Brickleberry (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 12 - My Favorite Bear - full transcript
When Steve's childhood hero, Flamey the Bear, comes to Brickleberry for the televised re-opening of the forest, Woody charges Steve with keeping him sober. While Steve deals with the ...
- ♪ FLAMEY THE BEAR,
FLAMEY THE BEAR ♪
♪ HE'S THE ONE YOU CALL
WHEN THERE'S FIRE EVERYWHERE ♪
♪ IF YOU START A FOREST FIRE,
THEN YOU SHOULD BE SCARED ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU WILL BE DEVOURED
BY FLAMEY THE BEAR ♪
- GO AHEAD, KIDS.
TEST ME.
GOOD MORNING, KIDS.
REMEMBER, ONLY YOU--
- OOH, I'M GONNA GET YA!
[all gasp]
- OH, NO, KIDS.
IT'S A FOREST FIRE!
- CRACKLE, CRACKLE,
CRACKLE, CRACKLE.
- KIDS, HOW DO WE STAMP OUT
A FOREST FIRE?
all: WITH WATER!
YAY!
- [laughs]
I LOVE THE "FLAMEY AND FRIENDS"
SHOW.
- WAS THAT GUY
IN THE FIRE SUIT OKAY?
- NO, HE DIED.
BUT AT LEAST HE DIED DOING WHAT
HE LOVED, LIKE HITLER!
- SO, YOU ASKED ME OVER HERE
JUST TO WATCH
AN OLD FLAMEY THE BEAR SHOW?
- NO, THERE'S SOMETHING
I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TELL YOU
FOR A LONG TIME.
ETHEL, I ALWAYS REALLY LIKED--
UM, I REALLY LIKE...
"FLAMEY GOES TO HARLEM"!
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
IT'S EXTREMELY RACIST.
- I'M JUST GONNA HEAD HOME...
UNLESS YOU HAD SOMETHING ELSE
PLANNED FOR US.
- I--UH--
NO.
GOOD NIGHT, ETHEL.
DAMN IT, STEVE!
ONE DAY YOU'LL HAVE THE GUTS
TO TELL HER YOU LIKE HER.
OH, WELL.
AT LEAST I STILL HAVE FLAMEY.
- ANOTHER FOREST FIRE?
KIDS, HOW ELSE CAN WE STAMP OUT
A FIRE?
all: CUT OFF THE OXYGEN!
- [grunting, gasping]
all: YAY!
both: YAY!
♪
- AAH!
- ♪ BRICKLEBERRY
- TEN YEARS AGO,
THE SPARKY ARSON
MEMORIAL FOREST,
RIGHT HERE IN BRICKLEBERRY,
BURNED DOWN,
KILLING TREES,
DISPLACING WILDLIFE,
AND MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE
TO BURY HOOKERS THERE.
BUT THE FOREST HAS GROWN BACK,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
- TIME TO EMPTY OUT
YOUR PROSTITUTE FREEZER?
- [laughs]
OH, RIGHT!
LIKE I HAVE A BUNCH
OF FROZEN HOOKERS!
[laughs]
[sighs]
ANYWAY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
AN OFFICIAL FOREST
REOPENING CEREMONY,
TO BE BROADCAST ON...
[sings upbeat melody]
LOCAL CABLE!
OH, I'M HITTING THE BIG TIME.
- BIG TIME?
YOUR COLONOSCOPY
HAD MORE VIEWERS.
- HEY, IT WAS LESS GROSS THAN
AN EPISODE OF GIRLS.
- HEY, I LIKE GIRLS.
all: WE KNOW!
- [chuckles]
NOT TO MENTION,
ONCE MY OLD HIGH SCHOOL
GIRLFRIEND SEES THIS,
SHE'LL REGRET DUMPING ME
FOR THAT LOSER, JOE MONTANA.
BESIDES, ETHEL, NOT ALL OF US
CAN GET ATTENTION
BY FLASHING THEIR SLOPPY BEAVER
AT A WEBCAM.
- NO, I'VE HAD
ALL THOSE VIDEOS DELETED.
- NOPE, FOUND ONE!
- I'M TAKING THE DAY OFF.
MY SISTER DIED, OR SOMETHING.
- OH, WE ARE PULLING OUT
ALL THE STOPS!
TO CUT THE CEREMONIAL RIBBON,
I'M EVEN FLYING IN
FLAMEY THE BEAR.
- FLAMEY THE BEAR?
HE'S MY HERO!
- REALLY? WHAT HAPPENED
TO HOOT-HOOT THE OWL?
- I THINK HE RETIRED.
- ♪ GIVE A HOOT,
DON'T POLLUTE ♪
♪ GIVE A HOOT, DON'T POLLUTE
♪ GIVE A HOOT
- ANYWAY, I'VE FOLLOWED FLAMEY'S
WHOLE CAREER,
AND WHEN I WAS SEVEN,
HE CAME TO THE OPENING
OF OUR LOCAL WINN-DIXIE
SUPERMARKET.
I BROUGHT MY COPY OF HIS ALBUM
FOR HIM TO SIGN,
"FLAMEY THE BEAR,
JAZZ IN YOUR FACE,"
BUT I WAS TOO CHICKEN
TO ASK HIM.
- WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
LITTLE BOY?
- I POOPED MY PANTS.
- ONLY YOU CAN GET
THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.
- I NEED SOMEONE TO WATCH FLAMEY
WHILE HE'S HERE
AND MAKE SURE HE GETS
TO THE EVENT ON TIME.
ANYBODY WANT TO VOLUNTEER?
- OOH, OOH, OOH!
OOH, PICK ME!
ME, ME, ME, ME!
- [sighs]
ANY NON-STEVES WANT
TO VOLUNTEER?
HOW ABOUT YOU, DENZEL?
- NOPE.
I'LL BE BUSY WINNING
THE 100 GRAND
IN THE "ASS BLASTERS"
TOURNAMENT.
- DON'T YOU MEAN
"BASS MASTERS" TOURNAMENT?
- GOD DAMN IT!
I'VE BEEN ASS BLAST TRAINING
FOR THREE MONTHS!
[squeaking]
I REALLY WANTED
TO WIN THAT $100,000,
BUT I'M NOT [bleep] A FISH.
- IT'S FOR CATCHING
A FISH, IDIOT.
AND FOR 100 GRAND,
I MIGHT ENTER.
- OH, MALLOY,
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO FISH!
[laughs]
THAT'S SAD, 'CAUSE YOU'RE
A BEAR!
[all laughing]
- CAN'T CATCH NO FISH!
- TOUCHE, WOODY.
GOOD THING I DON'T TAKE INSULTS
LIKE THAT...PERSONALLY.
- COME ON, WOODY!
LET ME TAKE CARE OF FLAMEY.
I CAN DO THIS!
- ALL RIGHT, FINE, STEVE!
BUT FLAMEY HAS
A VERY FULL ITINERARY.
BUSY, BUSY!
SO DON'T SCREW IT UP!
- DENZEL!
TIME FOR ASS BLASTER TRAINING!
- I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS
FOR YOU, SENSEI.
AIN'T NO SUCH THING
AS ASS BLASTING.
- THEN WHAT HAVE I DEDICATED
MY LIFE TO?
AAH!
[plane engine starts]
BANZAI!
