Broad City (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - Artsy Fartsy - full transcript
Abbi is invited to a fancy art event; Ilana and Lincoln have a one-year relationship check-in.
This bookshop rules. I get it...
- Paper, not screens.
- Yeah.
Oof, I can't stop thinking about
this prix-fixe pasta tasting
- at Dobby tonight.
- Wait a second.
You're going to Dobby tonight?
- Girl, yah.
- Dude, you didn't tell me that.
I saw that chef on "Chef's
Table." She's incredible.
I love a restaurant run by women
'cause they don't rape
or molest their employees,
- and the food just tastes better.
- Yeah.
Also, I told them already
that you don't eat beef.
Why?
So there's no beef on your plate?
Ilana, I'm not coming
to your one-year
anniversary dinner tonight.
Don't be a bitch. Who's gonna mediate?
Right, it's the
anniversary/renegotiation
relationship-check-in.
Dude, this is big. Do you have
all your deal points prepared?
You Sade-Baderinwa believe I do!
[CHUCKLES] Dope.
[GASPS] There they are.
♪♪
That's good placement.
Wow.
Gor-gous!
♪♪
You took the lemons of being
fired from Anthropologie
and turned them into gorgeous, artistic,
bad-bitch-gettin'-shit-done lemonade.
Yeah, I mean, thank God
those cards are in here.
I'm exhausted from working
on my art all day
and catering every night. I needed this.
Abbi Abrams.
Donna? Oh, my God. I haven't
seen you since college, dude.
- Hi!
- Hi! [SIGHS]
- Wait. Is this...
- So good to see you!
- You, too.
- Smelly Pussy Donna?
Ilana.
I am s... I am so sorry.
I'm truly sorry. That is so rude.
I am... I am so sorry.
Clearly that got relayed from me.
This is my best friend, Ilana.
And she didn't mean
to say that out loud.
It's okay. I officially own
that nickname,
because I beat my smelly pussy.
It only took probiotics
and six years of therapy,
but I'm officially free
of malodorous pudenda.
- That's amazing.
- Smelly pussy.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
I've actually used my horrible
story to inspire other women.
I just gave a TAD Talk.
You gave a TED Talk about it?
No, uh, TADTalk.
Oh. Cool.
What are you up to?
Are you still doing your art?
I really loved her art.
She was so talented.
Thanks so much.
I... Yeah, I mean, I'm trying.
She's not trying. She is succeeding.
She's selling her cards
in the store right now!
Okay, these are literally so cute.
I just had the best idea.
I'm a coordinator at MoMA.
- [GASPS]
- Cool? That's amazing.
And we're having
an incredible party tonight.
Would you guys please come
as my close personal guests?
[SIGHS] I have this dinner
I have to go to.
That sucks we can't go.
Ohh.
Well, I mean...
Icould still go, like, alone.
Whoa.
I guess you could.
Okay, so you're gonna go. Great.
Yeah, I've put you on the list,
and they are excited to meet you.
Oh, my gosh.[BIKE BELL DINGS]
[SIGHS] My Pediphile is here.
- Huh?
- What, now?
Oh. Pediphile is an app
for people who are obsessed
with pedicabs.
I became obsessed with them in college
when I needed to air out
my vagina, because...
the smelly pussy thing.
Also, it's so convenient to get around.
You guys should think
about getting the app.
I am a co-founder. Full-disclosure.
- All right, I'll see you tonight, Donna.
- Don't forget to dress sexy!
I got to see this bitch
get into a pedicab.
- Wow.
- Wow.
See you tonight!
Smelly Pussy Donna.
I wouldn't notair my pussy out
in a pedicab.
Yeah. Me, neither.
♪ Four and three and two
and one... one ♪
♪♪
Dude, tonight is so cool.
A party at MoMA? Come on!
Yeah, I mean, I have to cancel
my catering shift,
but MoMA's, like, so worth it.
So worth it.
I'm a little nervous about going alone.
No, you'll have Smelly Pussy Donna...
- Donna. You'll have Donna.
- I mean, I could also ask,
like, another one of my friends.
Yeah!
Like, um...
I could ask the...
No, I...
You know what? It's cool to go alone.
It iscool, 'cause then
I don't have to explain
all the art-world ins and outs
to someone. Like, it's a lot.
You know what? I'm gonna call Kevin.
Perfect. I'm gonna pet this dog.
- Okay. Great.
- Hi!
Hello! Oh, hi!
[PHONE LINE RINGING]
Hey! Kevin.
- Who is this?
- It's Abbi?
So, listen, this kind of, like,
really-big-deal thing
came up tonight, art-wise,
and I was wondering
if maybe someone could cover my shift?
Fuck!
Tonight is already gonna
be really intense,
and it's too late to find
someone to cover you.
But I guess we'll just have
to make do without you.
Yes! Okay. Thank you so much, Kevin.
- I owe you one.
- You go for it, girl.
[CLICK]Okay.
