Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 19 - Mo Mommy Mo Problems - full transcript
On Mother's Day, the Belchers wind up in a real estate scheme when attend open houses for free food and Linda meets a charming real estate agent.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Here she comes. It's go time.
One, two, three.
Happy Mother's Day!
- Aw.
- We made you a card.
It has a picture of you
giving birth to all of us,
and you're saying, "Ow-chi-wah-wah!"
Ooh. It's so graphic, but I love it.
Happy Mother's Day, Lin. I
snuck out early this morning
and bought bacon and eggs and berries,
and I was gonna make a
special Mother's Day breakfast.
But I didn't get started yet
'cause I went to the bathroom,
and it took, um, it took a long time.
Aw, that's really sweet,
but I've actually got
a little Mother's Day
idea. (clears throat)
Today, all of you have to
say yes to me, no matter what,
because on this Mother's
Day, I am all-powerful,
I am mom-nipotent!
That's hot. I like a
mom who takes control.
What if you snap and ask
us to murder somebody?
You'd have to do it,
'cause it's Mother's Day.
- LOUISE: Hmm.
- Okay, Your Momnipotency,
uh, what do you want to do today?
Well, Ginger was telling
me about the open houses
on Kingshead Island.
Not only do you get to walk through
beautiful homes for sale,
apparently, the realtors
put out amazing finger food.
- Go on.
- It's all free.
We'll act rich, we'll take the
tours, and we'll eat our way
- around Kingshead Island.
- (sighs) I-I don't know.
And you have to say yes
'cause it's Mother's Day,
and I'm mom-nipotent.
Isn't it wrong to pretend
we're buying a house
to eat free food that isn't for us?
Don't worry, these richy
riches can afford to feed us.
Oh, but before we leave,
all of you have to bathe,
'cause you all look a little gross.
But I love you. Happy Mother's Day!
(seagulls chirping)
So, uh, none of you wanted to dress up
to do the whole rich family thing?
- I changed my walk. Look.
- Damn.
Uh, well, I'm gonna go buy a snack.
- Watch my walk.
- Oh, he looks so tired.
- Hmm. Kind of hard to open, huh?
- Lot of plastic wrap.
It's like they don't want
us to get to the muffin.
- But we're gonna, aren't we?
- Yeah. Yeah, we are, eventually.
Are you going to Kingshead Island?
Yeah. I'm going to my mother's house.
- Do you live on Kingshead?
- Oh, God, no. We're poor.
We're just gonna go for the
day to check out open houses.
Wait, if y-you're poor, why
are you going to open houses?
Oh, 'cause my wife is forcing us
to go and eat the free
food they give out.
- Oh, so you mean lie.
- No, we're-we're just gonna
pretend to be people
that are different from...
Yeah, lie, lie.
- We're gonna lie.
- (gasps) Hey, I did it!
Ugh, I feel like I'm still
20 minutes away, but...
You'll get there.
LINDA: Okay, remember:
we're very rich, we're
here to buy a house,
so when we get in there,
don't go right for the food.
Just play it cool.
Oh, my God, look at that spread!
- Lin, calm down.
- Look at it!
- Lin.
- Okay, you're right.
I'll calm down. I'm just
gonna touch a shrimp.
Oh, they're real.
Wow, they have a downstairs
that's not a restaurant.
Tina, get in character.
So, now we've seen the guest house.
Where's the main house? Oh. (chuckles)
This is the main house?
(laughs): Oh, why, it's so cute.
I think we should buy it as a
vacation home for my ferrets.
Oh, okay, kids, go upstairs, and, uh,
you pick out your rooms.
- I call dibs on the biggest one!
- Hell no! I'm the oldest!
- LOUISE: Oh!
- (panting)
LOUISE: My room has its own bathroom!
- GENE: Mine, too!
- TINA: So does mine!
LOUISE: Mine has a huge shower!
TINA: Mine just has a sink and a toilet.
- A half bath?
- You disgust me!
You know what's weird?
I think you might be
- a little overdressed.
- Yeah, I know.
All the rich ladies
are wearing yoga pants.
Well, at least I'm doing a great job
acting like I'm not
here for the free food.
Look how casual I am
when I eat this shrimp.
(moans)
Lin, you're moaning when you chew.
It's shrimp, Bob.
(moaning)
- Hi.
- Oh, God.
- That's my wife. She's...
- Oh, ooh, one more.
- One more. (exhales)
- She's eating shrimp.
♪ Shrimp, shrimp,
shrimp and houses ♪
♪ Shrimp, shrimp,
shrimp and houses ♪
♪ Shrimp, shrimp,
shrimp and houses ♪
♪ Open house, open
house, open houses ♪
♪ Shrimp, shrimp,
shrimp and houses ♪
♪ Shrimp, shrimp,
shrimp and houses ♪
♪ Shrimp and houses! ♪
Ah, I'm limp from shrimp.
Well, this is it, the last house.
We're being watched.
Realtor at three o'clock.
- That guy?
- No, that's nine o'clock.
- That guy?
- No, that's Gene.
- 'Sup, girl?
- Uh, okay.
Uh, kids, go pick out your rooms.
As you wish, Mother.
Cute kids. Happy Mother's Day.
Aw, thank you.
I'm Julia. This is my listing.
Chocolate covered strawberry?
Okay, I might have
one. Or four. (laughs)
I love your dress.
Some of these other ladies
should take a lesson from you.
I know, right? Yoga
pants to an open house?
- Come on.
- (laughs)
They just come to snoop
around and eat the free food.
- Can you believe that?
- What?!
Ooh, clogs! Let me
guess. Are you a chef?
Do you have a restaurant?
- (chuckles) I-I
do. - Which one?
Uh, it's, uh, a little,
out of the way bistro
that serves f... uh, food.
Mmm, that sounds good.
Can I say something that might
seem a little out of bounds?
Uh, sure.
I don't know if you belong here.
Uh, what-what do you mean?
I think you're too
interesting for this house.
(laughs): Yeah.
Oh, you're right, we are.
I just got a new listing. It
could be a good fit for you.
