Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 4 - Sit Me Baby One More Time - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Everyone,

I'd like to invite
you to congratulate me

on my new business
venture. Here's my flier.

"Tina Belcher, professional babysitter.

"Good with children, bad
at math, but great at baths.

Nobody puts your baby in a corner." Aw.

It's time for me to go pro.

I'll have my very own business,

and I'll be the first
entrepreneur in the family.

- Um, we own a family business, but...
- Right.



- Yeah.
- What is it?

- Never mind.
- Wait a minute, did this all come about

because we watched Sound
of Music last night?

It may have had an influence.

♪ Bad at being a nun,
but great at having fun ♪

♪ With kids. ♪

Are you sure you're ready
for the big show, slugger?

Not all children are as
perfect as Gene and me.

I can handle anything.

Can you handle this?

Ha ha!

I'd like to think I can.

- You can't.
- Remember, Tina,

we need you to babysit here tonight



'cause we're using that
gift certificate I won

at the PTA raffle to go to
that hot new restaurant, Savory.

Don't worry, Mom, I
penciled you in for tonight.

I was hot and new once. Now look at me.

And copy.

And copy, and copy!

Just do your job, damn it!

Tina, gah! Respect the study hall.

Yeah, it's not called "copy hall."

It's bad enough Tammy's
trying to distract us

with her fancy new headband.

Yep. It's just a headband.
That's the whole story, the end.

Yeah, you guys, Tammy
doesn't want to talk about

how her parents stopped
paying for her hair dye,

and now she has real bad roots.

- Jocelyn!
- What?

Mr. Ambrose, will you help
me with the copy machine?

Oh, sure, I'd love to.

What are you even doing,
Tina? Let's all focus on that.

Well, Tammy, I happen to be
starting a babysitting business.

Tina, that's not a baby.

- No, I'm copying fliers for it.
- Oh.

That's weird, to make it
work, you have to turn it on.

- Oops.
- Yeah.

Well, who would want
to hire you, anyway?

People who like the smell your
mouth makes when words come out?

No, more like people who like people

whose hair is all the same color.

Oh, no, girls, stop fighting.

Keep going! Keep going!

People will hire me to
be a babysitter, Tammy,

because I'm nurturing and kind...

Things you wouldn't really understand.

I understand that
you're being a boob pube.

Or how about an analogy?

See, I'm a good person,
and you're horrible.

Not a great analogy.

Not even an analogy.

Shh! Girls, you go ahead.

But fight more fun for me.

One down, 149 to go.

Please don't ask us to help.
Please don't ask us to help.

Yeah, my hands don't work so good.

Look at 'em, flippin' around...

No, I... Tammy? What are you doing?

I'm gonna get neighborhood
babysitting jobs

to pay for my hair dye needs,

and there's nothing you can do about it.

Ugh! You're as dark as
your dark, dirty roots.

Okay, well...

- Well...
- Yeah, but it's kind of like...

- Good point, but...
- No, I understand you,

but I just kind of, like, I'm, like...

Well, consider this.

Is this the best use
of the fliers, guys?

- Oops. Oops again.
- Ah. Oh...

This is the wrong place
for your stupid fliers!

And now I'm running away...

Ah!

Okay, we'll leave you to it, then.

Okay, quick break.

I don't have to throw up at all,

but, um, if you need it...

- Hi. Hi, ma'am. Hi.
- Hello.

Oh, oh, hi.

My name is Tina.

Well, that's not really important.

- I'm Tammy...
- And I was just wondering...

- ... if you needed me to
be your babysitter. - Or me.

I have a lot of experience;

I wear glasses, so you
know I'm responsible.

And I don't wear glasses,
'cause I didn't lose my vision

like she would lose your baby.

Wow, coming in a little hot.

I guess we have been

looking for a babysitter for Kendra.

We're new to the area. I'm Catherine.

- Well, cool, cool, cool.
- I love your name.

I love it. I love that name.

Uh, want to leave me one of your fliers?

Yep, we do. And it is this one.

This is the flier.

No, more this one. Here you go.

Oh, no, I'm pretty sure that one's

trash for the garbage can.

N-No, lot of good stuff in there.

- Uh, please disregard the footprints.
- Or just throw it

- in the trash.
- Not technically part of the flier.

- 'Cause it's from the trash.
- Or don't.

- Belongs in the trash.
- Okay, got it, yep.

Linda,

I'm so excited for you.
Winning that gift certificate,

you give the rest of us hope.