Ooh, hot and heavy over here,
huh? Does Lincoln know?
Well, I did have a polyamory
clause in my deal tonight,
but now I have to add
a bestiality clause.
[CHUCKLES]
- I thought it was funny.
- Thank you.
♪♪
Happy anniversary/
renegotiation/check-in.
Yaas!
All right. All right.
Look at that wrapping. [LAUGHS]
That's for you. That's part of it.
- What is this?
- It is your very own
handmade Experience Coupon Book.
Okay.
- "Handjob."
- Whoop!
"Dry"?
I prefer wet.
Picnic in the park.
Blowjob, wet.
Zoo day.
Anal!
This is awesome. This is a quantified,
organized list
of the stuff we already do.
- I love it. Thank you.
- Yay!
All right. My turn.
Okay. Okay.
♪♪
[RETCHES, HYPERVENTILATES]
♪♪
Mm...
[SIGHS] Phew.
I mean phew.
I farted, and it went, like,
up my dress and up my nose,
and then it dissipated...
Okay. "Jewess"? Yes!
I saw them, and I thought of you.
Why?
Just kidding.
♪♪
[GASPS] Art.
[GASPS] Asymmetrical hairstyles.
Unabashed confidence.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
[GASPS] Helicopter!
Abbi!
[GASPS] Kevin!
Thank God you came after all.
I was actually going to fire you
for bailing tonight,
but here you are,
in your bizarrely gorgeous
catering ware.
[CHUCKLES] Here I am!
We've got asparagus spears
that still need to be trayed up,
and then you can grab a tray of
riblets and start passing them.
Did you bring your beret?
Oh, I-I forgot the beret.
It's okay. Just meet me in the garden.
I brought an extra one!
This is our first pasta tasting,
the bucatini tartufo.
Mushrooms were milled in Hudson,
and they were foraged just this morning.
Oh. Nice.
- Gorgeous.
- One down.
11 to go. Let's enjoy this food
before we get down to business.
I agree. See, we are already
wonderful at negotiating.
Yeah.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
- God damn.
- I'm, like, literally, like,
getting, like, buttery wet like the...
- Yeah.
- Like the noodles.
I would raw-dog this pasta
even if I knew it had a disease.
[AS CARDI B] I'm a gassy bitch.
I eat shtinky food! Whoo!
♪♪
Garlic rosemary lamb riblets
with a mint compote?
[ALL CHATTER EXCITEDLY]
Ab!
- Abbi! Hi!
- Dude, what's up?
I'm so sorry.
Hey!
Mwah! Mwah!
Thanks so much for coming.
It means so much to me.
No, thank you for inviting me.
- Of course.
- This is awesome.
Ugh. God.
What?
Jeffrey Sean Michael Thomas is here.
He has nudes of me. Sick stuff.
Let's go play nice.
O-Okay.
Hello!
Ding dong!
Let me get in here.
- Let me get in.
- And so I said,
"What is this, Sotheby's?"
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, my God! Can I borrow your phone?
- Excuse me.
- Oh!
Garlic rosemary lamb riblet
with mint compote?
Jesus.
This is a spiritual experience.
All right, Lincoln.
Hmm?
Shall we?
All right.
♪♪
As we look ahead at the upcoming year,
I would like to discuss the deal
points regarding sexual exploration,
starting with the roller-coaster idea.
That's a no for me, dawg.
Roller coasters are already scary enough
without me having my dick out.
Plus, there's pictures,
and they project the pictures
at the end.
Nobody should see that.
I just think it would be thrilling.
I can give you Ferris wheel.
Deal! I like that better, actually.
Up-and-down-vibes.
I'd like to bring up the item
of rom-coms.
Don't know where we're
gonna get on this, Lincoln.
I want to watch four rom-coms a year.
I object because they are
offensive to women.
That is subjective.
I gotta push back,
and I'll give you two.
Three. No laughing at them.
Only laughing withthem.
Give you two laughing at them,
and one laughing with them.
- Deal.
- Whew!
Can I approach the bench?
Yes, you can.
♪♪
Aah!
Hi-i-i-i!
- Hey.
- How are you?
- Good.
- You smell good.
Thank you.
Hopper went to MICA, as well!
Dope! So, Hopper, what do you do now?
I work at a gallery uptown part-time,
and I paint in my studio
as much as I can.
I teach occasionally at Hunter
undergrad as a sub.
I heard you had the best time
at that residency program out West.
- How was it?
- Yeah, it was great.
It was a nice mix of studio time
and teaching.
- It was really nice.
- Beautiful.
Wow. That sounds better
than... anything I've done
in the past eight years.
Oh, I'm sure that's not true.
No, it is.
You know what?
I'm gonna send you some links
- to some programs, okay?
- Awesome, yeah.
And also, you are going
to mingle tonight, believe me.
- Okay, I will. Yeah.
- Okay, you know who I'd like
to mingle with, though?
Those canapés right behind you.
- Sir? Excuse me. The food?