I can get you into a
private showing right now.
- Oh, no, that's okay. We got to go.
- I'm listening.
It's a Victorian mansion.
Old school Kingshead.
- Ooh.
- Lin.
- Lots of character.
- Character.
I should tell you, it does
have some "old house" issues.
- Old house issues.
- Oh, my God.
Lin, uh, quick talk,
please, uh, right now.
A private showing is very different
from an open house,
Lin. Plus, I don't think
we should waste this realtor's time.
What? She makes a ton of
money doing this stuff.
Look, I'm mom-nipotent, so say yes.
- (sighs) Yes.
- All right!
Let's go buy Mama a new house!
Thanks for the ride.
We don't have our car.
We took the boat here.
Oh, you don't live on Kingshead?
I mean, our boat. Uh,
we took our boat here,
from our island... Uh,
we have a little island.
- It's nothing.
- Wow. Here we are.
Okay, let me just clear some
stuff out of the backseat.
(grunting) Just this... oh, God!
These things are a pain
to get out. (chuckles)
- (shouts)
- Oh, you're a mom.
Uh, happy Mother's Day.
Thanks. Yeah, I'm only 12 weeks
into being a mom, but I'm loving it.
I'm also not sleeping, my boobs hurt,
- and I'm up to my neck in poop.
- Been there.
Well, hop in. Let's go
check out your new home.
So, uh, how long you
been selling houses for?
Well, these are my first two listings.
We got pregnant, and I decided
it was time for a career change.
And if I don't go broke
buying all that food
for the open houses, it'll be worth it.
Oh, my goodness.
Ooh, gas station. Do
you mind, real quick?
I've been running on empty.
Be right back.
Oh, my God, Lin, we-we
can't go to this house.
We need to leave, now.
I'm really uncomfortable
with this situation.
- And with Gene on my lap.
- You love it.
LOUISE: I've got Dad on my lap.
Oh, sorry. There you are.
This is awful. She's so sweet and normal
and a new mom, and it's Mother's Day.
Lin, let's just tell
her something came up,
and we'll take a cab to the ferry.
- Yeah, yeah. Let's do that.
- Okay, I put in three bucks.
That should get us there.
Uh, hey, Julia, so something, uh...
You know, I actually thought
I might lose this listing
'cause I only found one couple
to come look at the house.
But now that I'm bringing you,
I think everything is gonna be okay.
Oh, uh, well, let's go see
this house already, huh?
(Tina groaning)
JULIA: All right, so
the owner is also here.
I called him before we left.
This was his mom's house,
and he really wants to sell it
to a nice family, like you guys.
Okay, let's just go in,
take the tour, and leave.
Doesn't feel good lying to her,
but at least we won't get caught.
Learning some strong
lessons from you today, Mom.
Look, we shouldn't be doing this,
and your mom has made
some bad judgments today,
but it-it'll be fine.
Nobody knows we're poor people
who came over on the ferry.
- Oh. Um... hi.
- Oh, my God.
Um, h-hello.
Spencer, this is Bob,
Linda and their kids.
Hi, Linda, kids, Bob.
Spencer, so I, uh, I feel like, uh...
Bob, let me stop you
right there and say,
it's nice to meet you,
for the first time.
I-I agree. I-It's also nice to meet you.
- For the first time, as well.
- Huh?
Oh. You guys are good at talking.
Shall we go inside?
What the hell is going
on? You sound weird.
You're gonna get us caught.
Lin, I-I have something to tell you.
I met Spencer on the boat.
I told him everything.
He knows what we're doing today.
- He knows we're faking.
- What?!
JULIA: Linda, come inside!
There's a whole house in here!
Told you it had character.
I've got to show you the library.
My Mom loves to read.
- Mom, name two books.
- Shush.
- Mom, can we go pick out our rooms?
- Uh...
You may absolutely pick out
any room on the second floor.
But I'd like to ask that you do not,
and I repeat, do not go
up to the third floor.
Okay, that was just a little
scary the way you said that.
It's just, I'm remodeling
the third floor.
It isn't safe.
O-Okay, kids? You got
that? No third floor.
Come, come. Let's have a look-see.
And maybe a purchase-y.
What's going on?
Why didn't you want
Julia to know we met?
And why aren't you kicking
us out of your house?
Oh, you mean because
you're faking being rich,
going around, looking at
houses, wasting everybody's time?
- Yes?
- Because I realized
- I could actually use your help.
- Wait, what?
There's another couple
coming to look at the house.
They've been sniffing at
this listing for months.
And what they need is
a little competition
to get them to make an offer.
And Julia doesn't need to
know you're lying liars.
She seems like a good person.
- Unlike you, Bob.
- Fair enough.
But we're not really
able to buy a house?
Just keep doing what you're doing.
- Help me unwrap this muffin.
- I never got mine unwrapped.
But-but I know what you're saying.
- I smoked you fools!
- (panting) Damn it.
(panting) I am so full of crudités!
TINA: Oh, mine has a swing!
LOUISE: Mine has a bathtub
in the middle of the room!
GENE: Mine has a swing in the bathtub!
I don't know if it's a sex
thing or a disabled thing.
Either way, it works!
OLD WOMAN: Leave!
- Did you guys hear that?
- I hope not.
I hope so.
OLD WOMAN (growling): Leave now!
- (Gene and Tina scream)
- Whoa.
It's a ghost. This house is haunted!
(slow footsteps)
Wait, were those feet?
Ghosts don't have feet.
I think we should go up
there and check it out.
You mean up to the third floor?
- It's off-limits.
- I know.
And I feel really bad
about that, but we're going.
I can't believe my
last meal was crudités!
I can see this house
is winning you over!
Do you think you're getting
close to making an offer?
Do you want to call
your bank? Is that crazy?
Uh, no, it's, uh, it's not, uh, crazy.
Uh, I can call them right now.
1-800-BANK.
Uh, hi, bank, it's Linda.
Uh, yeah, it's Linda with the money.
Uh, how are interest rates?
Oh, Julia, I can't do this.
I got to tell you something, sweetie.
