Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Alanon Case - full transcript

.:: La Fabrique ::.

You still smell like you.

- Take it.
- Okay.

I saw your ad on Craigslist.

I need a private detective.

Yes, of course.

Thank you for calling.

{\pos(110,260)}Can I get back to you
in a little while?

{\pos(110,260)}I'm... I'm with another client.

{\pos(110,260)}But you'll definitely call back?

I need your help.
I think my boyfriend is cheating on me.



Yes, I promise I will
definitely call back.

Okay, goodbye now.
I'm sorry about that.

It's all right.
A new girlfriend?

No, of course not.
I don't have...

Wait a second.
Are you seeing someone?

{\pos(270,260)}Let's not talk about it.

{\pos(270,260)}You just asked me.

I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have brought it up.

No, I'm not seeing anyone,

but we shouldn't talk
about that kind of stuff.

{\pos(110,260)}We should really only discuss

{\pos(110,260)}neutral, non-painful topics.

But all topics with you
feel painful.

{\pos(110,260)}Let's just start over, okay?



- So how are you?
- I'm in pain.

I need you.
I miss you.

I'm living like an animal.

I have no toilet paper, no food,
no toothpaste. I miss you.

You miss me shopping for us.
That's great.

{\pos(110,260)}No, I miss more than that...

you forgot my box of love notes.

I brought it for you.

"I love you more than you know.

"Jonathan."

{\pos(110,260)}That was a nice note.

But you don't have to read the name{\ at the end}.

{\pos(110,260)}I'm very literal-minded.
You know that.

Is that Ray?

Is he coming in here?

I thought I might need
to see him after seeing you.

I didn't think you'd overlap.

Jonathan, I don't like
to see your friends.

This is really hard
for me too, you know.

How are you?

Okay.
I was just going.

It's okay. I can sit
right over there.

I really need to go.

- Say hi to Leah for me, though.
- Okay.

I can't believe it.
She forgot my box of love notes.

Tell me about it, man.
Women are tough.

Leah's making me get
a colonic tomorrow.

What?

She wants me to get a colonic...

something about me being
in a bad mood all the time

because I'm leaking toxins.

- Leaking toxins from where?
- You gotta go with me.

I have a real phobia around my ass.

Yeah, sure, I'll go.

{\I guess }It's a good thing
that you're willing to change for Leah.

If I had changed for Suzanne
she wouldn't have moved out.

I'm not gonna change.
I'm gonna pretend{\ to change}.

I can't change.
That's impossible.

"You're my best friend.
Jonathan."

You're my best friend too, Ray.

- No, I'm just reading this thing.
- Come on{\, come on}.

These are my love notes.
Don't read these. Give me these.

I'm just...

- What are you doing?
- Hey, I'm just practicing the speech

I have to give tomorrow in my mind.

I need an audience.

All of manhattan?

I love this city.

I was walking around this morning
and I saw this woman

who looked exactly like...

you know, that actress
in the Almodovar film.

- With the big nose?
- Yes.

I would love one night with her.

She might be completely boring,

but the nose would be
so distracting,

you couldn't get bored.

Men must chase after her like crazy.

Yeah, but she probably never knows

if someone wants her
for her nose or for herself.

That's true.
That's true.

But then nobody's really loved
for themselves, are they?

All love is projection.

Really?

Come on, think about it.

You know, I'm in your movie
and you're in mine...

two different films really.

We don't really know each other.

We're{\ just} making guesses
at knowing each other, right?

I think the same is true about love.

You purposely try to depress me
every time we see each other.

Yes, I do.

Now why are you here, young'un?

Right right.

The green issue
is coming around again.

Now I want you
to go out and ask people

what's most upsetting to them
about the environment...

you know, man-on-the-street...

please. Right.

Why not?

Is it a woman?

Sort of.

Jennifer Gladwell?

- Jonathan, the private detective?
- That's right.

Can I just have a white wine?

I thought you'd be older.

Yeah, well,
I got into the business at a young age.

I was drawn to it.

Would you like a drink drink?

No, I'm on the water wagon tonight.

I understand.

I avoid the wagon
by drinking white wine.

It has a very low alcohol content.

That's really smart.

I love white wine,

and red,

and rum.

So tell me what's going on.

{\You think }Your boyfriend's cheating{\ on you}?

I'm not 100% sure,

but I'm, like, 95% sure.

I did try to access his email,
but he changed his password.

You had his password?

Well, yeah.
Just like a year ago

I went through a jealous phase.

- But this time it's real.
- {\Are you }Sure?