- Oh, my God.
- Hi.
- I-I'm gonna tie my shoe!
- Describe!
- Okay.
Salmon and cucumber twist
with a dollop of crème fraîche.
- Okay.
- And our salmon
is cured with beetroot.
If I start choking, do not resuscitate.
- This is how I want to go.
- [LAUGHS]
Hysterical.
Okay.
Ohh.
My laces get tangled.
Food! Oh, you know what? I'm gonna go...
I'm gonna go find them.
'Cause that looks so good.
I'm gonna go get me some of that.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Oh, my God. Shit.
Such a character.
Do you have any coke...
I've always known
how to clear out a room.
Okay, moving on with the proceedings.
I would like to look
at the next article,
which is a suspension
period in monogamy.
If we are gonna do this
for another beautiful year,
I would like to make out with five...
ty... "fivety" people.
50 people.
Ilana.
Two.
And I have to know about them.
[SQUEALING] Okay! Dope!
I mean deal.
Communication is dope.
On the long-term front,
I would like to bring up an issue
with the state of Maryland.
- Mm-hmm.
- I think I'd like to move there.
You just want to up and move
to middle-of-nowhere Maryland?
Well, I'm from there,
so my whole family would be there.
My brother's a dentist, also,
and we've always wanted
to start our own practice,
"The Tooth Factory."
And there's lots of great schools there.
Schools? So, w-w-what,
like, cars drive around them
slower, and it's safer to walk?
No. Schools are...
for the children that I father
to attend.
Are we... Are we still
discussing thisyear?
I don't really remember
reviewing this for my notes.
Well, I guess while looking
at this year's points,
I looked ahead at next year
and the year after that.
Is this about the rom-coms?
'Cause I'll watch one
every weekend, you know?
And I'll just rip a bong
and laugh really sincerely,
and I'll learn to love them.
No, it's just that,
I want to buy a house.
I've been looking on Zillow.
Houses aren't even
that expensive in Maryland.
And I want to have kids,
and I want to get married.
Lincoln, I'm only 27.
What am I, a child bride?
You know, I don't know
that I never want it.
I just definitely
don't want it right now.
I could commit to a kid
when I'm like... 43.
Lincoln, I just figured out
that I want to go back to school
and focus on my wizness.
I'm on a New York City timeline.
Do you ever think
you'd change your mind?
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS,
SILVERWARE CLINKING]
At this point,
I can't move on this.
I have no counter.
I-I...
I have no counter.
Well, these points are
non-negotiable for me.
♪♪
♪♪
♪ Shawty says she hate my lifestyle ♪
♪ She hate my friends,
feel like my life wild ♪
♪ She hate my lifestyle ♪
♪ I wrote this shit up in the Chi ♪
♪ All right! All right! ♪
♪ That's where I get all my thoughts ♪
♪ All right! All right! ♪
♪ She don't like it, like it, though ♪
♪ All right! All right! ♪
♪ That's why you lookin' real soft ♪
♪ All right! All right! ♪
♪ Damn it, man, I feel like twice ♪
Riblets!♪ It feel like scheisse ♪
♪ She stayin' at my house,
it been a few ♪
♪♪
Riblets. Am I right?
♪♪
[GROANING]
[COUGHS]
♪♪
God. Watch it!
S... I am sorry.
[GLASS SHATTERS]Shit!
Ohh. I'm so sorry!
- Abbi!
- Abbi?!
- Oh, my God.
- I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Uh, we were short caterers,
and Abbi's never really been
talented with the tray, so...
Oh, I'm so sorry. Actually,
Abbi's an up-and-coming artist
and my personal guest, not a caterer.
Um, yes, she is.
So, I-I'm... I-I'm actually catering,
but I am... am also a-a guest.
Okay, Ab, We're gonna need you
to start loading some dirties
into a van, so...
Totally. I will do that.
- Liars aren't cool.
- No, I-I kn...
I don't think they're cool, either.
You know what?
I have to go find some canapés,
- clear my mind.
- Donna, I can get you canapés.
I can... I can g...
I have access to all of them.
♪♪
Don't worry about her.
She can get her own canapés.
It's not that bad!
I don't even like this dress.
It's too yellow.
I am so sorry.
This is not how
this was supposed to go down.
I was so excited to be here
tonight as a guest
with all these cool art people.
I mean, I'm actually an artist, too.
I'm just not, like, a... a real one.
Well, you might not want to say that.
But it's smart to have
a flexible service job
so that you can make art.
I waited tables for years.
And I spilled on lots of people.
In fact, half my pieces are inspired
by people I've spilled on.
Well, what are your pieces like?
You might know my work.
I'm Toy Harris.
[SCOFFS, LAUGHS]
[GASPS]
You're T... You're Toy Harris?
[LAUGHS]
Holy shit, dude.
- Oh, my God.
- You're Toy Harris?
- Yeah.
- You're the third floor.
It took us years of protesting,
but we're here.
- I cannot bel...