- ♪ GOTTA GET IN SHAPE
FOR THE TV CAMERAS ♪
♪ JOE MONTANA CAN SUCK IT
[smack]
OH, GOD!
- [laughs]
- FLAMEY WILL BE HERE
ANY MINUTE,
AND SO WILL THOSE TV CAMERAS.
HOW DO I LOOK?
- GOOD?
- WHY'D YOU HESITATE?
WHAT'S WRONG?
- NOTHING?
- SEE, IT--IT'S HARD
TO BELIEVE YOU
WHEN YOU KEEP HESITATING
LIKE THAT.
- I'M NOT...HESITATING.
- JESUS, JUST TELL ME
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS!
- SERIOUSLY, YOUR LIPS
LOOK LIKE SHIT.
- WHAT?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY LIPS?
- YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THEM.
THEY LOOK LIKE
TWO DRIED UP WORMS.
- AH, I KNEW IT!
I'M UGLY!
I HAVE SHRIVELED WORM LIPS!
I CAN'T GO ON TV LIKE THIS!
NO, NO!
- DON'T WORRY, WOODY.
IT'S NOTHING THAT
A MASSIVE AMOUNT
OF PLASTIC SURGERY CAN'T FIX.
- MY MOUTH LOOKS LIKE
A GODDAMN CHICKEN SNATCH!
- ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FIRES
IN FORESTS.
[applause]
[English accent] IN THE ROYAL
SHAKESPEARE COMPANY,
WE USED TO CALL THAT
A CATCHPHRASE.
- WELCOME TO OUR HUMBLE PARK,
MR. FLAMEY.
- NOTHING HUMBLE ABOUT IT,
OLD BOY.
THIS IS MOTHER NATURE
IN ALL HER GLORY.
WHY, THERE, THE MAJESTIC TREES,
A SPARROW OVER THERE,
AND THERE IS A HILLBILLY NUDE
FROM THE WAIST DOWN,
HIGH ON METHAMPHETAMINES,
EATING PAGES FROM THE BIBLE.
- HEY, FLAMEY, LOVE YOUR WORK!
- DELIGHTFUL.
- HI!
MY NAME IS STEVE.
I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN.
- FLATTERED, MY GOOD MAN,
FLATTERED.
AND THIS MUST BE
YOUR LOVELY GIRLFRIEND.
- SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND.
I MEAN, IF I DATED EVERYBODY
I MASTURBATED TO,
I'D BE DATING YOU, FLAMEY.
- I THINK I'M GOING
TO LIKE YOU, STEVEN.
- REALLY?
I ACTUALLY MET YOU
A LONG TIME AGO, AT THE OPENING
OF A WINN-DIXIE.
- I DON'T RECALL.
- I JUST WANTED YOU
TO SIGN THIS ALBUM.
IS THERE ANY WAY
YOU COULD DO IT NOW?
- MY APOLOGIES, STEVEN,
BUT MY BUSY SCHEDULE
ONLY ALLOWS ME
TO SIGN BREASTS.
- WELL, I'VE GOT QUITE
THE PAIR OF--
- WOMEN'S BREASTS.
- ISN'T HE GREAT?
- JUST DON'T TAKE YOUR EYES
OFF HIM FOR A SECOND!
IF HE'S NOT AT THAT OPENING,
IT'S YOUR ASS, STEVE!
AND WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T LET HIM DRINK!
- WHY NOT?
- TRUST ME, DON'T!
- SHOW ME TO YOUR CABIN
AT ONCE, STEVEN.
IF I DON'T PINCH A LOAF SOON,
IT'S GOING TO PINCH ME BACK!
A FLAMEY THE BEAR TOILET.
VERY INTERESTING.
I'VE NEVER SHIT
IN MY OWN MOUTH BEFORE.
- THAT'S NOTHING!
I'VE GOT "TRIVIAL PURSUIT:
FLAMEY EDITION,"
AND YOUR AUTHORIZED SEX TAPE
WITH LIZA MINNELLI.
- OH, LIZA!
SHE HAD A CROTCH LIKE
A GIANT BOWL OF TARANTULAS.
SPEAKING OF ALCOHOLICS,
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING HERE
TO DRINK, MY GOOD MAN?
- UM, I'M SO SORRY,
BUT MY BOSS SAID--
[laughs nervously]
AND THIS IS CRAZY--
HE SAID I COULDN'T
LET YOU DRINK.
- THAT'S TOO BAD.
I WAS HOPING WE COULD TOAST
TO OUR NEW FRIENDSHIP.
- FRIENDSHIP? FRIENDS?
YOU AND I ARE FRIENDS?
- OF COURSE WE ARE, MY BOY.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF YOU PROMISE NOT
TO TELL ANYONE,
I HAVE A LITTLE SOMETHING I WAS
SAVING FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION.
- TO OUR FRIENDSHIP!
- TO OUR FRIENDSHIP!
UNH!
- HEY, FLAMEY, I-I JUST
HAD A DREAM THAT YOU HIT ME
ON THE HEAD WITH--FLAMEY?
OH, NO!
HE'S GONE!
I'VE GOT TO FIND FLAMEY
OR WOODY WILL KILL ME!
[phone rings]
HELLO?
- HOW'S IT GOING WITH FLAMEY?
- GREAT, WOODY!
HE'S--HE'S RIGHT HERE WITH ME.
[exaggerated English accent]
UH, TOP OF THE MORNING TO YOU!
GOING TO THE LOO.
[deep voice]
AND THIS IS CNN.
- OH, GOOD,
THAT'S DEFINITELY HIM.
NOW LISTEN, HE MIGHT TRY
TO TRICK YOU
INTO GIVING HIM A DRINK.
DON'T BE STUPID ENOUGH
TO FALL FOR IT.
- AH, HOW STUPID
DO YOU THINK I AM?
- MM, I'D SAY SOMEWHERE
BETWEEN JAMES FRANCO
AND THE LAST SHIT
JAMES FRANCO TOOK.
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
BE HONEST.
DO MY LIPS LOOK GOOD?
- NO.
THEY LOOK AMAZING!
WAY BETTER THAN JOE MONTANA'S.
- WHOO!
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THIS PLASTIC SURGERY
WAS A GREAT IDEA, MALLOY.
- YEAH, IT'S JUST TOO BAD THAT--
[sighs] NEVER MIND.
- WHAT?
- I JUST FEEL LIKE YOUR LIPS
ARE SO PERFECT NOW,
IT MAKES YOUR EYES LOOK BAD
BY COMPARISON.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY EYES?
- [grunts]
I HATE TO DO THIS.
IT'S NITPICKING.
THEY'RE JUST A TAD
TOO CLOSE TOGETHER.
- OH, YOU'RE RIGHT!
MY GOD,
I'M A GODDAMN CYCLOPS!
- ♪ OH, I AM THE FAMOUS BEAR
♪ WHO LOVES TO DRINK AND SCREW
♪ I'LL DRINK AND DRINK
AND DRINK ♪
♪ IT'S MY FAVORITE THING
TO DO ♪
♪ ALTHOUGH I MAY BLACK OUT,
THIS THIRST I CANNOT QUENCH ♪
♪ ONE TIME I CAME TO NAKED
BALLS-DEEP IN JUDI DENCH ♪
all: ♪ HE'LL DRINK AND DRINK
AND DRINK ♪
♪ IT'S HIS FAVORITE THING
TO DO ♪
♪ 'CAUSE HE'S A FAMOUS BEAR
WHO LOVES TO DRINK AND SCREW ♪
[all cheering]
[all gasp]
- THERE YOU ARE!
