Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 9, Episode 2 - The Taking of Funtime One Two Three - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Alright, another quarter, let's roll

Oh yeah!

I think all of this should be enough
for the dune buggy

- No need to count it.
- Well, I believe you.

Unfortunately, Family Funtime policy

says we have to count all tickets.

- Oh, come on... Trip, is it?
- Yup.

You know me.

I mean, you don't,
but look at this face.

87. Not quite enough for the dune buggy,



but you can still afford
lots of neat stuff,

like this comb that only hurts a little

or this ring that lights up
if you buy a battery for it.

Nice try. Give me the tickets.

- Look at her, boys.
- Yeah.

That's the dune buggy that's
gonna save us from this life.

How'd you guys do?

I got ten tickets playing
the basketball game.

I didn't get a lot of shots
in, but I got a ton of rebounds.

Well, not a ton. Two.

I played a racing game for 45 minutes

before I realized I
hadn't put any money in it.

Then I gave all my
quarters to a nice man

who gave me a piece of pizza.



Sounds like we need to make a
stop at the bank of Mom and Dad.

Are they still around? I thought
they got bought out by Chase.

Oh, God. He's here.

What do we do? What do we do?

Maybe we can stall him
for six or seven days.

- Good plan.
- Hello, Belchers.

Hi, Mr. Fischoeder. What
could you possibly want

a week after the first of the month?

Oh, just somebody to talk to, I guess.

Aw, I'll talk to you.

- I'm kidding!
- Oh.

Pay your rent, please.

Money. We need money.

Ooh, that's why I'm here.

We're money twins.

That's what I call my testicles.

Gene. Why do you kids need more money?

We just gave you your
allowance this morning.

We're trying to win the dune
buggy at Family Funtime.

Oh... Family Funtime.

That D-bug's got our
name written all over it.

And we're gonna be the
D-bags driving that D-bug.

Wait, I didn't know we
were calling it a D-bug.

Is that still open for discussion?

You guys know those prizes
are impossible to win

without spending way more
than they're worth, right?

Less talking, more ka-ching,
ka-ching, ka-ching, please.

Are those supposed to be quarter sounds?

They ain't dimes, bub.

All right, I've got nine quarters,

so that's... dollars.

That's all you get. For your life.

- Thank you. - Thank you.
- Bless you, Father.

Huh. Now, Bob, I believe it's my turn?

Okay. We can let the car leak
that stuff a little longer.

Yeah, it's just oil. Comes
out of the ground, right?

It's like it's going back home.

Incoming! Beep-beep.

You know, children,
there are certain ways

of coaxing the games into
giving out more tickets.

Maybe I could teach you kids some tricks

that I've picked up over the years.

- We're listening.
- Wait, we are?

You'd be doing me a favor

putting an end to that
ridiculous dune buggy promotion.

I don't know. It kind of sounds
like you're talking about cheating.

Not cheating.

It's more like insider gaming.

- What's your game?
- Johnny Snow Balls.

Ah, yes. A little tip.
Aim for the Matterhorn.

Okay, thanks, Mr. Fischoeder.

I've been playing Johnny
Snow Balls for 20 years.

I know every inch of that game,

and the Matterhorn's
not where the party's at.

Just give it a try.
That's all I'm saying.

Okay...

Bob, Linda, great news.

You know how you're
always going on and on

about how you love fresh
farmer's market eggs?

Um, you mean that one
time, like, two weeks ago?

- There you go again, on and on.
- Mm-hmm.

What would you say if I told you
you could have farm fresh eggs

any time you want for practically free?

- I guess that sounds...
- I don't know.

Great! 'Cause I got a chicken and a coop

in the back of my truck. And
4,000 double "A" batteries,

but that's not part of this.

- Why do you have a chicken?
- I was building a fence for a guy.

Pretty classic story.

He runs out of cash,
pays me with a chicken.

W-Wait, why don't you want it, Teddy?

- My cats would kill it.
- Cats? You have cats?

- Someday, when I'm ready.
- I-I-I don't know.

Do we really want to
take care of a chicken?

- Yes, you do.
- I think we do.

Aren't they messy and stinky?

Bob, our kids are messy and stinky,

and we take care of them.

And they don't even give us eggs.

All right.

- I do like fresh eggs.
- Yay!

Only problem I can imagine is
you're gonna have too many eggs.

