Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 9, Episode 1 - Just One of the Boyz 4 Now for Now - full transcript

*BOB'S BURGERS*
Season 09 Episode 01

Episode Title :
"Just One of the Boyz 4 Now for Now"

16, 17,

18.

Louise, that's plenty
of sugar in your oatmeal.

My body, my rules, Father.

- I'm crumbling bacon in mine.
- Gene, stop it.

Wait. Is that good?
Give-give me some bacon.

Ooh, fun oatmeal mix-ups.

- Ow.
- Bacon block!

Wait. Here's the Boyz 4 Now story.



- Zip your B-holes.
- B-holes?

- Breakfast holes. Shh.
- Oh.

This is Olsen Benner, reporting

- from the convention center...
- Hi.

Where the Boyz 4 Now
open call auditions...

- are about to get underway.
- Hi! I'm on TV!

After popular boy-band
boy Boo Boo left the band,

their album-Three is
more Than Four did not

top the charts.

♪ Three is more than four... ♪

So, the Boyz 3 Now
are hunting for a quote unquote,

"new Boo Boo,"
so they can be four once more.

I'm here with Boyz 4 Now
super-fan Gertie Humikowski.

I don't like that
there are only three.



There has to be four!

And now, the
nationwide talent search is here

in the Seymour's Bay area,

where boys aged 12 to 17
will soon be lining up.

Girls, however, will not
be permitted within 50 yards

of the entrance after several
incidents around the country.

We had to rescue a
girl from an air duct.

She crawled right up in there.
Not safe, girls. Don't do it.

So girls, stay away.
Boys, come to play.

Whoo. That's gonna be
a real smorgas-boy'd.

They're never gonna
find someone

as slappable as Boo
Boo to take his place.

His face fits right
in my tiny little hand.

- Gene, you want to go audition?
- No way.

I'm gonna replace Baby Spice
when she grows up,

but she's just a baby,
so that's gonna be a while.

No one asked me
if I wanted to audition.

I'm the same age as Matt.

- Matt's 89?
- What? No. Matt's 17.

Yeah, sure, sure.
Sure he is.

I think it's gonna be a
good day for the restaurant.

The heat wave is gonna bring
us a lot of foot traffic

from people
heading to the beach, right?

Yeah. They've got feet,
and they got to eat.

Bob, I thought
we got napkins yesterday.

- Where'd they go?
- I must've left them in the car.

Louise, can you go
get them?

You know I can't use my legs, Father.

I have cough-legs.

I wish I could run
like the other children.

I'll go, Dad. I like a little junk
from the trunk.

All right, Tina, the car is
at the curb down the block.

We couldn't pull into
the alley to drop them off

because your mom said
the raccoons

were having
a birthday party.

It wasn't a birthday party,
Bob.

Little King Trash Mouth
and his husband Gary

were renewing their vows,
I think.

It's their anniversary,
so it makes sense.

No, it doesn't,
but it's fine.

- Yeah.
- What?

- No, yeah.
- No. No.

- Yeah. No, it was
- Hmm...

definitely their anniversary,

now that I think about it.

Hey, uh, mm.

- Mm-hmm. Aah!
- Oh.

Oh, my goodness.
I'm so sorry.

Um, can I help you up?

Whoa.

♪ Girl, when these
napkins are in the air ♪

♪ I want to kiss your
lips and comb your hair ♪

♪ It's love at first sight ♪

♪ Now it's our wedding night ♪

♪ Is this really happening? ♪

♪ Girl, are we napkin-ing? ♪

♪ Yes, this is happening ♪

♪ Girl, we are napkin-ing ♪

♪ Napkin-ing. ♪

- Are-are you okay?
- Oh, yeah.

Uh, hi. I'm Tina.

- Yeah, I'm Damon.
- Damon. Damon.

Yeah. Ah, shoot.
You know what?

I'd love to stay and talk,
but I have to catch a bus

to the convention center for a tryout.