THANK GOD.
- STEVEN, MY BOY!
SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.
GIVE US A KISS, LOVE.
- I'M SORRY, BUT WE HAVE
TO GET BACK TO THE PARK.
- MEET MY NEW FRIENDS!
GREAT CHAPS.
SHIT-KICKER, EDDIE ONE-TOOTH,
AND I BELIEVE THIS GENTLEMAN'S
NAME IS "SUPER RAPE."
- DON'T BE FOOLED BY MY NAME.
I'M JUST A REGULAR RAPIST.
- NICE TO MEET YOU?
- DRINKS ON MY OAFISH,
DULL-EYED FRIEND!
[all cheering]
- MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO EASY.
DON'T YOU HAVE A BIRTHDAY PARTY
APPEARANCE THIS AFTERNOON?
- ALL TAKEN CARE OF!
I GOT A FRIEND TO FILL IN.
[screaming]
[bear roaring]
STEVE, MY GOOD BOY, IT'S A BIT
LOUD AND RAUCOUS IN HERE.
LET'S GO SOMEWHERE QUIET
WHERE WE CAN TALK.
♪
- FLAMEY, YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF,
BUT MAYBE WE SHOULD GET BACK
TO THE--
- MR. BEAR!
IT IS AN HONOR TO HAVE SOMEONE
OF YOUR STATURE
IN MY HUMBLE TITTY BAR.
HERE!
YOU WANT TO FEEL GOOD?
- NO, I'D RATHER FEEL GREAT!
- JESUS CHRIST!
- YOUR FRIEND PUT THIS
IN MY G-STRING.
- "STEVE OWES YOU $20"?
- THERE'S MORE
WHERE THAT CAME FROM!
- GIVE ME THOSE!
WOW, DID WE HAVE FUN TONIGHT.
[laughs]
NOW, MAYBE IT'S TIME TO GO HOME.
- LOOK AT THIS, A TRICK
WINK MARTINDALE TAUGHT ME!
- OH, OH!
- BEAUTIFUL FIRE!
- BUT FLAMEY, I THOUGHT
YOU HATED FIRE!
- DO I, STEVEN?
DO I?
- HEY, WHAT THE--
WHAT THE [bleep]?
HEY!
AYE-YI-YI-YI-YI!
- WE GOTTA GET YOU OUT OF HERE!
- NONSENSE!
THE NIGHT HAS JUST BEGUN,
AND THE PILLS
ARE JUST KICKING IN!
- WHAT?
- [screams]
[video game beeping]
[crash]
- OH, [bleep]!
[glass breaks]
WELL, TOOK CARE
OF THAT EYE SITUATION!
KIND OF GOT A LITTLE BLIND SPOT
FROM HERE TO HERE,
BUT HEY, SMALL PRICE TO PAY
FOR GOOD LOOKS.
- WHOA!
GOD DAMN, YOU DO LOOK GOOD!
YOU'RE JUST ABOUT PERFECT,
WOODY.
- "JUST ABOUT"?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "JUST ABOUT"?
- WELL, IF I HAD GODLIKE LIPS
AND EYES,
I WOULDN'T WANT THEM
COMPETING FOR REAL ESTATE
WITH MY OVERSIZED NOSE AND EARS.
I'D TAKE THOSE IN
JUST A SMIDGE.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S G--
OH, OH! [grunts]
HEY, MALLOY, IF YOU'RE GONNA
PLAY WITH MY FROZEN HOOKERS,
AT LEAST PUT 'EM BACK!
[monitor beeping]
- IT'S TOUCH AND GO.
FOR 12 MINUTES,
HE WAS CLINICALLY DEAD.
[monitor flatlines]
AND HE'S DEAD, AGAIN.
[monitor beeping]
AND NOW, HE'S BACK.
- DO YOU THINK HE CAN MAKE IT TO
A FOREST OPENING AT 9:00 A.M.?
- YES, OF COURSE, THAT IS,
IF THE FOREST OPENING
IS IN HELL.
[phone rings]
WOODY, I'VE GOT
SOME REALLY BAD NEWS.
- SECOND WIND!
- UH, I'M GAY.
- COME ON, STEVEN,
THE NIGHT IS YO--
[retches]
[grunts]
HOLD ON.
[coughs] SOME OF THESE PILLS
ARE STILL INTACT.
ALLONS-Y, MON FRERE.
[screams]
- ALL RIGHT, WOODY.
LET'S GET A LOOK
AT YOUR BRAND-NEW FACE.
AND, VOILA!
- HOLY CHRIST, MALLOY!
YOU WERE RIGHT!
I AM A GODDAMN ADONIS!
[zipper zips]
- OH, THANK GOD!
FLAMEY, THERE YOU ARE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?
- WHEN I DIED, I SAW A LIGHT,
AND IN THE LIGHT WAS
MY DEAD MOTHER, CALLING TO ME.
AND THE WORDS
SHE CALLED OUT WERE...
GO BUY SOME CRACK!
- FLAMEY, DO NOT
DO ALL THAT CRACK!
- IF YOU'RE THAT CONCERNED
ABOUT MY WELL-BEING,
MAYBE YOU SHOULD SMOKE HALF
OF THE CRACK FOR ME.
- OH, MY GOD, I LOVE CRACK!
- AND HE LOVES YOU BACK,
JUST AS I DO!
- REALLY?
WILL YOU SIGN MY RECORD NOW?
- I'LL GO YOU ONE BETTER!
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO BED
YOUR RANGER GIRL!
IT'S QUITE SIMPLE.
FIRST YOU--
- HEY!
YOU FAT, FURRY FOOK!
AND YOU TOO, BEAR!
- YOU STUCK ME WITH THE BAR TAB.
- YOU BURNED DOWN MY CLUB!
- YOUR CRAPPY INSURANCE
BARELY PAID YOUR DEDUCTIBLE.
- AND YOU MAULED MY KIDS!
- IN FAIRNESS,
THAT WASN'T FLAMEY.
IT WAS A REAL BEAR
HE SENT TO YOUR HOUSE.
- AH, OKAY.
- STEVEN, OUR BACKS ARE AGAINST
THE WALL.
BUT THEY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
BETTER THAN
TO CROSS THE TWO MUSKETEERS!
ALL FOR ONE--
- AND ONE FOR--FLAMEY?
UH-OH.
[all grunting]
[moaning]
- OH, YEAH.
OOH, OH, YEAH!
- OH!
STEVEN, OLD CHAP.
HEY, OLD FELLOW, WELL MET!
- FLAMEY?
ETHEL?
- I TOLD YOU I'D SHOW YOU
HOW TO BED ETHEL.
YOU DO IT LIKE THIS.
IN, OUT, IN, OUT...
IN, OUT, IN, OUT!
- YOU OKAY, STEVE?
- AM I OKAY?
AM I OKAY?
NO!
YOU JUST [bleep] FLAMEY THE BEAR
ON MY FLAMEY THE BEAR SHEETS!
- I DON'T GET WHY
YOU'RE SO UPSET, STEVE.
