Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Bet - full transcript

(jake)
charles, this is exciting.

Medal of valor.

I know.

For getting shot
in the butt.

[gunfire]

Oh, my butt!

For exceptional acts
of heroism

Or voluntary risk
of personal safety.

But, you know, six of one.

This is one of
the nypd's highest honors.

Today is your day,
detective boyle.



(gerber)
heroism can't be measured
by a piece of metal.

But what else can we do

To recognize
the brave officers

That have put their
lives on the line?

It is my great honor to present
the medal of valor

To detective
charles boyle...

And sergeant
peanut butter.

[riotous cheers and applause]

[horse neighs]

Oh, my god.

Charles is getting
the same medal as a horse.

At least boyle
was announced first.

Because the horse
outranks him.

This is amazing.



That's enough, peralta.

And nothing can take that
away from him.

The horse is pooping
on the stage.

Sergeant peanut butter
is pooping on the stage.

[snorts]

[upbeat music]

♪

Peralta.

Santiago.

The bet ends today.

Are you ready?
I was born ready.

To lose?
The whole question was,

And you said
you were born that way.

Twist my words
all you want.

Okay.
I'm winning this bet.

What are you guys
talking about?

Seriously?
The bet?

They've been keeping score
all year.

It comes up
all the time.

What are you doing
all day?

Nothing.
Why, you wanna hang out?

A year ago today,
peralta and I made a bet

To prove who's
a better detective.

Whoever makes more
felony arrests, wins.

What are the stakes?

And don't say money,
because I know you're in debt.

If you really knew
anything about me,

You would've said
"crushing debt,"

'cause there's no way
I'm losing.

What about your car?
Oh!

I mean, how many girls have you
made out with in that car?

Six?
Well, I'm gonna win,
so sure.

Let's bet the car.
[crowd oohs]

Yes.

No, jakey, no!

That car
is your superpower.

Thor would never
wager his hammer.

Neil patrick harris would never
wager his showmanship.

Losing that car will be
the worst thing

In the world for you.

Well, what's
the worst thing

In the world for you,
santiago?

Being one of those girls
in jake's car.

(terry)
okay, okay, okay.

Then it is settled.

If peralta loses,
santiago gets his car.

If santiago loses, she goes
for a date in said car.

Game on.

Game on.

Wow, your handshake
is quite firm.

I took a seminar.

Where?

And the score
is all tied up.

But not for long.

For in eight hours,
I will win the bet

And take santiago
on the worst date

In the history
of the world.

(holt)
attention.

After today's shift,
I'd like everyone

Join me at the bar
for drinks

In honor of detective boyle
and his medal of valor.

Oh, my god, is peanut butter
gonna be there?

That horse is a damn hero.

Peanut butter
will not be joining us.

He's being feted
by the united nations.

As you were.

Pen.
You--ow!

Rolly chair!

Gina's desk!
Oh, jake.

No!

Captain, hey.

You're looking
stoic today,

Like a wise old oak.

I'm not gonna give you
more cases

So you can win your bet
with santiago.

What?
Oh, right, the bet.

[chuckles] totally forgot
about that.

Well, granted,
this friendly competition

Has led to you and santiago
putting in more hours

And arresting more perps,
especially this last week.

Up by one, peralta.

Anything you want to say
to your car

Before you never
see it again? Hmm?

Hey, santiago, do you have
any dietary restrictions

That medieval times
should know about?

What's the safest way
to set a car on fire?

Ooh. Hmm!

Both of you have done
exemplary work,

Which I appreciate.

And I can see that by
the absolutely no indicators

On your face.

However,
you are colleagues,

And the fallout from this bet
has the potential

To put a strain on your
professional relationship.

Only if I lose.

Cases will be assigned
as they usually are.

Dismissed.

Captain, you look--
no.

Rosa, hey,
would you like to share

I got some gorgeous
new coffee beans.

Sure,
that sounds great.

Isn't that, like, your fifth
cup of coffee today?

I'm trying
to counteract

The drowsiness
from my pain meds.

I took
a double dose

After the incident
at the ceremony.

(photographer)
bring peanut butter
forward...Forward.

Uh, can the little guy
take a big step back, please?

My name
is charles boyle.

I won the same medal
as this horse.

[screams]

The footage from my fall
led the local news,

So who's the hero now,
peanut butter?

Peanut butter.

Gina, you're just
trying to hurt me

To distract yourself
from your own internal pain.

Also, you should use
less conditioner,

Because this
is a flat mess.

(holt)
what's going on with boyle?

His pain meds
are making him weird.

Oh, okay.
Yes.

When he got
his vasectomy un-reversed.

You get all relaxed
and you have no filter

And you just start dropping
truth bombs on everyone.

Oh, that explains
the elevator.

