Brickleberry (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 11 - Trip to Mars - full transcript
The rangers are thrilled when Brickleberry is selcted to play an important role in the Mars landing. In order to do that, the Native Brickleberrians are kicked off their land, and led to ...
[ethereal music]
- I CAN'T BELIEVE TOMORROW'S
THE BIG DAY.
OUR COUNTRY IS FINALLY
PUTTING A MAN ON MARS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
IS UP THERE, DENZEL?
- HOT MARTIAN BITCHES
WITH FOUR SETS OF GREEN TITTIES.
- THAT'S REALLY PROFOUND,
DENZEL.
- I KNOW.
TITTY-[bleep] THAT BITCH
IS LIKE A FULL-TIME JOB.
- WHAT ABOUT THE REST
OF SPACE?
- MM, STARS AND SHIT.
- HOW MANY DO YOU THINK
THERE ARE?
- MORE THAN YOU
CAN COUNT, STEVE.
- WOW. 92.
- YOU ARE
A STUPID MOTHER[bleep].
- YEAH.
JUST ONE MORE QUESTION--
HOW DO WE GET THE CAR
OUT OF THE PLANETARIUM?
- [inhales]
SAME WAY WE GOT
THIS MOTHER[bleep] IN.
[tires screech]
[triumphant music]
♪
- [screams]
- ♪ BRICKLEBERRY
[gentle guitar chords]
- RANGERS, LISTEN UP.
TODAY IS A HISTORIC DAY.
[dramatic music]
- THE WORLD WATCHES
AS MAN PREPARES TO LAND
ON MARS.
- WHO CARES?
- IT'S THE GRAND OPENING
OF THE HAZELHURST MEGA MALL!
500 STORES,
200 DIFFERENT ONES!
A GIGANTIC ARCADE!
THE WORLD'S LARGEST
FOOD COURT,
CONVENIENTLY LOCATED RIGHT NEXT
TO THE LANE BRYANT SUPERSTORE!
- OH, MY GOD,
IT'S GOT EVERYTHING I WANT
AND NEW FAT PEOPLE
TO MAKE FUN OF.
I'LL BE IN THE CAR.
- OH, CUBBSIE WUBBS,
EVERYONE KNOWS BEARS
AREN'T ALLOWED IN MALLS.
IT'S LIKE HOW FILIPINOS
AREN'T ALLOWED IN LIBRARIES.
- WHAT?
- WE ALL KNOW THEY EAT PAPER!
[paper rustling]
- THIS NEW STEPHEN KING NOVEL
IS TERRIBLE!
[retching]
- AS I WAS SAYING,
I'M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE
BRICKLEBERRY WILL BE PLAYING
AN IMPORTANT ROLE
IN THE UPCOMING
MARS LANDING.
[all talking excitedly]
- I WISH I WAS GOING
UP THERE.
I'D GET SOME GREEN PUSSY.
YOU KNOW THAT.
- YOU SEE, MOUNT BRICKLEBERRY
IS THE HIGHEST POINT
IN THE WORLD.
- THAT DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT.
- IF IT'S ON THE BROCHURE,
IT'S TRUE!
ANYWAY, NASA IS GONNA BE
USING OUR PARK
AS A KEY TRANSMISSION POINT
FOR MISSION CONTROL.
AND THAT MEANS THEM INDIANS
AT THE BASE
OF MOUNT BRICKLEBERRY
HAVE GOTTA GO.
- BUT THE BROCHURE SAYS
THE BASE OF THE MOUNTAIN
IS THEIR ANCESTRAL LAND.
- YEAH, THE BROCHURE
ALSO SAYS
WE HAVE THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN
IN THE WORLD.
WHAT ARE YOU,
[bleep] STUPID?
- YOU WATCH
YOUR [bleep] MOUTH!
I'LL RIP YOUR GODDAMN HEAD OFF,
MOTHER[bleep]!
UH, SORRY, MR. JOHNSON.
YEAH, I'M STUPID.
- HEY, STEVE,
GO TELL THEM SAVAGES
THEY GOTTA MOVE 'EM HEAP QUICK.
- YOU GOT IT, SIR.
- WOODY, FOREST RESETTLEMENT
OF NATIVE AMERICANS
IS JUST WRONG.
- DON'T QUESTION
THE U.S. GOVERNMENT, MISSY!
THEY KNOW
WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
THEY DID A BANG-UP JOB
PLANNING 9-11,
CONTROLLING OUR MINDS
WITH FLUORIDE IN THE WATER,
AND TURNING
ANDERSON COOPER GAY!
- ANYBODY EVER SAY
YOU'RE A BIT
OF A CONSPIRACY THEORIST?
- AH, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
- HOW 'BOUT THAT STUNT
YOU PULLED
AT YOUR NEPHEW'S CHRISTENING?
- I KNOW THERE'S A MICROPHONE
IN HERE SOMEWHERE.
I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME,
YOU SOVIET BASTARDS.
THAT'S IT--
I'M GOING IN AFTER IT!
- WOODY DOESN'T KNOW
WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
I CAN GO TO THE MALL
IF I WANT TO.
- HOLD IT RIGHT THERE,
BUDDY.
- WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
- I'M TODD ROLLIN,
HEAD OF MALL SECURITY.
- WOW!
HEAD OF MALL SECURITY?
MINIMUM WAGE AND YOU GET TO RIDE
ONE OF THOSE COOL SEGWAYS?
- YOU DON'T SOUND IMPRESSED.
- I'M IMPRESSED BY THE WAY
YOU MANAGE
TO SWEAT
ON SOMETHING WITH WHEELS.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I'M GOING INTO THE MALL.
- OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.
EVERYONE KNOWS BEARS
AREN'T ALLOWED IN MALLS.
IT'S LIKE HOW MALAYSIANS AREN'T
ALLOWED IN SHOE STORES.
- WHAT?
- WE ALL KNOW
THEY EAT SHOELACES.
[romantic Italian music]
- THERE IS SOME REALLY OBSCURE
RACISM IN THIS TOWN.
- I AM SO SORRY
TO HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS,
BUT--
WAIT, TRIBAL CHAIRMAN?
YOU'RE THE INDIAN CHIEF,
RIGHT?
- THAT'S A STEREOTYPICAL THING
TO ASSUME.
- HOW?
- HOW.
ARE YOU HERE TO PUSH US
OFF OUR LAND?
- [chuckling]
NO, NO, NO.
I'M NOT.
I'M HERE TO BUY
YOUR LAND.
$24 IN BEADS SOUND GOOD?
- WE'LL TAKE IT!
- NOT SO FAST, NOT-SO-FAST.
WE SAID WE WOULD NOT MAKE
THIS MISTAKE AGAIN.
YOU THROW IN CLOSING COSTS.
- ALL RIGHT.
YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN.
$26 IN BEADS.
- NICE DOING BUSINESS
WITH YOU.
- YOU GUYS
ARE GONNA ENJOY THOSE.
I TRIED THEM OUT MYSELF.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- THEY'RE ANAL BEADS.
- PFFT!
- SALUTATIONS.
I AM MISSION CONTROL
DIRECTOR EXTRAORDINAIRE,
DR. KURT THOREAU, PhD.
- HI THERE.
HEAD RANGER EXCELENTE
WOODY JOHNSON,
B-I-G-D-I-C-K.