Hi, Lin, I just want
to interrupt real quick
before you say any more words.
Can I talk to you in the hall?
So we keep acting
interested in the house,
help push the other
people to make an offer,
Julia never finds out we're phonies,
and she gets a commission on
the sale and everyone's happy?
Yes. I mean, I don't know about happy,
but that's the plan.
Oh, this is great.
I already had an amazing Mother's Day,
and now it's time to give Julia one.
- We're heroes.
- Y... Yeah, sure.
It's so murder-y up here.
LOUISE: He's definitely not remodeling.
He's hiding something,
something horrible.
- Tina, you go first.
- Wait, what?
Well, fine, we'll all go
together, but with you in front.
- Okay, that's
fair. - Mm-hmm.
(Tina groans)
(door creaks)
TINA: Oh, hell no.
What is this?
Maybe he's just a good dude
who opened a medical lab
and is doing important medical research?
(all scream)
Huh. This is incredible.
The squirrels are all
wearing little costumes.
"Professor Nutstein."
This is terrifying.
I've got a "Captain Nutstein" over here.
Look at this one. "Pope Nutstein."
Very accomplished family, the Nutsteins.
Leave!
(all scream)
Leave... (coughs) Lea...
- (coughs) Tea.
- What?
(coughs) Tea. Tea. Fetch my tea.
- It's on the table. (coughs)
- Here you go.
Damn dust in this house.
Wait, were you saying "leave"
in a really scary way on purpose
or is that just how you talk?
And are the squirrels part of it?
There's just a lot going on.
Uh, yes, I was trying to be scary.
I was trying to get you to leave.
No, the squirrels aren't part of it.
That's just a thing I do.
Follow-up question: um, who are you?
My name's Ethel. I live here.
Where did you get all these squirrels?
From the house. It's infested with them.
You found all these dead
squirrels in your house?
Yes. Let's say I found them
all dead, natural causes.
So this is your house?
I thought it was Spencer's house.
This is my house. Spencer's my son.
Aren't you trying to sell it?
Why are you trying to scare us away?
I don't want to sell.
Spencer wants to sell.
He's trying to push me out of here.
So every time he shows my house,
I try to scare away the buyers.
By pretending to be a ghost?
Mm-hmm. I've been spooking
the hell out of this place.
That's badass, Ethel.
I know. I've rigged the whole house.
I cut eye-holes in the
paintings and everything.
And I've been saving
buckets of squirrel blood
for the right moment.
- (Tina gags)
- I've lived here for over 60 years.
I got married in this house.
I raised a kid in this house.
- I learned taxidermy in this house.
- LOUISE: Yeah, you did.
Eventually Spencer moved
away and my husband passed.
It was lonely at first, but
this place is still my home.
That is so sad.
Yeah, we thought you
guys should hear that.
You're selling your mother's
house on Mother's Day?
Okay, so now I know
why I got this listing
and why it's been on
the market for so long.
Your mother has been
haunting all the showings.
Haunting and/or just
seeming really freaky.
Oh, okay. So, uh, are we
still showing the house?
- Yes.
- No.
Yes, we are still showing.
We have been over this, Mom.
You are moving in with me.
Okay, good. Uh, Kyle and Claire
are gonna be here any minute.
You know what, Julia?
When Kyle and Claire get
here, I think it might be good
if you tour everyone around together.
You know what I mean?
Oh, okay. Get a little
competition going.
Oh! They're here.
Mom, please can I
take you back upstairs?
So I can haunt?
- No.
- Freak it?
- No!
- Mm.
Okay, you can do this.
You are gonna sell a house today.
Oh, no. Torn between two
mothers on Mother's Day.
Mamma Mia.
I can't believe you're selling
my house on Mother's Day.
It was the only Sunday we could do this.
I got you that card
with the monkey on it
that said, "I'm bananas for you."
- Then act like you're bananas for me!
-(doorbell rings)
I'll get it! There's an accent
I've been wanting to try out.
No, kids, go-go keep Ethel company.
Fine. Team Ethel heading
back to the third floor.
I don't know what to do. I
want to help Julia get a sale,
but I don't want to be
shady to an old lady.
I know. We shouldn't have
come here or done any of this.
I just wanted to eat shrimp
and feel fancy on Mother's Day.
What are we gonna do?
Look, I think we just
have to keep up the act,
try to get this other
couple to buy the house,
and then get out of here.
So keep up the act,
screw over an old lady,
and try to sleep at night?
I like the way I said it better,
but yeah, that's basically the plan.
Oh, we're going to hell.
Maybe there's another
room we could sit in,
because I'm getting
a little naus... (gags)
- Oh, God. Oh, my God.
- Whoa.
Oh, what's the big deal?
It's like a Fruit Roll-Up.
- You just ruined Fruit Roll-Ups!
- Just let me work.
This might be the last one I
make before he sells this place.
Wait, so you're giving up? That's it?
Is Spencer even gonna let you
bring all of these to his house?
I'll probably donate them
to the children's hospital.
No! Don't you do that to those kids!
I-I mean, cool, cool, v-very cool.
Seems sad if you've been saving
all that squirrel blood for nothing.
- You feel me?
- I feel you.
Kyle and Claire have been
e-mailing me a lot of questions,
but this is their first time up here.
You've been circling
this property for a while,
like hungry wolves that
don't ever actually attack.
Oh, we're gonna attack.
We watch the drone video of
the property, like, every night.
You know what they say, drone
it till you own it. (chuckles)
BOB: Hmm, that's great, Kyle.
That's-that's great that
you've seen that video.
I have a computer, too.
My wife called the bank already,
so loan it till you own it.
Wait, you're not paying cash?
That's gonna slow things down for you.
Oh, no, I meant I'm, uh,
loaning money to the
bank to then pay me.
You're loaning money to the bank?
One of us is kind of
embarrassing himself right now.
We rattled them. I think
it's already working.
I know. This guy wants to fight me.
(chuckles): I love it.
Ooh, water damage. That
wasn't in the photos.
- "Water" we gonna do about that?
- I love that water damage.
