Brickleberry (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 10 - Scared Straight - full transcript

Malloy's misbehaving leads Denzel to call on his old gang from Detroit - the Cool Friends Gang. The OGs come to the park to help Denzel scare Malloy straight, only to end up in jail because...

- GANDALF.
- ARAGORN!

- GANDALF!

- DENZEL,
THERE'S NO WAY

GANDALF'S DICK WAS BIGGER
THAN ARAGORN'S.

- WHAT?
NOT ONLY WAS IT BIGGER,

HE COULD SHOOT FIREBALLS
OFF THAT SHIT.

[imitates gunfire]
LOOK OUT!

THAT GUY'S BURNING DOWN
A VILLAGE WITH HIS DICK!

- I KNOW FOR A FACT
THAT VIGGO MORTENSEN'S HUNG

LIKE AN ELVEN HORSE.

- WHAT, YOU SEEN IT?



- NOT IN PERSON.
IT WAS IN A DREAM.

- OOH, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT'S ONLY
THREE DAYS UNTIL J.R.R. TOL-CON?

- I CAN'T WAIT
TO GO WITH YOU, DENZEL!

♪ OH

- ♪ OH

both: ♪ LORD OF THE RINGS
IS OUR FAVORITE THING ♪

♪ LORDS AND ORCS
AND MAGICAL KINGS ♪

♪ LOOK AT THAT HUMAN AND ELF
HAVE A FLING ♪

♪ GOLLUM IS TRYING TO STEAL
FRODO'S BLING ♪

- SHUT UP, SHUT UP,
SHUT UP!

UH, WHAT THE HELL
ARE Y'ALL TALKING ABOUT?

- LORD OF THE RINGS CONVENTION.

YOU KNOW, WIZARDS
AND DRAGONS AND STUFF.

- OH, BEFORE Y'ALL
ARRESTED ME,



I WAS ON MY WAY TO A CONVENTION
FILLED WITH WIZARDS AND DRAGONS.

- FOR REAL?
Y'ALL DRESS UP AND STUFF?

- OH, HELL YEAH,
WE DO.

- STILL BETTER
THAN COMIC-CON.

♪

- AAH!

- ♪ BRICKLEBERRY

- [grunting]

- WHAT'S THE MATTER, CONNIE?
- [grunts]

MALLOY REPLACED MY TOILED SEAT
WITH A BEAR TRAP.

- WHAT?
[laughs]

WHAT A PRANKSTER.

- MALLOY'S ALWAYS
BEEN KIND OF AN ASSHOLE,

BUT IS IT JUST ME, OR IS HE,
LIKE, WAY WORSE RECENTLY?

- WELL, IF HE IS,
I HAVEN'T NOTICED.

[chain saw revving]
- AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!

- AH, GOOD, ANOTHER DOONESBURY
I DON'T GET.

- WHY IS MALLOY ACTING OUT
ALL OF A SUDDEN?

- BECAUSE HE'S A WILD ANIMAL,
AND WOODY NEVER DISCIPLINES HIM.

HE JUST GIVES HIM SUGAR
AND WEAPONS.

- FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
DR. PHIL,

I'M A HARSH DISCIPLINARIAN.

WHY, LAST NIGHT,
MALLOY SAID A DIRTY WORD,

AND I WASHED HIS MOUTH OUT
WITH A BAR OF CHOCOLATE.

- STOP IT, PLEASE.
AAH!

- WOODY!
- FINE.

MALLOY, STOP TRYING
TO MURDER STEVE, OR ELSE!

- THIS WILL TEACH YOU
TO RUIN MY FUN.

- OKAY, OKAY, I'M SORRY.

- "WELL," HE SAID,
"I'M BACK."

THE END.
- GOD DAMN!

NOW THAT IS HOW YOU CLOSE OUT
AN EPIC FANTASY TRILOGY!

- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU NEVER
READ THESE BEFORE YOU MET ME.

- THE ONLY THING THAT GETS READ
IN DETROIT IS YOUR RIGHTS.

