Broad City (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 3 - Episode #5.3 - full transcript
- Don't be scared.
- Okay.
I have an appointment.
Girls, a bra that fits
is the single greatest gift
that one woman can give another.
And if I see either of you two girls
wearing one of those napkins
by Victoria's Secrets,
I will personally come and murder you.
- Booba!
- Hey!
Look what I brought you...
fresh virgin breast meat.
I think I know that I'm a 32C, so...
You have no idea what you are!
Ah, yes, classic baumgarten
shape on these.
Uh-huh. Same inverted
nipple on the right breast?
Of course! She's my little girl.
So let's get started.
Bring out the measuring rod!
Okay!
You have a lump.
It is benign.
Okay, I have to take two bras
and sew together because your
breasts are very different sizes.
Almost as if they were unrelated, hm?
You're are... 28KKK.
- Oof.
- Just call it an L.
Yes!
I feel like I'm not gonna be
able to fit my shirt over this.
Did you insert a back brace
without telling me?
They are absolute perfection.
- Now, what's the damage?
- Two bras comes to $533.
- Holy... expensive.
- (BLEEP) you.
Well, you talk about price-per-wear,
we're talking nickels, okay?
- Let's ring it up. I'm sorry, ladies.
- Okay.
It's wonderful work. Wonderful.
I kind of like mine.
How'd you sleep?
Not well.
You snore like a demon.
No, I don't!
- Yeah, you do.
- No.
Yes, you do. Look at this.
You filmed it?
- Look at that.
- I sound ill.
Yeah, it was very scary,
but then after a while,
it was kind of cute.
- That's cute.
- Come here.
Thank you! That's so cute!
Oh, I have been waiting to replace this,
put in an energy-efficient bulb,
but I had to wait
till it was for-real dead,
'cause if I threw it out
while it was perfectly good,
- that would be so wasteful, you know?
- My eco-warrior princess...
energy-efficient bulbs, not showering.
I'm loving that lady musk.
I just showered.
You're mean.
- Wow.
- Get it.
Oh, my God.
Do you know what this is?
- No.
- It's a Fruit by the Foot wrapper.
Okay.
Good... gaga.
I can't believe this day.
Once upon a time long ago,
didn't know ya,
I was hard-core hooking up
with this very hot,
very old dot-com douche named Brad.
TMI, right? Hate him, loathe him,
- grossed out by him now, you know?
- Yeah.
Thank you for that.
But I gave him
this Waka Flocka Flame ticket,
and in order to pay me back,
he gave me a third of Bitcoin.
And this Fruit by the Foot wrapper,
gnarly as it may be,
is my ticket to that third of Bitcoin.
This is the, like, key,
and the password is...
"Brad has it."
No.
Brad has the... Brad has the password.
Shit.
Hey, dude.
Baby, listen up.
I just found the info for my Bitcoin,
which reminded me, I have a Bitcoin.
Wow, so what are you gonna do?
Like, pay off your student loans
or something?
Sha! Don't think so, Abb.
This Bitcoin money is not
for loans or debt,
not rent nor weed or healthcare
or any other stupid thing.
This money is to get my wiz-ness...
woman-owned business... up and running.
Oh, you mean Phone Wigs?
I'm using mine right now.
Yeah!
I'm gonna submit a patent
as soon as a cash out
my third of a Bitcoin.
Want to come with?
Um, I'd love to, but it's my, uh...
it's my day off, uh,
and so it's laundry day,
and it looks like
I got to clean the washer,
- and...
- No, no!
Are you in that dank dungeon
that they literally
illegally claim to be a laundry room?
You have a job. Drop that shit off.
It just feels so extravagant
to drop off laundry.
We're businesswomen, Abb. Time is money.
I mean, I guess it would be really dope
to have some creative and personal time.
Okay.
- Yay!
- Yay!
Wiz-ness!
Hello.
I'd like to drop this stuff off
for fluff and fold,
and I'm gonna use that time
to enrich my life.
- Okay.
- Great.
Oh, you know what? I'm gonna
put this in there, too.
Thank you.
I'm doing it.
So, it's Abbi with an "I."
Ibbi.
Uh, no, it's actually just Abbi.
I like that less.
You can pick it up in an hour.
Wow, an hour. That's fabulous. Cool.
So, they call it cryptocurrency
'cause it's so damn cryptic.
