Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 3 - The Wolf of Wharf Street - full transcript

♪ ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

OLSEN: It's been called
the Beast of the Bay,

The Monster of the Marina

and the Wonder Wolf.

But whatever you call it,

it's allegedly extremely dangerous

and allegedly out for
blood, wreaking alleged havoc

on our quiet little
community, allegedly.

And it seems to be scaring
the trick-or-treaters

out of town this year



on what promises to be a foggy night.

Meanwhile, the alpaca has gone missing

from the Wonder Wharf petting zoo.

I'm here with Calvin
and Felix Fischoeder.

Could the alpaca have been a victim

of this so-called Wonder Wolf?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm sure the alpaca just
went on a little walkabout.

Yes, that checks out.

The town is perfectly safe.

All the little children should
go out trick-or-treating...

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- and then come spend their

parents' money... I mean, come to
Wonder Wharf and, well, you know.

If you are braving the
local streets for treats,



parents are advised
to accompany their kids

just in case this beast
is more than just a rumor.

- It's not.
- Oh. No.

♪ Guess who's comin' in the room ♪

♪ With the fancy costume? ♪

Um, what are you?

I'm a Cher-iff. Get it?

- Like Cher, but a sheriff.
- Hmm.

I got handcuffs, a badge and a
body that just refuses to age.

(gasps) Oh, I love her.

- "Snap out of it!"
- Hmm?

- From the movie.
- Mm.

You know, if you weren't
on a bunch of pain pills,

you'd be cracking up right now.

I think those are making you less fun.

Probably a side effect.

See? "Take with food.

Can cause hallucinations and diarrhea."

Well, I don't have either
of those except diarrhea,

so give me one.

Fine, but just one.

- You get weird on pain pills.
- Mm.

Remember the time you thought
the rug was making fun of you?

Or the time you took nighttime aspirin

and you ended up peeing in the blender?

You almost ruined that smoothie, Bob.

First of all, I do not
remember any of that.

Second, you should've
thrown that smoothie out

if that ever happened.

And third, what am I
supposed to do if I'm in pain?

The-the pills are great for that.

So... (clucks tongue)

... give me my drugs, officer.

Okay. If you want to
be a paranoid Patty.

- (doorbell rings)
- Aah! What was that?

The doorbell. Calm down.

Right, right. Doorbell.

LINDA: Coming!

Hold your candy corns!

- (door opens)
- (Teddy laughs)

TEDDY: Oh, a Cher-iff.

Oh, that is great.

Doesn't Teddy look hot?

I thought I ordered a scary nurse,

but I guess I clicked
on sexy nurse instead.

Sometimes the universe
decides, you know?

Anyway, Nurse Teddy is here
to take care of you, Bob.

Uh, Linda, what is he talking about?

I told you, Bob, I have to go out

trick-or-treating with the kids

just in case the imaginary wolf is real.

Teddy's gonna keep an eye on you.

You aren't very good on
those crutches, mister.

He fell down twice today
trying to go to the bathroom.

(scoffs) I'm fine, Lin.

I'll help him get into
the bathroom, no problem.

You can count on me.

I'll even hold your penis
if you need me to, Bob.

I don't need you to
hold my penis, Teddy.

Well, then I can just, you know,

I can just prop it up for you.

Use a broom handle or
a dustpan or something.

I guess a spatula would work.

Great, uh, where's the spatulas?

I'm joking, Teddy.

I don't need you to hold
my penis up with a spatula.

Right, right, I knew that.

So, how'd you mess your knee up, anyway?

It's a long story.

Hey, my old chef pants. I love these.

I wonder if I can still get into them.

(grunts)

Ow! Ow!

So not that long a story.

- No, I guess not.
- GENE: (sings fanfare)

Get ready for your
favorite fruity boy, Gene.

Ooh, grapes.

Handsome grapes.

Sorry, handsome grapes.

Hey, hey, you're The Monkees.

Peter, maybe? With an oxygen tank?

No, Mom, I'm the guy from
No Country for Old Men.

LINDA: Ooh, a hunky killer.

The best kind, huh?