STEVE, I'M GLAD YOU OPENED MY
EYES TO THIS FANTASTICAL WORLD.

IT HELPS ME FORGET THAT I WORK
IN A BORING-ASS PARK

AND THAT MY BEST FRIEND
IS A NERD WITH A MICRO-PHALLUS.

- BEST FRIEND?
THANKS, PAL.

TOL-CON'S GONNA BE AWESOME!

- OOH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
HERE'S THE BEST PART.

- THERE'S A COSTUME CONTEST?

AND THE WINNER
GETS TO MEET V-V-V--

VIGGO MORTENSEN!
[grunts]

I'VE GOT THE PERFECT COSTUME!

THE MYTHICAL SHADOWFAX!

[whinnies]

- THE LORD OF ALL HORSES!

[deer grunting]
HEY, WAIT, WHAT THE HELL?

HEY! OH!
THIS AIN'T RIGHT!

STOP!
HELP!

- FROM NOW ON,
YOU GETTING IN THE BACK.

- WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
- MALLOY DID IT.

WHERE IS
YOUR LITTLE PRINCE CHARMING?

- DON'T ASK ME,
I'M GROUNDED.

- [groans] I SAW HIM GO THAT WAY
WITH A FLAMETHROWER.

- OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES AGAIN.

- WHERE DID HE GET
A FLAMETHROWER?

- WHAT?
IT WAS CHRISTMAS.

- MALLOY IS A TROUBLED YOUTH,
WOODY.

I SHOULD KNOW.
I USED TO BE ONE.

SEE, BACK WHEN I WAS A KID
IN DETROIT, I WAS IN A GANG.

WE CALLED OURSELVES
THE COOL FRIENDS GANG.

AND WHEN I SAY
WE WERE HARD-CORE,

I MEAN WE WERE HARD-CORE!

GET OUTTA THE SLEIGH, BITCH!

[all grunting, shouting]
- OH, OH, OH, OH!

- YEAH!
[gunshots]

- WHOA,
DENZEL WAS IN A GANG!

LET'S ALL TAKE A MOMENT TO SOAK
IN THAT STARTLING REVELATION.

- THIS IS SERIOUS, WOODY.

- AH,
YOU'RE ALL OVERREACTING.

MALLOY HASN'T GOTTEN
INTO ANY REAL TROUBLE YET.

[indistinct radio chatter]

- 3 COUNTS OF GRAND THEFT AUTO,
137 MOVING VIOLATIONS,

12 COUNTS
OF ATTEMPTED VEHICULAR HOMICIDE,

AND HE CALLED MY PARTNER
A [bleep] DIPSHIT.

- FIRST OF ALL,
I DON'T KNOW WHERE

HE COULD HAVE HEARD LANGUAGE
LIKE THAT.

SECOND, YOUR PARTNER LOOKS LIKE
A [bleep] DIPSHIT.

- IF THIS BEAR STEPS FOOT
IN OUR TOWN AGAIN,

WE'RE THROWING HIM IN PRISON.

- PRISON?
DON'T WORRY, OFFICERS.

I'LL MAKE SURE NOTHING LIKE THIS
EVER HAPPENS AGAIN.

[both screaming]

OH, GOD.
MAYBE HE IS OUT OF CONTROL.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

- I THINK IT'S TIME I MADE
A CALL TO MY BOYS IN DETROIT

TO SCARE THIS BEAR STRAIGHT.

RIGHT AFTER I PRACTICE GALLOPING
AS A MYTHICAL HORSE.

[deer grunting]
AW, MAN!

THERE COME MY BOYS.

THE BADDEST GANGSTAS IN DETROIT.
WHAT?

- GOOD AFTERNOON, DENZEL.

- THESE URKELS ARE GONNA
SCARE MALLOY STRAIGHT?

THEY'RE WEARING
GODDAMN PENNY LOAFERS!

- WOW.
YOU GUYS LOOK DIFFERENT.

Y'ALL STILL GANGBANGING,
RIGHT, MURDER BONE?