HE TOLD ME YOU GAVE HIM
THE GREEN LIGHT
SINCE YOU AND I
ARE JUST FRIENDS.
- HE SAID THAT?
EXCUSE ME, ETHEL.
I THINK IT'S HIGH TIME I HAD
A LITTLE TALK WITH MY IDOL.
FLAMEY, WE HAVE TO TALK.
- WE DO.
I BEHAVED HORRIBLY LAST NIGHT,
AND I DEEPLY, TRULY APOLOGIZE.
- OH. WELL, OKAY.
BUT, STILL--
- WE BOTH KNOW
I CAN'T UN-[bleep] ETHEL,
BUT IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,
I'D LIKE TO SIGN YOUR ALBUM!
- THAT WOULD MEAN A LOT.
- NOW, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,
WE HAVE AN EVENT
TO GET TO BY 9:00 A.M.
I BELIEVE THIS IS YOURS.
- MY FLAMEY THE BEAR
VIBRATING FIRE FIST?
THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
FOR PUNCHING OUT FIRES!
- IT'S ALSO GOOD FOR WRECKING
YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S VAGINA.
[sploosh]
- THE HAIRCUT LOOKS GREAT,
WOODY.
AND AFTER YOU'VE HAD SOME SUN,
YOU WILL BE A TEN.
- AL RIGHT,
YOU'RE SURE I HAVEN'T BEEN
IN THE SUN TOO LONG?
- RELAX, WOODY.
IT'S CALLED A BASE TAN.
- IT'S JUST THAT I CAN'T REALLY
FEEL MY SKIN ANYMORE.
- FINE!
I'LL PUT SOME SUNSCREEN ON YOU.
- [grunts]
MALLOY!
I CAN'T MOVE MY ARMS OR LEGS!
[sputtering]
AH, WHAT THE HELL, MALLOY?
AAH!
- LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT FISH!
THAT SUMBITCH IS HUGE!
[cameras clicking]
- FISH FRY, MY PLACE,
7:00, BRING A SIDE.
WE ARE GONNA NEED
A SHIT-LOAD OF TARTAR SAUCE.
- [laughs]
AND REMEMBER THE LOOK
ON THAT CHAP'S FACE
WHEN HE SAW THAT FLAMING URINE
COMING AT HIM?
- [laughs]
AND THEN WE SMOKED CRACK.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN GET
SOME MORE CRACK, BY THE WAY?
- [laughs]
YOU'RE A CORKER, MY BOY.
- NO, REALLY.
I'D LIKE TO BUY SOME MORE CRACK.
- [laughs]
OH, STEVEN.
PULL OVER AT THIS STOP N' GEAUX.
I'LL BUY US SOME BREAKFAST.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK,
OLD FRIEND.
- "I HAD FUN [bleep]
YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
"SUCK MY DICK.
FLAMEY THE BEAR"?
THAT'S IT!
ALL I'VE EVER DONE
IS LOVE YOU!
AND YOU'RE NOTHING BUT
A WASHED UP, DRUNKEN ASSHOLE!
YOU DON'T DESERVE
TO WEAR THIS SUIT.
I HATE YOU!
- I THINK I MAY
BE FEELING REGRET
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.
DOES REGRET FEEL LIKE NUMBNESS
IN YOUR LEFT ARM,
AND THEN A CRUSHING CHEST PAIN?
- NO, I THINK
THAT'S A HEART ATTACK.
- [grunts]
OH.
STEVEN, I'M DYING, AGAIN.
TAKE OFF MY BEAR HEAD,
SO THAT I MIGHT LOOK ON YOU
WITH MY OWN EYES.
[hiss]
I ACTUALLY DO REMEMBER
MEETING YOU AT THE WINN-DIXIE.
YOU WERE A STOCKY LAD
WITH A MISSPELLED FLAMEY SHIRT.
- YEAH, THAT WAS ME.
- I REMEMBER, STEVEN, BECAUSE--
COME CLOSER.
- YES?
TELL ME.
- I REMEMBER BECAUSE I BANGED
YOUR MOTHER
IN THE BACK
OF YOUR STATION WAGON.
HER FACE WAS JAMMED
INTO YOUR BOOSTER SEAT.
WHEN SHE CLIMAXED,
SHE INHALED
THREE GOLDFISH CRACKERS.
[death rattle]
[tires screeching]
[tires screeching]
- IN WE GO.
I THINK TWO FEET IS DEEP ENOUGH,
ALL THINGS CONSIDERED.
[phone rings]
- STEVE, HOW'S FLAMEY?
- HE'S DEAD...SET ON MAKING IT
A KILLER EVENT.
- IF HE IS NOT HERE
IN FIVE MINUTES,
YOU ARE FIRED!
DON'T MESS WITH ME, STEVE.
I'VE HAD A REALLY HARD DAY.
[tearing]
OW!
- WE'RE HERE LIVE
FOR THE GRAND REOPENING
OF THE GENERAL SPARKY ARSON
MEMORIAL FOREST.
WE'RE HERE WITH HEAD
PARK RANGER, WOODY JOHNSON.
- HELLO, LOCAL TELEVISION LAND!
- OH, MY GOD!
[screams]
- BOO!
OKAY, SANDY, I GET IT!
I'M A MONSTER!
A MONSTER!
- SO, THAT'S
YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND?
- GOOD MORNING, BRICKLEBERRY!
[stammers]
GOD DAMN IT!
all: EWW!
- GROSS.
- YUCK.
- OH, MY GOD!
- WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE WON
THAT ASS BLASTING COMPETITION,
DENZEL.
- I KNEW IT WAS REAL!
♪ BA BA-DA BUM-BUM
- ♪ BUM BUM
- HERE TO CUT
OUR CEREMONIAL RIBBON--
SO PUT THOSE CIGARETTES OUT,
PEOPLE--
THE ONE, THE ONLY,
FLAMEY THE BEAR!
[cheers and applause]
- MY NAME IS FLAMEY THE BEAR.
- YOU WON'T GET AWAY
FROM US AGAIN, BEAR MAN!
- UH-OH.
AND AS SOME OF YOU
MAY HAVE SEEN,
I CAN BE A HUGE ASSHOLE.
BUT, I ALSO GAVE HOPE TO A KID
WHO NEEDED A HERO,
NO MATTER HOW IMPERFECT
THAT HERO TURNED OUT TO BE.
AND THAT'S WHY, DEEP DOWN,
WE ALL STILL LOVE
FLAMEY THE BEAR.
- THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
LET'S KILL HIM!
- BOBBY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY BIBLE?
I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE,
AND I GOTTA TEACH SUNDAY SCHOOL.
- I'D GIVE IT BACK TO YOU,
BUT I CAN'T.
I ATE THAT SON OF A BITCH.
UNH!
HEY, THIS DEAD GUY TRIPPED ME!
I'M GONNA KICK HIS ASS.
- WHOO, PHEW-EE.
THIS DEAD FELLER SMELLS
LIKE ALCOHOL, BOBBY.
WE REALLY NEED TO BE CAREFUL
NOT TO--[screams]
- ALL RIGHT.
NOW, YOU DIE.
AAH!
OH, MY GOD!
FLAMEY!
ONLY YOU CAN SAVE US!