I'm worried you don't
find me interesting.

I'm gonna pretend
someone texted me.

Bloop.

[chuckles]

Gina, please keep an eye
on boyle today.

He's gonna say something
to the wrong person

And get himself punched.

Sure, I'd love to see
charles get punched.

I will stop charles
from getting punched.

Correct.

Great.

[exhales]

I present carl laudson,
who stole $3,000.

Santiago takes the lead
with one minute left.

Suck it, peralta.

[bemused]
oh, no.

That's right,
"oh, no."

Oh, no.
You don't seem worried.

Why aren't you worried?

Bring in the johns.

I ran a prostitution sting
through vice

And arrested 30 guys
for soliciting.

That's not a felony.

Which is the case for ten
of these gentlemen.

Fun fact: Four of them
are actually named john.

Ironic.

Anyhoo,
ten more for peralta.

Accept your fate.

Never.

Five, four, three,
two, one.
No.

Jake wins,
amy loses.

[music playing]
♪ celebrate good
times come on! ♪

♪ let's celebrate

Look!
[horns blow]

♪ celebrate good times,
come on! ♪
whoo!

Amy santiago,
you have made me

The happiest man
on earth.

I spent $1
on this ring.

Will you go on the worst date
ever with me?

You have to say yes.

Yes.

[cheers and applause]
she said yes!

She said yes.

This is for you.

[horn honks]

Amy santiago,
date time.

Time to date.

Peralta, this outfit
is ridiculous.

Chop chop.

There's plenty
of embarrassing to do

And only a few hours
to do it in.

Happy?

Oh, yeah.

You look like every girl
at every bat mitzvah

I ever had a crush on.

Let's see the bow.
[chuckles]

Just like
jenny gildenhorn.

Why do I wish
you had braces?

Should we get you braces?

No, that's too much.

Here I come.

Nice shorts.

Thank you.
Believe it or not,

They were not
very expensive.

Do I really have to
wear this all night?

The date starts now
and ends at midnight.

I decide what you wear,

What you eat,
and where we go.

Oh, and there is
one more rule.

No matter
what happens,

You're not allowed
to fall in love with me.

Won't be a problem.

Detective boyle, I just wanted
to say congratulations.

Your medal
was well-deserved.

Thank you, sir.

Your breath is terrible.

Charles,
can I speak with you?

Hey, where's rosa?

I haven't seen her
all night.

Did you know my wife
pays me alimony?

Okay, let's take a seat.

I'm gonna keep an eye on
you all night, little buddy.

Okay.
Thanks.

Hey, baby.

Hey, baby.
Happy you made it.

Captain, I'd like you
to meet my wife, sharon.

I've heard such great things
about you.

And you.

Your husband
is a real hero.

If you ask me,
he should've been up there

With detective boyle today.

What for?

For saving my life.

He means metaphorically.

You know, saving him
from all that paperwork.

Paper cuts
are a slow death, baby.

No, I was referring to how
he threw his body

At an emotionally
disturbed criminal

Who was trying
to kill me.

Nooo!

He did what?

Are you
back in the field?

Oh.
I have caused a problem.

I think I am...

Getting a text message.

Bloop.

Ah. There it is.

Why is this the first
I'm hearing about this?

I thought I told you.

Remember when you were
half asleep

Watching the news
and the babies were quiet,

And I said, real low,
"hey, baby.

I'm back in the field.
You want something to eat?"

And I was like,
"you want something to eat?"

And you said, "sure."

And I got you
an oatmeal cookie?

Remember?

You are a piece of work,
terrance.

Oh, damn.
She called me terrance.

I'm doomed.

[bullhorn blares]

(jake)
hot date coming through.

Hey, attention,
everyone.

Now I know that tonight
is boyle's big night.

[cheering]

But let's forget about that
completely for a moment

And admire and comment on every
terrible aspect of this.

[cheers and applause]

Permission to go
to the bathroom?

Granted.
First of three.

Use them wisely.

Hey.

Congrats again, buddy.

I really am proud of you.

Still wearing the medal,
huh?

Yes, I want women to be
impressed by me.

All right.

Well, I'm sorry
that I can't stay,

But I have a terrible night
planned for amy.

First up is the mall
photo studio,

Where we'll take our official
date portrait.

The picture will
be the two of us

Playing one saxophone.

Then some peel-and-eat shrimp
for dinner

At a dangerously cheap
seafood restaurant.

And then I've contracted
a youth choir

To serenade us.

[all singing]
♪ santiago santiago

♪ santiago

♪ santiago

♪ you suck so bad

Yes!

They'll sing to her
at midnight

In the middle
of times square.

She and
500 german tourists

Will savor that memory
for all times.

Jake, do you know why
little boys

Pull little girls' pigtails
on playgrounds?

