Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - Pontiac Bandit - full transcript

He's here. Boyle's here.

This is so fun!

I wish you guys
got shot more often.

Buh-buh-buh-back
in the nine-nine.

[cheers and applause]

Welcome back, detective.

Wow, is this all for me?

(jake)
of course it is.

Oh, none of my pants
fit over my butt cast.

Lucky for me my mom
lent me her leg warmers.

That is lucky.



Pretty sweet scooter.

Yeah, I know.
Check out these doughnuts.

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, that went terribly.
Can I help you with something?

Nope, nope.
Everything's under control.

I picked up a couple
reacher grabbers.

So I'm able to do
everything that I used to do.

So now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go make myself
a morning cup of coffee

Like I do every day.

Okay, okay.

Just gotta...
No problem.

[mug shatters]

Oh...
The heart is the hardest part.



[people oh]

Let me get that
for you, boyle.

No need. No need at all.

That's sweet, rosa.
Here we go.

(terry)
ah...

Hey, charles, just take
my coffee. It's fresh.

Okay, I guess.
I mean, if you don't mind.

All right, you got it?
Ah...
[chuckles]

No problem.

Why wouldn't you
just use your other hand?

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Hot coffee in my cast!

Ah!
[gasps]

Ah...
[sighs]

Cold milk.

Cold milk.

[people groan]
(gina)
all right.

[upbeat music]

♪

Hey.

Just picked him up on a dozen
counts of identity theft.

His name is doug judy.

You ever seen him before?
No.

[rolling rs]
♪ rosa

♪ rosa, rosa

♪ oh, yeah

♪ beautiful rosa

I think he's into me.

What do you do
to these perps?

Fear is a powerful
aphrodisiac.

Anyway, he said he wants
to speak to "john

Or jack peralta
or whatever."

And should I change my name
to jack peralta?

That sounds badass.

[dramatic voice]
jack peralta, crocodile hunter.

Yeah.

He has some information about
some dude who steals pontiacs.

Pontiacs? He knows about
the pontiac bandit.

Listen to me,
he specifically said

He knows a guy
who steals pontiacs?

Yeah, I just said that.
Chill, man.

Okay.

Okay, sorry.

M'kay. [laughs]

(doug)
hey, diaz.

Come here
and talk to me.

This dude is super horny.

Yeah.

Ah. Whoa.

[scooter beeping]

[beeping]

Backing up, guys.

(scooter's computer voice)
please get out of my way.
I am physically disabled.

One of these buttons...
[horn honking]

Sorry, sorry.

Oh, you don't have to apologize
for anything, boyle.

You were shot
in the line of duty,

Defending a fellow
officer.

You know, the doctor said
that if the bullet

Was two millimeters
to the left

And a foot higher, I might
never have walked again.

Everyone here appreciates
your heroism, boyle.

We all want your
first day back

To be as pleasant and
as comfortable as possible.

Right, detectives?

Hey, boyle. You want to choose
where we order lunch from today?

Really? You're lifting
the lifetime ban?

I thought my
lunch choices were

"horrifying
adventures in diarrhea."

Today, charles, we take
that adventure with you.

(charles)
all right!

I've been craving
sudanese all day.

I'll print out some menus.

[thump]
ouch.

You ran over my foot.

I am in incredible pain.

I used to work
at a chop shop.

It was chill.
Decent hours, good benefits.

You could work
while you were high.

Which I never did,
'cause that's irresponsible.

Anyway, we did a lot
of work for this dude

Who stole pontiacs.

The pontiac bandit!

Okay. We called him bill,
but whatever.

No, not whatever. The pontiac
bandit is my nemesis.

I've been chasing
this guy for eight years.

He's stolen hundreds of cars,
all of them pontiacs.

He's never left
any evidence,

And he's never
been caught on camera.

The guy is a ghost.

Super ghost.

He's a super ghost!

Before we go any further,

We need to know
if you're for real.

