Brockmire (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Caught in a Rundown - full transcript
After Jim ends up in the hospital, Charles has an intervention to stop Brockmire's destructive habits.
When I get nervous,
I have a little bit
of a drinking problem.
I have never seen you
sober.
Whitney:
This is not "under control."
This is the definition
of "out of control"!
[Retching]
You really think our actions
are meaningless?
[Screaming]
Oh, shit!
When you're really ready
to go down the rabbit hole,
call me.
[Dog barks in distance]
[Nicole clears throat,
bottle clinks]
[Indistinct conversations]
Hey.
You have chlamydia.
What?
I said,
"You have chlamydia."
How do you know?
Because you rawdogged me.
And I have chlamydia.
Excellent.
[Grunts]
Your place
is kind of gross.
Well, gee, I'm --
I'm real embarrassed about that,
uh, woman who just
gave me chlamydia.
Normally, I have
a surprisingly tidy,
young black man come in
and clean up after me,
but, um...
[Smacks lips]
You know, I realize that just
sounded like he was my servant.
He's not my servant.
Also just realized
that it sounded like
I'd be surprised
that a black man was tidy.
You know, I think
I'm at my most problematic
before I've had
my coffee.
Yeah.
What are you talking about?
[Toilet flushes in distance]
That's a good question.
[Sighs]
My roommate recently
moved out on me,
and I'm still adjusting
to that.
You know?
Doing pretty well overall.
Did I shit
over there in that corner?
No.
That was Rick.
Oh.
Seems like
a very nice young man.
Oh, you have syphilis.
You're welcome.
Maybe Rick does, too.
I don't remember
every little thing
that happened here
last night.
[Grunts]
I think
it's infected.
What?
That.
Shit.
The hell is that?
It's two lizards
69ing each other.
Well,
that's less than ideal.
Oh, boy.
Damn it.
Man.
Oh.
Does anyone know
where this guy keeps his drugs?
[Muffled, indistinct chatter]
[Monitor beeping steadily]
Hey.
Hi.
Oh,
Mr. Brockmire.
Oh, I hope you don't mind.
My students were hoping
to observe.
It's not every day they get
to see a case like this.
What,
you mean like a celebrity?
Sure.
Yeah, hey,
more, the merrier, right?
It might help us
if you could just take us
through
the last few weeks.
Well,
best I can remember,
I threw away my dream job,
and then I became
the focal point
for a national conversation
about race.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm that guy.
Just, you know,
out of curiosity,
how many of you
are on my side in all that?
Alright.
One, two.
And how many of you are on
that racist Art Newlie's side?
Really?!
Wow.
I mean, I know this
is the South and everything,
but y'all, you're
highly educated
medical doctors.
You're not ashamed
to admit that in public?
Well...
Let's get back
to you.
Well, I have definitely been
in a cycle of blacking out
and waking up
in very strange places lately.
Recently came to
at a strip club
as it was closing.
It wasn't late --
just the health inspector
had walked in
and shut the place down.
After that,
I remember waking up
next to a young lady
with very few inhibitions
and quite a lot
of chlamydia.
But, well,
you probably know that, right?
You got my chart
right there.
You -- You actually have
two strains of chlamydia --
one on your penis
and one in your throat.
Is that what I'm tasting?
Oh, Rick, you sneaky bastard.
Well,
you also have liver damage...
Ugh.
...blunt-force trauma,
and scurvy,
which is actually
why we're all here.
This is the only case
we'll ever get to see
outside of a textbook.
Scurvy, huh?
It's that why my --
my teeth are getting loose?
I was just hoping that my gums
were getting more flexible.
Well, I always have
referred to orange juice
as a glass of vodka wasted,
so, uh...
I guess scurvy
makes sense.
[Telephone rings]
Can I talk to you
a minute?
Yeah.
So, what is your relationship
with the patient?
His, uh,
ex-business partner.
You didn't have that
on the thing,
so I just wrote it in.
Don't worry. I'll make sure
he gets home safe.
No, no, no,
no, no, no.
He shouldn't
be going anywhere,
not in his condition.
What's wrong with him,
exactly?
Honestly?
Everything.
His body is literally
shutting down,
and if your friend does not
stop drinking, and soon,
your friend
is gonna die.
I should not
have left him alone.
Okay.
I'll take care of everything.
I'll make sure
he does not leave my...sight.
[Sighs]
Have you seen
a bottle of champagne?
The old man next door swears
that he brought it in
to celebrate
his new grandson.
[P.A. system beeps]
Man: Doctor on call, dial ER.
Doctor on call, dial ER.
Well, I want to thank
everyone for being here.
Jean, you have some experience
with interventions 'cause...
-Because I was
a filthy drunk.
It's okay.
You can say it.
