Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 9, Episode 3 - Tweentrepreneurs - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Calculator, check. Business
casual barrette, check.

Um, has anyone seen my laser pointer?

I borrowed it. Gene, look.

Stop it, Louise. Your
brother's not a cat.

I got it, I got it! Oh.

- That's my boy.
- That was fun. I'm done.

Tina, what's with all
the business stuff?

Today's the first day
of Tweentrepreneurs,

the Wagstaff small business class.

We all signed up.



Oh, yeah, my little business babies.

Kids form an actual start-up

to design, make and
sell our own new product.

We're like Elon Musk...
Tina being the muskiest.

Well, I think it's great to learn

about being an entrepreneur.

I mean, when I think back

on when we started the restaurant,

we didn't have two nickels.

The second one rolled under the fridge.

- You were so mad.
- But what we did have

was a promise we made to our customers

- and ourselves...
- Oh, boy, here we go.

... that we'd never
compromise on quality.



Never, never, never, never ever.

So sometimes, then?

No, Gene, never ever.

Hey, uh, do you guys want
me to speak to your class?

- About what?
- Oh, Dad.

Um, I will definitely
put that out there.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

Because it kind of sounds
like you're not going to.

- No, it doesn't.
- Forget it.

Whew. Oh, thank God.

Entrepreneurship is no walk in the park.

One day you have a
thriving Etsy business

selling hand-knitted
Doctor Who scarves,

the next, a PBS lawyer sends
you a cease and desist letter

that practically threatens
to break your fingers.

PBS will get you, boy. Don't
poke that hornet's nest.

Now you will all present ideas
and choose one for production.

And don't say Melrose Place mats.

That's another long story.

So, then the metal
tapers down from the handle

to this end here.

I call it the Pointy Pal.

- That's a knife, Louise.
- Yeah.

This roasted nut recipe

is my own blend of herbs and spices.

It's called Zeke's Hot Nut Sack.

What?

You need your asthma medicine,

but you don't want to attract looks.

Solution? Inhaler Hider.

No one will know.

It's a clown nose for horses.

Why should they miss out on all the fun?

One day Zeke wasn't
around, and I was bored.

- Lonely?
- No, more bored.

- Sad?
- No.

Anyway, I saw a chunk of wood,

and I thought, "Hey,
that's almost as good."

So I made Wood Chuck.

That wood has eyes. I love it.

Is it weird that I kind
of want it to like me?

Wooden yet cuddly. Step
aside, Josh Hartnett.

Looks like Wood Chucks it is.

Great. Now, as you set
up your company, remember,

you kids are in charge, not me.

- So like always?
- Hmm.

Jimmy Jr. should be president

because he did invent Wood Chuck.

I should be vice president of sales

because people literally
cannot say no to me.

- Let me try. N...
- Mm-mm.

- Don't do it.
- I can't do it.

Hey, I'll be the executive

in charge of sitting
on corners of desks,

keeping the mood light.
Who needs a nickname?

- How about you, Side Pony?
- Hmm.

Doesn't somebody have to make them?

Oh, yeah, you got to saw
the wood, sand it, stain it,

stick on the googly eyes just right...

Ew. So you and you and
you and you can do that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Job well done. I mean, my job.

You guys are just getting started.

Hey, there's a plate

we don't need to wash. Ha!

I mean, we will. We
always do. Eventually.

- Everything was so good.
- Aw, thank you.

Here you go. No rush.

Uh, excuse me, did you say "no rush"?

Yeah, whenever you're ready, hon.

- Well, then, I guess that would be...
- Yeah?

Never!

- A dine-and-dasher! Bob!
- Oh, my God!

- How big a check?
- $7.50 plus tip. He liked me.

- There would have been a tip.
- That's...

Never mind. I'm gonna get him.

- Go!
- Bob's chasing him.

Go, Bob, g... Oh, Bob gave up.

Now he's walking back.

Now he's stopping to rest.

He got away. It all happened so fast.

It happened kind of fast.

What, I should have caught
him? He had a huge head start.

Maybe spend a little less
time fooling with your apron.

I can't run with it on, Teddy.

