Brockmire (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Broadcasters Jinx - full transcript
Jim moves on this new job as the major league broadcast announcer in Atlanta. Charles focuses on the new direction of his career. When Jim is confronted with the truth about a legendary ...
[Door creaks]
Hey.
There he is.
-Hey! Jim!
Congrats on Atlanta.
-Thank you, Raj.
You know, boy, you're
a very talented young man.
You put up
quite a fight.
I have a little something
for you.
No, Jim, come on.
Where is that thing?
Where is it?
Here it is.
-I'm excited.
Psych!
Fuck you!
I win.
I am a major-league
broadcaster!
Aaron Thomas
in his iTunes review says
that "Jim Brockmire
is a boring and rambling drunk.
One star."
[Jeering]
No, no. Thank you
for the feedback, Aaron.
And here is my response.
[Cheering]
I don't know
if you remember me,
but you would not let me
eat out your ass.
I just want you to know
that the joke is on you,
because I'm a major-league
broadcaster now.
You lose!
[Grunts]
Ha!
Can you see these babies
through your mouth hole,
you -- you piece
of shit?!
[Cheering]
Major-league broadcaster, baby!
[Screams]
You lose, I win!
[Laughs maniacally]
Because I am a major-league
broadcaster, baby!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
That don't
impress me, bitch.
And you still
can't eat this ass.
See, I --
Are you sure, though?
You know, 'cause the butthole
and the vagina,
they're connected
in pleasure.
That's why
they're so close together.
It's like yin and yang,
ass and tang.
No, g-- Unh!
[Grunts]
I win.
Major-league broadcaster.
[Grunts]
[Grunts]
♪♪
[Bell dings]
♪♪
Charles: So, have you
given any thought
to what's gonna happen
to me with Atlanta?
I'm pretty sure they don't want
a 19-year-old producer
who doesn't like
baseball.
Oh, no, Charles.
I got your back.
Are you kidding me?
Have I ever let you down before?
You literally do it
every day.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Daddy's thirsty.
[Liquid sloshing]
[Knock on door]
Congratulations!
I just came in to drop off
your Atlanta itinerary.
-Hold.
-[Chuckles]
-We leave tomorrow?
-Mm-hmm.
And I have
some other amazing news.
What if I told you
that you're going to be
a major-league
broadcaster?
I would like it.
I like it so much,
I've been screaming it
into the face of my enemies.
Didn't you just
congratulate me for that?
I don't understand
what's happening.
You didn't
let me finish.
I was pausing
for dramatic effect.
Well, it just seemed
like you were done.
Yeah, thank you,
Charles.
I do pride myself
on my ability to honor
the flow of conversation.
What if I told you
that you're gonna be
a major-league broadcaster
tomorrow?
Tomorrow? But that's the last
game of the season, isn't it?
That's Art Newlie's
last game.
And he's going to call it
with you.
I pitched a co-booth as
a symbolic passing of the torch.
From a PR standpoint, it doesn't
really get much better.
[Gasps]
Oh, my God!
This view.
Oh, you can see
that new Starbucks
where they have the wine!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
-Oh! Oh, oh!
-Oh, God! Oh, God! Help!
Here. Flush it out
with some water. Here you are.
Oh! Oh!
-Why's it burning?
-Here you go, here you go.
Flush it out.
-Oh! Oh, God, that hurts worse!
Wait, no, no! That's the gin!
That's the gin! That's the gin!
Oh, God damn it!
Where's the water?
Here you go, here you go.
That's water.
Here. This --
Oh, God.
Oh, my God, Jim.
Oh, my God!
Jim, have you been
drinking?!
Oh, my God!
Have you been drinking
in the booth all season?
Are you --
Are you drunk right now?
Is this --
Is this who you are?!
Yes, yes, yes...
...and yes.
I wasn't pausing
for dramatic effect there.
I was genuinely
deliberating.
This -- [chuckles nervously]
This is who I am.
No, no, no, no, no. I told them
that you were under control.
This -- This is not
"under control."
This -- This is the definition
of "out of control"!
Whoa, wa-- Whoa! That's
some top-shelf hiding whiskey
you're -- you're waving
around there.
Jim...
my reputation
is on the line.
You cannot drink in the booth
with Art.
Well, we have faced this problem
one time before,
and we came up with
a very elegant solution.
You see,
we soak a tampon --
stay with me -- in whiskey,
and then we insert it --
No.
It's all right.
I don't mind.
I can even jog
with that baby in there.
Okay.
No alcohol!
If Art sees you drunk
in this booth,
this whole thing
is over, okay?
You have to promise me that
you will call this game sober.
W-Well, it's -- this is
the single most important game
of my career,
so, of course, Whitney,
I will definitely
call it sober.
Good.
♪♪
[Exhales sharply]
This is a bad time,
but, um...
tomorrow's not gonna
work for me.
Jim: Look, you're coming
to Atlanta, Charles.
I'm sorry,
but I need you there.
Charles:
I have a meeting
with a potential sponsor
for the podcast.
You gotta cancel it, Charles.