'cause they're so easy
to grab.

They're just begging
to be pulled.

Because they
like the girls,

And that's the only way
they know

How to get
their attention.

What are you saying?

All of this teasing,
this elaborate date,

Somewhere down deep,
you like amy.

Like, "like her,"
like her.

Okay, that's
straight-up insanity.

How much did you spend
on tonight?

$1,400, but all of it's
on credit cards,

So it's, like, $5 a month
for the next 2,000 years.

You're putting a lot
of effort into a joke.

Why don't you sit down

And have a real
conversation with her?

You live in your ex-wife's
new boyfriend's basement.

I'm not taking advice
from you.

Hup.

I'm ashamed
of my living situation.

Rosa, why are you
sequestered

Over by this
old cell phone?

I'm avoiding boyle
and his truth bombs.

I sometimes worry
I'm gonna become you.

He keeps saying
he wants to talk to me.

I'm afraid he's gonna
tell me he loves me

Or propose marriage
or something.

Oh, my god.

That makes me kind of
want to cry.

He dove in front
of those bullets for me.

I can't be mean to him.

I watched him
make coffee

For 28 minutes
this morning.

Captain holt told me not to
let him get hurt tonight.

So I'll keep him
away from you.

Have you seen rosa?

Rosa died
eight years ago.

Come on.
Let's get you a drink.

(jake)
excuse me, everyone.

Santiago and I will be
performing the steerage jig

From the film titanic,

Which we have prepared for

In no way, shape,
or form.

Romantic.

No, embarrassing.

Milady.

[fiddle music plays]

♪

[cheers and applause]

You look pretty.
I hate your guts.

Channel that passion
into the dance.

Peralta.
Scully, tag in.

Okay.
Keep spinning.

Yes.
One of our informants
just called.

That lifts cargo
out of laguardia.

The c.I. Knows
where the trucks unload,

So I need you to stake out
the drop site.

Oh, sir,
I'm right in the middle

Of this date
and I cannot reschedule.

I have far, far too many
non-refundable deposits.

I'm renting a tiger cub
by the hour.

For what?
Don't even know.

Well, this is not
a negotiation, so go.

All right, fine,
but I'm taking santiago with me.

As soon as we're done,
it's back to the date.

Darling.

Brief pause.
Duty calls.

Oh, thank god.

Gina, tag in?

No, not even
if it would cure cancer.

Okay.

Look, baby, I'm sorry,

But captain's life
was in danger.

I just did
what I had to do.

It was
an impulse decision.

Well, I guess
I can understand that.

(holt)
sharon.

I have to apologize.

I want to assure you
that the call

To put sergeant jeffords
back in the field

Wasn't a spur-of-the-moment,
impulse decision.

It's been in the works
for a few months now.

Terry said
it just happened.

I think you two need to get
your stories straight.

Perhaps I should
stop talking to your wife.

That's a good call.
Captain.

Sharon.

(amy)
I'm so happy

To be out of that dress.

It was weirdly hot.

Oh, yeah,
it's probably because

It was a cotton
and plastic blend.

But not to worry.

And get back to the worst
date of your life.

No.

Than the date I had
with my aunt's dentist.

You should try
some of this.

Okay.

Oh. Okay. Hold on.
Hmm?

Yeah, dessert
is out of the question.

[laughs]

What was your
worst date ever?

I think it's, like,
a 50-way tie.

The last lady I went out with
burst into tears

When I told her
I was a gemini.

Wow.

Hey, those people
left that door open.

I bet there's a better vantage
point from the roof.

Mmm, and I bet it doesn't
smell like old cheese.

Okay, that's hurtful.

Shall we?
Yeah.

So what else
don't I know?

You cooking meth?

You breaking bad?

How many phones
do you have?

I'm sorry,
I need to clarify

Something
I said earlier.

Sergeant jeffords
was correct

When he said
that his choice to go back

In the field that night
was an impulse decision.

He didn't even take the time
to stop and gear up, so--

(sharon)
what?
So--

You didn't have
your vest on?

Oh, no.
Oh, goodness.

I shouldn't
have said that.

I feel I may
have made things worse.

Wait.
I can fix this, ray.

Now is not
the time, boyle.
Hush!

I want to hear this.

Boyle, let's not
make big--
hush.

Truth time.

We love your husband.

We will do anything
to protect him.

And you have incredibly
attractive hands.

And you, what the hell
are you doing,

Lying to your wife?

Unless you want to
end up moving

Into my ex-wife's new
boyfriend's basement with me,

You better man up.

Don't you ever
keep anything

From this
beautiful woman again.

Seriously,
you are beautiful.

Oh.
If he ever
lies to you again,

You can call me.

I'm sorry, honey.

I just didn't
want you to worry.

Baby, I am always
gonna worry about you.