- It's okay.
You... You... I c...
So, you want to just... you know.
I can't believe I spill...
I spilled on Toy Harris.
I spilled on Toy Harris!
- Okay.
- I am getting dizzy!
- This is insane!
- All right, then.
Good night.
Oh, my God. Okay.
Ooh!
This is not her night.
Bah!
- Ohh.
- Bee!
Hee-hee-hoo!
What do they do? Hoo-hoo-hee!
Put your head out of the window
now for fresh air!
Ohh!
- Ay! Zy-yo-wah!
- [FARTING]
Please keep your head
out of the window, okay?
You keep your head
out of the window t...
[FARTING]
You keep your head out, too.
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
- [BOTH COUGHING]
Your blood pressure's low.
You probably fainted from low
blood sugar and dehydration.
Your girlfriend said
you narrowly missed fainting
into something dangerous...
a sculpture, I think?
Oh, wait, is Ilana here?
No, she's not my girlfriend.
People do talk, though.
No, uh, Donna?
The woman who brought you in.
Yeah, yeah, Smelly Pussy Do... Donna.
No, Donna's just my friend.
No, I-I don't have
a, um, boyfriend or...
ora-a girlfriend.
That's... surprising.
You just seem like you would.
Oh. Thanks.
No, you, too. You see... I mean,
obviously, you have one...
You do. You're a doctor,
- so of cour...
- I don't.
Cool.
[FART]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Ohh. Fart away, man.
[BOTH GROAN]
God, I'm full.
You know, while I was, um,
breaking your toilet,
I had a lot of time to think, and...
I'm meant to be a polyamorous queen.
I understand.
You got too much love
for just one person.
You are so special.
Such a heart on you.
You're gonna be
an amazing dad and husband.
And you should have those things
if you want them.
I just don't know that I do right now.
You'll figure it out when it's right.
Do you think I'll figure it out
like you,
by the time I'm 40?
I'm 32.
You know, that coupon book
never expires.
- Yeah?
- [LAUGHS]
So say you have kids,
and you have a wife,
and you guys are, like,
doin' the suburban grind,
I will fly in.
I'll hold on to it.
[SIGHS]
- What?
- Is it insane
that I'm still hungry?
Nope, not at all.
And that's why I brought
the cake in here.
♪♪
That is a good friend.
Wow.
Yep.
Mm.
♪♪
Okay. So, this is for glucose tablets.
- Okay.
- Not a bad idea
to carry them with you just in case.
And if you're still
feeling weak tomorrow,
I'd make an appointment
with your regular doctor,
but you look great to me.
Okay.
So, uh, is that... That's it?
Um, unless there's something
else I can do for you.
N... I-I don't think so.
Okay. Well...
it was nice to meet you, Abbi.
Yeah, it was nice to meet you,
too, Dr. Marnel.
You know, since we're done,
why don't you call me Leslie?
Okay.
Leslie.
- Hey, Leslie.
- Yes?
Um, I was just thinking,
would it be illegal or whatever
if I...
if I got your phone number?
It would not be illegal.
So, even though it was
a conscious uncoupling,
and we will stay friends,
it was, um, devastating
and tragically bittersweet
and fully broke my heart. [CHUCKLES]
Obviously, you had a shitty night, too.
I mean, look at you. You know,
let's never be apart again.
And I'm just praying
that your nose returns
to its beautiful goyish shape.
Okay, so, my night
was, like, kind of nuts.
- Mm.
- It started off pretty bad,
you know...
typical failure after failure.
But then I realized, like,
I need to put myself out there
alone, to meet all these,
like, rad art contacts.
- Right?
- Dude, I met Toy Harris.
Whoa! Who is that, though?
Yeah. She's, like,
this incredible artist.
And Smelly Pussy Donna was dope.
She, like, introduced me
to all these people
who told me about all these
artist residencies.
She's kind of like my... friend.
Totally! Right?
Yeah. And then, at the E.R.,
you know, after I smashed my face,
- there was this hot doctor.
- Okay!
And we, like, really hit it off.
And then I realized the only reason
I wasn't automatically asking them out
was because she was a woman.
You don't say.
- Yeah. So then I just did it.
- Mm!
We're gonna go out on Friday night. Yes!
It was really
a transformative night, dude.
So cool. Yes!
Yes! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool!
Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool!
Cool! Cool! C-C-Cool!
Cool. That is so... cool.
We just both had these sort of
life-altering nights
out there on our own. Yes!
- [CHUCKLING]
- Yeah.
♪♪
So, let's watch this thing, huh?
Yeah. Found it.[APPLAUSE, MUSIC PLAYING]
Hello. My name is Donna Donatachi.
Back in college, they used
to call me Smelly Pussy Donna.
Well, not anymore!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Read my lips... Yo-gurt!
My nipples are hard.
Um, yeah, my balls tinglin' from this.
- Wow. Mmm.
- Yeah.
- Mmm.