I'm s--
Wait, I'm gonna
level with you, okay?
When I get nervous,
I have a little bit
of a drinking problem.
[Laughing]
I have never seen you sober.
That's maintenance, right?
That's medicinal.
But under high pressure,
I just --
I ratchet it up,
like, 12 notches.
Well, then d-dip off
to the bathroom
and take a few nips
between innings.
No, no. Once you pop,
you just can't stop.
Like...Pringles?
No, more like poppers,
Charles.
Like amyl nitrate.
See this little bad boy
right here?
This both raises the libido
and acts as a muscle relaxant.
This is the Bo Jackson
of sexual aids.
Just...don't drink
for one half day.
Do you hear yourself? Do you
hear how insane you sound?
Charles! I am an addict,
all right?
It's taking every ounce
of restraint I have
not to sniff this entire bottle
right now.
If I don't drink
in that booth,
I'm gonna get antsy,
I'm gonna get the shakes.
I'm liable to rip
Art Newlie's head right off.
Be real easy, too.
I'll just grab the loose,
old skin around his neck,
and I'll just...
[pops lips]
Okay! I will go with you
to Atlanta.
I will make sure you get into
the booth sober and not murdery.
Thank you.
Thank you.
But as soon as you're settled,
I'm on a plane.
I know you don't care
about podcasting, but I do.
Fine! Whatever.
Ooh!
Uh...I'm gonna wanna make
a quick stop
on Craigslist
casual encounters
before we hit
the airport.
[Chuckles]
Ooh.
♪♪
♪♪
This is one of Art's
game day traditions.
He shakes
everyone's hand
and makes each person
feel valuable.
Hey, Jim Brockmire.
How are you, friend?
-Art.
-Oh!
I'm so pleased to be sharing
the booth with you today.
I cannot think of a better way
to tie a bow on this career.
Well, Art, I am just so honored
to be a part of this.
This is my friend Charles.
-Charles.
I heard you made
quite an impression on
my production staff.
You really know the ins and outs
of it all, don't you?
Thank you.
I try.
Hi, Whitney.
Pleasure, as always.
Uh, please excuse me.
I've got to run down to
concessions and say my howdies
and, sadly,
a couple goodbyes.
Jim, I'll see you
in the booth.
Yes, you will, Art.
[Chuckles]
So long, Art.
We should probably
get going, too.
I want to show Jim
the production booth
before I have to leave.
[Sniffs] Hm.
Sober, old-man breath --
good.
Let's keep it that way.
-Here are your benzos.
-Shh, shh, shh, shh!
Take one during the sixth
inning, and you should be fine.
No shakes,
no crankiness.
And that's
almost everything.
That's one tennis shoe.
It's my lucky sneaker.
I've had this
in the booth with us
since we got
to New Orleans.
So, what, is it, like,
really expensive?
Is that why it's good?
No. It's not --
It's not about the money.
I got these
right before I met you --
before everything in my life
started changing for the better.
So, I-I'm supposed
to wear it?
No, you're not --
not supposed to --
You know what?
Good luck.
Whew!
Don't shit the bed.
I shall try.
So, I don't wear it?
-Don't wear it.
Okay.
♪♪
[Sighs]
[Knock on door, door opens]
Are you ready
to call a ballgame?
Ohh, ready
as I'll ever be.
[Laughing]
All right.
Hey, listen, Jim, I'm not
usually one for spirits,
but the grounds crew
chipped in
and got me this bottle
as a retirement gift,
and I would truly love
to share a drink with you
as my way
of passing the torch along.
Oh, Art,
that's so kind.
Oh, but I -- no, I have
to politely decline.
Oh, now.
No, I never touch it
when I'm on the clock.
It's just --
it's kinda who I am.
[Chuckles]
What's one drink?
And besides, you cannot
deny a man his last wish.
Hmm?
-Well...
Um...
Hm.
Oh, that -- that smells
like good bourbon, too.
Bourbon, right?
I don't...
Mm.
...know all the names
of the -- of the drinks.
Jim: McCalpin
working with two outs
and a full count here
in the top of the fourth.
And here comes a pitch.
Strike three swinging.
My goodness.
Chillcut pathetically
waved at that one
like he just recognized his
ex-girlfriend across the bar,
didn't he, Art?
-[Laughs]
Oh, that's great.
Straight zeroes
across the board, folks.
Looks like fate has decided
to give us a game
that we're gonna remember.
Stay with us, would ya?
[Laughing] Oh.
That's a great call, Jim.
That's real fun.
Yeah, I could tell
you were a real baseball man.
Oh, Art, I am. I tell you,
I just -- I love this game.
Oh, good. That's gonna
work out just fine.
[Both chuckle]
And hey, how about
McCalpin's arm today?
-What?
-My G-- Hey.
He throws a no-hitter
on your final game,
this stadium is gonna
lose their minds.
-Wouldn't that be something?
-Oh.
But, hey --
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Let's just let that lie,
shall we?
Of course. No, no, no.
Say no more.
Hey!