Describe the guy.

(doug)
asian dude.

Maybe 5'8",
spiky black hair.

Rocks in both ears.
Always wears a black suit.

And speaks with
a british accent.

Like my girl dame judi dench.
I have impeccable taste.

So would you say
he looks sort of like...

This?

That's bill.

This is a composite sketch
from ten interviews I've done.

So all you know is what
a bunch of other mopes

Have said over the years.

Anything else?

Yeah. I know how to get
in touch with him.

Doug judy!

You wanted to see me,
captain?

My husband's dog cheddar had
relations with our neighbor dog

Karate and produced
these two smaller dogs.

He insisted that I find them a
good home with someone we trust.

You can trust me.

Dogs are my whole life.

Also work.

Doing work
and hanging with dogs.

That's my lifestyle.

[sneezes]

[coughs]

You're allergic to dogs,
aren't you?
Nope.

I just need an epipen
because my happiness

Is making my throat close up.

Hand me the small dog,
santiago.

[sneezing]

So the burner phone
that doug judy used

To contact the pontiac bandit
is at his mom's house.

He's agreed to help us
catch the bandit

If we drop all charges
against him.

How many cars would you say
this pontiac bandit has stolen?

230 that I know of.

But the real number could be
in the millions.

You're not very good
at math.

What are the charges
against judy?

12 counts of identity theft,

But I've been chasing him
for a month.

I've been trying to catch the
pontiac bandit for eight years.

You know how many
months that is?

96.

80--40--and 6
years, months.

Do you need a math tutor?

Because the department
will provide one for you.

I can't tell if
you're being serious.

I'm on the fence here.

Diaz caught him.

Look, this guy is for real.
1,000 push-ups.

1,000 push-ups, really?
Yes.

Okay. I'm in.

(holt)
what's 1,000 push-ups?

Oh, we were in
the academy together,

And we hated
all the drills, so now

When we're on a case and
one of us says 1,000 push-ups,

It means I'm so sure I'm right

That if I'm wrong,
I'll do 1,000 push-ups.

(rosa)
it's a pact we made.

It really just means
"trust me." and I do.

(holt)
okay.

Make the deal.
Yes!

I've got you now,
pontiac bandit. Whoo!

Feels good to finally say that
in front of actual people

Instead of just the mirror.

All right, so we grab
the burner, catch the bandit,

Become police legends.

My mom's car is here.
She's home.

Can I take these cuffs off?

No way.

She thinks I own an architecture
firm with all white employees.

That's racist.

Why stop there? Why not tell her
you're an astronaut?

'cause space is scary.

You saw what it did
to sandy bullock.

Yeah, I'm with him
on this one.

I'll stay on earth,
thank you very much.

Yeah.
[laughs]

We can play-act with his mom
for two minutes to get a lead.

Fine.

One false move, and I tase you
in front of your mom.

Dougie!
Oh, my beautiful boy.

[smooches]

Well, shouldn't you be
at work?

Never too busy
to see my mama.
Oh.

Mama, this is
my girlfriend rosa.

And this is my
personal assistant.

Mangy carl.

Aw, it's nice to meet you.
You can just call me carl.

Mangy carl used to be
a homeless gentleman.

I work with a charity
that finds jobs

For down-on-their-luck
white people.

Oh...

He's just a big, old angel.
He's been so good to...

The whites.

[laughter]

Yes, he is.

Yeah.
This guy.

Aw...

Hey, speaking of which, we
should probably grab that phone,

You know, so you can
get back to architecturals.

Yes, it's in
the spare bedroom.

I'll go with you.
It's a mess.

Actually, we can handle it
on our own, ma'am.

Why don't you just
stay up here and...

Chop it up with rosa?

Well, that sounds nice.

We can get to know
each other a little.

I love getting
to know people.

It's my jam.

[slurping]

Oh, how good is this food?

I'm eating it.