Can't run so good with it off, either.

Well, someone else could
have chased him, too, right?

I was busy memorizing his face.

Ooh, what'd you get? I'll make a sketch.

Well, I was startled,
so I didn't get much.

- Definitely two eyes.
- Okay.

- Uh, what about a nose?
- Yeah, right in between the eyes

- and down a little.
- Yeah, that checks out.

That's the guy I saw, too.

Oh, my God.

Wow, that sawdust really travels back

into the old respiratory system.

But smooth.

Yeah, sawdust with a stain chaser.

At least there's no ventilation.

This job stinks.

Each smile I draw is a lie, a damn lie!

Well, the first batch is done.

Now it's time to turn
these Chucks into bucks.

The real work.

I'll take one.

- I want one, too.
- You're gonna live with me now.

- Take our money.
- You and I are great at this.

I know.

♪ Wood Chucks making bucks ♪

♪ Wood Chucks making bucks ♪

♪ We're making Wood Chucks
and we're making bucks ♪

♪ Making bucks. ♪

100 Wood Chucks sold. Wow!

And we all worked our B's off.

Yeah, like when Zeke brought in
cupcakes for Jocelyn's birthday.

We worked overtime
to finish eating them.

Not really.

Hey, are there any Band-Aids over here?

Oh, um, is something going on?

We celebrated all our sales

by investing our profits
in a SodaSpurt thingy.

And we didn't want to invite...
I mean, um, disturb you guys

'cause you seemed really in the
zone just making Wood Chucks.

Do you see spots in the zone? If you do,

- then I'm definitely in the zone.
- Quick question.

What's going on...

What...

What...

What... Damn it, Jocelyn!

What? I'm trying to make it fizzy.

I was doing my job.

What's with these cubicles?

You literally boxed us in back there.

We tried the open floor plan.

It just wasn't working.

We don't want to get
sawdust in our soda.

Okay, it just feels like
you're creating a division

with these divisions.

I mean, it's nice not having
to see Tammy anymore, but...

Oh, I'm sorry, it's hard to
hear you from the other room.

I'm so sorry.

Boy, I really could use a...

Dust mask.

If every other class

wasn't literally worse than a sweatshop,

I'd transfer out of here so fast.

Mr. Frond, do you think
we could switch jobs soon?

Oh, sure, Tina, we'll just switch jobs.

Like people never get stuck

in the same job their whole career.

I'm gonna go talk to those
guys. This is ridiculous.

- Can I help you?
- I need to see Jimmy Jr.

He's, like, super busy
in a meeting or something.

Why don't you tell me what
it is, and I will tell him.

Fine. We need dust masks
and Band-Aids and gloves

and a timetable on when
we'll be switching jobs.

So you're crabby. Did I get it all?

Hey!

You bought snacks, too?

No, just chips and
chocolate-covered almonds

and a second kind of
chocolate-covered almonds.

Look, it seems like
the sanders and stainers

are doing all the frickin' work

while management sits
on their damn butts.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, language. NSFW, girl.

Huh. Maybe Tina has a point.

- We should take turns.
- What? Hold up.

- Tina, have an almond.
- I don't want an alm...

- Mmm. So...
- And another.

- Mmm.
- One more.

Mmm. Which kind is that?

Let's take a walk.

You are raising some amazing points.

I hope someone's writing them down.

- I wrote them down.
- Oopsies. Well, there that went.

So, maybe you could keep
all your smarty ideas going

as our new sander and
stainer relations manager.

- Manager?
- Mm-hmm. You'd be in here.

This is kind of nice.

Have a seat. The chair
is an exercise ball.

Whoa.

- Jocelyn, could you bring us two sodas?
- Okay!

Did you just make a buzz
sound with your voice?

Mm-hmm, I did. And so can you.

- Feels good, right?
- Yeah.

Sodas.

Well, it's what's best
for the company, right?

Exactly.

- I don't believe it.
- Me either.

An exercise ball for a
desk chair? What's next?

By the way, Rudy, thank you
for letting me stand on you.

No problem.

