Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Case of the Beautiful Blackmailer - full transcript

.:: La Fabrique ::.

L'?quipe ? Roger

Synchro: mpm

- Mr. Eaton?
- Mr. Ames?

Sorry I'm late.
There was traffic.

It's great to be here.
I grew up in new jersey.

Do you know who that is?

That's my colleague.

He does all the driving.

Anyways,

why don't you tell me
what the exact problem is?



I appreciate you wanting
to be discreet on the phone.

I'm being blackmailed.

Why?
What happened?

Well, I've been married 11 years.

I have two little boys.
They're lovely. And my wife and I...

When I was a kid
my parents had separate bedrooms.

I don't think I ever
even saw them kiss.

- That happens a lot.
- Yeah, well, it happened to me.

So I went on Craigslist.

I figured it'd be all right
if I had an affair with a married woman.

Oh, my god,
this woman's body is beautiful.

Did you really meet her?

Sorry.

Go on.



Yeah, we met at a motel,

one of those
that charges by the hour.

Her name was Sophia and she was...

I mean, she is beautiful.

I actually thought that she liked me,
which is pathetic.

Don't beat yourself up.
You were vulnerable.

I don't know how, but she filmed us.

She sent me a copy
and she asked for $1000

or she would show it to my wife.

- You paid?
- I maxed out a credit card

and I thought
the whole thing was over.

But then she called again.
She wants $500 a month.

That is a lot.

I don't have that,
especially not in this economy.

You know, I've got two kids.

Your ad said
that your rates were reasonable.

All the other detectives
were way out of my league.

I charge $100 a day, but I'm good.

I'm one of the...

Well, I'm good.

I can afford that.

I just need you to get
that tape back for me.

The weird thing is
I feel closer to my wife than ever.

I can't lose her now.

I understand.

Will you get me a hamburger to go?
I'm starving.

- Cheese?
- No cheese.

All right, no cheese.

I'll get your tape for you.
I promise.

Excuse me,

can I get a cheeseburger,
no cheese, to go?

- Hello, ladies.
- Good morning.

So just wait here
under these ballerinas, okay?

Okay, I like ballet.

Hey, Jonathan, dear boy, come in.

Got your email. I came by to pick up
the galleys for the new Paul Auster.

Oh, shit.

- What's the matter?
- There's a party tonight

for Gay Talese
at the national arts club.

Another award.
I think he's a great writer,

but how many of these things
can I go to in life?

I don't know.

You go to one
almost every night of the week.

I know, and it's always
the same boring people,

going on 35 years.

Though some die and some press on.

I fall into the press-on category.

Pressing on is good.
Pressing on is heroic.

Maybe.

The first 25 years or so
it all seemed very meaningful.

The past 10 years

I feel like I'm on autopilot.

I may not even be talking right now.

This could be a tape recording.

Your Auster.

Great. I love Paul Auster.
I'll write you a good review.

Yeah, whatever,
but more importantly,

I want you to come with me
tonight to the party.

You can get quotes
for the society page or something.

See, I don't want to go
to the party by myself.

Tonight?
I'm really sorry but I can't.

You never say no.
Don't you need money for the piece?

I do but...

Since when do you play it
so close to the vest?

I don't like secrets.

I'm the only one who gets
to have secrets. Sit down.

- I have another job.
- You're not writing for Antrem at GQ?

I would never do that to you.
Do you really want to know the truth?

Yes, I do,

as long as it's not boring.

I have a second job
as a private detective.

I haven'ttold you because I thought
you would think it was strange.

If you're going to lie
you need to make it believable.

Throw in an element of truth.
That's what I do.

But I'm not lying.
I have an ad on Craigslist

advertising myself as an
unlicensed private detective.

And tonight in New Jersey
I'm meeting this woman... A blackmailer.

I still don't believe you.
What kind of blackmailer?

She targets married men.

We've been emailing and texting
for the last 24 hours.

I posed as married to lure her in.
And tonight...

And tonight I have to get
my client's sex tape back.

- I want to come with you.
- On my case?

Gay Talese would want me
to do something like this.

To hell with a boring dinner party.
Now don't you see, Jonathan?

This is the kind of journalism
that we need in the magazine.

We'll be writers who fight crime,

give it a big cover story...

You know,
"Blackmailer's brought... "

"Sextortionist brought down

"by George Christopher
and Jonathan Ames."

