Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Case of the Stolen Skateboard - full transcript

Hi How are you?

Thanks
Yeah Sorry I'm late

Ray's friends are here
He didn't tell me they were coming over

Michelle, Lisa, this is Jonathan

- Hi.
Hi

- Hi, hello.
Hi

Where's Ray?
He's in the bathroom masturbating

What?
I'm almost done

Just three more tugs
- Oh, God.

Why is he doing that?

Well, Ray and Leah are being
really generous with us



and Ray is giving us
his sperm so that we can have a baby

Tonight's our first exchange

But I'm not the one being generous
I think you are

Sharing your lover's sperm
with us is very kind of you

Yeah, and we really need the stuff
There's no getting around it

And what my Michelle wants, she gets

Oh, yeah, Ray told me about this

Um, congratulations

As long as the kid isn't born
with a beard, we'll be happy

Stop No, actually we just
really love Ray's comics

and we're hoping that the baby
will become an artist

And what do you do, in case
we want a different kind of baby?

I heard that

Yeah! Really, what do you do?



- I'm a writer.
Oh

And Ray told me you're moonlighting
as a private detective

Yes
Maybe you could help a friend of mine

Her son's skateboard was stolen
I could definitely look into that

So far I've solved all my cases

I mean, there've only been two,
but still, that's a perfect record

OK, well, her name's Allison
She's a radical vegan

I know a lot of radical vegans
She must be an unhappy person

All that jizz

Yay, Ray! But can you put that in the fridge?
Cos we need to keep it chilled

No, I don't want it in the fridge
The girls' lunches are in there

Leah, please
All right

I'll put it in the sink with some ice

Just give it to me, Leah
We'll put it in our cooler

Oh my God
I'll get it I'll get it

Here it is. Here it is.
Here it is Here it is

OK, good No spillage
We should go

For the record, I'm against this

Leah, I'm sorry to bring this up,
but could I have your friend's number,

the radical vegan?

- I really want that case.
Leah

Ray, the sperm
- More? Oh, this.

Goodbye, Picasso

I never skateboarded myself
My parents wouldn't let me

They were kind of overprotective
and smothering

I'm a very permissive parent

I think it's really important
that David have a sense of agency

Like every night for dinner,
he decides what he wants to eat

He must eat a lot of pizza then
- Oh, no, no.

We don't eat dairy or wheat

- David has a lot of food allergies.
Oh

I don't know if Leah told you,
but I advocate at the public schools

for slow food and raw food and live food

In my heart I'm a vegan,
but in my mouth I lack discipline

It sounds like your heart's in the right place

- You just have to work on your mouth.
Mm

So what exactly happened
with David's skatebo

It's gonna stain

So what exactly happened
with David's skateboard?

Well, this older boy,
this alpha male bully took it

I offered to buy David a new one,
but he wouldn't hear of it

He's very attached to this one

- How old is David?
He's nine

And the boy who took his skateboard?
- I don't know. He's, like, 16 or 17.

His name is Francisco

I can't get it back It would humiliate David

That's really very smart of you

When I was a kid I had back spasms
and I went to this crazy orthopaedist

He prescribed a corset For months
Do you still have back problems?

- Sometimes. It's...
I can fix that

Lie on your belly

- Oh.
Uh! Uh!

A corset? I think that's odd

I don't know if I'd let
a doctor do that to David

Yeah, it was a very Victorian cure,
especially for New Jersey

But the point of my story was that

My mother never let anyone know

She protected me

I only wore sweatshirts

I'm glad to hear that part Roll over

OK

Oh

How's that?

Oh, wonderful

OK, just copy me

OK

Lift your leg up

Do you really think you can get
David's skateboard back?

Yes, I'll get it back
and I'll find this Francisco

The other leg

I'd be really grateful

Ever since David's father
and I broke up

I've been without a man
around the house

You've got a man in the house now

Mm!

I'm looking for a kid named Francisco
Do you know him?

He rides around on a board
that looks like this

Do you Do you know
Do you know Fran

Do you know Francisco?

Excuse me

Yeah?

Do you know someone
named Francisco?

Ever skateboarded with him
on the streets?

Yeah, I know him
Do you know where he likes to skateboard?

Don't remember

Would $5 help your memory?
- No, but $10 would.