Nature and nurture both pushed
me and Jim towards the bottle,
but now, I have
the tools to help him.
-What made you
get sober, Jean?
-At my intervention,
when it was my husband Norm's
turn to speak,
he said,
"Stop, Jean, please."
Now, Norm doesn't normally
carry on like that,
so it cut me to the bone.
I'm really nervous,
you guys.
Jim is so good at turning
an argument against you.
-[Scoffs]
-Word.
-That's true.
I once apologized
for the skidmarks
on his underwear.
That's why I had each of you
write a letter to read from,
so it isn't
a conversation.
You get to say
everything you need to.
Now, I suggest you start
with an "I feel" sentence.
Okay, okay.
I feel like there's a lot
of love in this room right now.
No, start with something
that's not quite that stupid.
Okay, guys.
You know, it's almost 11:00.
We should really go.
Actually,
we shouldn't go anywhere.
Three...two...one.
[Door opens]
Jack, my friend,
give me a lunchtime special.
Why don't you make it a double?
Throw it on the rocks --
little change of pace.
Jim.
Charles.
This is
an intervention.
Oh, Charles,
you clever, little S.O.B.
My goodness.
Look at you all.
Guess I'm trapped, huh?
No sense chewing off
my own leg here.
[Chuckles]
Who knows?
Maybe the eighth time
will be the charm.
[Chuckling] Oh, boy.
Well, I got to say.
Seeing y'all come together
like this, trying to save me
from the self-destructive spiral
that I'm in, it's --
I'm underwhelmed.
Oh, come on, Jim!
Jim.
I'm just saying,
when they throw
an intervention for you
in the Philippines,
they put out a spread, you know?
Some adobo,
a full pot of bulalo,
a couple of trays
of pastillas de leche.
Last intervention I was at,
they roasted a pig,
an entire pig.
Hey, that takes eight hours.
You know, I came for the pig,
I stayed for the intervention.
I mean, no,
I had to at that point.
I was, uh -- I was
pig-committed, as they say.
What have you guys got here?
Bagels.
Okay.
'Cause, yeah,
that's what New Orleans
is known for.
Let me ask you a question.
How the hell
did Raj make the cut?
I love you, too, bro.
Well, our biggest guest
hasn't even made it yet.
Oh, boy.
Charles:
Look who's Skyping in.
What the hell is this?
Oh! Joe Buck,
ladies and gentlemen.
Ta-da!
Hey, everyone.
Let's get Jim healthy.
[Scoffs]
Are you seriously not even
remotely impressed?
Not even a little bit.
Joe Buck's schedule alone
was a nightmare.
Joe Buck is not here, Charlie.
You understand that?
It's just his gigantic head
staring at me on the screen
like the darkest version
of "1984."
Hey, I'm calling
a senior LPGA skins game today,
but I carved out time for you
because I care and...
Hold on.
And welcome back
to French Lick Resort,
the jewel here
in Southeastern Indiana
where dozens
of silver-haired ladies
are duking it out...
I'll find a way to mute
Joe Buck in a second.
Just --
No, wait.
I actually want to see this.
I got 200 bucks
on Barb Moxness.
Come on, Jim.
Take this seriously!
We are all very worried
about you.
So sit your ass down,
get ready to take
a goddamn moral inventory,
you ungrateful
piece of shit.
Ooh.
You see why I can't stay, right?
Jim!
All I ask
is that you give this a try.
As a favor to you.
You could literally die
if you don't.
Learn how to accept
a favor, okay?
Just -- Just --
Okay?
Thank you.
Gonna have a bagel.
No cream cheese? Really?
Are you kidding?
Alright. I'll eat it dry.
Tastes like a Nerf ball.
[Sighs]
Lucy,
you want to start us off?
[Sighing] Okay.
Hi, Jim.
[Chuckles nervously]
This is really hard.
I'm here today to say
I love you.
Well, thank you, Lucy.
You know, I-I hear that,
and-- and I accept it.
That means a lot to me.
But I also came here
to tell you
how your drinking has hurt me
in the following ways.
Nope. I hurt you? Excuse me.
I hurt you? Are you kidding me?
'Cause you know what hurt me?
No, when you were dildo-deep
in our neighbor's asshole.
Jim!
Little too much?
I do apologize.
I'm sorry.
Intervene away.
We would end up
at the stripper's houseboat
drinking mezcal
from her shoe.
[Chuckles] It was
the best night of my life!
[Laughs]
Uh, I think Uribe
did this wrong.
[Scoffs]
3,426 days --
that's how long I've been sober.
Each day is just as hard
as the last, maybe harder.
Every day, a part of me wants
to drink again.
Every morning,
I wake up and I wonder,
"Today, will I embrace
step seven
and ask for help
to overcome my shortcomings,
or will I kiss
my miserable children goodbye,
lock myself in the garage,
and take down 40 ounces
of drug-store vodka
before lunch?"
