Broad City (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - Episode #5.7 - full transcript
- Should we do it?
- Let's do it!
Let's do it!
Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah!
Whoa!
Who-a-a-a!
Y-e-eah!
- Whoa! Oh!
- Oh!
Whoo!
Oh! Yeah!
Yeah!
We made a drink!
- Yeah!
- Excuse me.
Excuse me! Hey!
Uh... can I get a drink here or what.
Here you go.
Happy birthday, Craig.
Retirement. Thanks.
Whoops!
Your ankle is the size of a grapefruit.
How did you not realize it was sprained?
I mean, by that point in the night,
I wasn't feeling much of anything.
I learned that tequila is an upper...
I feel like it was, like, psychological,
like the Gazebo effect.
Placebo effect?
Yeah. Yeah.
I thought that you said
you were working.
It was just, like, a
really lame catering gig,
so we were, like, trying
to make the most of it.
Thank you so much
for coming over, Lesley.
You're the best girlfriend...
Whoa, girlfriend?
- Yeah. I mean, or partner. I like...
- You...
- I like "girlfriend."
- You know, this...
I think this actually brings up
an interesting point.
"Partner." Yeah. "Partner"
is more lesbian.
- No, no. Abb... Please don't... Abbi.
- I... I... Like, I know this now.
I actually think that...
that we should stop doing...
this.
Wait, okay. Okay.
Is this about the...
the "placebo" thing...
No, Abbi, it's... It's a
lot bigger than that.
♪ The mail, the mail ♪
♪ The mail ♪
♪ The mail ♪
Whoa, Yale.
Too Kavanaugh.
Cornell? You wish.
Dartmouth. Too goyish.
Okay!!
Here it is!
Hunter freaking College, bish.
And...
I'm in, Hunter College. I'm freaking in!
Master's, bitch.
Doctorate, bitch. MD, bitch.
Well, Master's.
Whoo! Grad student.
Acceptance letter!
Whoo!
Hello.
Can I help you?
I hear you offer student discounts.
So, we can't give you a student discount
if you don't have a student ID,
and this isn't a student ID.
Okay, but this says that I will be
a student in like three months.
Oh, three months?
Oh, that's almost as long as we've
been having this conversation.
Okay, Zahm Zena. Do we have a beef?
Oh, my God, miss?
- Okay. Jesus. I'm leaving.
- Oh, no, you're not.
Your hair. It's perfect.
The curls are so plump yet so light.
Moi?
Merci beaucoup, monsieur.
I know this is crazy,
but would you consider modeling for us?
Stop. Okay, stop. Is this
some sort of perverted prank?
Are you in on this... 'Cause you've
been a bitch the whole time?
I know this is last-minute,
but we're doing a shoot tonight.
You know what? I think that'll be good.
Perfection... Just like your curls.
See you back here at 6:00
and be camera ready.
Okay, 6:00 P.M., camera ready.
Oh, my God, did you see that?
That was amazing.
I'm on a call right now. I can't talk.
Okay, something seems
very locked up inside of you,
so when you decide to change your
life with therapy, give me a call.
I don't understand.
Like, Lesley, I-I like you so much.
We're just not on the same page.
I'm a doctor.
I do jiu-jitsu and have hobbies.
And you...
You just don't really feel
like an adult yet.
And I'm sure your life is fun,
but it's really just kind of
a series of wild shenanigans.
Wow.
Shenanigans?
You're 20s are for...
wild "shenanigans."
But aren't you 30?
Wow, wow. You're fucking nuts, Lesley!
- What?!
- Yeah. Yeah, you're nuts.
I'm just saying that you need
to grow up a little bit.
Mm. Okay. Yeah. No, no, no. Yeah.
You know what... I write
thank-you notes all the time.
And my phone screen isn't even cracked.
And guess what, Lesley?
I'm going to a play today.
- I'm going to a matinée.
- Yeah, with Ilana's parents,
who, I'm assuming, paid for the tickets.
Actually, you know what, Lesley?
I think that we're done.
I think that you should
get out of my house.
Finally on the same page
about something.
You know what? Why don't you take
your ugly-ass hat back, too.
Fine. I will.
Of course it looks cute on you.
Whatever. God!
Oh, shit!
Great. Well, thanks a lot. Now I
do have a crack in my screen,
- thanks to your stupid boot.
- Oh, did the wig not protect it?
It didn't.