Don't you love it, Lin?
Lin, the water damage?
Oh, yeah, it's, uh, great.
It's real, uh... I love it.
CLAIRE: It's a little gusty out here.
I love a little breeze.
I could come out here
and, you know, fly my kite.
I have a gold kite. Do you, Kyle?
Do you have a gold kite? 'Cause I do.
We could get rid of that
old swing set, right?
- Bit of an eyesore.
- Yeah, it was mine as a kid.
- Poor kid.
- Aw, swing set.
I love this room.
It just needs a fresh
coat of Kyle and Claire.
Or we blow out this
wall, blow out that wall,
and put a fresh coat of Kyle's
sword collection right there.
Did you say swords? (laughs)
I-I remember when I used to
be into my sword collection.
I-I'm into spears now.
That's my family in squirrel form.
- I meant to hide that.
- Aw.
SPENCER: My mother's
first squirrel-sterpiece.
- Her word, not mine.
- _
I think we've seen
everything we need to see.
Linda, uh, let's make a move.
It's gonna be a big
move into this house.
- Oh.
- Babe, I think we pull the trigger.
- Should we just do it?
- You think we should do it?
- I want to do it.
- I want to do it if you want to do it.
- Cock it? Pull it?
- Cock it and pull it.
All right. Let's buy this place.
No, stop! Nobody should buy this house!
- What?
- Huh?
I can't do it anymore, Bob.
We're not making an offer, all right?
We're not interested in the house.
We can barely afford our apartment.
Apartment? Gross.
We're only acting interested
to get you to make an offer.
We were just trying to help Julia,
but I think we're supposed
to be helping Ethel.
Julia, I'm sorry.
Who's Ethel? Did you hire these people?
Wait, are you trying to trick
us into buying this house?
No, no. I just met Bob and Linda.
- Kyle high club?
- Claire-atin?
Un-cock it, un-pull
it. We're going home.
Please don't go.
Uh, re-re-cock it.
- Mommy, Daddy, help!
- CLAIRE: What is happening?
- Ghost! We saw a ghost!
- The damn house is haunted!
ETHEL (growling): Leave!
(kids screaming)
Person blood!
Leave! (groaning)
- Everyone was just leaving.
- Oh, good.
(sobs) This would probably be considered
a very bad private showing.
Full disclosure, this is
squirrel blood, not human.
Um, but each squirrel
only bleeds a few ounces,
so do the math.
So many squirrels!
She peels them like Fruit Roll-Ups!
Julia, I'm so sorry.
I'm just a mother who was looking
to have a nice Mother's Day,
and things got out of control.
Oh, cool, got it,
thanks. Great explanation.
(groans) My hip is killing
me. It must be the weather.
It's not the weather.
It's the stairs, Mom.
This house has too many stairs for you.
You're so old.
It's why I want her to move in with me.
Right, right. That makes sense.
- Honey, let's go.
- I'm leaving, too.
I'll find a new job.
- Maybe I'll be a spine-o-cologist.
- What's that?
(crying): Isn't that what
they call spine doctors?
I don't know. I'll find
out when I become one.
She's gonna be okay.
Wait, wait, don't go.
Let me say something.
Spencer, I-I thought you
were being mean to your mom
and you just wanted to
sell the house for money,
but-but really you were being sweet.
You were just worried. I get it.
This house has, like,
600 freaking steps,
and you're scared she's gonna fall
and end up looking like
how she looks right now,
all bloody and gross.
Yes, I am. I'm scared
of a lot of things.
The house catching on fire
because of the exposed
wires in the basement...
The what?
- ... and the lead in the pipes.
- Wait, what? - Oh, my God.
You should be worried
about the squirrels, bro.
They are gonna rise up
and tear that lady apart!
And-and you two, you love this house
and you were about to
make an offer on it.
We were, but then you
made things super weird
and tried to trick us.
And Spencer just disclosed,
like, five other things
- that are total deal breakers.
- I was kidding. (giggles)
Look, we did tell a fib,
and-and Spencer did say some stuff,
but that stuff's all fixable,
and that fib that we told
got you guys to finally realize
that this is the right house for you.
You're not gonna find
another place like this one.
- This house is special.
- It is.
I mean, we'd have to change
everything, but it is special.
So you don't collect spears?
- Um, I mean, no.
- I'm gonna do it, then.
Ethel, listen to me, honey.
This place is just a house now.
Your home is with your son.
He wants you to move in
with him. He cares about you.
Hmm. Spencer never said
it to me quite that way.
He talked a lot about
me falling down stairs,
but I could never tell
if he was pro or con.
- I've been both.
- Oh, fine.
I'll move in with you, Spencey.
Sell the damn house.
Well, I'll let you take
it from here, Julia.
So, do you guys want to buy a house?
- We're gonna need 50,000 off.
- And then another 50,000 off.
- No.
- You got a deal.
Oh, say yes, Spencer. It's a good price.
They don't even know about the sinking.
- The what? - What?
-Nothing. Deal.
- Fine.
- I just sold a house! I sold a home!
All right! (sighs) I'm exhausted.
I'm starving. Who's hungry?
- Anyone want a Fruit Roll-Up?
- (Tina gags)
- I make them myself.
- (Tina gags)
- Jerky?
- We got to go. We got to go!
LINDA: ♪ Mommies are the best ♪
♪ Mommies are the best,
mommies are the best ♪
♪ Moms! ♪
- LINDA: ♪ My mom ♪
- ETHEL: ♪ His mom ♪
- ♪ Your mom ♪
- ♪ Her mom ♪
- ♪ Moms! ♪
- ♪ Moms! ♪
LINDA: ♪ If mama ain't
happy, ain't nobody happy ♪
(vocalizing)
♪ Mommies are the best ♪
♪ Mommies are the best,
mommies are the best ♪
♪ Moms! ♪
- LINDA: ♪ My mom ♪
- ETHEL: ♪ His mom ♪
- ♪ Your mom ♪
- ♪ Her mom ♪
LINDA: ♪ I'm mom-nipotent! ♪
- ETHEL: ♪ Happy Mother's Day ♪
- LINDA: ♪ It's my day. ♪
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Here she comes. It's go time.
