Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Case of the Missing Screenplay - full transcript

.:: La Fabrique ::.

L'?quipe ? Roger

Synchro: mpm

I love martinis.
They heal all wounds.

After about 1000 of them
I'm still amazed.

But your poor liver
has had to work so hard.

I know, I know.

- I'm very proud of her.
- Your liver's female?

All of my internal organs are women.

Listen, I have an early surprise
birthday present for you.

- When is your birthday, by the way?
- In about six months.



Then this is very early.

You know the director Jim Jarmusch...
Down by Law, Broken Flowers?

- Yeah, I love his movies.
- Well, I saw Jarmusch the other night.

He has very good hair, just...

Anyway, he wants to meet with you,
give you a script to read.

- Why does he want me to read?
- He loves your first novel

and he wants you to do a revision
of one of his screenplays.

You're gonna meet him at a film
society party tomorrow sometime

and I've set
the whole thing up for you.

I don't know.

I really should be
working on my book.

And look, I don't know
how to write screenplays.

You need a computer program
or something.

- It's crazy.
- Don't be a milquetoast.



This is a very big opportunity for you.
It could be a life changer.

Can one screenplay
really change a life?

Sometimes.

Do I want my life to change?

Most people do, Jonathan.

Oh, shit,
there's Antrem and Priscilla.

Don't turn around.

Don't draw attention.
Just sit... Just sit there.

Who are they?

Damn it, I can't stand him.

I can't believe this is happening.
Richard...

used to work for me years ago.

And that's Priscilla,

my best ex-wife.

They recently moved
back to New York.

This is not gonna work.
Let's get out of here.

Why was she your best wife?

Everything with her
was as intimate as kissing.

I never really got over her...

the most orgasmic woman
I've ever been with.

Who was the most orgasmic woman
you've ever been with?

You could use my first name.

But I hope I'm not the most orgasmic
woman you've ever been with.

I'm not that easy.

- Hello, Priscilla.
- Hello, George.

- You look absolutely beautiful.
- I don't.

I look like shit, but thank you.

- How do I look?
- Depraved,

but well-fed.

Jonathan, this is Richard
and Priscilla Antrem.

Richard is the new editor
of Women's Wear Daily.

George, you know I'm editing GQ.
Don't be petty.

- I'm sorry. I get the two confused.
- Of course you do.

You ought to try
doing The Times crossword puzzle.

It's supposed to be good
for senile dementia.

Richard, George, please.

Well, it's very nice
to meet the both of you.

- Same here.
- So...

who was the most orgasmic woman
you've ever been with?

No, I wasn't talking
about me, actually.

Jonathan here mentioned
a woman that he was dating

that was very lively?

- Lively.
- Really?

You've got an awfully good grip.

It's probably kind of handy
in bed, isn't it?

How orgasmic was she?

Thank you about the grip.

Yeah, I... she was...

- I don't want to be rude.
- I don't mind talking about sex.

It's what everybody's
thinking about anyway.

Why don't we sit down
and have a drink and be civilized?

I'd love to, but we actually
were on our way out right now.

So maybe some other time.

So anyway,

hello and goodbye.

Nice to meet you.

That was really weird... the way Antrem
wouldn't let go of my hand.

He's a strange
and tormented creature.

It really disturbs me

that Priscilla loved me once
and now loves him.

I'd hate to think what that means.

They're very nice ladies.
Well, one of them is.

I'd be doing them a huge favor.

I don't feel good about this.
I don't want you to be a sperm donor.

But it's flattering.
They're fans of my work.

I've never had lesbian fans before.

They should go to a sperm bank.

You can't just give your sperm

to two girls you met in a cafe.

I met you in a cafe.

I just feel like you
shouldn't be doing this.

The world is overpopulated.

You know there's an island of plastic
the size of Texas in the pacific.

I know, Leah.
You told me this 1000 times.

Please don't dismiss what I'm saying.
Overpopulation is important to me.

Look, I don't think
that me giving these lesbians

one illegitimate child

is gonna add that much plastic.

You have two children.
Why can't I have one?

But you haven't
thought this through.

You don't listen to me.

I do listen.
I've heard everything you've said.

Really?

You don't listen listen.

I want you to go for therapy.

Oh, God.

I'll trade you therapy for sex.

It's been almost three weeks.