DevaCurl?! Oh, my freakin' God, Ilana!
- I know. I know!
- You're gonna be a model.
I literally could not
have done this without you guys.
Also, I got into grad school today.
What? That's fantastic.
DevaCurl! Ah! Oh! I'm
coming to the shoot.
Of course you're coming.
You're my number-one curl inspo.
DevaCurl. Ah.
DevaCurl!
Devacu-u-u-u...
uuuuuuuur...
Yeah. That is adult.
Whoo! She got the plaid slacks.
She got the pink sweater.
She got the tortoise-shell clip, bish.
- Yass! I love it!
- Oh, my gosh. Hold on.
Is this a grad student?
- Oh, well, mm... Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Mm!
- Yes!
- I'm so proud of you, dude.
- Congrats!
- Thank you!
And you must be my sexy professor.
Wow, Lesley is a true monster
if she can break up with you
looking like this.
Yeah, well... she said
I'm not "adult" enough
- for her, so...
- Oh!
I didn't realize she was
a fucking heinous bitch.
She smells like fucking shit.
- She doesn't smell like shit.
- Always hated her... never liked her.
Listen, it's fine, because
I have been flooding
my Instagram account
with adult-ass pics all day
so she can see what
she's missing out on.
Wow. I love it. Hence The New Yorker.
Hence The New Yorker, indeed.
Whatever. Enough about Lesley, okay?
Okay, so, um... I am scared
that my brother is leaving the city.
You know, I-I know that
he's obviously going
to be the perfect Jewish-Canadian VJ...
I'm sorry. Is your eye okay?
I'm just going for, like, a
structured architectural brow today.
No, no. Like, it's red. It
looks really irritated.
Yeah, I got this, like,
AC drop in my eye before.
It was just, like, air conditioning
pre-cum... like Ninja Turtle juice.
It's fine.
Is it, though?
Yeah, I'll just flush it out
when I cry at the play later.
O-o-oh!
Oh, my God!
I didn't tell you the best news of all.
Lordy, lordy... ♪ 'Cause Janet be 40 ♪
Yep, yep, yep, yep! Whoo-whoo!
- What?
- Girl, I got scouted...
to model... for Devachan.
Okay? Whoo!
- This is the Vision Board.
- That's it.
- Yes!
- Yes!
Oh, here she is!
My star... my DevaCurl star.
No, we had a wild night.
Eliot, your sister
is a DevaCurl hair model!
I mean, this is really, very exciting
about the modeling, but, please...
let us not forget
this is Eliot's special day.
It is bon voyage to New York.
My favorite neighborhood, no less...
the Theater District.
Would it kill you to put a
smile on your pretty face?
You have a simply spectacular smile...
- my sweet baby.
- Hey, hey, hey, lady.
You want a picture with my daughter?
She's a very famous hair model.
Can we just go inside, please?
Yeah, you know, we got
to cash in on this, El.
I mean, one of those whats-their-faces
is worth, like, a billion dollars.
You know, you really should
be putting weight on the good foot.
Yeah, but it's... I wanted the heel,
so it just, like, works.
Look at how fast you're going. Good job.
Hey, girls.
Hungry?
She's a professional.
Someone's making a dank Instagram story.
Yes, it's a story about a grown
woman at the theater.
Theater, yes.
It's starting. Damn it.
I'm so sick of this attic!
Walk it off, Anne Frank!
Please enjoy a brief intermission.
Wow.
They're gonna win that Tony.
Oh, my God. Dude... Does your eye stink?
Hoo!
Yeah, it stinks. What's going...
Holy shit! Ilana...
It smells like prosciutt.
You cannot go to the
DevaCurl shoot like this.
You got to go to a doctor right away
and get this cleared up,
for the family honor!
Doctor? I don't have a "doctor" "here."
Wait, you don't have a doctor here?
No one in the city does.
That's why it's a cesspool.
All right, it's an emergency!
Go to the emergency room.
- Go to St. Vincent's.
- It's condos.
- All right, so Cabrini!
- Also condos.
How 'bout that what's-his-name
doctor on Houston St.?
It's not condos, but it's a Whole Foods.
- Again, why do you love this city?
- You got to get an ambulance.
You... You smell like a dog's ass.
- What'd you say?
- A dog's ass.
Dog's ass... That's it?
- What?
- Mwah!
Okay, I know who can cure me.
I got this.
