Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 20 - Mission Impos-Slug-Ble - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

LOUISE: Feast your eyes.
My Burobu card collection.

So, Burobu's like Pokémon,
but just everybody's a slug?

- Uh, yeah.
- Finally.

TINA: Why are there three empty slots?

Because I'm missing three of
the nine stages of Slugodactyl.

My favorite slug.

Gah, can you believe this collection's

taken me two and a half years to build?

Buying all these card packs,
making all these trades...

Nerd. I-I mean... wow.



Yeah, well, guess what.
Now I have a new plan.

- Get another hobby?
- No.

I'm gonna speed things up
with these less-than-authentic

Burobu cards I found online.

TINA:
- Are they blurry?

Only if you look at them.

Here's the thing, these
are all Mega Ultra.

When I trade with these,
mama gets what mama wants.

Mega Ultra Macho Slugmarine. Brag.

Don't touch it too hard. The
ink's not the kind that dries.

So, I'm gonna take a few
of these to school Monday,

make some trades, get those
last three Slugodactyls,

and my empire will be complete.

ALL: Yay!



Wait, didn't you say those
cards got banned from school?

Yeah, we got a little out of control.

Stop it.

Put 'em away.

KIDS: I pledge allegiance to the flag...

Son of a... All right,
you punks, that's it.

Those cards are banned.

If I see 'em again, it's detention

and I'm confiscating them.
Now apologize to America.

But relax, we're not doing
the trades until after school.

So there's my plan.
Feedback? Praise? Yes, Tina.

It seems sort of... dishonest.

I mean, those cards are fake, right?

Oh, I don't like the "F" word.

I prefer non-official,
non-approved, m'kay? Uh, Tina.

Now can we talk about our study
buddy time together tomorrow?

I have some ideas.

- Let's try to keep it on Burobu for
now, huh? Okay? - Okay.

- That's what we're doing in my
room right now. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

- Okay.
- Okay. Uh, yes, Gene.

Did John Lithgow play John
Larroquette in a movie,

or was that just a dream?

- Oh, that's a good one. Uh...
- Yeah.

I thought you were only
doing Burobu questions.

- I know, but that's interesting.
- LINDA: Kids! Dinner!

What were you kids doing?

Well, Louise is really
excited about her Burobu cards,

but what some people
think is more exciting

is we're gonna be
study buddies tomorrow.

- Oh, yeah.
- Uh, what are you two gonna be studying?

We're supposed to
help them with homework

from the class they just had. So, math.

Oh, boy. -
Oh, God. -What?

It's just, Tina, when
it comes to math, you...

- are... bad at it.
- Have room for improvement?

Don't worry. I think I've
found someone to help.

Oh, look, she's here now.

'Sup? I'm Mathy Cathy from the
mean streets of Fraction Town.

Sure, math is tough, but so am I.

- Hmm.
- Damn!

I already feel like I know more math.

- (phone ringing)
- Hello.

Listen, kid. Sometimes on the streets,

- stuff doesn't add up.
- Yup.

- Things can get negative.
- Yup. Yup.

(sighs) Okay, fine. B... Uh, bye.

What was that about?

Harry, the pickle guy we
used to go to... he died.

(gasp) Oh, no! Poor
Harry and his pickles.

That was his lawyer on the phone.

Apparently, in his will,

Harry requested that
I speak at the funeral.

- Oh, no.
- Yeah.

He must have forgotten to take
me out of his will after...

The incident.

- Okay. Don't say "the incident" like
that. - Wha... ?

Whoa, whoa, wait, what incident?

Which one of us is
the pickle man's child?

I don't want to talk about it.

Dad, would you be more
comfortable telling...

Mathy Cathy? 'Cause,
man, I've seen some stuff.

Thank you, Cathy, but no.

LABONZ: Okay, students,

Mr. Ambrose is gonna watch
you during study buddy time

while I go outside to not
smoke several cigarettes.

Okay, do your math or
whatever. I don't know.