♪♪
I can almost taste it.
♪♪
Hey, guys.
I hope you don't mind.
I had them put mine
in teleprompter.
Eye contact is how I tend
to connect with my audience.
Jim, I thought
it only appropriate
to start with a quote
by the great Maya Angelou.
"Love recognizes no barriers.
It jumps hurdles,
it leaps fence--"
Anybody object
to me putting a bullet
in the head of whatever
the hell that was about to be?
Together: No.
Jim, you've been a mentor,
a hero, a rival, a friend.
But through it all,
there's been one thing
that I have really,
really wanted to say to you.
♪♪
Milwaukee just hired me.
[Paper rustles]
Fuck you,
you goddamn vampire,
you wrinkly has-been!
I'm a Major League broadcaster!"
[Growls]
[Laughs]
[Laughs]
Hey?
Holy shit,
that's a good bit.
Damn it, Raj.
Yes. Yes.
[Chuckling] I didn't know
you had that in you.
Oh, man.
Look at that.
You did win me over in the end.
Good for you.
I told you I would.
I wasn't sure,
but we just did it.
Don't change, Jim.
Good luck
in Milwaukee.
So, that's it?
Huh?
Well, that was --
that was your whole thing?
Yeah, yep.
That's pretty much all I got.
Hey.
Jean: And now our father's
in the ground.
He's dead.
I've been thinking a lot
about that.
Not because I miss him.
I don't. He was a prick.
But because [Sighs] now I know
what it would feel like
to bury
someone I did care about.
Someone like you.
And I'm not ready
for that yet.
♪♪
Uribe parties
because he love life.
You do it because you hate it.
♪♪
I think part of you
is happy I cheated on you
because now,
you don't have to hide it.
You get a free pass to drink
as much as you want forever.
But I'm asking you not to, Jim.
♪♪
You just...
You just came back into my life,
and I don't want
to lose you again.
Look, I know this is hard
to hear, but it's important.
[Slurping]
Wait a minute.
Are you --
Are you drinking
right now?!
Now, don't make this
a thing, alright?
Oh, my God.
We should have known.
How could you drink
at your own intervention?
Well, if you didn't want
me to drink,
you shouldn't have held
my intervention in a bar.
Although, to be fair,
if I couldn't drink,
there's no way I would have
stayed for this,
so good call
holding it in a bar, Charles.
In fact,
I could use another round.
Who's with me here?
No! No!
No more drinking.
Then can we at least skip
the lame opening acts
and get right
to the main attraction, please?
See, Charles knows
the only shot in hell
that this has
of actually working
is if he brings in Jules
as a surprise closer,
so can we bring her out?
Jules? Hello? Help me!
Jules isn't here.
I invited her,
told her to come down.
She said no,
said it wasn't gonna work.
-Well --
-Apparently she was right.
Yeah, well,
what'd you expect?
You brought me into a room
full of addicts, Charles.
I mean --
-We're not addicts.
Oh, really?
What if I told you you, uh,
couldn't have sex again?
Today?
I guess --
I guess that would be hard.
Yeah, I guess.
Look, we all have our own
little coping mechanisms
to get through
this charnel house called life,
alright?
Lucy has to have sex with every
single person that she meets.
Pedro staves off oblivion
through constant
and relentless procreation.
Oye, papi,
that's a stretch, okay?
You have 14 children.
And hopefully, 15, okay,
because Uribe has been painting
Polly's uterine wall
with at least three coats
a day, papi.
Jim, nobody's perfect.
That's why step 10
has us continually taking --
You're addicted to the 12 steps!
You understand that?
Course I am,
you arrogant prick.
That's how they work.
[Scoffs]
Raj, hi.
Raj.
He's so desperate
to please every, single person
that he meets
that despite
being a very polite man,
he just flipped me off
at my own intervention
because he thought
that I might find it amusing.
But you did like it,
though, right?
Yeah, it was great.
Joe Buck, if he were here,
I would tell him
that he has to say yes to every
single gig that he is offered
because God forbid the man
should be alone
with his own thoughts
for a second and a half.
But instead of attending,
he's off proving that point
by calling women's senior golf
for Fox Sports Online!
And Charles, God damn it,
let's not forget how you --
Hey! Hey! Hello?! --
how you betrayed me
by leaving to do
this podcast thing of yours.
which, you know,
I gotta tell ya..
[Sighing]
...is a smart play.
Good for you.
Seriously.
It breaks this destructive
pattern you're in
of putting everybody's needs
in front of your own,
especially mine, okay?
I guess
unlike everybody else
in this little circle
of adult dysfunction,
you seem
to be actually growing,
so go ahead,
say your thing,
then, you know, we can all order
a drink before happy hour ends.