Oh, I hope so.
Oh, God.
Save me! Come on.
Hey, can you drive me downtown
and just weave
in and out of traffic very fast?
Listen, I'm not a pedicab driver.
I'm a real estate broker. Read the sign.
Okay, then why do you have a pedicab?
It's the fastest way to get clients
to apartments for multiple viewing.
You know, I think I-I know you.
- Are you a cop?
- No.
But you showed my friend and
I an apartment years ago,
a bunch of shitty apartment.
I mean, they were
all literal crime scenes.
Oh, yeah, crime scene homes
are my speciality.
You know, I got an ex that works
in the NYPD. He hooks me up.
I just give him a hand job
once and a while.
Okay, since we have a history
can I please get a ride?
This is a modeling emergency.
Look, I've been pedaling
my butt off all day.
I mean, look at my feet.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Wait a minute. Flex that thigh.
Whoopsie!
I can see your short and curlies.
Let's go!
Damn.
There you go. You got it.
You should see your ass from back here.
It's amazing. It looks like a big heart.
- Thank you, Pam... Move! Scram!
- Oh, let's go!
We have a medical emergency!
- Look out for the baby... the baby!
- Get out of the way!
Well, well, well, Lesley.
One of these babies could've been yours.
Shit.
Lighting is terrible in here.
Gotta find another light... source.
Yes! Daylight.
Here we go.
Lesley's not gonna know what hit her.
Shenanigans.
Okay.
Oh, my God. Yes.
Ah! Yes!
Hello? Somebody?
H-Hello?
Abbi? It's Lesley.
Hey. Lesley.
What's up... girl?
Okay, I'm sorry. I have to
go before you. I'm a model.
- The doctor's with a patient!
- Yeah, I'm a model.
S-Stop!
Doctor... Ohh! Sorry.
Ilana, I told you...
I can not spay-neuter a human,
and it is not reversible.
No, I-I Googled that...
you were right about it.
I'm here about this.
Ugh. Okay.
That looks bad. Have a seat.
Okay, good girl. Good girl.
Good... Good girl!
Well, I actually wanted
to apologize to you.
For before.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, did you see my Instagram?
- What?
- Never mind. Wh-Wh-What's up?
Look, the truth is,
I'm really set in my ways,
and maybe I'm self-sabotaging
this whole things
because I have a lot of fun with you...
shenanigans and all.
I mean, who am I to
judge the way you live?
You know, you're...
you're figuring it out.
Wow. Well, thanks...
I mean, thank you for saying that.
I...
You really hurt my feelings
this morning.
I know, and I'm so sorry.
Do you think there's any way
that we can try this again?
You mean, like, get back together?
Yes. I'd really like
to keep seeing you, Abbi.
I think you're great.
Well, I think you're great, too.
I mean, what are you, uh...
What are you doing tonight?
Well, I think I may have a date
with my very adult,
very sexy artist girlfriend.
Yeah. I mean, I'm down to...
hang.
Um, before we lock in any logistics...
I've, u-um...
gotten myself in
a little bit of trouble.
But, uh, I do need...
I do need you to call 9-1-1.
- What?
- And then you know what?
You pick dinner. It's totally on you.
I'm cool with whatever.
Jesus Christ, Abbi.
You know, I've gotten New
York City water droplets
in my mouth before, and I was fine.
I did have bloody stool
for a week or two,
but that's pretty typical
for me in the summer.
Well, this is conjunctivitis.
- No!
- Yes.
You cannot get any closer
than this to anyone.
Please! I have a photoshoot tonight.
What if I'm paired with a curly-haired,
non-binary model, and it's a love scene?
- And a little bit of a pinch.
- Mm!
One, two, three.
- Okay.
- Hey! Thank you.
Okay, so this is gonna clear up my eye
and make me "gorgus" for the evening.
No, that's your third
round of Hep B shots.
You have another one
scheduled for next month..
- Okay.
- I'm gonna write you a prescription.
And this is gonna clear your
eye up in about two weeks.
Two fuggin' weeks?! No, no, no!
Look, honey, I'm a model now,
and this here is my money maker.
Don't you have something
quicker, like...
bovine growth hormone that
Madonna shoves up her crack?
I need something that
will clear me up tonight.
There is one option.
Work those curls, Mama.
Nasty little duet. Yeah!
Kinky, kinky.
Give me a... realness. Volume, volume.