Nobody really gets it.
Wait, where are you going?
I'm stepping out to give you privacy.
Stay. I-I feel like we have a good vibe.
- Oh, okay, all right.
- Okay, great.
Thank you. So...
You know what I mean?
It's like all my favorite memories
in one place. Ugh, Dongs.
Okay, so, I got to get this burner phone
'cause I used to hook up with this
hot, rich, older, douchey dude
who's now a Bitcoin broker, and
his info is on one of these.
Well, his dick pic is,
so if I find the dick,
I find his number.
Ah, here it is.
Oh, my God, look.
- Do you want to see his dick?
- No.
- Do you want to see my Phone Wigs?
- No, no.
Anyway, so, I found the Bitcoin code
in a ceiling lamp of all places.
Hi. It's me again.
Here you go.
I'm getting a lot done.
A lot of work stuff, you know.
I'm really productive.
Wow, this is it, huh?
I'm just gonna check it out.
Why not, right?
Check out your handiwork.
Oh, my goodness.
You got this grease stain out.
I sat on a funnel cake.
Such a waste.
Let's see if that hoodie string
stayed in the hole, right?
That's the trickiest part.
Okay, I just don't see my...
All right, uh, I'm sorry.
T-The sweatshirt's not in the bag.
It's... Okay, I'll show you
a picture of the sweatshirt.
Okay, this is my favorite sweatshirt.
It's this sweatshirt.
Do you have an itemized list
of what was washed?
No list.
We throw all the clothes for the day
in a bucket with everyone else's stuff,
and then we sort them out by memory.
I'm sorry. We're not responsible.
Wait, what? Y-You can't
just lose people's stuff
and then claim no responsibility.
_
Well, I did not see that.
This is easy to miss.
How did I miss that?
Okay, what happens when
someone's clothes go missing?
They never see them again.
Okay, okay, it probably got
put in the wrong bag, right?
What if you showed me a list of your
other clients that came in today?
- I could call them all myself.
- I cannot do that.
We have patient/client privilege.
Hey, uh, excuse me, sir.
Um, have you seen this sweatshirt?
Okay, that's fine.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yes!
Ow! What the hell?
Oh, no, no, no. I-I'm so sorry. I'm
looking for my favorite sweatshirt.
The laundromat just lost it.
I-It's very important to me.
I lost my virginity in it. You get it.
In it?
Well, like, it was a...
It was... it was quick, and...
My sweatshirt...
My sweatshirt.
Hello.
I need to dress for the job
that I want...
no, have...
which is newly minted Bitcoin queen.
I want a look that says,
"I am the Internet."
I am the Matrix. I am the future,
and the future is female.
"As well as paperless."
I've been waiting for this since 1999.
Give me a spin.
Oh, yeah. It'll fit.
Missing sweatshirt. Thanks so much.
Check it.
Oh, here you go. Missing sweatshirt.
Great. Okay.
Missing sweatshirt.
There's a blue sweatshirt.
Ilana Wexler, you haven't changed a bit.
Coming up,
we'll talk traffic and weather
and what you can expect
on your afternoon commute,
but first, here's Charlotte
Tennaboro with a special report.
And now, breaking
news from Astoria, Queens,
of another missing white woman.
Residents were shaken today
as fliers went up picturing the victim.
Police are rounding up
suspects and clues
as the community waits in anguish.
Oh, no.
Hi, um, news department, I guess?
I'm calling about
the missing woman in Queens.
Yeah, I-I'll hold. Sure.
A mysterious turn in the disappearance
of the white woman from Queens.
Authorities have discovered
that she was the fifth employee
of Soulstice Gym
to go missing in the last four years.
- So police have re-opened those cases.
- Shit.
She is being remembered tonight
by friends and coworkers
as a sweet, artistic cleaner
with a heart of gold.
I was a trainer when I left.
This is unbelievable.
We're still holding out hope
that they find Abbi, but,
in case they don't, we've lovingly
renamed one of the bathrooms
"Abbi's Room."
Also, we... we've retired her plunger.
No!
She was my best friend.
She was my lover!
What? We were dating.
- What?!
- We were dating, yeah.
Go for Inez.
Oh, hi, uh, I, uh...
I am calling about the missing girl.
Is she dead? Did you find her body?
How many pieces?
No, ew. No, no... Okay.