- So bye.
- Oh, good luck.

Uh, thanks.
Sorry about your napkins.

I hope they can still...
clean things.

Damon, I...

Oh. He's gone.

But he left this shoe.

No, wait. That's a pigeon.

Oh, hey, Tina.
Those napkins look different.

Someone bumped into me,
and I dropped them, and also,

my whole life is
probably gonna change now.

Here, Tina, give 'em to me,
hon.

Okay, but I need to keep one

as a souvenir of the day
I met Damon.

He was running to catch the
bus to the Boyz 4 Now auditions,

and he bumped into me,
and we touched hands,

and it might be love at first sight.

- Welp, here we go again.
- What do you mean?

Oh, I don't know. It's not like
you fall in love at first sight

all the time.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Excuse me. Whoa.

Okay, maybe once or twice.

- A minute.
- It's fine.

You're young,
you have fun.

What are you guys trying to say?

We're trying to say
you're something

that rhymes with "shmoy shmazy."

Okay, I'm not boy crazy.

I'm boy... focused.

And I really think
Damon could be the one.

One of... many.
Many ones.

All right, guys,
leave Tina alone.

She has an active
imagination about boys.

It's not my imagination.

My feelings are real.
Damon is probably my soul mate.

I'll-I'll show you.
I'll... I'll go down

to those auditions
and find Damon

- and start our life together.
- Oh, Tina.

They're not gonna let
girls in the auditions.

Remember?
The news? No girls allowed.

Damn it. Well,
then, I'll dress as a boy.

- Ooh, that's fun.
- No.

Not that that's not a great idea,
but we need Tina here.

It-It's gonna be a busy day.

Ugh. Fine.

- Aw.
- "Aw" what?

Tina wants to go find
her crush. It's sweet.

Wait, Linda,
you want her to go?

I don't think
it'll do any harm, Bob.

They'll probably just
spot that she's a girl

and send her home anyway.

Fine.

Tina, we have some good news.

What?

You can dress as a boy
and go find that kid.

I can? Thank you. I'm gonna prove

that Damon's my true love,
so say good-bye to Tina.

And say hello to Dino.

My Annie wig! I knew
she'd live to dance another day.

Next time you see me,
I'll be in a serious relationship

with one boy only. Damon.

I'm not boy crazy.
I've never felt more boy sane.

Am I nuts or is Dino hot?

Linda, Bob. Linda, Bob.

Teddy, what is it?
Why are we whispering?

I-I just need to show
you what's in the box.

I found this at the place
I'm working up the street.

I just need you to take care
of it till I'm off later.

Promise me
you'll take care of it.

- Promise me, promise me!
- What? No.

We don't even know
what it is yet.

Okay. I'll show you.

- No loud noises.
- I'll tell my butt.

Oh, my God, what is it?

What did you do to Mort?

- Huh. Is that a squirrel?
- A squirrel?

You think this cute little guy
is a stupid, lowlife squirrel?

No, I would never bring
a squirrel in here, Bobby.

What do you think,
I'm out of my mind?

- What is it then?
- It's a rat. A baby rat.

- Oh. Okay, get out.
- Bob, no, please, please.

We can't have a rat in
the restaurant, Teddy.

It's just for a couple of
hours. Otherwise, he's gonna die.

- Okay.
- All you got to do is

keep him warm
with a heating pad,

and then give him
some sugar water.

- You can do that, right, Bobby?
- Hmm.

I've nursed dozens of baby rats.

Your nipples must be a mess.

Look, Teddy, I'm sorry.

It's just that we can't...

Oh, my God, look at it.

I'm crying.

I would die for this rat.

Ugh. What was I thinking?

No one's gonna believe
I'm a boy.

Oh, my God, a boy!

That's right, sweetheart. Yes!

Okay, just gonna pop in,
find Damon,

tell him I think we're
meant to be together forever,

and I won't get distracted
by all the other...

Oh, my God.