They accidentally
put a stone in mine.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
that's the hoof!

[gasps] that's the best
part of the stew!

Think of it as marrow nugget
wrapped in a thick toenail.

[gags]

Hey, did I tell you guys
what the doctor said?

Mm-hmm.

Couple times.

But we'd love
to hear it again.

He said that if the bullet was a
fraction of an inch to the left

And two feet up,
it woulda hit my brain.

Oh...
Yeah.

[slurps]

Oh...

"back in the game.
When can we meet?"

Damn, you're a good assistant.
I could get used to this.

How long till he usually
gets back to you?

Like ten minutes.
Chill, mangy.

I can't chill. I've never
been this close before.

I gotta admit, your enthusiasm
makes me want you to catch him.

Thank you.

Are these laserdiscs?

Yeah, I robbed
a tower records back in '92.

Kept my faves.

Doug judy.
Ooh.

Blade runner, tron, oh!

Fievel goes west?

Yes, sir.
Love that little mouse.

His journey--
the story of america.

I could not agree more.

Fievel?
Papa.

Fievel!
Papa!

Fie-vel!
Pa-pa!

Fie-vel!

You guys having fun?

His mom put this stupid
braid in my hair.

Oh, looks beautiful.

Yeah, it's kinda cute.

Please have my children.

[phone chimes]

Parking lot on flatbush
and vanderbilt in 15 minutes.

Let's go.
(doug)
wait, wait, wait.

Diaz looks like
a dirty criminal.

But you look like a cop, man.

You can't go over there
like that.

What'd you have in mind?

♪ don't call it a comeback

♪ I been here for years

♪ makin' the tears rain down
like a monsoon ♪

♪ listen to the bass go boom

♪ explosion overpowerin'

♪ over the competition
I'm towerin' ♪

I don't look
like a cop now.

No, you look like
a boyz ii men easter album.

Burn.

That's not a burn,
that's cool.

[door opens]

Gina, we've been
looking all over for you.

You can't just disappear

And leave a sign on your desk
that says, "gone leavin'."

(gina)
I'm hiding from charles.

I can't take him anymore.

'cause his scooter can't get up
the steps in the hallway.

Gina, have some compassion.

Boyle got hurt
doing something brave.

You didn't have to do
physical therapy with him, amy.

Pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal,
pedal, pedal, push.

Pedal, pedal, pedal,
pedal, pedal, push.

All this cycling makes me
feel like lance armstrong.

Like you use
performance-enhancing drugs

And have one teste?

Wouldn't you like to know?

How long can you
possibly hide in here?

I sent all the captain's
calls here,

My phone battery's
at 100% charge,

And I have ten loose
diner mints in my purse.

This is my home now.

I gotta say,
the suit is growing on me.

Looks good.

Is it triple-breasted
somehow?

What about the girl
in total reca?

Mmm. Triple bitties.

Triple bitties.
Triple bitties.
Yeah.

[laughs]
rosa--

There's no sign of anyone.

You sure about this?

1,000 push-ups.

Okay.

Heads up.

Who the hell are you?
Where's bill?

He hadn't heard
from you in a while,

So he sent me to make sure
everything was cool.

Apparently it's not.

Who are they?

They're with me.

This is the buyer.
Carl mangerman.
'sup?

I don't know them,
I don't trust them.

He meets with you alone
or it's off.

I'll text the address.

Come on!

I promise you this.

They have not heard the last
of carl mangerman.

Sergeant, I'd like you
to meet richard and dan.

They are puppies.

Very cute, sir.

Maybe your twins would like
some little, furry friends.

I'm sorry, sir,
but that's impossible.

With the twins
learning how to walk,

Chaos reigns
at the jeffords household.

I can't let those innocent
pups into that madhouse.

Terry won't do you like that.

Just know you have
disappointed...

All three of us.

That's cold, sir.

All right,
it's worth the risk.

We send him in alone.