You're never gonna
use it. I never use it.

All right, tiny Andy,

you want to get into
some fraction action?

Half of me does.

Zeke, do you want to
draw stuff on my arm?

Oh, man! Dang, do I ever! Come on.

- Ow. Not with your pencil!
- Give me that arm. Give it to me!

- Ow! Zeke, that hurts!
- Come on. Give it to me! Come on.

Two-thirds plus four-fifths.

The age-old question, huh, Tammy?

- Ooh... No, thanks.
- Okay.

Jocelyn, braid my hair.

Okay. Which one?

Hey, Louise, your sister told me

you had a beef with some homework.

Whoops. Little mishap.

Okay, Louise, two hours
till school's over.

Then you can trade. You can make it.

(strained): You can make it.

No, you can't.

Hey, Rudy, Large Tommy, Andy, Ollie.

You know how we were gonna do that

Burobu trade sesh after school?

- Yup. - Yeah.
-Big time.

What if we go back behind that shelf

and do it right now?

No way. We'll get detention and
the cards will be confiscated.

- Yeah, they'll get constipated.
- No.

Rudy, come on.

Wow. That's a powerful
argument. Yeah, okay, I'm in.

Whew, I'm back. Now let's
open up a can of whoop-ass

on these fractions, huh, kid?

Actually, you'd, uh, really
be helping old Cathy out

if you read aloud the problems.

So, Tina, Cathy, whatever, look.

We're gonna hit the back corner
for a quick Burobu moment,

and I need you to be on the lookout.

What? Now? No, we'll get in trouble.

Tina, I'm over here.

Oh. What? Now? No, we'll get in trouble.

Come on, Tina. Get my back.

Mathy Cathy would be
down with it, right?

- Yeah. She's always down.
- Yeah.

Okay, so if anyone comes,
just make a loud fart noise

with your face or your butt
or whatever feels right.

Let's go. Come on.

So we're just gonna go
read something from a book.

Seems like a waste of
time, but, sure, go nuts.

What do I care? I'd rather go home.

- I don't know what I'm doing.
- (nervous groan)

MORT: So, Bob, you gonna be ready

for Harry's service at
my place Tuesday night?

Why is it at night, anyway?

I think Harry wanted all the
other farmers market people

to be able to go, after
they finish packing

their unsold rhubarb.

Ugh. All the farmer
people are gonna be there.

Right! They all saw... the incident.

- Lin, stop.
- Incident.

- Wh-What incident?
- (sighs) Okay, fine. I'll tell you.

I bought from Harry for about ten years.

We were friends, farmers market friends.

And then one day,

I said maybe his latest
bath of sweet pickles

was a little too sweet,
and he didn't take it well.

He started throwing pickles
at me, and I retaliated.

I picked up a pickle and I threw it

at that 80-year-old man's face.

Oh, my God. Is that how he died?

No, Teddy, that was four years ago.

He just died recently, remember?

Oh, right. Probably
didn't help, though, huh?

It's true.

Andy and Ollie, I think
you'll be very happy

with this Mega Ultra Slugerantula.

I'm gonna rub it on my
belly to get my scent on it.

Me, too. Then we'll be its mom.

Uh, hey, not so much
rubbing, okay? Enjoy.

Why do these smell like gasoline?

Oh, that's, uh, a new thing.

- Oh, interesting.
- Yeah.

(door opens)

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

- Hey there.
- Oh, God, no.

So, I just wanted to,
uh, super casually ask you

if you'd heard anything
about some faculty folks

getting together for a
Martini Tuesday kind of thing?

- Oh, Martuesdays? Nope. Sorry.
- I... Oh. Oh. Because...

Oh, my God. This cart of books

-has to be anywhere else right now.
- Nuts.

Oh, thank God.

- Ah! Okay. (weak fart noise)
- What the... ?

Eighth graders, where are
all the fourth graders?

They're living their lives.

- Tina? Tina?
- (weak fart noises)

- Where are your study buddies?
- Uh...