Aah, so many butts age 12 to 17.

Okay. Focus, Tina.

Damon's here somewhere. All I have to do

is stand in line and not get distracted.

Dude, you got any gum?

♪ Oh, I know that I'm
just asking for gum ♪

♪ And that I might
seem pretty dumb ♪

♪ But I could be real fun ♪

♪ I could be the one ♪

♪ Now sweat. ♪

Sweat...

Aah! No, I'm here for
Damon! Uh, uh, uh...

Ah! Ha-ha, not going in there.

That was a... joke.

Come on, Dino, don't stress.

You're a strong, confident young
man who isn't afraid of urinals.

Good for you, man.

Coming in. Just another
boy, so no big deal.

So, Teddy said we need

to keep him very warm
on the heating pad

and feed him
every one to two hours.

Or her.
Girls can be rats, too, Bob.

It does look like
she has a little penis, though. Aw.

- It's bigger than yours, Mom.
- Gene.

- Aw...
- Baby.

Okay, this heating pad shuts off
automatically every 30 minutes,

- so we'll need to set a timer.
- On it.

And I've got his sugar
water all mixed up

for when he gets hungry.

And I'm gonna order him
the box set of The Wire

- for when he's ready.
- And I'll teach him how to fight.

Probably Brazilian jiu-jitsu,
because he's so small.

A lot of ground stuff,
lot of grappling.

Hello. Bob's Burgers.
Oh, hi, Teddy. What's that?

Oh. Okay.
All right, new thing:

Teddy says we got to rub
the rat's butt and genitals

to make it pee and
poop after we feed it.

That's all you, Dad.

I probably shouldn't
be the one to do that,

- since I cook all the food.
- Well, and I carry all the food.

- And I eat all the food.
- And I don't want to.

Fine, I'll just wash
my hands really, really well.

Like how surgeons do.

That's kind of cool.
I'll scrub in.

There you go, Dad.
You're like a cool, smelly surgeon.

Dr. McGreasy.

I like the rat more
than I like all of you.

Focusing on Damon with
all these other boys around

is gonna be harder than I thought.
Aah!

Oh, sorry, I didn't
think anyone was in here.

That-that's okay. Are you hiding, too?

- Um, kinda.
- My name's Chad.

I'm Dino. Why are you hiding in here?

Well, uh, I guess I'm just nervous.

I-I just wish I had a
friend here, you know?

To talk to. But all-all
my best friends are girls.

Oh, really?

- Yeah.
- Whoa.

♪ Hey, girl, it's me ♪

♪ I'm your best friend ♪

♪ I'm super cute,
but for now ♪

♪ I'm just your friend ♪

♪ You like that jock ♪

♪ So I'll just wait ♪

♪ And I'll even get him
to take you out on a date ♪

♪ We'll make a bet
for his Corvette ♪

♪ That he can't make you prom
queen 'cause you're brunette ♪

♪ I'm in the friend zone ♪

♪ And I'm so alone ♪

♪ So I'll just keep
on fighting for you ♪

♪ While I wear my headphones ♪

I feel sad.

♪ And even when you
become prom queen ♪

♪ I'll keep on hoping I can
be the boy of your dreams ♪

Why are you kissing her?

I was just going to
prom with you as a bet.

- A bet?
- Tina!

You were here all along,
and now I finally see you.

♪ Not in the friend zone ♪

♪ And I'm not alone ♪

♪ Now let's kiss over this cake ♪

♪ 'Cause it's your
birthday, I guess. ♪

Yeah, let's say
it's my birthday.

Um...

- Ah! Damon!
- Chad.

No, I know. S-Sorry,
I-I got to go.

Look, I put a little
table in there for him.

I made it out of a bottle cap.

Should we make him
some chairs?

- Put in a little rug?
- Lava lamp.

Beanbag. One bean.

Hello? Bob!

Your not-friendly
health inspector's here.

Oh, my God, it's Hugo.