I'm, uh...
I'm actually the missing girl.
I found her. Hero time.
Get ready to go live.
Okay, uh, who has you?
A gang? Are the Russian?
- Albanian?
- No, no, no, no, no.
I-I'm just letting you know that
this has been a huge mistake.
I was never missing.
I'm... I-I'm fine. I'm good.
Are you speaking in code right now?
Laugh if you're really okay.
Damn it.
Okay, we need another
missing-girl story pronto.
- On it.
- Jesus.
But, uh, the fliers?
It was for a sweatshirt, so...
- What? That doesn't make any sense.
- Okay, i-it's a layout issue.
So, I made the flier
for a missing sweatshirt
from art school,
and then now I see that it seems
as though I was the missing one.
Huh, a layout issue.
So I'm guessing you didn't
finish art school.
Okay, my concentration was in
illustration, not graphic design.
Okay. Great.
This Bitcoin look is patent leather
for my impending patent.
I am Bitcoin, baby, yas.
Okay.
Can I help you with something?
Try to keep up, Brad. Meet...
Phone Wigs.
We've got the Ross.
We've got the Rachel.
Going over here to the Lincoln. Aww.
Classic Abbi. Aww. Little Jaimé.
This time I shit myself... don't ask...
and Bernadette Peters, bitch.
T-These are phone cases?
Brad, I'm sorry. I can't go any slower.
Okay, Phone Wigs are a 21st
century cultural phenomenon.
In an age where technology
divides and isolates us,
Phone Wigs give us the chance
to feel comforted,
to connect and humanize,
and that...
Look at me.
That is the basis of my wiz-ness.
Wiz-ness.
My wiz-ness.
Wiz-ness!
_
Oh, my...
_
Hey, hey!
Hey, we found your sweatshirt.
Oh, my gosh.
Someone saw it on the news
and brought it back.
Thank you so much.
I... I'm so sorry I've been
telling everyone I pass by
- to boycott this place.
- You did what?
No, I'm kidding. Prank!
Please don't come back here.
You're a... bad person.
Hey, sir, you should have this.
What the (BLEEP) is this?
Uh, it's a sweatshirt. It's
actually a vintage sweatshirt
with, like, the perfect amount
of wear, so...
I don't want this shit!
I went to RISD.
It's too hot out here.
I can't wear synthetics.
Okay. Well, I am...
I am sorry, and, um, great.
I am sorry.
Okay, you found your Bitcoin number
on an old Fruit by the Foot...
Ja.
that you remember that I gave you
- for a Waka Flocka Flame ticket...
- Ja.
and you want to cash out
that money today
to get a patent for these Phone Wigs.
Chugots! Finally.
It took long enough, my Brad.
Now gimme the loot. Gimme the loot.
Uh, you could learn
how to communicate better.
Rude. Anyway.
$8,265 has been transferred
to your account.
Yes!
The Internet is my forking god!
Whoo! Yeah, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Yeah, yeah!
- Hey, come on, now.
- Oh, my God.
- Come on. Grow up.
- What are you, 26 now?
- I'm 27.
And what are you, like, a hot,
ripped, uncut 50-year-old?
- 47.
- Okay, fine.
I just mean that we had sex
when I was 21.
That's gross. You grow up, maybe.
Okay, that's fair.
But I was going through a divorce then,
and I was in a really... insecure place,
and having sex with someone younger...
- boosted my self-esteem a little.
- Oh.
I mean, I'm in an age-appropriate
relationship now.
That's really... good... good for you.
Yeah, her name's Marie.
And I think you'd really like her.
Okay, that's cool. You're cool.
You're good.
- It was great to see you.
- Great.
- So long.
- Uh, Phone Wigs.
Oof.
No more Bitcoin! No more Bitcoin!
Jesus, it's hot out now?
- Who dis?
- Bitcoin sucks!
Yes, what are we protesting today, huh?
Bitcoin, because it's killing the Earth!
What? It's paperless.
Oh, you know, Bitcoin has to be mined
by thousands of computers 24/7.
It's a huge waste of energy
because of all the servers it's using.
And it's the pedophile's
currency of choice.
- Oh, it is?
- Fueling the child-sex-trade industry
and dominating the illegal-arms world.
Is it hot... hot out to you?
Well, you can thank Bitcoin for that,
'cause it's contributing
to climate change,
so you're feeling the effects.