And my Scotch tape. And, you
know, this cat calendar is mine,

but I think I'm gonna leave it.

Ugh. You're one of them now, Tina.

You're a suit.

And not a fun, frisky suit,

like something Ellen would wear.

Guys, this is a good thing.

I'm gonna be your eyes
and ears over there,

looking out for you.

Like, weren't you whining
about something, Rudy?

A dust mask. It only
sounded like whining

because of my restricted windpipe.

Right, so I guess I'll
be going next door now.

Unless, surprise
good-bye party? Yes? No?

- You've got to be kidding.
- Okay, then.

Let's all stay in touch.
You said "mouse pad."

- Dust mask!
- Right, right, right.

So, in conclusion, we're eating snacks

faster than we're making Wood Chucks.

So, what I hear is we're doing our part.

Yeah, the sanders and stainers
got to keep up with us.

Well, if some of us
helped out over there...

- Whoa. - Um...
-Do what?

- Uh...
- I mean, not us.

- Obviously, we're slammed.
- So slammed.

Why don't they just make them faster?

How long does it even take
to make a dumb Wood Chuck?

Um, like, 20 minutes?

So, if we cut that to ten minutes,

instead of one Chuck, they could make...

- Two?
- Whoa, math.

I mean, they might
have some rough edges,

but it's better than nothing, right?

Yeah, we're all a work
in progress, right, J-Ju?

- Get over here, come on.
- Aah.

You know, if we cut
the ten minutes to...

Five minutes?!

So, good talk. I'm going to let you guys

get crack-a-lacking.

I was ready to be annoyed,
but that finger thing was cool.

I don't know if I can go any faster.

My little body is already breaking down.

Well, there's only one thing to do.

- Work harder.
- Half-ass it.

Oh-oh, half-ass it.

I don't know, that still
sounds like a lot of ass.

So, quarter-ass it is.

Gonna throw just a
little bit of my cheek in.

♪ Ooh, quarter-assin' ♪

♪ A little bit of the cheek,
a little bit of the cheek ♪

♪ Ooh, quarter-assin' ♪

♪ A little bit of the cheek,
a little bit of the cheek ♪

♪ Ooh, quarter-assin' ♪

♪ A little bit of the cheek. ♪

Hey, guys, how was your
day? How's Tweentrepreneurs?

I don't want to talk about it.

Great. We're pushing a
lot of units, making bank.

- How's Bob's Burgers?
- Um, excuse me?

Are you making bank? How
many units are you pushing?

Tell her you're pushing units.
Tell her you're making bank.

Tina, you're-you're not
making sense right now.

I know, so business-y.

Let's go, Gene. Smells
like "entre-manure" in here.

That was me, but also, yeah.

Okay, Dad, you didn't ask,
but here are five things

you could do right now
to improve your business.

- Smaller burgers.
- Mm-hmm. Mm.

Cook them ahead of time.
Keep them warm under a lamp.

- Mm-mm. Mm.
- Raise prices.

- Maybe buy a comb?
- Mm.

You getting this, Bob? You taking notes?

Tina, you're sounding kind
of like a business monster.

I wouldn't say business
master, it's just common sense.

I-I said business monster.

Can we circle back on this next week?

I've got to make some calls.

Also, the spinning made me nauseous.

Do you think she'd do our taxes?

Wait, that customer in
the booth over there.

I-Isn't that our
dine-and-dasher?

I don't think so.

Mm, yeah, he doesn't
look much like my sketch.

Yeah, and this guy has a hat.

Well, anyone could put on a hat.

It takes time. You got to
find one that's flattering.

- It's not that hard.
- This guy,

he thinks he looks good in any hat.

Anyway, we can't just accuse
him if we don't know for sure.

That's true. Uh, why
don't you go over there

and feel him out a little?

- Be sly.
- You kidding?

You're talking to Sly
and the Family Stallone.

Hello! So, you look like a busy person.

- You ever eat on the run?
- I'm sorry?

You like Christmas carols?

♪ Dashing through the snow. ♪

You like that one?
The one about dashing?

- She's great at this.
- Uh, is-is something the matter?

