Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Case of the Lonely White Dove - full transcript

subs, timings by hui666

- Do you love books?
- Oh my God!

Sorry.

Are you... Dmitry?

- That's not the code.
- Sorry.

- I love books and books love me.
- Better.

- I'm Dmitry.
- Jonathan Ames.

- I know.

Thank you for suggesting that i bring Gogol's "The Nose".

In addition to being a private detective I'm also
doing some writing on the side.

- I always loved novels.
- Me too.



Turgenev, Dostoevsky, Gogol,
these were my soulmates in prison.

- They kept me alive for three years.
- Prison?

You... Why were you in prison?

It's not important. Let's sit and talk.

I need you to find a woman.

That's my specialty.
I found several.

Good. She is the great love of my life.
She is all I thought about in prison.

How long were you with her?

One night.

Just one night?

Oh, one night, if the love is perfect,
is all you need.

Also, I was arrested the next day.

We met in Brighton Beach.
Very romantic.

- Have you ever been there?
- No.



My girlfriend Suzanne always wanted
to go to those nightclubs out there,

We never did, and
then she broke up with me.

Oh, well of course, because you
don't take here where she wants to go

So, what did you offer her to stay?
Diamonds, gold, car with sunroof?

No, I just... um...

- begged... And I...
- Cried?

A little.

Good. It's natural.
But also

if you want to keep a woman
you have to be strong.

Women need us to be
commanding and decisive.

- But do they? I don't know, maybe they do...
- They do.

So, my woman...
I don't know her real name.

Only her stage name.
Irina, The Lonely White Dove.

She was singer at cafe "Tatiana".
I want you to go there.

I'm happy to go to this club for you, but...

why don't you just go there
to save you my fee?

My parole officer won't let me out at night.
That's why I found you on Craigslist.

Also, I got apartment, exercise bicycle,
and you, my own private detective.

I'm your man then.
I'll go to Tatiana.

Spasibo!
Please, find my woman.

Do you think I lost Suzanne
because I didn't take her to places?

Or you think I lost her
because I was indecisive?

Probably both. But I can't think
about your failed relationship right now.

I have to tell you,
I'm in a bad way, Jonathan.

- Why, what's going on?
- The magazine's numbers are way down.

Newsstands, subscriptions, advertising,
it's very bleak.

- And it's all my fault.
- It's not your fault.

- All magazines are dying.
- Yes, yes. But a few will survive.

It's Darwinian, see? We need to adapt,
I... I need to adapt.

Our biggest problem is our female demographic.

- We've lost over 37% of our women readers.
- That is a lot of women.

- I know.
- So, what's the plan, hire more women writers?

That's a good idea actually.

That'd be the second step.
First step though is to change me.

- See, if I'm right, the magazine will be right.
- But how are you gonna change?

You told me once that after the age of 55
it's impossible to change.

That's why my therapist is suggesting something radical.

- He wants me to experiment with bisexuality.
- What?

- Mister Christopher, I need to clean in here.
- Yes, of course, yes, of course.

Um... Sorry. Uh...

He says it'll help me appeal to women readers,
you know, put me in touch with my feminine side.

- Your therapist sounds crazy.
- I know, I know, but...

most therapists are.
That's what gives them insight.

- This is insane.
- Well, what can I say, Jonathan,

I am desperate to help the magazine.

- I'm willing to try anything.
- But if you experiment with bisexuality,

you'll just be more gay,
not necessarily more feminine.

That's fine!
I mean, who designs women's clothing?

Gay men.
Who do women find attractive?

Gay men.

Who writes women's TV shows?
Gay men.

I really think it's my only choice.

- But have you ever experimented before?
- No. But I do have an open mind about the whole thing.

You know, Laurence Olivier and Danny Kaye
were lovers.

- Really?
- Um-hmm.

Yeah, ????? ????? my favorite actors of all time.
I mean they were like two sides of this strange coin.

Hamlet and the court jester.
The Dark Prince and the Technicolor Clown.

- I mean, it's amazing.
- It's hard to imagine them as lovers.

It's hard to put this in such old-fashioned terms, but
who do you think played the woman in their relationship?

Danny Kaye.
I mean, he could do a lot of accents.

That way Olivier could have
a different woman every night.

I'll have a white wine.

I was wondering if you could help me.

I'm looking for a singer Irina,
The Lonely White Dove?

I dont know if you gentelmen heard my question,
but, er, I'm looking for Irina, The Lonely White Dove.