Okay, Louise, I guess you've got a deal.

Yes! All nine Slugodactyls are mine.

- Got you!
- (kids gasp)

I'm taking those cards.
Thanks for telling me, Tina.

(growls)

Oh, crap.

Wow, I've never been back
here. Ugh, it's just more books.

Well Louise knew if she brought
the Burobu cards to school,

she'd get detention and
they'd get confiscated

and she shouldn't have
put Tina in that position.

Yes. Right.

Yeah, no, true, but
then Tina ratted on her.

You never go against the family.

- Never.
- Easy, Don Corleone.

- You mean Don Pepperoni?
- You don't understand!

Ms. Labonz made me talk.

Where are they?

- Where are your study buddies?
- Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!

- Where are they?
- Uh! Uh!

- Hmm.
- Mmm...

O-Okay, that might be
slightly exaggerated.

(growls)

(glass squeaking)

(whispering): I'm so glad I'm not Tina.

(whispering): Yeah, me, too.

(sighs)

Louise, listen.

I'm sorry about what happened, but...

LOUISE: Oh, can it! You knew
how much those cards meant to me,

and you ratted anyway!

You went against the family, Tina.

Why does everyone keep saying that?

Because you're a
scaredy-butt banana rat!

I think I follow, but what's
the banana part about?!

- 'Cause you're yella!
- Okay, got it!

So... I'm guessing you
two have worked things out?

Gene, you're gonna have
to choose: Tina or me?

I lost one sister today.
Am I gonna lose another?

Aah! I won't take sides!
I'm like a sexy Switzerland.

Fine. Then you're both dead to me.

Hmm. Looks like we're
sleeping on the couch.

So, how's your speech
for Harry coming, Bob?

Yeah, did you work in the part

where you hit him in
the face with a pickle?

No, Teddy. I was gonna
talk about safe stuff.

Like, all his stories about dill.

And you think that's gonna fly?

Yeah, Bob, there's gonna be a room

full of judgmental farmers watching you.

Not to mention Harry,

looking down on you
with his deformed face.

I didn't deform his face.
It always looked weird.

You know what you should do,
throw in some jokes. You know?

- Pickle jokes.
- Ooh! What if you said something like,

"I'm glad everyone could
'cu-come-ber' to the service."

No.

How about this? "I relish the
opportunity to speak here today."

- Mm-mm.
- You should sing "Danny Boy,"

but replace the word "pipes"
with "pickles," you know?

- Oh, my God.
- Eh...

And off Labonz goes to
Tuesday cafeteria duty,

right on schedule.

Now, Rudy, all you got
to do is stand watch

while I pick the lock on her
desk and get our cards back.

I don't feel comfortable with this.

Well, you sound ready to go. Come on.

Ah, wait! (inhales) There she is.

- Hi, Ms. Labonz. Uh, may we join you?
- Eh?

What's going on?

Are you two pulling a Clueless

and trying to set me
up with another teacher?

Not interested. I like firemen, a lot.

A-Actually, Ms. Labonz,
I-I just wanted to ask you

if you could return the Burobu
cards to the fourth graders?

No way. Not gonna happen.

I'm hearing no with a hint of yes?

No! You know where those cards are?

In the bureau by my
front door in the drawer

where I keep the baggies
I use to pick up the crap

my neighbor's stupid dog, Spritzel,

leaves in my front yard,
so when I run out of bags,

I'm gonna use the cards.

Okay. Well, that paints a picture.

I looked everywhere... nothing.

Maybe she stashed them
in the teacher's lounge.

Come on, let's move.

Sneak into the teacher's lounge?
Oh, no, I need to sit down.

Oh, Rudy, God.

Where's my inhaler?
Where's my inhaler?

- It's right... You're holding it.
- (wheezing): Oh, my God.

LOUISE: Where are they?

AMBROSE: Oh yeah, Labonz is
definitely in for tonight.

Martini Tuesdays are the only reason

- she's still a teacher.
- Oh! Oh!