- AND WHO IS THIS
FETCHING CREATURE?
- DID YOU SAY "FETCHING"
OR "FELCHING"?
- UH, I'M ETHEL.
- DO MEN
WITH EXCEPTIONAL BEARDS
MAKE YOUR FISH FLAPS
FOAMY?
- WHAT?
OOF!
- SHOW ME TO MY OFFICE
AT ONCE.
- WELL, THE ONLY OFFICE
IN THERE IS MINE.
AGH!
LISTEN HERE, NAS-HOLE--
I DON'T KNOW
WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE--
OOF!
RIGHT THIS WAY.
[men chanting]
- STEVE, THANK YOU
FOR JOINING US
FOR OUR FAREWELL POWWOW.
- NO PROBLEM.
I HOPE YOU LIKE THE BEADS.
OH, YES, WIFE BURY THEM
WHERE SUN DON'T SHINE.
IN HER ASS.
- THIS WAS A LOT OF FUN.
THANKS FOR HANGING OUT
WITH ME ALL NIGHT.
- BROS BEFORE NAVAJOS.
OUR MEDICINE MAN OFFERS YOU
A BOWL OF HIKURI,
THE FOOD OF THE GODS.
SOME SAY IT LETS YOU SEE
THE HEAVENS.
NOW JUST TAKE A SMALL SIP.
- [gulping]
- IT'S VERY POWERFUL.
- AHH. WHAT?
[belches]
- YOU JUST HAD 2,000 HITS
OF PURE PEYOTE.
- IT'S NOT AFFECTING ME,
NINJA T-REX.
- HOO-AHH!
[roars]
- [screaming]
AAAAAAHHHHH!
- I HATE WHITE PEOPLE.
- ♪ OH, OUT WITH THE INJUNS,
IN WITH THE SPACEMEN ♪
♪ NASA'S THE BEST,
GONNA GET US SOME PRESS ♪
- YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
OF YOURSELF--
PUSHING THE NATIVE AMERICANS
OFF THEIR LAND
JUST FOR A LITTLE PUBLICITY.
- OH, CALM DOWN.
THE LAW OF REPARATIONS
SAYS THEY CAN CLAIM ANY LAND
IN THEIR FORMER TERRITORY
AS THEIR OWN.
THOSE REDSKINS CAN BASICALLY
LIVE ANYWHERE THEY WANT.
- ANYWHERE THEY WANT?
[flute and drum music]
- WHO ARE YOU?
- I'M MALLOY, TALKING BEAR.
- I KNEW HIS FATHER,
SHITS-IN-WOODS.
- LISTEN, MY PEOPLE.
IT IS TIME TO STOP
BEING PUSHED AROUND
BY THE WHITE MAN
AND TAKE THE SACRED LAND
THAT IS RIGHTFULLY OURS.
- WHAT SACRED LAND?
[light music playing]
- [ululating]
- WE BRING TALKING BEAR
MORE WAMPUM.
ORANGE JULIUS
AND BOUNTY OF CINNABON.
- DON'T WORRY.
I'LL USE EVERY PART
OF THE CINNABON.
I HOPE YOU PAID THE WHITE MAN
WITH MUCH SUFFERING.
- NO, WE PAID
WITH DISCOVER CARD.
- WHAT?
WHAT KIND OF INDIANS ARE YOU?
- NOT THE GOOD KIND.
OKAY, I'M LEAVING NOW.
- THIS IS OUR LAND.
IF WE WANT SOMETHING
FROM THE WHITE MAN,
WE TAKE IT.
- AFTER WE ASK NICELY?
- NO! THE WHITE MAN
IS OUR ENEMY!
HE STOLE OUR LAND,
HE MURDERED OUR PEOPLE,
AND HE TOLD US WE CAN'T COME
INTO THEIR MALLS,
JUST BECAUSE WE'RE BEARS!
- I DON'T REMEMBER
THAT LAST PART.
- JUST GO WITH IT.
HE'S ON A ROLL.
- IT'S TIME SOMEONE
TAUGHT YOU GUYS
HOW TO ACT
LIKE REAL INDIANS.
[dramatic music]
- AAH!
- AAH!
♪
[men whooping]
♪
- GET READY
FOR MAGIC TIME, PEOPLE.
I'LL ACTUALLY BE GUIDING
THE ASTRONAUTS
DOWN AS WE SPEAK.
- MISSION CONTROL,
THIS IS APOLLO.
WE ARE GO FOR LANDING
IN FOUR...
THREE...
TWO...
ONE.
- EXTEND PODS.
AND...
MAGIC!
- AND WE HAVE TOUCHDOWN.
- WE HAVE LANDED ON MARS.
[cheers]
KURT THOREAU, EVERYONE.
- HOW IS STEVE MISSING THIS?
WHERE THE HELL IS HE?
- [screams]
GET AWAY FROM ME,
OCTOPUS MIME!
[upbeat polka music]
♪
[screams]
♪
[truck roars]
[grunting]
AGH!
AAH!
- I THINK YOU'LL LIKE
THE FIRST WORDS
MAN WILL SAY ON MARS.
I COMPOSED THEM MYSELF.
- THAT WAS
ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN
AND ONE GIANT--
SHIT!
- [screams]
[babbling nonsensically]
[people screaming]
- WE CAN EASILY
REATTACH THESE
AS LONG AS WE'RE VERY,
VERY CAREFUL WITH THEM--
WHOA!
[chuckles]
SO THAT'S WHY
WE SHOULDN'T PUT THOSE
IN HERE.
[rangers scream]
- WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT FAT ALIEN
LOOKS LIKE STEVE.
- THAT FAT ALIEN IS STEVE.
- HOW'D STEVE GET TO MARS?
- STEVE ISN'T ON MARS.
[gasps]
THAT MEANS THE MARS LANDING--
- IT'S ALL A GODDAMN FAKE!
[laughs]
I KNEW IT!
WE'RE ASS-DEEP IN THE BIGGEST
CONSPIRACY EVER!
- GUARDS, SEIZE THEM!
- OH, WHAT?
YOU ACTORS
GONNA HOLD US HOSTAGE
WITH A BUNCH OF
PHONY PROP GUNS?
WOW, THAT'S REALISTIC.
FAKE BRAINS TOO.
- [babbling and laughing]
- UM, UH, MISSION CONTROL,
WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO?
- YOU'RE ACTORS.
IMPROVISE.
- HOLY MOLY,
IT'S A GENUINE...
ALIEN.
- [babbling]
UGHHH....
- OH, I CAN'T BREATHE...
IN THIS SPACE AIR.
- I'LL SAVE YOU.
- UGHHH! UHHHH!
- WELL, IT'S NOT
WHAT I PLANNED.
IT'S BETTER.
I DIDN'T JUST FAKE
A MARS LANDING.
I FAKED A MARTIAN.
YOU SEE?
I'M NOT JUST KURT THOREAU,
ROCKET SCIENTIST.
I'M ALSO KURT THOREAU,
MASTER SHOWMAN AND DIRECTOR!
I'LL BET THE RATINGS WILL TOP
OUR FAKE LUNAR LANDING
IN '69.
- SO YOU'RE SAYING
THAT NEIL ARMSTRONG--
- WAS AN ALCOHOLIC
OUT OF WORK BIRTHDAY CLOWN
BEFORE I DISCOVERED HIM.