- As a man, we're usually
not capable of multiple orgasms, but...
Mm. Mm-hmm.
this makes that false.
- Paper, not screens.
- Yeah.
Oof, I can't stop thinking about
this prix-fixe pasta tasting
- at Dobby tonight.
- Wait a second.
You're going to Dobby tonight?
- Girl, yah.
- Dude, you didn't tell me that.
I saw that chef on "Chef's
Table." She's incredible.
I love a restaurant run by women
'cause they don't rape
or molest their employees,
- and the food just tastes better.
- Yeah.
Also, I told them already
that you don't eat beef.
Why?
So there's no beef on your plate?
Ilana, I'm not coming
to your one-year
anniversary dinner tonight.
Don't be a bitch. Who's gonna mediate?
Right, it's the
anniversary/renegotiation
relationship-check-in.
Dude, this is big. Do you have
all your deal points prepared?
You Sade-Baderinwa believe I do!
[CHUCKLES] Dope.
[GASPS] There they are.
♪♪
That's good placement.
Wow.
Gor-gous!
♪♪
You took the lemons of being
fired from Anthropologie
and turned them into gorgeous, artistic,
bad-bitch-gettin'-shit-done lemonade.
Yeah, I mean, thank God
those cards are in here.
I'm exhausted from working
on my art all day
and catering every night. I needed this.
Abbi Abrams.
Donna? Oh, my God. I haven't
seen you since college, dude.
- Hi!
- Hi! [SIGHS]
- Wait. Is this...
- So good to see you!
- You, too.
- Smelly Pussy Donna?
Ilana.
I am s... I am so sorry.
I'm truly sorry. That is so rude.
I am... I am so sorry.
Clearly that got relayed from me.
This is my best friend, Ilana.
And she didn't mean
to say that out loud.
It's okay. I officially own
that nickname,
because I beat my smelly pussy.
It only took probiotics
and six years of therapy,
but I'm officially free
of malodorous pudenda.
- That's amazing.
- Smelly pussy.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
I've actually used my horrible
story to inspire other women.
I just gave a TAD Talk.
You gave a TED Talk about it?
No, uh, TADTalk.
Oh. Cool.
What are you up to?
Are you still doing your art?
I really loved her art.
She was so talented.
Thanks so much.
I... Yeah, I mean, I'm trying.
She's not trying. She is succeeding.
She's selling her cards
in the store right now!
Okay, these are literally so cute.
I just had the best idea.
I'm a coordinator at MoMA.
- [GASPS]
- Cool? That's amazing.
And we're having
an incredible party tonight.
Would you guys please come
as my close personal guests?
[SIGHS] I have this dinner
I have to go to.
That sucks we can't go.
Ohh.
Well, I mean...
Icould still go, like, alone.
Whoa.
I guess you could.
Okay, so you're gonna go. Great.
Yeah, I've put you on the list,
and they are excited to meet you.
Oh, my gosh.[BIKE BELL DINGS]
[SIGHS] My Pediphile is here.
- Huh?
- What, now?
Oh. Pediphile is an app
for people who are obsessed
with pedicabs.
I became obsessed with them in college
when I needed to air out
my vagina, because...
the smelly pussy thing.
Also, it's so convenient to get around.
You guys should think
about getting the app.
I am a co-founder. Full-disclosure.
- All right, I'll see you tonight, Donna.
- Don't forget to dress sexy!
I got to see this bitch
get into a pedicab.
- Wow.
- Wow.
See you tonight!
Smelly Pussy Donna.
I wouldn't notair my pussy out
in a pedicab.
Yeah. Me, neither.
♪ Four and three and two
and one... one ♪
♪♪
Dude, tonight is so cool.
A party at MoMA? Come on!
Yeah, I mean, I have to cancel
my catering shift,
but MoMA's, like, so worth it.
So worth it.
I'm a little nervous about going alone.
No, you'll have Smelly Pussy Donna...
- Donna. You'll have Donna.
- I mean, I could also ask,
like, another one of my friends.
Yeah!
Like, um...
I could ask the...
No, I...
You know what? It's cool to go alone.
It iscool, 'cause then
I don't have to explain
all the art-world ins and outs
to someone. Like, it's a lot.
You know what? I'm gonna call Kevin.
Perfect. I'm gonna pet this dog.
- Okay. Great.
- Hi!
Hello! Oh, hi!
[PHONE LINE RINGING]
Hey! Kevin.
- Who is this?
- It's Abbi?
So, listen, this kind of, like,
really-big-deal thing
came up tonight, art-wise,
and I was wondering
if maybe someone could cover my shift?
Fuck!
Tonight is already gonna
be really intense,
and it's too late to find
someone to cover you.
But I guess we'll just have
to make do without you.
Yes! Okay. Thank you so much, Kevin.
- I owe you one.
- You go for it, girl.
[CLICK]Okay.
Ooh, hot and heavy over here,
huh? Does Lincoln know?