Maybe a guy like me could
win a gift certificate.

Yeah, being in the PTA finally paid off.

Now it's date night at Savory, baby.

Oh, going to, uh, Savory, huh?

Yeah, they supposedly
have a good burger.

Have you heard of it?

What? No. I don't know.

Geez, what's with the third degree?

Um, okay.

All right, so I follow
ten to 40 burger blogs,

and they're raving
about the Savory burger.

So what? I'm just
looking. I'm not touching!

I got it.

Bob's Burgers / Tina's
Babysitting Service.

Child care this good is medium rare.

Hi, Catherine. No, this
is the right number.

Tonight? Uh, please hold.

Um, here's some hold
music. Gene, hold music.

On it. ♪ Zippity bop... ♪

Mom, can I please babysit
for Catherine tonight?

- Please?
- What? Tonight?

- No, Tina, it's date night.
- Please?

- Please, please, please.
- I was gonna put on makeup,

- and your dad was gonna go shower,
hopefully... - Please, please...

Okay, fine! I guess we can go to Savory

tomorrow night, right, Bob?

Sure, yeah, I'm... I'm
available every night.

Thank you. Thanks, Mom.

Uh, Gene, Gene.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

We're good to go. I'll
see you at 7:00. Bye.

That's how you freakin' do that, people!

Call us and we'll pick you up,

so you're not walking home after dark.

Oh, my God, Bob,

we should have checked to make sure

these people aren't murderers.

- What?
- Oh, right.

Is there a way to do that, or...

There may be an app,

- I don't know.
- What? Hmm.

Uh, never mind. It's probably fine.

Yeah, yeah, odds are totally fine.

- She'll be all right.
- Look, if you start getting murdered,

just call us. Right.

- Okay.
- And if we don't answer,

we're getting murdered.

Hi, it's me, Tina, from before.

Hello, Tina. Come on in.

We're so glad to have you both here.

Oh, um, me and your daughter?

- Tammy? No!
- Tina? What?!

- I mean, hi.
- I mean, hi, hi.

- How's it going?
- Good. Really good.

So, Chris and I thought
that since we're all

just kind of getting to know each other,

you two could work together tonight.

- Sure. Fine. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, we do only need one
babysitter in the future,

so we'll just see which one of you is

the right fit for Kendra.

You should know, our
daughter is very sensitive.

- Very special.
- Ever since we moved,

Kendra's had a hard time making friends.

- Oh, no.
- Yep.

Oh, God!

Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris.

He's been a little emotional lately.

Wow, that's so embarrassing.
I mean, not the crying.

The not having any friends.

I mean, everything's
great. You're all great.

It's all my fault.

It is. It is his fault.

We moved here for his job,

and it's just... it's
the girls at her school.

Monsters. B-words!

- Chris!
- Sorry.

They've been bullying Kendra.

And this one gal, Laurie, she...

She kicked Kendra in her tinkle-dink.

- Pardon?
- What now?

It's the word we use for crotch.

Okay. And that goes for
girls and boys, or...

Boys have a tinkle-dinker.

- Right.
- Obviously.

God darn you,

well-paying marketing
job that brought us here!

Okay...

... let's go introduce you to Kendra.

Hey, sweetie.

These are the babysitters...

Tammy and Tina.

- Hey, Kendra.
- Hey, girl.

It's me, the fun one.

- This is Mr. Boom Boom.
- Okay.

He's my best friend.

That's right, honey. Oh, God!

It breaks my heart.

- Chris, come on!
- We're on the clock, right?

We're getting paid for this moment
right now, right? Just checking.

You know, I was really looking forward

to going out to a
nice restaurant tonight

and being a fancy lady.

A hot, fancy lady with
a gift certificate.

Well, then, here's an idea.

Why not bring us with you?

I mean, you kind of owe it to us.

You won this dinner 'cause of the PTA?

Well, we made you the "P."

Yeah, we made you both "P."

Hmm, Louise does have a point.

Uh... oh, all right, let's go.

But I'm still drinking a lot of wine.

Said the world's best mom.

So we'll call to check on you in a bit,

and there's some frozen
pizzas for dinner.

- Okay, bye, girls.
- Bye.

Bye. Have fun, you crazy kids.

I know we will.

I'm gonna babysit the
crap out of this kid.

Well, I'm gonna babysit a
bigger crap out of this kid.

- Ew.
- Yeah.

Hi.