And my roommate Joyce will be

at her dumb kidney donation thingy,

so we can be as rowdy as we want.

- What about Frond?
- Yeah, does he know?

Ugh, why does that buzzkill
want to come, anyway?

He doesn't even drink, which is amazing

since he has so many reasons to.

- (laughing)
- (Rudy inhales)

BRANCA: Did you hear that?

- Ugh, Branca, again?
- It wasn't me.

LINDA: Okay, we're leaving.

Wish your father good luck
with his Harry pickle eulogy.

BOTH: Good luck with
your Harry pickle eulogy.

I feel like we say that too much.

If Labonz doesn't have
the cards at school,

where could they be?

Louise, I don't know if
I expressed this enough,

- but this is literally killing me.
- TINA: Louise?

I just wanted to say that I
tried to get the cards back

from Ms. Labonz, but she said no.

But don't worry.
They're in a safe place.

I mean, not really, they're in
the drawer by her front door,

and she's gonna use them to pick up
her neighbor's dog Spritzel's poop.

But, hey, forget that.

Let's just work on
rebuilding our relationship.

Oh, great, there you are.
Should we hug or something?

Wait, why do you have
your lock-picking kit?

Rudy, the cards are at Labonz's.

We know she's not there
'cause it's Martini Tuesday.

Meet me at her house, stat. We're a go.

- RUDY: Okay, I've been...
- Uh-oh. Louise? Louise!

No go! No go! Aah!

- Gene come on!
- What's going on?

I may have accidentally told Louise

exactly where Ms. Labonz
has the Burobu cards in her house

and now Louise is going
over there to break in!

Aah! She'll go to jail!

What will I wear to visit her?

You can't wear stripes, so that's out.

So, Bob, you'll be batting cleanup.

You feel loose?

(whispering): You look terrible.

- Thanks.
- Wait, is the urn a pickle jar?

MORT: Yes, it is.

Did he want that or did
you just run out of urns?

I think it's safe to assume
it's what he would have wanted.

Hello. How are you?

Oh, God, I feel like
everybody's looking at me.

Nah. I bet they all forgot.

Yeah, I know. He has some
nerve showing up here.

They're probably talking
about someone else.

What he did to Harry's
face with that pickle...

That-that could be anybody.

And now he's here in a
wrinkled suit with his fly open.

Okay, that's you.

Oh, God. Should I zip it?

Don't give 'em the satisfaction.

LOUISE: Okay, looks like nobody's home.

This is what they mean by peer pressure.

This is everything they warned me about

in that after school
special, Peers of a Clown.

Stop. You can't do this.

And I can't do this. My
thighs are thundering.

This is breaking and
entering, Louise. It's a crime.

Well, it's your fault I
have to crime this crime

in the first place.

GENE:
- Someone's coming!

- Hide.
- Aah!

What the hell are they doing here?

Sorry we had to come here
because my dumb roommate, Joyce,

wasn't a match for the kidney donation

and now she's just sitting on
the couch with all her kidneys,

ruining everything.

BRANCA: It's okay.

Labonz has got that sweet backyard.

They're going to the backyard. Let's go.

(whispering): Or we could just leave.

Oh, you're going that way. Okay.

Who wants to play a drinking game?

BRANCA: Oh! Oh! Me, me, me, me, me!

(gasps) Our Burobu cards.

Bastards.

Hey there. I'm Alfred. Leafy greens.

I've known Harry a long time.

Our booths were right
next to each other.

He was a good man, a proud man,

and when you got him talking about dill,

well, his face just lit up.

It's so beautiful.

And I'm, I'm, I'm glad
we could all be here,

even if one of us committed
an unforgivable act

for which he should be ashamed.

- Okay.
- Mm.

Hi. Hi, hello. We're divorced.

LABONZ: Ha! Branca,

your slug has the lowest
health points. Slug it.

This is a disgrace.

They don't even know the rules.

Well, nobody does.

- Rudy, just shush.
- Sorry.

