allowed
to get involved.
It's too late anyway.
You already have a campaign slogan.
"Pick Amy, dummies."
I wrote that.
Tell her how good it is, Captain.
Again, I cannot.
Look, I love campaigning
and making signs.
Lord knows I have enough
poster board at home.
But Captain, please tell her
I shouldn't run for union rep.
I'm just gonna turn around in my chair.
So, Amy, you're saying
I should just return this...
Button maker?
You think you can tempt me
with a T150 button maker?
Sir, you've gotta see this.
It doesn't even make
mirror-backs.
This is a joke.
Still not participating.
I'm enjoying a magazine.
Joke's on you, Amy.
You and Scully
are giving campaign speeches
in the briefing room tomorrow.
What?
Sir, permission to arrest
Diaz for being a jerk.
Permission to shoot Santiago
for being a coward.
Stop it, both of you.
Now you've done it.
You've made me turn my chair.
I will not get involved,
and I will not have this office
transformed into a house
of snipes and jabs.
Dismissed.
Full disclosure, your honor.
Last night, Miss Perez and I
got inebriated,
and we had colitis.
Colitis?
Coitus.
Yeah, that.
A cop and a defense attorney
sleeping together.
That's highly unusual.
At the time, I did not know
she was a defense attorney.
I should have been able
to guess, however,
based on her ability
to lie all over me.
Ha ha... a cop's attempt
to be clever.
It's like watching a horse
try to eat with a fork.
Majestic and hilarious?
Take a cold shower, horn-dog,
we're at work.
But in all seriousness, your honor,
I do think she should
recuse herself from the trial.
Why? You think I might tell
everybody in the courtroom
that you like to be the little spoon?
Everyone likes to be the little spoon.
It makes you feel safe!
Carl, back me up on this.
- Yes, little spoon all the way.
- See?
Look, I'm not recusing myself.
I talked to my client, and he
is fine with me staying on.
If the defendant is okay with it,
and you two can be mature
in the courtroom,
then I see no reason
why we can't proceed.
Great.
I can be mature.
Says the guy who uses
a sunglasses case as a wallet.
Stuff can be two things.
Open up your refrigerator, boom!
Air conditioner.
Life hacked.
Carl, back me up.
I mean, it's not very green.
Oh, Carl.
Guys!
Guys, guys, guys, guys!
My pizza reviews caught the eye
of a Mr. Matt Pittle
of Pittle's Vittles,
my favorite food blog!
Wow, a local food blog.
It's all happening.
Pittle wants to have a five-hour
dinner with me tonight.
Attention, skeezy nobodies!
Tina Knowles,
Beyonce's mom-ager,
has contacted me and wants
to audition me tonight.
I've transcended you now.
Sounds like both of you
have pretty great plans tonight.
No! You wrote the email
from Pittle
so I'd drop my claim to the room.
That blog is sacred.
You defiled the most sacred
and most high
miss... Tina Kno-w-les!
How dare you, Charles?
How'd you get your voice so high?
[Shrilly]
I can take it higher.
I wish you wouldn't.
The room is mine, you scab.
No, it's mine, Gina.
I'm not backing down this time.
I'm backing up.
Beep, beep, beep.
[Coughs]
You nervous?
Nope.
I have an unimpeachable
eyewitness who saw everything.
Plus, I've got
a little something planned
for our lawyer friend.
Every time she looks over,
I'm gonna hit her with one of these.
It'll remind her that we kissed,
and that's how I get in her head.
I like it.
You want me to flex
and make all the buttons
pop off of my shirt?
Yes!
You can do that?
The challenge is keeping
the buttons on.
Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay.
And you're sure this is the man
you saw leaving the store at
the time of the diamond heist?
Nice. "Diamond heist,"
catching on.
Uh, yeah.
That's the guy.
Now, Mr. Wells,
it says here
you have a 2006 conviction
for perjury, is that correct?
Uh... yeah.
It's okay.
I knew about that.
And is Sidney Wells actually your name,
or is it Brian Davidson?
Uh-oh.
Did not know about that one.
As in the Brian Davidson
who is facing fraud charges
- in New Jersey?
- Yeah.
Or that. Oh, God... okay,
time to bust out the big guns.
(Jake) This is bad.
Only the judge saw me.