Right? Uh... oh, here's an idea.

We can all have breakfast
together every Sunday. Huh?

- Probably not.
- Yeah, no.

Sleep on it. We'll circle back when
you're feeling a little more grateful

about this chicken I gave you
out of the goodness of my heart.

Back again already, huh?

Yeah, and this time we're
leaving with the dune buggy.

That's fun. I always say I'm
going to leave with my dignity,

but it never happens.

Now, remember, eyes on the
prize. Ticket games only.

No video games, no pizza, no ball pit.

- Darn it.
- Got it.

Time for the avalanche.

All right, what the hell?

I'll try your Matterhorn.

Yeah, that's what I...

Holy crap.

- Gene, Tina, get over here.
- How did you do that?

- Watch this.
- But that's gonna go straight into... t

From the gutter to the big time,

just like the plastic
bag from American Beauty.

Guys, if we just keep
hitting the super bonus,

we can actually win the... Huh?

Sorry, kids. This game's out of order.

What? You can't do that.

If a machine starts
awarding too many tickets,

Family Funtime policy says
we got to have it inspected.

It's for your protection.

You're the one who's
gonna need protection, pal.

- Easy, girl.
- He's not worth it.

If Family Funtime's not gonna play fair,

then it's time for us to go Fisch-ing.

I don't understand.
Why would we go fishing?

I think she means we're gonna

steal people's identities
on the Internet.

No. We're gonna go see Mr. Fischoeder.

Okay, that makes more sense.

You've made a wise decision
coming to me, children.

Two questions. One, are you ready

- to own your own dune buggy?
- Yes. - Mm-hmm.

Good. And, two, does
this make me look younger?

- Yes, and also like a cheetah.
- Thought so.

Why are you upset?

You got a beef with Family Funtime?

No, I don't mind a little
friendly competition

with the Family Funtime Corporation,

but this dune buggy stunt goes too far.

It's putting the whole
prize economy in danger.

The D-bug is putting the
prize e-con in day day?

Yep. If they start
giving out dune buggies,

then I have to start
giving out dune buggies.

And what's next, moon buggies?

Let me show you something.

Now, this... this is the most
coveted prize at Wonder Wharf,

the Wheelie Mammoth.

Yeah, we know.

Everyone knows the Wheelie Mammoth.

- He's famous.
- But so down-to-earth.

All you have to do to win him is
sink a ball into the golden can.

Yeah, but it's an impossible shot.

Not impossible.

The mouth of the can is
exactly as wide as the ball.

Technically, it can be
forced through. Show 'em.

But no one's ever won, not once.

That mammoth has been
at Wonder Wharf with me

since actual mammoths roamed the Earth.

He's my most beloved and
most asbestos-filled employee.

In two more years, that's
what Dad'll say about me.

Mm-hmm. The big prizes
have to be just good enough

to get people to play.
They're about hope.

That's what keeps people
coming back, you see.

The Wheelie Mammoth isn't
even worth any real money.

If a prize is too valuable,
like the dune buggy,

the whole system breaks down.

People start searching for
any flaws they can exploit.

And then perfectly good games
have to be taken out of service.

A boom box with a built-in,

three-inch television and
all these games ended up here.

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

A secret arcade.

It's exactly how I always
imagined Craig Kilborn's garage.

Wait a minute, Family Funtime
has a bunch of these games.

Exactly. That's how you're going to win.

I'm going to teach you
how to beat these games.

But, first, you need to assemble a crew.

We are a crew. We're preassembled.

- Yeah. I think the Belchers have got this.
- Here's the thing.

The only way to knock
over Family Funtime

is to do it in one shot.

Hit 'em before they know what hit 'em.

- Like a bris.
- Precisely.

It's a complex job that will
require some special skills.

- What kind of skills? Plumbing?
- No.

- Microsoft Excel?
- No.

- Oh, phew.
- All right, we're in.

Great. You look like
a boy who isn't afraid

of getting his hands a little sticky.

I've heard of washing hands.
Doesn't seem like it's for me.

You're on Bucket-Ball.

You, you look like you could
shake something back and forth.

Thank you?

You're on the Tipsy Tulip.
Now, you just need the hammer...

Hey, Zeke. My locker's stuck.
Will you do that thing again?

- Yeah.
- Uh, that's not my locker.

Oh, yeah.

No. Remember? It's down
at the end of the hall?