-[Laughing] All right.
I think this thing
must be working.
It was a gift.
-Oh?
From my friend Charles.
He said it was good luck.
Yeah, that young friend of yours
sure seems like a hard worker.
I tell you what, you lucked out.
You picked a good 'un.
Oh, don't I know it.
Don't I know it.
You know, they say
they're all lazy and entitled,
but not Charles.
That's 'cause their fathers
don't stick around.
-Is that right?
-Mm.
I hadn't heard that
about Millennials.
No. Millennials?
I'm talking about the coloreds.
Oh.
You know, Art, I-I'm not sure
I can remember the last time
I heard that term used,
uh, uh..."coloreds."
Yeah, well,
the term is antiquated,
but so am I.
Yeah, I just don't care
for this PC nonsense.
It's like, what is
this country coming to?
You know, they almost put
a sand jockey in my seat.
Boy, howdy.
Bottom of the fourth,
and we have got a doozy
on our hands.
Atlanta's got
something cooking here
in the bottom of the eighth
of this very special game.
And that ball is hit very right
out to right-center field.
And, like Ben Affleck's
depressing directorial debut,
that one is gonna be
"Gone Baby Gone"!
Mm!
Burnett with the big bat
puts Atlanta out in front
by a count of 4-0.
-Yeah, but it's a shame
he had to do a bat flip there,
isn't it, Jim?
Just another poor display
of sportsmanship.
[Chuckling]
Oh, I don't know, Art.
Seems like a young man
just enjoying himself
on the final game
of the season to me.
Well, call me a purist,
Jim,
but I-I say play the game
the right way.
Well, that -- that really is
important to you, isn't it, Art?
I mean,
things being pure.
Hernandez chops one
to first,
and that will be...
out number three.
The ninth inning
when we return, folks.
[Cheering]
Jim, let me ask you something,
and feel free to say "no."
Oh, please. What can
I do for you, Art?
Well, these next three outs
may be the last of my career,
and I would just love to bring
this one home on my own.
Would you mind?
-Oh, no problem.
Well, appreciate it
and mighty white of you, sir.
[Laughs]
Would you pardon me
for just one moment?
Mm!
[Breathing heavily]
♪♪
[Groans]
♪♪
Whitney: Jim!
Can you believe this?!
This is so exciting!
Art's last game, and
McCalpin is three outs
away from a no-hitter.
Oh, my God. Is it a jinx if I
say it, or just if you say it?
How does
the broadcaster's jinx work?
You know what --
I'm saying it.
I'm saying it!
It's storybook perfect!
National networks
are doing live look-ins.
This is huge for me.
For you. For us.
For baseball.
Most-- Mostly me.
[Giggles]
Are you drunk?
I started taking nips from your
binoculars to calm my nerves,
but then when things
started going so well,
it turned into
a celebration. I mean...
[Inhales sharply]
...this is the kind of night
that careers
are built on.
[Giggles]
-Yeah, that's great.
Are you aware that Art
is insanely racist?
Yeah. I mean t-that's
why we're in such a -- such
a hurry to push him out.
But the only way
that Art will go quietly
is if we promise to hand the
booth over to a "baseball man,"
which is Art code
for "a white guy."
[Giggles]
What are you telling me -- that
I didn't really earn this job,
that I didn't actually
beat out Raj?
[Laughing] Oh, no.
Of course not.
I mean, Raj is the best!
I gotta go.
The -- The binocular whiskey's
going right through me!
[Laughs, echoes]
[Door closes]
♪♪
[Crowd cheering]
[Muttering]
[Door closes]
Hey.
Did your boy
steal my wallet?
I -- Wha--
I'm sorry?
Well,
I don't blame him.
It was my fault for leaving
it out when he was around.
[Chuckles]
-You know -- I don't...
No, Charles didn't steal
your wallet.
Oh, really?
-Yeah.
-How can you be so sure?
Uh, because Charles is the most
honest and hardworking person
I've ever met in my life.
-Oh.
I mean, I'm bringing him on
as my producer next season.
Oh, a producer?
Here?
Well, I won't
let that happen.
Only real baseball men
allowed in this booth.
We'll talk about it
later.
Art, I --
Boy, howdy, folks.
[Pills clattering]
A big ARTlanta hello
to our national viewers.
Still zeroes across
the board for New York.
Let's see if our boys
can bring this one
on home for supper.
Folks,
you know what's funny?
The younger generation,
they always love
to talk about
the elephant in the room,
the one thing best left unsaid
in situations like this.
Call me a traditionalist, but I
say let a sleeping dog lie.
I don't know, Art.
Some conversations, though,
they really do
need to be had.
I mean, some sleeping dogs,
they need to get woke.
[Pills clatter]
Sometimes you gotta call
a spade a spade.
This is not one of the times.
It's a tradition.
Folks, som--
Yeah, but some traditions,
shouldn't they die, Art?
For example,
racism in this country.
Jim, now's
not the time --
Did you or did you not just
recklessly accuse
my friend Charles
of stealing your wallet?
Art?