- SO YOU'RE SAYING
ALL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES
ARE ACTORS?
I'M A GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE.
AM I AN ACTOR?
ARE THERE CAMERAS HERE?
ARE PEOPLE WATCHING ME
RIGHT NOW?
WHO AM I KIDDING?
10:30 ON TUESDAY NIGHT.
NOBODY'S WATCHING THIS SHIT.
- ONLY NASA KNOWS.
NO ONE ELSE.
NOT EVEN THE PRESIDENT.
AFTER THIS MISSION IS OVER,
I'M THROWING YOU ALL
IN SPACE PRISON.
- YAY!
IS THAT LIKE SPACE CAMP?
- YES, BUT WITH JUST
A TAD MORE RAPE.
[dramatic music]
- THE HAZELHURST MEGA MALL
IS CURRENTLY UNDER SIEGE
BY A GROUP OF INDIANS
AND A SMALL BEAR.
BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT
ABOUT THAT?
WE'VE GOT MARTIAN UPDATES.
IN A SHOCKING MOVE,
FOR PURPOSES OF RESEARCH,
DR. KURT THOREAU
HAS ORDERED THE ASTRONAUTS
TO BRING THE MARTIAN
BACK TO OUR PLANET.
- ROGER, MISSION CONTROL.
WE HAVE SUBDUED THE MARTIAN
WITH, UH,
ALIEN-HOLDING SPACE ROPE.
- VROOM, VROOM, VROOM!
VROOM!
[mimics rocket noises]
- I HOPE THEY MAKE IT BACK OKAY.
- HEY, GUARD, CAN YOU SHOOT
THIS FAT, DUMB BITCH?
- THE CAPSULE WILL BE TOUCHING
DOWN ANY MINUTE NOW.
BUT BE WARNED--
WHEN IT ENTERS THE ATMOSPHERE,
IT WILL MAKE A BRILLIANT FLASH!
EVERYONE, CLOSE YOUR EYES OR IT
WILL INSTANTLY BLIND YOU.
KER-SPLASH!
IT'S HERE.
YOU CAN OPEN YOUR EYES.
SMILES, EVERYONE.
WE'RE ABOUT TO GREET
A FRIEND FROM ANOTHER WORLD.
[lenses clicking]
- WH--WHERE AM I?
WHY AM I COVERED IN MUD
AND NAKED?
THIS HASN'T HAPPENED
SINCE SPACE CAMP.
- UH, WE MUST
GET HIM INTO ISOLATION
BEFORE OUR EARTH ATMOSPHERE
OF .7
GIVES HIM ACUTE FAILURE OF--
HE'S GOING TO EAT OUR DICKS!
- ♪ BRING IT ON
- MARSHMALLOW PEEPS
AND CADBURY EGG
NOW PROPERTY
OF CHIEF TALKING BEAR.
- HEY, THOSE ARE FOR THE KIDS.
[ululating]
- YOU WERE RIGHT.
TAKING LAND
AND KILLING WHITE MAN IS FUN.
- YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS
HAVE COME A LONG WAY.
- WE SHOULD HAVE EMBRACED OUR
STEREOTYPE MANY YEARS AGO.
- UH-UH-UH-UH.
- UH, MANY MOONS AGO.
- LISTEN, YOU.
THIS IS A MALL.
YOU CAN'T LIVE HERE.
I'M GIVING YOU ONE HOUR
TO VACATE
AND GET RID
OF ALL THE HORSESHIT.
- I CAN'T CONTROL WHAT
PANDA EXPRESS PUTS ON ITS MENU.
- GET OUT NOW!
- YOU HAVE DISHONORED MY PEOPLE
LONG ENOUGH, TODD.
WE WILL FIGHT FOR OUR LAND!
[ululating]
- CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME
WHERE THE PEPPERIDGE FARM
KIOSK IS?
I SMELL PENNIES ALL OF A SUDDEN.
- SO THIS IS MY
SECRET GOVERNMENT BASE.
ANY DRIPS FROM THE TAP?
- JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU PLAN
TO DO WITH STEVE.
- OH. WE WON'T HURT HIM.
[electricity crackles]
- [screams]
- WHY ARE YOU DOING
EXPERIMENTS ON HIM?
HEY, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE ALL ACTORS.
- OH, HE'S NOT AN ACTOR.
HE'S ONE OF AMERICA'S
TOP SCIENTISTS.
FOOLED BY MY MAGIC LIKE EVERYONE
ELSE IN THE COUNTRY!
- WHEN ARE YOU
GONNA LET STEVE GO?
- I'M AFRAID I CAN'T DO THAT.
IF ANYONE FINDS OUT
HE'S NOT A REAL ALIEN
MY CAREER WILL BE OVER.
I'LL BE CONVICTED OF FRAUD.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I MEAN YOUR FRIEND WILL
NOT LEAVE THIS BASE ALIVE.
EVER!
- NOW, IT'S TIME FOR THE
BOWLING PIN IN THE ANUS TEST.
- [screams]
- ♪ BRING IT ON
[ululating]
- WE'VE GOT THEM ON THE RUN.
- THERE THEY ARE
AT THE LAST CUSTARD STAND!
[ululating continues]
- [groans]
YAY!
AGH!
- I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE DOING
THOSE PAINFUL EXPERIMENTS
ON STEVE.
- WELL, AFTER
A CHILDHOOD LIKE HIS,
IT'S PROBABLY THE ONLY WAY
HE CAN CLIMAX.
- THAT'S YOU, WOODY.
- YEAH, THAT--THAT IS ME.
- WE CAN'T LET THEM
DO THIS TO STEVE.
WE NEED A PLAN TO RESCUE HIM.
- THOREAU HAS HIS EYES
ON STEVE 24/7.
WE NEED TO DISTRACT HIM
SO WE CAN BUST STEVE OUT.
- BUT HOW?
- ETHEL, YOU CAN DO IT.
- HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
DISTRACT HIM?
- I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
- THREE, TWO, AND ONE.
WE HAVE CONTACT.
- DO YOU HAVE TO
NARRATE EVERYTHING?
- AFFIRMATIVE.
ROTATING THRUSTER 30 DEGREES.
OPEN THE POD BAY DOORS.
DOCKING IN 59...58..57...56.
- [groans]
UGH, I HOPE WHAT I JUST DID
WAS WORTH--
- YAHTZEE!
- WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
DID YOU RESCUE STEVE?
- WHAT?
THAT WAS TONIGHT?
OH, I'M SORRY.
GUESS WE GOT CAUGHT UP
PLAYING--YAHTZEE!
I'M ON A ROLL!
- SO I JUST SLEPT WITH
A DISGUSTING ASSHOLE DOUCHEBAG
FOR NOTHING?
ISN'T ANYONE GONNA
SAY ANYTHING?
- UH, WELL, NORMALLY THIS IS
WHERE MALLOY WOULD JUMP IN
WITH SOMETHING LIKE,
"YEAH, BUT HOW'S THAT DIFFERENT
FROM YOUR TYPICAL TUESDAY?"
[laughs]
- NO, I THINK IT'D BE MORE LIKE,
"YOU DID IT FOR NOTHING?
USUALLY YOU GET TACO BELL
OUT OF IT."
- OR SOMETHING LIKE,
"DISGUSTING ASSHOLE?