Ooh, Tina's a zombie

wearing my clothes for some reason.

Yeah, I'm a Mom-bie.

But you don't look like a mom

in those clothes; you
look fun and youthful.

In these jeans? No, I look like a mom.

Young, fun mom.

Well, enough chitchat.
We're burning precious candy time.

See you sometime before dawn.

Okay, let me just go spray my hair

one more time, and then I'm ready.

Why would you need to go spray your hair

for us to go
trick-or-treating?

LINDA: Because I'm coming with you.

Uh, no? Sorry, Mother.

You must be this young to
ride the trick-or-treat train.

Yeah, maybe you
should trick-or-treat

with some friends your own age, Mom.

Tonight's about fun.

You don't bring a mom to a fun fight.

What? I'm fun.

Plus, I got to protect
you from that wolf

that's terrorizing the town,
but probably isn't real.

Ugh, I'd be so embarrassed
if you kids got eaten.

(sighs) Fine. But don't try too hard.

And don't try too hard
at not trying too hard.

I'm gonna be so fun, you're gonna wish

I trick-or-treated with you every night.

All right, let's get treatin'.

Yeah, let's turn some tricks.

Gene, don't say that.

Bye, bye, bye, bye. Stay out of my room.

TEDDY: You got it, Mrs. B.

- So, what do you want to do?
- (door closes)

You can still thumb wrestle, right?

Best out of 31?

Uh, I was just gonna watch TV, Teddy.

Okay. Or we could watch TV. Sure.

ANNOUNCER: And now,
our Halloween feature,

Bosom Bloodies.

Ooh, Bosom Bloodies. I read the books.

And coming up at 10:00, an
update on the Wonder Wolf.

Ooh.

- What was that?
- What was what?

Th-That howl.

I just said, "Ooh."

Oh. Oh, okay.

Jeez, you're jumpy, Bob.

You're jumpy, Bob.

ALL: Trick or treat!

Sorry I don't have candy.

The news said that no one
would be out trick-or-treating

because of the wolf.

Yeah, we heard.

Kids, what do you say?

KIDS: Thank you.

At least apples are edible.
I don't know what I'm gonna do

with all these twist ties
from that other house.

This is bull. I want candy. I'm a kid!

It's not like I can just go
out and buy it whenever I want.

Well, maybe the next
block will be better.

LOUISE: Damn it! (sighs)

Should we just go home
and eat spoonfuls of sugar?

TINA: I know where there's
a hummingbird feeder.

GENE: I'm ready for tub and tuck in.

What? Are you kidding me?

We're not Hallo-quitters,
we're Hallo-winners.

But no houses are
giving out candy, woman.

We don't need candy to have fun.

You shut your damn mouth.

Hey! Isn't that the park

where people keep
seeing the Wonder Wolf?

Why don't we go over there and find it.

Searching for a wolf is a
great fun Halloween adventure.

I know this is gonna sound crazy,

but I'm scared of wolves.

Yeah, seems dangerous.

That wolf would probably love to eat

a plump, perfect boy like moi.

Come on. Are you guys coming?

(teasingly): Or are you too scared?

Fine, but I'm gonna walk in the middle

to protect my beautiful grapes,

and for once, I'm not
talking about my testicles.

LOUISE: I guess it's kind of
a good Halloween thing to do.

But if don't see a wolf,
I want my money back.

All right! Hello, lady Bob.

Hey, Mr. Fischoeder.

You out trick-or-treatin'?
Smellin' feetin'?

We're out looking for our alpaca, Al.

Have you seen him?

No. We're going to look for the wolf.

- (laughs): The wolf.
- Wolves aren't real, Linda.

Okay, well, we're gonna
go look for one anyway

because it's a fun Halloween adventure,

and I'm a fun mom.

Well, if I were you,

I'd go home and count your candy

and wait for St. Nick or Satan.

Whatever. I-I can... Bye.

(woman screams)

(gasps) Oh!

Here you go, Bob. It's a cabbage soup

that's supposed to heal the body.

I got the recipe from a pop-up ad.

I just put in my social
security number and there it was.

