Brockmire (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - In the Cellar - full transcript

You're either a Michael,
a Fredo, or a Sonny.

I'm going to mix us up
some things here.

Oh! I love what you've done
with what's left of the place.

I always thought
I was a Michael,

but [Chuckles] clearly,
I'm a Sonny.

I'm gonna mix us up
some things here.

Smoking crack
on a marble floor,

it just -- it adds
a "last days of Rome" vibe

to the whole enterprise.
[Sniffs]

Clearly, I'm a Sonny.

I mean, I self-destruct,
I'm easily provoked,



and can't handle the big job
because I cannot handle myself.

I'm also always had a lot
of trouble at toll booths.

[Glasses clink]

What's your story anyway?

It's the story of cruelty,
greed, and death.

Yeah, that's gonna be
a hard pass.

Only Dickens could make

that kind of a tale amusing.
[Lighter clicks]

You know what
the key was to that?

Silly names.

Abject poverty
in the Industrial Age

goes down a lot smoother

when it's happening
to Sweedlepipe Chuzzlewit.

Shut up!



Shut up!

Shut up!

[Bottle topper pops,
lighter clicks]

Well...
[Chuckles]

Fix -- Oh!

[Blows landing]
Kick him in the dick!

Kick him in the dick!
Kick him in the dick!

You take things too far.
Do you know that?

Are you tired of it?

Tired of always calling a game
that you never actually play?

[Scoffs]

[Chuckling]
Oh!

Batter up!
Batter up!

Batter up!
Batter up, bitch.

Whoo-hoo!

[Laughs]

[Bottle topper pops,
glasses clink]

[Lighter clicks]

♪♪

I want you to fuck me
on the front row!

And I want you
to lock eyes

with the saddest dad
you can find --

one that only has visitation
on the weekends.

Oh, I really wish that hadn't
just gotten me hard.

[Laughs]
[Chuckles]

♪♪

Papa Stinker:
There's nothing in the Little
Bear League rule book

that says skunks
can't play baseball.

Pipsqueak:
Papa Stinker's right!
Play ball!

♪♪

Jim: Boy, I really want
to find out

what happened at the end
of "Little Stinkers 2."

They threw us out of there
before we could find out
who won the big game.

[Lighter clicks]
I mean, you assume

it's going to be the Stinkers,
but you don't know.

You know, they already
greenlit part three.

I mean, uh, could be
an "Empire Strikes Back"
kind of a situation.

This is a franchise
that takes chances.

I mean, nobody saw
the death of Susie Stinker

coming at the end of part one,
but, uh, they went there.

Have to get something special
from the bedroom.

Ooh,
if you want to go again,

I'm gonna need
a little bit more downtime.

You know, anal really takes
the lead out of my pencil.

And my Viagra contact

moved back to, uh, uh, uh,
uh, um...

I have something else
in mind.

Oh.
[Chuckles]

[Chuckling] What?

Life is meaningless chaos.

The only control
you ever have

is when you create
some of your own!

[Laughs]
Oh.

Okay.

[Laughs]

[Chuckles]

Uh-oh.

You ready to go crazy?!

I am.

I just found
some random pills

in the secret, little
drug pocket of my pants here.

Boy, I have no idea
what these are.

Well...

[Exhales sharply, chuckles]

You ready
for an adventure?!

Yes.

♪♪

Oh, we are definitely not
on the same page

about how to spend
this evening.

Mnh-mnh.
Hmm.

[Echoed booing]

Okay, I'm about
as all-American as they come.

I love baseball, hot dogs,
apple pie, rye whiskey.

I never got into handguns,
though.

-Let's play
Russian roulette.

-Oh, my God. Jesus.

I thought you were
gonna murder me.

I mean, no,
you understand, right?

You give off
a really murdery vibe.

-[Inhales sharply]

-Oh, God.
You know what?

No.
I'm gonna say no to this.

Come on.

Because as much as I might
hate my life -- and I do --

I don't really want
to end it quite yet.

Don't you?

I've watched you choose death
every day you've been here.

I'm just suggesting
we pick up the pace.

Yeah, this is -- this is fast
enough for me. Seriously.

I mean, you know, my friends,
my family, they --

Would what? What?
They'd be devastated?

You think so?

There's a reason
we ended up here together.

We've burned
every possible bridge.

I'm a burden to everybody
who's ever loved me...

and I know
the same is true of you.

Yeah, it is.
[Chuckles]

I mean,
don't you want to know?

Uh, know what?

If you pull the trigger
and it goes click,

are you gonna feel
relief or regret?

[Exhales sharply]

Pbht.