Hey, Kendra.

Mr. Boom Boom, one of them will be

my regular babysitter.

And one of them won't.

- What...
- Um, that's right, Kendra,

and Mr. Boom Boom.

So this is kind of like a contest.

- Mm-hmm.
- Hmm.

What should we make them do first?

What about a dance contest?

Kendra, I don't know if this is...

- Dance!
- Okay, okay.

Aw, look at our fancy family.

Ooh, I got to take a leak.

Bobby, if the waiter comes,

order me the salmon, but tell him

don't make it too fishy or squishy.

She said the same thing
at the Fishy Squishery.

We were so embarrassed.

- Is everybody ready?
- Uh, yes.

My wife will have the salmon,

and I'll have the burger.

Great. Our chef suggests
medium rare for the burger.

Okay. I mean,

that's what I was gonna say.

Oh, good.

So, I guess, tell the chef

that I agree with him.

He'll be so happy.

Hey, wha... huh?

Be a lamb and put me down

for the lamb shank.

A little shanky-panky.

And when you serve it to me,
refer to it as "shanky-panky."

And I'll take that
chicken thing. Looks great.

Dad, Gene and I are
going to go, um, explore.

You know us kids, so curious
about our surroundings.

Shanky-panky!

♪ And that's how you pee ♪

♪ In a restaurant, bum bum. ♪

Ooh, little ripe.

I think I might have some deodorant.

Mints, gum, lotion, tampons.

A bunch of Gene's old baby teeth.

Oh, I'm not a...

Huh.

Could I get a burger to go, please?

As quickly as possible.

Okay. I'll just take your menu.

- Mm-mm. Mm-mm. -
Just give... yeah.

Okay then.

Hey, Teddy. Hello.

- Gene, Louise.
- Yep.

Big time.

I thought date night got
changed to tomorrow night.

Does Bob know I'm here?

Bob doesn't know
anything about anything.

Ordered the burger, huh?

I just had to try it, okay? I swear,

I've never done this
kind of thing before.

Okay, a few times at a few restaurants

on numerous occasions, but
those meant nothing to me.

And then you walked back into our place

smelling like guilt
and other people's buns.

Oh, God.

Teddy, honey, baby,

no one has to know about this

if, um, I don't know,

you know, a chocolate
cake to-go shows up,

distracts me from saying anything.

Make that two.

And I wouldn't say nay
to a créme brûlée.

Green light!

Red light. Green light.

Red light!

Tina moved.

- No, he's lying!
- Ha!

What's the score, Mr. Boom Boom?

They're all tied... it's intense.

I want to play hide-and-seek.
You guys go hide.

And don't let this one find you first.

She's crazy.

Um, Mr. Boom Boom, you are so...

- ... cute.
- Run... !

One, two,

three...

Pretty good spot. No
one looks under a bed.

Why would you? Hmm.

"Kendra's secret stuff.
Not letters from school."

Might just sneak a peek.

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Stokes,
today on the playground,

Kendra kicked Laurie in the... "

Tammy? Tammy?

What? Tina, go away.

The office is my spot.
And also, if my spot

smells like farts, that is not me.

Tammy... Ugh! That's strong.

- It wasn't me.
- I found a box under Kendra's bed,

and it's full of incident
reports from her school.

She must have hidden
them from her parents.

She's not being bullied.

She is the bully.

She's the crotch kicker.

That totally makes
sense. She's super weird.

Kendra?

It's his office.

You keep doing that!

I enjoy it.

You weren't supposed
to look in that box.

But now that you did, you
know what I have to do?

Go sit quietly somewhere?

Kick you in...

the tinkle-dink!

Aah! Doesn't lock.

She's... so strong.

She's got bully strength!

Oh, no! That's probably her parents.

- Uh, you hold the door.
- Uh-huh. Great!

Hello?

Hi, Chris. Oh, yeah, doing good.

Yep, yep, uh... oh, you
want to say night-night?

- No!
- Oh, look at that.

She fell fast asleep.

- Oh, Mommy!
- Went out like a light.

Kids, huh?

Oh, goodness.

So, everything's great. Got to go.

Phew! Well, we checked this joint out.

- Seems up to code.
- And we didn't see anyone we know,

so that settles that.

Uh-huh. Oh. Uh, a lady's
going to the bathroom.

- I'll be right back.
- Uh, your-your mom's pretending

to be the bathroom attendant.

It's fine. It's a good date.