-[Chuckles]
-Hm?
Folks, what happened is,
my wallet went missing,
and Jim's little friend was
the only kid in the booth.
Yeah, no, he means the only
black kid in the booth, folks.
Whitney: Oh, God.
Oh, God.
For the record, I happen
to have a beautiful
relationship with the blacks.
-Oh, my God!
Do you hear yourself anymore?
I mean, are you joking?!
All right,
cool off there, Sparky.
This Atlanta heat's
got you beat.
Hey, Art, would that
be your wallet?
-Well, whoopsie-doopsie!
-"Oopsie-doopsie!"
Really? That's all you
have to say for yourself?
Oh, my God!
Jim, uh, let's you and I
agree to disagree
and get back to the game.
No, how about we disagree
to agree, Art?
Because, you know, I can't
speak for all the people
of color in this country.
I'm just one old white guy
telling another old white guy
that we will not stand
this kind of hatred anymore.
[Jeering]
Oh, my God!
Racism is the fist that's
punching American right
in its own dick, Art.
That's the conversation
we really should be having.
Nobody cares about
your stupid no-hitter.
[Bat cracks]
Oh, shit.
There goes a no-hitter.
[Slurring]
And here comes the pitch.
Oh! It's in the dirt!
And nobody cares, God damn it,
because it's bourbon.
It's not even a baseball.
Shit.
Why'd I spill that out?
[Sighs]
There you are.
Brockmire, you --
-Wow! Hey, oh!
-Son of a bitch!
-Hey! H-Hey!
Okay, okay!
I knew I shouldn't have
trusted you.
You couldn't even stay
sober for one game!
Oh, I was sober.
I was definitely sober.
I swear to God.
I'm not now,
but I-I called the game sober.
-Then why?!
-Why?!
Art -- I mean, he pretends
to be "Cosby Show" Bill Cosby,
but he's actually
"hide your drinks" Bill Cosby.
I mean, God damn it,
I had to say something.
No!
No, you didn't!
All you had to do was
stay silent for three outs,
but you couldn't do that,
could you?
I'm sorry. I am very sorry.
I really am. I --
Hey, at least Raj
gets the job now.
Isn't that what you wanted?
-No.
They won't hire Raj now
because it'll look like
they're "caving to pressure."
And they needed a scapegoat
for this televised pig fuck,
[Voice breaking]
and they fired me!
[Sobbing]
All right, just give me two of
your best shots with that thing.
Come on.
[Dog barks in distance,
hip-hop music plays on stereo]
♪♪
Charles, Charles,
oh, my God.
Look, look --
you're trending on Twitter.
#CharlesWalletJinx.
♪♪
Oh, no.
[Bottles rattle]
♪♪
Uh, Charles?
Why does my apartment
look like young, black Google?
You weren't supposed
to be back this early.
Oh, well, when you shit the bed,
you kinda have to find
a new place to sleep,
and I did that.
Ooh, I took an ungodly dump
on my hotel bed.
Figured I'd
come on home early.
What i--
What's going on in here?
I'm starting
a few other podcasts.
You did all this
in the last 12 hours?
The last three months,
actually.
Wow!
So, this is
our staff, huh?
Hey, Two Hands.
Hi, yes. Hi.
Do me a favor --
get me a Bloody Mary, please.
My head
is just pounding.
Uh, actually...
Jim, this is my team.
You can't be involved.
What do you mean,
I can't be involved? Why not?
Well, it's called
Gradient.
And it's a podcast
media company.
It's gonna be podcasts
by people of color...
for people of color.
Well, um,
what about that guy?
Oh, that's Garret.
He's just cool.
-Well, I can be cool.
-No, you can't.
Yeah, he's actually right.
You can't be cool. Sorry.
Um, who the hell
is that?
This is Yvonne.
She's my girlfriend.
Your girl--
You have a girlfriend?
And you didn't tell me about it?
-I'm sorry.
You were supposed to go
to Atlanta and stay.
What was I gonna do?
I started my own thing.
Well,
I didn't get Atlanta
'cause I was too busy
sticking up for you!
I didn't ask you
to do that!
If I was there, I would have
told you 100% do not do that.
Art was on his way out.
What could you possibly
have accomplished?
I was protecting you
from racism, Charles!
Woman: Ohhhh.
Mm, mm, mm.
It-- It's actually
kinda cute.
I've heard enough
out of you, Yoko.
Actually, Yoko was
a very talented,
avant-garde
performance artist.
I-I don't know
what you are.
I experience racism
every day.
I have to deal with
racism before I deal
with my morning wood.
It's something
I'm used to.
I can handle it.
You experience racism
one time,
and you flip out
and throw everything away.
I threw every--
I did?!
You're the one who's jumping
ship first chance you get.
And I gotta tell you
something, Charles,
you would be nothing
without me.
Without me, you would still
be in Morristown.
Oh, that is
absolutely true!
♪♪
All right, look, I want you
and your friends
out of here right now.
I own this loft.
Not you.
So, I'm gonna ask
you to leave.
Fine.