Yes. Work it, Mama.
Yeah, Shirley Temple.
Now lose the glasses, baby.
Uh... Cut the music!
What's with the patch? What is this?
Today I'm serving, um...
"Kill Bill" realness.
Yeah, more like Bob Costas realness.
Lose the patch.
You don't want to see what's under here.
- Well, then the shoot's over.
- Whoa, whoa. What's the problem?
Uh, and who are you?
- I'm the manager/mother.
- Stop it.
You're curls make your daughter's
curls look like trash.
The rare triple helix...
the Holy Grail of curls.
You must sleep sitting up.
Of course I do, I'm not an animal.
This is really last minute,
but we're totally in a bind.
You could save the day.
Whoo! You own everything.
Louis Vuitton, CHANEL.
All right... Yaas! Slay Curl Kween!
For the family honor.
"The cast is electric"?
What an idiot.
Wow.
Okay, so this psycho dumped you
a second time in one day
while you're hanging
between two buildings,
two stories above concrete?
- This bitch is a menace.
- Right?
But then there was, like, this
fire woman that was rescuing me.
She was, like, carrying me down,
and I was, like...
"Who are you?" Like, she was hot.
- Yas.
- It's cool that I can see that now.
I mean, the female form...
God's hottest creation.
Oh, yeah... "Made in Her image."
It's a Catholic thing.
Man, I'm just so bummed
my modeling career
is over before it started.
But my mom was incredible.
- Wow.
- She slayed.
I got to show you. Oh, my God.
She posted all about it.
Who's that? Huh?
Aww. Eliot.
God, everybody's moving away, huh?
But not the most important one.
The most important person...
... of my life.
I'd give everybody else up.
Yeah.
Show me... Why don't you
show me pictures of your mom,
- 'cause I didn't see it.
- Yeah, I didn't even give it to ya.
Here.
Holy shit.
Wow.
I'm like, "Go, girl!"
Slay, girl. Work it, girl.
"Covergirl! Slay, Mama!"
- Covergirl!
- Covergirl!
- Be the curl.
- Covergirl!
- Covergirl!
- Covergirl.
- Covergirl!
- Covergirl!
Devachan.
- Covergirl!
- Ow! Dude!
- Ooh. Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.
- Ow!
- Let's do it!
Let's do it!
Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah!
Whoa!
Who-a-a-a!
Y-e-eah!
- Whoa! Oh!
- Oh!
Whoo!
Oh! Yeah!
Yeah!
We made a drink!
- Yeah!
- Excuse me.
Excuse me! Hey!
Uh... can I get a drink here or what.
Here you go.
Happy birthday, Craig.
Retirement. Thanks.
Whoops!
Your ankle is the size of a grapefruit.
How did you not realize it was sprained?
I mean, by that point in the night,
I wasn't feeling much of anything.
I learned that tequila is an upper...
I feel like it was, like, psychological,
like the Gazebo effect.
Placebo effect?
Yeah. Yeah.
I thought that you said
you were working.
It was just, like, a
really lame catering gig,
so we were, like, trying
to make the most of it.
Thank you so much
for coming over, Lesley.
You're the best girlfriend...
Whoa, girlfriend?
- Yeah. I mean, or partner. I like...
- You...
- I like "girlfriend."
- You know, this...
I think this actually brings up
an interesting point.
"Partner." Yeah. "Partner"
is more lesbian.
- No, no. Abb... Please don't... Abbi.
- I... I... Like, I know this now.
I actually think that...
that we should stop doing...
this.
Wait, okay. Okay.
Is this about the...
the "placebo" thing...
No, Abbi, it's... It's a
lot bigger than that.
♪ The mail, the mail ♪
♪ The mail ♪
♪ The mail ♪
Whoa, Yale.
Too Kavanaugh.
Cornell? You wish.
Dartmouth. Too goyish.
Okay!!
Here it is!
Hunter freaking College, bish.
And...
I'm in, Hunter College. I'm freaking in!
Master's, bitch.
Doctorate, bitch. MD, bitch.
Well, Master's.
Whoo! Grad student.
Acceptance letter!
Whoo!
Hello.
Can I help you?
I hear you offer student discounts.
So, we can't give you a student discount
if you don't have a student ID,
and this isn't a student ID.
Okay, but this says that I will be
a student in like three months.
Oh, three months?
Oh, that's almost as long as we've
been having this conversation.