And our food's still not here--

I guess 'cause this place is so busy.

Huh. I didn't know restaurants got busy.

I'm trying to get some bread,

but I can't get anybody's attention.

Try opening your top button.

I'm gonna go ask somebody.

No, no. No, Dad, you sit.

Yeah, you look tired. And old.

Kids, let go of my arm.

Let go.

Go back to the table. Let g... Teddy?

- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh.

Uh, what are you doing?

Oh, I was just... I thought I dropped...

I thought I had an earring
and that I dropped it.

- On the ground.
- You had an earring on?

- I thought I had an earring.
- Oh.

I was... thinking of somebody else...

who has an earring.

Okay. So, wait, did you order yet?

'Cause, uh, we're sitting over there.

You could come sit with us.

I mean, I don't really
want to invite you,

but I guess I just did.

Right. Yes.

How thoughtful of you.

I-I-I just got to
go find my waiter.

Don't follow me!

Paper towel, ma'am?

How's it going in there, hon?

Chance of rain, or thunderstorms?

Kendra? Are you out there?

Mr. Boom Boom? You're awfully quiet.

What are they doing here?

I don't know. Maybe someone
texted them and said

that you said to come over
for pizza so that Kendra could

tell her parents that
you invited boys over,

but, I mean, who would, like, do that?

Tammy!

Hey, Tina. Where's the pizza party?

You invited boys over.

That's bad.

Tina did it, if anyone asks,
like your parents or whatever.

Boys have tinkle-dinkers.

They what? Why does that
girl talk like a gremlin?

Kicky, kicky.

- Uh, what's happening?
- No! Jimmy Jr.! Your tinkle-dinker!

- She's a crotch kicker!
- She's got us cornered!

Quick! The tree house!

Pull up the ladder!

She's pretty scary.

Yeah. She's like my
grandma at a yard sale,

going after our junk.

- And the salmon for the lady.
- Sorry, I'm back.

We ran out of tampons,
so I had to improvise.

Oh. Has Teddy been here the whole time?

The burger for you, sir.

- And your Caesar salad.
- Yep. That's what I ordered.

Oh...

Oh, here you are.

Here's your to-go order, sir.

Two desserts and our delicious burger.

- Uh-oh. - I-I don't know
what you're talking about!

I told you to meet me in the alley

in two hours wearing all black.

Yeah, but I didn't
want to do that, so bye.

Aah! Well, that waiter's clearly insane.

Poor schmuck.

Let me, uh, get that
dessert box out of your way.

Mm-hmm. Hey!

That other box seems like
it's in your way, too.

Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom. Hmm.

Okay. I think she went inside.

This is the worst pizza party ever.

There was never any pizza.

I just didn't expect
her to be such a monster.

I get it. You said she's new in school.

I been there, boy. It's
hard to make friends.

She just rejected them in their crotch

before they reject her in her heart.

- That's beautiful, Zeke.
- Preach.

Huh. I hadn't thought of it that way.

So, what do we do now, call her parents,

- or the police?
- No.

Julie Andrews wouldn't call any parents.

Julie Andrews would march
right back into that house,

and probably make clothes out
of all the curtains or something.

Wait, Tina, you're going back in there?

You don't have to go, Tammy;
leave this to a professional.

I don't want my crotch to get kicked,

but I also don't want
you to win anything ever.

Oh! I'm going with you.

Okay. We'll stay here.

Let us know how it turns out.

No, J-Ju! We're in this now!

We're stronger if we stick
our crotches together.

Okay, fine.

Wait. I know that I've said this a lot,
but this time I mean it.

We should put leaves in our underwear.

It's go time.

Uh-oh. I got twigs in my berries.

Okay. Here we go.

Zeke, I'm scared.

I know, buddy. That's
what makes us human.

Somebody call a lamb-ulance,
'cause I killed this thing!

- Teddy?
- Yeah?

- I know that's your burger.
- No, it's not.

Stop being weird, and
eat the burger. Please.

- I don't want to.
- Eat the burger.

- I don't want to eat it, Bobby.
- Eat it!

- I don't want to eat it!
- Eat the burger!

I'll take a bite! Is this
what you want? Huh?

Is this what you want,

- you sick bastard?!
- Yes!

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Oh, God!

I betrayed you,

I betrayed us...

with the burger!

God, Teddy, quit making
such a big deal out of it.

- I don't care.
- Uh...

- well, I mean, except when you do.
- What?