Crap, crap, crap, crap!

Thank you.

Normally, I wouldn't
drink your water, Bob,

but I'm inspecting the outdoor
stands at the beach today.

It's hot out there, and I'm
very susceptible to dehydration.

They should keep
dumping water on you,

like when they transport a dolphin.

Well, you probably got
to get going, so, uh...

You know what?
I think I'll have another water.

I'm not driving.

Great. Great. Great,
great, great, great, great.

- Can we just kill him?
- Maybe, honey. Maybe.

All right, focus, focus, focus.

He's cute.

Damon! I'm coming for you!

I'm okay. Dino's okay.

Damon! Hi. Excuse me, um,
can I cut in front of you?

My little brother is way up in the line,

and he forgot his healthy snack?

- Yeah, sure, whatever.
- All right, thanks.

Hey, can I cut in front of you?

My brother's up ahead,
and he forgot his shoes.

His voice medicine.
His lucky rabbit's butt.

Hi, um, is there any way
I can cut in front of you?

- See, my little...
- What? No.

- But-but I...
- Dude, you got to wait in line

like the rest of us, all right?

Ugh, you have to let me through.

My brother is ahead of me in line.

He's holding my place,

and I promised my mom,
Barbara, that I would watch him.

His name is Simon Garfunkel,

and he loves to laugh.
All of that is true.

No dice, Beans and Rice.
You're not getting by me.

Whoa.

And in conclusion, that is why I think

we should buy the company
I was talking about.

With money.

Do you want to say something,
Jesse?

Yeah, I do.

♪ I'm the guy who disagrees
with everything you say ♪

♪ You think that I'm a jerk ♪

♪ And I feel the
same way about you ♪

♪ What are we gonna do? ♪

♪ Your faxes are so taxing ♪

♪ Your opinions are so strong ♪

♪ We'll never get along, it's true ♪

- ♪ When I say red, you say blue ♪ Red.
- Blue.

♪ Oh, I hate the way I love you ♪

♪ And I love the way I hate you ♪

♪ And I kind of want to pinch you ♪

♪ But I kind of want
to date you, too ♪

♪ What should we do? ♪

♪ But then we find
ourselves going ♪

♪ To Paris in first class ♪

♪ Outside of the boardroom,
I kind of like your sass ♪

♪ We get loose ♪

♪ Drinking too much grape juice ♪

♪ I can't wait to land ♪

Wait, am I holding your hand?
Rap time.

♪ When we land in Paris, France ♪

♪ We take our time,
we do the dance ♪

♪ Supposed to be business,
but we're acting like friends ♪

♪ Sampling the cheeses and
we're eating the breads ♪

♪ What is going on
up in my noodle? ♪

♪ You fall into the Seine
while we're chasing a poodle ♪

♪ I rescue you 'cause
I'm really brave ♪

♪ But I'm the one
who's getting saved ♪

♪ Then we do the big
meeting, a perfect team ♪

♪ They pay a billion French
monies for our scheme ♪

♪ Then we're getting married
and we're living the dream ♪

♪ Oh, I hate the way I love you ♪

♪ But I love the way I hate you ♪

♪ And I kind of want to pinch you ♪

♪ But I kind of want
to date you, too ♪

♪ What should we do? ♪

Do you want to
say something, Jesse?

Yes, I do.

Are you free for lunch?

- Yes.
- What, dude?

- Girl. I got a girl here!
- Oh, crud.

Hey! Somebody stop that dude.

He's cutting in line,
it's totally not fair.

Rules are rules, guys. Rules are rules.

All right, Bob, thank
you for all the water.

I don't know
why I'm so parched.

You're a thirsty bitch.

- Gene, don't say that.
- Why not?

Well, I'm not gonna pay you
for it because it's just water.

Great, bye.

What was that?

Oh, t-that was my, uh,
uh, text notification.

Text notification, really?
Who's the text from, Bob?

Oh, uh, my, uh, mistress.
She's, uh, gross.

