Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 1, Episode 1 - Stockholm Syndrome - full transcript

Hey hey, be careful with that

That was our bed, you know, guys?

I had heard that the Israelis had
cornered the moving business

like the Greeks with diners, but, I mean,

it seems unusual, you know,
to have Jewish movers

Right? Doing such muscle oriented work?

What are you, another
self hating New York Jew?

Mm hm Yes, I am Yeah

Yeah No

Bye

Are you sure about this?



You're saying this now,
after the truck is loaded?

I don't know Yes I don't know Yes
I don't know I don't want to lose you

See, this is the problem
It's only because I'm out the door

that you're finally asking me to stop

It's like you don't take action
until it's too late

I'm taking action now Don't go

Jonathan

It doesn't matter

Whoa, whoa, whoa What?

I told you months ago
that if we were gonna make this work

you had to stop drinking
and smoking pot

And you didn't That was our deal

- It's dangerous to go cold turkey.
Oh!

I'm down to white wine
I can't help it, all right?



I still like the way pot makes me think

Maybe it's healthy
Pot's not healthy

They give it to cancer patients

You don't have cancer
Not yet

Goodbye, Jonathan Let's go

Please

Come on I get it, all right?

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm crazy

I'll quit the pot And the white wine

- She left you?
Yeah I'm an idiot

Too much pot and white wine

She was sweet I liked her
But you gotta rebound fast

That's the best cure
I mean, just go on Craigslist

Yeah, I don't know

Maybe it's too soon I feel like

Jojo, what did you do?

Ah!

Hello? Oh, hey, Ray

That sucks, man I thought you guys
were just mildly unhappy

It happened all of a sudden
She announced the move two days ago

Are you destroyed? You gotta be destroyed,
right? Are you destroyed?

Last time I was heartbroken
I felt like someone

had put on my head
one of those falcon hoods, you know,

and all I could see
was complete darkness

- A falcon hood?
Yeah

Anyway, why didn't you tell me?

Because I thought she was bluffing

I didn't think she would
actually move out

And then out of nowhere these
super efficient Israeli mover guys show up

All of a sudden it's like the raid
on Entebbe in my own apartment

Let me get my computer.
What is the raid on Entebbe?

It's It was an Israeli tactical, uh,
group of peop

Fuck it, I don't know.
You used the words "falcon hood"

I know what a falcon hood is
Everybody knows what a falcon hood is

- Really?
Yeah

Falcon hood, anyone?

Raid on Entebbe?

OK, we're even

Anyway, do you think you can get her back?
- No, I don't think so.

I feel like Suzanne
started to think that I was a loser

because I'm struggling to write,
I mean, this second novel...

Yeah, listen,
just yesterday Leah was like,

"Why don't you teach art in a public school?"
I'm not gonna teach art at a public school

I don't wake up till 11am "Go teach art"

But if you did teach
it would be a steady income

Don't be disgusting

Those women were into us
because we were artists

And then reality hits
and no money and no real future,

and then, you know pfft

Leah is gonna break up with me
any minute now

- I mean, we haven't had sex in weeks.
We are losers

- We're not losers, OK?
We are

Look, you're gonna be
on my website next week

I made you a therapist Look at that

I wish you'd made me someone more heroic

You are heroic

Therapists are heroic
They're the heroes of listening

Next time give me some big muscles,
some superpowers

At least in your comic I can be a hero

Yeah, but look at that picture of me
It's pretty cool, isn't it?

Hello
I saw your ad

What? What ad?

Craigslist, Missing Persons

Yes, of course I'm sorry

Most of my clients are word of mouth,
so I forgot about my ad

How can I help you?

It's about my sister I think she's missing

What do you mean, you think?

She hasn't answered her phone for two days
and her voicemail is full

And I came up from Philadelphia to go to
a concert with her and she's not in her dorm

Where are you?
Let's discuss this in person

Rachel?

- Mr Ames?
Yes

- Can I sit down?
OK

Very nice to meet you
I'm really glad you found me on Craigslist

I love Craigslist
I use it for everything

I didn't know what to do so I typed in
"missing persons" and found you

And you said your rates were reasonable?
They're very reasonable

They're $100 for the day

I guess I can afford that

Great OK Then down to business

- Do you have a picture of your sister?
No

Wait, I do on my phone

Great

Who's that?
Her gross boyfriend Vincent

What's gross about him
besides that tattoo?

I don't know
He's English, and he's a bartender

- And he's old, like, 30.
That's not old I'm 30

Anyway, they fight all the time

My sister says
even though Vincent is a total jerk,

they have amazing sex

Guys who are assholes
are always the best at sex

It sucks. I don't know why
the world is like that

But nice guys can be good too, you know
thoughtful, attentive, just loving

Whatever.
I think Vincent's a meth head

And she wanted to break up with him

And maybe he went homicidal on her

Break ups can be hard on a guy

What?
My girlfriend moved out today

It's actually kind of upsetting Um

Are you really a private detective?

Yes I think the thing to do is find this Vincent

Find him, we find her

Cherchez I'homme
I don't understand you

Oh, instead of "cherchez la femme"
I'm gonna try something different

Cherchez I'homme
Do you speak French?