One, two, three.
Happy Mother's Day!
- Aw.
- We made you a card.
It has a picture of you
giving birth to all of us,
and you're saying, "Ow-chi-wah-wah!"
Ooh. It's so graphic, but I love it.
Happy Mother's Day, Lin. I
snuck out early this morning
and bought bacon and eggs and berries,
and I was gonna make a
special Mother's Day breakfast.
But I didn't get started yet
'cause I went to the bathroom,
and it took, um, it took a long time.
Aw, that's really sweet,
but I've actually got
a little Mother's Day
idea. (clears throat)
Today, all of you have to
say yes to me, no matter what,
because on this Mother's
Day, I am all-powerful,
I am mom-nipotent!
That's hot. I like a
mom who takes control.
What if you snap and ask
us to murder somebody?
You'd have to do it,
'cause it's Mother's Day.
- LOUISE: Hmm.
- Okay, Your Momnipotency,
uh, what do you want to do today?
Well, Ginger was telling
me about the open houses
on Kingshead Island.
Not only do you get to walk through
beautiful homes for sale,
apparently, the realtors
put out amazing finger food.
- Go on.
- It's all free.
We'll act rich, we'll take the
tours, and we'll eat our way
- around Kingshead Island.
- (sighs) I-I don't know.
And you have to say yes
'cause it's Mother's Day,
and I'm mom-nipotent.
Isn't it wrong to pretend
we're buying a house
to eat free food that isn't for us?
Don't worry, these richy
riches can afford to feed us.
Oh, but before we leave,
all of you have to bathe,
'cause you all look a little gross.
But I love you. Happy Mother's Day!
(seagulls chirping)
So, uh, none of you wanted to dress up
to do the whole rich family thing?
- I changed my walk. Look.
- Damn.
Uh, well, I'm gonna go buy a snack.
- Watch my walk.
- Oh, he looks so tired.
- Hmm. Kind of hard to open, huh?
- Lot of plastic wrap.
It's like they don't want
us to get to the muffin.
- But we're gonna, aren't we?
- Yeah. Yeah, we are, eventually.
Are you going to Kingshead Island?
Yeah. I'm going to my mother's house.
- Do you live on Kingshead?
- Oh, God, no. We're poor.
We're just gonna go for the
day to check out open houses.
Wait, if y-you're poor, why
are you going to open houses?
Oh, 'cause my wife is forcing us
to go and eat the free
food they give out.
- Oh, so you mean lie.
- No, we're-we're just gonna
pretend to be people
that are different from...
Yeah, lie, lie.
- We're gonna lie.
- (gasps) Hey, I did it!
Ugh, I feel like I'm still
20 minutes away, but...
You'll get there.
LINDA: Okay, remember:
we're very rich, we're
here to buy a house,
so when we get in there,
don't go right for the food.
Just play it cool.
Oh, my God, look at that spread!
- Lin, calm down.
- Look at it!
- Lin.
- Okay, you're right.
I'll calm down. I'm just
gonna touch a shrimp.
Oh, they're real.
Wow, they have a downstairs
that's not a restaurant.
Tina, get in character.
So, now we've seen the guest house.
Where's the main house? Oh. (chuckles)
This is the main house?
(laughs): Oh, why, it's so cute.
I think we should buy it as a
vacation home for my ferrets.
Oh, okay, kids, go upstairs, and, uh,
you pick out your rooms.
- I call dibs on the biggest one!
- Hell no! I'm the oldest!
- LOUISE: Oh!
- (panting)
LOUISE: My room has its own bathroom!
- GENE: Mine, too!
- TINA: So does mine!
LOUISE: Mine has a huge shower!
TINA: Mine just has a sink and a toilet.
- A half bath?
- You disgust me!
You know what's weird?
I think you might be
- a little overdressed.
- Yeah, I know.
All the rich ladies
are wearing yoga pants.
Well, at least I'm doing a great job
acting like I'm not
here for the free food.
Look how casual I am
when I eat this shrimp.
(moans)
Lin, you're moaning when you chew.
It's shrimp, Bob.
(moaning)
- Hi.
- Oh, God.
- That's my wife. She's...
- Oh, ooh, one more.
- One more. (exhales)
- She's eating shrimp.
♪ Shrimp, shrimp,
shrimp and houses ♪
♪ Shrimp, shrimp,
shrimp and houses ♪
♪ Shrimp, shrimp,
shrimp and houses ♪
♪ Open house, open
house, open houses ♪
♪ Shrimp, shrimp,
shrimp and houses ♪
♪ Shrimp, shrimp,
shrimp and houses ♪
♪ Shrimp and houses! ♪
Ah, I'm limp from shrimp.
Well, this is it, the last house.
We're being watched.
Realtor at three o'clock.
- That guy?
- No, that's nine o'clock.
- That guy?
- No, that's Gene.
- 'Sup, girl?
- Uh, okay.
Uh, kids, go pick out your rooms.
As you wish, Mother.
Cute kids. Happy Mother's Day.
Aw, thank you.
I'm Julia. This is my listing.
Chocolate covered strawberry?
Okay, I might have
one. Or four. (laughs)
I love your dress.
Some of these other ladies
should take a lesson from you.
I know, right? Yoga
pants to an open house?
- Come on.
- (laughs)
They just come to snoop
around and eat the free food.
- Can you believe that?
- What?!
Ooh, clogs! Let me
guess. Are you a chef?
Do you have a restaurant?
- (chuckles) I-I
do. - Which one?
Uh, it's, uh, a little,
out of the way bistro
that serves f... uh, food.
Mmm, that sounds good.
Can I say something that might
seem a little out of bounds?
Uh, sure.
I don't know if you belong here.
Uh, what-what do you mean?
I think you're too
interesting for this house.
(laughs): Yeah.
Oh, you're right, we are.
I just got a new listing. It
could be a good fit for you.
I can get you into a
private showing right now.
- Oh, no, that's okay. We got to go.