- WHAT WOULD FLAMEY DO?
WHAT WOULD FLAMEY DO?
I GOT IT!
♪
I LOVE CRACK!
- AAH!
FLAMEY THE BEAR ♪
♪ HE'S THE ONE YOU CALL
WHEN THERE'S FIRE EVERYWHERE ♪
♪ IF YOU START A FOREST FIRE,
THEN YOU SHOULD BE SCARED ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU WILL BE DEVOURED
BY FLAMEY THE BEAR ♪
- GO AHEAD, KIDS.
TEST ME.
GOOD MORNING, KIDS.
REMEMBER, ONLY YOU--
- OOH, I'M GONNA GET YA!
[all gasp]
- OH, NO, KIDS.
IT'S A FOREST FIRE!
- CRACKLE, CRACKLE,
CRACKLE, CRACKLE.
- KIDS, HOW DO WE STAMP OUT
A FOREST FIRE?
all: WITH WATER!
YAY!
- [laughs]
I LOVE THE "FLAMEY AND FRIENDS"
SHOW.
- WAS THAT GUY
IN THE FIRE SUIT OKAY?
- NO, HE DIED.
BUT AT LEAST HE DIED DOING WHAT
HE LOVED, LIKE HITLER!
- SO, YOU ASKED ME OVER HERE
JUST TO WATCH
AN OLD FLAMEY THE BEAR SHOW?
- NO, THERE'S SOMETHING
I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TELL YOU
FOR A LONG TIME.
ETHEL, I ALWAYS REALLY LIKED--
UM, I REALLY LIKE...
"FLAMEY GOES TO HARLEM"!
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
IT'S EXTREMELY RACIST.
- I'M JUST GONNA HEAD HOME...
UNLESS YOU HAD SOMETHING ELSE
PLANNED FOR US.
- I--UH--
NO.
GOOD NIGHT, ETHEL.
DAMN IT, STEVE!
ONE DAY YOU'LL HAVE THE GUTS
TO TELL HER YOU LIKE HER.
OH, WELL.
AT LEAST I STILL HAVE FLAMEY.
- ANOTHER FOREST FIRE?
KIDS, HOW ELSE CAN WE STAMP OUT
A FIRE?
all: CUT OFF THE OXYGEN!
- [grunting, gasping]
all: YAY!
both: YAY!
♪
- AAH!
- ♪ BRICKLEBERRY
- TEN YEARS AGO,
THE SPARKY ARSON
MEMORIAL FOREST,
RIGHT HERE IN BRICKLEBERRY,
BURNED DOWN,
KILLING TREES,
DISPLACING WILDLIFE,
AND MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE
TO BURY HOOKERS THERE.
BUT THE FOREST HAS GROWN BACK,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
- TIME TO EMPTY OUT
YOUR PROSTITUTE FREEZER?
- [laughs]
OH, RIGHT!
LIKE I HAVE A BUNCH
OF FROZEN HOOKERS!
[laughs]
[sighs]
ANYWAY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
AN OFFICIAL FOREST
REOPENING CEREMONY,
TO BE BROADCAST ON...
[sings upbeat melody]
LOCAL CABLE!
OH, I'M HITTING THE BIG TIME.
- BIG TIME?
YOUR COLONOSCOPY
HAD MORE VIEWERS.
- HEY, IT WAS LESS GROSS THAN
AN EPISODE OF GIRLS.
- HEY, I LIKE GIRLS.
all: WE KNOW!
- [chuckles]
NOT TO MENTION,
ONCE MY OLD HIGH SCHOOL
GIRLFRIEND SEES THIS,
SHE'LL REGRET DUMPING ME
FOR THAT LOSER, JOE MONTANA.
BESIDES, ETHEL, NOT ALL OF US
CAN GET ATTENTION
BY FLASHING THEIR SLOPPY BEAVER
AT A WEBCAM.
- NO, I'VE HAD
ALL THOSE VIDEOS DELETED.
- NOPE, FOUND ONE!
- I'M TAKING THE DAY OFF.
MY SISTER DIED, OR SOMETHING.
- OH, WE ARE PULLING OUT
ALL THE STOPS!
TO CUT THE CEREMONIAL RIBBON,
I'M EVEN FLYING IN
FLAMEY THE BEAR.
- FLAMEY THE BEAR?
HE'S MY HERO!
- REALLY? WHAT HAPPENED
TO HOOT-HOOT THE OWL?
- I THINK HE RETIRED.
- ♪ GIVE A HOOT,
DON'T POLLUTE ♪
♪ GIVE A HOOT, DON'T POLLUTE
♪ GIVE A HOOT
- ANYWAY, I'VE FOLLOWED FLAMEY'S
WHOLE CAREER,
AND WHEN I WAS SEVEN,
HE CAME TO THE OPENING
OF OUR LOCAL WINN-DIXIE
SUPERMARKET.
I BROUGHT MY COPY OF HIS ALBUM
FOR HIM TO SIGN,
"FLAMEY THE BEAR,
JAZZ IN YOUR FACE,"
BUT I WAS TOO CHICKEN
TO ASK HIM.
- WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
LITTLE BOY?
- I POOPED MY PANTS.
- ONLY YOU CAN GET
THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.
- I NEED SOMEONE TO WATCH FLAMEY
WHILE HE'S HERE
AND MAKE SURE HE GETS
TO THE EVENT ON TIME.
ANYBODY WANT TO VOLUNTEER?
- OOH, OOH, OOH!
OOH, PICK ME!
ME, ME, ME, ME!
- [sighs]
ANY NON-STEVES WANT
TO VOLUNTEER?
HOW ABOUT YOU, DENZEL?
- NOPE.
I'LL BE BUSY WINNING
THE 100 GRAND
IN THE "ASS BLASTERS"
TOURNAMENT.
- DON'T YOU MEAN
"BASS MASTERS" TOURNAMENT?
- GOD DAMN IT!
I'VE BEEN ASS BLAST TRAINING
FOR THREE MONTHS!
[squeaking]
I REALLY WANTED
TO WIN THAT $100,000,
BUT I'M NOT [bleep] A FISH.
- IT'S FOR CATCHING
A FISH, IDIOT.
AND FOR 100 GRAND,
I MIGHT ENTER.
- OH, MALLOY,
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO FISH!
[laughs]
THAT'S SAD, 'CAUSE YOU'RE
A BEAR!
[all laughing]
- CAN'T CATCH NO FISH!
- TOUCHE, WOODY.
GOOD THING I DON'T TAKE INSULTS
LIKE THAT...PERSONALLY.
- COME ON, WOODY!
LET ME TAKE CARE OF FLAMEY.
I CAN DO THIS!
- ALL RIGHT, FINE, STEVE!
BUT FLAMEY HAS
A VERY FULL ITINERARY.
BUSY, BUSY!
SO DON'T SCREW IT UP!
- DENZEL!
TIME FOR ASS BLASTER TRAINING!
- I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS
FOR YOU, SENSEI.
AIN'T NO SUCH THING
AS ASS BLASTING.
- THEN WHAT HAVE I DEDICATED
MY LIFE TO?
AAH!
[plane engine starts]
BANZAI!
- ♪ GOTTA GET IN SHAPE
FOR THE TV CAMERAS ♪
♪ JOE MONTANA CAN SUCK IT
[smack]
OH, GOD!