Okay, Zahm Zena. Do we have a beef?
Oh, my God, miss?
- Okay. Jesus. I'm leaving.
- Oh, no, you're not.
Your hair. It's perfect.
The curls are so plump yet so light.
Moi?
Merci beaucoup, monsieur.
I know this is crazy,
but would you consider modeling for us?
Stop. Okay, stop. Is this
some sort of perverted prank?
Are you in on this... 'Cause you've
been a bitch the whole time?
I know this is last-minute,
but we're doing a shoot tonight.
You know what? I think that'll be good.
Perfection... Just like your curls.
See you back here at 6:00
and be camera ready.
Okay, 6:00 P.M., camera ready.
Oh, my God, did you see that?
That was amazing.
I'm on a call right now. I can't talk.
Okay, something seems
very locked up inside of you,
so when you decide to change your
life with therapy, give me a call.
I don't understand.
Like, Lesley, I-I like you so much.
We're just not on the same page.
I'm a doctor.
I do jiu-jitsu and have hobbies.
And you...
You just don't really feel
like an adult yet.
And I'm sure your life is fun,
but it's really just kind of
a series of wild shenanigans.
Wow.
Shenanigans?
You're 20s are for...
wild "shenanigans."
But aren't you 30?
Wow, wow. You're fucking nuts, Lesley!
- What?!
- Yeah. Yeah, you're nuts.
I'm just saying that you need
to grow up a little bit.
Mm. Okay. Yeah. No, no, no. Yeah.
You know what... I write
thank-you notes all the time.
And my phone screen isn't even cracked.
And guess what, Lesley?
I'm going to a play today.
- I'm going to a matinée.
- Yeah, with Ilana's parents,
who, I'm assuming, paid for the tickets.
Actually, you know what, Lesley?
I think that we're done.
I think that you should
get out of my house.
Finally on the same page
about something.
You know what? Why don't you take
your ugly-ass hat back, too.
Fine. I will.
Of course it looks cute on you.
Whatever. God!
Oh, shit!
Great. Well, thanks a lot. Now I
do have a crack in my screen,
- thanks to your stupid boot.
- Oh, did the wig not protect it?
It didn't.
DevaCurl?! Oh, my freakin' God, Ilana!
- I know. I know!
- You're gonna be a model.
I literally could not
have done this without you guys.
Also, I got into grad school today.
What? That's fantastic.
DevaCurl! Ah! Oh! I'm
coming to the shoot.
Of course you're coming.
You're my number-one curl inspo.
DevaCurl. Ah.
DevaCurl!
Devacu-u-u-u...
uuuuuuuur...
Yeah. That is adult.
Whoo! She got the plaid slacks.
She got the pink sweater.
She got the tortoise-shell clip, bish.
- Yass! I love it!
- Oh, my gosh. Hold on.
Is this a grad student?
- Oh, well, mm... Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Mm!
- Yes!
- I'm so proud of you, dude.
- Congrats!
- Thank you!
And you must be my sexy professor.
Wow, Lesley is a true monster
if she can break up with you
looking like this.
Yeah, well... she said
I'm not "adult" enough
- for her, so...
- Oh!
I didn't realize she was
a fucking heinous bitch.
She smells like fucking shit.
- She doesn't smell like shit.
- Always hated her... never liked her.
Listen, it's fine, because
I have been flooding
my Instagram account
with adult-ass pics all day
so she can see what
she's missing out on.
Wow. I love it. Hence The New Yorker.
Hence The New Yorker, indeed.
Whatever. Enough about Lesley, okay?
Okay, so, um... I am scared
that my brother is leaving the city.
You know, I-I know that
he's obviously going
to be the perfect Jewish-Canadian VJ...
I'm sorry. Is your eye okay?
I'm just going for, like, a
structured architectural brow today.
No, no. Like, it's red. It
looks really irritated.
Yeah, I got this, like,
AC drop in my eye before.
It was just, like, air conditioning
pre-cum... like Ninja Turtle juice.
It's fine.
Is it, though?
Yeah, I'll just flush it out
when I cry at the play later.
O-o-oh!
Oh, my God!
I didn't tell you the best news of all.
Lordy, lordy... ♪ 'Cause Janet be 40 ♪
Yep, yep, yep, yep! Whoo-whoo!
- What?
- Girl, I got scouted...
to model... for Devachan.
Okay? Whoo!
- This is the Vision Board.