No, I'm taking Spanish

Espanol It means "find the man"

- Where did Lisa meet Vincent?
At the bar where he works

The Parkside Lounge

Everyone at NYU goes there
because they don't card

Hi, George
Where are you?

I'm working, uh, a job

Don't forget you're working
for me tonight It's important

Right, I know I'll be there, OK?

OK
Bye

Another case closed

Are you really a professional?

As I put in my ad, I'm not licensed

But I will find your sister, I promise

I want to help you

I hope everything will be all right
This whole thing is really weird

Don't worry Get home
I'll call you later tonight, OK?

Penn Station

Hey, Niko

Where have you been? George is pissed
He's drunk already?

Don't pull that Anglophile bullshit, OK?
He's pissed as in angry at you

The party's almost over
All we've got left are D list celebrities

He wanted you to get
good quotes for the party page

I know I'm sorry I've had a bad day
Well, what happened?

Suzanne moved out, broke up with me

I'm sorry to hear that
It's all right

How are you and Sam doing?
Actually, we broke up too

That's strange, that we should both be going
through break ups at the same time

Actually, I'm happier alone

The only reason
to be with somebody is to have sex

I don't need sex When you're doing it, it's OK,
but when you're not it's like, what's the point?

Yeah, I guess

Oh, here comes George
I'd better get to work

Do you have any pot?

Uh, yeah
Of course you do

That's very clever of you

That's what you used to do
before you quit smoking pot

That's why I thought it was clever
I'm still off pot, by the way,

except when you tempt me,
which is very very bad of you

What? This is my Viagra bottle

What are you doing
with marijuana in my Viagra bottle?

You gave me that bottle months ago

There were two pills left in it
You told me I should try them

Now I'm putting my pot in that
Are you insane?

What if you got arrested
for marijuana possession?

Page Six would have a field day

I can't have

Hello? Hello

I can't have the world
knowing that I use Viagra

Do you really need to take so much?
- Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

My heart medicine and heavy drinking
have taken a toll

I'm not what I once was

But I accept that It's called humility

Then why are you back on pot?

Because I'm bored

God, I'm bored

Death by a thousand dull conversations

I don't know what's going on,

almost everybody has
bad wine breath tonight

It's like Chernobyl out there

Do you think we drink too much?

No, no, we don't drink too much

Men face reality and women don't

That's why men need to drink
That's a line from my novel

Yeah, well, you stole it from me

No, I didn't
Yeah, actually you did

Actually no, I didn't
- Fine, Jonathan.

Anyway, Suzanne moved out today,
because she says I drink too much

Well, I'm not surprised

Why do you say that?
Because you're like me, Jonathan

We enthral and then we disappoint

It used to take me several years
Now it's a couple of weeks

If I'm with a woman longer than that
then there's something wrong with her

But why? Why are your
relationships so short now?

Ah Well, I

I don't lie as well as I used to, I guess

Well, that means you're more honest

No

These one hitters
should really be called three hitters

You can steal that line too if you want

Well, I hope that answered your question
Thank you

Parkside Lounge, Manhattan

Is Vincent Ellis working tonight?

What would you like?
Uh, just some white wine

No, wait Whisky, no ice

- Excuse me.
Yeah?

I called earlier tonight Someone told me
that Vincent started working at nine

You spoke to me He called a little while ago,
said he wasn't coming in

Do you know where he might be?

What do you want to know?

Do you know where he lives?
He's not listed in the phone book

I'll tell you one thing, he's not home

Can you tell me another thing then,
like where he's at?

He's at the Velma Hotel

He didn't tell me,
but it came up on the caller ID

Thanks for the information
You've been very helpful

I've been laying off the whisky

I've been on a white wine regimen,
trying to save a relationship

Good for you

Is there a Vincent Ellis staying here?

Vincent Ellis?
Fuck you

Have you seen these two?
Fuck you

Come on, man,
you don't have to curse so much

Can I sit in the lobby and see if they come out
for cigarettes or something?

No, you can rent a room

60 for three hours, 90 for the night

You do that, you can sit in that chair

Do people use their
real names in this place?

Did I miss anything? Did they go out?

Don't say it

I saw the man He went out
and came back in already, with beer

Wait, what about the girl?
No girl

What room is he staying in?

- 313.

Vincent? Vincent Ellis?

What the hell is going on out here?

Nothing I'm sorry

You want a date, baby?

I just had a client cancel on me

You know, I can't right now, but thank you

Um

What the fuck is going on?
Are you Vincent Ellis?

No

It's OK It's OK I'm here to help you
Your sister sent me Everything is fine

- I'm a private detective.
What? Eh?

Wait, whoa, whoa
Get out of my room

- Put that out. Put that out.
Get out of our room

Go on
- Put that out, come on.

- Get out of our fucking room.
Come on!

Vincent, no!

Go on!

Who the fuck is calling you?

Can you wait one second, please?

It's my boss calling. I'm gonna answer it.
He hates if I don't answer it

Hello, George
Ames, I'm craving marijuana I can't sleep

You got me started again
Can you come over?