Uh, s-she's fine. We're all fine.

Okay, I'll see you later, bye.

I didn't mean the ding, Bob.

I meant the squeaks.

Uh, let me, uh,
let me go check on that.

Pick and roll, Gene. Pick and roll.

Whoa.

Drag him down, drag him down!

- I am! Grab a leg!
- Get off of me!

Aha!

Just flipping the burgers, Hugo.

What burgers, Bob?

Didn't we tell you?
Dad went insane.

It's okay, Dad. Flip your burgers.

Hmm, that's funny.
I thought I was going insane,

because for a minute there,
I thought I heard the sound

of a squeaking baby rat!

Oh! What?

And I bet he's right there!

Time for me to say hello
to your little friend.

What in the...?

I know there was a rat in there.

I've seen this a thousand times.

The heating pad, the tiny
little table you made for him.

As if he would ever eat at
that table. It's ridiculous!

Uh, well, Hugo, we just had the
heating pad down here for, uh...

My PMS.

So hormonal right now, so angry.

Yeah. That's why I have a mistress.

And Gene and I were
playing tomato dolls.

Yeah, we-we take the tomatoes and...

And put them in that box.

Yeah, tomato dolls.

Eh, we can't afford toys.
Sad.

There it is again!

Bob, is that rat in your underwear?

Well, Hugo, I'm pretty
sure you're not allowed

to look at my privates, so I guess...

we'll never know.

God, I respect this man.

A-And, uh, and now
we're closing, so, uh,

- closing time, bye.
- Yeah, yeah. That's right.

We are closed for the day,
so good-bye Hu...

Get out of here! Get away from my dad!

Fine. You win this one, Bob.

But I'll be back with a
warrant for your underwear.

Aaah! Just go.

Stop it. Stop pushing me.

Ugh. Okay, I got to get it out.

Oh, God, it's going lower.

Bob, no!

Ah, ah, oh! Oh, wait,
it's-it's fine now.

- Damon.
- Yeah?

Hi. Um, I don't know
if you'll recognize me.

- We met earlier today.
- Uh...

Oh. We did. Sure.

No, I don't. I don't remember you.

Uh, this is my best friend Hayden.

- Sup?
- Whoa.

♪ I think you're out of this world ♪

♪ But you're my best friend's girl ♪

♪ I want to kiss your face, oh, oh ♪

♪ I'm so lost in space... ♪

My best friend Hayden?

What are you doing here in space?

I'm just here with my
colleague slash girlfriend Tina.

You're supposed to be down on
the ground doing ground stuff.

- I finished it.
- Well, maybe space

isn't big enough for the both of us.

Yeah. You're right.
That's why you should leave.

I'll stay here with Tina,
and you go do ground stuff.

- Boys, stop. Don't fight over me.
- Rap battle.

♪ What are you doing in
space? It ain't your place ♪

♪ Hands off my girl
or I'll hit your face ♪

♪ I didn't come to fight, I came
to dance, 'cause out in space ♪

♪ We don't need pants ♪

♪ Yeah, that's right,
don't be mad at me ♪

♪ My pants flew off 'cause
there's no gravity... ♪

Keep talking.

♪ There's
no pants in space ♪

♪ Uranus can't see ♪

- ♪ Your anus ♪
- ♪ And Venus ♪

♪ Can't see your penis ♪

- ♪ Pants on Jupiter ♪
- ♪ There's nothing stupider ♪

♪ Oh, you moon the
Moon, it moons you back ♪

♪ It moons me back ♪

♪ In space, we don't wear slacks. ♪

Hey, what's the policy on
shirts here?

Do you think they would float?

Just want to whip them off
real quick?

Cool, cool, cool, cool.

Damn it.

Damon, I am so sorry.

- Sorry for what?
- For not loving you enough.

- I'm sorry, what?
- Um... What's happening?

Yes, that's right. It's me.

The beautiful, aloof, yet very
kind girl who carries napkins.