That's what one of my therapists said.
"Are you sure?" Yes, I'm sure.

God, it's like I'm surrounded
by holocaust deniers.

It happened.

I'm sure.

{\You know, }My therapists
aren't helping me at all,

{\which is why I contacted you.}But if you can't help me

then maybe I should go back
and find someone else who can help me.

{\I'm sorry.}I do want to help you.

Has your boyfriend been
acting differently in any way?

We don't live together,

so when I call him at night

his phone goes straight to voicemail,
which it never used to.

And he's always been
very available to me,

which is what I need.

So you'd like me to follow him...

A tail job?

A tail job, yeah.

I brought a picture.

- He's a good-looking guy.
- Yeah.

All women want him.

Have you{\ and your boyfriend} been having specific problems
other than the voicemail issue?

He thinks I drink too much,

which is why i'm quitting.

Really? My girlfriend left me
for the same reason.

But it's all projection.

It's her father who's the alcoholic.

I just have, like...

two white wines a night.

Yeah, I do drink more than that.

But you're right.
Gary's mother is an alcoholic.

That makes sense,{\because} in every relationship
we're either with our mother or father.

I think Gary is my father.

My girlfriend Suzanne
was my father... as a woman, you know.

And nothing I did was right{\ in her eyes}.

And that's{\ exactly} what it was
like growing up with my dad.

I'm sorry, I don't care
about your girlfriend or your dad.

I really just need you to find
out if Gary is cheating on me.

I can't sleep at night.

I would like a white wine, please.

I would like a vodka martini, dry,
with an olive.

Are you sure you don't want
to have the white wine...

Thanks again for being here, man.

No, I like being here.

This pamphlet has a lot
of good information in it.

You know, we really should
all be vegans.

I'm kind of a non-practicing vegan.

That's the other thing...
Leah wants me to change my diet.

So when I'm with her
I'm gonna eat healthy,

and when I'm not{\ with her}
I'm gonna eat like an American.

Can you pull that off?

Yeah. It's just a double life,

but we all lead double lives.

Ray, there's something
I've been meaning to tell you.

Oh, shit.
I hate when people say that. What?

Three weeks ago
when Suzanne moved out

I put up an ad on Craigslist.

So? Everybody does that.
I bought Birkenstocks on Craigslist.

This is different.

I put up a listing advertising myself
as a private detective.

A what?

I've been moonlighting
as a private detective on the side.

- You can't do that. That's illegal.
- Why?

I say that I'm not licensed.
And that makes it more legalish.

You have to take that down.
You can't just do that.

No, I've already had a client.
I found the missing girl.

It was like
an out-of-body experience.

I wasn't me.
I was... heroic.

Are you delusional?

No, I keep getting calls.

I just got my second case.

I have been reading
so many of these detective novels

that I know what to do.

I can help people.

Jonathan, I consider myself
a very open-minded friend.

Half the people I know
are disturbed.

But you cannot just go around

and say that you're a detective.

You can't mess with people's lives{\ like that}.
You can barely lead your own life.

Which one of you is Ray Houston?

- That's me.
- I am happy to meet you.

I'm Yusef.

And who is this?
Your partner?

He's my friend.
He's here to support me.

That's nice.

Have you been to other
colon hygienists

or is this your first colonic?

- This is my first.
- Well, don't be scared.

It will be a good experience for you,
I promise.

I am going to find
all your treasures.

The world is completely melting,

and yet beautiful women
are still being produced.

It's the one positive
in these preapocalyptic times.

I need to find a bathroom.

{\I think }Some of that water that he pumped
inside me needs to get out.

Don't you feel any relief,
any sense of lightness?

No, I feel worse.

I'm probably a hard case...

all those gyros
rotting in my intestines.

I'd love to detoxify.

I think I'll use the money
from my new case for a colonic.

I don't want to hear
about the detective stuff{\ right now}.

I just want to find a commode.

Do you want me
to rub your shoulders or something?

Not on the subway.
Jesus.

It's bad enough that yusef
thought you were my partner.

If we were lovers
who do you think would be the top?

I'm bigger than you,
so clearly I'm the top.

I don't want to talk about this{\ right now, though}.

Yeah, but sometimes
the little guy could be the top...

like a dog that herds cattle.

You would be the cow

and I would be that little dog
just barking at you...

Did you get stoned while
I was getting my colonic?

- A little.
- Oh, God,

here we go.

You all right?

It's okay.

We're almost home.

We're almost home.

This is Suzanne.
Please leave a message.

Hi, I just want to let you
know that I'm shopping.