- OH, NO.

I TEACH JEWISH-AFRICAN-AMERICAN
STUDIES

AT THE COMMUNITY COLLEGE.

- AND I OWN
A KIA DEALERSHIP.

BUG EYES HERE DOES
THE MARKETING FOR ME.

- IBA BEEBE SETTUM UPPA
THEEBA BIG WAVY MEN

AND INFLATABABULL GOBARILLAS.

- YEAH, HE NEVER REALLY
RECOVERED FROM THAT DRIVE-BY.

[door opens]

- OH, GREAT.
NOW WE HAVE FOUR DENZELS?

- SO THIS IS
THE LITTLE PUNK BITCH

WHO THINKS HE'S A CRIMINAL.

- YEAH, WELL, YOU EYE TO EYE
WITH SOME REAL CRIMINALS, BITCH!

- I ASSUMED, BUT IT SOUNDS
RACIST WHEN I SAY IT.

- BACK IN THE DAY,
WE GOT IN SOME SERIOUS SHIT.

- CARJACKING, PUSHING DOPE,

BREEDING MIDGETS
AND FIGHTING THEM TO THE DEATH.

- OKAY, THAT LAST ONE
CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD.

- SHIT WAS FOR REAL, MALLOY.

WE HAD NO RULES
AND DIDN'T RESPECT THE LAW.

WE JUST RAN AROUND,
DOING WHATEVER WE WANTED,

WHENEVER WE WANTED.
- YEAHBADA!

- THAT SOUNDS AWESOME.
WHY'D YOU STOP?

- YEAH, WHY DID WE STOP?

- BECAUSE WE TURNED
OUR LIVES AROUND, FOOL!

BUT YOU MAY NOT BE
SO LUCKY.

- SO YOU GUYS
USED TO BE BADASSES.

NOW YOU'RE THE TARGET DEMO
FOR HGTV.

WHERE DO I SIGN UP?

- WE STILL KNOW HOW TO GET DOWN.
- YEAH.

JUST LAST WEEK,
I BOUGHT A BUMPER POOL TABLE!

- AND LAST FRIDAY, MY WIFE
LEFT FOR A CONFERENCE IN TULSA,

AND I GOT TO MASTURBATE!

- IBA COLLECT RECIPES
OFFBA PINTEREST.

- OH, HE'S RIGHT.
OUR LIVES SUCK.

- REMEMBER OLD OFFICER PULASKI
WITH THE GIMP LEG?

USED TO CHASE US LIKE THIS?

"HEY, LITTLE MOTHER[bleep]!
GET OVER HERE!"

[laughter]
"HEY! HEY!

GET OVER HERE,
LITTLE MOTHER[bleep]!"

[laughter]

THEN WE SHOT HIM
IN THE FACE.

FEELS GOOD TO LAUGH AGAIN.

- SEE?
THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

GUYS, I DON'T MEAN
TO PLAY DOCTOR,

BUT YOU'VE ALL GOT
A CASE OF THE "NO FUNSIES."

- THAT'S WHAT WE GET
FOR SHARING NEEDLES.

- MAN, THE BEAR'S RIGHT.
I'M BORED.

- MEBA TOOBA.

- I DRIVE A GODDAMN MINIVAN.

- WHAT DO YOU SAY WE HIT
THE TOWN AND HAVE SOME REAL FUN?

- YEAH!
- HELL, YEAH!

- HOLD ON, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE SCARING THE BEAR STRAIGHT,

NOT DECLARING THE BEAR'S GREAT!

- DON'T BE A PUNK, D.

WE ABOUT TO TEAR SHIT UP
OLD SCHOOL.

YOU IN OR OUT?
- UH, IN?

- SO, CUBSY WUBSY, DID MY
HOMEBOYS SCARE YOU STRAIGHT YET?

- SUCK IT, CRACKER!
- [grunts]

- YEAH!
- YEAH, TAKE IT!

- [grunting]

- DENZEL, HEY, THERE YOU ARE.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER
FOR YOU.

