Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Christmas - full transcript

[sleigh bells]

all right, you take
the skinny one on the right

and i'll take the big one
on the left.

nypd!
santa, stop hitting santa.

what's going on here?

i've been on this corner
for six years.

(santa #2)
hey, you don't own this corner.
i got a charity too.

canine diabetes?
who cares about fat dogs?

they can't give themselves
shots, they got paws.

(jake)
boyle, frisk the skinny one.

i've gone 42 years
without a lump of coal.



i'm not gonna start now.

are you kidding me?

all right, fine.
come here, buddy.

[yells]

hey, hey, hey!

hit him in his fat
cherry cheeks.

ooh!

ugh, that felt wrong.

knife!

skinny santa's got a knife!

ahh!

just kicked santa
in the testicles.

merry christmas.

[upbeat music]



♪

looking good.
happy hanukkah.

you look happy.

let me guess.

your egg sandwich fell
on the floor

and they gave it to you
for free.

why doesn't everyone just drop
their sandwiches on the floor?

[sighs]
i was trying to insult you.

and instead, you gave me
an amazing life hack.

oh, amy, you shouldn't have.
but this is embarrassing.

i didn't get you a present.

the gift is for captain holt.

it's one of six presents
i got him

representing the six lessons
that he's taught me:

determination, wisdom,
posture--

excuse me, everyone.

as you may know,
this is the holiday season.

detectives sometimes
feel the urge

to buy their captains
holiday presents.

please refrain
from doing so.

under no circumstances

do i want a present.

peralta, my office.

(jake)
roger that!

oh, my god, i have to return
so many items.

[whispering]
i know.

shut up.

thank you for joining us,
peralta.

this is deputy chief gerber.

ah, merry christmas, chief.

and a very merry christmas
to you, captain.

ho, ho, ho!

(gerber)
captain holt has received

a number of death threats.

i really came in here
with the wrong energy.

captains receive meaningless
threats all the time.

it's really no big deal.

of course, totally.

i mean, why would a death threat
be a big deal?

oh, that's right.
'cause it threatens death.

it's a hoax.

i didn't wanna alarm the squad.

so, please,
keep this between us.

awesome.
i'm great at secrets.

santiago got you
like six presents.

well, it may be a hoax,
but protocol dictates

that captain holt
have a security detail with him

at all times.

he's chosen you
for that detail.

interesting.

and not at all surprising.
i'm his favorite.

tell me, what would
this job entail?

you'll be assigned
to captain holt.
uh-huh.

you'll be entirely in control
of his movements.
amazing.

he will not leave your sight.
[sighs]

you have the authority
to make decisions that you feel

are in the best interest
of his safety.

oh, my god.

basically you'll be
completely in charge.

oh, well, it sounds
really tough,

but of course i accept,

and i will be willing to put
my life at risk for this man

to have to follow
all of my orders.

thank you!
this is the best christmas ever.

god bless us, everyone!

hey, my flight
is at 8:00 tonight.

you think i'll be safe if i get
to the airport five hours early?

five?
no way!

you gotta do seven.
seven minimum.

seven. i knew it.
yep.

why are you going
on a singles cruise?

i thought
you were into rosa.

but i've begun to feel
like there's a slight chance

rosa may not love me back.

hey, how about we grab
some dinner tonight,

that's nice,
and i like you as a person,

but i'm just not interested
in you...

romantically.

coolio!

hey, what say you
we grab a drink?

you're starting
to make this weird.

i'm not into you that way,
and i have a boyfriend.

got you.
rain check.

a rose...for rosa.

the healthy thing for you
to do is move on.

so we both decided
the healthy thing for me to do

is to just move on.

i'm impressed, charles.
that's very mature.

i realized i sometimes--
oh, no, don't get comfy.

this wasn't an invitation
to keep talking.

gotcha.
rain check on the convo.

yeah.
sure, sure, sure.

peralta's busy,
so let's just get started.

now, the captain won't allow us
to give him

all the presents
we bought him.

you are the only one
that did that.

but we can make him the greatest
christmas card of all time.

we're gonna santa hats
and big sweaters

and take a picture of us all
in a lineup.

(terry)
i'm sorry, santiago,

but i don't have time
for that.

my psych evaluation is today.

they're gonna decide
if i'm ready

to make it back
on the streets.

why do you care
what they think?

psychologists are just people

(amy)
don't worry, sergeant.
we'll add you in later.