That is something
I'd like to know.

[Exhales sharply]

All right.
Here.
[Laughs]

Shit.
[Chamber clicks]

What do you --
How do you start
something like this?

Um...
Jesus Christ.

Alright,
easy with that thing.

Okay.
We let the gun decide.

Okay, we let the gun --
Hey.

Oh, I see.
Alright.

[Objects clatter]

Oh boy.
[Grunts]

Alright. Okay. You know what?

L-L-Let -- Let me --
Shh, shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh!

[Sighs]

It does seem to be pointing
generally in your direction.

So, I figure,
got a 1 in 6 chance, right?

That's -- what is that --
That's 16.66 percent.

Uh, definitely faced
worse odds in my life.

You probably have, too.

Plus, if you factor in
gravity,

the bullet is likely
to have settled

towards the bottom
of the chamber there,

so that means that, uh,

your odds are more like --

[Gunshot]
Oh, sh--

[High-pitched ringing]

Oh, shit.

Oh, sh--
Oh!

Oh.
Oh, my God.

Oh, come on!

Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.

♪♪

Ugh!

♪♪

[Bullets clinking]

[Laughs]

You're alive?!

Oh, my God.

Look at your face.

[Laughs, coughs]

[Monitor beeping steadily]

[Exhales sharply]

Hi.

[Scoffs]
You took me to the hospital?

Pussy.

Alright, now, the doctor says
you're gonna be just fine.

You were very fortunate.

The bullet just grazed
your scalp.

Hey, e-easy there.
Suicide watch.

It's gonna be like that
for the next 24 hours.

You just let me know if you need
me to get you a sip of water

or to scratch an itch
or go down on you.

Always said I'd do that
anytime, anyplace,

and this would definitely
put that to the test.

Can't believe I flinched
like a little bitch.

Well, apparently,
it's very normal to flinch

when a gun is pressed
to your temple.

Yeah, foolproof is right here,
underneath the chin.

Just remembered

the doctor told me
not to share that with you.

God damn it.
I think -- Whoa.

I think those --

I think the pills I took
are starting to kick in.

How are you still here?

Uh, it is after visiting hours,
but having scurvy

makes you somewhat
of a medical celebrity

with special privileges.

No, stupid, why didn't
you drop me off and leave?

Well, I had to know,
God damn it.

I mean, you pulled the trigger,
and you lived.

You feel relief or regret?

No.

You didn't play the game.

You don't get to know.

Well,
I tried to play the game.

No, you didn't.

You were just a tourist getting
your kicks off my misery.

And you think you're broken

because your wife
cheated on you

and your daddy
didn't love you?

[Voice breaking]
I know real pain.
I know real pain.

Now get the fuck
out of here!

[Sobs]

[Sighs]

[P.A. system beeps]

Jim...Brockmire?

Oh, God.
What? What?

The doctor said that you were
the one who brought her in.

I just wanted
to say thank you.

Oh, yes, I did.

Um...

was it an accident?

Hmm?
Oh, God, no.

No, she wanted to go.
[Sighs]

She did.
But, you know, sh--

Doctor says she's, um --
she'll be alright.

Yeah, I know.

Don't you want her
to get better, man?

I did...
the first five times.

Now I just want it
to be over.

Eh, well, she did say

that she was a tremendous
burden on everybody --

whoever loved her.

Nice to know we still
agree on something.

She was the CEO
of her own company.

[Monitor beeping echoes]

It's hard
to come back from --

[Grunts]

What are you doing?
Are you dancing?

This looks bad, I'm sure.
I'm so sorry.

I, um,
I took some mystery pills

before she pulled out
the gun earlier.

Oh, boy,
it must've been MDMA

because, whoa,

I'm vibing
on that heart monitor.

You hear that?
Stop now.

[Echoing beeping continues]

I'm sorry. I'm sure this --
Oh, this is disrespectful.

God damn it. I'm so sorry.
I just --

My body, it just
has to talk right now.

Ugh.
[Chuckles]

What is wrong with you?

So much!
Just so, so much.

Just --

[Echoing beeping continues]

Idiot, Brockmire.

You're such a stupid idiot.

[Sighs]

[Echoing beeping continues]

[Door closes]

[Exhales sharply]

[Beeping normalizes]

Oh, shit.

[Telephone rings]

[Indistinct chatter]

[P.A. system beeps]

Man:
Doctor on call to room 374.

Doctor on call to room 374.

♪ You'll be swell ♪

♪ You'll be great ♪

♪ Gonna have the whole world
on a plate ♪

♪ Starting here, starting now ♪

♪ Honey, everything's
coming up roses ♪

Oh, I see a lot
of new faces here,

so I'm gonna introduce myself
again.