Bitcoin is killing the Earth!
Totally killing the Earth!
Good luck with your protest.
Okay, so, be honest.
Do I have to donate that $8,000?
I know Bitcoin is evil,
but it's, like, no more evil
than paper money.
It's also like, what about eating meat?
I mean, the meat industry
is the biggest contributor
to climate change.
I mean way more than Bitcoin.
Do you know that the fashion industry
burns the remainder of its clothes
at the end of every season
to retain its value?
Mountains of clothes on fire.
Yeah, not to mention that it's
all made by little children.
You know recycling's a (bleep) hoax.
You really scrubbing out
my udon containers
and peeling the labels off
and melting the plastic down
to re-form them
into new udon containers?
Oh, dude, Garbage Island is real.
Mother Earth is like, "Noooo! Noo!"
And we're like, "No, bitch, die, bitch!"
It's awful. Yeah.
Why is the news not covering this 24/7?
Don't even get me started on the news.
The news is like... Like, the news is...
Like, hey, guys,
hey, maybe focus on
like, important issues...
- Honestly.
- like re... like, recycling
instead of latching on to some stupid
but really understandable
layout issues on fliers.
Like, what?
Yeah.
What?
Also, we are being listened to... Pbht.
- all the time.
- Ehh.
Anything that we do
on social media for free,
we pay for through our experience.
We are just "data."
Whew, I feel so much better.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my God.
Plus, dude, I swear, dudette, derd,
I honestly vow, her and nerr, okay?
Do you know this is, like,
an ancient Jewish symbol?
This is, like, a Jewish thing. It's
like a mystical, tribal Jewish...
Hold on. Just say the thing.
Oh, um, just that
I'm gonna follow through
and honestly put this money
into my Phone Wigs patent.
I'm gonna be investing in
a woman-owned wiz-ness,
and that's gonna
tip the scales of progress.
And it uses biodegradable materials.
Human hair!
Ugh, I love that.
I legit love my Phone Wig.
- It's so cute.
- So cute.
Okay, so, it says here
that if patent leather
has gotten stuck or adhered
to your skin or body,
the best way to get it off is lubricant.
So, I mean, we could try
again with almond oil.
Feh.
- Okay.
I have an appointment.
Girls, a bra that fits
is the single greatest gift
that one woman can give another.
And if I see either of you two girls
wearing one of those napkins
by Victoria's Secrets,
I will personally come and murder you.
- Booba!
- Hey!
Look what I brought you...
fresh virgin breast meat.
I think I know that I'm a 32C, so...
You have no idea what you are!
Ah, yes, classic baumgarten
shape on these.
Uh-huh. Same inverted
nipple on the right breast?
Of course! She's my little girl.
So let's get started.
Bring out the measuring rod!
Okay!
You have a lump.
It is benign.
Okay, I have to take two bras
and sew together because your
breasts are very different sizes.
Almost as if they were unrelated, hm?
You're are... 28KKK.
- Oof.
- Just call it an L.
Yes!
I feel like I'm not gonna be
able to fit my shirt over this.
Did you insert a back brace
without telling me?
They are absolute perfection.
- Now, what's the damage?
- Two bras comes to $533.
- Holy... expensive.
- (BLEEP) you.
Well, you talk about price-per-wear,
we're talking nickels, okay?
- Let's ring it up. I'm sorry, ladies.
- Okay.
It's wonderful work. Wonderful.
I kind of like mine.
How'd you sleep?
Not well.
You snore like a demon.
No, I don't!
- Yeah, you do.
- No.
Yes, you do. Look at this.
You filmed it?
- Look at that.
- I sound ill.
Yeah, it was very scary,
but then after a while,
it was kind of cute.
- That's cute.
- Come here.
Thank you! That's so cute!
Oh, I have been waiting to replace this,
put in an energy-efficient bulb,
but I had to wait
till it was for-real dead,
'cause if I threw it out
while it was perfectly good,
- that would be so wasteful, you know?
- My eco-warrior princess...
energy-efficient bulbs, not showering.
I'm loving that lady musk.
I just showered.
You're mean.
- Wow.
- Get it.
Oh, my God.
Do you know what this is?
- No.
- It's a Fruit by the Foot wrapper.
Okay.
Good... gaga.
I can't believe this day.