- [laughs]
- FLAMEY WILL BE HERE
ANY MINUTE,
AND SO WILL THOSE TV CAMERAS.
HOW DO I LOOK?
- GOOD?
- WHY'D YOU HESITATE?
WHAT'S WRONG?
- NOTHING?
- SEE, IT--IT'S HARD
TO BELIEVE YOU
WHEN YOU KEEP HESITATING
LIKE THAT.
- I'M NOT...HESITATING.
- JESUS, JUST TELL ME
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS!
- SERIOUSLY, YOUR LIPS
LOOK LIKE SHIT.
- WHAT?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY LIPS?
- YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THEM.
THEY LOOK LIKE
TWO DRIED UP WORMS.
- AH, I KNEW IT!
I'M UGLY!
I HAVE SHRIVELED WORM LIPS!
I CAN'T GO ON TV LIKE THIS!
NO, NO!
- DON'T WORRY, WOODY.
IT'S NOTHING THAT
A MASSIVE AMOUNT
OF PLASTIC SURGERY CAN'T FIX.
- MY MOUTH LOOKS LIKE
A GODDAMN CHICKEN SNATCH!
- ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FIRES
IN FORESTS.
[applause]
[English accent] IN THE ROYAL
SHAKESPEARE COMPANY,
WE USED TO CALL THAT
A CATCHPHRASE.
- WELCOME TO OUR HUMBLE PARK,
MR. FLAMEY.
- NOTHING HUMBLE ABOUT IT,
OLD BOY.
THIS IS MOTHER NATURE
IN ALL HER GLORY.
WHY, THERE, THE MAJESTIC TREES,
A SPARROW OVER THERE,
AND THERE IS A HILLBILLY NUDE
FROM THE WAIST DOWN,
HIGH ON METHAMPHETAMINES,
EATING PAGES FROM THE BIBLE.
- HEY, FLAMEY, LOVE YOUR WORK!
- DELIGHTFUL.
- HI!
MY NAME IS STEVE.
I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN.
- FLATTERED, MY GOOD MAN,
FLATTERED.
AND THIS MUST BE
YOUR LOVELY GIRLFRIEND.
- SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND.
I MEAN, IF I DATED EVERYBODY
I MASTURBATED TO,
I'D BE DATING YOU, FLAMEY.
- I THINK I'M GOING
TO LIKE YOU, STEVEN.
- REALLY?
I ACTUALLY MET YOU
A LONG TIME AGO, AT THE OPENING
OF A WINN-DIXIE.
- I DON'T RECALL.
- I JUST WANTED YOU
TO SIGN THIS ALBUM.
IS THERE ANY WAY
YOU COULD DO IT NOW?
- MY APOLOGIES, STEVEN,
BUT MY BUSY SCHEDULE
ONLY ALLOWS ME
TO SIGN BREASTS.
- WELL, I'VE GOT QUITE
THE PAIR OF--
- WOMEN'S BREASTS.
- ISN'T HE GREAT?
- JUST DON'T TAKE YOUR EYES
OFF HIM FOR A SECOND!
IF HE'S NOT AT THAT OPENING,
IT'S YOUR ASS, STEVE!
AND WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T LET HIM DRINK!
- WHY NOT?
- TRUST ME, DON'T!
- SHOW ME TO YOUR CABIN
AT ONCE, STEVEN.
IF I DON'T PINCH A LOAF SOON,
IT'S GOING TO PINCH ME BACK!
A FLAMEY THE BEAR TOILET.
VERY INTERESTING.
I'VE NEVER SHIT
IN MY OWN MOUTH BEFORE.
- THAT'S NOTHING!
I'VE GOT "TRIVIAL PURSUIT:
FLAMEY EDITION,"
AND YOUR AUTHORIZED SEX TAPE
WITH LIZA MINNELLI.
- OH, LIZA!
SHE HAD A CROTCH LIKE
A GIANT BOWL OF TARANTULAS.
SPEAKING OF ALCOHOLICS,
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING HERE
TO DRINK, MY GOOD MAN?
- UM, I'M SO SORRY,
BUT MY BOSS SAID--
[laughs nervously]
AND THIS IS CRAZY--
HE SAID I COULDN'T
LET YOU DRINK.
- THAT'S TOO BAD.
I WAS HOPING WE COULD TOAST
TO OUR NEW FRIENDSHIP.
- FRIENDSHIP? FRIENDS?
YOU AND I ARE FRIENDS?
- OF COURSE WE ARE, MY BOY.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF YOU PROMISE NOT
TO TELL ANYONE,
I HAVE A LITTLE SOMETHING I WAS
SAVING FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION.
- TO OUR FRIENDSHIP!
- TO OUR FRIENDSHIP!
UNH!
- HEY, FLAMEY, I-I JUST
HAD A DREAM THAT YOU HIT ME
ON THE HEAD WITH--FLAMEY?
OH, NO!
HE'S GONE!
I'VE GOT TO FIND FLAMEY
OR WOODY WILL KILL ME!
[phone rings]
HELLO?
- HOW'S IT GOING WITH FLAMEY?
- GREAT, WOODY!
HE'S--HE'S RIGHT HERE WITH ME.
[exaggerated English accent]
UH, TOP OF THE MORNING TO YOU!
GOING TO THE LOO.
[deep voice]
AND THIS IS CNN.
- OH, GOOD,
THAT'S DEFINITELY HIM.
NOW LISTEN, HE MIGHT TRY
TO TRICK YOU
INTO GIVING HIM A DRINK.
DON'T BE STUPID ENOUGH
TO FALL FOR IT.
- AH, HOW STUPID
DO YOU THINK I AM?
- MM, I'D SAY SOMEWHERE
BETWEEN JAMES FRANCO
AND THE LAST SHIT
JAMES FRANCO TOOK.
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
BE HONEST.
DO MY LIPS LOOK GOOD?
- NO.
THEY LOOK AMAZING!
WAY BETTER THAN JOE MONTANA'S.
- WHOO!
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THIS PLASTIC SURGERY
WAS A GREAT IDEA, MALLOY.
- YEAH, IT'S JUST TOO BAD THAT--
[sighs] NEVER MIND.
- WHAT?
- I JUST FEEL LIKE YOUR LIPS
ARE SO PERFECT NOW,
IT MAKES YOUR EYES LOOK BAD
BY COMPARISON.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY EYES?
- [grunts]
I HATE TO DO THIS.
IT'S NITPICKING.
THEY'RE JUST A TAD
TOO CLOSE TOGETHER.
- OH, YOU'RE RIGHT!
MY GOD,
I'M A GODDAMN CYCLOPS!
- ♪ OH, I AM THE FAMOUS BEAR
♪ WHO LOVES TO DRINK AND SCREW
♪ I'LL DRINK AND DRINK
AND DRINK ♪
♪ IT'S MY FAVORITE THING
TO DO ♪
♪ ALTHOUGH I MAY BLACK OUT,
THIS THIRST I CANNOT QUENCH ♪
♪ ONE TIME I CAME TO NAKED
BALLS-DEEP IN JUDI DENCH ♪
all: ♪ HE'LL DRINK AND DRINK
AND DRINK ♪
♪ IT'S HIS FAVORITE THING
TO DO ♪
♪ 'CAUSE HE'S A FAMOUS BEAR
WHO LOVES TO DRINK AND SCREW ♪
[all cheering]
[all gasp]
- THERE YOU ARE!