They're not acting that different.

Are they always drunk?

If only we could distract them,

get them out of the yard for a second,

and we had a rope or something.

Then we could tie it around my waist,

I could climb up this tree,
and you guys could lower me down

and I could grab the cards.

Man, if only we had a rope. Too bad.

(gasps) There was a
hose in the front yard.

- Damn.
- I'll go get it.

You guys think of a
way to distract them.

Are we talking streaking?
Shall I disrobe?

Huh?

Mr. Frond?

Aah! Huh?

Are you stalking Martini Tuesday?

(laughing): N-No. That
would be psychotic.

Okay, I am. It's just... (sighs)

... why didn't they invite me?

Is that a rhetorical question or... ?

Just because I don't
drink and I go to bed early

and I told them all

- I'm concerned about
their drinking. - Uh-huh.

They don't think I'm cool enough?

Well, would a guy who's not
cool enough go home every night

and put on Best Dance Music of the '90s

and dance his little heart out?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I know how we can distract...

I mean, how you can show
them that you're cool.

- You do? Wait, why are you here?
- Let's focus on you.

By any chance, do you have
any music with you now?

- Uh, you tell me.
- Oh, my God.

TINA: Is that Mr. Frond?
What's Louise doing?

Is she his dealer?

You really think this will work?

- I never said that.
- Wait, what?

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Just play the music, cool guy.

(humming and grunting)

("Groove Is in the Heart"
by Deee-Lite playing)

- Oh, my.
- What is that?

Every dance move in the world?

Go, go, go, go!

Come on, take the bait.

- What the hell?
- ♪ The chills that you spill... ♪

It's Frond. He's outside.

And I think he's dancing?

Let's hit it. And here's
the cards for the switch out.

What? Louise. Your Mega Ultras.

Wait, aren't those cards fake?

- Gene!
- I mean, hello.

♪ Your groove I do deeply dig ♪

♪ No walls, only the bridge ♪

♪ My supper dish ♪

♪ My succotash wish... ♪

Lower. Lower.

(whispering): We're out of hose.

And also, bros before hose.

Arms... too tiny.

Pull me up! Pull me up!

♪ I couldn't ask for another... ♪

Pew, pew, pew, pew.

♪ I couldn't ask for another... ♪

Pew, pew, pew, pew.

Well, shucks. What?

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Tina, I need your freakishly
long arms to grab those cards.

Louise, Th-Th-these cards
are making you crazy.

- I'm not crazy!
- Aah!

No, not at all. Here I go.

(nervous groaning)

(all groaning)

♪ Groove is in the heart ♪

♪ Ah... ♪

(laughs) I'm gonna get my drink.

You keep filming. Aah!

Oh, hey, Ms. Labonz. You come here, too?

Tina, why are you hanging from
a garden hose in my backyard?

I can see why you'd
ask that. That's fair.

I bet this is a bath salts thing.

- Hi, Mr. Branca.
- Hi, Tina.

Wait a minute. Is this about getting

those damn Burobu cards back?

Did Louise put you up to this?

I know you're there, Louise.

Oh, God, I'm feeling too
dru... I got to get down.

- ♪ Groove is in the heart... ♪
- (panting): Are they coming?

They're not coming.

You know what? Screw 'em.

Where's the groove, Phillip?

It's in your heart. It's in your heart.

I'm gonna go treat myself

to some low-fat fro-yo
from the gas station.

So long, suckers!

Tina, I know you didn't do this alone.

Who put you up to this?

Give her a martini. Then she'll talk.

Tina, tell me now.

It-it was...
it-it was...

- me.
- What?

It was all me. Did Louise
try to stop me? Sure.

She was like, "No, Tina,
it's too dangerous,"

and I was all, "Pfft. I am dangerous."

And then what did she say?

Well, she was pretty
blown away at that point.

So you were gonna climb
up that hose by yourself?

Oh, um, yup.

Really? I teach you in gym.

Okay, Tina. Do it.