- You're a tourist?
- No. No, not exactly, I... live in Brooklyn.

Then come, sit down.
Have a good Russian meal.

Vodka, caviar, blini, syomga.

Excuse me,
who is that beautiful singer?

Oh, that is Bascha(?)
You have no chance, she's not interested in penis.

- She's a Sapho.
- Oh, I'm not... I didn't mean it...

D'you know... is there a singer here
named Irina, The Lonely White Dove?

Her old boyfriend's looking for her.

We don't have The Lonely Dove, we have
The Lonely Sparrow, she sings tomorrow.

Great, thank you!

Oh... thank you.

Na zdoroviya!

Is vodka really made from potatoes?

Uuuh... I'm really hangover from that vodka.

Well, you gotta write something.
I do my best work hungover.

I've less brain cells to confuse the issue.

Did this yesterday morning
right after I barfed all over the place.

- You're not that big.
- In my mind, I am. Huge, but underused.

What are you drawing this for?

It's a story about being a sperm donor to Lisa and Michelle,
and how Leah won't sleep with me.

This editor at Esquire is really into it, so...

Really great work.
It... uhh... sorry, I feel so sick.

Let's go get a drink right now.

Oh, quit kidding around, I gotta drink more tonight,
going back to that club.

I'm supposed to find out if
The Lonely Sparrow is Irina.

Actually i'd a really fun time there last night.

Can't believe I never took Suzanne
to Brighton Beach.

Why don't you take Suzanne tonight?

You know, you guys have ??? breakup sex rights
for the couple of months?

You do.

Maybe you're right.

Well, if you do call her, maybe Leah
and I can go with you tonight,

we're supposed to work on our intimacy issues.

But if the four of us go, that's not very intimate.

Yeah, but if you go, we won't fight,
and that's really good for intimacy.

Mi vida loca.

Hello?

- Suzanne, it's Jonathan.
- I know. What's going on?

First of all, I just wanna say I'm really sorry about what
happened the last time I saw you with your Al-Anon friend.

- Let's not talk about it.
- Well, I wanna make it up to you.

You know how we never went to Brighton beach
because I thought it was too long of a subway ride?

Well, you and I are going out there tonight.

That's right, um, I... I found this great place,
late dinner, drinks, dancing...

- You know I dont' wanna see you drinking.
- I was talking about water.

We'll drink water after we dance, to rehydrate.

- What is this about?
- Nothing. I'm just feeling really... decisive.

You know, I want you to have the
Brighton Beach night I never gave you.

I don't think we should be going on a date, Jonathan.

- It's not a date, it's platonic.
- Dancing is platonic?

Yes, dancing is platonic. We'll stay 3 feet
from each other the whole night, I promise.

And... and it's going to be lots of people there,
Ray and Leah, ????..., lots of people.

Well... I guess I did always want to go.

We don't even have to sit next to each other, I'll sit across
the room the whole night sending you platonic love notes.

What's a platonic love note?

I just thought it was gonna be you and me.

Well, Jonathan knew where this place was, and
it just seemed to me easier if we all came together.

Plus, he's split the car service with me, so...

Well, if it meant being alone,
I could've paid for the car.

Well, tonight is on me...
and Jonathan. Oh, good.

A little bit of... potato sauce.

- What're you doing?
- I'm zapping it, like Ice-Man...

From the X-Men series.
Remember when I drew them for Marvel?

- Ray, can we please not talk about comics for one night?
- Ok. To the prettiest girl in Brighton Beach.

That's better.

- Hi Leah, hey Ray.
- He-ey, want some vodka?

Okay.
I thought there will be more people here.

I thought there'll be less.

Well, we don't know these people yet, but you'll see,
pretty soon this place is gonna be like a big Russian wedding.

By the end we're all gonna know
each other pretty well.

Well, un-limited vodka here, this
is where the value is.

To the drug czar.

- Cheers.
- Cin-cin.

I thought you said you weren't drinking tonight.

Oh... oh... well, it was just... er... celebratory
toast, you know, er... ???? Moscow!

Er... I'll switch to water now.
So... To water!

To water!

Oh, this is good.

- Let's all dance!
- That's a good idea.

- No, my toes are all fused. My toes are all fused.
- Come on, don't be a baby.

It's been a while since we danced together.

I know I said we would only dance 3 feet apart, but...
is 2 feet okay?

Yeah, I think it's... 2 feet's okay.