Well, we do have that
rule in our family.

Don't order a burger in front of Dad.

'Cause he's gonna ask
you what you think.

Then you have to say how bad it is,

or else he gets all sulky.

You turn into the Incredible Sulk.

What? That's-that's not true.

Do you like it?

- Yuck! No.
- It's really bad.

No!

What's the verdict?

- Awful!
- Ugh!

- Awful!
- Tastes like shoes!

Not bad.

- What?
- Get out of here! Are you insane?!

- I hate this!
- I wish I was dead!

Huh. I didn't realize that I did that.

Also, your neck is
weird. Not to pile on.

Where is she?

Tell you what, Kendra, this
time when you come at me,

I'm gonna do some Brazilian jiu-jitsu

- and roll you into a tiny donut.
- Zeke.

Uh-oh. She's behind me, isn't she?

That's her thing.

Hello.

The jiu-jitsu, Zeke!

Okay, all right, I'll do it!

Zeke, no! Kendra, please, listen,

don't be a bully, it's not good.

The world already has enough bullies.

I mean, we've got Tammy.

Oh, um, whoa, what?

I'm a bully? Tina,
you're the one who said

that I would make a
bad babysitter, and then

- you called me "horrible."
- That was pretty harsh, T-bird.

Just because you have glasses
doesn't mean you're not a bully.

And just because I'm
beautiful doesn't mean

I don't have feelings.

Oh, wow. This whole time

I pictured myself as
the Julie Andrews type,

but maybe I'm more like...

The Nazis?

Oh, no. Is there another villain?

Well, anyway, Tammy,

I... am sorry I called you "horrible."

And I am also sorry that
you called me "horrible."

Are you guys finished?
'Cause I got my foot

all ready for some kickin'.

Kendra, look,

maybe we all have a
little bully inside of us.

Maybe when we think people
are being mean to us,

it can make us mean.

But even if people
are horri... difficult,

we have to resist.

We have to try to be nice.

Maybe it'll bring out
the nice in other people.

- Right, Tammy?
- Ugh!

You talk like homework.

And eventually, Kendra,

when the right person comes along,

maybe you'll find a
friend who's not a bear.

No offense, Mr. Boom Boom.

Do it, do it, do it, kick, kick, kick.

Oh, my dink.

Okay, now I'm good.

Wait. One more.

Oh, Nellie...

So, everyone, I-I thought
about what you guys said,

and I'm not gonna do that anymore.

I-I don't want to be that guy.

- Oh. Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh. Okay.

Yep. And so that is over.

All right. So, moving on,

I do have some thoughts
about the burger,

but I'd like to hear first from Teddy.

So? Teddy?

- Yeah?
- What'd you think?

- I...
- No.

- Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Teddy, no. It's a trap.

Teddy, don't listen to them.

I seriously really want
to know your opinion.

Uh, uh...

I'm not doing the thing
that I was doing before.

I really want to know.

- No, I know. Uh...
- Teddy, run.

- So why don't you tell me.
- Just run.

Run, Teddy. Run, run. Don't look back.
Teddy, go.

I... I... I... I, uh...

I hated it?

Yeah? Me, too.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

It was... it was...

- it was a little dry, right?
- Yeah, so dry.

The bun was okay, though.

- Teddy, no!
- Teddy! Teddy, no!

I have some really bad news.

The gift certificate
didn't cover the bill.

You still owe $35.

I got it!

- Is this too tight?
- No, it kind of feels good.

Oh, no! It's her parents!

Boys! Turn invisible,
or drop out the window!

- Let's go window!
- Tammy, stall them.

Hi! How was the movie?

Tell me every single plot point.

What was the movie about?

Hey, let's see who can make
the funniest faces! Go!

We just want to look in on Kendra.

N-N-No! I mean, yes. Because
she's-she's sleeping so beautifully.

Okay, no monsters under there.
Kendra wanted me to check.

Oh, she's asleep. That's
good. Shh, shh, shh.

How was the movie?

Okay, thanks, girls.

Hey, maybe we'll hire you
guys as a team again next time.

Well, we did it. And, Tammy,

if we can do that together,
then there's nothing

- we can't do together.
- Boring. Later, fudge-butt.

There's my little Cutie Andrews.

- How'd it go, Tina?
- Oh, nothing I couldn't handle.

Speaking of handles, what's, um...

- what's going on down there?
- Oh, right.

Okay, that's odd.

So that's where leaves come from!

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.