[Scoffs]
♪♪
I have to get
some clean underwear.
I wasn't kidding about
that ungodly dump.
♪♪
Hey.
There he is.
-Hey! Jim!
Congrats on Atlanta.
-Thank you, Raj.
You know, boy, you're
a very talented young man.
You put up
quite a fight.
I have a little something
for you.
No, Jim, come on.
Where is that thing?
Where is it?
Here it is.
-I'm excited.
Psych!
Fuck you!
I win.
I am a major-league
broadcaster!
Aaron Thomas
in his iTunes review says
that "Jim Brockmire
is a boring and rambling drunk.
One star."
[Jeering]
No, no. Thank you
for the feedback, Aaron.
And here is my response.
[Cheering]
I don't know
if you remember me,
but you would not let me
eat out your ass.
I just want you to know
that the joke is on you,
because I'm a major-league
broadcaster now.
You lose!
[Grunts]
Ha!
Can you see these babies
through your mouth hole,
you -- you piece
of shit?!
[Cheering]
Major-league broadcaster, baby!
[Screams]
You lose, I win!
[Laughs maniacally]
Because I am a major-league
broadcaster, baby!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
That don't
impress me, bitch.
And you still
can't eat this ass.
See, I --
Are you sure, though?
You know, 'cause the butthole
and the vagina,
they're connected
in pleasure.
That's why
they're so close together.
It's like yin and yang,
ass and tang.
No, g-- Unh!
[Grunts]
I win.
Major-league broadcaster.
[Grunts]
[Grunts]
♪♪
[Bell dings]
♪♪
Charles: So, have you
given any thought
to what's gonna happen
to me with Atlanta?
I'm pretty sure they don't want
a 19-year-old producer
who doesn't like
baseball.
Oh, no, Charles.
I got your back.
Are you kidding me?
Have I ever let you down before?
You literally do it
every day.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Daddy's thirsty.
[Liquid sloshing]
[Knock on door]
Congratulations!
I just came in to drop off
your Atlanta itinerary.
-Hold.
-[Chuckles]
-We leave tomorrow?
-Mm-hmm.
And I have
some other amazing news.
What if I told you
that you're going to be
a major-league
broadcaster?
I would like it.
I like it so much,
I've been screaming it
into the face of my enemies.
Didn't you just
congratulate me for that?
I don't understand
what's happening.
You didn't
let me finish.
I was pausing
for dramatic effect.
Well, it just seemed
like you were done.
Yeah, thank you,
Charles.
I do pride myself
on my ability to honor
the flow of conversation.
What if I told you
that you're gonna be
a major-league broadcaster
tomorrow?
Tomorrow? But that's the last
game of the season, isn't it?
That's Art Newlie's
last game.
And he's going to call it
with you.
I pitched a co-booth as
a symbolic passing of the torch.
From a PR standpoint, it doesn't
really get much better.
[Gasps]
Oh, my God!
This view.
Oh, you can see
that new Starbucks
where they have the wine!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
-Oh! Oh, oh!
-Oh, God! Oh, God! Help!
Here. Flush it out
with some water. Here you are.
Oh! Oh!
-Why's it burning?
-Here you go, here you go.
Flush it out.
-Oh! Oh, God, that hurts worse!
Wait, no, no! That's the gin!
That's the gin! That's the gin!
Oh, God damn it!
Where's the water?
Here you go, here you go.
That's water.
Here. This --
Oh, God.
Oh, my God, Jim.
Oh, my God!
Jim, have you been
drinking?!
Oh, my God!
Have you been drinking
in the booth all season?
Are you --
Are you drunk right now?
Is this --
Is this who you are?!
Yes, yes, yes...
...and yes.
I wasn't pausing
for dramatic effect there.
I was genuinely
deliberating.
This -- [chuckles nervously]
This is who I am.
No, no, no, no, no. I told them
that you were under control.
This -- This is not
"under control."
This -- This is the definition
of "out of control"!
Whoa, wa-- Whoa! That's
some top-shelf hiding whiskey
you're -- you're waving
around there.
Jim...
my reputation
is on the line.
You cannot drink in the booth
with Art.
Well, we have faced this problem
one time before,
and we came up with
a very elegant solution.
You see,
we soak a tampon --
stay with me -- in whiskey,
and then we insert it --
No.
It's all right.
I don't mind.
I can even jog
with that baby in there.
Okay.
No alcohol!
If Art sees you drunk
in this booth,
this whole thing
is over, okay?
You have to promise me that
you will call this game sober.
W-Well, it's -- this is
the single most important game
of my career,
so, of course, Whitney,
I will definitely
call it sober.
Good.
♪♪
[Exhales sharply]
This is a bad time,
but, um...
tomorrow's not gonna
work for me.
Jim: Look, you're coming
to Atlanta, Charles.
I'm sorry,
but I need you there.
Charles:
I have a meeting
with a potential sponsor
for the podcast.
You gotta cancel it, Charles.
I'm s--
Wait, I'm gonna
level with you, okay?
When I get nervous,
I have a little bit
of a drinking problem.