YOU DIDN'T SHOW
FOR SHADOWFAX PRACTICE.

EVERYTHING OKAY?

- WHOA, HOLD UP.

WHO THE [bleep]
IS THIS HONKEY DONKEY?

[laughter]
- I GET IT!

HE'S A HONKEY DONKEY.

- WE'RE SHADOWFAX,
THE LORD OF ALL HORSES.

TELL 'EM, DENZEL.

- DENZEL, YOU'RE FRIENDS
WITH THIS GUY?

- OH, DON'T PAY ATTENTION
TO STEVE, FELLAS.

HE'S JUST A LOCAL PEDOPHILE
WE KEEP AROUND

TO CLEAN OUT THE SHITTERS.

NOW LET'S GO!
LATER, LOCAL PEDOPHILE STEVE.

- [groans]
[all grunting]

[groans]

- YOU GUYS HAVE GOTTEN
PRETTY SOFT.

YOU SURE YOU STILL KNOW
HOW TO COMMIT CRIMES?

- OF COURSE WE DO.

I SAID, "I WANT A SMALL BUSINESS
LOAN," MOTHER[bleep]!

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN
THIS ZUMBA GROUPON'S EXPIRED,

MOTHER[bleep]?

- I SABIDA, "PUTTA MY CHILD
IN YOUR PRIBATA SCHOOBADA,

MOBODA FUBODA!"

- SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME
WHAT THE HELL HE JUST SAID.

- YO, YOUR KIDS ARE GONNA
LOVE IT HERE.

THEY GOT
AN EXCELLENT DRAMA DEPARTMENT--

- FREEZE, SCUMBAGS!

- I DON'T LIKE THIS AT ALL.

WAY TOO MANY BLACKS
IN HERE.

- TURN TO THE RIGHT.
EYES FORWARD.

- GOOD AFTERNOON, GENTLEMEN.
I'M WARDEN SMALLS.

- [stifles laugh]
- ELECTRIC CHAIR!

[electricity crackles]

ANYWAY, I RUN A FAIR AND
HONORABLE CHRISTIAN PRISON HERE.

RULE NUMBER ONE--
NO SARCASM.

- [sarcastically]
AW, THAT'S A GREAT RULE.

- WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE GOT US
A REBEL HERE.

TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE.

- OW!
WHY'D YOU HIT ME?

- BECAUSE AS THE BIBLE SAYS,

IT'S MUCH MORE PAINFUL

TO WATCH YOUR FRIEND SUFFER
FOR YOUR SINS.

- [sarcastically]
OH, YEAH, IT IS.

- THAT SOUNDS LIKE
MORE SARCASM, BOY.

- UNH!

- [sarcastically]
OH, NO, PLEASE, STOP.

- I'LL BREAK YOU
OF THAT SARCASM, SON,

IF I HAVE TO BREAK
EVERY BILLY CLUB

OVER YOUR FRIEND'S HEAD.

- OW! HEY!
AH, STOP! OH!

GOD DAMN!

[sarcastically]
UM, HEY, WARDEN,

THAT'S A REALLY NICE TIE.

TAKE THAT, MALLOY!

OW!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

I THOUGHT MY FRIEND
HAD TO SUFFER FOR MY SINS.

- I WAS BEING SARCASTIC,
IDIOT!

WELCOME
TO HAZELHURST PRISON.

I GUARANTEE YOU BOYS
GONNA STAY IN LINE,

OR MY NAME ISN'T
WARDEN TINY SMALLS.

- [stifles laugh]
- ELECTRIC CHAIR!

[electricity crackling]

- SCARE ME STRAIGHT, HUH?
GOOD PLAN, WOODY.

WHEN WE GET HOME, I'M GONNA
SPANK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!

- YOU'RE NOT GOING HOME,
MALLOY.

YOU'RE STAYING HERE
UNTIL YOU'VE LEARNED A LESSON.

- OH, YOU'RE GETTING
AN ANGRY SPANKING NOW!