[Inhales deeply]
[Sighs]
Okay, come o--
Charles?
[Door opens]
Don't do that.
[Sighs]
[Door closes]
You happy?
No, I hope you're happy.
You mad Charles sad!
Great.
Had to have
an intervention for Jim.
God damn it.
I mean,
the best part
is that I get to work
with Bob Uecker.
I mean, I don't know
much about baseball,
but I can tell you this.
I do know who the dad
from "Mr. Belvedere" is.
I mean,
this dude is like the original
sports-entertainment
crossover star.
He was Strahan
before Strahan.
Did you know
that Uribe --
I spent my best years
in Milwaukee?
Word?
Mm.
Well, what's it like?
Mm.
The whole town smells
like beer farts, man.
Sometimes, I have to learn
that not all boundaries are bad.
Maybe Jim's right.
[Scoffs]
Maybe I do have a problem.
That is the worst thing
about Jim.
He's always
a little bit right.
He knows just what to say
to make you question yourself,
but also, try keeping
your cooch in your pants
just a few days a week.
[Door opens]
See what happens.
Oh! You're late.
I had to get a ride from my dad.
Charles.
Hey!
Come on, Charles.
What, are you mad I stopped
and got a roadie? Come on.
'Cause I'm what's known
as a --
I'm a functional alcoholic.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, really?
What's your function?
I-I --
Because it used to be calling
games for the Major Leagues,
but that's gone now.
You used to get
sober enough to call games,
and now there's nothing
to slow you down.
What about a podcast, huh?
Now, I know we were
very angry with each other
when I got back
from Atlanta,
but there's no reason for us
to stop that thing, Charles.
We got a good thing
going there.
We can use it as a platform
to launch a new,
um, network dealy.
That is the logical
thing to do, yes.
And I will do it...
if you do this.
"Sobertunities
Clean Leaving Center"?
I've already set everything up.
All you have to do is call.
Oh, God, Ch--
Friends don't
hand friends cards
to horribly named
rehab facilities, okay?
Actually, that is exactly
what friends do, okay?
I can't make you call them.
I know that.
But if you don't call,
I'm never speaking
to you again.
Aw, come on. What are you,
serious with this shit?
Yes, I am.
Okay?
Goodbye, podcast.
Goodbye, you and me, forever.
Okay?
That is,
unless you get sober.
Unless I get sober.
Yeah.
And it's -- Part of it's
my fault. I know that.
I've been enabling you.
We have a codependent
relationship.
[Groans] Where'd you pick up
language like that, God damn it?
I went to a few
Al-Anon meetings.
Oh, no,
you didn't, Charles.
The only thing worse
than the program
is the program
about the program, okay?
And there's nothing wrong
with codependency, alright?
It just lets you and me work
through my problems together.
Quit dicking around!
Jim.
If you don't stop drinking,
you are going to die.
[Sighs, snores]
Just stop. Plea--
Why won't you stop?!
Why is this
such a problem for you?!
People only like me
when I am drunk, Charles, okay?
You know it's true.
You did the focus testing.
It's science, right?
Yes, alright.
Everything bad
in my life happened
because of my drinking --
Okay.
Also, everything good
in my life, alright?
First game I ever called
in Kansas City,
had to do four shots of whiskey
to calm my nerves, alright?
I was blackout drunk
for George Brett's 3,000th hit.
They still play that call
at the Baseball Hall of Fame.
Jules, she's the love
of my life, right?
That relationship
was built on drinking!
Okay, I don't know
who the hell I would be
if I was sober, Charles.
But I do know nobody would
give a shit about that guy,
whoever he is.
I would.
[Sighs]
And I hope one day
I get to meet him.
But, until then,
goodbye, Jim.
"Goodbye, Jim."
Okay, well,
fuck you, Charles.
Okay? My back was sore from
carrying you around, anyway.
And you know what?!
Your parents were right
about you!
You are a very selfish
young man,
and you are destined
to fail with that attitude!
Go on!
Get out of here!
Brush you off like dandruff!
[Horn honks in distance]
[Sighs]
Oh, shit.
[Scoffs]
[Sighs]
Unbelievable.
Yeah, this is Jim Brockmire.
Um, I'm ready to, uh...
Well, where am I supposed to go?
Your -- Your card doesn't have
an address on it.
[Crow caws]
♪♪
♪♪
Hello?
Woman: Hello again!
I wasn't sure you'd call.
Well,
when everybody around you
is telling you
to hit the brakes,
you kind of want
to be with somebody
who sees
nothing but green lights.
[Chuckles]
♪♪
[Lighter clicks]
-[Exhales]
You want a turn?
-Oh, right now,
this is exactly what I want.