[Laughing]
I have never seen you sober.
That's maintenance, right?
That's medicinal.
But under high pressure,
I just --
I ratchet it up,
like, 12 notches.
Well, then d-dip off
to the bathroom
and take a few nips
between innings.
No, no. Once you pop,
you just can't stop.
Like...Pringles?
No, more like poppers,
Charles.
Like amyl nitrate.
See this little bad boy
right here?
This both raises the libido
and acts as a muscle relaxant.
This is the Bo Jackson
of sexual aids.
Just...don't drink
for one half day.
Do you hear yourself? Do you
hear how insane you sound?
Charles! I am an addict,
all right?
It's taking every ounce
of restraint I have
not to sniff this entire bottle
right now.
If I don't drink
in that booth,
I'm gonna get antsy,
I'm gonna get the shakes.
I'm liable to rip
Art Newlie's head right off.
Be real easy, too.
I'll just grab the loose,
old skin around his neck,
and I'll just...
[pops lips]
Okay! I will go with you
to Atlanta.
I will make sure you get into
the booth sober and not murdery.
Thank you.
Thank you.
But as soon as you're settled,
I'm on a plane.
I know you don't care
about podcasting, but I do.
Fine! Whatever.
Ooh!
Uh...I'm gonna wanna make
a quick stop
on Craigslist
casual encounters
before we hit
the airport.
[Chuckles]
Ooh.
♪♪
♪♪
This is one of Art's
game day traditions.
He shakes
everyone's hand
and makes each person
feel valuable.
Hey, Jim Brockmire.
How are you, friend?
-Art.
-Oh!
I'm so pleased to be sharing
the booth with you today.
I cannot think of a better way
to tie a bow on this career.
Well, Art, I am just so honored
to be a part of this.
This is my friend Charles.
-Charles.
I heard you made
quite an impression on
my production staff.
You really know the ins and outs
of it all, don't you?
Thank you.
I try.
Hi, Whitney.
Pleasure, as always.
Uh, please excuse me.
I've got to run down to
concessions and say my howdies
and, sadly,
a couple goodbyes.
Jim, I'll see you
in the booth.
Yes, you will, Art.
[Chuckles]
So long, Art.
We should probably
get going, too.
I want to show Jim
the production booth
before I have to leave.
[Sniffs] Hm.
Sober, old-man breath --
good.
Let's keep it that way.
-Here are your benzos.
-Shh, shh, shh, shh!
Take one during the sixth
inning, and you should be fine.
No shakes,
no crankiness.
And that's
almost everything.
That's one tennis shoe.
It's my lucky sneaker.
I've had this
in the booth with us
since we got
to New Orleans.
So, what, is it, like,
really expensive?
Is that why it's good?
No. It's not --
It's not about the money.
I got these
right before I met you --
before everything in my life
started changing for the better.
So, I-I'm supposed
to wear it?
No, you're not --
not supposed to --
You know what?
Good luck.
Whew!
Don't shit the bed.
I shall try.
So, I don't wear it?
-Don't wear it.
Okay.
♪♪
[Sighs]
[Knock on door, door opens]
Are you ready
to call a ballgame?
Ohh, ready
as I'll ever be.
[Laughing]
All right.
Hey, listen, Jim, I'm not
usually one for spirits,
but the grounds crew
chipped in
and got me this bottle
as a retirement gift,
and I would truly love
to share a drink with you
as my way
of passing the torch along.
Oh, Art,
that's so kind.
Oh, but I -- no, I have
to politely decline.
Oh, now.
No, I never touch it
when I'm on the clock.
It's just --
it's kinda who I am.
[Chuckles]
What's one drink?
And besides, you cannot
deny a man his last wish.
Hmm?
-Well...
Um...
Hm.
Oh, that -- that smells
like good bourbon, too.
Bourbon, right?
I don't...
Mm.
...know all the names
of the -- of the drinks.
Jim: McCalpin
working with two outs
and a full count here
in the top of the fourth.
And here comes a pitch.
Strike three swinging.
My goodness.
Chillcut pathetically
waved at that one
like he just recognized his
ex-girlfriend across the bar,
didn't he, Art?
-[Laughs]
Oh, that's great.
Straight zeroes
across the board, folks.
Looks like fate has decided
to give us a game
that we're gonna remember.
Stay with us, would ya?
[Laughing] Oh.
That's a great call, Jim.
That's real fun.
Yeah, I could tell
you were a real baseball man.
Oh, Art, I am. I tell you,
I just -- I love this game.
Oh, good. That's gonna
work out just fine.
[Both chuckle]
And hey, how about
McCalpin's arm today?
-What?
-My G-- Hey.
He throws a no-hitter
on your final game,
this stadium is gonna
lose their minds.
-Wouldn't that be something?
-Oh.
But, hey --
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Let's just let that lie,
shall we?
Of course. No, no, no.
Say no more.
Hey!
-[Laughing] All right.
I think this thing
must be working.
It was a gift.
-Oh?
From my friend Charles.
He said it was good luck.