- That's it.
- Yes!
- Yes!
Oh, here she is!
My star... my DevaCurl star.
No, we had a wild night.
Eliot, your sister
is a DevaCurl hair model!
I mean, this is really, very exciting
about the modeling, but, please...
let us not forget
this is Eliot's special day.
It is bon voyage to New York.
My favorite neighborhood, no less...
the Theater District.
Would it kill you to put a
smile on your pretty face?
You have a simply spectacular smile...
- my sweet baby.
- Hey, hey, hey, lady.
You want a picture with my daughter?
She's a very famous hair model.
Can we just go inside, please?
Yeah, you know, we got
to cash in on this, El.
I mean, one of those whats-their-faces
is worth, like, a billion dollars.
You know, you really should
be putting weight on the good foot.
Yeah, but it's... I wanted the heel,
so it just, like, works.
Look at how fast you're going. Good job.
Hey, girls.
Hungry?
She's a professional.
Someone's making a dank Instagram story.
Yes, it's a story about a grown
woman at the theater.
Theater, yes.
It's starting. Damn it.
I'm so sick of this attic!
Walk it off, Anne Frank!
Please enjoy a brief intermission.
Wow.
They're gonna win that Tony.
Oh, my God. Dude... Does your eye stink?
Hoo!
Yeah, it stinks. What's going...
Holy shit! Ilana...
It smells like prosciutt.
You cannot go to the
DevaCurl shoot like this.
You got to go to a doctor right away
and get this cleared up,
for the family honor!
Doctor? I don't have a "doctor" "here."
Wait, you don't have a doctor here?
No one in the city does.
That's why it's a cesspool.
All right, it's an emergency!
Go to the emergency room.
- Go to St. Vincent's.
- It's condos.
- All right, so Cabrini!
- Also condos.
How 'bout that what's-his-name
doctor on Houston St.?
It's not condos, but it's a Whole Foods.
- Again, why do you love this city?
- You got to get an ambulance.
You... You smell like a dog's ass.
- What'd you say?
- A dog's ass.
Dog's ass... That's it?
- What?
- Mwah!
Okay, I know who can cure me.
I got this.
Oh, I hope so.
Oh, God.
Save me! Come on.
Hey, can you drive me downtown
and just weave
in and out of traffic very fast?
Listen, I'm not a pedicab driver.
I'm a real estate broker. Read the sign.
Okay, then why do you have a pedicab?
It's the fastest way to get clients
to apartments for multiple viewing.
You know, I think I-I know you.
- Are you a cop?
- No.
But you showed my friend and
I an apartment years ago,
a bunch of shitty apartment.
I mean, they were
all literal crime scenes.
Oh, yeah, crime scene homes
are my speciality.
You know, I got an ex that works
in the NYPD. He hooks me up.
I just give him a hand job
once and a while.
Okay, since we have a history
can I please get a ride?
This is a modeling emergency.
Look, I've been pedaling
my butt off all day.
I mean, look at my feet.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Wait a minute. Flex that thigh.
Whoopsie!
I can see your short and curlies.
Let's go!
Damn.
There you go. You got it.
You should see your ass from back here.
It's amazing. It looks like a big heart.
- Thank you, Pam... Move! Scram!
- Oh, let's go!
We have a medical emergency!
- Look out for the baby... the baby!
- Get out of the way!
Well, well, well, Lesley.
One of these babies could've been yours.
Shit.
Lighting is terrible in here.
Gotta find another light... source.
Yes! Daylight.
Here we go.
Lesley's not gonna know what hit her.
Shenanigans.
Okay.
Oh, my God. Yes.
Ah! Yes!
Hello? Somebody?
H-Hello?
Abbi? It's Lesley.
Hey. Lesley.
What's up... girl?
Okay, I'm sorry. I have to
go before you. I'm a model.
- The doctor's with a patient!
- Yeah, I'm a model.
S-Stop!
Doctor... Ohh! Sorry.
Ilana, I told you...
I can not spay-neuter a human,
and it is not reversible.
No, I-I Googled that...
you were right about it.
I'm here about this.
Ugh. Okay.
That looks bad. Have a seat.
Okay, good girl. Good girl.
Good... Good girl!
Well, I actually wanted
to apologize to you.
For before.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, did you see my Instagram?
- What?
- Never mind. Wh-Wh-What's up?