THANK GOD.
- STEVEN, MY BOY!
SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.
GIVE US A KISS, LOVE.
- I'M SORRY, BUT WE HAVE
TO GET BACK TO THE PARK.
- MEET MY NEW FRIENDS!
GREAT CHAPS.
SHIT-KICKER, EDDIE ONE-TOOTH,
AND I BELIEVE THIS GENTLEMAN'S
NAME IS "SUPER RAPE."
- DON'T BE FOOLED BY MY NAME.
I'M JUST A REGULAR RAPIST.
- NICE TO MEET YOU?
- DRINKS ON MY OAFISH,
DULL-EYED FRIEND!
[all cheering]
- MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO EASY.
DON'T YOU HAVE A BIRTHDAY PARTY
APPEARANCE THIS AFTERNOON?
- ALL TAKEN CARE OF!
I GOT A FRIEND TO FILL IN.
[screaming]
[bear roaring]
STEVE, MY GOOD BOY, IT'S A BIT
LOUD AND RAUCOUS IN HERE.
LET'S GO SOMEWHERE QUIET
WHERE WE CAN TALK.
♪
- FLAMEY, YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF,
BUT MAYBE WE SHOULD GET BACK
TO THE--
- MR. BEAR!
IT IS AN HONOR TO HAVE SOMEONE
OF YOUR STATURE
IN MY HUMBLE TITTY BAR.
HERE!
YOU WANT TO FEEL GOOD?
- NO, I'D RATHER FEEL GREAT!
- JESUS CHRIST!
- YOUR FRIEND PUT THIS
IN MY G-STRING.
- "STEVE OWES YOU $20"?
- THERE'S MORE
WHERE THAT CAME FROM!
- GIVE ME THOSE!
WOW, DID WE HAVE FUN TONIGHT.
[laughs]
NOW, MAYBE IT'S TIME TO GO HOME.
- LOOK AT THIS, A TRICK
WINK MARTINDALE TAUGHT ME!
- OH, OH!
- BEAUTIFUL FIRE!
- BUT FLAMEY, I THOUGHT
YOU HATED FIRE!
- DO I, STEVEN?
DO I?
- HEY, WHAT THE--
WHAT THE [bleep]?
HEY!
AYE-YI-YI-YI-YI!
- WE GOTTA GET YOU OUT OF HERE!
- NONSENSE!
THE NIGHT HAS JUST BEGUN,
AND THE PILLS
ARE JUST KICKING IN!
- WHAT?
- [screams]
[video game beeping]
[crash]
- OH, [bleep]!
[glass breaks]
WELL, TOOK CARE
OF THAT EYE SITUATION!
KIND OF GOT A LITTLE BLIND SPOT
FROM HERE TO HERE,
BUT HEY, SMALL PRICE TO PAY
FOR GOOD LOOKS.
- WHOA!
GOD DAMN, YOU DO LOOK GOOD!
YOU'RE JUST ABOUT PERFECT,
WOODY.
- "JUST ABOUT"?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "JUST ABOUT"?
- WELL, IF I HAD GODLIKE LIPS
AND EYES,
I WOULDN'T WANT THEM
COMPETING FOR REAL ESTATE
WITH MY OVERSIZED NOSE AND EARS.
I'D TAKE THOSE IN
JUST A SMIDGE.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S G--
OH, OH! [grunts]
HEY, MALLOY, IF YOU'RE GONNA
PLAY WITH MY FROZEN HOOKERS,
AT LEAST PUT 'EM BACK!
[monitor beeping]
- IT'S TOUCH AND GO.
FOR 12 MINUTES,
HE WAS CLINICALLY DEAD.
[monitor flatlines]
AND HE'S DEAD, AGAIN.
[monitor beeping]
AND NOW, HE'S BACK.
- DO YOU THINK HE CAN MAKE IT TO
A FOREST OPENING AT 9:00 A.M.?
- YES, OF COURSE, THAT IS,
IF THE FOREST OPENING
IS IN HELL.
[phone rings]
WOODY, I'VE GOT
SOME REALLY BAD NEWS.
- SECOND WIND!
- UH, I'M GAY.
- COME ON, STEVEN,
THE NIGHT IS YO--
[retches]
[grunts]
HOLD ON.
[coughs] SOME OF THESE PILLS
ARE STILL INTACT.
ALLONS-Y, MON FRERE.
[screams]
- ALL RIGHT, WOODY.
LET'S GET A LOOK
AT YOUR BRAND-NEW FACE.
AND, VOILA!
- HOLY CHRIST, MALLOY!
YOU WERE RIGHT!
I AM A GODDAMN ADONIS!
[zipper zips]
- OH, THANK GOD!
FLAMEY, THERE YOU ARE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?
- WHEN I DIED, I SAW A LIGHT,
AND IN THE LIGHT WAS
MY DEAD MOTHER, CALLING TO ME.
AND THE WORDS
SHE CALLED OUT WERE...
GO BUY SOME CRACK!
- FLAMEY, DO NOT
DO ALL THAT CRACK!
- IF YOU'RE THAT CONCERNED
ABOUT MY WELL-BEING,
MAYBE YOU SHOULD SMOKE HALF
OF THE CRACK FOR ME.
- OH, MY GOD, I LOVE CRACK!
- AND HE LOVES YOU BACK,
JUST AS I DO!
- REALLY?
WILL YOU SIGN MY RECORD NOW?
- I'LL GO YOU ONE BETTER!
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO BED
YOUR RANGER GIRL!
IT'S QUITE SIMPLE.
FIRST YOU--
- HEY!
YOU FAT, FURRY FOOK!
AND YOU TOO, BEAR!
- YOU STUCK ME WITH THE BAR TAB.
- YOU BURNED DOWN MY CLUB!
- YOUR CRAPPY INSURANCE
BARELY PAID YOUR DEDUCTIBLE.
- AND YOU MAULED MY KIDS!
- IN FAIRNESS,
THAT WASN'T FLAMEY.
IT WAS A REAL BEAR
HE SENT TO YOUR HOUSE.
- AH, OKAY.
- STEVEN, OUR BACKS ARE AGAINST
THE WALL.
BUT THEY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
BETTER THAN
TO CROSS THE TWO MUSKETEERS!
ALL FOR ONE--
- AND ONE FOR--FLAMEY?
UH-OH.
[all grunting]
[moaning]
- OH, YEAH.
OOH, OH, YEAH!
- OH!
STEVEN, OLD CHAP.
HEY, OLD FELLOW, WELL MET!
- FLAMEY?
ETHEL?
- I TOLD YOU I'D SHOW YOU
HOW TO BED ETHEL.
YOU DO IT LIKE THIS.
IN, OUT, IN, OUT...
IN, OUT, IN, OUT!
- YOU OKAY, STEVE?
- AM I OKAY?
AM I OKAY?
NO!
YOU JUST [bleep] FLAMEY THE BEAR
ON MY FLAMEY THE BEAR SHEETS!
- I DON'T GET WHY
YOU'RE SO UPSET, STEVE.
HE TOLD ME YOU GAVE HIM
THE GREEN LIGHT
SINCE YOU AND I
ARE JUST FRIENDS.