YOU MEAN YOU FINALLY
SLEPT WITH CONNIE?"
- OH, YEAH, THAT'S IT.
- [laughs]
SLUT.
- OH, YEAH, YUK IT UP.
I JUST BANGED A GUY
WHO CALLS HIS PENIS
"THE USS ENTER-THIGHS."
- MAN, WHAT A LOSER.
NAMING HIS JUNK AFTER STAR TREK.
AIN'T THAT RIGHT, HUNG SOLO?
- SORRY, ETHEL.
WE CAN'T GET PAST THE GUARDS.
- STEVE IS IN REAL DANGER HERE.
KURT CAN'T HIDE HIM FOREVER.
AND IF HE LETS HIM GO,
NASA WILL BE EXPOSED.
- SO DO YOU THINK
HE'S GONNA KILL STEVE?
- I DON'T KNOW, BUT IF HE DOES,
I BET IT'LL
BE A RATINGS BONANZA.
- I AM SORRY TO REPORT
THAT THE MARTIAN
HAS CONTRACTED AN EARTH VIRUS.
AND HE APPEARS TO BE...DYING!
- DR. THOREAU, CAN YOU TELL US
WHAT DISEASE IT IS?
- HE'S GOT WHATEVER MADE E.T.
ALL WHITE AND DRIED OUT
AND GROSS.
- HOW MUCH TIME
DOES THE ALIEN HAVE LEFT?
- IMPOSSIBLE TO PREDICT,
BUT HE'LL DEFINITELY BE DEAD
BEFORE PRIMETIME TONIGHT.
- TONIGHT AT 9:00, LIVE ON PBS!
WITNESS HISTORY AS WE SHOW YOU
A REAL LIVE ALIEN AUTOPSY!
- OH, MY GOD.
- YES, WE'LL FINALLY GET TO SEE
WHAT'S INSIDE A MEXICAN!
- OKAY, SO POOF,
WE GET IN, GRAB STEVE,
AND THEN POOF, WE OUT.
- WELL, DOES ANYBODY HAVE A PLAN
THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE
NIGHTCRAWLER FROM THE X-MEN?
OR ANY OF THE OTHER X-MEN?
- WE NEED TO GET SERIOUS.
HIS AUTOPSY'S ONLY
A COUPLE OF HOURS AWAY.
- YEAH, AND WITH, LIKE,
AN HOUR FOR DINNER AND DESSERT,
THAT WON'T LEAVE US MUCH TIME.
- WE'D NEED AN ARMY
TO TAKE THOREAU DOWN.
THAT'S IT!
OKAY, I'VE GOT A PLAN,
BUT WE NEED TO
GET PAST THE GUARDS.
- WE NEED TO BRIBE THEM
OR SOMETHING
SO THEY'LL LET US GO.
- WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA
BRIBE A BUNCH OF
HOLLYWOOD ACTORS WITH?
- I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
- WHY THE HELL
DID I AGREE TO THIS?
- AND THAT'S WHY
WE NEED YOUR HELP.
- WHY WOULD MY PEOPLE HELP
THE WHITE MAN AND DENZEL?
- LOOK, WE NEED AN ARMY
TO HELP US RESCUE STEVE.
IF YOU HELP US,
WE'LL GIVE YOU YOUR LAND BACK.
- THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA.
- NO!
THAT PLACE WAS A SHITHOLE!
HOW COULD WE LEAVE
OUR BEAUTIFUL LAND?
- OUR LAND
NOT SO BEAUTIFUL ANYMORE.
- GODDAMN [bleep] INDIANS!
- YES!
IT'S STILL HERE!
- PBS ALIEN AUTOPSY LIVE
IS BROUGHT TO YOU
BY LANE BRYANT.
COVERING UP FAT CHICKS SO
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT THEM.
- NOW WE DON'T KNOW WHAT ORGANS
THIS ALIEN WILL HAVE.
HIS CHEST CAVITY COULD BE FULL
OF FACEHUGGERS OR CANDY.
WELL, LET'S FIND OUT.
- [groans]
[thud]
AH!
- ATTENTION, EARTH.
YOU HAVE ABDUCTED
ONE OF OUR MARTIAN PEOPLE.
WE DEMAND HIS IMMEDIATE--
- HEY, MA, LOOK AT YOUR BOY!
I'M ON TV!
HEY, YO, I WANNA GIVE A SHOUT
TO MY COOL FRIENDS GANG,
MY COUSIN KINISHIA--
I LOVE YOU, BABY.
DESHAWN.
STAY YOUR DUMB ASS IN SCHOOL.
MY BOY, BURBEL.
HEY, WHAT'S UP, BOY?
WHATCHA DOING?
HEY, CHARLES,
GIMME MY TIRES BACK, MAN!
- DENZEL!
- WHAT'S HAPPENING?
SWITCH IT OFF.
SWITCH IT OFF!
- I'M TRYING, DR. THOREAU.
I CAN'T.
IT'S LIKE THEY
TAPPED INTO OUR FEED.
- IF YOU DO NOT RETURN OUR
BROTHER SAFELY TO OUR PLANET
YOU WILL FACE THE WRATH
OF OUR MARTIAN ARMY.
[ululating]
- AND THEN YOU WILL
BE JUPITER FISTED TO DEATH
BY OUR HIDEOUS SPACE MONSTER.
- [roars]
[crowd screams]
- TRYING TO BEAT ME
AT MY OWN GAME, EH?
I'LL SHOW THEM.
DOCTOR, OPERATE!
- BUT I DON'T WANT TO GET
JUPITER FISTED TO DEATH.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS,
BUT MY FIRST THREE GUESSES
ARE HORRIBLE.
- OH, FINE.
I'LL DO IT.
- SIR, IT'S THE PRESIDENT.
- HELLO?
MR. PRESIDENT?
I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DON'T
WANNA GET JUPITER FISTED
TO DEATH, SIR, BUT--
AS YOU WISH, SIR.
THAT'S A WRAP.
- ON BEHALF OF EARTH PEOPLE,
I HEREBY RETURN
YOUR SPACE BROTHER.
- HEY, UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE,
THIS INVASION IS OVER.
[crowd cheers]
- WELCOME BACK, STEVE.
- NO!
DON'T LEAVE ME
WITH THESE MARTIANS!
TAKE ME BACK TO EARTH!
- WHAT THE [bleep]?
[drumming and flute music]
- IF YOU CAN'T TAKE
THE RESERVATION TO THE MALL,
TAKE THE MALL
TO THE RESERVATION.
- HOW.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "HOW"?
WE ALREADY DID IT.
- OH, YOU'RE GOING AWAY
FOR A LONG TIME.
YOU'LL BE DOING A TEN-YEAR
PRODUCTION OF BACKSIDE STORY.
[laughs]
WOODY JOHNSON, EVERYBODY.
- IT WAS ALL WORTH IT.
WE ALMOST GOT BETTER RATINGS
THAN THAT BETTY WHITE
PRANK SHOW.
- HEY, THAT'S MY FAVORITE SHOW.
IT MAKES ME LAUGH HARD
AND GET HARD.
- HEY, WATCH THE CAPE.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING
WE KNOW ABOUT SPACE IS A LIE.
DO YOU EVER THINK WE'LL FIND OUT
WHAT'S REALLY OUT THERE?
- I DON'T KNOW, STEVE.