(Sophia) No further questions,
your honor.
Ugh, winking?
Real mature.
(Carl) Judge gave us a recess,
but if we don't get
new evidence by tomorrow,
we have no chance.
Great pep talk, Carl.
Don't worry, we'll get some evidence.
Excuse me one second.
Hey, that wasn't cool.
No. What wasn't cool was you
trying to air make-out
with the judge.
Those kisses were meant for you!
Not in a romantic way,
they were psych-out kisses.
Look, you know your client did it.
It doesn't matter
if my client did it or not.
That's what I've been saying.
[Whispers] It doesn't matter.
All right, Scott, beat it.
Scott.
Look, my job is to make you
prove he did it.
It's the basis
of our entire justice system.
What, you think John Adams
was just some idiot?
No, I think John Adams
was a mini-series
I didn't watch because
it looked like a book.
Look, without a credible
witness, your case is a mess.
Kinda like your ping-pong
serve.
Oh, my God.
She smells so good.
That avocado pit was not regulation.
Wish that had sounded cooler.
Come on, Terry, let's go save the day.
Carl, you wanna come?
- No, thank you.
- All right.
All right, listen up.
We need more evidences
on this guy and we need it quick,
so no time for chit-chat.
What's going on?
You love chit-chat.
Yeah, also, your posture
seems off, like, it's good.
Because I'm being serious
because I don't want this perp to walk.
This isn't about the perp.
It's about this woman.
Jake slept with her.
Oh, she's so pretty.
She looks like the woman
on an olive oil bottle.
Way to go, Jake.
She's a defense attorney.
- Oh, my God, are you kidding?
- Boo!
Hey, guys, let's take it easy on him.
Thank you, Terry.
But seriously, I think you need
to get checked for rabies.
Hey, I have a good rabies guy,
if you need one.
Uh-huh. All right, listen.
Can we focus up?
Our witness is useless,
so we either need to recover
the stolen gems or find
the break-in tool.
What year was
the perp's house built in?
Some of those old brownstones
had dumbwaiters.
A perfect hiding spot.
Good thinking, Amy.
All right, I'm gonna win this case
and then we can put
my horrible sexual experience
- behind us forever.
- (Charles) I don't know Jake.
I'm afraid I'm gonna think
about it every time
I look at your crotch.
Then stop looking at my crotch!
What are you doing?
Just pointing people
to the one Detective
who actually wants to run
for union rep.
Welcome to my nightmares,
Amy-Scully minotaur.
Pretty clever signing me up
for the speech this afternoon.
But guess what?
Mine is epically bad and way too long.
There's a section where
I just pick people out
of the crowd and insult them.
It gets really personal.
Did you know that Hitchcock
is technically "a bastard"?
Santiago, can I talk
to you in my office?
Mm-hmm.
Blinds closed?
Are we having a pow-wow?
As you know, I shouldn't
be talking about this election
with any of my detectives,
but I will with you.
Of course.
Because you trust me.
Because you're royally screwing up.
Oh, no, this isn't
a pow-wow.
It's a haranguing.
You bet it is.
Stop trying to tank this election.
You know damned well
you'd make a great union rep.
But, sir, I want to be captain one day,
and clashing with the brass
is career suicide.
Not for me.
By my very nature, I was constantly
in conflict with my superiors.
Listen, you're black and gay,
so I think you should just take
all the black, gay cases.
You know, the weird stuff.
I strongly disagree.
But I still managed
to rise through the ranks.
Run for union rep, Amy.
Okay. I'll do it.
But never tell anyone about this...
Pow-wow.
You called it a pow-wow!
So, Detective Peralta,
you found some "new"
evidence last night.
Correction: I found some damning
new evidence last night.
It was hidden in an old dumbwaiter
in the defendant's house.
All his burglary tools,
including a glass cutter
he used to break into the store.
(Sophia) Yes, but isn't it possible
my client could've used
the glass cutter for something
other than a robbery?
I mean, after all,
stuff can do two things, right?
Hey! I say that!
That's my saying!
Your honor, she stole my saying.
People don't own sayings.
Please answer the question, Detective.
Fine. In the same bag
as the burglary tools,
we also found shards of glass.
And you expect us to believe
that you found
this new evidence yesterday
just as your case was
collapsing around you?