All right, we had a
dine-and-dasher the other day,

and you look a little bit like him.

- The guy had a hat and everything?
- No, no hat.

Oh, well, I can see
why you'd be concerned.

But if it was
me, I would have to be crazy

to come back, right?

I mean, uh, totally crazy.

I'm sorry.

I guess you got one of those faces

where you look like
other people, like owls.

All owls look the same to me.

Those big eyes.

Oh, sure. You know, it's fine.

Oh, hope you enjoyed your
meal. Here's your check.

- It's not him.
- Aah!

- Okay, it's him.
- Damn it!

Hi, guys. Just popping in.

We couldn't finish these next door,

so, naturally, I thought of you.

Oh really, Tina? A third of a muffin?

Thank you so much.

It's raisin something or
other. It's not good. Anyway,

we've had a ton of complaints
about splinters, so...

I'm doing my best.

Any progress on my dust mask?

Working on it, Rudy!

What's it gonna take to get
more work out of you guys?

I've tried the carrot,
I've tried the stick.

And you even tried carrot sticks.

- That was a dark day.
- I'm feeling dizzy.

Pull your shirt over your
mouth and keep going, Rudy.

Oh, good idea.

Tina, you are this close to a walkout.

Yeah, except walking also
sounds like too much work.

Where am I?!

Everything looks like a Wood Chuck!

You broke Rudy, Tina!

Rudy, you're fine!

Why is that Wood Chuck saying I'm fine?!

That's it! We're out. We're on strike.

Wait. What? Hey, we-we-we
can work this out.

I think I can get you guys,
uh, SodaSpurt privileges.

Maybe-maybe not flavored,
but-but still, uh, bubbles.

Put your bubbles in
your butt! Come on, guys.

Fine! Where you gonna
go with your skills?

One of the other ten Wood
Chuck factories in town?

Oh, that's right. We're the only one!

Guys, nobody's buying
Wood Chucks anymore.

I didn't make a sales chart, but
if I did, it would go like this.

Yeah. What happened to quality control?

Instead of a cute smile,
this one says "Tina's a butt."

This isn't Wood Chuck! I
wouldn't hang out with this!

Let's not sugarcoat it.

Wood Chuck is dead.

It's a greasy, googly patch on the road.

Dang.

Also, our entire
labor force just quit.

But to keep snacks
coming, we need product.

So we turn the page... to Wood Chuck 2.

Everything kids loved about Wood Chuck 1

in a smaller package we don't even sand.

I've been working on it in secret.

I mean, it only took a minute,

so it wasn't hard to not tell anyone.

Wood Chuck? More like Wood Yuck.

Doesn't matter. It's
new. We say it's cool.

Best of all, it sells for half price.

How can we sell it for half price?

By squeezing our suppliers.

You got big ones, coming in here,

demanding cut-rate googly eye prices.

Cajones!

You're gonna do it, too,
dying mom-and-pop shop,

or I take my business to the
craft superstore in Bog Harbor.

Yarn Barn? On the outside,
it's shaped like a barn,

but on the inside, it
looks like a normal store.

It's ridiculous!

- Well, can't wait to see it.
- Yeah, bye.

All right, fine, but
if you want bulk prices,

you take bulk quantity.

5,000 googlies, a hundred
dollars, no returns!

Gulp. I mean, not gulp. Confident.
Can we get them on credit?

Depends. Are you
familiar with the concept

of jacked-up interest rates?

- No.
- Then sign here.

I don't know, Tina.
That's, like, a big risk

on something I still
wouldn't hang out with.

I believe in Wood Chuck 2.

I mean, I believe
people will buy anything

with a higher number than
the model that came before it.

Huh. Should we have called
it Wood Chuck Gold Series?

- In wood?
- Ooh, I want that.

Mr. Frond, hypothetically,
what would happen

if the Tweentrepreneurs had
a really big googly eye bill

they couldn't pay?

You'd be bankrupt,
which happens. No shame.

- Oh, that's not so bad.
- You'd also get an "F",

and "Terrible at
business" would be placed

- on your permanent record.
- Oh.