No, we do not. Something
doesn't smell right to me.

Could be my dad's suit.
He died in it.

He died in it?

Oh, man.
[phone chimes]

They just sent the location.

(doug)
man, this dude
is cautious.

If I show up one minute late
or I'm not alone,

He's done with me.

This is your last shot.

I can't let the pontiac bandit
get away.

Put a wire on him, get
a tactical team in as backup.

Doug judy and I know this guy.
You have to trust us.

Do I?

And the other one
is dressed like steve harvey.

It's over.
I'm ending this now.

Sorry, jake.

Seriously?

Yeah. 1,000 push-ups.

Well, I raise you.
2,000 push-ups.

What?
That's not how this works.

I said 1,000 push-ups,
you have to back me up.

That's the pact,
end of story.

Well, I break the pact.

I hope you understand
how serious this is to me.

Come on, rosa.

Can't you read
between the lines, man?

Don't quote die hard.

Sorry.

But we're still
sending him in alone.

Ask questions about money,
cars, specifics.

I'm getting kind of nervous,
man. This dude is for real.

You sure you got
everything covered?

There's a body
on the back door,

Eyes on the side door,

And two guys out on the corner.
You're gonna be fine.

You got choppers?
With snipers and rockets?

No one has
rocket choppers.

Although that does
sound amazing.

So, what'd I miss?

Tell me all the jokes.
Everything funny that happened.

Charles, we really
need to get back to...

Hitchcock called himself
scully by accident.

I did. But it brought
me and scully closer together.

(charles)
[laughs]
that's great!

What else?

Oh, I laughed too hard.
Lost another highlighter.

Does anyone have
skinny forearms?

Fine.

Great.

Yeah, it's way
down there by my butt.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that's it.

Is that it?
Yup.

Oh, okay.
(charles)
right there.

Ah!

Got it.

Oh, my god.
Where's my grandmother's ring?

Oop. Found it.

(scooter's computer voice)
please get out of my way.
I am physically disabled.

[beeping]
please get out of my way.

Welcome to
the boyle-free zone.

Please turn off
all cell phones

So as not to attract
any unwanted attention.

(rosa)
we got eyes on the bandit.
He's a block away.

You ready?

You and me, jakey.
We were born ready.

Go, judy, go.

(jake)
we meet at last,
pontiac bandit.

For eight years
I've tracked you.

And today I'm taking you down.

Doug judy, can you hear me?

Say something
to test the wire.

(doug)
hey, diaz...

After we put the cuffs
on this guy,

I'll be free for dinner.

You like spaghetti?

And weed?

The mic works.

My man. What's up?

(man)
pleasure to see you again.

I got my shop
up and running again.

I can do anything you want.

Blue cars, red cars,
big cars, small cars,

You know, cars. Cars are
really great, aren't they?

What is he doing?

Talking about cars.

Boyle, where is everyone?

Hiding from me
in the evidence room.

They think I don't know,

But gina's been live
tweeting the whole thing.

She live tweets
everything.

Ruined downton abbey for me.

Maybe it was too soon
for me to come back.

I would've just
stayed at home,

One day I looked
out the window for four hours.

I didn't see anything.

The way they look.
How they stop, how they start.

That's it. I'm calling it.

No!

Move, people,
we're going in now.

On your knees!
Hands on your head!

Gotcha, pontiac bandit.

Where's doug judy?

He went to the bathroom.

I'm just here
to give him a haircut.

I don't know
what's going on.

A likely story, pontiac--

But actually you do have
a lot of hair products.

He's gone. He ran.

He helped us catch the pontiac
bandit. That was the deal.

Doesn't make
any sense unless--

Doug judy is
the pontiac bandit.

[siren whoops]

Seal off everything
for a 20-block radius.

(doug)
yeah, don't bother
looking for me.

(jake)
if you're close enough
for me to hear you,

You're close enough
for me to catch you.

Nah, I got a relay
set up, brother.