- I'm listening.
It's a Victorian mansion.
Old school Kingshead.
- Ooh.
- Lin.
- Lots of character.
- Character.
I should tell you, it does
have some "old house" issues.
- Old house issues.
- Oh, my God.
Lin, uh, quick talk,
please, uh, right now.
A private showing is very different
from an open house,
Lin. Plus, I don't think
we should waste this realtor's time.
What? She makes a ton of
money doing this stuff.
Look, I'm mom-nipotent, so say yes.
- (sighs) Yes.
- All right!
Let's go buy Mama a new house!
Thanks for the ride.
We don't have our car.
We took the boat here.
Oh, you don't live on Kingshead?
I mean, our boat. Uh,
we took our boat here,
from our island... Uh,
we have a little island.
- It's nothing.
- Wow. Here we are.
Okay, let me just clear some
stuff out of the backseat.
(grunting) Just this... oh, God!
These things are a pain
to get out. (chuckles)
- (shouts)
- Oh, you're a mom.
Uh, happy Mother's Day.
Thanks. Yeah, I'm only 12 weeks
into being a mom, but I'm loving it.
I'm also not sleeping, my boobs hurt,
- and I'm up to my neck in poop.
- Been there.
Well, hop in. Let's go
check out your new home.
So, uh, how long you
been selling houses for?
Well, these are my first two listings.
We got pregnant, and I decided
it was time for a career change.
And if I don't go broke
buying all that food
for the open houses, it'll be worth it.
Oh, my goodness.
Ooh, gas station. Do
you mind, real quick?
I've been running on empty.
Be right back.
Oh, my God, Lin, we-we
can't go to this house.
We need to leave, now.
I'm really uncomfortable
with this situation.
- And with Gene on my lap.
- You love it.
LOUISE: I've got Dad on my lap.
Oh, sorry. There you are.
This is awful. She's so sweet and normal
and a new mom, and it's Mother's Day.
Lin, let's just tell
her something came up,
and we'll take a cab to the ferry.
- Yeah, yeah. Let's do that.
- Okay, I put in three bucks.
That should get us there.
Uh, hey, Julia, so something, uh...
You know, I actually thought
I might lose this listing
'cause I only found one couple
to come look at the house.
But now that I'm bringing you,
I think everything is gonna be okay.
Oh, uh, well, let's go see
this house already, huh?
(Tina groaning)
JULIA: All right, so
the owner is also here.
I called him before we left.
This was his mom's house,
and he really wants to sell it
to a nice family, like you guys.
Okay, let's just go in,
take the tour, and leave.
Doesn't feel good lying to her,
but at least we won't get caught.
Learning some strong
lessons from you today, Mom.
Look, we shouldn't be doing this,
and your mom has made
some bad judgments today,
but it-it'll be fine.
Nobody knows we're poor people
who came over on the ferry.
- Oh. Um... hi.
- Oh, my God.
Um, h-hello.
Spencer, this is Bob,
Linda and their kids.
Hi, Linda, kids, Bob.
Spencer, so I, uh, I feel like, uh...
Bob, let me stop you
right there and say,
it's nice to meet you,
for the first time.
I-I agree. I-It's also nice to meet you.
- For the first time, as well.
- Huh?
Oh. You guys are good at talking.
Shall we go inside?
What the hell is going
on? You sound weird.
You're gonna get us caught.
Lin, I-I have something to tell you.
I met Spencer on the boat.
I told him everything.
He knows what we're doing today.
- He knows we're faking.
- What?!
JULIA: Linda, come inside!
There's a whole house in here!
Told you it had character.
I've got to show you the library.
My Mom loves to read.
- Mom, name two books.
- Shush.
- Mom, can we go pick out our rooms?
- Uh...
You may absolutely pick out
any room on the second floor.
But I'd like to ask that you do not,
and I repeat, do not go
up to the third floor.
Okay, that was just a little
scary the way you said that.
It's just, I'm remodeling
the third floor.
It isn't safe.
O-Okay, kids? You got
that? No third floor.
Come, come. Let's have a look-see.
And maybe a purchase-y.
What's going on?
Why didn't you want
Julia to know we met?
And why aren't you kicking
us out of your house?
Oh, you mean because
you're faking being rich,
going around, looking at
houses, wasting everybody's time?
- Yes?
- Because I realized
- I could actually use your help.
- Wait, what?
There's another couple
coming to look at the house.
They've been sniffing at
this listing for months.
And what they need is
a little competition
to get them to make an offer.
And Julia doesn't need to
know you're lying liars.
She seems like a good person.
- Unlike you, Bob.
- Fair enough.
But we're not really
able to buy a house?
Just keep doing what you're doing.
- Help me unwrap this muffin.
- I never got mine unwrapped.
But-but I know what you're saying.
- I smoked you fools!
- (panting) Damn it.
(panting) I am so full of crudités!
TINA: Oh, mine has a swing!
LOUISE: Mine has a bathtub
in the middle of the room!
GENE: Mine has a swing in the bathtub!
I don't know if it's a sex
thing or a disabled thing.
Either way, it works!
OLD WOMAN: Leave!
- Did you guys hear that?
- I hope not.
I hope so.
OLD WOMAN (growling): Leave now!
- (Gene and Tina scream)
- Whoa.
It's a ghost. This house is haunted!
(slow footsteps)
Wait, were those feet?
Ghosts don't have feet.
I think we should go up
there and check it out.
You mean up to the third floor?
- It's off-limits.
- I know.
And I feel really bad
about that, but we're going.
I can't believe my
last meal was crudités!
I can see this house
is winning you over!
Do you think you're getting
close to making an offer?
Do you want to call
your bank? Is that crazy?
Uh, no, it's, uh, it's not, uh, crazy.
Uh, I can call them right now.
1-800-BANK.
Uh, hi, bank, it's Linda.
Uh, yeah, it's Linda with the money.
Uh, how are interest rates?
Oh, Julia, I can't do this.
I got to tell you something, sweetie.
Hi, Lin, I just want
to interrupt real quick
before you say any more words.