I think it's sweet you
know how long it's been.

Let's get a drink.

- Keep an eye out for Jarmusch.
- There's a lot of good-looking women...

much better than at book parties.

Goodbye.

- White wine?
- Yeah.

Why is it wherever I go
I look for Suzanne?

Because your heart's broken.

You're looking for the piece
that is her to put it back together.

I'll probably do the same
with Priscilla

now that she's back in town,
God help me.

If it works out with Jarmusch

I'll be so distracted
that I'll forget about Suzanne.

Movies equal money, women,
glamour...

- more women.
- I like that. That's positive thinking.

- But is any of it meaningful?
- No,

but it's fun.

There's Jarmusch.
All right, let's go. All right?

Look at that hair.

This is...

I'm sorry, I forgot your name.
We just met.

Miriam.

Nice to meet you.
George Christopher.

And this is Jonathan ames.

- The man I want to meet.
- It's very nice to meet you.

Could you excuse us?
We have some business to talk over.

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Are those hummingbirds?

They're dipping
their beaks into flowers.

I love them.

- What was your name again?
- Miriam.

So I really loved your novel...

dark, funny, perverted, beautiful.

You must really suffer from
the terrifying clarity of your vision.

Thank you.
I do suffer.

Thank you.

Take a look at this screenplay.

I kind of dashed it off.

It's about the New York poet
Frank O'Hara.

He had a beautiful nose
like a boxer.

Yeah, I know.
I love his nose.

He got run over by a dune buggy
on Fire Island.

Anyway, I'd like you to think
about doing a rewrite on this.

- George has my number.
- Thank you for this opportunity.

I love your work
and I can't wait to read this.

Thanks.

Did you have this script made for me?
My name's on the cover.

Now when you give someone
a script to read

it's kind of standard practice
to laser print their name on every page.

I see.

This is not a big deal,
but my name is misspelled.

There's no "O" at the end.
It's "Jonathan", not "Jonathon".

Yeah, man, I don't know.

It's not really important.

But call me tomorrow

and it's really great to meet you.

Great to meet you.

Thank you, Jim Jarmusch.

Do you know Jim Jarmusch?

He's my favorite director
of all time.

His films are like poems
that come to life.

It's really interesting.

The film that we might work on together
is actually sort of about that.

You're gonna work with Jim Jarmusch?

I don't want to go
to a bar on Smith street.

Let's just go back to my place.

I live with my dad,
but he'll be out tonight.

- We can have a drink there.
- What year are you again at N.Y.U?

- Senior.
- Senior? Okay.

Wait, so you're 22, right?

I'm going to be soon.
I'm 21.

You don't think i'm too old,
do you? I'm 30.

30 is cool.
I've been with guys older than you.

But are you a man or a boy?

Well, what's the difference?

With a man...

you feel like you're being taken
and you like it.

And with a boy you feel like
they're stealing something from you

and you don't like it.

This is it.
Thank you.

Shit, my dad is home already.

We can go to seventh avenue
and grab a drink.

We're going in his office.
It's fun in there.

It's a beautiful brownstone.

- Your dad's a therapist?
- Yeah, he's a pain in the ass.

He thinks
he's the Carl Jung of Brooklyn.

I like Carl Jung.

Not when he's your dad
and he acts like your diary

is part of the collective
unconscious.

Wait.

Sorry, I keep thinking
about people sitting on this couch

talking about being sexually abused.

That's what makes it fun.

You're a good kisser.

Am I a manly kisser?

Do you want to go
to my prom with me?

N.Y.U. has proms?

Shit.
I'm drunk.

I should be honest with you.
I don't go to N.Y.U.

- Where do you go? Hunter?
- St. Anne's.

The high school?
How old are you?

- Old enough.
- Wait wait.

You want me to go to your senior prom,
right? You're 18?

- No, junior prom.
- You're 17?

- 16.
- 16 years old?

But I'll be 17 in two weeks.

You're 16?
Oh my God, oh my God.

Don't freak out. I haven't been a virgin
for almost a year.

I probably know more
about sex than you do.

I know plenty about sex, okay?

That doesn't matter.
You said you weresn't 21.

There's a big difference
between 21 and 16.

Look, I'm sorry.

You're beautiful,
but I have to leave.

I feel really guilty.
I wish I had met you in high school.

I wouldn't have liked you then.