But if you feel
like you're ready,

Then get your ass
back in the field.

But if you ever keep
anything from me again,

I will leave you
for this short, earnest man

And his ex-wife's new
boyfriend's apartment.

But hercules is actually
a very good landlord.

Sometimes, when they go
on nice vacations,

I'm allowed
to use the hot tub.

Man, I don't know
how batman does it.

It is super scary
up here.

Hey, will you grab
the binoculars?

They're in
my stakeout bag.

Your stakeout bag
is 98% nuts.

I get snacky.

Besides,
nuts are super healthy.

They're, like, 0% fat.

Jake, that's not
true at all.

It's actually
the opposite.

What?
That nut vendor lied to me.

I think a pigeon
just flew out of your car.

Yeah.

The windows
don't exactly roll up.

The car's
a piece of crap.

Why do you love it
so much?

You really
want to know?

I was two days out of
the academy, super nervous.

Saw this guy
run out of a bodega,

So I pursued him
on foot, 11 blocks.

Finally catch him,
cuff him,

Throw him up against
that car.

Turned out there was a for sale
sign in the window,

And, it being the best day
of my life, I bought it.

Thus began the debt.

Crushing debt.

Yeah, you do know me.

Nut?

Only if you throw it.

Ready?
Ready?

Mm-hmm.
Nice.

You ready?
Uh-huh.

[both laugh]

What are you doing?

Trying to catch it
in your nose?

[phone rings]
I got it, I got it,
I got it.

It's holt.
Keep practicing.

Okay.

Peralta.

Oh, good news, peralta.

I found someone
from the night shift

To relieve you
on your stakeout.

Ooh.
Still make times square.

Um...

You know, captain,
hold off on the relief team.

We're already here.

Plus I'm curious
to see what happens.

(holt)
okay, it's your call.

All right.

[sniffs]

What did holt want?

Just checking in.

How you doing?
Any progress?

Yep.
Watch.

The key is volume.
I see that.

(jake)
so be honest.

Were you really
gonna destroy my car?

No.
I was gonna drive it.

So I could learn stick.

You wouldn't.

I would.
Would've been, like,

[screeching noise]

No.
No!

Hey, hey!

(jake)
there's our guys.

What's the play here?

Just follow my lead.

Give me the ring.

Now give me some nuts.

I'm snacky.

All right, fine,
darling.

I'll ask him.
Will that make you happy?

(jake)
excuse me, sir.

We're kind of busy here.

Yeah, my girlfriend,
here, thinks we're lost.

No, I know we're lost.

I think he's an idiot.
Idiot?

In the middle
of the night, susan?

I was gonna
propose to you.

On the brooklyn bridge,
where we met.

Brooklyn bridge?

We met on
the manhattan bridge.

You know what?
This is over.

Say good-bye to the ring
and everything it represents.

[gasps]

You son of a bitch!

Hey, hey.
Stop yelling.

Hey, no one talks to susan
like that.

And you know what else?
On the ground! Nypd!
Nypd!

You're under arrest.

Nice work.

You too.

I'm sad y'all
are arresting me,

But I gotta say,
I'm glad you're back together.

Hey.
I need to talk to you.

Oh.
It's happening?

Remember when I took those
bullets for you?

Okay, let's do this.

I think you're sweet--

I didn't know
it was you.

When I jumped in front
of those bullets,

I didn't know
who I was protecting.

I just saw a gun
and an nypd vest,

And so
I dove on instinct.

You've been extra nice
to me

Because you thought
I'd risked my life for you.

But I only did
what every good cop would do.

When you finally
go out with me, and you will,

It'll be because
I do things

That only charles boyle
would do.

Um, actually,
I have a coat in here.

It's, uh--it's,
like--actually, I see it.

It's, like--it's blue--it's,
like, right--

Excellent job on the stakeout
last night.

I'm glad to see you two
still work well together

Despite that
ridiculous bet.

Thanks.
Me too.

And I appreciate your turning
down the relief team.

I'm not sure
they could've made that bust.

Yeah.
Right.

The relief team.

So...Sorry you lost so much
money last night.

Guess you can add it
to your list of bad dates.

Nah, it still goes on
the good date list.

You know, 'cause we caught
the bad guys.

That's very mature
of you.

Well,
I am very mature man.

(delivery man)
package for amy santiago.

Special delivery from
jake peralta to say,

"thanks for last night."

Oh, no.
I forgot to cancel.

♪ here I am

Cancel what?
Sir, you don't have to--

Okay.

Okay.
All right, so--

Uhh...Eugh!

Okay, no, no,
no, no, no.

All right, stepping in,
stepping in.

I'll take this bullet
for you.

Ugh. Hitchcock,
what are you doing?

I thought--aren't
we all gonna--no?

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.