Once upon a time long ago,
didn't know ya,
I was hard-core hooking up
with this very hot,
very old dot-com douche named Brad.
TMI, right? Hate him, loathe him,
- grossed out by him now, you know?
- Yeah.
Thank you for that.
But I gave him
this Waka Flocka Flame ticket,
and in order to pay me back,
he gave me a third of Bitcoin.
And this Fruit by the Foot wrapper,
gnarly as it may be,
is my ticket to that third of Bitcoin.
This is the, like, key,
and the password is...
"Brad has it."
No.
Brad has the... Brad has the password.
Shit.
Hey, dude.
Baby, listen up.
I just found the info for my Bitcoin,
which reminded me, I have a Bitcoin.
Wow, so what are you gonna do?
Like, pay off your student loans
or something?
Sha! Don't think so, Abb.
This Bitcoin money is not
for loans or debt,
not rent nor weed or healthcare
or any other stupid thing.
This money is to get my wiz-ness...
woman-owned business... up and running.
Oh, you mean Phone Wigs?
I'm using mine right now.
Yeah!
I'm gonna submit a patent
as soon as a cash out
my third of a Bitcoin.
Want to come with?
Um, I'd love to, but it's my, uh...
it's my day off, uh,
and so it's laundry day,
and it looks like
I got to clean the washer,
- and...
- No, no!
Are you in that dank dungeon
that they literally
illegally claim to be a laundry room?
You have a job. Drop that shit off.
It just feels so extravagant
to drop off laundry.
We're businesswomen, Abb. Time is money.
I mean, I guess it would be really dope
to have some creative and personal time.
Okay.
- Yay!
- Yay!
Wiz-ness!
Hello.
I'd like to drop this stuff off
for fluff and fold,
and I'm gonna use that time
to enrich my life.
- Okay.
- Great.
Oh, you know what? I'm gonna
put this in there, too.
Thank you.
I'm doing it.
So, it's Abbi with an "I."
Ibbi.
Uh, no, it's actually just Abbi.
I like that less.
You can pick it up in an hour.
Wow, an hour. That's fabulous. Cool.
So, they call it cryptocurrency
'cause it's so damn cryptic.
Nobody really gets it.
Wait, where are you going?
I'm stepping out to give you privacy.
Stay. I-I feel like we have a good vibe.
- Oh, okay, all right.
- Okay, great.
Thank you. So...
You know what I mean?
It's like all my favorite memories
in one place. Ugh, Dongs.
Okay, so, I got to get this burner phone
'cause I used to hook up with this
hot, rich, older, douchey dude
who's now a Bitcoin broker, and
his info is on one of these.
Well, his dick pic is,
so if I find the dick,
I find his number.
Ah, here it is.
Oh, my God, look.
- Do you want to see his dick?
- No.
- Do you want to see my Phone Wigs?
- No, no.
Anyway, so, I found the Bitcoin code
in a ceiling lamp of all places.
Hi. It's me again.
Here you go.
I'm getting a lot done.
A lot of work stuff, you know.
I'm really productive.
Wow, this is it, huh?
I'm just gonna check it out.
Why not, right?
Check out your handiwork.
Oh, my goodness.
You got this grease stain out.
I sat on a funnel cake.
Such a waste.
Let's see if that hoodie string
stayed in the hole, right?
That's the trickiest part.
Okay, I just don't see my...
All right, uh, I'm sorry.
T-The sweatshirt's not in the bag.
It's... Okay, I'll show you
a picture of the sweatshirt.
Okay, this is my favorite sweatshirt.
It's this sweatshirt.
Do you have an itemized list
of what was washed?
No list.
We throw all the clothes for the day
in a bucket with everyone else's stuff,
and then we sort them out by memory.
I'm sorry. We're not responsible.
Wait, what? Y-You can't
just lose people's stuff
and then claim no responsibility.
_
Well, I did not see that.
This is easy to miss.
How did I miss that?
Okay, what happens when
someone's clothes go missing?
They never see them again.
Okay, okay, it probably got
put in the wrong bag, right?
What if you showed me a list of your
other clients that came in today?
- I could call them all myself.
- I cannot do that.
We have patient/client privilege.
Hey, uh, excuse me, sir.
Um, have you seen this sweatshirt?
Okay, that's fine.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yes!
Ow! What the hell?