Well, I did have a polyamory
clause in my deal tonight,
but now I have to add
a bestiality clause.
[CHUCKLES]
- I thought it was funny.
- Thank you.
♪♪
Happy anniversary/
renegotiation/check-in.
Yaas!
All right. All right.
Look at that wrapping. [LAUGHS]
That's for you. That's part of it.
- What is this?
- It is your very own
handmade Experience Coupon Book.
Okay.
- "Handjob."
- Whoop!
"Dry"?
I prefer wet.
Picnic in the park.
Blowjob, wet.
Zoo day.
Anal!
This is awesome. This is a quantified,
organized list
of the stuff we already do.
- I love it. Thank you.
- Yay!
All right. My turn.
Okay. Okay.
♪♪
[RETCHES, HYPERVENTILATES]
♪♪
Mm...
[SIGHS] Phew.
I mean phew.
I farted, and it went, like,
up my dress and up my nose,
and then it dissipated...
Okay. "Jewess"? Yes!
I saw them, and I thought of you.
Why?
Just kidding.
♪♪
[GASPS] Art.
[GASPS] Asymmetrical hairstyles.
Unabashed confidence.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
[GASPS] Helicopter!
Abbi!
[GASPS] Kevin!
Thank God you came after all.
I was actually going to fire you
for bailing tonight,
but here you are,
in your bizarrely gorgeous
catering ware.
[CHUCKLES] Here I am!
We've got asparagus spears
that still need to be trayed up,
and then you can grab a tray of
riblets and start passing them.
Did you bring your beret?
Oh, I-I forgot the beret.
It's okay. Just meet me in the garden.
I brought an extra one!
This is our first pasta tasting,
the bucatini tartufo.
Mushrooms were milled in Hudson,
and they were foraged just this morning.
Oh. Nice.
- Gorgeous.
- One down.
11 to go. Let's enjoy this food
before we get down to business.
I agree. See, we are already
wonderful at negotiating.
Yeah.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
- God damn.
- I'm, like, literally, like,
getting, like, buttery wet like the...
- Yeah.
- Like the noodles.
I would raw-dog this pasta
even if I knew it had a disease.
[AS CARDI B] I'm a gassy bitch.
I eat shtinky food! Whoo!
♪♪
Garlic rosemary lamb riblets
with a mint compote?
[ALL CHATTER EXCITEDLY]
Ab!
- Abbi! Hi!
- Dude, what's up?
I'm so sorry.
Hey!
Mwah! Mwah!
Thanks so much for coming.
It means so much to me.
No, thank you for inviting me.
- Of course.
- This is awesome.
Ugh. God.
What?
Jeffrey Sean Michael Thomas is here.
He has nudes of me. Sick stuff.
Let's go play nice.
O-Okay.
Hello!
Ding dong!
Let me get in here.
- Let me get in.
- And so I said,
"What is this, Sotheby's?"
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, my God! Can I borrow your phone?
- Excuse me.
- Oh!
Garlic rosemary lamb riblet
with mint compote?
Jesus.
This is a spiritual experience.
All right, Lincoln.
Hmm?
Shall we?
All right.
♪♪
As we look ahead at the upcoming year,
I would like to discuss the deal
points regarding sexual exploration,
starting with the roller-coaster idea.
That's a no for me, dawg.
Roller coasters are already scary enough
without me having my dick out.
Plus, there's pictures,
and they project the pictures
at the end.
Nobody should see that.
I just think it would be thrilling.
I can give you Ferris wheel.
Deal! I like that better, actually.
Up-and-down-vibes.
I'd like to bring up the item
of rom-coms.
Don't know where we're
gonna get on this, Lincoln.
I want to watch four rom-coms a year.
I object because they are
offensive to women.
That is subjective.
I gotta push back,
and I'll give you two.
Three. No laughing at them.
Only laughing withthem.
Give you two laughing at them,
and one laughing with them.
- Deal.
- Whew!
Can I approach the bench?
Yes, you can.
♪♪
Aah!
Hi-i-i-i!
- Hey.
- How are you?
- Good.
- You smell good.
Thank you.
Hopper went to MICA, as well!
Dope! So, Hopper, what do you do now?
I work at a gallery uptown part-time,
and I paint in my studio
as much as I can.
I teach occasionally at Hunter
undergrad as a sub.
I heard you had the best time
at that residency program out West.
- How was it?
- Yeah, it was great.
It was a nice mix of studio time
and teaching.
- It was really nice.
- Beautiful.
Wow. That sounds better
than... anything I've done
in the past eight years.
Oh, I'm sure that's not true.
No, it is.
You know what?
I'm gonna send you some links
- to some programs, okay?
- Awesome, yeah.
And also, you are going
to mingle tonight, believe me.
- Okay, I will. Yeah.
- Okay, you know who I'd like
to mingle with, though?
Those canapés right behind you.
- Sir? Excuse me. The food?
- Oh, my God.
- Hi.
- I-I'm gonna tie my shoe!