- Yours is next to mine.
- Oh, yeah.

- Zeke.
- Huh? What's that?

Do what?

I'm in! Let's go!

- Jimmy Jr., do you have skills?
- Yes.

Great. You can come, too.

Next, you'll need a math whiz

with perfect timing.

So, that's how you
tutor... Pause for a bell...

Algebra.

The dune buggy?
Oh, I'm in.

And two people who can act

in almost telepathic coordination.

- Why won't it go?
- Maybe if we jump on it.

Huh.

We need your help.
We're gonna do something.

We're in! This thing's broken, anyway.

Once you've gathered your
crew, text me a thumbs-up emoji

and we'll meet back here.

This is your crew?

They don't look like
much and they're not much,

but I trust 'em.

Even the two licking
each other's hair?

Got to lick something.
Okay, listen up, everybody.

You're each gonna be assigned a game.

Then Mr. Fischoeder here is
gonna show you how to beat it.

You, the squat one,
you're on Whack a Toe.

Did he say squat?

Glasses, you're on The Wheel World.

- Are you gonna learn our names?
- God, no.

Creepy twins, you're on
the water squirty game.

- That's what we call the toilet.
- We've never won.

- You, hot one.
- Aw, man.

- You're on Cardiac Arrest.
- Okay. It smells weird in here.

Smells weird everywhere, sir.

That's how you know you're alive.

We're gonna need to win 10,000 tickets

without getting noticed by
the security guard at the door,

by the manager behind the prize counter,

or the three security cameras
located there, there, and there.

The manager watches the room.
He also watches the screens.

And that's why he makes the big bucks.

How are we supposed
to hide 10,000 tickets?

Leave that part up to
me. Now let's get to it.

Clap, clap.

Here we come, chicken, chicken.

Coming for your
delicious bottom diamonds.

How many eggs come out at
once? Like, a dozen? Two dozen?

Well, it's been three days, so
there should be at least a...

- Huh. Nothing.
- Maybe it's nervous.

You know, like how you
can't poop when we travel?

Wait, when did we travel?

Well, I was just imagining, you know.

- If we did, you wouldn't be able to poop.
- I could poop.

I'd like to maybe even
think I could poop better.

Like, in Europe, I could poop better.

Boo!

- What was that?
- I was trying to scare it.

You know, if there was an
egg in there about to drop,

I'd scare it out.

I don't think that's how it works.

Well, what's your big
idea, Colonel Sanders?

I don't know. Maybe the
opposite of what you just did?

- Maybe sing to it?
- Ooh, singing! Yes, yes, yes!

♪ Make an egg roll ♪

- ♪ From your egg hole... ♪
- No, no, no.

- That's really loud.
- That was good.

She doesn't like that kind of singing.

- Why?
- She likes this.

♪ Amazing Grace ♪

♪ How sweet... ♪

No, no, no, you're putting her to sleep.

♪ Make an egg roll
from your egg hole ♪

- ♪ That saved ♪
- ♪ We're gonna beat it ♪

- ♪ A wretch... ♪
- ♪ And then we'll eat it... ♪

Zeke, how's it coming on Whack a Toe?

Well, I'm working on this move.

Mallet! Head! Mallet, head, go! Mallet!

- Does that hurt?
- Does what hurt?

Oh, they're not real
toes. They don't feel pain.

Okay. Darryl, how's
the Wheel World going?

Are you mastering the pattern?

Yup. The light rotates
in a specific algorithm,

depending on where it starts.

Once you spot the pattern, you
just wait for the final loop

and then three, two, one, hee-ya!

- So that's math, huh?
- Hmm.

Andy, Ollie, show me what you got.

I've got an innie, he's got an outie.

They fit together.

- I meant the game.
- Oh.

Nice work. Twice as nice

if you can do it a hundred more times.

Oh, that's a lot.

- Hey, Tina, how's it shaking?
- Pretty much like this.

- That's it, huh?
- Yeah, that's it.

Can I switch to a different... Oh.

Okay, talk to you later.

Saturday is the busiest day

for birthday parties at Family Funtime.

That means their staff
is gonna be too busy

to go around pulling plugs on you.

But we're gonna have to keep
our ticket count under wraps.

So, remember, when
your backpack is full,

slide it through the curtain to me

in the photo booth
and I'll empty it out.