Y-Yup, no problem.

Oh, no. This is gonna go so badly.

I got to come clean.

(Tina grunting)

- (whispering): She's doing it.
- What?

(grunting)

- It's so awkward.
- Yeah.

(grunting)

Ah, I made it. Like I, uh,

knew I would the whole time.

That's inspiring. That's inspiring.

Very good.

You forgot the dumb cards, by the way.

Also, principal's office,
first thing tomorrow.

I'm calling in sick, so don't forget.

Um, hello.

Uh, some of the stuff
I was gonna talk about,

uh, kind of already got covered.

You know, like the dill stuff.

I-I was gonna... anyway...

Uh... (clears throat)

Oh, God. He's bombing.

Do the jokes.

(whispering): Yes.

Oh, God. Um, well...

I'm-I'm glad everybody could
"cu-come-ber" to this service.

(Linda and Mort laugh)

(sighs) Right. And I, uh,
I-I relish the support...

- Boo!
- Hey. You can't boo a eulogy.

Sure you can. Boo!

Look, everybody, Harry started it, okay?

He threw first.

You called his pickles too sweet.

What'd you think was gonna happen?

Well, they were too sweet.

I was the only one who
was brave enough to say it.

Anyway, I wish I hadn't
thrown the dumb pickle, okay?

- Everybody happy?
- ALFRED: No.

Well, what am I supposed to
do about it now, Leafy Greens?

- Apologize.
- What?

Apologize to Harry.

- Yeah. Apologize to the urn.
- Yeah.

(sighs) Oh, my God. Fine!

Uh, hi, Harry.

So, sorry I hit you in
the face with a pickle.

(voice breaking): Truth
is, I miss you, pal.

(clears throat)

I, uh... I miss us.

(crying): I didn't think
I was gonna get like this.

(whispering): Oh, he's
crying. Now he's crying.

Wait, what's go... what's going on?

It was stipulated in the
will that I do this to you.

- Ow.
- And then I was supposed to say,

"Now we're even. Love you, buddy."

Wow. That felt right.

I-I love you, too, Harry.

(to the tune of "Danny
Boy"): ♪ Oh, Harry boy ♪

♪ The pickles ♪

♪ The pickles are calling. ♪

Tina, I can't believe you did all that.

I mean, I can't move
my arms now, but yeah.

You didn't make it look
easy, but you did it.

Good day to wear underpants.

Boy, too bad about the cards, though.

You mean these?

- (grunts)
- (gasps)

Our Burobu cards! And
they've got bra on them.

You made the switch out?

I took a sip of a martini, too.

Well, that was more Mathy Cathy than me,

but we're both not
into it. Stay in school.

(sighs) Well, I guess if we're being

all in-your-face
heroic today...

Here, Rudy. I want to give
your Slugodactyl card back.

The card I traded for it is fake.

I guess I probably should have known.

The smell made me sick and I
think it had a Minion on it.

I'll give the other guys
their cards back, too.

And, Tina, I'm sorry I called
you a scaredy-butt banana rat.

You're not. Your butt is strong.

- Mathy Cathy's, too.
- Thanks.

(grunts) From both of us.

Rudy, do you want to have
a moment with me like that?

Uh, yeah, sure, I'll have a moment.

- Pull my finger.
- You got it, mister.

- Rudy, don't. Rudy.
- Huh, what? - (grunts)

♪ There's only one
way to win this fight ♪

♪ Beat the other guy ♪

♪ The one rule to climbing
the highest heights ♪

♪ Is to climb up really high ♪

♪ Burobu ♪

- KIDS: Slugaconda!
- ♪ Burobu ♪

Slugstronaut!

- ♪ Burobu ♪
- Slugvertible!

- ♪ Burobu ♪
- Slugicopter!

Slugsaphone!

- ♪ Burobu ♪
- Slugodactyl!

Sluggy Stardust!

- ♪ Burobu ♪
- Slugatomic!

- Slugpreme!
- ♪ Burobu.

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.