Don't blame me You're the one
who asked for pot at the party

But I really can't come over right now

Don't be a milquetoast
Where are you, Brooklyn?

Hop in a car service I'll pay

Are you at a party? Are there women?

Get out

Uh, I have to go, George
No, I'll come to you

I have to go, George Bye
Who the fuck are you?

I'm a private detective.
Rachel Klein asked me to look for Lisa

Why is she tied to the bed?
I don't believe you're a detective

Well, I'm not a licensed private detective

I'm a writer

Ah Well what kind of writer?

A novelist, some journalism

But I've been struggling with my second novel
They're the hardest to write

I write Yeah, I write songs

It's really what I want to do with my life

That's cool

But listen, what's going on?
Lisa's sister is really worried

They were supposed to go to a concert

Well, I'll tell you what's going on

She broke up with me
I'm trying to put things back together

Really?
My girlfriend broke up with me

She moved out today I'm pretty upset

And you just let her go?

That's not cool
You have to be a man when that happens

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, yeah, I let her go

Why is Lisa tied to the bed?
I don't like the looks of that

Well who are you to judge?

Eh? We're role playing
Yeah Stockholm syndrome

That's why we got this sleazy room,
to make it authentic

Huh I've always been intrigued
by Stockholm syndrome

It makes me think of my childhood

Yeah, well, she's supposed
to fall in love with her captor

In this case, fall back in love
Hm

I should have tried that

Can I come out now?

All right But you'd better be cool

What's that smell?
Meth

Oh, come on, man,
you can't smoke meth

It's all chemicals I have pot
It's natural It's better for you

- Can I have a hit?
Yes

Do you want a hit? Can we take
the washcloth out of her mouth?

No, we need to stay in our roles

Also she still wants to break up with me

and I really don't want to hear about it

My girlfriend broke up with me
because she says

I smoke too much pot
and drink too much white wine

She's right

How can you love someone
if you're in a fog the whole time?

You want a hit of meth?
- I've never, but if...

Police!

Shit Fuck
Uh, coming

Um Get rid of this

Open up

OK

Can I help you, officers?

There was some kind of fight
going on up in there

Excuse me

Oh, God
Clears throat)

Are these two men abusing you?
I'm fine They're not abusing me

That is my ex boyfriend
Don't say that

But I don't even know who that guy is

I think there's something wrong with him
All right, step out in the hallway, sir

- I was just trying to help.
Uh huh

I'm a writer
Mm hm, let's go

So let me ask you

why'd you pull this Craigslist stunt?

For the money?
- No, not at all.

I wasn't in my right mind, OK?

My girlfriend just broke up with me
I don't wanna hear about your love life

I actually lost money on this whole thing
I forgot to tell the little sister about expenses

In the books I've read, the private detective
always asks for expenses

I've spent 80 on bribes, 60 on a hotel

All right, shut up Listen

You didn't actually break any laws

And the girl and her boyfriend
are not filing a complaint, after all

Whew
So we'll do some paperwork

I'm not breaking up with you,
but you had better get that tattoo changed

I'm sick of looking at that "Lisa"
right on your belly

- It's your name!
Um

But that's the other Lisa
Can you wait one second, sir? Just

Lisa Lisa! Call your sister
and let her know you're all right

Or I can call her
I already called her, asshole

Thanks for not pressing charges

What is your problem?
I was just

Don't you ever pull a stunt like this again

If you go back on that Craigslist
and impersonate an investigator,

you're gonna end up in Rikers

And I don't see you thriving
in that environment

Hey
We gotta sit outside

Some early morning
post natal yoga class exploded

It's like a nursery in there I got you coffee

Thank you
- OK, so look.

I'm glad you called me,
cos I want to talk to you too

You can go first, but I gotta tell you
I had a really wild night last night

OK, let me go first and then you, OK?

So I'm at Leah's last night I'm laying in bed
I'm waiting for her to put her kids to sleep

Last night was supposed to be the night that
we, you know, broke our cold streak sexwise

So she's putting her kids to sleep
and I'm waiting and I'm thinking,

"I want to be put to sleep.
I want to be tucked in

"I want to be the only child
in a woman's life"

So anyway, I'm waiting She finally comes
to the bedroom around 10:30 and she goes,

"Can I shut my eyes for ten minutes?"

That turns into the rest of the night.
She was out cold

- That's terrible, but you would not believe...
I'm not

Oh, I'm sorry
Do you want to say

No, no, if you're not
OK, just let me

So then I leave around one am

She's been calling all morning
"How can you abandon me?

"How can you be so insensitive
to my abandonment issues?"

And there's only so much that, you know

It sounds so awful, but listen to me

I got into a really What?

- There's Leah.
What?

How dare you leave me in the middle
of the night like a one night stand?

One night stand? I wish it was
You should have stayed and held me

What am I, a hot-water bottle?
I'm a man I have needs

You call this monogamy?
I call it celibacy

Those are big words for you

Did you read them
in one of your comic books?

I read them in my diary

Jane Lessing? Jonathan Ames

Yeah, I believe I can help you