- This is fun!
- Yeah. It really is.

You can come closer if you want.

Really?

Everyone, please, sit down!
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage...

Nadia, The Lonely Sparrow!

I think that's the woman I'm looking for.
She is beautiful.

What are you guys talking about?
Do you know her?

No. No, not at all... Not yet, but...
It's c-c... it's complicated.

Aw, shit... It's George, I'm sorry,
I have to take this.

But... you're having fun here, right?
I mean, we're in Brighton Beach...

I'm sorry...

Hello, George?

Uh... wait, hold on, it's loud here.

- Sorry, George, what's up?
- What if I do this, and I don't come back?

- What do you mean?
- Th... That I'd turn completely gay.

- Well... Then it was meant to be.
- You know what? You're absolutely right.

I have to remember that it helped Jon Wiener's(?) carrier.

I mean, all of his magazines thrived after he
became homosexual. Really boosted sales.

Thank you! Okay, um, so...
D'you know how I could find a male escort?

- No, I don't know!
- ... the reception's bad here. What...

- I don't know how to find a male escort.
- Well, you should know these things.

No, I shouldn't!
Look, just google "male escort new york city".

Wait, I can't hear you. The reception is terrible, is it me or you?

Just google "male escort new york city".
Actually, google "gay male escort new york city"...

George, I gotta go.
I'm in a Russian night club.

A Russian night club?
Oh, hey, I wanna go!

Sorry about that, um...
friend... just never mind, um...

You guys work here, right? Can you tell me, did Nadia The
Lonely Sparrow used to be Irena, The Lonely White Dove?

Why you wanna know so much?
Last night you told waitress

a boyfriend is looking for The Lonely Dove.

Who's the boyfriend, hm?
Who do you work for?

Nobody!
Look, let's just forget it, okay?

I... I've forgotten it, um... so I'm just gonna go back inside...

- Oh, you are a fool.
- Hey, hey, ow, don't touch me!

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Look, my friends are inside,
okay, I've already paid for to meals, 38 dollars...

- Don't ever come in here again.
- What? What about my friends?

- Fuck friends!
- Hey, come on, get your hands up!

If we see you here again,
we will break you!

Shit!
Shit!

You... You work for Dmitry?
He's... He's my friend. She wants you to call her.

The girl! The singer, Irina!
Call her tomorrow, uhuh?

- Who are you?
- I cannot talk to you, it's not safe for me.

Wait, can you help me get back in there?
My girlfriend's in there!

Ray?

I say in the ad that I'm an unlicensed private detective.
Which makes it more legal. Sort of.

Anyway, the guy that I'm working for is an ex-con.

But he's a real romantic, and I'm trying to help him.

Are you guys listening to me?

I'm listening.

Thank you, Ray.

Jonathan, you gotta understand this from my perspective.

I thought that tonight was gonna be
the Brighton Beach night that we never had.

Remember, that's what you told me?
I stupidly believed you.

Instead you drink vodka and you leave me alone,

while you chase after some Russian singer
because you're investigating a case.

But I was doing it in the name of love!
Somebody else's love!

But you weren't doing this for anybody else but you.
You're selfish. You live in a selfish fantasy world.

- Suzanne, please...
- Please, just do me one favor and don't talk to me.

Next subway, please, sir.

At least it wasn't me this time, right, baby?

Hey Leah, for what it's worth, I'm on your side.

- Irena?
- Yes. And you are the private cop?

Yes. Or detective, or investigator,
they all work.

Thank you for coming.
I don't like the phone.

It's okay.
It's beautiful here.

So. Let me make sure I got things straight.
You used to sing as The Lonely White Dove, is that right?

- Yes.
- Then why did you switch to The Lonely Sparrow?

I like birds.
Every year I'm a new bird.

- I'm always a lonely bird.
- Maybe you won't have to be lonely anymore.

- Dmitry hired me to find you.
- Why?

Because he's in love with you.

- He's still in prison?
- No.

He's out, and he wants to see you.
Do you wanna see him?

Yes.
I want to see him very much.

Thank you very much, my little detective.

My... my therapist suggested I try this.

- Medical advice.
- You're coming out of the closet?

Well, no. No, no, not exactly.

Um... now, see, I'm trying to... I'm trying get in
touch with the feminine side of my nature.

You see, I'm... Well, I run a magazine, and
we've lost nearly half of our women readers, and I...

I've gotta reach them somehow.

- And you think that this will help you.
- Maybe.