I'm not really in a soup
mood. That's impossible.

- I'm gonna feed it to you.
- No, no, just give it to me. I...

- I'm gonna feed it to you.
- I don't want you to do that.

Just let me feed it to you.

Here comes the helicopter.

Open up your mouth, Bobby.
Here it comes.

- Uh-huh. Uh...
- Traffic copter. Here he comes.

- Oh, you got a little...
- What do you mean the traffic copter?

It's just... It's a traffic copter.

- It's flying into your mouth here.
- Why does it...

Just a regular helicopter
is usually the way. Just...

It's a traffic copter. You got
a little bit of a back up... Okay.

- ... here on 95.
- All right, all right, all right.

If you're traveling north...

- Whatever type of helicopter you want.
- If you could just...

- Let me do my thing, Bobby!
- Fine.

- Oh. Ow! Ow!
- What? What? What? What?

It's too hot. I'll blow
on it a little bit here.

(blowing)

- Teddy, you're spitting on it.
- No, I'm not. I-I'm blowing on it.

You're going... (blows raspberry)

- This is how I blow.
- What's that mark

on your arm?

What mark? I don't...

There's no mark on my arm.

You just covered it with your sleeve.

Looks like a bite. No, it's not a bite.

It's dry skin. You
ever heard of dry skin?

- Ow! Still way too hot, Teddy.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This is, like, room
temperature now, Bobby.

- Do you think that's room temperature?
- Yes.

- Stick your finger in it.
- Okay.

(both scream)

It's fine. It's fine.

LINDA: Ooh, look, a bone.

Must be from some animal

the wolf killed and devoured.

I think that's a hanger, Mom?

No, it's a bone.

It's a little metal bone
with dry cleaning paper on it.

This is dumb. There's no wolf.

Let's just go home and
trade apples with each other

- till we die of boredom.
- Yeah.

Okay, fine. I tried.

(wolf howls)

- Mmm?
- Whoa.

- Mom, did you do that?
- No.

That did sound like one
of Mom's chardonnay farts.

I don't think that was a real howl.

- (wolf howls)
- (gasps)

Well, howl-lelujah.

I guess the Wonder Wolf is real.

I got to give you credit, toots.

I thought you were the
mom that cried wolf,

but I think this guy's the real deal.

And that's a good
thing. (laughs nervously)

Because we want it to be real.

Yeah, yeah, we want it to be.

Of course we do.

Everyone stay close to Mommy.

Okay. I always wanted
to be raised by wolves,

but getting adopted by one at
this age would also be cool.

Getting a little foggy out. I like it.

It's nice and spooky.

- (wolf howls)
- (gasps)

- Whoa.
- Wow.

I'm not saying I'm impressed,

but I'm not not impressed.

It came from over there, let's go.

LINDA: ♪ Going over there ♪

♪ It's getting kind of real ♪

♪ But the kids are having fun ♪

♪ So we're going over there. ♪

LOUISE: All right,
not so much singing.

Oh, sorry.

Teddy, my knee really hurts.

- Ca-Can you hand me another pill?
- Uh, I don't know, Bob.

Linda didn't say anything
about giving you another pill.

Yeah, well, she's
forgetful. I mean, look,

- she forgot her handcuffs.
- Yeah, I don't, uh...

I don't think that's
a good idea, Bobby.

Come on, Teddy. I'm in pain.

I don't know. How many
have you had tonight?

Maybe one and a half, or two.

Are you sure you don't
want one for your bite?

It looks serious.

I-I don't need a pill for my bite.

Wait, you said it wasn't a bite.

It's not. You called it that.

Watch the movie, huh, Bob?

- Give me a pill.
- Fine.

Here, I'm gonna cut this in half.

- Eat both halves.
- That's a weird way

of regulating how much I take.

Well, then I know you
at least had two halves.

Look at us tracking a wild animal

like it's no big deal.

Yeah, I haven't had this much fun

following in somebody's footsteps

since I started dressing like Mom.

- Earlier today.
- LOUISE: Oh, my God, you guys.

- Poop.
- Okay, I'll see what I can do.