- HE SAID THAT?
EXCUSE ME, ETHEL.
I THINK IT'S HIGH TIME I HAD
A LITTLE TALK WITH MY IDOL.
FLAMEY, WE HAVE TO TALK.
- WE DO.
I BEHAVED HORRIBLY LAST NIGHT,
AND I DEEPLY, TRULY APOLOGIZE.
- OH. WELL, OKAY.
BUT, STILL--
- WE BOTH KNOW
I CAN'T UN-[bleep] ETHEL,
BUT IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,
I'D LIKE TO SIGN YOUR ALBUM!
- THAT WOULD MEAN A LOT.
- NOW, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,
WE HAVE AN EVENT
TO GET TO BY 9:00 A.M.
I BELIEVE THIS IS YOURS.
- MY FLAMEY THE BEAR
VIBRATING FIRE FIST?
THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
FOR PUNCHING OUT FIRES!
- IT'S ALSO GOOD FOR WRECKING
YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S VAGINA.
[sploosh]
- THE HAIRCUT LOOKS GREAT,
WOODY.
AND AFTER YOU'VE HAD SOME SUN,
YOU WILL BE A TEN.
- AL RIGHT,
YOU'RE SURE I HAVEN'T BEEN
IN THE SUN TOO LONG?
- RELAX, WOODY.
IT'S CALLED A BASE TAN.
- IT'S JUST THAT I CAN'T REALLY
FEEL MY SKIN ANYMORE.
- FINE!
I'LL PUT SOME SUNSCREEN ON YOU.
- [grunts]
MALLOY!
I CAN'T MOVE MY ARMS OR LEGS!
[sputtering]
AH, WHAT THE HELL, MALLOY?
AAH!
- LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT FISH!
THAT SUMBITCH IS HUGE!
[cameras clicking]
- FISH FRY, MY PLACE,
7:00, BRING A SIDE.
WE ARE GONNA NEED
A SHIT-LOAD OF TARTAR SAUCE.
- [laughs]
AND REMEMBER THE LOOK
ON THAT CHAP'S FACE
WHEN HE SAW THAT FLAMING URINE
COMING AT HIM?
- [laughs]
AND THEN WE SMOKED CRACK.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN GET
SOME MORE CRACK, BY THE WAY?
- [laughs]
YOU'RE A CORKER, MY BOY.
- NO, REALLY.
I'D LIKE TO BUY SOME MORE CRACK.
- [laughs]
OH, STEVEN.
PULL OVER AT THIS STOP N' GEAUX.
I'LL BUY US SOME BREAKFAST.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK,
OLD FRIEND.
- "I HAD FUN [bleep]
YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
"SUCK MY DICK.
FLAMEY THE BEAR"?
THAT'S IT!
ALL I'VE EVER DONE
IS LOVE YOU!
AND YOU'RE NOTHING BUT
A WASHED UP, DRUNKEN ASSHOLE!
YOU DON'T DESERVE
TO WEAR THIS SUIT.
I HATE YOU!
- I THINK I MAY
BE FEELING REGRET
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.
DOES REGRET FEEL LIKE NUMBNESS
IN YOUR LEFT ARM,
AND THEN A CRUSHING CHEST PAIN?
- NO, I THINK
THAT'S A HEART ATTACK.
- [grunts]
OH.
STEVEN, I'M DYING, AGAIN.
TAKE OFF MY BEAR HEAD,
SO THAT I MIGHT LOOK ON YOU
WITH MY OWN EYES.
[hiss]
I ACTUALLY DO REMEMBER
MEETING YOU AT THE WINN-DIXIE.
YOU WERE A STOCKY LAD
WITH A MISSPELLED FLAMEY SHIRT.
- YEAH, THAT WAS ME.
- I REMEMBER, STEVEN, BECAUSE--
COME CLOSER.
- YES?
TELL ME.
- I REMEMBER BECAUSE I BANGED
YOUR MOTHER
IN THE BACK
OF YOUR STATION WAGON.
HER FACE WAS JAMMED
INTO YOUR BOOSTER SEAT.
WHEN SHE CLIMAXED,
SHE INHALED
THREE GOLDFISH CRACKERS.
[death rattle]
[tires screeching]
[tires screeching]
- IN WE GO.
I THINK TWO FEET IS DEEP ENOUGH,
ALL THINGS CONSIDERED.
[phone rings]
- STEVE, HOW'S FLAMEY?
- HE'S DEAD...SET ON MAKING IT
A KILLER EVENT.
- IF HE IS NOT HERE
IN FIVE MINUTES,
YOU ARE FIRED!
DON'T MESS WITH ME, STEVE.
I'VE HAD A REALLY HARD DAY.
[tearing]
OW!
- WE'RE HERE LIVE
FOR THE GRAND REOPENING
OF THE GENERAL SPARKY ARSON
MEMORIAL FOREST.
WE'RE HERE WITH HEAD
PARK RANGER, WOODY JOHNSON.
- HELLO, LOCAL TELEVISION LAND!
- OH, MY GOD!
[screams]
- BOO!
OKAY, SANDY, I GET IT!
I'M A MONSTER!
A MONSTER!
- SO, THAT'S
YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND?
- GOOD MORNING, BRICKLEBERRY!
[stammers]
GOD DAMN IT!
all: EWW!
- GROSS.
- YUCK.
- OH, MY GOD!
- WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE WON
THAT ASS BLASTING COMPETITION,
DENZEL.
- I KNEW IT WAS REAL!
♪ BA BA-DA BUM-BUM
- ♪ BUM BUM
- HERE TO CUT
OUR CEREMONIAL RIBBON--
SO PUT THOSE CIGARETTES OUT,
PEOPLE--
THE ONE, THE ONLY,
FLAMEY THE BEAR!
[cheers and applause]
- MY NAME IS FLAMEY THE BEAR.
- YOU WON'T GET AWAY
FROM US AGAIN, BEAR MAN!
- UH-OH.
AND AS SOME OF YOU
MAY HAVE SEEN,
I CAN BE A HUGE ASSHOLE.
BUT, I ALSO GAVE HOPE TO A KID
WHO NEEDED A HERO,
NO MATTER HOW IMPERFECT
THAT HERO TURNED OUT TO BE.
AND THAT'S WHY, DEEP DOWN,
WE ALL STILL LOVE
FLAMEY THE BEAR.
- THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
LET'S KILL HIM!
- BOBBY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY BIBLE?
I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE,
AND I GOTTA TEACH SUNDAY SCHOOL.
- I'D GIVE IT BACK TO YOU,
BUT I CAN'T.
I ATE THAT SON OF A BITCH.
UNH!
HEY, THIS DEAD GUY TRIPPED ME!
I'M GONNA KICK HIS ASS.
- WHOO, PHEW-EE.
THIS DEAD FELLER SMELLS
LIKE ALCOHOL, BOBBY.
WE REALLY NEED TO BE CAREFUL
NOT TO--[screams]
- ALL RIGHT.
NOW, YOU DIE.
AAH!
OH, MY GOD!
FLAMEY!
ONLY YOU CAN SAVE US!
- WHAT WOULD FLAMEY DO?
WHAT WOULD FLAMEY DO?
I GOT IT!
♪
I LOVE CRACK!
- AAH!