♪♪
[Lighter clicks]
♪♪
[Smacks lips]
Is this crack or meth?
I have a little bit
of a drinking problem.
I have never seen you
sober.
Whitney:
This is not "under control."
This is the definition
of "out of control"!
[Retching]
You really think our actions
are meaningless?
[Screaming]
Oh, shit!
When you're really ready
to go down the rabbit hole,
call me.
[Dog barks in distance]
[Nicole clears throat,
bottle clinks]
[Indistinct conversations]
Hey.
You have chlamydia.
What?
I said,
"You have chlamydia."
How do you know?
Because you rawdogged me.
And I have chlamydia.
Excellent.
[Grunts]
Your place
is kind of gross.
Well, gee, I'm --
I'm real embarrassed about that,
uh, woman who just
gave me chlamydia.
Normally, I have
a surprisingly tidy,
young black man come in
and clean up after me,
but, um...
[Smacks lips]
You know, I realize that just
sounded like he was my servant.
He's not my servant.
Also just realized
that it sounded like
I'd be surprised
that a black man was tidy.
You know, I think
I'm at my most problematic
before I've had
my coffee.
Yeah.
What are you talking about?
[Toilet flushes in distance]
That's a good question.
[Sighs]
My roommate recently
moved out on me,
and I'm still adjusting
to that.
You know?
Doing pretty well overall.
Did I shit
over there in that corner?
No.
That was Rick.
Oh.
Seems like
a very nice young man.
Oh, you have syphilis.
You're welcome.
Maybe Rick does, too.
I don't remember
every little thing
that happened here
last night.
[Grunts]
I think
it's infected.
What?
That.
Shit.
The hell is that?
It's two lizards
69ing each other.
Well,
that's less than ideal.
Oh, boy.
Damn it.
Man.
Oh.
Does anyone know
where this guy keeps his drugs?
[Muffled, indistinct chatter]
[Monitor beeping steadily]
Hey.
Hi.
Oh,
Mr. Brockmire.
Oh, I hope you don't mind.
My students were hoping
to observe.
It's not every day they get
to see a case like this.
What,
you mean like a celebrity?
Sure.
Yeah, hey,
more, the merrier, right?
It might help us
if you could just take us
through
the last few weeks.
Well,
best I can remember,
I threw away my dream job,
and then I became
the focal point
for a national conversation
about race.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm that guy.
Just, you know,
out of curiosity,
how many of you
are on my side in all that?
Alright.
One, two.
And how many of you are on
that racist Art Newlie's side?
Really?!
Wow.
I mean, I know this
is the South and everything,
but y'all, you're
highly educated
medical doctors.
You're not ashamed
to admit that in public?
Well...
Let's get back
to you.
Well, I have definitely been
in a cycle of blacking out
and waking up
in very strange places lately.
Recently came to
at a strip club
as it was closing.
It wasn't late --
just the health inspector
had walked in
and shut the place down.
After that,
I remember waking up
next to a young lady
with very few inhibitions
and quite a lot
of chlamydia.
But, well,
you probably know that, right?
You got my chart
right there.
You -- You actually have
two strains of chlamydia --
one on your penis
and one in your throat.
Is that what I'm tasting?
Oh, Rick, you sneaky bastard.
Well,
you also have liver damage...
Ugh.
...blunt-force trauma,
and scurvy,
which is actually
why we're all here.
This is the only case
we'll ever get to see
outside of a textbook.
Scurvy, huh?
It's that why my --
my teeth are getting loose?
I was just hoping that my gums
were getting more flexible.
Well, I always have
referred to orange juice
as a glass of vodka wasted,
so, uh...
I guess scurvy
makes sense.
[Telephone rings]
Can I talk to you
a minute?
Yeah.
So, what is your relationship
with the patient?
His, uh,
ex-business partner.
You didn't have that
on the thing,
so I just wrote it in.
Don't worry. I'll make sure
he gets home safe.
No, no, no,
no, no, no.
He shouldn't
be going anywhere,
not in his condition.
What's wrong with him,
exactly?
Honestly?
Everything.
His body is literally
shutting down,
and if your friend does not
stop drinking, and soon,
your friend
is gonna die.
I should not
have left him alone.
Okay.
I'll take care of everything.
I'll make sure
he does not leave my...sight.
[Sighs]
Have you seen
a bottle of champagne?
The old man next door swears
that he brought it in
to celebrate
his new grandson.
[P.A. system beeps]
Man: Doctor on call, dial ER.
Doctor on call, dial ER.
Well, I want to thank
everyone for being here.
Jean, you have some experience
with interventions 'cause...
-Because I was
a filthy drunk.
It's okay.
You can say it.
Nature and nurture both pushed
me and Jim towards the bottle,
but now, I have
the tools to help him.