- Short notice.
- No, I think it's the wolf's poop.

Ooh, a spooky poopy.

There's little bits of fur in it.

This was definitely
not pooped by a person.

But if it was, I admire the heck
out of them.

(loud rustling)

- (all scream)
- Oh, God.

It came from right over there.

Okay, I think he's...

- TINA: Or she's.
- Or she's behind that bush.

(door creaks on TV)

Oh, no, no, don't go in there.

(panting)

(distorted): Oh, no! You went in.

He went in!

Uh, uh, are you sure
that's not a bite, Teddy?

Like, from an animal?

No. How many times I got to say it?

Okay. Then-then wh... Then what is it?

I cut it... on my... pillow.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom now.

If that's okay with you.

And number one, since you're so nosy.

ANNOUNCER: Was the Wonder
Wolf just a Wonder myth?

Stay tuned after our
feature presentation.

(whispers): The wolf.

Teddy's a werewolf.

TEDDY: What'd you say, Bob?

Nothing.

No, he can't be.

He can't be a werewolf, that's crazy.

(Teddy growling)

Oh, no. He's transforming.

He's transforming.

- (Bob groans)
- (Teddy growling)

(grunting)

(Bob groaning)

Oh, God.

(groans)

Oh, hi, Teddy.

- You okay? You look sweaty.
- Yeah. It's just, uh,

an exciting part of the movie.

I-I think something's
gonna happen to somebody.

- You're probably right.
- Yeah, definitely.

- (grunts)
- Oh, God.

Oh, my God. Bob! Bob!

- Ah-ha! Gotcha!
- (Teddy yells)

Bob, what? Why? Why'd you do that?

- Because you're a werewolf, Teddy.
- (grunts)

I heard you fighting
the beast inside you.

- What?
- You're the Wonder Wolf!

Or he bit you and
you're turning into one.

Or you bit him. Bob...

Or, or however this all works.

Bob... (grunts) unlock me.

(grunts) Unlock me!

You need to sit down.
You need to rest your leg.

Give me the keys, come on.

Oh. This isn't funny.

Oh. These keys? (gulps)

(mouth full): No way.
Because I'm swallowing them.

(gags and coughs)

No. Wait, that's impossible.

(coughs) Ugh. How do
people do that in movies?

(grunts)

Bob, don't try to go down the stairs.

- (Bob screams)
- (clattering down stairs)

- BOB: Ow, ow!
- (Teddy grunting)

- Are you okay?
- (Bob shouting)

Bobby, answer me. (grunts)

No, I'm fine, Teddy. I
only fell halfway Dow...

(Bob screams) Ow...

Ow! Ow! (groans)

Oh, God!

Are you at the bottom of the stairs now?

Wouldn't you like to kno...

(Bob screams)

Bob, talk to me. Say something.

Don't pretend like you
care about me, werewolf.

- No, Bob. No, Bobby, don't leave!
- (door closes)

What'll we do now, Mom?

We are gonna take a picture
of the wolf on my phone,

from a very, very safe
distance, and then run away.

GENE: Oh, God. It's rustling again.

What kind of a monster
rustles this much?

(moans)

I'm gonna go over and
pull the branches back.

You kids stay back here
and take the picture,

and then run away.

Okay, here we go.

"Spooky Halloween adventure

with a fun mom" on three.

One, two...

... three. (yells)

(all scream)

LINDA: Randy.

LOUISE: Dad's frenemy?

TINA: Slash filmmaker?

Slash wolf hunter.

Slash your fly's down.

Slash made you look at your ding-dong.

The wolf is right...
there. Did you see it?

- Uh...
- No.

- See what?
- The wolf.

Right there. The wolf is in that shot.

The shot that's completely black?

Yes. I forgot a light,
but that doesn't mean he's not there.

- Or she.
- Wait.

Do you really think this
wolf or whatever is real?

You saw it? Oh, it's
real. I'm pretty sure.

I'm convinced.

Yep. And I'm gonna be the guy

who gets the footage to prove it.

I'll be famous. I'll be "The Wolf Guy."

My documentary will
make millions of dollars,

and I'll probably get a wife.