All right, tough guy

Excuse me one second Business

Caroline
Jonathan, there you are

How's it coming with the new
Kama Sutra novel?

What position are you on?
I'm on chapter 11

Chapter 12 Position 12

That's 52 positions to go

Listen, you keep working hard, all right?

And, you know,
send me a chapter now if you like

I'll send you something soon, OK?

But I am with a friend right now,
so I'll call you back Is that OK?

All right, sweetheart
Don't be a stranger

You know that all of my writers
are like my husbands

Right, I know OK

Bye, Caroline
- Ciao, sweetie.

I think that you're not working on the book
because you're depressed over losing the girl

I'm doing a little better I met someone today

Well, that's perfect
Hemingway, you know, said

the best way to get over a woman
was to get another one

Of course then to get over that woman
you need another woman

So basically one failed relationship
leads to the next?

Yes Anyway, how's the new girl?
Good looking?

Yeah, pretty sexy I really like her

Nice arms?

I guess so, yeah Why?

Oh, I don't know Just lately
I've been going nuts over women's arms

Actually, the armpit

I just love it. It's this other secret place
to burrow into

But you don't have to slide
as far down the bed to get to it

Maybe it's laziness I don't know

There's also a childhood connection

Something happened
with you and an armpit in childhood?

Yes, yes I was on the school bus

I'm 11 years old

And this girl Diane Trudy was her name

I remember she was wearing a yellow dress

And when she stood up to reach for the pole,

the sunlight came through the windshield
and I could see her armpit

There were these beautiful,

very slight blonde yellow hairs

just sort of undulating

I fell in love

Why do you think the hairs
made you fall in love?

Because I knew it meant
that she was becoming a woman

I like that story

And, God help me, it's happening again

Wait, what?

I met this young publicist the other day

and for some reason she lifted her arm,

and I could see these light blonde hairs

and it was like a moment out of Proust

I was back on the school bus

That's incredible So, twice in one life

I know Her name's Emily

She's the flack for this new hip restaurant

that's opening tomorrow
out in Greenpoint, near you

- It's close by.
You know what?

They're having this tasting.
It starts around five o'clock

It's all organic game

rabbits that have been shot naturally
in the woods, that sort of thing

Why don't you come with me?
Lt'd be perfect

It's a very young crowd
You could help me fit in

Hi, guys Hi

I really like your board
I'm something of a collector

Is there any chance
you might want to sell it?

Are you that dude that's
been asking about me?

You you from the school or something?

No, I don't go to any school
I haven't been asking about you, no

You sure? Cos some kids told me

that a dude with a big nose
wanted to know where I hang out

But that's not you, right?
A dude with a big nose is not me, my friend

No, it must be somebody else
I'm just interested in your board

Would you sell it for 20 bucks?

Get out of here, man I don't know you

I don't want to know you, all right?

50 bucks? How much?

How about my fist in your face, man?
How about that?

I don't think I can afford that right now

So thank you very much
and, uh, keep on skatin'

All right

Ray, can you get
Leah's car and meet me?

It's fun sitting here I still think it's weird
to pretend that you're a private detective

It's not pretending Come on,
you're always drawing superheroes

This is your chance to be one
All right, what is she paying us?

Sorry, there's no money
I'm doing this one pro bono

I made out with her
What? Are you crazy? That girl's half nuts

I can't charge her now
I'm taking her out for a drink tonight

Did you at least take her shirt off?

No, we just made out,
but it was pretty amazing

We have chemistry
or something, I don't know

Maybe she could be my new Suzanne
It is a little scary that she has a kid,

but Leah has kids
and you have been together a while

Yeah, but that is terrible
Those kids pay me no respect

They call me fat and hairy

You know, they could lose
a few pounds themselves

Kids
I'm not cut out to be a surrogate dad

But you're giving your sperm
to Lisa and Michelle

Because I don't have to do anything

I just signed a paper
I have no rights as a father

Why are you doing it, then?
- I don't know, man.

I was flattered they wanted my child

But they are draining the hell out of me
They wanted four doses in the last two days

Oh, shit Did you see that?