-What made you
get sober, Jean?
-At my intervention,
when it was my husband Norm's
turn to speak,
he said,
"Stop, Jean, please."
Now, Norm doesn't normally
carry on like that,
so it cut me to the bone.
I'm really nervous,
you guys.
Jim is so good at turning
an argument against you.
-[Scoffs]
-Word.
-That's true.
I once apologized
for the skidmarks
on his underwear.
That's why I had each of you
write a letter to read from,
so it isn't
a conversation.
You get to say
everything you need to.
Now, I suggest you start
with an "I feel" sentence.
Okay, okay.
I feel like there's a lot
of love in this room right now.
No, start with something
that's not quite that stupid.
Okay, guys.
You know, it's almost 11:00.
We should really go.
Actually,
we shouldn't go anywhere.
Three...two...one.
[Door opens]
Jack, my friend,
give me a lunchtime special.
Why don't you make it a double?
Throw it on the rocks --
little change of pace.
Jim.
Charles.
This is
an intervention.
Oh, Charles,
you clever, little S.O.B.
My goodness.
Look at you all.
Guess I'm trapped, huh?
No sense chewing off
my own leg here.
[Chuckles]
Who knows?
Maybe the eighth time
will be the charm.
[Chuckling] Oh, boy.
Well, I got to say.
Seeing y'all come together
like this, trying to save me
from the self-destructive spiral
that I'm in, it's --
I'm underwhelmed.
Oh, come on, Jim!
Jim.
I'm just saying,
when they throw
an intervention for you
in the Philippines,
they put out a spread, you know?
Some adobo,
a full pot of bulalo,
a couple of trays
of pastillas de leche.
Last intervention I was at,
they roasted a pig,
an entire pig.
Hey, that takes eight hours.
You know, I came for the pig,
I stayed for the intervention.
I mean, no,
I had to at that point.
I was, uh -- I was
pig-committed, as they say.
What have you guys got here?
Bagels.
Okay.
'Cause, yeah,
that's what New Orleans
is known for.
Let me ask you a question.
How the hell
did Raj make the cut?
I love you, too, bro.
Well, our biggest guest
hasn't even made it yet.
Oh, boy.
Charles:
Look who's Skyping in.
What the hell is this?
Oh! Joe Buck,
ladies and gentlemen.
Ta-da!
Hey, everyone.
Let's get Jim healthy.
[Scoffs]
Are you seriously not even
remotely impressed?
Not even a little bit.
Joe Buck's schedule alone
was a nightmare.
Joe Buck is not here, Charlie.
You understand that?
It's just his gigantic head
staring at me on the screen
like the darkest version
of "1984."
Hey, I'm calling
a senior LPGA skins game today,
but I carved out time for you
because I care and...
Hold on.
And welcome back
to French Lick Resort,
the jewel here
in Southeastern Indiana
where dozens
of silver-haired ladies
are duking it out...
I'll find a way to mute
Joe Buck in a second.
Just --
No, wait.
I actually want to see this.
I got 200 bucks
on Barb Moxness.
Come on, Jim.
Take this seriously!
We are all very worried
about you.
So sit your ass down,
get ready to take
a goddamn moral inventory,
you ungrateful
piece of shit.
Ooh.
You see why I can't stay, right?
Jim!
All I ask
is that you give this a try.
As a favor to you.
You could literally die
if you don't.
Learn how to accept
a favor, okay?
Just -- Just --
Okay?
Thank you.
Gonna have a bagel.
No cream cheese? Really?
Are you kidding?
Alright. I'll eat it dry.
Tastes like a Nerf ball.
[Sighs]
Lucy,
you want to start us off?
[Sighing] Okay.
Hi, Jim.
[Chuckles nervously]
This is really hard.
I'm here today to say
I love you.
Well, thank you, Lucy.
You know, I-I hear that,
and-- and I accept it.
That means a lot to me.
But I also came here
to tell you
how your drinking has hurt me
in the following ways.
Nope. I hurt you? Excuse me.
I hurt you? Are you kidding me?
'Cause you know what hurt me?
No, when you were dildo-deep
in our neighbor's asshole.
Jim!
Little too much?
I do apologize.
I'm sorry.
Intervene away.
We would end up
at the stripper's houseboat
drinking mezcal
from her shoe.
[Chuckles] It was
the best night of my life!
[Laughs]
Uh, I think Uribe
did this wrong.
[Scoffs]
3,426 days --
that's how long I've been sober.
Each day is just as hard
as the last, maybe harder.
Every day, a part of me wants
to drink again.
Every morning,
I wake up and I wonder,
"Today, will I embrace
step seven
and ask for help
to overcome my shortcomings,
or will I kiss
my miserable children goodbye,
lock myself in the garage,
and take down 40 ounces
of drug-store vodka
before lunch?"