Oh, no, no, no. I-I'm so sorry. I'm
looking for my favorite sweatshirt.
The laundromat just lost it.
I-It's very important to me.
I lost my virginity in it. You get it.
In it?
Well, like, it was a...
It was... it was quick, and...
My sweatshirt...
My sweatshirt.
Hello.
I need to dress for the job
that I want...
no, have...
which is newly minted Bitcoin queen.
I want a look that says,
"I am the Internet."
I am the Matrix. I am the future,
and the future is female.
"As well as paperless."
I've been waiting for this since 1999.
Give me a spin.
Oh, yeah. It'll fit.
Missing sweatshirt. Thanks so much.
Check it.
Oh, here you go. Missing sweatshirt.
Great. Okay.
Missing sweatshirt.
There's a blue sweatshirt.
Ilana Wexler, you haven't changed a bit.
Coming up,
we'll talk traffic and weather
and what you can expect
on your afternoon commute,
but first, here's Charlotte
Tennaboro with a special report.
And now, breaking
news from Astoria, Queens,
of another missing white woman.
Residents were shaken today
as fliers went up picturing the victim.
Police are rounding up
suspects and clues
as the community waits in anguish.
Oh, no.
Hi, um, news department, I guess?
I'm calling about
the missing woman in Queens.
Yeah, I-I'll hold. Sure.
A mysterious turn in the disappearance
of the white woman from Queens.
Authorities have discovered
that she was the fifth employee
of Soulstice Gym
to go missing in the last four years.
- So police have re-opened those cases.
- Shit.
She is being remembered tonight
by friends and coworkers
as a sweet, artistic cleaner
with a heart of gold.
I was a trainer when I left.
This is unbelievable.
We're still holding out hope
that they find Abbi, but,
in case they don't, we've lovingly
renamed one of the bathrooms
"Abbi's Room."
Also, we... we've retired her plunger.
No!
She was my best friend.
She was my lover!
What? We were dating.
- What?!
- We were dating, yeah.
Go for Inez.
Oh, hi, uh, I, uh...
I am calling about the missing girl.
Is she dead? Did you find her body?
How many pieces?
No, ew. No, no... Okay.
I'm, uh...
I'm actually the missing girl.
I found her. Hero time.
Get ready to go live.
Okay, uh, who has you?
A gang? Are the Russian?
- Albanian?
- No, no, no, no, no.
I-I'm just letting you know that
this has been a huge mistake.
I was never missing.
I'm... I-I'm fine. I'm good.
Are you speaking in code right now?
Laugh if you're really okay.
Damn it.
Okay, we need another
missing-girl story pronto.
- On it.
- Jesus.
But, uh, the fliers?
It was for a sweatshirt, so...
- What? That doesn't make any sense.
- Okay, i-it's a layout issue.
So, I made the flier
for a missing sweatshirt
from art school,
and then now I see that it seems
as though I was the missing one.
Huh, a layout issue.
So I'm guessing you didn't
finish art school.
Okay, my concentration was in
illustration, not graphic design.
Okay. Great.
This Bitcoin look is patent leather
for my impending patent.
I am Bitcoin, baby, yas.
Okay.
Can I help you with something?
Try to keep up, Brad. Meet...
Phone Wigs.
We've got the Ross.
We've got the Rachel.
Going over here to the Lincoln. Aww.
Classic Abbi. Aww. Little Jaimé.
This time I shit myself... don't ask...
and Bernadette Peters, bitch.
T-These are phone cases?
Brad, I'm sorry. I can't go any slower.
Okay, Phone Wigs are a 21st
century cultural phenomenon.
In an age where technology
divides and isolates us,
Phone Wigs give us the chance
to feel comforted,
to connect and humanize,
and that...
Look at me.
That is the basis of my wiz-ness.
Wiz-ness.
My wiz-ness.
Wiz-ness!
_
Oh, my...
_
Hey, hey!
Hey, we found your sweatshirt.
Oh, my gosh.
Someone saw it on the news
and brought it back.
Thank you so much.
I... I'm so sorry I've been
telling everyone I pass by
- to boycott this place.
- You did what?
No, I'm kidding. Prank!
Please don't come back here.
You're a... bad person.
Hey, sir, you should have this.
What the (BLEEP) is this?
Uh, it's a sweatshirt. It's
actually a vintage sweatshirt
with, like, the perfect amount
of wear, so...