That's true.

If you really have to go

I want to give you something
to remember me by.

And you can tell Jim
he can put me in his movie.

Don't do that.

- Dad!
- What the hell is going on here?

That's right.
Run, you little sick.

Oh, shit, the script.

- You're gonna go to your mother's.
- You don't understand me.

I don't want to.
You're gonna go to your mother's.

You can't deal with being
attracted to your own daughter.

Do not try to pull transference on me.
I invented transference.

I called the girl, but she's
already in Connecticut with her mom

so she can't get the screenplay.

- What the hell am I gonna do?
- You gotta break into that place.

I can't break into a therapy office.

Why? What difference does it make?
You gotta get in there.

No, it's not possible.

George is gonna kill me
and so is Jim Jarmusch.

Well, they can't both kill you.

Just call the dad and ask for it.

He will shoot me.
She's only 16 years old...

Well, nearly 17. Nearly 17.

- You didn't sodomize her, did you?
- No.

That's too bad.

You gotta be careful.
A lot of things fall under sodomy.

I wonder if kissing is sodomy.

Don't say that.

I need to get this screenplay.

I'm supposed to call Jarmusch
and tell him what I think.

Ignore it. Don't answer your phone.
That's what I would do.

But I don't want it to blow over.
I want this.

I can't work on my novel.

I need this job.

What about you go to the therapist
as a patient?

I don't need help.

No, it's not about that.
It's about getting the script.

You could act like
you've lost control

and then just stick your hand behind
the couch, grab the thing and flee.

- Why don't you do that?
- I'm too close to the whole situation.

I'll blow it.
Please.

I'll pay for the therapy,
give you 50 bucks

and buy you dinner
at Sammy's Romanian.

I do like Sammy's.

Leah has been trying
to get me to go to therapy

and maybe this way she'll get
off my back and onto hers.

What?
What did I say?

Jonathan found
a therapist that he likes

and I'm gonna go

just like you said,
so then we'll, you know...

Great, 'cause once you go
for a few months

and learn the language we can
go for couples' counseling.

So what should I
talk about in there?

The guy already thinks I'm nuts...

asking for a suicidal
emergency meeting.

No, that's fine.
Just throw a fit,

pull back the couch,
grab the script and run out of there.

That is the worst plan ever.
I gotta warm up before I flip out.

I gotta lull the guy in.
If I go nuts immediately

he might try to throw
a straitjacket on me or something.

That's true.

Maybe I'll come up
with some fake issues like I overeat...

- You sort of do, don't you?
- Don't be rude.

Or maybe talk about how Leah
never wants to have sex with me.

That sounds like another real issue.

- Do you want my help or not?
- Sorry. That's the place right there.

I'll see you in an hour

or 50 minutes.

Thank you for saving my life.

I'll wait for you here by this tree.

Okay, thank you, Boo Radley.

Where's the screenplay?

I didn't get it.
I forgot, I'm sorry.

- The session was too much.
- What happened in there?

He gutted me like a fish.

He said I was so cut off
from my feelings

that everyone in my life would die

without knowing that
I ever really loved them.

God, that's terrible.
I'm sorry.

I want to go home.

I want a beer.
I want an ice-cream sandwich.

I want to take a nap.
And then I'm going to get...

I want to read a comic book.

I want to watch Little house
on the prairie and I want a vodka.

Well, this is the biggest
screw-up ever.

How old was the girl?
14?

No no, 16, nearly 17.

That's not so bad.
Polanski was much worse.

- Polanski?
- You have got to getthis.

Jarmusch is gonna blame me.

- I'm sorry, George.
- I think you did this on purpose.

You self-sabotaged.

George, are you coming back to bed?

I'm lonely.

In a minute.
Put on the TV.

- Who's in there?
- Miriam from the other night.

She's not Priscilla,
but she's wonderful.

You know, I'm very oral nowadays.

I feel like
I'm half man, half infant.

George, please.
I watch TV all the time.

I'll be right in.

You look absolutely beautiful.

So do you.

She makes me feel like I'm 50 again.

Now I'm feeling oral.

All right, you gotta work this out.
I don't want Jarmusch pissed off at me.

- How am I gonna get the script back?
- I don't know.

I'm gonna have to give you tough love.
You did this. You clean it up.

George, please.

I'm proud of you
for going to therapy.