♪♪
I can almost taste it.
♪♪
Hey, guys.
I hope you don't mind.
I had them put mine
in teleprompter.
Eye contact is how I tend
to connect with my audience.
Jim, I thought
it only appropriate
to start with a quote
by the great Maya Angelou.
"Love recognizes no barriers.
It jumps hurdles,
it leaps fence--"
Anybody object
to me putting a bullet
in the head of whatever
the hell that was about to be?
Together: No.
Jim, you've been a mentor,
a hero, a rival, a friend.
But through it all,
there's been one thing
that I have really,
really wanted to say to you.
♪♪
Milwaukee just hired me.
[Paper rustles]
Fuck you,
you goddamn vampire,
you wrinkly has-been!
I'm a Major League broadcaster!"
[Growls]
[Laughs]
[Laughs]
Hey?
Holy shit,
that's a good bit.
Damn it, Raj.
Yes. Yes.
[Chuckling] I didn't know
you had that in you.
Oh, man.
Look at that.
You did win me over in the end.
Good for you.
I told you I would.
I wasn't sure,
but we just did it.
Don't change, Jim.
Good luck
in Milwaukee.
So, that's it?
Huh?
Well, that was --
that was your whole thing?
Yeah, yep.
That's pretty much all I got.
Hey.
Jean: And now our father's
in the ground.
He's dead.
I've been thinking a lot
about that.
Not because I miss him.
I don't. He was a prick.
But because [Sighs] now I know
what it would feel like
to bury
someone I did care about.
Someone like you.
And I'm not ready
for that yet.
♪♪
Uribe parties
because he love life.
You do it because you hate it.
♪♪
I think part of you
is happy I cheated on you
because now,
you don't have to hide it.
You get a free pass to drink
as much as you want forever.
But I'm asking you not to, Jim.
♪♪
You just...
You just came back into my life,
and I don't want
to lose you again.
Look, I know this is hard
to hear, but it's important.
[Slurping]
Wait a minute.
Are you --
Are you drinking
right now?!
Now, don't make this
a thing, alright?
Oh, my God.
We should have known.
How could you drink
at your own intervention?
Well, if you didn't want
me to drink,
you shouldn't have held
my intervention in a bar.
Although, to be fair,
if I couldn't drink,
there's no way I would have
stayed for this,
so good call
holding it in a bar, Charles.
In fact,
I could use another round.
Who's with me here?
No! No!
No more drinking.
Then can we at least skip
the lame opening acts
and get right
to the main attraction, please?
See, Charles knows
the only shot in hell
that this has
of actually working
is if he brings in Jules
as a surprise closer,
so can we bring her out?
Jules? Hello? Help me!
Jules isn't here.
I invited her,
told her to come down.
She said no,
said it wasn't gonna work.
-Well --
-Apparently she was right.
Yeah, well,
what'd you expect?
You brought me into a room
full of addicts, Charles.
I mean --
-We're not addicts.
Oh, really?
What if I told you you, uh,
couldn't have sex again?
Today?
I guess --
I guess that would be hard.
Yeah, I guess.
Look, we all have our own
little coping mechanisms
to get through
this charnel house called life,
alright?
Lucy has to have sex with every
single person that she meets.
Pedro staves off oblivion
through constant
and relentless procreation.
Oye, papi,
that's a stretch, okay?
You have 14 children.
And hopefully, 15, okay,
because Uribe has been painting
Polly's uterine wall
with at least three coats
a day, papi.
Jim, nobody's perfect.
That's why step 10
has us continually taking --
You're addicted to the 12 steps!
You understand that?
Course I am,
you arrogant prick.
That's how they work.
[Scoffs]
Raj, hi.
Raj.
He's so desperate
to please every, single person
that he meets
that despite
being a very polite man,
he just flipped me off
at my own intervention
because he thought
that I might find it amusing.
But you did like it,
though, right?
Yeah, it was great.
Joe Buck, if he were here,
I would tell him
that he has to say yes to every
single gig that he is offered
because God forbid the man
should be alone
with his own thoughts
for a second and a half.
But instead of attending,
he's off proving that point
by calling women's senior golf
for Fox Sports Online!
And Charles, God damn it,
let's not forget how you --
Hey! Hey! Hello?! --
how you betrayed me
by leaving to do
this podcast thing of yours.
which, you know,
I gotta tell ya..
[Sighing]
...is a smart play.
Good for you.
Seriously.
It breaks this destructive
pattern you're in
of putting everybody's needs
in front of your own,
especially mine, okay?
I guess
unlike everybody else
in this little circle
of adult dysfunction,
you seem
to be actually growing,
so go ahead,
say your thing,
then, you know, we can all order
a drink before happy hour ends.