Can I talk to you in the hall?
So we keep acting
interested in the house,
help push the other
people to make an offer,
Julia never finds out we're phonies,
and she gets a commission on
the sale and everyone's happy?
Yes. I mean, I don't know about happy,
but that's the plan.
Oh, this is great.
I already had an amazing Mother's Day,
and now it's time to give Julia one.
- We're heroes.
- Y... Yeah, sure.
It's so murder-y up here.
LOUISE: He's definitely not remodeling.
He's hiding something,
something horrible.
- Tina, you go first.
- Wait, what?
Well, fine, we'll all go
together, but with you in front.
- Okay, that's
fair. - Mm-hmm.
(Tina groans)
(door creaks)
TINA: Oh, hell no.
What is this?
Maybe he's just a good dude
who opened a medical lab
and is doing important medical research?
(all scream)
Huh. This is incredible.
The squirrels are all
wearing little costumes.
"Professor Nutstein."
This is terrifying.
I've got a "Captain Nutstein" over here.
Look at this one. "Pope Nutstein."
Very accomplished family, the Nutsteins.
Leave!
(all scream)
Leave... (coughs) Lea...
- (coughs) Tea.
- What?
(coughs) Tea. Tea. Fetch my tea.
- It's on the table. (coughs)
- Here you go.
Damn dust in this house.
Wait, were you saying "leave"
in a really scary way on purpose
or is that just how you talk?
And are the squirrels part of it?
There's just a lot going on.
Uh, yes, I was trying to be scary.
I was trying to get you to leave.
No, the squirrels aren't part of it.
That's just a thing I do.
Follow-up question: um, who are you?
My name's Ethel. I live here.
Where did you get all these squirrels?
From the house. It's infested with them.
You found all these dead
squirrels in your house?
Yes. Let's say I found them
all dead, natural causes.
So this is your house?
I thought it was Spencer's house.
This is my house. Spencer's my son.
Aren't you trying to sell it?
Why are you trying to scare us away?
I don't want to sell.
Spencer wants to sell.
He's trying to push me out of here.
So every time he shows my house,
I try to scare away the buyers.
By pretending to be a ghost?
Mm-hmm. I've been spooking
the hell out of this place.
That's badass, Ethel.
I know. I've rigged the whole house.
I cut eye-holes in the
paintings and everything.
And I've been saving
buckets of squirrel blood
for the right moment.
- (Tina gags)
- I've lived here for over 60 years.
I got married in this house.
I raised a kid in this house.
- I learned taxidermy in this house.
- LOUISE: Yeah, you did.
Eventually Spencer moved
away and my husband passed.
It was lonely at first, but
this place is still my home.
That is so sad.
Yeah, we thought you
guys should hear that.
You're selling your mother's
house on Mother's Day?
Okay, so now I know
why I got this listing
and why it's been on
the market for so long.
Your mother has been
haunting all the showings.
Haunting and/or just
seeming really freaky.
Oh, okay. So, uh, are we
still showing the house?
- Yes.
- No.
Yes, we are still showing.
We have been over this, Mom.
You are moving in with me.
Okay, good. Uh, Kyle and Claire
are gonna be here any minute.
You know what, Julia?
When Kyle and Claire get
here, I think it might be good
if you tour everyone around together.
You know what I mean?
Oh, okay. Get a little
competition going.
Oh! They're here.
Mom, please can I
take you back upstairs?
So I can haunt?
- No.
- Freak it?
- No!
- Mm.
Okay, you can do this.
You are gonna sell a house today.
Oh, no. Torn between two
mothers on Mother's Day.
Mamma Mia.
I can't believe you're selling
my house on Mother's Day.
It was the only Sunday we could do this.
I got you that card
with the monkey on it
that said, "I'm bananas for you."
- Then act like you're bananas for me!
-(doorbell rings)
I'll get it! There's an accent
I've been wanting to try out.
No, kids, go-go keep Ethel company.
Fine. Team Ethel heading
back to the third floor.
I don't know what to do. I
want to help Julia get a sale,
but I don't want to be
shady to an old lady.
I know. We shouldn't have
come here or done any of this.
I just wanted to eat shrimp
and feel fancy on Mother's Day.
What are we gonna do?
Look, I think we just
have to keep up the act,
try to get this other
couple to buy the house,
and then get out of here.
So keep up the act,
screw over an old lady,
and try to sleep at night?
I like the way I said it better,
but yeah, that's basically the plan.
Oh, we're going to hell.
Maybe there's another
room we could sit in,
because I'm getting
a little naus... (gags)
- Oh, God. Oh, my God.
- Whoa.
Oh, what's the big deal?
It's like a Fruit Roll-Up.
- You just ruined Fruit Roll-Ups!
- Just let me work.
This might be the last one I
make before he sells this place.
Wait, so you're giving up? That's it?
Is Spencer even gonna let you
bring all of these to his house?
I'll probably donate them
to the children's hospital.
No! Don't you do that to those kids!
I-I mean, cool, cool, v-very cool.
Seems sad if you've been saving
all that squirrel blood for nothing.
- You feel me?
- I feel you.
Kyle and Claire have been
e-mailing me a lot of questions,
but this is their first time up here.
You've been circling
this property for a while,
like hungry wolves that
don't ever actually attack.
Oh, we're gonna attack.
We watch the drone video of
the property, like, every night.
You know what they say, drone
it till you own it. (chuckles)
BOB: Hmm, that's great, Kyle.
That's-that's great that
you've seen that video.
I have a computer, too.
My wife called the bank already,
so loan it till you own it.
Wait, you're not paying cash?
That's gonna slow things down for you.
Oh, no, I meant I'm, uh,
loaning money to the
bank to then pay me.
You're loaning money to the bank?
One of us is kind of
embarrassing himself right now.
We rattled them. I think
it's already working.
I know. This guy wants to fight me.
(chuckles): I love it.
Ooh, water damage. That
wasn't in the photos.
- "Water" we gonna do about that?
- I love that water damage.
Don't you love it, Lin?
Lin, the water damage?
Oh, yeah, it's, uh, great.