BUT I KNOW
WHAT I'D LIKE IT TO BE.
[exotic dance music]
♪
- [screams]
[upbeat music]
♪
- I CAN'T BELIEVE TOMORROW'S
THE BIG DAY.
OUR COUNTRY IS FINALLY
PUTTING A MAN ON MARS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
IS UP THERE, DENZEL?
- HOT MARTIAN BITCHES
WITH FOUR SETS OF GREEN TITTIES.
- THAT'S REALLY PROFOUND,
DENZEL.
- I KNOW.
TITTY-[bleep] THAT BITCH
IS LIKE A FULL-TIME JOB.
- WHAT ABOUT THE REST
OF SPACE?
- MM, STARS AND SHIT.
- HOW MANY DO YOU THINK
THERE ARE?
- MORE THAN YOU
CAN COUNT, STEVE.
- WOW. 92.
- YOU ARE
A STUPID MOTHER[bleep].
- YEAH.
JUST ONE MORE QUESTION--
HOW DO WE GET THE CAR
OUT OF THE PLANETARIUM?
- [inhales]
SAME WAY WE GOT
THIS MOTHER[bleep] IN.
[tires screech]
[triumphant music]
♪
- [screams]
- ♪ BRICKLEBERRY
[gentle guitar chords]
- RANGERS, LISTEN UP.
TODAY IS A HISTORIC DAY.
[dramatic music]
- THE WORLD WATCHES
AS MAN PREPARES TO LAND
ON MARS.
- WHO CARES?
- IT'S THE GRAND OPENING
OF THE HAZELHURST MEGA MALL!
500 STORES,
200 DIFFERENT ONES!
A GIGANTIC ARCADE!
THE WORLD'S LARGEST
FOOD COURT,
CONVENIENTLY LOCATED RIGHT NEXT
TO THE LANE BRYANT SUPERSTORE!
- OH, MY GOD,
IT'S GOT EVERYTHING I WANT
AND NEW FAT PEOPLE
TO MAKE FUN OF.
I'LL BE IN THE CAR.
- OH, CUBBSIE WUBBS,
EVERYONE KNOWS BEARS
AREN'T ALLOWED IN MALLS.
IT'S LIKE HOW FILIPINOS
AREN'T ALLOWED IN LIBRARIES.
- WHAT?
- WE ALL KNOW THEY EAT PAPER!
[paper rustling]
- THIS NEW STEPHEN KING NOVEL
IS TERRIBLE!
[retching]
- AS I WAS SAYING,
I'M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE
BRICKLEBERRY WILL BE PLAYING
AN IMPORTANT ROLE
IN THE UPCOMING
MARS LANDING.
[all talking excitedly]
- I WISH I WAS GOING
UP THERE.
I'D GET SOME GREEN PUSSY.
YOU KNOW THAT.
- YOU SEE, MOUNT BRICKLEBERRY
IS THE HIGHEST POINT
IN THE WORLD.
- THAT DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT.
- IF IT'S ON THE BROCHURE,
IT'S TRUE!
ANYWAY, NASA IS GONNA BE
USING OUR PARK
AS A KEY TRANSMISSION POINT
FOR MISSION CONTROL.
AND THAT MEANS THEM INDIANS
AT THE BASE
OF MOUNT BRICKLEBERRY
HAVE GOTTA GO.
- BUT THE BROCHURE SAYS
THE BASE OF THE MOUNTAIN
IS THEIR ANCESTRAL LAND.
- YEAH, THE BROCHURE
ALSO SAYS
WE HAVE THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN
IN THE WORLD.
WHAT ARE YOU,
[bleep] STUPID?
- YOU WATCH
YOUR [bleep] MOUTH!
I'LL RIP YOUR GODDAMN HEAD OFF,
MOTHER[bleep]!
UH, SORRY, MR. JOHNSON.
YEAH, I'M STUPID.
- HEY, STEVE,
GO TELL THEM SAVAGES
THEY GOTTA MOVE 'EM HEAP QUICK.
- YOU GOT IT, SIR.
- WOODY, FOREST RESETTLEMENT
OF NATIVE AMERICANS
IS JUST WRONG.
- DON'T QUESTION
THE U.S. GOVERNMENT, MISSY!
THEY KNOW
WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
THEY DID A BANG-UP JOB
PLANNING 9-11,
CONTROLLING OUR MINDS
WITH FLUORIDE IN THE WATER,
AND TURNING
ANDERSON COOPER GAY!
- ANYBODY EVER SAY
YOU'RE A BIT
OF A CONSPIRACY THEORIST?
- AH, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
- HOW 'BOUT THAT STUNT
YOU PULLED
AT YOUR NEPHEW'S CHRISTENING?
- I KNOW THERE'S A MICROPHONE
IN HERE SOMEWHERE.
I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME,
YOU SOVIET BASTARDS.
THAT'S IT--
I'M GOING IN AFTER IT!
- WOODY DOESN'T KNOW
WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
I CAN GO TO THE MALL
IF I WANT TO.
- HOLD IT RIGHT THERE,
BUDDY.
- WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
- I'M TODD ROLLIN,
HEAD OF MALL SECURITY.
- WOW!
HEAD OF MALL SECURITY?
MINIMUM WAGE AND YOU GET TO RIDE
ONE OF THOSE COOL SEGWAYS?
- YOU DON'T SOUND IMPRESSED.
- I'M IMPRESSED BY THE WAY
YOU MANAGE
TO SWEAT
ON SOMETHING WITH WHEELS.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I'M GOING INTO THE MALL.
- OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.
EVERYONE KNOWS BEARS
AREN'T ALLOWED IN MALLS.
IT'S LIKE HOW MALAYSIANS AREN'T
ALLOWED IN SHOE STORES.
- WHAT?
- WE ALL KNOW
THEY EAT SHOELACES.
[romantic Italian music]
- THERE IS SOME REALLY OBSCURE
RACISM IN THIS TOWN.
- I AM SO SORRY
TO HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS,
BUT--
WAIT, TRIBAL CHAIRMAN?
YOU'RE THE INDIAN CHIEF,
RIGHT?
- THAT'S A STEREOTYPICAL THING
TO ASSUME.
- HOW?
- HOW.
ARE YOU HERE TO PUSH US
OFF OUR LAND?
- [chuckling]
NO, NO, NO.
I'M NOT.
I'M HERE TO BUY
YOUR LAND.
$24 IN BEADS SOUND GOOD?
- WE'LL TAKE IT!
- NOT SO FAST, NOT-SO-FAST.
WE SAID WE WOULD NOT MAKE
THIS MISTAKE AGAIN.
YOU THROW IN CLOSING COSTS.
- ALL RIGHT.
YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN.
$26 IN BEADS.
- NICE DOING BUSINESS
WITH YOU.
- YOU GUYS
ARE GONNA ENJOY THOSE.
I TRIED THEM OUT MYSELF.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- THEY'RE ANAL BEADS.
- PFFT!
- SALUTATIONS.
I AM MISSION CONTROL
DIRECTOR EXTRAORDINAIRE,
DR. KURT THOREAU, PhD.
- HI THERE.
HEAD RANGER EXCELENTE
WOODY JOHNSON,
B-I-G-D-I-C-K.
- AND WHO IS THIS
FETCHING CREATURE?
- DID YOU SAY "FETCHING"
OR "FELCHING"?