I don't want this shit!
I went to RISD.
It's too hot out here.
I can't wear synthetics.
Okay. Well, I am...
I am sorry, and, um, great.
I am sorry.
Okay, you found your Bitcoin number
on an old Fruit by the Foot...
Ja.
that you remember that I gave you
- for a Waka Flocka Flame ticket...
- Ja.
and you want to cash out
that money today
to get a patent for these Phone Wigs.
Chugots! Finally.
It took long enough, my Brad.
Now gimme the loot. Gimme the loot.
Uh, you could learn
how to communicate better.
Rude. Anyway.
$8,265 has been transferred
to your account.
Yes!
The Internet is my forking god!
Whoo! Yeah, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Yeah, yeah!
- Hey, come on, now.
- Oh, my God.
- Come on. Grow up.
- What are you, 26 now?
- I'm 27.
And what are you, like, a hot,
ripped, uncut 50-year-old?
- 47.
- Okay, fine.
I just mean that we had sex
when I was 21.
That's gross. You grow up, maybe.
Okay, that's fair.
But I was going through a divorce then,
and I was in a really... insecure place,
and having sex with someone younger...
- boosted my self-esteem a little.
- Oh.
I mean, I'm in an age-appropriate
relationship now.
That's really... good... good for you.
Yeah, her name's Marie.
And I think you'd really like her.
Okay, that's cool. You're cool.
You're good.
- It was great to see you.
- Great.
- So long.
- Uh, Phone Wigs.
Oof.
No more Bitcoin! No more Bitcoin!
Jesus, it's hot out now?
- Who dis?
- Bitcoin sucks!
Yes, what are we protesting today, huh?
Bitcoin, because it's killing the Earth!
What? It's paperless.
Oh, you know, Bitcoin has to be mined
by thousands of computers 24/7.
It's a huge waste of energy
because of all the servers it's using.
And it's the pedophile's
currency of choice.
- Oh, it is?
- Fueling the child-sex-trade industry
and dominating the illegal-arms world.
Is it hot... hot out to you?
Well, you can thank Bitcoin for that,
'cause it's contributing
to climate change,
so you're feeling the effects.
Bitcoin is killing the Earth!
Totally killing the Earth!
Good luck with your protest.
Okay, so, be honest.
Do I have to donate that $8,000?
I know Bitcoin is evil,
but it's, like, no more evil
than paper money.
It's also like, what about eating meat?
I mean, the meat industry
is the biggest contributor
to climate change.
I mean way more than Bitcoin.
Do you know that the fashion industry
burns the remainder of its clothes
at the end of every season
to retain its value?
Mountains of clothes on fire.
Yeah, not to mention that it's
all made by little children.
You know recycling's a (bleep) hoax.
You really scrubbing out
my udon containers
and peeling the labels off
and melting the plastic down
to re-form them
into new udon containers?
Oh, dude, Garbage Island is real.
Mother Earth is like, "Noooo! Noo!"
And we're like, "No, bitch, die, bitch!"
It's awful. Yeah.
Why is the news not covering this 24/7?
Don't even get me started on the news.
The news is like... Like, the news is...
Like, hey, guys,
hey, maybe focus on
like, important issues...
- Honestly.
- like re... like, recycling
instead of latching on to some stupid
but really understandable
layout issues on fliers.
Like, what?
Yeah.
What?
Also, we are being listened to... Pbht.
- all the time.
- Ehh.
Anything that we do
on social media for free,
we pay for through our experience.
We are just "data."
Whew, I feel so much better.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my God.
Plus, dude, I swear, dudette, derd,
I honestly vow, her and nerr, okay?
Do you know this is, like,
an ancient Jewish symbol?
This is, like, a Jewish thing. It's
like a mystical, tribal Jewish...
Hold on. Just say the thing.
Oh, um, just that
I'm gonna follow through
and honestly put this money
into my Phone Wigs patent.
I'm gonna be investing in
a woman-owned wiz-ness,
and that's gonna
tip the scales of progress.
And it uses biodegradable materials.
Human hair!
Ugh, I love that.
I legit love my Phone Wig.
- It's so cute.
- So cute.
Okay, so, it says here
that if patent leather
has gotten stuck or adhered
to your skin or body,
the best way to get it off is lubricant.
So, I mean, we could try
again with almond oil.
Feh.