GET ME OUT OF HERE, WOODY.

- WELL, I--NO!

NO, I MADE MY DECISION,
AND I'M STICKING TO IT!

GOOD-BYE, MALLOY!

BE STRONG, PAPA BEAR.
[sniffles]

DON'T LOOK BACK.

IT'S CALLED TOUGH LOVE.

[crying]

- OH, WHAT THE--

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?
LEAVE ME ALONE!

DAMN, I DON'T REMEMBER PRISON
BEING THIS SCARY

BACK IN THE DAY.
- OH, COME ON, DENZEL.

IT AIN'T THAT BAD.

- [screams]

- OHBA, SHIBBIT!

- MAN, WE'RE GONNA DIE IN HERE!
- CHILL OUT, D.

THERE'S FOUR OF US.

AS LONG AS WE STICK TOGETHER,
WE'LL BE FINE.

- THAT'S RIGHT, SUCKAS!

NOBODY'S GONNA MESS
WITH THE COOL FRIENDS GANG!

WHO WANTS TO STEP TO THIS, HUH?
NOBODY?

THAT'S WHAT I THOU--

- THEY CALL ME "MEAT HAMMER,"
BECAUSE I GOT A MEAT HAMMER.

AND I DON'T MEAN
A TENDERIZING UTENSIL.

- GOT IT.
- I MEAN A MEAT HAMMER.

- UH-HUH.
- IN MY PANTS.

- FOLLOWING YOU.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M JUST GONNA GO AHEAD
AND SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU.

I'M REFERRING TO MY DICK.
- I GOT IT!

[indistinct chatter]

- 'SUP, BITCH?
COMO SE LLAMA, ESE?

- OF COURSE I'D LIKE CHIPS
AND SALSA.

YOU GUYS GOT ANY QUESO?

- HEY, WATCH YOUR MOUTH, SON!

THIS IS PACO,
LEADER OF THE LATIN KINGS.

- THAT'S A WEIRD NAME
FOR A LANDSCAPING COMPANY.

- WHAT?
I'M GONNA KILL--

- KNOCK, KNOCK.
- OH, WHO'S THERE?

- AMISH HANK.
- UH, AMISH HANK WHO?

- I'MA SHANK YOU!

- [grunting]
HEY! HEY!

[thud]

- MM.

YEAH, IT'S BEEN REAL LONELY
IN HERE

SINCE MY LAST CELLMATE DIED.
- HOW'D HE DIE?

- THE DOC IN THE INFIRMARY SAID

HIS ANUS GOT TURNED
INSIDE OUT...SOMEHOW.

- YOU BOYS ARE FREE TO GO.

- YEAH,
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!

CAN'T NO PRISON CONTAIN
THE COOL FRIENDS GANG.

MOVE OUT MY WAY!
- NOT YOU, SON.

JUST YOUR FRIENDS.
- YEAH, MAN, SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I COULD ONLY CALL IN FAVORS
FOR THE THREE OF US.

- HEY, WHAT ABOUT
STICKING TOGETHER?

- THE ONLY THING YOU NEED
TO BE CONCERNED

ABOUT STICKING TOGETHER
IS YOUR BUTT CHEEKS.

- MM.

YOU GONNA BE DOING
A HARD 12 IN HERE.

AND I DON'T MEAN 12 YEARS
OF HARD TIME.

I MEAN 12--
- I KNOW!

- ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE,

THANK YOU FOR COMING
TO AUDITION.

AS YOU KNOW,
MY EX-BEST FRIEND DENZEL

IS ROTTING IN A PRISON
BECAUSE HE'S A CLASS-A JERK,

WHICH MEANS ONE OF YOU
IS GOING TO REPLACE HIM

AS MY PARTNER
IN THE TOL-CON COSTUME CONTEST.

- CONTEST?
CRAIGSLIST SAID "HORSE COSTUME."

I THOUGHT THIS WAS
A FURRY FREAK SEX PARTY!

- THIS IS NOT
A FURRY FREAK SEX PARTY.