- UH, I'M ETHEL.
- DO MEN
WITH EXCEPTIONAL BEARDS
MAKE YOUR FISH FLAPS
FOAMY?
- WHAT?
OOF!
- SHOW ME TO MY OFFICE
AT ONCE.
- WELL, THE ONLY OFFICE
IN THERE IS MINE.
AGH!
LISTEN HERE, NAS-HOLE--
I DON'T KNOW
WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE--
OOF!
RIGHT THIS WAY.
[men chanting]
- STEVE, THANK YOU
FOR JOINING US
FOR OUR FAREWELL POWWOW.
- NO PROBLEM.
I HOPE YOU LIKE THE BEADS.
OH, YES, WIFE BURY THEM
WHERE SUN DON'T SHINE.
IN HER ASS.
- THIS WAS A LOT OF FUN.
THANKS FOR HANGING OUT
WITH ME ALL NIGHT.
- BROS BEFORE NAVAJOS.
OUR MEDICINE MAN OFFERS YOU
A BOWL OF HIKURI,
THE FOOD OF THE GODS.
SOME SAY IT LETS YOU SEE
THE HEAVENS.
NOW JUST TAKE A SMALL SIP.
- [gulping]
- IT'S VERY POWERFUL.
- AHH. WHAT?
[belches]
- YOU JUST HAD 2,000 HITS
OF PURE PEYOTE.
- IT'S NOT AFFECTING ME,
NINJA T-REX.
- HOO-AHH!
[roars]
- [screaming]
AAAAAAHHHHH!
- I HATE WHITE PEOPLE.
- ♪ OH, OUT WITH THE INJUNS,
IN WITH THE SPACEMEN ♪
♪ NASA'S THE BEST,
GONNA GET US SOME PRESS ♪
- YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
OF YOURSELF--
PUSHING THE NATIVE AMERICANS
OFF THEIR LAND
JUST FOR A LITTLE PUBLICITY.
- OH, CALM DOWN.
THE LAW OF REPARATIONS
SAYS THEY CAN CLAIM ANY LAND
IN THEIR FORMER TERRITORY
AS THEIR OWN.
THOSE REDSKINS CAN BASICALLY
LIVE ANYWHERE THEY WANT.
- ANYWHERE THEY WANT?
[flute and drum music]
- WHO ARE YOU?
- I'M MALLOY, TALKING BEAR.
- I KNEW HIS FATHER,
SHITS-IN-WOODS.
- LISTEN, MY PEOPLE.
IT IS TIME TO STOP
BEING PUSHED AROUND
BY THE WHITE MAN
AND TAKE THE SACRED LAND
THAT IS RIGHTFULLY OURS.
- WHAT SACRED LAND?
[light music playing]
- [ululating]
- WE BRING TALKING BEAR
MORE WAMPUM.
ORANGE JULIUS
AND BOUNTY OF CINNABON.
- DON'T WORRY.
I'LL USE EVERY PART
OF THE CINNABON.
I HOPE YOU PAID THE WHITE MAN
WITH MUCH SUFFERING.
- NO, WE PAID
WITH DISCOVER CARD.
- WHAT?
WHAT KIND OF INDIANS ARE YOU?
- NOT THE GOOD KIND.
OKAY, I'M LEAVING NOW.
- THIS IS OUR LAND.
IF WE WANT SOMETHING
FROM THE WHITE MAN,
WE TAKE IT.
- AFTER WE ASK NICELY?
- NO! THE WHITE MAN
IS OUR ENEMY!
HE STOLE OUR LAND,
HE MURDERED OUR PEOPLE,
AND HE TOLD US WE CAN'T COME
INTO THEIR MALLS,
JUST BECAUSE WE'RE BEARS!
- I DON'T REMEMBER
THAT LAST PART.
- JUST GO WITH IT.
HE'S ON A ROLL.
- IT'S TIME SOMEONE
TAUGHT YOU GUYS
HOW TO ACT
LIKE REAL INDIANS.
[dramatic music]
- AAH!
- AAH!
♪
[men whooping]
♪
- GET READY
FOR MAGIC TIME, PEOPLE.
I'LL ACTUALLY BE GUIDING
THE ASTRONAUTS
DOWN AS WE SPEAK.
- MISSION CONTROL,
THIS IS APOLLO.
WE ARE GO FOR LANDING
IN FOUR...
THREE...
TWO...
ONE.
- EXTEND PODS.
AND...
MAGIC!
- AND WE HAVE TOUCHDOWN.
- WE HAVE LANDED ON MARS.
[cheers]
KURT THOREAU, EVERYONE.
- HOW IS STEVE MISSING THIS?
WHERE THE HELL IS HE?
- [screams]
GET AWAY FROM ME,
OCTOPUS MIME!
[upbeat polka music]
♪
[screams]
♪
[truck roars]
[grunting]
AGH!
AAH!
- I THINK YOU'LL LIKE
THE FIRST WORDS
MAN WILL SAY ON MARS.
I COMPOSED THEM MYSELF.
- THAT WAS
ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN
AND ONE GIANT--
SHIT!
- [screams]
[babbling nonsensically]
[people screaming]
- WE CAN EASILY
REATTACH THESE
AS LONG AS WE'RE VERY,
VERY CAREFUL WITH THEM--
WHOA!
[chuckles]
SO THAT'S WHY
WE SHOULDN'T PUT THOSE
IN HERE.
[rangers scream]
- WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT FAT ALIEN
LOOKS LIKE STEVE.
- THAT FAT ALIEN IS STEVE.
- HOW'D STEVE GET TO MARS?
- STEVE ISN'T ON MARS.
[gasps]
THAT MEANS THE MARS LANDING--
- IT'S ALL A GODDAMN FAKE!
[laughs]
I KNEW IT!
WE'RE ASS-DEEP IN THE BIGGEST
CONSPIRACY EVER!
- GUARDS, SEIZE THEM!
- OH, WHAT?
YOU ACTORS
GONNA HOLD US HOSTAGE
WITH A BUNCH OF
PHONY PROP GUNS?
WOW, THAT'S REALISTIC.
FAKE BRAINS TOO.
- [babbling and laughing]
- UM, UH, MISSION CONTROL,
WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO?
- YOU'RE ACTORS.
IMPROVISE.
- HOLY MOLY,
IT'S A GENUINE...
ALIEN.
- [babbling]
UGHHH....
- OH, I CAN'T BREATHE...
IN THIS SPACE AIR.
- I'LL SAVE YOU.
- UGHHH! UHHHH!
- WELL, IT'S NOT
WHAT I PLANNED.
IT'S BETTER.
I DIDN'T JUST FAKE
A MARS LANDING.
I FAKED A MARTIAN.
YOU SEE?
I'M NOT JUST KURT THOREAU,
ROCKET SCIENTIST.
I'M ALSO KURT THOREAU,
MASTER SHOWMAN AND DIRECTOR!
I'LL BET THE RATINGS WILL TOP
OUR FAKE LUNAR LANDING
IN '69.
- SO YOU'RE SAYING
THAT NEIL ARMSTRONG--
- WAS AN ALCOHOLIC
OUT OF WORK BIRTHDAY CLOWN
BEFORE I DISCOVERED HIM.
- SO YOU'RE SAYING
ALL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES
ARE ACTORS?
I'M A GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE.
AM I AN ACTOR?