{\I don't know, }Maybe I'm changing.

Buddhism says that if a man
walks across a room

he comes back a different person.

So anyways, I'm sorry
to bring this up,

but you forgot the box of love notes
and I had a couple of new ones.

So...

I don't know, maybe I could...

bring them by?

Anyways,

I do Miss you.

This is Jonathan.

Can I exercise just for tonight,

like a day pass?

Damn, she's hot.

What?

Did you see that redhead,
that little friend in the pink?

No, sorry.

Oh my god.
Hey, man, look at that stretching area.

I can almost understand the muslims

wanting to keep women separate.

I'm not really following you.

It's like a Lamaze class over there.

Are we supposed to just sit here
like a couple of eunuchs and watch?

It's unnatural.

Listen, I'm trying to exercise.

- I don't have that much time.
- Sorry.

You're a really good biker.

Can I ask you a quick question?

I'm writing an article...
a man-on-the-street sort of thing.

What upsets you most about what's
happening with the environment?

That's actually a good question.

When I was a kid I grew up on a pond

and we used to ice-skate
every winter.

And now the pond never freezes over.

I'm sorry.

Sorry to keep bothering you, but is this
a good place to pick up women?

It's kind of what I look for
in a gym.

{\I don't know, }Have you ever picked up anyone here?

- Nope.
- Really?

Listen, I just want to ride my bike.

If you could pick up
someone here, would you?

I have a girlfriend,
so I don't think about it.

{\Really?}You don't even think about it?

Does that mean you haven't
cheated on her,

like not just once you had
sex with another woman

- and maybe used a condom...?
- Nice talking to you.

Thank you.
Goodbye.

- See you in the showers.
- Yeah.

Excuse me, do you know
what's going on inside there?

Is it like a church singles group?

- It's an al-anon meeting.
- Al-anon?

Right.
That's for relatives of alcoholics?

Yeah, or friends of alcoholics.

{\Okay, great. }Thank you very much.
You've been very helpful.

I don't mean to be insensitive,

but do you know a good bar around
here I could kill some time?

Excuse me one second.

- Hello, George.
- What are you doing?

- I'm about to get a drink.
- I need you to come over right now.

- You know, I really can't right now.
- You can have the drink here.

I'm having a crisis.

Oh my God, what the hell
happened to your lip?

Just get in.

Were you stung by a bee?

Yes, a bee with herpes.

That's herpes?
But yesterday you were fine.

I know.
I don't know what happened.

I was with you
and then I went and got a massage

and I felt this kind of insane
gratitude for everything.

It was practically religious.

And then half an hour later
my lip exploded.

I got tested spiritually...

and I failed.

That's the biggest herpes blister
I've ever seen in my life.

Thank you.
We're very proud of it.

I kind of wish that thing
was a bee sting.

God.

You know all the bees
are dying, right?

It's one of the depressing things
somebody told me for this article,

- thank you{\ very much}.
- Listen.

I don't care about the environment.
Right now my entire focus is on my lip.

I cannot go out into the world

and I have to give a speech
at the public theater in two hours.

- Is there any medication that helps?
- No, not really.

That's why I called you{\ over here}.

Now I want you to hit me
in the mouth and the face.

That's crazy. How will my hitting you
heal your blister?

No, it won't heal it,
but the herpes will be obscured

and I can claim
that I was sparring at the gym

and things got out of control.

Right?

I was watching TV and I got the idea.
Fight club was on.

I don't think I can hit you.

Yes, you can.
{\Come on, }What are you...?

Yes, you can.
Just get angry with me.

I'm not good with anger.
I go straight to depression.

Come on, it'll be fun.
I'll be Brad Pitt

and you can be Edward Norton.

You said yesterday
that we were in two different movies.

Don't be a wiseass, will you?
This is an emergency.

Now stand up
and smack me like a man.

Thank you.
For crying out loud.

Wait a minute.

I don't want to hurt your feelings,

but is it possible that if I hit you
I might get a herpes on my hand?

Man, I never considered that.

I'm sorry, Jonathan.
I shouldn't...

here.

The maid uses these to clean.

Here you go.
Now you know how to hit somebody?

You gotta put your hip into it.
Let me show you.

{\You }Spin the right foot like you're putting
out a cigarette butt or something,

like that, right?
You just... there, see?

Now don't... don't look...

all right, never mind.
Just hit me.

This is {\kind of }an intimate moment.
I've never hit anybody before.

Stop talking and hit me{\,will you, please?}.
Get it over with.

- {\Are you }Ready?
- I said stop...

I'm sorry, man.