- Describe!
- Okay.
Salmon and cucumber twist
with a dollop of crème fraîche.
- Okay.
- And our salmon
is cured with beetroot.
If I start choking, do not resuscitate.
- This is how I want to go.
- [LAUGHS]
Hysterical.
Okay.
Ohh.
My laces get tangled.
Food! Oh, you know what? I'm gonna go...
I'm gonna go find them.
'Cause that looks so good.
I'm gonna go get me some of that.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Oh, my God. Shit.
Such a character.
Do you have any coke...
I've always known
how to clear out a room.
Okay, moving on with the proceedings.
I would like to look
at the next article,
which is a suspension
period in monogamy.
If we are gonna do this
for another beautiful year,
I would like to make out with five...
ty... "fivety" people.
50 people.
Ilana.
Two.
And I have to know about them.
[SQUEALING] Okay! Dope!
I mean deal.
Communication is dope.
On the long-term front,
I would like to bring up an issue
with the state of Maryland.
- Mm-hmm.
- I think I'd like to move there.
You just want to up and move
to middle-of-nowhere Maryland?
Well, I'm from there,
so my whole family would be there.
My brother's a dentist, also,
and we've always wanted
to start our own practice,
"The Tooth Factory."
And there's lots of great schools there.
Schools? So, w-w-what,
like, cars drive around them
slower, and it's safer to walk?
No. Schools are...
for the children that I father
to attend.
Are we... Are we still
discussing thisyear?
I don't really remember
reviewing this for my notes.
Well, I guess while looking
at this year's points,
I looked ahead at next year
and the year after that.
Is this about the rom-coms?
'Cause I'll watch one
every weekend, you know?
And I'll just rip a bong
and laugh really sincerely,
and I'll learn to love them.
No, it's just that,
I want to buy a house.
I've been looking on Zillow.
Houses aren't even
that expensive in Maryland.
And I want to have kids,
and I want to get married.
Lincoln, I'm only 27.
What am I, a child bride?
You know, I don't know
that I never want it.
I just definitely
don't want it right now.
I could commit to a kid
when I'm like... 43.
Lincoln, I just figured out
that I want to go back to school
and focus on my wizness.
I'm on a New York City timeline.
Do you ever think
you'd change your mind?
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS,
SILVERWARE CLINKING]
At this point,
I can't move on this.
I have no counter.
I-I...
I have no counter.
Well, these points are
non-negotiable for me.
♪♪
♪♪
♪ Shawty says she hate my lifestyle ♪
♪ She hate my friends,
feel like my life wild ♪
♪ She hate my lifestyle ♪
♪ I wrote this shit up in the Chi ♪
♪ All right! All right! ♪
♪ That's where I get all my thoughts ♪
♪ All right! All right! ♪
♪ She don't like it, like it, though ♪
♪ All right! All right! ♪
♪ That's why you lookin' real soft ♪
♪ All right! All right! ♪
♪ Damn it, man, I feel like twice ♪
Riblets!♪ It feel like scheisse ♪
♪ She stayin' at my house,
it been a few ♪
♪♪
Riblets. Am I right?
♪♪
[GROANING]
[COUGHS]
♪♪
God. Watch it!
S... I am sorry.
[GLASS SHATTERS]Shit!
Ohh. I'm so sorry!
- Abbi!
- Abbi?!
- Oh, my God.
- I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Uh, we were short caterers,
and Abbi's never really been
talented with the tray, so...
Oh, I'm so sorry. Actually,
Abbi's an up-and-coming artist
and my personal guest, not a caterer.
Um, yes, she is.
So, I-I'm... I-I'm actually catering,
but I am... am also a-a guest.
Okay, Ab, We're gonna need you
to start loading some dirties
into a van, so...
Totally. I will do that.
- Liars aren't cool.
- No, I-I kn...
I don't think they're cool, either.
You know what?
I have to go find some canapés,
- clear my mind.
- Donna, I can get you canapés.
I can... I can g...
I have access to all of them.
♪♪
Don't worry about her.
She can get her own canapés.
It's not that bad!
I don't even like this dress.
It's too yellow.
I am so sorry.
This is not how
this was supposed to go down.
I was so excited to be here
tonight as a guest
with all these cool art people.
I mean, I'm actually an artist, too.
I'm just not, like, a... a real one.
Well, you might not want to say that.
But it's smart to have
a flexible service job
so that you can make art.
I waited tables for years.
And I spilled on lots of people.
In fact, half my pieces are inspired
by people I've spilled on.
Well, what are your pieces like?
You might know my work.
I'm Toy Harris.
[SCOFFS, LAUGHS]
[GASPS]
You're T... You're Toy Harris?
[LAUGHS]
Holy shit, dude.
- Oh, my God.
- You're Toy Harris?
- Yeah.
- You're the third floor.
It took us years of protesting,
but we're here.
- I cannot bel...
- It's okay.
You... You... I c...
So, you want to just... you know.
I can't believe I spill...