[charles sighs]

sorry, i gotta go too.
my flight is in...

ah, eight hours.

i can make it.

i'll buy a sandwich
on the plane.

boyle!

so if peralta, boyle,
and the sergeant are out--

fine, everyone just go.

yeah.

i could take a pic of myself
dressed up as an elf.

elfie-selfie.

not that...

but i think there is something
you could help me with.

you gonna sit there
all day?

affirmative, stone eagle.

that's the secret service
codename i gave you.

just sitting here
doing my job,

watching, protecting,
bossing you around.

now, for your safety,

and search the words
"pigs" and "jet skis,"

and that's an order.

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
where you going, cold mountain?

i changed your codename.

to use the restroom.

i'm only asking this
for your safety.

is it a number one
or a number two?

your silence indicates
number two.

let me do some recon.
[grunts]

go, go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go.

cold mountain
is on the move.

i repeat, cold mountain
is rolling to the can.

sergeant jeffords,
thank you for coming in today.

we are here to assess
your readiness for active duty,

and if all goes
i will stamp this release form,

you can go
back in the field.

well, i think i'm ready.

i am no longer fixating
on my fears, ha.

good. but for today,
let's...fixate on those fears.

okay.
um...

let's begin by talking
about your baby girls

and your wife,

and what would happen to them
if you died...

in the line of duty.

i popped your pillow.

(jake)
captain...

where do you think
you're going?

i'm going home
to work in peace.

that's a negative, ice veins.
changed your codename again.

do you know why i chose you
to be my security escort?

because i'm a modern-day
sherlock holmes?

no, i chose you
because the threat is not real.

mm-hmm.

and i thought you'd have
no problem breaking the rules

and letting me
get my work done.

now...let me go.

well, you thought wrong.

you can't go home.
it's protocol.

but if you really wanna
get outta here,

you can come to my mom's.

she lives nearby.

or i can lock you up
in the holding cell

with an armed escort.

totally your call.

fine. we will go
to your mother's house.

i guess i am curious
to see where...

this all started.

shotgun.

so...this is my mom's place.

you can just throw your jacket
in the closet.

that's a bathroom.

water closet.
my mom's british.

hmm.

why are there
no photographs of you?

no holiday decorations.

nothing but...

motel art.

this isn't
your mom's apartment.

it's a safe house, son!
you've been protected.

don't say "son."

get outta my way.

look, you wouldn't stay
at your desk

i'm sorry, but i've gotta
order you to stay.

i love giving you orders.

the only way you're gonna
keep me here

is if you physically stop me.

can you do that, peralta?

[indistinct mumbling]

i didn't think so.

jordan.
ahh!

we're handcuffed together
and we've lost the key.

falconer one to hq,
stone eagle is in the cage.

i repeat,
stone eagle is in the cage.

i told you the death threat
was not serious.

so what on earth
are you doing?

look, i know you think
that i'm just goofing around,

but i got a direct order
from your boss

to protect you.

so from this point forward,
we're on lockdown.

fine. but before we go
into lockdown...

too late.
you're on it.

i'd like to text my husband

all right,
but for security reasons,

i get to craft the message.

let's start
with a pleasant greeting.

how about...
"hello, honey."

you will not craft
the message.

okay, roger that.
"honey's" wrong.

how about "hello, husband"?

you call each other "sir"?
give me my phone.

fine.

i'll give you some privacy.

maybe put hitchcock's head
on top like an angel.

(gina)
like that?

no, put it behind the tree.

(amy)
thanks for helping me
make this card.

you're so good
at this stuff.

[laughs] i know.
i'm good at everything.

all right, so here's
all the pictures of rosa

that we have.

which one should we use?

[groans] she never smiles.
is her mouth broken?

well, what about if we...

flip those lips?

oh, god.
oof!

(gina)
that's horrifying.

we have to get a picture
of rosa smiling.

holt's card
has to be perfect.

guys...i got this.

i can make rosa smile.

just keep your cameras ready.

making coffee?

can you make another cup

for senor tickle
and his nueve amigos?

tickle, tickle, tickle!

what the hell, hitchcock?
ow, ahh! ow, ow, ow!

i think you sprained
senor tickle.

next time, i break it off.

[hitchcock whimpers]

ow!

all right.

my safe house,
my rules.

this is a no tie zone.

a hungry safe house
is an unsafe safe house.

a fun safe house
is a safe safe house.

my serve.

ah.

i thought you said
you've never played this.

it's very intuitive.

let's have another sandwich.

a safe house-watching
safe house

is a safe safe house house.

i've already seen the film.

i enjoyed it.

you see, those are the kind
of things that you learn

when you're handcuffed
together.

and that is the true meaning
of christmas.