We know, Louise. We've
been practicing all day.

Can we go home now?

Yeah, everything's starting
to look like a toe to me.

- There's one!
- Ow, Zeke!

All right, fine. Go home and rest up.

Big day tomorrow. Keep
it to one nightcap, hmm?

One jigger of gin per
pound of body weight.

You guys head on home.

I'm gonna stop by Family
Funtime real quick,

do a final walk-through,
check all the sight lines.

I don't know, Louise. We're
supposed to be laying low.

- Sounds kind of risky.
- Yeah, well, I don't want

to leave anything to
chance. Relax. Go home.

I'll be back before Gene
eats his first dinner.

It's not a dinner...
It's a cheese course.

Dune buggy's still there,
games are all in service,

photo booth is... Wait, what the...

What's up with the
curtain on the photo booth?

It's-it's missing.

Eh, it's at the cleaners.

It can only absorb so much vomit

before the smell becomes a problem.

It'll be back in a few days.

A few days?

You really like that curtain, huh?

Yeah, what can I say, I'm a kid.

And, uh, kids, uh, they love curtains.

He he, sure, sure.

Back in my day, it was blinds.

Damn it, now we need somewhere
else to stash the tickets.

I've got to find a blind spot.

Hey, uh, I think

someone tried to flush a
Skee-Ball down the toilet.

At least, I hope it's a Skee-Ball.

Oh! To what end, people?

Come on, show me a blind spot.

Hey! You're not allowed
behind the prize counter. lo

Unless, I was looking for the staircase.

Oh! There it is.

Nice try.

Yuli, we've got a thief.

Turn. Ra

Now your picture goes up on
the Bulletin Board of Banishment

so myself and the other
security guards will make sure

you are not admitted into
Family Funtime ever again,

again, again...

I'm doing that echo thing
for dramatic purposes.

- Yep.
- Time to get out, out, out...

All right, I'm going.

She'll land on her feet.
Or turn to drugs and crime.

- What's the emergency?
- Look, here's what happened.

- We were...
- We? No, you.

You blew it. You got caught.

Louise got banned from Family Funtime.

What? You got banned?

I was checking to make
sure everything was smooth

for tomorrow, which it wasn't.

I had to find a new place
to stash the tickets.

So I smartly went behind
the prize counter...

And she got caught. The manager thought

she was trying to steal prizes.

Reckless, that's the word.

Also selfish and dumb.

People, if I hadn't gone last night,

this who thing would've fallen apart.

Whoa. Everybody, just slow down, okay?

Take a deep breath
and a slug of bourbon.

We'll find a way to sneak
Louise into Family Funtime.

I don't know. I hate to say it, Louise,

but I think maybe it's
safer if you stay behind.

Sorry, Louise, I guess
you're out of the crew.

Yeah, well, g-good luck
pulling this off without me.

Crew you guys. Crew all of you!

Hmm.

Hmm, I guess someone else will
have to be tiny and bossy.

Uh, what about you? What've you got?

I can smile.

Never mind. What about you?

- I know how everybody's gonna die.
- Okay, forget it.

- Still hasn't laid an egg, huh?
- No.

What kind of chicken
did you give us, Teddy?

It's a poor craftsman who takes
it out on his chicken, Bob.

Linda, no! She's young!
She hasn't figured it out yet.

Teddy, I'm just holding a knife.

- We work in a restaurant.
- Oh.

But have I thought about eating chicken?

Yes. Yes, I have.

I've got a few recipes bookmarked.

- Yeah. Me, too.
- Stop! You people are monsters.

Rosemary chicken,

- barbeque chicken sandwich...
- Oh!

- Garlic chicken...
- Oh!

- Yum.
- That sounds good, actually.

♪

Oh, no, my hands are all sticky.

And now the ball is all sticky.

That's weird.

Yeah! I mean... Yeah.

Ooh, ooh. That's my whistle sound.

I don't know how to whistle, Tina.

Don't think about all the pee in here.

Don't think about all the pee in here.

Don't think about all the pee in here.

Uh-oh.

Dang! You come out of there.

I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you.

Jeepers. How many tickets
do you kids have in here?

The normal amount?

I can't believe you kids would cheat.

It's called Family Funtime,

not H-Horrible Greedy
Children Cheat Time.

What?! We were playing totally fair.
Like, maybe too fair.