Yeah, that young friend of yours
sure seems like a hard worker.
I tell you what, you lucked out.
You picked a good 'un.
Oh, don't I know it.
Don't I know it.
You know, they say
they're all lazy and entitled,
but not Charles.
That's 'cause their fathers
don't stick around.
-Is that right?
-Mm.
I hadn't heard that
about Millennials.
No. Millennials?
I'm talking about the coloreds.
Oh.
You know, Art, I-I'm not sure
I can remember the last time
I heard that term used,
uh, uh..."coloreds."
Yeah, well,
the term is antiquated,
but so am I.
Yeah, I just don't care
for this PC nonsense.
It's like, what is
this country coming to?
You know, they almost put
a sand jockey in my seat.
Boy, howdy.
Bottom of the fourth,
and we have got a doozy
on our hands.
Atlanta's got
something cooking here
in the bottom of the eighth
of this very special game.
And that ball is hit very right
out to right-center field.
And, like Ben Affleck's
depressing directorial debut,
that one is gonna be
"Gone Baby Gone"!
Mm!
Burnett with the big bat
puts Atlanta out in front
by a count of 4-0.
-Yeah, but it's a shame
he had to do a bat flip there,
isn't it, Jim?
Just another poor display
of sportsmanship.
[Chuckling]
Oh, I don't know, Art.
Seems like a young man
just enjoying himself
on the final game
of the season to me.
Well, call me a purist,
Jim,
but I-I say play the game
the right way.
Well, that -- that really is
important to you, isn't it, Art?
I mean,
things being pure.
Hernandez chops one
to first,
and that will be...
out number three.
The ninth inning
when we return, folks.
[Cheering]
Jim, let me ask you something,
and feel free to say "no."
Oh, please. What can
I do for you, Art?
Well, these next three outs
may be the last of my career,
and I would just love to bring
this one home on my own.
Would you mind?
-Oh, no problem.
Well, appreciate it
and mighty white of you, sir.
[Laughs]
Would you pardon me
for just one moment?
Mm!
[Breathing heavily]
♪♪
[Groans]
♪♪
Whitney: Jim!
Can you believe this?!
This is so exciting!
Art's last game, and
McCalpin is three outs
away from a no-hitter.
Oh, my God. Is it a jinx if I
say it, or just if you say it?
How does
the broadcaster's jinx work?
You know what --
I'm saying it.
I'm saying it!
It's storybook perfect!
National networks
are doing live look-ins.
This is huge for me.
For you. For us.
For baseball.
Most-- Mostly me.
[Giggles]
Are you drunk?
I started taking nips from your
binoculars to calm my nerves,
but then when things
started going so well,
it turned into
a celebration. I mean...
[Inhales sharply]
...this is the kind of night
that careers
are built on.
[Giggles]
-Yeah, that's great.
Are you aware that Art
is insanely racist?
Yeah. I mean t-that's
why we're in such a -- such
a hurry to push him out.
But the only way
that Art will go quietly
is if we promise to hand the
booth over to a "baseball man,"
which is Art code
for "a white guy."
[Giggles]
What are you telling me -- that
I didn't really earn this job,
that I didn't actually
beat out Raj?
[Laughing] Oh, no.
Of course not.
I mean, Raj is the best!
I gotta go.
The -- The binocular whiskey's
going right through me!
[Laughs, echoes]
[Door closes]
♪♪
[Crowd cheering]
[Muttering]
[Door closes]
Hey.
Did your boy
steal my wallet?
I -- Wha--
I'm sorry?
Well,
I don't blame him.
It was my fault for leaving
it out when he was around.
[Chuckles]
-You know -- I don't...
No, Charles didn't steal
your wallet.
Oh, really?
-Yeah.
-How can you be so sure?
Uh, because Charles is the most
honest and hardworking person
I've ever met in my life.
-Oh.
I mean, I'm bringing him on
as my producer next season.
Oh, a producer?
Here?
Well, I won't
let that happen.
Only real baseball men
allowed in this booth.
We'll talk about it
later.
Art, I --
Boy, howdy, folks.
[Pills clattering]
A big ARTlanta hello
to our national viewers.
Still zeroes across
the board for New York.
Let's see if our boys
can bring this one
on home for supper.
Folks,
you know what's funny?
The younger generation,
they always love
to talk about
the elephant in the room,
the one thing best left unsaid
in situations like this.
Call me a traditionalist, but I
say let a sleeping dog lie.
I don't know, Art.
Some conversations, though,
they really do
need to be had.
I mean, some sleeping dogs,
they need to get woke.
[Pills clatter]
Sometimes you gotta call
a spade a spade.
This is not one of the times.
It's a tradition.
Folks, som--
Yeah, but some traditions,
shouldn't they die, Art?
For example,
racism in this country.
Jim, now's
not the time --
Did you or did you not just
recklessly accuse
my friend Charles
of stealing your wallet?
Art?
-[Chuckles]
-Hm?
Folks, what happened is,
my wallet went missing,
and Jim's little friend was
the only kid in the booth.