It's real, uh... I love it.
CLAIRE: It's a little gusty out here.
I love a little breeze.
I could come out here
and, you know, fly my kite.
I have a gold kite. Do you, Kyle?
Do you have a gold kite? 'Cause I do.
We could get rid of that
old swing set, right?
- Bit of an eyesore.
- Yeah, it was mine as a kid.
- Poor kid.
- Aw, swing set.
I love this room.
It just needs a fresh
coat of Kyle and Claire.
Or we blow out this
wall, blow out that wall,
and put a fresh coat of Kyle's
sword collection right there.
Did you say swords? (laughs)
I-I remember when I used to
be into my sword collection.
I-I'm into spears now.
That's my family in squirrel form.
- I meant to hide that.
- Aw.
SPENCER: My mother's
first squirrel-sterpiece.
- Her word, not mine.
- _
I think we've seen
everything we need to see.
Linda, uh, let's make a move.
It's gonna be a big
move into this house.
- Oh.
- Babe, I think we pull the trigger.
- Should we just do it?
- You think we should do it?
- I want to do it.
- I want to do it if you want to do it.
- Cock it? Pull it?
- Cock it and pull it.
All right. Let's buy this place.
No, stop! Nobody should buy this house!
- What?
- Huh?
I can't do it anymore, Bob.
We're not making an offer, all right?
We're not interested in the house.
We can barely afford our apartment.
Apartment? Gross.
We're only acting interested
to get you to make an offer.
We were just trying to help Julia,
but I think we're supposed
to be helping Ethel.
Julia, I'm sorry.
Who's Ethel? Did you hire these people?
Wait, are you trying to trick
us into buying this house?
No, no. I just met Bob and Linda.
- Kyle high club?
- Claire-atin?
Un-cock it, un-pull
it. We're going home.
Please don't go.
Uh, re-re-cock it.
- Mommy, Daddy, help!
- CLAIRE: What is happening?
- Ghost! We saw a ghost!
- The damn house is haunted!
ETHEL (growling): Leave!
(kids screaming)
Person blood!
Leave! (groaning)
- Everyone was just leaving.
- Oh, good.
(sobs) This would probably be considered
a very bad private showing.
Full disclosure, this is
squirrel blood, not human.
Um, but each squirrel
only bleeds a few ounces,
so do the math.
So many squirrels!
She peels them like Fruit Roll-Ups!
Julia, I'm so sorry.
I'm just a mother who was looking
to have a nice Mother's Day,
and things got out of control.
Oh, cool, got it,
thanks. Great explanation.
(groans) My hip is killing
me. It must be the weather.
It's not the weather.
It's the stairs, Mom.
This house has too many stairs for you.
You're so old.
It's why I want her to move in with me.
Right, right. That makes sense.
- Honey, let's go.
- I'm leaving, too.
I'll find a new job.
- Maybe I'll be a spine-o-cologist.
- What's that?
(crying): Isn't that what
they call spine doctors?
I don't know. I'll find
out when I become one.
She's gonna be okay.
Wait, wait, don't go.
Let me say something.
Spencer, I-I thought you
were being mean to your mom
and you just wanted to
sell the house for money,
but-but really you were being sweet.
You were just worried. I get it.
This house has, like,
600 freaking steps,
and you're scared she's gonna fall
and end up looking like
how she looks right now,
all bloody and gross.
Yes, I am. I'm scared
of a lot of things.
The house catching on fire
because of the exposed
wires in the basement...
The what?
- ... and the lead in the pipes.
- Wait, what? - Oh, my God.
You should be worried
about the squirrels, bro.
They are gonna rise up
and tear that lady apart!
And-and you two, you love this house
and you were about to
make an offer on it.
We were, but then you
made things super weird
and tried to trick us.
And Spencer just disclosed,
like, five other things
- that are total deal breakers.
- I was kidding. (giggles)
Look, we did tell a fib,
and-and Spencer did say some stuff,
but that stuff's all fixable,
and that fib that we told
got you guys to finally realize
that this is the right house for you.
You're not gonna find
another place like this one.
- This house is special.
- It is.
I mean, we'd have to change
everything, but it is special.
So you don't collect spears?
- Um, I mean, no.
- I'm gonna do it, then.
Ethel, listen to me, honey.
This place is just a house now.
Your home is with your son.
He wants you to move in
with him. He cares about you.
Hmm. Spencer never said
it to me quite that way.
He talked a lot about
me falling down stairs,
but I could never tell
if he was pro or con.
- I've been both.
- Oh, fine.
I'll move in with you, Spencey.
Sell the damn house.
Well, I'll let you take
it from here, Julia.
So, do you guys want to buy a house?
- We're gonna need 50,000 off.
- And then another 50,000 off.
- No.
- You got a deal.
Oh, say yes, Spencer. It's a good price.
They don't even know about the sinking.
- The what? - What?
-Nothing. Deal.
- Fine.
- I just sold a house! I sold a home!
All right! (sighs) I'm exhausted.
I'm starving. Who's hungry?
- Anyone want a Fruit Roll-Up?
- (Tina gags)
- I make them myself.
- (Tina gags)
- Jerky?
- We got to go. We got to go!
LINDA: ♪ Mommies are the best ♪
♪ Mommies are the best,
mommies are the best ♪
♪ Moms! ♪
- LINDA: ♪ My mom ♪
- ETHEL: ♪ His mom ♪
- ♪ Your mom ♪
- ♪ Her mom ♪
- ♪ Moms! ♪
- ♪ Moms! ♪
LINDA: ♪ If mama ain't
happy, ain't nobody happy ♪
(vocalizing)
♪ Mommies are the best ♪
♪ Mommies are the best,
mommies are the best ♪
♪ Moms! ♪
- LINDA: ♪ My mom ♪
- ETHEL: ♪ His mom ♪
- ♪ Your mom ♪
- ♪ Her mom ♪
LINDA: ♪ I'm mom-nipotent! ♪
- ETHEL: ♪ Happy Mother's Day ♪
- LINDA: ♪ It's my day. ♪
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.