[all muttering]

JORGE, WAIT!

WHAT I MEANT WAS, WE'RE GOING
TO A FURRY SEX PARTY.

- YES!
YOU HAVEN'T LIVED

TILL YOU'VE CONTRACTED HERPES
FROM A GIGANTIC SQUIRREL!

- [whistling]

♪

♪ GONNA VISIT MY CUBSY WUBS
IN THE BIG, SCARY PRISON ♪

♪ GONNA BRING HIM HOME 'CAUSE
HE HAS LEARNED HIS LESSON ♪

WHAT THE HELL?

- OKAY, SO LOOK, VATO,
TUCO OVER IN CELL 31?

HE SHOWS ME NO RESPECT.
HE'S GOTTA GO.

- YO, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

- WAIT, BUT I AM TUCO.

[both grunting]

[thud]

- CUBSY WUBS?

- WHAT'D YOU CALL
OUR LEADER, ESE?

YOU WANT FOR ME TO MAKE
THIS BITCH ASS DEAD?

- NO, THAT'S COOL, DOG.

I THINK I REMEMBER THIS FOOL
FROM BACK IN THE HOOD.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU,
MALLOY?

- NOTHING HAPPENED TO ME,
GRINGO.

THIS IS MY FAMILY NOW.

JULIO, IS THAT MY MOON PIE?

- I KNEW IT, MALLOY!

I KNEW TOUGH LOVE
WAS A BAD IDEA!

I NEVER SHOULD'VE LISTENED
TO THOSE ASSHOLE RANGERS.

DON'T YOU WORRY.

DADDY IS GONNA BUST YOU
OUTTA HERE.

- BUST ME OUT?
THIS IS MY HOME, HOMES.

I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE.

BRAH, I HEARD VATO KILLED JULIO
AND TUCO.

HE IS OUT OF CONTROL.
TAKE HIM OUT.

- [grunting, choking]

- OKAY, JORGE, THERE'S THE LINE
FOR THE COSTUME CONTEST.

- WHEN DOES
THE FURRY SEX COMMENCE?

MY SACK GROWS TIGHT
WITH ANTICIPATION!

- IN A MINUTE.
COME ON.

LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT.
- [grunting]

- SHORTEN YOUR GAIT.
- [grunting]

- COME ON.
- WHAT THE--WHAT THE [bleep]?

- DENZEL COULD DO IT.
WHAT'S SO HARD ABOUT THIS?

- BECAUSE MY EYES STING FROM
THE FUMES COMING FROM YOUR ANUS.

YOU SMELL LIKE
THE MIDDLE EAST!

- HEY, GREAT GOLLUM COSTUME.

- I HAVE PROGERIA.

- OKAY, WE'RE NEXT!

I THINK WE'VE STILL
GOT A SHOT AT WINNING.

- I'M SORRY,
YOU'RE DISQUALIFIED.

- WHAT? WHY?

- YEAH, YOU'RE DISQUALIFIED
BECAUSE YOU'RE MISSING

THE BACK HALF OF YOUR COSTUME.
- JORGE!

- YOU ARE THE BIGGEST,
SEXIEST FURRY IN HERE.

TELL ME, WHAT ARE YOU, A BEAR?
HUH?

A GORILLA?

- I'M PETER JACKSON.

- HERE, RELAX.
HAVE SOME TOILET WINE.

- NAH, NAH, I'M GOOD.

I HAD A BUNCH
OF SHITTER SAKE EARLIER.

- NOW, I DON'T WANT
TO JUST MAKE LOVE.

WE SHOULD GET
TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

- OOH, GOOD IDEA.

WE SHOULD HAVE LOTS
OF LONG CONVERSATIONS.

- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
- BLUE.

- OKAY, LET'S DO IT.
- WHAT? AAH!

HEY, HEY, THAT'S NOT GONNA FIT!
IT AIN'T GONNA FIT!

- NOT SO FAST!

YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX
WITH THIS MAN.

- OH, THANK YOU,
BABY JESUS!