ARE THERE CAMERAS HERE?
ARE PEOPLE WATCHING ME
RIGHT NOW?
WHO AM I KIDDING?
10:30 ON TUESDAY NIGHT.
NOBODY'S WATCHING THIS SHIT.
- ONLY NASA KNOWS.
NO ONE ELSE.
NOT EVEN THE PRESIDENT.
AFTER THIS MISSION IS OVER,
I'M THROWING YOU ALL
IN SPACE PRISON.
- YAY!
IS THAT LIKE SPACE CAMP?
- YES, BUT WITH JUST
A TAD MORE RAPE.
[dramatic music]
- THE HAZELHURST MEGA MALL
IS CURRENTLY UNDER SIEGE
BY A GROUP OF INDIANS
AND A SMALL BEAR.
BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT
ABOUT THAT?
WE'VE GOT MARTIAN UPDATES.
IN A SHOCKING MOVE,
FOR PURPOSES OF RESEARCH,
DR. KURT THOREAU
HAS ORDERED THE ASTRONAUTS
TO BRING THE MARTIAN
BACK TO OUR PLANET.
- ROGER, MISSION CONTROL.
WE HAVE SUBDUED THE MARTIAN
WITH, UH,
ALIEN-HOLDING SPACE ROPE.
- VROOM, VROOM, VROOM!
VROOM!
[mimics rocket noises]
- I HOPE THEY MAKE IT BACK OKAY.
- HEY, GUARD, CAN YOU SHOOT
THIS FAT, DUMB BITCH?
- THE CAPSULE WILL BE TOUCHING
DOWN ANY MINUTE NOW.
BUT BE WARNED--
WHEN IT ENTERS THE ATMOSPHERE,
IT WILL MAKE A BRILLIANT FLASH!
EVERYONE, CLOSE YOUR EYES OR IT
WILL INSTANTLY BLIND YOU.
KER-SPLASH!
IT'S HERE.
YOU CAN OPEN YOUR EYES.
SMILES, EVERYONE.
WE'RE ABOUT TO GREET
A FRIEND FROM ANOTHER WORLD.
[lenses clicking]
- WH--WHERE AM I?
WHY AM I COVERED IN MUD
AND NAKED?
THIS HASN'T HAPPENED
SINCE SPACE CAMP.
- UH, WE MUST
GET HIM INTO ISOLATION
BEFORE OUR EARTH ATMOSPHERE
OF .7
GIVES HIM ACUTE FAILURE OF--
HE'S GOING TO EAT OUR DICKS!
- ♪ BRING IT ON
- MARSHMALLOW PEEPS
AND CADBURY EGG
NOW PROPERTY
OF CHIEF TALKING BEAR.
- HEY, THOSE ARE FOR THE KIDS.
[ululating]
- YOU WERE RIGHT.
TAKING LAND
AND KILLING WHITE MAN IS FUN.
- YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS
HAVE COME A LONG WAY.
- WE SHOULD HAVE EMBRACED OUR
STEREOTYPE MANY YEARS AGO.
- UH-UH-UH-UH.
- UH, MANY MOONS AGO.
- LISTEN, YOU.
THIS IS A MALL.
YOU CAN'T LIVE HERE.
I'M GIVING YOU ONE HOUR
TO VACATE
AND GET RID
OF ALL THE HORSESHIT.
- I CAN'T CONTROL WHAT
PANDA EXPRESS PUTS ON ITS MENU.
- GET OUT NOW!
- YOU HAVE DISHONORED MY PEOPLE
LONG ENOUGH, TODD.
WE WILL FIGHT FOR OUR LAND!
[ululating]
- CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME
WHERE THE PEPPERIDGE FARM
KIOSK IS?
I SMELL PENNIES ALL OF A SUDDEN.
- SO THIS IS MY
SECRET GOVERNMENT BASE.
ANY DRIPS FROM THE TAP?
- JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU PLAN
TO DO WITH STEVE.
- OH. WE WON'T HURT HIM.
[electricity crackles]
- [screams]
- WHY ARE YOU DOING
EXPERIMENTS ON HIM?
HEY, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE ALL ACTORS.
- OH, HE'S NOT AN ACTOR.
HE'S ONE OF AMERICA'S
TOP SCIENTISTS.
FOOLED BY MY MAGIC LIKE EVERYONE
ELSE IN THE COUNTRY!
- WHEN ARE YOU
GONNA LET STEVE GO?
- I'M AFRAID I CAN'T DO THAT.
IF ANYONE FINDS OUT
HE'S NOT A REAL ALIEN
MY CAREER WILL BE OVER.
I'LL BE CONVICTED OF FRAUD.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I MEAN YOUR FRIEND WILL
NOT LEAVE THIS BASE ALIVE.
EVER!
- NOW, IT'S TIME FOR THE
BOWLING PIN IN THE ANUS TEST.
- [screams]
- ♪ BRING IT ON
[ululating]
- WE'VE GOT THEM ON THE RUN.
- THERE THEY ARE
AT THE LAST CUSTARD STAND!
[ululating continues]
- [groans]
YAY!
AGH!
- I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE DOING
THOSE PAINFUL EXPERIMENTS
ON STEVE.
- WELL, AFTER
A CHILDHOOD LIKE HIS,
IT'S PROBABLY THE ONLY WAY
HE CAN CLIMAX.
- THAT'S YOU, WOODY.
- YEAH, THAT--THAT IS ME.
- WE CAN'T LET THEM
DO THIS TO STEVE.
WE NEED A PLAN TO RESCUE HIM.
- THOREAU HAS HIS EYES
ON STEVE 24/7.
WE NEED TO DISTRACT HIM
SO WE CAN BUST STEVE OUT.
- BUT HOW?
- ETHEL, YOU CAN DO IT.
- HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
DISTRACT HIM?
- I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
- THREE, TWO, AND ONE.
WE HAVE CONTACT.
- DO YOU HAVE TO
NARRATE EVERYTHING?
- AFFIRMATIVE.
ROTATING THRUSTER 30 DEGREES.
OPEN THE POD BAY DOORS.
DOCKING IN 59...58..57...56.
- [groans]
UGH, I HOPE WHAT I JUST DID
WAS WORTH--
- YAHTZEE!
- WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
DID YOU RESCUE STEVE?
- WHAT?
THAT WAS TONIGHT?
OH, I'M SORRY.
GUESS WE GOT CAUGHT UP
PLAYING--YAHTZEE!
I'M ON A ROLL!
- SO I JUST SLEPT WITH
A DISGUSTING ASSHOLE DOUCHEBAG
FOR NOTHING?
ISN'T ANYONE GONNA
SAY ANYTHING?
- UH, WELL, NORMALLY THIS IS
WHERE MALLOY WOULD JUMP IN
WITH SOMETHING LIKE,
"YEAH, BUT HOW'S THAT DIFFERENT
FROM YOUR TYPICAL TUESDAY?"
[laughs]
- NO, I THINK IT'D BE MORE LIKE,
"YOU DID IT FOR NOTHING?
USUALLY YOU GET TACO BELL
OUT OF IT."
- OR SOMETHING LIKE,
"DISGUSTING ASSHOLE?
YOU MEAN YOU FINALLY
SLEPT WITH CONNIE?"
- OH, YEAH, THAT'S IT.
- [laughs]
SLUT.