My name is Jimmy,
and I work here.

Now, you've joined us during
a very, very special week.

This is our tribute
to Ann-Margret.

Now, yesterday, we watched Ann
say hello to the world

in "Bye, Bye, Birdie."

Tomorrow, we're gonna see her

get just covered in baked beans
in "Tommy."

But right now, boy, I think
this is her best performance.

This is 1971's
"Carnal Knowledge,"

Mike Nichols' cynical
and incisive deconstruction

of repression, sexuality,
and monogamy.

Also, you totally get to see
her yabbos,

so [Chuckles] enjoy.

♪♪

Hey, Jimmy.

♪♪

Why didn't you call me?

Oh, Charles,
I wanted to, I did,

but, uh, well, at first,
I wasn't sure I'd be okay.

And then, after I did
pull myself together, I --

well...

I wasn't too sure
you'd like the new me.

Of course I'd like you.

Everything great in my life

is as result of what you and I
built together.

I-I love you, Jim.

[Crying]

I-I love you, too, Ch--
I love you, too.

I think this is the first time
I've seen you cry

without being drunk
or watching "Field of Dreams."

[Chuckles]
I'm ju-- I'm sorry.

I'm, like, a newborn baby.
I cry all the time now.

[Sniffles]
Oh, man.

Yesterday, I watched
a hummingbird eat at a feeder.

I sobbed so hard, I gave myself
the hiccups all day.

Well, um, listen, man.

I came with some good news.

Oakland wants to bring you on
as their fill-in announcer.

You'd be back
in the big leagues...finally.

[Exhales sharply]

How the hell
is that possible?

Well, I told them
you were in rehab,

and they flipped out.

They want to sell it
as a redemption story.

[Exhales sharply]

Doesn't half the country
still hate my guts
for calling Art a racist?

I mean,
what the hell changed?

Well, Art was caught

putting cameras
in the girls' bathrooms

at every Uncle Art's
Chicken Shack.

That and he was paying his black
employees 30 percent less,

but that story got
a lot less traction.

Huh.

I-I just -- I can't believe
that I keep getting

chance after chance like this,
can you?

Well, yeah.
It's white privilege.

[Sighs]

So, is that a yes
to Oakland?

Oh, Charles, I don't know.

I mean, I figured out
how to live here.

Out there's an entirely
different story.

You can't hide forever,
Jim.

Yeah, sure I can.
I probably should, too, Charles.

I mean, I'm an alcoholic,
and I'm a drug addict.

And a baseball man.

That's where
you'll always belong.

Well...

does this mean
you'd be coming with me?

No.

I've built something
in New Orleans.

I have to stay.

But I'll always
be in your life.

I know you've lost
a few friends,
but I haven't.

I'm not gonna let you ruin
my perfect record.

[Sobs]
Thank you, Charles.

Alright.

[Crying]

Sorry.

Geez.

I'm ridiculous. I'm --
It's a lot.

I'm fine.
Just pretend I'm not crying.

Seriously.
Pull yourself together.

This -- This--
This is a lot.

Sorry.
[Sobs]

But, uh, I think
I've found someone

to help you get settled
in Oakland.

Oh, come on.

Hi.
[Chuckles]

[Laughs]

Hey.
Hi.

You look great.

No, you look great.

[Heel clacks]
Thank you.

[Laughs]

Hey,
did I hear that the Frackers

won the pennant this year?

-They did.
-Oh, my God.

My God, Jules,
congratulations.

I also did
some consulting work

for Scranton Wilkes-Barre
last season.

That's the Yankees'
AAA team.

Oh, come on.
That's big time!

I'm --
I'm very impressed.

Oh, boy.
Congrats, Jules.

Thank you.

Alright, look, um...

...I do want
to tell you something.

Hey, I thought there were
going to be tits in this movie.

There will be.
There will.

So far, it's just a whole lot
of Art Garfunkel.

Well, it's also
a young Mike Nichols

growing as a visual artist

and a very restrained
performance

by a young Jack Nicholson.

But maybe your junky ass

don't see so good
anymore, huh?

Is that the problem?
It's okay.

Huh?
Get -- Get out of here!

Hey, hey, hey.
Go on!

-Hey! Hey!
-No, they can't be --

Sorry. Sorry.
Calm down.

I'm sorry!
I'm sorry.

[Clicks tongue]

Is there some place private
we could talk?

Yeah, of course.
I'm sorry.

Just go right --
right in there.