- UNTIL AFTER YOU MARRY HIM.
- WAIT, COME AGAIN?

- I RUN
A GOOD CHRISTIAN PRISON HERE,

AND I DON'T ALLOW
ANY INTERCOURSE UNDER MY ROOF

UNLESS YOU SHARE A UNION
IN THE EYES OF GOD.

CALL THE CATERER, BOYS.

WE'RE HAVING US
A GAY PRISON WEDDING!

- OH, BOY!
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!

- W-WAIT, WHAT'S THE RUSH?
- I'M A ROMANTIC.

AND I GOT AIDS.

- ALL RIGHT,
BRICKLEBERRY'S FINEST.

DENZEL'S ABOUT TO BECOME
A HUMAN CONDOM,

AND MY POOR LITTLE BABY
HAS BEEN BRAINWASHED

BY A GANG OF LANDSCAPERS.

AND WE ARE GONNA
BUST 'EM BOTH OUT.

- BUST THEM OUT?

THAT PRISON'S HARDER TO GET INTO
THAN A SHEEP'S PANTIES.

- TRUE, HAZELHURST PENITENTIARY
IS NOTORIOUS FOR TWO THINGS--

ONE, ITS AIRTIGHT SECURITY,
AND TWO,

ITS FONDNESS FOR FORCED
HOMOSEXUAL WEDDINGS.

WE'RE GONNA POSE AS A WEDDING
EVENTS CREW, SLIP IN,

AND BE GONE WITH OUR FRIENDS

BEFORE THE RICE PILAF
IS EVEN COLD.

- OH, MY GOD, I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO PLAN A WEDDING!

- EASY THERE, BRIDEZILLA.
YOU'RE ON CAKE AND FLOWERS.

CONNIE,
YOU'RE THE PHOTOGRAPHER.

- CAN I GRAB
A COUPLE TITTY PICS OF ETHEL?

- FIRECRACKER JIM,
YOU'RE ON DEMOLITION.

WHEN YOU HEAR,
"DUN, DUH, DUN, DUN, DUN,"

BLOW US AN ESCAPE ROUTE!

- HELL, YEAH!

BLOWING SHIT UP WAS MY MAJOR
IN COLLEGE!

- I DIDN'T KNOW BRICKLEBERRY
HAD A COLLEGE.

- THAT'S 'CAUSE I BLEW IT UP!

- THEM PRISON GUARDS ARE GONNA
BE PACKING A LOT OF HEAT,

BUT SO WILL WE.

WHEN THEY START FIRING AT US,
POOM!

- HEY, LOOK AT ME!
I'M LIKE A STRIPPER WITH GUNS!

- JUST LIKE GRANNY POSSUMCODS.

SHE USED TO HOLD US AT GUNPOINT
AND GIVE US LAP DANCES.

I LOVE CHRISTMAS.

- ALL RIGHT, TEAM,
LET'S DO THIS.

[all cheering]

- HOLA, NEGRO.

ME AND MY BOYS JUST WANTED
TO COME DOWN

AND GIVE YOU
A LITTLE WEDDING PRESENT.

- SWEET, A SHANK.
- NO, IT'S A TOOTHBRUSH.

I FIGURED YOU SHOULD
HAVE FRESH BREATH

WHILE MEAT HAMMER
TURNS YOUR ASSHOLE INSIDE OUT.

- OH, NO!

HOW ARE WE GONNA
GET PAST THE GUARDS?

- NOW EVERYBODY
JUST STAY COOL.

I GOT A WHOLE BACKSTORY
WORKED OUT.

[Australian accent]
GOOD DAY, MATE.

NAME'S RICK SWORDFIRE.

I'M A BISEXUAL PISCES
WHO LOVES ANALINGUS.

- HOW DO YOU SPELL
YOUR LAST NAME?

- UH, UH, UH,
UH...

ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO!

- [crying]

- HEY, BUDDY, YOU OKAY?
- NO, NOT REALLY.

I GOT SCREWED OVER
BY MY BEST FRIEND.