You know, I'm just... You know, I wanna
open my mind.

If you wanna open your mind...
Don't think in terms of male and female.

I mean, it's binary, it's boring.
How about "no definition"?

Have you read Klaus Kinski's memoir?

- I... I haven't. You're talking about Werner Herzog's muse?
- Yeah.

Kinski. Could fuck, or get fucked, it didn't matter,
he did what he wanted to, he defined himself.

He was all sexes.

Beyond definition.

You want your magazine to do better?
Try to be like Klaus Kinski.

Have you read a Woody Allen story,
The Whores of Mensa?

I haven't. But, I love Woody's
prose more than his movies.

So. You wanna give this a try?
I mean, I think that you are a good looking guy.

Kind of like a buff Samuel Beckett.

So, I'm escorting Dmitry to Tatiana's tonight.

And he says he needs me to be his backup,
especially since he's breaking parole.

- What, he said "backup"?
- Yeah.

- That sounds dangerous.
- Well, he explained.

It's more of a Russian wingman position,
and I'm an excellent wingman.

I don't know, I don't think you should have
ever gotten involved with this guy.

You know, Leah's still mad that I took her to that
night club last night, it really ruined our

- first date in three months.
- I know. I am sorry, Ray,

- but she shouldn't be mad at you, it's my fault.
- Yeah, it is your fault.

And now, to make up for last night's
disaster I'm doing timed massages.

It's an intimacy exercise.
She's out bringing an egg timer right now.

- An egg timer?

- Yeah, are you really wanna be this guy's backup, Russian wingman?
- Yes.

I gave him my word. He thinks I'm a brave detective.
And he's already paid me, 200 dollars, so...

Ok, well, in that case I have something for you.

These are my uncle's.
They mean a lot to me.

He died of cirrhosis of the liver.
These were also his.

Try a gulp, don't lose those.

Ray, I'm excited.
I got a really good egg timer.

I love the boardwalk, it reminds me of The Black Sea.
Only I wish the girls were topless like in Russia.

In America people are shy and disturbed, I don't
know, why be scared of the naked breast, huh?

- Never been to a topless beach.
- Oh, I hope you'd go.

Hey, listen, I was thinking about you yesterday.
You should take this girl that you loved...

and bring her here, to Brighton Beach, and maybe
you could get back together and get married.

Well, you must be psychic or something,
because... last night I tried that,

And... well, I screwed the whole thing up.

- Oh. I'm sorry.
- That's all right.

It's like my heart's broken again, but
it's not as bad since I'm used to it.

Irina!
You found her!

Irina!
Krasavitsa!

My brother is in prison because of you!
Bastard!

???? ????
This doesn't involve you.

Right here!

- Oh shit, oh shit!
- What are you doing?

Extra hiding! We're gonna die!

You're not gonna die, you are fine,
you did good!

You saved me, I'm grateful to you.

- I did okay?
- Yeah, you're a real man.

You showed me tonight... very brave.

You hit the boss
right in the nose.

- Ha-ha, it was beautiful!
- I wasn't actually aiming for him...

- What?
- Nothing.

I... nothing, I was just... I...
I'm just glad we took those jerks out.

So wait, what happened with you and Irina's brother?
Why did she turn against you?

We were doing a deal, and when
the cops got me, they got him.

- And he's still in prison?
- Yeah.

I didn't think she would hold it against me
after our night of great tenderness.

But now my love for her is buried.

But I will go on like you did.
With a broken heart.

What do we do now?

They go this way,
we go this way.

Good bye, my new friend!
I don't know if I'll ever see you again.

But I hope your heart is broken many times,
because it means you would have loved many times.

Hi, George, listen, I know it's late,
I'm sorry I bother you, but...

I've had the most incredible, insane night.
Er, would you wanna meet for a drink?

Now's actually not a great time for me,
I have company.

- Do you remember what you told me to google?
- Holy shit!

- How... How is it going?
- Well, I'm no Danny Kaye, if you know what I mean.

I love Danny Kaye, especially
"The Inspector General".

- Really?
- Yeah.

I have "The Inspector General",
we could watch it if you'd like.

- I have all of Danny Kaye's films.
- I would love that.

Hey, Jonathan, we're gonna watch "The Inspector General",

you could come over if you'd like.
- He's a really nice guy.

I hope Jonathan does not lose those brass knuckles.

Could you please not talk about Jonathan,
this is an intimacy excercise about us.

I'm sure he's fine.