Yeah, no, he means the only
black kid in the booth, folks.
Whitney: Oh, God.
Oh, God.
For the record, I happen
to have a beautiful
relationship with the blacks.
-Oh, my God!
Do you hear yourself anymore?
I mean, are you joking?!
All right,
cool off there, Sparky.
This Atlanta heat's
got you beat.
Hey, Art, would that
be your wallet?
-Well, whoopsie-doopsie!
-"Oopsie-doopsie!"
Really? That's all you
have to say for yourself?
Oh, my God!
Jim, uh, let's you and I
agree to disagree
and get back to the game.
No, how about we disagree
to agree, Art?
Because, you know, I can't
speak for all the people
of color in this country.
I'm just one old white guy
telling another old white guy
that we will not stand
this kind of hatred anymore.
[Jeering]
Oh, my God!
Racism is the fist that's
punching American right
in its own dick, Art.
That's the conversation
we really should be having.
Nobody cares about
your stupid no-hitter.
[Bat cracks]
Oh, shit.
There goes a no-hitter.
[Slurring]
And here comes the pitch.
Oh! It's in the dirt!
And nobody cares, God damn it,
because it's bourbon.
It's not even a baseball.
Shit.
Why'd I spill that out?
[Sighs]
There you are.
Brockmire, you --
-Wow! Hey, oh!
-Son of a bitch!
-Hey! H-Hey!
Okay, okay!
I knew I shouldn't have
trusted you.
You couldn't even stay
sober for one game!
Oh, I was sober.
I was definitely sober.
I swear to God.
I'm not now,
but I-I called the game sober.
-Then why?!
-Why?!
Art -- I mean, he pretends
to be "Cosby Show" Bill Cosby,
but he's actually
"hide your drinks" Bill Cosby.
I mean, God damn it,
I had to say something.
No!
No, you didn't!
All you had to do was
stay silent for three outs,
but you couldn't do that,
could you?
I'm sorry. I am very sorry.
I really am. I --
Hey, at least Raj
gets the job now.
Isn't that what you wanted?
-No.
They won't hire Raj now
because it'll look like
they're "caving to pressure."
And they needed a scapegoat
for this televised pig fuck,
[Voice breaking]
and they fired me!
[Sobbing]
All right, just give me two of
your best shots with that thing.
Come on.
[Dog barks in distance,
hip-hop music plays on stereo]
♪♪
Charles, Charles,
oh, my God.
Look, look --
you're trending on Twitter.
#CharlesWalletJinx.
♪♪
Oh, no.
[Bottles rattle]
♪♪
Uh, Charles?
Why does my apartment
look like young, black Google?
You weren't supposed
to be back this early.
Oh, well, when you shit the bed,
you kinda have to find
a new place to sleep,
and I did that.
Ooh, I took an ungodly dump
on my hotel bed.
Figured I'd
come on home early.
What i--
What's going on in here?
I'm starting
a few other podcasts.
You did all this
in the last 12 hours?
The last three months,
actually.
Wow!
So, this is
our staff, huh?
Hey, Two Hands.
Hi, yes. Hi.
Do me a favor --
get me a Bloody Mary, please.
My head
is just pounding.
Uh, actually...
Jim, this is my team.
You can't be involved.
What do you mean,
I can't be involved? Why not?
Well, it's called
Gradient.
And it's a podcast
media company.
It's gonna be podcasts
by people of color...
for people of color.
Well, um,
what about that guy?
Oh, that's Garret.
He's just cool.
-Well, I can be cool.
-No, you can't.
Yeah, he's actually right.
You can't be cool. Sorry.
Um, who the hell
is that?
This is Yvonne.
She's my girlfriend.
Your girl--
You have a girlfriend?
And you didn't tell me about it?
-I'm sorry.
You were supposed to go
to Atlanta and stay.
What was I gonna do?
I started my own thing.
Well,
I didn't get Atlanta
'cause I was too busy
sticking up for you!
I didn't ask you
to do that!
If I was there, I would have
told you 100% do not do that.
Art was on his way out.
What could you possibly
have accomplished?
I was protecting you
from racism, Charles!
Woman: Ohhhh.
Mm, mm, mm.
It-- It's actually
kinda cute.
I've heard enough
out of you, Yoko.
Actually, Yoko was
a very talented,
avant-garde
performance artist.
I-I don't know
what you are.
I experience racism
every day.
I have to deal with
racism before I deal
with my morning wood.
It's something
I'm used to.
I can handle it.
You experience racism
one time,
and you flip out
and throw everything away.
I threw every--
I did?!
You're the one who's jumping
ship first chance you get.
And I gotta tell you
something, Charles,
you would be nothing
without me.
Without me, you would still
be in Morristown.
Oh, that is
absolutely true!
♪♪
All right, look, I want you
and your friends
out of here right now.
I own this loft.
Not you.
So, I'm gonna ask
you to leave.
Fine.
[Scoffs]
♪♪
I have to get
some clean underwear.
I wasn't kidding about
that ungodly dump.
♪♪