Ah, well, we'll see what
the boss says about that.

Here he is now.

Hello, children.

Mr. Fischoeder? What are you doing here?

Oh, did I forget to mention?

I'm part owner of Family Funtime.

Yeah, I think you did.

Wait, Mr Fischoeder

to cheat at your own arcade?

I'm sure I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Anyway, these are the types
of cheaters I was worried about

Grubby, grubby little
ones. Sorry, I'm being rude.

Uh, this is one of
my so-called partners.

We're actual partners,
not so-called partners.

None of the partners
like it when you call them

so-called partners.

They were about to try
and claim the dune buggy.

It's a good thing I was expecting this

and was able to catch them.

But you taught us to cheat.

Yeah, you did. Are you dirty dogging us?

I've never seen you before in
my long and prosperous life.

Well, you were right about this, Calvin.

That dune buggy is a liability.

It's too valuable.
If it can be won here,

it can be won at all of
our participating locations.

Wh-What's gonna happen
to the dune buggy?

I guess I'll drive
it back to the office.

Thank God we built it
next to those dunes.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Looks like things went
pretty smoothly, huh?

Yeah. Piece of cake.

- How'd it go on your end?
- I nailed it.

What are you kids talking
about? Why are you being chummy?

Why aren't you distraught?

You're not supposed to
be here. You're banned.

Yeah, little breakdown in security.

- There's no one out there.
- Oh, shoot, that's me.

I'll go back out, you
try to walk in again.

Hold on. I would like to
know what's happening here.

Well, you see, Mr. F, it was yesterday,

while Yuli was taking that
very flattering picture of me,

that I realized you were setting us up.

And how, pray tell, did you
realize that so not true thing?

Because right next to the Bulletin Board

of Banishment is a really
fun collection of pictures

from the Family Funtime company picnic.

Damn it. Good picnic,
though. Great punch.

When I saw that, I
realized there was no way

we were getting that dune buggy.

After I broke the news to the crew,

we all agreed we weren't
going to walk away

from this empty-handed.

So while this decoy heist was underway,

the real heist was
going on at the wharf.

- My wharf?
- Yup.

We pulled a heist of our
own to win the unwinnable.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, not...

My Wheelie Mammoth?

But how did... I d... I don't...
What the... ? It's unwinnable.

- Thanks to you, it became winnable.
- What?

Turns out you taught us
everything we needed to know

to land us a mammoth.

Sticky hands.

Timing.

Shaking.

And the hammer.

- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Ah! She got it in!

She got it in! Somebody won the mammoth!

How come no one's excited but me?

So, while we may not be
taking home the dune buggy...

Sorry! I didn't know
how loud it was gonna be.

Is it loud there? It's loud here.

... we did get the next best thing:

the most coveted prize
in all of Wonder Wharf.

Well played.

Well played, all of you.

I'm going to miss that mammoth.

Do me a favor, brush him every
once in a while, will you?

And oil his wheels. I
never did any oi that stuff,

but I always meant to.

Come on, so-called partner, let's race.

Yeah, ha, ha!

Son of a gun, look at him go.

Wait, let's trade!

- You really think this is gonna work?
- No.

Well, it can't hurt, anyway.
We tried everything else.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, guys, look.

Whoa.

Half Wheelie Mammoth, half chicken.

All frittata.

Sheesh. Remember how
easy it was to buy eggs?

I miss that. I miss us.

I wonder if Teddy
knows any other suckers

who would take a chicken.

And maybe a mammoth, too?

You bite your tongue.

That mammoth is part of the family now.

Louise, it's huge.

- Where are we gonna put it?
- Right there.

But we can't see the TV.

This is what we watch now.

We watch mammoth and chicken.

Yeah, okay.

So are we gonna eat
that mamma-jamma or what?

I-I mean the egg, not the
chicken. Or the mammoth.

I know "mamma-jamma"
sounded like a fun way

to say "mammoth," but I
didn't mean it that way.

- But I am hungry.
- All right!

Who wants to split a
one-egg omelet five ways?

♪ Wheelie Mammoth ♪

♪ The most famous guy in town ♪

♪ If wooly mammoths had had wheels ♪

♪ Maybe they'd still be around ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ Wheelie Mammoth ♪

♪ Look at him go ♪

♪ Wheelie Mammoth wooly ♪

♪ Wheelie Mammoth wheelie... ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.