So if you're the pontiac bandit,
who's this joker?

(doug)
couple of years ago
you were getting really close,

So I started telling
all my associates

If they ever get caught,
they should describe me as...

Asian dude, 5'8",
spiky hair.

Wears diamond earrings
and has a...

So then you hired a guy who
matched that exact description.

(doug)
no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's my barber norman lee.
He gave me the idea.

You know, if you can't come in,
I do house calls.

You just text me a location

And I could be there
in half an hour.

Good to know.

You know, you should actually
use him while he's there.

He'll give you a dope fade.

I get dope enough fades from
my current barber, thank you.

So you dragged us over here,
went in there,

Pretended to talk, and then
snuck out the basement.

(doug)
the basement connected
to another basement!

Which connected to a garage,

Which is where
my boy picked me up.

Your boy?

Oh, that guy from the meet-up.

He works for you.

He pretended to be spooked
by me and diaz

In the parking lot
to make sure that

We let you go to
the next meeting by yourself.

Ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding!

You win a teddy bear!

You lied to me, doug judy.

Gotta be honest, I'm pretty
disappointed right now.

I mean, was that even
really your mom?

I wanted to see her one last
time before I disappeared.

I told you I was sensitive,
rosa.

(rosa)
yeah, you did.

Why don't you come back here
and take me out to dinner?

Ah...
[laughs]

I know you're
trying to trap me.

But crazy thing is
I'm tempted!

Sorry it had to go down
this way, peralta.

Maybe we could've been
friends in another world.

If I hadn't just fooled you

Like a little bitch!

[engine revs]

[laughing]
bitch!

'kay.

Hey, captain,
we thought we'd

Get more work done
in here, because--

You're all hiding
from boyle.

(hitchcock)
not me, captain.

I was napping.

That's worse.

(amy)
captain, we all think
boyle's a hero,

But it's very difficult
to be around him right now.

(terry)
I was in the bathroom
with him, sir.

It was a nightmare.

Hey, sarge,

This cast has a special
crotch hole.

It's like a doggy door
for my penis.

Shake.

That man took a bullet
for this precinct.

He's a guy who's always
looking for love and friendship.

And he needs it now
more than ever.

But you all turned
your backs on him.

And you should all be
ashamed of yourselves.

(gina)
[giggles]

I'm sorry.
Those puppies are so cute.

They do undercut
your tone a bit, sir.

(terry)
but on the plus side,

I think I know
what to do with them.

(holt)
detective boyle.

I think you might be able to
give these dogs a good home.

Ah...

(scooter's computer voice)
you are off the scooter.

If you have fallen,
please call a doctor.

Oh, captain...

I don't know
if I should--okay.

Oh...
[laughs]

That tickles.

They like me so much!
[gasps]

[exhales]

Are you crying, santiago?

I'm so allergic.

Can you tell the scooter
to call an ambulance?

[gasps]

Hey.

So...

I went back to
the mom's house.

Unsurprisingly a dead end.

I got a lot of work
to do, peralta.

Wait.

I want to say something.

We've worked together
long enough that I know

How much you hate apologies.

I just want to ask you
to join the doug judy case.

Officially, as partners.

I want to catch this guy,
and I can't do it without you.

No, you can't.

Now I believe I owe you
1,000 push-ups.

I don't care about
the push-ups, jake.

I care that you
didn't honor our pact.

I know, and I'm sorry.
It won't happen again.

No, it won't.

Now get down on the floor.

What? You just said you didn't
care about the push-ups.

I changed my mind.

Fair enough.

A pact's a pact.

[groans]

One, two, three...

612...

Night, peralta.

Night.

613...

Hey, ronald.

[groans]

1,000...

Is so many push-ups.
I'm never gonna make it.

What am I at?

901.

Thank you, captain.

You said 2,000, remember?

I shoulda trusted you!
[sobbing]

Not a doctor.
Shh.