Well, this is my room.

[Both chuckle]

Got kind of
a lot of down time here,

so I work
through some of that

by kind of
compulsively painting.

I see that face in my dreams
every single night.

I figure it's got
to mean something, right?

[Sniffs]

That's Pete Rose.

No, it's not!

[Chuckles]

Holy shit.
That's Pete Rose.

Yep.

Shit!

Well...
not doing that anymore.

Fricking hate Pete Rose.

[Chuckles]

Not funny. I spent a lot
of time on this shit.

[Chuckles nervously]

So, you.
[Chuckles]

Yeah, hey.

If you went through
all 12 steps,

how come I never got
my amends?

That's the best part of having
your friends get sober --

the apology tour.

Right.
Hey.

Hey, you can start

with the time
you pissed the bed

and tried to convince me
I'd done it.

Oh, shit.
I couldn't produce
that much urine in a week.

[Laughs]

I'm gonna call that,
but it sounds like me,

and I do apologize
for that.

But thing is
that the program dictates

we're not supposed
to make amends if doing so

would cause injury
to others.

So, you know,
I figured if you were
happy and everything,

I wouldn't reopen
old wounds.

You know.

Please.
I am the toughest guy you know.

-[Exhales sharply]
-Hit me with your best shot.

Give me
your most dangerous apology.

[Inhales deeply]

[Sighs]

Alright.

Well...

[Sighs]

You know,
it took me coming here

to understand the truth that
you just kept trying to tell me,

that life is a series
of choices.

And ultimately,
I really didn't have

the power to make
different ones.

You know, the moments that I
beat myself up over the most --

and not the dark ones,

those just led me
on the path to sobriety.

No, it --

What keeps me up at night

is every single time
I walked away from you.

Now, every choice I made

that took me in the opposite
direction of you,

[Slaps thigh]
that was the wrong one.

Jules...

I'm so sorry I couldn't
be a better man to you.

I am.

I mean, in a life
so full of regrets,

you'll always
be my biggest one.

That's what
you were afraid to tell me?

Shit.

Just wish I had recorded it so
I could have it for my ringtone.

Well, I'm glad that my words
could bring you some comfort,

but...
Thank you.

...we are supposed to back up
our words with positive actions.

So...
Oh.

...Jules, if there's anything
I can do for you

to make it up to you,
anything,

I want you
to let me know, okay?

Okay.

[Exhales sharply]

I-I want you to say healthy.

That's what you need
to focus on right now, okay?

Okay.
Alright.

Oh, I --
You ready to go to Oakland?

Oakland?
No. God, no.

You know, I mean, I'll try
my best and go anyway, but --

Yeah, you will.

Yeah, I will.

There's one thing
I'd like to do

before I get out of here,
though.

[Insects chirping]

So, how's it going, Charles?
How's Yvonne?

She's good.

Yeah, really good.

Um...

she cheated on me,
uh, with my friend Dave,

and, well,
they're in love now,

and she's pregnant.

And somehow,
they convinced me

it would be a good idea
for them to live in my house.

So, every day's
a waking nightmare.

Charles, you were forced
at a very young age

to do some very adult
things,

not the least of which
was taking care of me.

Which you did very well,
by the way.

But you know what?

You still got a lot
of growing yet to do.

Your best is yet to come.
I promise you.

Thanks, Jim.

[Pats back]

Hey.

Gents.

Oh, man.

Well, you can't expect
me to stay sober

in a place
this depressing.

[Liquid pours]

[Scoffs]

So, the suspense
is killing me.

What made you finally
pussy out and get sober?

[Chuckles]

I just got tired of being such
a burden on all my loved ones.

And I realized that my death
was probably not gonna be

a solution to that problem.

If anything, it was just gonna
make it more permanent.

No, if I wanted to undo
all the damage that I had done,

I was gonna have to become
a sober, responsible adult

for the first time
in my life.

And maybe, just maybe,
if I did that,

I'd be fortunate enough
to get to do things

like spend time
with you two again.

My guess
was gonna be heroin.

No.

No drug could have ever gotten
me to that place of truth,

believe me.

I think you're wildly
underestimating heroin.

[Chuckles]

I just want to do

all the things I never
had time for before.

Like watch this sunset,
for example.

Okay, how long
do I have to do this

before I'm able to say
that I did it?

-Most people wait 'til
it's actually completely set.

-[Sighs]

♪♪

Well, Jesus Christ.
Is it even moving?

["Everything's Coming Up Roses"
plays]

-Was there a time
when this was fun?

-♪ Everything's
coming up roses ♪

♪ For me and for you ♪