And you're not a real
company, so you couldn't

really declare bankruptcy,
so you'd have to pay your bill

- or be criminally liable.
- Oh, God!

But, Tina, relax. Your
question was hypothetical.

Right.

Whoa. Tina burned this
crappy company to the ground.

Yeah, where did she go to school?

Oh. Where we do.

Darn it, Tina! It's your
fault we're flunking.

Now I'll never get into the Ivan League.

Okay, okay, got a little distracted.

There were so many
office birthday parties!

Boy, I don't know what
Edith and Harold are gonna do

when you tell 'em you don't
have their googly eye money.

I heard Edith put a knitting
needle through a man's hand

just because he didn't
have exact change.

Well, maybe they'll
be super cool about it?

Yeah, I wouldn't count on that.

Ugh...

It's not our fault we got
double dined-and-dashed, Bob.

It's like fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, guess where
the shame is now? Still you!

I don't think that's how it goes.

- Hi there.
- Oh, my God.

Now this is chutzpah.

I'm going around the
neighborhood as a courtesy.

My identical twin brother
has been dining and dashing

in restaurants all over town.

Your-your identical twin brother?

Oh, yes... Gary. He's a bad seed.

And he makes life very
difficult for me, the good seed.

How stupid do you think we are?

Aw, it sounds like
he's been here already.

He was. You were!

We're not buying your
evil twin brother... hooey.

Look, I was trying to do you a favor.

I'm not even here to eat, although...

- I am a little bit hungry.
- Aha.

Okay, I get it. You
don't want to serve me.

I'll tell you what.
I'll prepay. Here's $20.

- What can go wrong, huh?
- Okay.

That was amazing.

- Let's settle up. How much?
- Seven dollars.

Great. Let's throw a
two-dollar tip on there.

So what does that make now? Nine?

Okay, just give me, uh,
nine back from that 20.

- Uh, uh, right.
- Nine from 20.

And seven, eight,
nine, and... we're good.

Wait. I think we did that backwards.

Uh, I-I-I thought something was wrong.

Right, I was supposed
to give you the nine.

Sorry. You have my 20. I have your nine.

You're not trying to scam me, are you?

- Nah, nah.
- No, we're not.

Okay, wait, um, so I give you your nine,

and you give me my 20.

Right. No, I... Sorry. I got it.

Here we go. Nine back to
you, and now we're square.

- Okay.
- And bye.

- Hey, watch out for my brother.
- We will.

Ugh. Imagine having a brother like that.

Seven, tip makes nine.
His 20, my... my nine.

Damn it! He came in with
20, he left with 20, Lin.

He got a free meal.

Both twins are evil. Their poor mother.

So we've opened up this
emergency meeting to everyone,

even the kids from the
other side of the cardboard.

There's probably a
nicer way of saying that.

Oh, now we're invited to the meetings.

When the company's in the
toilet and the snacks are gone.

The snacks are gone?!

We got to do something fast.

We're up to our googly eyeballs in debt!

- How bad is it?
- That's pretty bad.

Oh, sorry, kids. I
didn't see you in here.

Now, how can we raise some cash
from these horrible Wood Chucks?

Louise, you want to kick things off

with the... perfect idea?

Uh-uh. You guys created
this mess, not us.

I will, however, bless this mess.

You'll never unload these things.

You might as well try to
sell the whole stupid company.

Yes, that's it! Unload the whole company

on some unsuspecting fool.

Ugh! I didn't mean to
give you a real idea.

- Ugh, but who?
- Yeah. Ha-ha.

Good luck finding your fool.

You think the streets
are crawling with Teddys?

- Aha!
- No, I did it again!

So what's this investment opportunity?

- Spoiler alert. I want in.
- Good.

I've never gotten in on the
ground floor of anything.

I always chickened out. Not this time.

Okay, this is our product.

Don't know what this is,
and there's a big splinter in my hand.

Not gonna let that bother me.

By the way, we're not telling my
mom and dad about you investing.

That raises red flags,

like maybe I shouldn't be doing this.

But I'm gonna quash that
feeling so I don't miss out.

- Let's do it.
- Ah, Tina.