I took that israeli army
defense class once.

I guess the old muscle memory
clicked in.

- I think you crushed one.
- Now you have a hell of a right.

- You should hit people more often.
- Thank you.

Do you think
you got one more in you?

Yeah, I can do one more.

Hello, Ray. I'm freaking out.
I am freaking out right now.

What's going on?

I'm in Manhattan
and I'm following Suzanne

and she's with the{\ really handsome} guy from my case.

- {\What, }Are you stalking Suzanne?{\You can't do that.}
- I'm not stalking her.

I'm on my case,
but the guy I'm following

met up with Suzanne
at an al-anon meeting.

{\I didn't even see her go in, but }They've left together.

What the hell are you talking about?

Suzanne is with another man.

Do I confront her?

Listen to me. Do not confront.
Repeat: do not confront.

Get back to Brooklyn.
Get on a train, get back.

God, they're going into a diner.

Don't touch my girlfriend's hand.

What are you doing here? I'm not
your girlfriend anymore, by the way.

Wait, are you stalking me?

You're still my girlfriend in my heart.
And I'm not stalking.

I was walking by this place.
I look inside and I see {\the two of }you making out.

What?

- You reek of pot.
- I don't reek of pot.

I was walking by these kids
and their pot got on me.

You know it wafts.

- You followed me, right?
- Why are you making out with this guy?

Making out with him?
I wasn't making out with him.

He was consoling me about you.

We're al-anon friends.

Why are you going to al-anon?

- Because of you.
- You followed me.

But I'm not an alcoholic.
Your father's an alcoholic.

- Don't bring my father into this.
- Let's get out of here. He's nuts.

What? Excuse me,
there's no hand holding here.

You don't want to go out with him.

I know he's well-endowed,
but he's a metamucil addict.

- What?
- Yeah, he's a metamucil addict.

What the hell are you talking about?

You are a freak.
You followed me into the gym.

I thought you were a nice guy.
I liked your story about the pond,

- but I'm not gonna use it now.
- You're stalking both of us?

And how do you know
he's well-endowed?

Because... forget that I said that.

I am not stalking anyone.

I am in love with you.

Leave now or I'm calling the cops.

Listen, you leave now,
Mr. Constipated,

so I can please sit
and talk to my girlfriend.

- I'm not your girlfriend.
- Get out of here.

Okay, now we're even, even Steven.

Suzanne, listen to me...

You know what?

Let's just get out of here.

No hand holding!

He has a girlfriend!

What happened?

Another domestic case,

troubles of my business,
no big deal.

- Are you sure? Do you want some ice?
- It's fine.

It's fine.
So I have your report for you.

I don't think your boyfriend
is cheating on you.

He goes to the gym
and he hardly looks at other women.

And then after the gym
he's going to al-anon meetings.

So that's what your boyfriend
is doing at night...

he's going to a 12-step program.

Al-anon?

- {\I guess }It's better than another woman, right?
- Yeah, I guess it's better.

I mean, if he's going to al-anon,
that means he really loves me.

A club soda, please.

What do I owe you?

You know, you don't have to...

100 bucks, no expenses.

I have to just say this...

I really hope things work out
with you and your boyfriend,

but if they don't,
you can always call me,

'cause, hey,

I don't mind a woman who drinks.

You're sweet.

- It's Gary.
- Gary?

- I should {\probably }get this.
- Are you sure you want to take it?

Maybe you shouldn't talk tonight.
{\Maybe }Wait till tomorrow.

- Maybe he spotted me following him.
- Hi, Gary.

... and then I asked her
for 100 bucks.

At least I'll get a colonic
out of this whole mess.

Do you think {\the guy told his girlfriend}he told her,

then they{\ got into a} fight
and she put two and two together?

Probably.

Look, I'm sorry
that you got hit in the face

and I'm sorry that Suzanne
thinks that you're insane,

but I told you that this was gonna
blow up in your face, did I not?

- Remember that?
- {\Hold on. }I gotta take this. It's George.

Have you seen The New York Post?

Nobody believed
that I had a fat lip.

They all knew it was herpes.

You shouldn't have hit me.

- But that was your idea.
- Well,

you need to know
when to give me good advice,

and that was bad advice.

You need to be sane when I'm insane.

- But I didn't know you were insane.
- Well, you should have.

Please, no cell phones in my office.

I have to go.
I'm about to get a colonic.

What?
I want a colonic.

So I have both of you today.
I'm glad.

Early-morning colonics are the best.

They're most cleansing.

A lovers' quarrel?

More or less.

www.sous-titres.eu