(Jake) I certainly hope so,
because it's the truth.
In fact, I believe it was
the great John Adams
who once said, "to believe
all men honest is folly.
To believe none...
Is something worse."
Let the record show
Miss Perez looks stunned
and defeated.
No further questions.
- You're not allowed to say that.
- Yup.
Hey, Captain, I have a juicy
little Boyle nugget
I'd like to drop on you.
Okay, please drop a nugget.
I think that the squad could
really increase its efficiency
if Gina spent the night
re-logging all our files
with keywords.
The lady doth have the skills.
Funny, she was just telling me
how you should work all night.
Say what?
Gina.
Yes?
You've both made compelling points
about the amount of work
that needs to be done
around here, so you'll both
be pulling overnight shifts.
Before you complain, I am
once again turning in my chair.
Oh, sweet chair turn.
That's a real power move.
So good.
We, the jury, find the defendant...
- Not guilty.
- Oh, come on!
Ow!
Oh, I'm in too much pain
to care how cool and strong
that made me look.
It was already splintering.
Don't take this away from me.
Wow, well done.
Another criminal walks free.
I hope you're proud of yourself.
Maybe stop calling
my client a criminal,
since he was found not guilty.
Well, I find myself not guilty
of never seeing you again.
So you will see me again?
No!
Why, what did I say?
You know what?
You're the worst!
(Terry) Jake, what are you doing, man?
Walking angrily away towards a door
that I now see says
"emergency exit only" on it,
so I'm turning around,
but I'm still ticked!
Look, man.
Don't screw this up.
I hate defense attorneys
as much as any rational adult,
but you obviously have
feelings for Sophia.
Yeah, anger.
I don't know.
It just seems to me
like you met your match.
You said yourself how boring
your dates have been.
But you have to admit,
Sophia wouldn't be boring.
I will admit she's not boring.
And we do have fun together.
I guess you could say
she's passably attractive.
All right, fine.
She's super hot.
God, I can't believe I'm about
to ask out a defense attorney.
And we all know that Amy Santiago
wants to be captain one day,
which means she will never
stand up to management.
I don't want to be captain.
I just want my sub.
Please just give me back my sub.
Vote Scully.
[Applause]
(Amy) I'm gonna make this quick.
Scully said that I want
to be captain, and I do.
But that won't stop me
from standing up for you.
He also said if you voted for
him, you'd get a golden boat.
That's not real.
If I get elected, I'll go to all
the union meetings,
actually pay attention,
and most importantly, I'll bring
back party sub leftovers.
Thank you, Scully.
"Pick Amy, dummies."
[Applause]
Hello.
Hey.
How'd you find me?
I'm a Detective, remember?
I also went into a bunch
of wrong offices first.
Stole hella peppermints.
So what's up?
You here to yell at me again
for doing my job?
No, I'm here to ask you out.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
There's a bar in the west village
that has a bunch
of ping-pong tables,
so I thought we could head over there
and have a drink, talk,
and then, with any luck,
things will get uncomfortably
competitive.
That sounds fun.
Look, if we're going to do this,
we're gonna have
to have a couple of rules.
Rule number one, starting right now:
No work talk.
Perfect, we can just skip
straight to making out
on your desk.
Yeah, that's not my desk.
This is.
Copy that.
Blame it on the janitor
and make a break for it?
- Absolutely.
- After you.
Charles, I'm sorry that neither
of us have the room.
Yes. I, too, am disappointed
by this unfortunate stalemate.
Why are you talking all victorian?
You're lying about something.
That's what that means.
Nonsense, m'lady.
Okay, fine... I might not be
in that hotel room right now,
but my gene pool is.
Ew.
What'd you do in there?
I gave the hotel room to my father
and told him to check in under my name.
What? No!
I gave my key to my mom!
Hey.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I must have the wrong room.
That's okay.
Hey, wait a second,
do we know each other?
Is your daughter Gina?
Yes! And you're that
little man's father, Boyle.
Yeah.
We met at the family food drive.
I'm Darlene Linetti.
Lynn Boyle,
pleased to re-meet you.
So what do you think's going on here?
Mix up or something?
I don't know.
Regina's been encouraging me
to have some...
Romantic adventures.
Holy cow.