- OH, YEAH, YUK IT UP.
I JUST BANGED A GUY
WHO CALLS HIS PENIS
"THE USS ENTER-THIGHS."
- MAN, WHAT A LOSER.
NAMING HIS JUNK AFTER STAR TREK.
AIN'T THAT RIGHT, HUNG SOLO?
- SORRY, ETHEL.
WE CAN'T GET PAST THE GUARDS.
- STEVE IS IN REAL DANGER HERE.
KURT CAN'T HIDE HIM FOREVER.
AND IF HE LETS HIM GO,
NASA WILL BE EXPOSED.
- SO DO YOU THINK
HE'S GONNA KILL STEVE?
- I DON'T KNOW, BUT IF HE DOES,
I BET IT'LL
BE A RATINGS BONANZA.
- I AM SORRY TO REPORT
THAT THE MARTIAN
HAS CONTRACTED AN EARTH VIRUS.
AND HE APPEARS TO BE...DYING!
- DR. THOREAU, CAN YOU TELL US
WHAT DISEASE IT IS?
- HE'S GOT WHATEVER MADE E.T.
ALL WHITE AND DRIED OUT
AND GROSS.
- HOW MUCH TIME
DOES THE ALIEN HAVE LEFT?
- IMPOSSIBLE TO PREDICT,
BUT HE'LL DEFINITELY BE DEAD
BEFORE PRIMETIME TONIGHT.
- TONIGHT AT 9:00, LIVE ON PBS!
WITNESS HISTORY AS WE SHOW YOU
A REAL LIVE ALIEN AUTOPSY!
- OH, MY GOD.
- YES, WE'LL FINALLY GET TO SEE
WHAT'S INSIDE A MEXICAN!
- OKAY, SO POOF,
WE GET IN, GRAB STEVE,
AND THEN POOF, WE OUT.
- WELL, DOES ANYBODY HAVE A PLAN
THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE
NIGHTCRAWLER FROM THE X-MEN?
OR ANY OF THE OTHER X-MEN?
- WE NEED TO GET SERIOUS.
HIS AUTOPSY'S ONLY
A COUPLE OF HOURS AWAY.
- YEAH, AND WITH, LIKE,
AN HOUR FOR DINNER AND DESSERT,
THAT WON'T LEAVE US MUCH TIME.
- WE'D NEED AN ARMY
TO TAKE THOREAU DOWN.
THAT'S IT!
OKAY, I'VE GOT A PLAN,
BUT WE NEED TO
GET PAST THE GUARDS.
- WE NEED TO BRIBE THEM
OR SOMETHING
SO THEY'LL LET US GO.
- WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA
BRIBE A BUNCH OF
HOLLYWOOD ACTORS WITH?
- I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
- WHY THE HELL
DID I AGREE TO THIS?
- AND THAT'S WHY
WE NEED YOUR HELP.
- WHY WOULD MY PEOPLE HELP
THE WHITE MAN AND DENZEL?
- LOOK, WE NEED AN ARMY
TO HELP US RESCUE STEVE.
IF YOU HELP US,
WE'LL GIVE YOU YOUR LAND BACK.
- THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA.
- NO!
THAT PLACE WAS A SHITHOLE!
HOW COULD WE LEAVE
OUR BEAUTIFUL LAND?
- OUR LAND
NOT SO BEAUTIFUL ANYMORE.
- GODDAMN [bleep] INDIANS!
- YES!
IT'S STILL HERE!
- PBS ALIEN AUTOPSY LIVE
IS BROUGHT TO YOU
BY LANE BRYANT.
COVERING UP FAT CHICKS SO
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT THEM.
- NOW WE DON'T KNOW WHAT ORGANS
THIS ALIEN WILL HAVE.
HIS CHEST CAVITY COULD BE FULL
OF FACEHUGGERS OR CANDY.
WELL, LET'S FIND OUT.
- [groans]
[thud]
AH!
- ATTENTION, EARTH.
YOU HAVE ABDUCTED
ONE OF OUR MARTIAN PEOPLE.
WE DEMAND HIS IMMEDIATE--
- HEY, MA, LOOK AT YOUR BOY!
I'M ON TV!
HEY, YO, I WANNA GIVE A SHOUT
TO MY COOL FRIENDS GANG,
MY COUSIN KINISHIA--
I LOVE YOU, BABY.
DESHAWN.
STAY YOUR DUMB ASS IN SCHOOL.
MY BOY, BURBEL.
HEY, WHAT'S UP, BOY?
WHATCHA DOING?
HEY, CHARLES,
GIMME MY TIRES BACK, MAN!
- DENZEL!
- WHAT'S HAPPENING?
SWITCH IT OFF.
SWITCH IT OFF!
- I'M TRYING, DR. THOREAU.
I CAN'T.
IT'S LIKE THEY
TAPPED INTO OUR FEED.
- IF YOU DO NOT RETURN OUR
BROTHER SAFELY TO OUR PLANET
YOU WILL FACE THE WRATH
OF OUR MARTIAN ARMY.
[ululating]
- AND THEN YOU WILL
BE JUPITER FISTED TO DEATH
BY OUR HIDEOUS SPACE MONSTER.
- [roars]
[crowd screams]
- TRYING TO BEAT ME
AT MY OWN GAME, EH?
I'LL SHOW THEM.
DOCTOR, OPERATE!
- BUT I DON'T WANT TO GET
JUPITER FISTED TO DEATH.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS,
BUT MY FIRST THREE GUESSES
ARE HORRIBLE.
- OH, FINE.
I'LL DO IT.
- SIR, IT'S THE PRESIDENT.
- HELLO?
MR. PRESIDENT?
I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DON'T
WANNA GET JUPITER FISTED
TO DEATH, SIR, BUT--
AS YOU WISH, SIR.
THAT'S A WRAP.
- ON BEHALF OF EARTH PEOPLE,
I HEREBY RETURN
YOUR SPACE BROTHER.
- HEY, UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE,
THIS INVASION IS OVER.
[crowd cheers]
- WELCOME BACK, STEVE.
- NO!
DON'T LEAVE ME
WITH THESE MARTIANS!
TAKE ME BACK TO EARTH!
- WHAT THE [bleep]?
[drumming and flute music]
- IF YOU CAN'T TAKE
THE RESERVATION TO THE MALL,
TAKE THE MALL
TO THE RESERVATION.
- HOW.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "HOW"?
WE ALREADY DID IT.
- OH, YOU'RE GOING AWAY
FOR A LONG TIME.
YOU'LL BE DOING A TEN-YEAR
PRODUCTION OF BACKSIDE STORY.
[laughs]
WOODY JOHNSON, EVERYBODY.
- IT WAS ALL WORTH IT.
WE ALMOST GOT BETTER RATINGS
THAN THAT BETTY WHITE
PRANK SHOW.
- HEY, THAT'S MY FAVORITE SHOW.
IT MAKES ME LAUGH HARD
AND GET HARD.
- HEY, WATCH THE CAPE.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING
WE KNOW ABOUT SPACE IS A LIE.
DO YOU EVER THINK WE'LL FIND OUT
WHAT'S REALLY OUT THERE?
- I DON'T KNOW, STEVE.
BUT I KNOW
WHAT I'D LIKE IT TO BE.
[exotic dance music]
♪
- [screams]
[upbeat music]
♪