NOW I'LL PROBABLY NEVER GET
TO MEET MY HERO.

- COME ON, MAN.
SURE YOU WILL.

- VIGGO MORTENS--
[grunts]

- LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE MAD
AT YOUR BEST FRIEND.

- YOU'RE RIGHT, VIGGO.

AND NOW
HE'S IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.

HE'S BEING FORCED TO MARRY
THIS GUY IN PRISON.

- WHAT?
YOU NEED TO HELP YOUR FRIEND.

THINK LIKE A HOBBIT, MAN.

YOU THINK THAT, UH, "FREDO"
WOULD ALLOW "GANDAR" TO--

HE'D USE THE INVISIBILITY,
UH, NECKLACE, UH--

ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY.

I NEVER SAW
THOSE GODDAMN MOVIES.

♪

- [snaps]

♪

- WHEN THAT GUY'S DONE
WITH DENZEL'S RECTUM,

PEOPLE WILL PAY
TO SEE EVEL KNIEVEL JUMP IT.

♪

OKAY, FIRECRACKER JIM,
BLOW IT!

- [coughs]

- THOSE INBRED HILLBILLIES
[bleep] UP THEIR CUE!

- YEAH, SORRY 'BOUT THAT.

- WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

- WELL, YEAH, WE KINDA GOT
ARRESTED ON THE WAY OVER HERE.

TURNS OUT SMOKING METH WHILE
DRIVING IS A PAROLE VIOLATION.

- GOD DAMN IT.
WELL, AT LEAST WE'VE STILL GOT

A GIANT WEDDING CAKE
FILLED WITH GUNS.

- YEAH, ABOUT THAT,

THERE WAS JUST NO WAY
TO GET THE GUNS INSIDE

WITHOUT MESSING UP THE LAVENDER
BUTTERCREAM FROSTING.

SORRY.

- ETHEL, ARE YOU TELLING ME

THAT RATHER THAN SPRINGING
MALLOY AND DENZEL,

WE'RE ACTUALLY HERE
TO CATER A GODDAMN WEDDING?

- NO,
A BEAUTIFUL GODDAMN WEDDING!

- [clears throat]

DEARLY INCARCERATED,
WE ARE GATHERED TO WITNESS

THE UNION BETWEEN MEAT HAMMER
AND DENZEL,

WHICH SHALL LAST FOREVER,

FOR WHILE GAY MARRIAGE
MAY BE LEGAL IN OUR FINE STATE,

GAY DIVORCE IS NOT.

MEAT HAMMER,
DO YOU TAKE DENZEL

TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED
GAY PRISON PARTNER?

- YOU BET I DO.

- AND, DENZEL,
DO YOU TAKE MEAT HAMMER?

- SAY IT.
YOU BETTER SAY IT.

- I, UH--I D--

[horse whinnies,
galloping]

- [whinnies]

- HOLY SHIT!
IS THAT VIGGO MORTENSEN?

MAN, HIS CAREER
IS IN THE SHITTER!

- I, LORD OF THE RINGS,
COMMAND YOU--STOP THIS WEDDING!

[grunting]

- STEVE, YOU SAVED ME!

- THAT'S WHAT BEST FRIENDS
ARE FOR!

- LOOK, STEVE, I'M SORRY FOR--
- ALREADY FORGIVEN.

NOW LET'S GET YOU OUT OF HERE
THE QUICKEST WAY POSSIBLE--

AS TWO GROWN MEN
IN A HORSE SUIT.

- SOUNDS GOOD.
I'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.

- WAIT A MINUTE!

THIS IS NOT
A FURRY FOOK FEST EITHER!

- LET'S RIDE, STEVE!

- GIDDYUP, PARTNER!

- NO, NO, LEAVE ME!
I LOVE IT HERE!

- SHADOWFAX, AWAY!

- [whinnies]

- NOW IF SOMEBODY
COULD ONLY EXPLAIN TO ME

WHAT THE [bleep]
JUST HAPPENED?

- AAH!