[knocking on door]

who knows we're here?

get behind me.

standard protocol suggests
that you put me in another room

before you open the door.

but since you've cuffed us
together--

i order you to be quiet.
[sighs]

come on.

freeze, sicko!
ah!

jake, it's me,
charles from work.

okay, let's switch gears,
do a little word association.

what do you think of

when i say the word "bottle"?

liquor store, holdup,
gun, die.

how about "grass"?

marijuana, drugs.

gun, die.

cat.

kitten.

calm.
false sense of security.

gun, die.

what are you doing?

you gonna stamp my form?

no. i just didn't want the ink
to dry out.

boyle, what are you
doing here?

i thought you had
to catch a flight.

i do.
my flight is in six hours.

but the captain
texted me to come,

so i'm here.
what?

you texted boyle
when you told me

you were texting
your husband?

as the person who's completely
in charge here,

i am very disappointed
in you.

i'm changing your codename
to "bad boy."

to be disappointed at
someone under your command.

okay, i see what you're doing.
tushy.

it's touche.

well, i'm in charge,
and i say it's tushy.

boyle?

i've heard it both ways.

please don't involve me
in this.

and take him
to his old precinct.

what?

old precinct?
wait a minute.

you weren't going home
at all.

you were going
to investigate the threat

because it's not a hoax,
it's real!

wrong, it's not real.
you're lying!

you have a tell.

when you lie,
the corner of your mouth moves,

and it just moved.

[slowed down]
wrong, it's not real.

you're lying!

fine.

i believe the threat is real,

though i'm not sure
who's behind it.

but this is my problem,

and i'm gonna solve it
on my own.

boyle, uncuff me.
don't do it, charles.

i'll take you on that trip
to the botanical gardens

we've always talked about.

uncuff me,
and that's a direct order.

don't do it, best friend.
botanical gardens.

ah! this is just like christmas
at my parents' house.

why do they have
separate dining rooms?

[scoffing]
i--

both: no!

(jake)
that was not
one of the options!

i couldn't choose,
i love you both so much.

who wants to watch safe house?

so, including letters, emails,
and texts from a blocked phone,

we have received
ten threats.

how many people
have you put away

that might want you dead?

i've arrested
over 600 people.

brag.

boyle, will you please
read the transcripts

of the threats
he's received?

yup.

"die, die, die."
"die, holt, die."

okay, a little obvious.

"you will drown
in your own blood."

better.

although i would've gone
with the whole,

"i'm gonna staple my face
onto your face" thing.

human skin mask.
classic.

the next one is "i'm gonna
send you off the deep end."

"drowning" and "deep end."

almost sounds like he's talking
about a swimming pool.

it's haimes.

aha!
who's haimes?

colin haimes,
the freestyle killer.

he took out an entire 4x100
meter relay swim team in 1982.

marco.

[cocks gun]

now you say "polo," punk.

the freestyle killer.

man! how come
all the killers you've caught

had such cool names?

the best name i ever brought in
was "narrow shoes" sam,

because--
his shoes were narrow
and his name was sam.

i get it.
yeah, you get it.

well, captain, it looks like
you needed our help after all.

together, we figured out
it was haimes,

and together,
we're gonna take him down.

because together,
we can do anything.

here we go!

i'm finding haimes
alone.

coming back at you, jake!

oh, my god, rosa!

i accidentally
opened your mail,

but look what it says.

"dear miss diaz,
you just won--"

rosa, guess what.

i accidentally
opened your mail,

no, i'm reading the letter,
and you're taking the picture.

what?

you were trying to get me
to smile for your dumb picture,

but you messed up.

ah! she smiled.
she's smiling!

and no one has a camera.
[sighs]

[camera clicks]
got it, amy.

got a picture
of you frowning.

that's what you wanted,
right?

[horn honking]

peralta,
for the last time

we don't have to go back
to the precinct.

i don't need
everyone's help.

look, captain,
you're stubborn.

and that's
an adorable quality.

you wanna know what's not
an adorable quality?

being dead.
acne.

yep, being dead.

i mean, i give up.

what's going on with you?

why are you being
so weird about this?

i don't wanna involve you,
or boyle, or anyone.

because i brought
this situation on myself.

no one should get hurt
because of a dumb mistake i made

as a brash, young detective.

hey, haimes.

you're gonna spend
the rest of your life

in a little cement room,
doing nothing.

and while you're in there,
i'm gonna go for a swim.

and after that swim,
i might take another swim.

and you'll just be
sitting there

on your metal toilet,

thinking of me
swim, swim, swimming

all day long.

when i get out of lockup,

i'm gonna hunt you down
and kill you.

yeah.
[laughs]

right.

i think i really would've gotten
along with young ray holt.

yes, that's why i decided

to change everything
about my life.

well, frankly, sir,
you're still acting

like that brash,
dumb detective.

if you had truly changed,
you'd be saying

a bunch of boring,
responsible stuff, like...