Or your name would
go first if you want. I'm just...

thinking out loud here.

What do you say?

Ray, this is George... My boss.
He's coming with us.

Nice to meet you.
Heard a lot about you.

Thank you for letting me come on
this adventure with you.

I'm just the driver.
My girlfriend lent us the car.

- A nice car?
- A Subaru, automatic.

What's a Subaru?

Now what's the exact plan?
How are we doing this?

I'm gonna meet the woman at this motel
outside the Lincoln tunnel.

She's supposed to get a room and
call me. But I'm gonna stand her up.

Except we'll be there
and we'll follow her home.

Then what?

- Then the plan gets weak.
- It doesn't.

Either I'll confront her at her home
and ask for the tape back

or we'll wait till she leaves
and we'll break in

and grab the thing and flee.

How are we gonna break in?

I went online.
There's a spy shop in the village.

They have a special lock picker
that opens all doors.

This is all very insane
and illegal, isn't it?

It is illegal.
And insane.

Good.
I like insane.

So this is the Subaru?

Yeah, try not to make a mess.

$700?

- Is that a lot?
- You know, I have no idea.

It could be a good deal,

night vision and all.

Those are top of the line,

very popular in Afghanistan
at 3:00 a.m.

- Howard baker.
- George christopher.

Howard, we'll take one.

- Charge it to the magazine.
- Maybe we won't need them.

You know what, Sunday styles...

I'd hate to think of a situation
where you needed night-vision goggles

and you didn't have
night-vision goggles.

You know, maybe he's got
a good point.

We'll take one of these too.

What are these?

Those...

are cameras.

Look at that.
That's great.

Do you have an e.z. Lock picker?

Yeah, right over here.

I already thought
it was a done deal.

Is he gonna change his mind?

Thanks for calling.

- Is everything okay?
- That was my friend at Esquire.

They won't run the cartoon about me
trying to get the lesbians pregnant.

That was $5000 I was gonna get.

- What happened?
- The senior editors hated it.

They're not even gonna
let me do a revision.

I really needed that cash, man.

I'm sorry.
I know it's not much,

but I'll give you half
of what I make tonight...

50 bucks.

Good.

- That's good for half of a colonic.
- How much for the taser?

I can't sell you that.

- Howard, come on.
- George, it takes special training.

I don't have time.
I gotta close up in 10 minutes.

Man, if I get home late
my wife will kill me.

I mean, I wear the pants,

but she's got the belt,
if you know what I mean.

This pen doesn't work.

That's because...

it's a camera.

Look at that.

You know, I love this place.
I'm gonna do all my shopping here.

We've got a blackmailer to meet.

So who's this fellow?

That's my girlfriend's
kid's toy. It's called Janet.

This unicorn's name is Janet?

Yeah, she likes for her kids
to use real names for some reason.

Yes, this is Ray.

Get us a room and call me
when you're inside.

- I'm almost there.
- But I thought...

See you soon.

- Why'd you use my name?
- It was the first one that came.

- I didn't use your last name.
- So what's going on?

She wants me to rent a room
and call her from inside.

So how are you gonna stand her up
if you're already in the room?

I'll meet her and then
I'll pretend to get cold feet.

The plan still works.
We'll tail her when she leaves.

Sounds good to me.

Oh, boy.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

She's a blackmailer
but looked very small in her picture.

And I fenced in college.
I have some moves.

Maybe we should have gotten a taser.

No, I don't need a taser.
I'll be okay.

I'm doing this
to save a man's marriage.

He shouldn't be punished
for one mistake.

- Why not?
- Ray.

Hey, we'll be right here
if anything goes wrong.

Hi, it's Ray.
I'm in room 6.

Great.

I'll be right there.

No rush.
No rush.

Not much to see.

In fact,

it's actually
pretty well-lit out there.

Do you mind if I smoke pot in here?

Not at all.

- Can I have some?
- You smoke pot?

Since the '60s.

Look look, here she is.

Oh my God,

she's a knockout.

Let me see.

Coming coming.

Can I come in?

Of course.

Mind if I smoke?

It's actually a non-smoking room,
but for they have an ashtray.

It sort of sends a mixed message.

Just...

sit on the bed?

You're more attractive
than I thought you'd be.

I like a man with a big nose.

Is it really that big?

In a good way.

So you're unhappy with your wife?