- There you are.
- So you weren't going out

- to look at the foliage.
- Teddy,

don't invest; the company's a stinker.

Go away, you guys.

Teddy, I'm warning you,
you'd be wasting your money.

You got to waste money to make money.

- Teddy!
- You're Bob's kid,

and if your company is
anything like Bob's Burgers,

I know I'm getting in
on something special.

So here's my hundred dollars.

I think that's the sound
of your soul leaving your body.

Teddy, I can't do it. Louise is right.

The company is crap. We make
a dangerous, worthless product.

- Like shampoo.
- Companies have growing pains.

- Perfectly normal.
- Don't you get it?

I was conning you.
I'm a business monster.

Wow. I don't know what to say,
except that kind of honesty...

I've never believed in
you more than right now.

Take your money back, damn it!

I'm just gonna give you more, Tina!

Teddy did not want to
take that money back.

We did what we had to do.

Then everybody was staring,
like they'd never seen

three kids holding a crying man down,

shoving money in his pants.

I'm really sorry, guys.

I don't know what got into me before.

All I saw were dollar signs and snacks.

You flew too close to the Sun Chips.

You know, I think I'd rather
be a good bad businessperson,

like Dad, than a bad
good businessperson.

Does that make sense?

Is this one of those riddles

where it turns out you're your own son?

Gene, I-I think you
sat on some googly eyes.

That's okay, I'm used
to eyes on my butt.

Oh, my God, guys.

We never should have made
Wood Chucks in the first place.

We should have made...

- Could Chucks.
- Do what Chucks?

Yeah, I'm not fol... I don't...
I'm not following this.

"Could Chucks," 'cause
they could be anything.

Googly eyes can go anywhere.

Like... Phone Chuck?

Inhaler Chuck.

Zeke Chuck.

We can sell them for 25 cents a pair,

pay off our debt to Reflections,

and still make a small profit.

Well, let's get to selling, people.

But there's one thing
we got to do first.

- Tear down these walls!
- Whoa, whoa.

But then it will look
like you're as good as me.

Oh, you're still vice president, Tammy.

- Oh, phew.
- The rest of us are presidents.

What?!

So, you sold off

all your googly eyes,

paid off Edith and
Harold, and broke even?

- Yep.
- Aw.

I'm proud of my Tweentrepreneurs.

And Mr. Frond gave us a B-minus.

Oh, my God, a B-minus?
That's a Belcher A.

And I saved two googlies so
I can put 'em on my bosom,

and I can say, "My eyes are down here!"

Hi. It's me.

Unbelievable.

- I-I know, I know.
- You see?

This is why we need a
net from the ceiling.

So when things like this happen,

we could drop a net from the ceiling.

No, please. I did it, I'm sorry.

But your food is so good.

I've never hit a place three times.

Honestly, it's a compliment.

You robbed us three times.
That's not a compliment.

Look, here's all the
money I owe you, I just...

I want to be able to come
here as a real customer.

You want to be a real customer?

I'm tired of dashing,
Bob. Can we start over?

All right, ground rules.

You sit on this stool,
away from the door

- and cash register.
- You don't touch anything.

Louise and Gene are gonna duct
tape your hands and your feet.

That seems fair. No problem.

I don't even know what's happening,

- but I love it.
- Pay first.

Push your wallet across
the counter with your face.

And don't talk while we make change.

In fact, we're not even
making change, it's all tip.

I say we do this for
all our customers now.

We'll feed you your burger.

Hi, I'm Tina. I'll be your feeder today.

Would you like me to pretend your food

-is some sort of airplane or train?
- Train, please.

You're a good businessman, Dad.

Thank you, Tina.

♪ She's a business monster,
a business monster ♪

♪ Pushing units and making bank ♪

♪ She's a business monster,
a business monster ♪

♪ Her cardboard office
is totally swank ♪

♪ She's pounding soda,
living on snacks ♪

♪ She'll talk about it
later, she'll circle back ♪

♪ She's a business monster,
a business monster ♪

♪ Walking around like
her crap don't stank ♪

♪ She's a business monster,
a business monster. ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.