Millions of dollars, huh? Randy, baby.

Why don't we work out a deal?

We help you get this thing on film,

and then we split the money 50-50.

Why would I want to team up with you?

We've got light. We've got gumption.

And we all want wives, too.

I'm gonna name mine "Michelle."

Kids, maybe we should just
let Randy find the wolf,

and then we'll go see
the movie when it's done.

Well, I do need light.

Yeah. You do.

Okay, you can help.

- Uh, hmm, all right.
- But I get to pick

- where we have the premiere.
- No, you don't.

- TINA: Hey, we could have it
at the restaurant. - Fine.

But let's get it catered.

RANDY: Ooh, yes. And a photo booth.

(panting) Okay.

Okay, I got to find someone to help me.

Oh, that was smart of me to
chain him to the coffee table.

Smart of me and dumb of him.

Dumb werewolf Teddy. (laughs)

(pants and grunts)

Bob, I'm coming!

Oh, no. Oh, no.

(pants)

(panting)

(grunting)

(breathless): Wow, running
with a coffee table's hard.

No wonder no one does that.

(gasping)

(gasping): Bobby! Bob!

You can't get away, Bob.

(groaning): I'll find you.

I'm gonna help you.

(breathless): Good evening.

Happy Halloween.

I'm a nurse table, table nurse.

Farewell. (laughs)

LINDA: Maybe we should head home soon.

It's getting late and we've
already had so much fun.

(scoffs) Home is for idiots.

Yeah. We're wolf hunters now.

Our old lives were garbage.

I thought mine was okay,
but I see what you mean.

Okay. Here's a wolf-hunting tip.

See the way these leaves
are all on the ground?

Probably the wolf came through
here and knocked them all down.

Aren't those just fall leaves?

Fall leaves, at this time of year?

- Don't be ridiculous.
- (screeching)

- (gasps)
- (quietly): What the hell was that?

- The wolf.
- No. Wolves howl. That was not a howl.

It sounded like the noise I made

when Felicity cut her hair.

What if this isn't just a wolf?

Maybe it's a super
wolf or a monster wolf.

- (gasps) A werewolf.
- (screeching)

Well, whatever it is, it
sounds like it's in there.

TINA: Oh, that spooky, overgrown area

that looks like it's
full of Blair Witches?

LOUISE: Yep. And we're going
into that overgrown Blair Witch tunnel.

Right, Mom?

Yeah, of course we are.

I said we were going, so
we are. So, yeah, yeah.

GENE: And with that rousing
speech, we march to our deaths.

(grunts)

TEDDY: Bob!

Bob, I'm coming!

(laughs) I know you're
coming, wolf-Teddy.

That's why I'm going...

into the park.

I'll hide in there.

Good job, Bob. Thank you.

What is this place?

Huh. Is this a dead end?

Don't be silly, Linda.

There aren't dead ends in the woods.

You can just walk right into the...

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Okay, so it's a dead end.

Guys, guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys, guys.

(all scream)

I don't like piles of bones
unless they're on a plate

in front of me and I'm rubbing
my stomach, going, "Mmm-mmm."

(screeching)

Oh, God, it's getting closer.

Randy, get the camera ready.

Uh...

Dammit, Randy.

If you had been holding something,

you would have dropped it
out of fright, too, Louise.

- I'm holding two things.
- (rustling)

- Oh, God.
- (moans)

- Kids, get behind me.
- And I'll get behind them.

- Randy, no, you're a grown-up.
- Not in all ways, Linda.

I wear a youth large at Forever 21.

- (screeching)
- RANDY: Oh, God. Oh, God.

I'm really regretting
sprinkling cinnamon and sugar

on myself this morning.

Oh, my God. I brought my
kids out into the dark woods

on purpose to look
for a dangerous animal,

just because I wanted you
guys to think I was fun.

Now I think I might have made a mistake,

and it would have been better
if we weren't attacked by a wolf.

Guys, maybe if we're all
just really, really quiet,

the wolf will lose interest and go away.

It's worth a try.

(balloons pop, Gene yells)

- Gene.
- Sorry.