I spilled on Toy Harris.
I spilled on Toy Harris!
- Okay.
- I am getting dizzy!
- This is insane!
- All right, then.
Good night.
Oh, my God. Okay.
Ooh!
This is not her night.
Bah!
- Ohh.
- Bee!
Hee-hee-hoo!
What do they do? Hoo-hoo-hee!
Put your head out of the window
now for fresh air!
Ohh!
- Ay! Zy-yo-wah!
- [FARTING]
Please keep your head
out of the window, okay?
You keep your head
out of the window t...
[FARTING]
You keep your head out, too.
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
- [BOTH COUGHING]
Your blood pressure's low.
You probably fainted from low
blood sugar and dehydration.
Your girlfriend said
you narrowly missed fainting
into something dangerous...
a sculpture, I think?
Oh, wait, is Ilana here?
No, she's not my girlfriend.
People do talk, though.
No, uh, Donna?
The woman who brought you in.
Yeah, yeah, Smelly Pussy Do... Donna.
No, Donna's just my friend.
No, I-I don't have
a, um, boyfriend or...
ora-a girlfriend.
That's... surprising.
You just seem like you would.
Oh. Thanks.
No, you, too. You see... I mean,
obviously, you have one...
You do. You're a doctor,
- so of cour...
- I don't.
Cool.
[FART]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Ohh. Fart away, man.
[BOTH GROAN]
God, I'm full.
You know, while I was, um,
breaking your toilet,
I had a lot of time to think, and...
I'm meant to be a polyamorous queen.
I understand.
You got too much love
for just one person.
You are so special.
Such a heart on you.
You're gonna be
an amazing dad and husband.
And you should have those things
if you want them.
I just don't know that I do right now.
You'll figure it out when it's right.
Do you think I'll figure it out
like you,
by the time I'm 40?
I'm 32.
You know, that coupon book
never expires.
- Yeah?
- [LAUGHS]
So say you have kids,
and you have a wife,
and you guys are, like,
doin' the suburban grind,
I will fly in.
I'll hold on to it.
[SIGHS]
- What?
- Is it insane
that I'm still hungry?
Nope, not at all.
And that's why I brought
the cake in here.
♪♪
That is a good friend.
Wow.
Yep.
Mm.
♪♪
Okay. So, this is for glucose tablets.
- Okay.
- Not a bad idea
to carry them with you just in case.
And if you're still
feeling weak tomorrow,
I'd make an appointment
with your regular doctor,
but you look great to me.
Okay.
So, uh, is that... That's it?
Um, unless there's something
else I can do for you.
N... I-I don't think so.
Okay. Well...
it was nice to meet you, Abbi.
Yeah, it was nice to meet you,
too, Dr. Marnel.
You know, since we're done,
why don't you call me Leslie?
Okay.
Leslie.
- Hey, Leslie.
- Yes?
Um, I was just thinking,
would it be illegal or whatever
if I...
if I got your phone number?
It would not be illegal.
So, even though it was
a conscious uncoupling,
and we will stay friends,
it was, um, devastating
and tragically bittersweet
and fully broke my heart. [CHUCKLES]
Obviously, you had a shitty night, too.
I mean, look at you. You know,
let's never be apart again.
And I'm just praying
that your nose returns
to its beautiful goyish shape.
Okay, so, my night
was, like, kind of nuts.
- Mm.
- It started off pretty bad,
you know...
typical failure after failure.
But then I realized, like,
I need to put myself out there
alone, to meet all these,
like, rad art contacts.
- Right?
- Dude, I met Toy Harris.
Whoa! Who is that, though?
Yeah. She's, like,
this incredible artist.
And Smelly Pussy Donna was dope.
She, like, introduced me
to all these people
who told me about all these
artist residencies.
She's kind of like my... friend.
Totally! Right?
Yeah. And then, at the E.R.,
you know, after I smashed my face,
- there was this hot doctor.
- Okay!
And we, like, really hit it off.
And then I realized the only reason
I wasn't automatically asking them out
was because she was a woman.
You don't say.
- Yeah. So then I just did it.
- Mm!
We're gonna go out on Friday night. Yes!
It was really
a transformative night, dude.
So cool. Yes!
Yes! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool!
Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool!
Cool! Cool! C-C-Cool!
Cool. That is so... cool.
We just both had these sort of
life-altering nights
out there on our own. Yes!
- [CHUCKLING]
- Yeah.
♪♪
So, let's watch this thing, huh?
Yeah. Found it.[APPLAUSE, MUSIC PLAYING]
Hello. My name is Donna Donatachi.
Back in college, they used
to call me Smelly Pussy Donna.
Well, not anymore!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Read my lips... Yo-gurt!
My nipples are hard.
Um, yeah, my balls tinglin' from this.
- Wow. Mmm.
- Yeah.
- Mmm.
- As a man, we're usually
not capable of multiple orgasms, but...
Mm. Mm-hmm.
this makes that false.