Now, he's gonna try that again
and he keeps screwing up

So this time I'm gonna run out
and grab that skateboard

While I'm doing that I want you to take the car
to the corner and pick me up

We'll make our getaway, OK?
I don't think you should do this

Kids like that used to beat you up
and I bet you they still can

There he goes. There he goes.
Meet me on the corner

Fuck

Hey, dude!

Yo, hey!

Hey!

Open up. Open the door.
Push the button

I'm opening it! I'm hitting the button!

Push the button, Ray Push the button
Go, go

Open the door Open the door

Fuck Fuck
- Oh, God.

Get back here!

Come on, get in, get in

Go, go, go, go, go Just go

Go!

I was getting worried you wouldn't show

I'm sorry
Get in, get in, get in

Now what's with the skateboard?
I don't want you looking that young

I had to pick this up for that woman that I met I
was It's a long story

So what do you think?
Is the outfit youthful?

Well, a little The beret

Yeah, you're right
You're right You're right

I have never seen you so nervous
about a woman before

I know It's the first unabashed crush
I've had in years

She's bright, she's beautiful

The whole armpit madness

Do you have any dope?
Uh, yeah

Steven, we're gonna smoke pot back here

Is that all right with you?
That's fine, Mr Christopher

I'm very excited to see her

Do I smell like dope?

I can't tell
I was in the car with you

My nose is full of pot smell

Are we too stoned?

My feet feel really
interesting in my shoes

We might be,
but we'll get you a drink and stabilise

OK, OK
- Yeah, OK.

George Christopher

God, these people are young
But this is exciting, right?

Brooklyn's exciting.
It's the new Manhattan

I may have to move to Brooklyn

If Brooklyn is the new Manhattan,
what's Manhattan?

Manhattan's the new Queens

And Queens is the new Brooklyn

And Brooklyn is
Oh, here she comes.

Mr Christopher,
what are you doing here?

Truth is, I saw a listing of your opening

in the food section of my own magazine
and I thought I'd just pop in

Well, that's so nice of you
Is your food writer here?

Yes, Jonathan here is
one of our best writers

and he's going to cover the opening
and give it a big spread

Whoa Gee

Thank you

Sorry, I'm a big hugger, Mr Christopher
I do it when I get nervous

Hugs are good No, hugs are good
I'd better go see how Chef's doing

She's prepared an incredible
slow roasted Polder Side Farms organic pig

that will be served in a gribiche sauce

and garnished with wild pheasant
egg yolk and Seckel pears

God, that sounds amazing

I have a really profound hunger

OK, Mr Christopher See you

Well, I think that went well enough

I don't think she could tell
we were stoned

Calling me "Mr Christopher"
is not that promising,

but the hug, the hug
was a good sign, right?

I mean, women don't
touch you if they don't like you

No, no, she seemed great Um

Maybe Emily would show us the kitchen

It wouldn't be a bad idea for us to know
where the fire exits are, right?

Oh, here comes the pig

I'm going to kill you

Uh, when I was 13 years old

I first had foie gras

and it absolutely transported me
to another dimension

Shh

And since then it has been my dream

to make food that would change your lives

So

That's cos of you, big nose

To the chef

George, George, George

George, I'm so sorry
I'm really so sorry

What exactly happened back there?
I mean, who were those kids?

Well, they're just some kids
from my neighbourhood

And it's kind of a long story,

but in a nutshell, they don't like me
and they pick on me

You're 30 years old, Jonathan

I know Is there anything
I can do to make this up to you?

I'm so sorry that Emily is upset
I'm dropping the whole Emily thing

I can't date a woman
30 years younger than myself

What the hell was I thinking?
20 years is a good cut off

I think that's more reasonable
Very reasonable

Or 25 That's not bad either
25 also good, George

- Get in.
OK

Steven, could you
drop me off somewhere?

Jonathan
I got David's skateboard back

And we're going for a drink, right?

No, no, I can't I'm sorry

David is having terrible allergies

He ate some gluten in school today

and his wrists are definitely
a little bit swollen

And I think I should tell you that

David is not comfortable with me
dating anyone just yet

And we're a team We're a beautiful unit

I don't want to upset him

But thank you for this. I hope it wasn't
too hard David will be thrilled

You're welcome

I really have to put
some ice on his wrists

Maybe in a few weeks

I'll call you

Hey! Hey, big nose!