If we all die, everybody,
thanks for being cool.

You're welcome.

- Oh, Randy. I forgot you were here.
- Mm.

Okay, that's it.

Kids, you stay here.

I'm going to fight this thing.

Good idea. You go get it, Linda.

Mother, I've never been
more attracted to you.

I'll fight it off as long as I can,

and then when I can't fight anymore,

I'll try to be hard to eat
so you guys can get away.

GENE: Okay.

Oh, my God.

(all screaming)

(screams)

LOUISE: What the... ?

Are you freaking kidding me?

Wolves these days, not what I remember.

I think it's the alpaca
from the petting zoo.

So there was no wolf?

Huh, I guess not,

but this guy's kind of fun,

in a matted hair, lice-y kind of way.

I'm gonna pet him.

Hi, cutie. What's your...

- (screeches)
- Oh, never mind, never mind.

♪ ♪

- TEDDY: Bob!
- BOB: Oh, no. He found me.

(grunting and panting)

(rustling)

Teddy?

(growls, snarls)

Uh...

There you are, Lulu. You naughty girl.

You're gonna get daddy in trouble

(laughs): escaping like that.

I told you you weren't
ready to have a wolf, Felix.

I am ready.

The wolf house I was
building wasn't ready.

And I am not putting
her up in a hotel again!

Oh, just hurry up and
put her into the van.

We still have to find
that damned alpaca.

Come on, Lulu. I brought
a Hawaiian pizza for you.

- (sniffs)
- (singsongy): Your favorite.

- (Lulu whines)
- There we go.

Go, go, go, go, Calvin.

I'm going!

Yay!

(Teddy panting)

Bob, don't run.

(strained voice): Wolf.

I know, I know, Bob.

I'm a wolf.

But let's go home and
talk about it there, okay?

I just saw a wolf.

Sure, sure. You-you saw a wolf.

You don't happen to have the
handcuff keys, do you, Bobby?

Huh? You know what? Never mind.

I have to carry this
back anyway. (grunts)

Look, I know the pills
made me crazy before,

but in my defense, Teddy
does have a bite on his arm,

and hair all over the back of his neck.

I do have a bite. I was
embarrassed to tell you

that I bit myself in my sleep.

I used to do it in my 20s,
and then again in my 30s,

and now, apparently, it's back.

Someone needs to be swaddled.

Or just bite your arms during the day,

so you won't be as tempted at night.

(sighs) Well, sorry, kids.

This Halloween was kind of a bust.

You didn't get any candy
and there wasn't a wolf.

(groans) There was.

No. It was an alpaca.

I mean, a wolf in our little town?

It's crazy.

This isn't Transylvania.

Yeah, but there was almost a wolf.

And we thought we were gonna die.

That was fun.

Wait. Are you saying
you had fun with me?

We're saying we had fun around you.

That counts.

There was a wolf. I saw it.

The Fischoeders put it in their van.

This again.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, Bob, Bob.

I did see a wolf.

Hey. I believe you, Bob.

Randy, I don't want you to be offended,

but I need someone other
than you to believe me.

Well, I am offended.

Are you going home, Randy?

Not now. Now I'm staying forever.

Me, too, because I'm handcuffed

to your coffee table
and you lost the keys.

I-I didn't lose them, Teddy.

I threw them to the moon.

It made sense at the time.

All right. I'll get you guys
some sheets and blankets.

No, Linda. They're not staying.

RANDY: Can I borrow some pajamas,
Bob? Maybe an oversized tee?

BOB: Absolutely not.

GENE: I've got your
oversized tee, Randy.

- One question: do you like Betty Boop?
- RANDY: Yep.

(Linda growling rhythmically)

All right! (cackles)

♪ Who's a fun mom on Halloween? ♪

♪ She does spooky things
and she looks really young ♪

♪ Who's a fun mom on Halloween? ♪

♪ She does spooky things
and she looks real young ♪

♪ It's Halloween, it's Halloween ♪

♪ It's Halloween, it's Halloween ♪

♪ Hall... ow... eeen ♪ (vocalizing)

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.