[Inhales deeply]
[Sighs]
Okay, come o--
Charles?
[Door opens]
Don't do that.
[Sighs]
[Door closes]
You happy?
No, I hope you're happy.
You mad Charles sad!
Great.
Had to have
an intervention for Jim.
God damn it.
I mean,
the best part
is that I get to work
with Bob Uecker.
I mean, I don't know
much about baseball,
but I can tell you this.
I do know who the dad
from "Mr. Belvedere" is.
I mean,
this dude is like the original
sports-entertainment
crossover star.
He was Strahan
before Strahan.
Did you know
that Uribe --
I spent my best years
in Milwaukee?
Word?
Mm.
Well, what's it like?
Mm.
The whole town smells
like beer farts, man.
Sometimes, I have to learn
that not all boundaries are bad.
Maybe Jim's right.
[Scoffs]
Maybe I do have a problem.
That is the worst thing
about Jim.
He's always
a little bit right.
He knows just what to say
to make you question yourself,
but also, try keeping
your cooch in your pants
just a few days a week.
[Door opens]
See what happens.
Oh! You're late.
I had to get a ride from my dad.
Charles.
Hey!
Come on, Charles.
What, are you mad I stopped
and got a roadie? Come on.
'Cause I'm what's known
as a --
I'm a functional alcoholic.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, really?
What's your function?
I-I --
Because it used to be calling
games for the Major Leagues,
but that's gone now.
You used to get
sober enough to call games,
and now there's nothing
to slow you down.
What about a podcast, huh?
Now, I know we were
very angry with each other
when I got back
from Atlanta,
but there's no reason for us
to stop that thing, Charles.
We got a good thing
going there.
We can use it as a platform
to launch a new,
um, network dealy.
That is the logical
thing to do, yes.
And I will do it...
if you do this.
"Sobertunities
Clean Leaving Center"?
I've already set everything up.
All you have to do is call.
Oh, God, Ch--
Friends don't
hand friends cards
to horribly named
rehab facilities, okay?
Actually, that is exactly
what friends do, okay?
I can't make you call them.
I know that.
But if you don't call,
I'm never speaking
to you again.
Aw, come on. What are you,
serious with this shit?
Yes, I am.
Okay?
Goodbye, podcast.
Goodbye, you and me, forever.
Okay?
That is,
unless you get sober.
Unless I get sober.
Yeah.
And it's -- Part of it's
my fault. I know that.
I've been enabling you.
We have a codependent
relationship.
[Groans] Where'd you pick up
language like that, God damn it?
I went to a few
Al-Anon meetings.
Oh, no,
you didn't, Charles.
The only thing worse
than the program
is the program
about the program, okay?
And there's nothing wrong
with codependency, alright?
It just lets you and me work
through my problems together.
Quit dicking around!
Jim.
If you don't stop drinking,
you are going to die.
[Sighs, snores]
Just stop. Plea--
Why won't you stop?!
Why is this
such a problem for you?!
People only like me
when I am drunk, Charles, okay?
You know it's true.
You did the focus testing.
It's science, right?
Yes, alright.
Everything bad
in my life happened
because of my drinking --
Okay.
Also, everything good
in my life, alright?
First game I ever called
in Kansas City,
had to do four shots of whiskey
to calm my nerves, alright?
I was blackout drunk
for George Brett's 3,000th hit.
They still play that call
at the Baseball Hall of Fame.
Jules, she's the love
of my life, right?
That relationship
was built on drinking!
Okay, I don't know
who the hell I would be
if I was sober, Charles.
But I do know nobody would
give a shit about that guy,
whoever he is.
I would.
[Sighs]
And I hope one day
I get to meet him.
But, until then,
goodbye, Jim.
"Goodbye, Jim."
Okay, well,
fuck you, Charles.
Okay? My back was sore from
carrying you around, anyway.
And you know what?!
Your parents were right
about you!
You are a very selfish
young man,
and you are destined
to fail with that attitude!
Go on!
Get out of here!
Brush you off like dandruff!
[Horn honks in distance]
[Sighs]
Oh, shit.
[Scoffs]
[Sighs]
Unbelievable.
Yeah, this is Jim Brockmire.
Um, I'm ready to, uh...
Well, where am I supposed to go?
Your -- Your card doesn't have
an address on it.
[Crow caws]
♪♪
♪♪
Hello?
Woman: Hello again!
I wasn't sure you'd call.
Well,
when everybody around you
is telling you
to hit the brakes,
you kind of want
to be with somebody
who sees
nothing but green lights.
[Chuckles]
♪♪
[Lighter clicks]
-[Exhales]
You want a turn?
-Oh, right now,
this is exactly what I want.
♪♪
[Lighter clicks]
♪♪
[Smacks lips]
Is this crack or meth?