"use the detective squad.
you're part of a team.

i smell like sandalwood."

that's what it is!

yet another terrible impression,
peralta.

but i think you're right.

wait, what?

sir, i'm sure
you had your reasons

for going to peralta,
but...

this is exactly the type of job
i would love to have.

okay, the next time someone
threatens to kill me,

i'll come straight to you.

thank you, sir.

i can't wait.

i...didn't mean...

let's catch this bastard.

all right, let's go!
updates. santiago.

looking into haimes' associates.
nothing yet.

boyle?

uh, some intel coming in
from ossining.

good. hitchcock and scully,
update on your secret project?

hazelnut coffee'll be up
in five minutes.

sumatran's ready to go.

warrant for the phone trace
came through.

we got haimes' number...

and the last coordinates
from its gps.

the rail yards.

all right, we got him.
everyone suit up!

i know there's no point
in telling you not to come,

but while we're out there,
you're sticking with me.

oh. goodie.

man, you really know
how to take the fun

out of saving your life.

you heard him, hitchcock.

get that sumatran
in the thermos.

i'm on it.

[train whistle blares]

if things go south,
i just want you to know

it's been an honor
being able to boss you around.

anything else?

yes. what cute little nickname
do you call your husband?

kevin.

adorable.

(rosa)
sorry you missed
your flight.

i have a backup flight
in four hours.

gotta flush him out.

we got his number now.
call his phone.

smart.

[line trilling]
it's ringing.

this is exciting.

[melodic ringtone]

i repeat, everyone converge
on that ringtone.

he's heading north
on track 17!

hey.

when this is all over, we should
take a train trip together.

just for fun.

[gunshots]

go, go, go, go, go!

ray holt!

hello, haimes.

thought about you
every day i was in jail

just like you said.

i thought about
pointing a gun at you

and pulling the trigger.

kinda like this.
noooo!

[terry grunting]

terry's back!

terry's back!

we got him.

nice work, jeffords.

nice work, peralta.

captain, you're doing it.

you're emoting.

(rosa on radio)
i need an ambulance.
boyle's down.

ah, what happened?
am i dead?

you saved my life.

die, pig!

(charles)
don't!

ahhh!

[grunts]

oh, my butt!

oh, my butt.

he's gonna be fine.
you can see him in a minute.

[sighs]
thank you.

sarge, i'm so glad
that shrink cleared you.

mm, more or less.

and time's up.

show me how terry sees terry.

oh, no.

yeah, it's pretty bad.
[door opens]

sergeant!
excuse me, we are--

captain holt needs your help.
his life is in danger.

(therapist)
oh, sergeant...

i do not think
that you're ready.

i'm ready.

mm-kay, bye!

i owe you one.

boyle got shot
because of me.

this is exactly
the kind of thing

i was hoping to avoid.

captain, this is our job.

any one of us
would've taken that bullet.

i'm sorry
i've been so difficult.

you were right.

we couldn't have caught him
without the team.

it appears the student
has become the teacher.

and the teacher hath become--
that's enough.

okay.

thank you.
you're welcome.

team pop and lock.
here we go!

whoosh!

come on, still?
we saved your life!

oh, my god.
oh, my god.

it's happening!
whoa, whoa!

yes! we did it!

[laughter]

excuse me!

this is a hospital.

(jake)
right. sorry.

people are dying.

you know,
everyone should just go home

and enjoy their christmas.

you don't need
to stick around here for me.

shut up,
no one's going anywhere.

what you did was amazing.

yeah, boyle,
that was some superman stuff.

yeah, you did the nine-nine
proud.

no ifs, ands, or butts.

sorry, it's just right there.
literally.

it's just right in front of me.
his butt is right in my face.

i have to tell you guys
something.

even though i got shot...

in the butt.
sorry.

(charles)
i'd rather be here,

spending christmas
with all of you,

than on some stupid
singles cruise.

and i mean that,
from the bottom of my--

butt.
again, sorry.

ow!
shut up, jake!

boyle's a hero.

and so is his butt.

[camera clicks]

i got it!
she smiled!

christmas card complete.

he got shot in the butt.

fremulon.

not a doctor, shh!