Oh, uh...
Yeah, yeah. From earlier.

Yes. From that incredible moment.

- I mean, ah... mm-Kay.
- Shh.

I came here to find you so
we could turn that moment

into a million moments.

But my family was right.
I am boy crazy.

Aah!
I'm nuts for butts.

Hey, it's a girl!

I've got seven non-boys
in the warm-up room.

Requesting backup.

So, she's not in any real trouble,

but we got to make sure an
adult takes the girls home,

or else they keep sneaking
in over and over again.

God, I didn't think this
is how my life would turn out.

So, where is he? Where's the
dream boy to top all dream boys?

Out getting a marriage license?

No, you were right.

You were all right.
I am boy crazy.

I fantasized about 3.5 other
boys on my way to find Damon.

Couldn't even make it one
afternoon focused on one boy.

- Aw. You know what, Tina?
- What?

I think it's great
that you're boy crazy.

- You do?
- Of course.

We all think it's great.
Right?

- I love it.
- Get it, girl!

You love it, too. Right, Bob?

Yeah, I think it's great that
you go crazy a lot for them.

Huh.
Maybe being boy crazy is okay.

It's great. You have
imagination and heart.

You're a hopeful romantic.

You fall in love as many
times as you want, honey.

Each one is lucky to have you.

Except Jimmy Jr.
I'm not sold on him.

- Wait, what?
- Nothing.

We
Need everyone to the front

of the convention center.
The winner is being announced.

- Winner? That was quick.
- Yeah, the boys are gonna sing

with the winner out in
front of the building.

You want to come out and watch
this dumb publicity stunt?

How dumb we talking?

I could go for another
visit to the boy-ffet.

There she is.

Dad, why are you carrying a box?

Oh, it's Teddy's baby rat.

- We're kind of co-parenting.
- Can I see him?

He-he's gonna be a mess
if we wake him up from his nap.

- Can we do it later?
- I was just being nice.

- I don't really want to see him.
- Yeah, right.

Ladies and girls,

put your hands together
for Matt, Griffin, Allen!

And let's meet the
newest member of the band.

He's coming out of the crowd right now.

Who is he? Come on up here and
let us get a look at your face.

Boo Boo!

Did you miss me?

I mean, I-is it him?
I-I'm not even sure. Who cares?

Because I missed you.
But mostly, I missed myself.

Because I just wasn't
myself without these guys.

♪ The right number of boys for you ♪

♪ Is four, four-ever ♪

♪ I'm back ♪

♪ The right number of boys for you ♪

- ♪ Is four, four-ever ♪
- Come on!

♪ One is the loneliest number ♪

♪ And tea for two is bland ♪

♪ Three's a crowd, so say it loud ♪

♪ Four, no more, is
where it's at 'cause ♪

♪ The right number of boys for you ♪

♪ Is four, forever ♪

- ♪ Why not five? ♪
- ♪ You'll feel alive ♪

- ♪ Or even six ♪
- ♪ Yeah, get your kicks ♪

- ♪ How about seven? ♪
- ♪ Sounds like heaven ♪

- ♪ Eight could be great ♪
- ♪ No pants in space ♪

♪ More, more, more forever ♪

- ♪ More, more, more forever. ♪
- Boys!

♪ The right number of boys for you ♪

♪ Is four, forever ♪

♪ The right number of boys for you ♪

♪ Is four, forever ♪

- ♪ How 'bout nine? ♪
- ♪ Sure, that's fine ♪

- ♪ Even ten? ♪
- ♪ Let's say ten then ♪

- ♪ Ooh, 11 ♪
- ♪ Still sounds like heaven ♪

- ♪ Maybe 12? ♪
- ♪ Girl, help yourself ♪

- ♪ Then there's 13 ♪
- ♪ Couldn't hurt-teen ♪

One, two, three, more!

♪ The right number of boys for you ♪

♪ Is four, forever. ♪