My wife?
I'm not...

Right, yes,

my wife... Suzanne.

Things haven't been good.

She thinks I drink too much,
but it's her father who's the...

Maybe this isn't a good idea.

I haven't been with another woman
since Suzanne...

I mean, since Suzanne and I

started having troubles,
and I think I'd better go.

- But it was really nice to meet you...
- Shut up, Ray.

I don't understand.

It was a cartoon about your sperm?

I've been giving my sperm
to these two lesbians.

They're fans of mine.
They want to have a kid.

You're helping lesbians have a baby?

My girlfriend doesn't want
any more kids

and thought, "This is my chance
and I can also help this couple."

That's beautiful.

I have a daughter.

Are you close?

She lives in Seattle.

We love each other but we're...

We don't really know each other.

I have completely failed

at the most important thing in life.

I'm gonna call her
and tell her I love her.

No, you don't want
to high-dial your daughter.

- I'm not that high really.
- I think you are.

I'll use the voice changer.

She won't be able
to tell I'm stoned.

No, here.

Hey, honey, I just called to tell you
that I love you.

This is your father.
I'm a robot.

That's stoned thinking.
You'll scare the shit out of her.

You're right.

Should I send a text message?

- Did you come?
- No, not yet.

- That was a loud yell.
- No, you'll know.

Put a finger in now, okay?
That'll push me over the top.

This is my fleet of super sperms.

I could have really used
that 5 grand.

You're very talented.

I mean, these are amazing.

Really?

Do you think you could publish them?

It's probably too sperm-oriented
for our readership,

but I love your style.

Wait wait.

- What?
- How long has Jonathan been in there?

I don't know.
I'm on marijuana minutes.

Yeah, me too.

I usually set my diver's watch
when I'm stoned

so I know how long it's been.

He could have been in there for 2 h,
but it seems like it's only been 5 min.

I need a new watch.
Are you happy with yours?

Yeah, it's navy seals,

water-resistant up to 200.

- I wear it to the bathtub all the time.
- I should get one of these.

I can't wear mine in the bathtub.

That was amazing.

Get over here now.

You know, they say if babies
don't get touched enough

they die.

I think the same thing
applies to adults,

you know?

The water pressure
is pretty good here.

Your name's not Ray.
It's Jonathan.

- How did you...?
- Jonathan Ames,

181 hamilton street,
Brooklyn, New York.

- That's my license. I can't lose that.
- I videotaped us.

You're gonna pay me $500 now

and $500 a week
for the next 10 weeks.

- Every week? That's more...
- If I don't get my money

your wife gets the tape.

Listen,

I had a really nice time with you,

but I'm holding all the cards here.

I'm not married.

- Who's Suzanne?
- My ex-girlfriend.

You're actually the first
person I've slept with in months.

It was really nice with you,

so you know.

But you're a novelist.
You're in the public eye.

How did you know?

- You've read my work?
- I googled you.

You freelance at Edition NY.

You've written one book,
I pass like night.

And your Amazon ranking
is roughly 447,000.

Amazon's ranking thing is
all screwed up...

I'm gonna put the video
on YouTube, Facebook... Everywhere.

You will be humiliated.

But you had two orgasms.

I want my $500 now.

Have you thought
about going for counseling

to help with your relationship?

I have a wonderful therapist.

He has me doing...

all sorts of things.

I went a few weeks ago.

Leah made me go.

She also made me
go get some colonics.

I'd like a colonic.

Hey, let me see, let me see.

Be patient.

Can I draw you next?

I haven't drawn in years.

I want to be like a child.

I want to be free.

Please.

- Did he pay?
- Not yet.

He's only got 40 bucks.
We'll go out to the ATM.

- Who are you?
- I'm the guy with the taser.

Do you shop at the spy store
on Christopher street?

Shut up.
$500 now

and $500 for the next 10 weeks
or I will fuck you up.

Listen, I'm a writer.
I don't make that kind of money.

That's not cool, man.

That really hurt, all right?

You need special training to use it.

Get your fucking pants on.

- You didn't have to hurt him.
- You do your thing, I'll do mine.

$500.
Let's go.

It'll only let me take out
$200 at a time.

So make three withdrawals, genius.

- But that's 3 separate service charges.
- Look, I will taser your face.

Okay, I'm just saying you
should at least acknowledge

that I'm now basically paying $509.