I'm sorry, I can't tonight.

That guy eviscerated me.

My penis is totally recessed.

What?

When I was a little kid I used
to like to push my penis in

to make it look like it disappeared.

Today that happened all by itself.

So I'm not the kind
that pussyfoots around.

I like to dig in fast
and I give feedback.

Stop fidgeting.
What are you doing with your arm?

- Nothing. I'm nervous.
- Put your hands in your lap. Focus.

Sit up. Good posture sends
positive messages to the brain.

We're here to work.
So what are you issues? Give them to me.

I am sad about this breakup
I went through.

She left you?

And you feel rejected and unlovable
and you can't understand

why she no longer loves you?

You do know that she is not the only
source of love for you in the world?

- But I want her love.
- We don't get everything we want.

We don't get to ever love.

That's it. End of story.
Next issues.

I'm a writer

and I've been struggling
to write my second novel.

I'm thinking about moving over
to writing screenplays

- have you?
- Not yet.

We'll start with
the second novel then.

Was your father competitive with you,
didn't like your mum showing attention?

A little.
He never complimented me.

And whenever I hugged
my mother he said

that it disturbed him to see
me acting like a mama's boy.

Well, simple then...
you can't write a second book

because you're afraid to hurt yourdad.
Classic oedipal setup.

But how is writing my novel
being like Oedipus?

Because in doing so you
will surpass your father.

Oedipus killed his father
and slept with his mother.

Success for you is like murder.

But you are not a murderer.

Well, thank you.
So what should I do?

Know that you're allowed
to write a 2d book

and your father won't be hurt.
And if he is, fuck him.

- But I love my dad.
- Then don't write a second novel

and don't come whining to me.

Next issue.

Put the hands in the lap.

Focus.

Next issue.

All right.

I put up this thing on Craigslist

advertising myself
as an unlicensed private detective.

- I've had a few cases.
- So what's the problem?

Is it wrong?
I do say I'm unlicensed.

Sounds to me like a double life.

I think that I am.
I'm like a russian doll.

There's all these
versions of me in me.

There's only one you
and he's running away from his life.

Oedipus, you know,
was the first detective in literature.

He uncovered mysteries
to find out who he was.

I'm sorry, so let me
just get this straight...

i'm not gonna get
my girlfriend back;

i'm afraid about my second novel,
and I'm a 21st-century oedipus?

But there is one other thing.

I know why you're really here.

I'm not an idiot, you know.
Your name is on every page.

I would have used a false name

but my insurance are stickler...
So you know about me and Claudia?

And you're not mad?
I thought she was 21.

We did only kiss.
She's very mature.

I promise I only kissed her.

I'm not mad at you. My daughter is
precocious and wild like my ex-wife.

She likes to sleep
with boys in my office...

Electra complex.
So I don't blame you.

Thank you, but we did only kiss.

Also I don't mix my personal life
and my work life.

This office
is my professional domain,

a sanctuary
where clients can be safe.

And you're a client, even though
you're here under false pretenses.

- I'm sorry.
- But outside these doors

I would cease to be a therapist.

- I would become a father.
- I understand.

Considering the circumstances,

I want to end the session now.

Thank you.

So why were you so hell-bent
on getting this script back?

Because I have a chance
to work with Jarmusch.

And if I do, my whole life
could change.

Sounds like an illusion to me.
Lives don't change.

We simply become more comfortable
with our core misery,

which is a form of happiness.

Right.

Thank you for being
so understanding about everything.

One last thing.

If you go near my daughter again
I'll break your fucking neck!

Same time next week?

Hey, Jonathan.
I'm glad you found me.

This is where I do my best thinking.

Yes, the place is great.

Jim... Mr. Jarmusch,
your assistant said you were here.

Sorry to intrude,
but I read the script...

which I love... and I've got
a lot of good ideas about what to do.

Oh, man, that's too bad, you know.

When I didn't hear from you yesterday
I called Charlie Kaufman.

He's been sitting on this script

for, like, two months.
He finally read it

and he wants to do the revisions.

But I've got a lot of good thoughts.

I'm really sorry about this,

but I can't say no
to Charlie Kaufman.

But you know what? I'll keep you
in mind if something comes up.

I do make a new film, like,
every four years or so.

You should write another book, man.

I'd definitely read it.

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