Look, the truth is,
I'm really set in my ways,
and maybe I'm self-sabotaging
this whole things
because I have a lot of fun with you...
shenanigans and all.
I mean, who am I to
judge the way you live?
You know, you're...
you're figuring it out.
Wow. Well, thanks...
I mean, thank you for saying that.
I...
You really hurt my feelings
this morning.
I know, and I'm so sorry.
Do you think there's any way
that we can try this again?
You mean, like, get back together?
Yes. I'd really like
to keep seeing you, Abbi.
I think you're great.
Well, I think you're great, too.
I mean, what are you, uh...
What are you doing tonight?
Well, I think I may have a date
with my very adult,
very sexy artist girlfriend.
Yeah. I mean, I'm down to...
hang.
Um, before we lock in any logistics...
I've, u-um...
gotten myself in
a little bit of trouble.
But, uh, I do need...
I do need you to call 9-1-1.
- What?
- And then you know what?
You pick dinner. It's totally on you.
I'm cool with whatever.
Jesus Christ, Abbi.
You know, I've gotten New
York City water droplets
in my mouth before, and I was fine.
I did have bloody stool
for a week or two,
but that's pretty typical
for me in the summer.
Well, this is conjunctivitis.
- No!
- Yes.
You cannot get any closer
than this to anyone.
Please! I have a photoshoot tonight.
What if I'm paired with a curly-haired,
non-binary model, and it's a love scene?
- And a little bit of a pinch.
- Mm!
One, two, three.
- Okay.
- Hey! Thank you.
Okay, so this is gonna clear up my eye
and make me "gorgus" for the evening.
No, that's your third
round of Hep B shots.
You have another one
scheduled for next month..
- Okay.
- I'm gonna write you a prescription.
And this is gonna clear your
eye up in about two weeks.
Two fuggin' weeks?! No, no, no!
Look, honey, I'm a model now,
and this here is my money maker.
Don't you have something
quicker, like...
bovine growth hormone that
Madonna shoves up her crack?
I need something that
will clear me up tonight.
There is one option.
Work those curls, Mama.
Nasty little duet. Yeah!
Kinky, kinky.
Give me a... realness. Volume, volume.
Yes. Work it, Mama.
Yeah, Shirley Temple.
Now lose the glasses, baby.
Uh... Cut the music!
What's with the patch? What is this?
Today I'm serving, um...
"Kill Bill" realness.
Yeah, more like Bob Costas realness.
Lose the patch.
You don't want to see what's under here.
- Well, then the shoot's over.
- Whoa, whoa. What's the problem?
Uh, and who are you?
- I'm the manager/mother.
- Stop it.
You're curls make your daughter's
curls look like trash.
The rare triple helix...
the Holy Grail of curls.
You must sleep sitting up.
Of course I do, I'm not an animal.
This is really last minute,
but we're totally in a bind.
You could save the day.
Whoo! You own everything.
Louis Vuitton, CHANEL.
All right... Yaas! Slay Curl Kween!
For the family honor.
"The cast is electric"?
What an idiot.
Wow.
Okay, so this psycho dumped you
a second time in one day
while you're hanging
between two buildings,
two stories above concrete?
- This bitch is a menace.
- Right?
But then there was, like, this
fire woman that was rescuing me.
She was, like, carrying me down,
and I was, like...
"Who are you?" Like, she was hot.
- Yas.
- It's cool that I can see that now.
I mean, the female form...
God's hottest creation.
Oh, yeah... "Made in Her image."
It's a Catholic thing.
Man, I'm just so bummed
my modeling career
is over before it started.
But my mom was incredible.
- Wow.
- She slayed.
I got to show you. Oh, my God.
She posted all about it.
Who's that? Huh?
Aww. Eliot.
God, everybody's moving away, huh?
But not the most important one.
The most important person...
... of my life.
I'd give everybody else up.
Yeah.
Show me... Why don't you
show me pictures of your mom,
- 'cause I didn't see it.
- Yeah, I didn't even give it to ya.
Here.
Holy shit.
Wow.
I'm like, "Go, girl!"
Slay, girl. Work it, girl.
"Covergirl! Slay, Mama!"
- Covergirl!
- Covergirl!
- Be the curl.
- Covergirl!
- Covergirl!
- Covergirl.
- Covergirl!
- Covergirl!
Devachan.
- Covergirl!
- Ow! Dude!
- Ooh. Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.
- Ow!