I feel like a child again.
I'm drawing.

What the hell?
Didn't you see what was going on?

What happened?

Follow that van.
That guy tasered me.

- Look what I drew.
- Just follow the van.

- Now what?
- I gotta go get those tapes back.

Are you nuts? You can't go in
there. He's tasered you already.

- But I need to get those tapes.
- Who cares?

There's a sex tape of you online.

I can't think of anybody's career
who hasn't been helped by a sex tape.

Could even help a writer like you.

Are you working on your novel?

Please, I don't want
to talk about my writing.

I have to get that tape
back for Mr. Eaton.

He's got 2 kids. It's a sexless marriage
but he loves her.

Who cares about that guy?
Are you gonna get yourself maimed

for $100...
$50 if we split it?

What do you think, George?

I don't really have an opinion.

I'm too stoned to think.

But I'm having a really good time.

I thought he saw us.

The pot's making me so paranoid.

- She's alone in there. I'm going in.
- I think we should just give up.

There's no problem with failure.
I do it often.

But if I can get her alone
I can reason with her.

It's okay. She had two orgasms.
She must like me.

- How do you know she wasn't faking?
- She wasn't.

- Two orgasms?
- Yes, it was kind of amazing. I'm...

Anyway, and I could tell
that she felt bad when he tasered me.

I think she really likes me.

Will you reason with him?

I think he should go in.

See?
Now listen.

If that guy comes back you need
to call my cell phone and warn me.

Definitely.
I can handle that.

All right.

I'm counting on you guys.

So please no more pot.

Just keep an eye out, okay?

She's gonna face the music
and I'm gonna play it.

Good luck.

What are you doing here?

I want the tapes...
Not just mine, all of them.

- You followed me?
- Of course I followed you.

And I want my tape and
Mr. Eaton's and my money

and I guess that's it.

You know Mr. Eaton?

He hired me.

I'm a private detective.

I'm also a writer
with a bad Amazon ranking,

but that doesn't mean
I can't call the cops.

No cops, please.

Why not?
It's the next logical step.

It wasn't my idea.
My brother made me do it.

The cops won't care.

You'll probably get at least
five years for extortion.

But...

You could call me when you get out.

My brother's got gambling debts.
If I didn't help they're gonna kill him.

And this was what you came up with?

If he made you do this...

Even if we had a good time...

Then I'm not sure he's
a brother worth saving.

So give me those tapes
and your word that you'll stop,

- and I'll leave the cops out of it.
- You promise?

Now give me those tapes
and the money.

Here.
We only did it twice, I swear...

You and Mr. Eaton.

He was a nice guy.

But you liked me better, right?

I don't want to compare.

- Oh, shit.
- You gotta call Jonathan.

- What?
- Call Jonathan.

- I can't get a signal.
- Stupid New Jersey.

Don't go in the house.

He went in the house.
We gotta go in there.

We gotta go in the house.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Wait wait, what do I use
for a weapon?

She extends?

We're business partners.

- Really?
- All three of us.

Kill!

Damn!

Get in the car.
George, come on.

Come on, go!

Hurry.
He's gonna catch us.

Floor it.

I am. This car sucks.

Shit.

Fuck you.

You too.
We did it!

This is not good.

Let me handle this.
Is there a problem, officer?

I think this is the best night
I've had in years.

It's 5:30 in the morning, George.

Come on, what's wrong with you guys?
Show some team spirit.

The cops found Ray's pipe.

We already smoked everything.

It's not illegal
to have a glass pipe.

Residue.
Plus driving while impaired.

Hey, fellows, listen to me.
Don't worry, all right?

The magazine has had a criminal lawyer
on retainer for years.

I'm gonna make all of this go away.

Sometimes one has to embrace
one's place in society.

Leah is gonna kill me
when she sees that fender.

And we lost Janet.

I'm sorry about Janet.

But, the car just needs a little work.
We'll find a body shop.

- I can't afford a body shop right now.
- I have a solution for that too.

I'm full of solutions.

I want to pay you

and Jonathan to collaborate on a comic
for the magazine

about this whole case.

I mean, my original cover story idea
was way too grandiose.

But a comic is better, right?

I mean, comics are really in now.

Could be fun.
We've never worked together.

I don't give a shit about that.
I need the money.

No, thank you for a great night.

I am still stoned.
That was really good pot.

God.
Don't say that.