Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 17 - As I Walk Through the Alley of the Shadow of Ramps - full transcript

*BOB'S BURGERS*
Season 08 Episode 18

Episode Title :
"As I Walk Through
the Alley of the Shadow of Ramps"

Nothing like a game
of bike ride trash toss.

Sport of kings.

It's like Quidditch,
if Harry Potter's life

took a really sad turn.

Taco wrapper off the back lid.

- Nice, T.
- Gene,

I'm loving the new bike basket.

You mean
this sweet handlebar candy?

Why should girls have
all the fun?



This summer's all
about boy baskets.

You're a pioneer.

Now watch me
sink these moldy buns

from out in three-point land.

Geez!

Hi, I'm Alice,
your new neighbor.

Could you move, please?

- Nice to meet you, too, Alice.
- We'll move.

We just have to deal
with this pile of garbage.

My name is Gene.

Could you speed it up a smidgen?

Sorry, we're working at
full smidgen.

Uh, try doing it like you
were strong, healthy children.

What's the racket?



Oh, you guys are playing
bike ride trash toss?

- We were.
- How's the notary business, Mr. Huggins?

Well, you know what they
say about being a notary.

- What?
- Nothing. Nobody ever

says anything about it.

Hello? Did everyone
forget about me?

I did. Sorry.

When Hairy met Smoothie

Smoothies and Hair Removal."

So, you guys remove
hair from the smoothies?

Ugh. This question again.

I don't have time for this.

Lady, if you're in such a hurry,

why not use the street,
like a normal person?

Because if I drive that way,
I have to make a left

into traffic and it takes
forever and it makes me cranky.

This is you not cranky?
No thanky.

But if I go this way,
it's easy, and I can get lost

in my CD of New Age Celtic
pop, and begin my day.

But I can't do that if
kids are blocking the alley.

So...

All done, drive through.

Yeah. So sorry
to keep you waiting.

Thank you, tricycle girl.

You're welcome,
weird business truck lady.

Starting my day now, bye.

♪ Ancient fountains ♪

- ♪ Ooh... ♪
- Yeah! Get that Enya in ya.

What a piece of work.

She's not gonna ruin
our fun, though, right?

Bean can from downtown.

Should've gone in.

Bob's Burgers.

Oh, hi. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, sweetie, hold on.

Slow down,
you're talking crazy, honey.

- Oh, is it your sister?
- Bob says hi.

O-Okay, okay, just sit tight.

- I'm coming over.
- What's wrong?

It's Gayle's first day at
her new job at the art museum,

- and she's gonna quit.
- That's her thing, right?

She gets a job and threatens
to quit after one day.

You know what?
You're right. Maybe this time,

I should just let her
figure it out for herself.

You're grabbing
your keys,

and you're picking up
your purse.

I got to go, I got to go.

Gayle, sweetie,
I'm here.

Oh, thank God.
Hold me up.

I've been standing so long.

Gayle, G-Gayle.

I can't be a security guard,
Linda.

Gayle, stand up.

I can't feel my legs.

Here, here, you're standing
up, you're standing.

I got to quit, Linda.

I'm not made for this.

I'm not an athlete.

Gayle, look at that guy.

- Yeah?
- He's, like, a hundred years old.

If he can do it, you could do it.

I'll never be that good.

Listen, you'll get used
to it. I stand all day.

Now I've got the best calves
in the family, besides Gene.

It's not just the standing,
Linda.

I thought I was gonna
be a protector of art.

Guarding it from art thieves,
and people who lick sculptures.

People lick sculptures?

Of course they do.
Grow up, Linda.

Oh. I-I... What the hell
is wrong with this world?

But look around. It's boring here.

Gayle, give it another day.

And if you still hate it
after that day,

you give it another day.

And you keep going like that.
Forever.

- That's what working is.
- Linda, no!

But it's not all bad.

They pay you, and
you get to go home after

and say,
"What a day," and drink.

- That does sound nice.
- Thatta girl.

- Now stand in the place where you work.
- Okay.

And then, she just drove away.

What's her problem?
She doesn't own the alley.

Yeah, kids play in alleys,
right? I did.

I was a real Alley Sally till
I met your father, settled down.

I hate when people
cut through the alley.

E-Except for that guy in
the Corvette. He's cool.

I think we'd be friends
if we had the opportunity.

She called me "tricycle girl."

What's up with that?

Jealous, probably.

Yeah, probably. Hey, uh,

speaking of your,
uh, big wheel...

- Mean green machine.
- Right, mean green machine.

Maybe it's time for
another, um, you know.

- What?
- Another go at the old two-wheeler?

I could give you a lesson again.

No offense, Dad, but the
last one didn't go so great.

Louise, tell me when
you want me to let go.

- Not yet.
- Okay, now. Let go now.

I'm trying. Your hands
are on top of my hands.

- Now, Dad!
- Louise, relax your grip.

- Let go now!
- You're digging your nails in!

Louise, honey, let me teach you.

Your dad's nice, but uh,
you know, he's not so bright.

Hey, I'm good at it. I-I taught Tina.

- Ha!
- What?

I taught Tina.

I worked with her for a week.

And you swooped in at the
end to give her her last push.

I "swooped in"?

- Like a pterodactyl.
- Hairy-dactyl.

Hey, with me, the
proof is in the pudding.

Don't forget, I taught Gene.

AKA the pudding.

Actually, I taught Gene.

Mom kept running off
to answer the phone.

That woman never says
no to a phone call.

It was Ginger. She was
going through something.

I'm not allowed to
say what, but it rhymes

with "botched schmemorrhoid surgery."

Hey, I helped teach Gene, too,
remember?

I remember.

- I remember the crying.
- The crying?

Your dad usually cries
when he teaches bike riding.

Well, yeah, because a beautiful
moment is about to happen.

A kid's first ride.

- Oh, boy.
- Here it comes.

Guys, I appreciate what
you're trying to do here,

but I could ride a bike.

I choose not to.

Three wheels are better
than two. It's math.

Well, what do we do to
put off doing the dishes?

- Parcheesi?
- Cheese party?

Parcheesi cheese party.

Wow, that actually sounds great.

But, before that, Gene
and Tina and I were gonna

do a thing real quick?
R-Remember?

- Um, sure.
- Yes?

Well, be quick. We got
your father all excited.

I'll get the Parcheesi board.

Uh, Lin,
you get the cheese board.

W-Wait, let's switch.

- Where are we going, Louise?
- And am I dressed for it?

Is this a missed
scarf-ortunity?

Remember our friend Alice?

She parks right here,
so I'm thinking,

we write something in the
dust on her back window.

And by "we," I mean "you,"
'cause I can't reach.

- What are we gonna write?
- Glad you asked.

"If You Can Read This, You're
Behind A Stinky Turd Truck."

- Huh.
- Oh.

Yeah. Pretty good, right?

It's kind of rough?

- Why don't we, um, tweak it a little?
- Okay.

"If you can read this,
you're behind

"what might be a stinky turd truck.

Anyway, have a nice day.
Smiley face, one love."

- It's perfect.
- Good collab, guys.

I got to meet some kids
who know more curse words.

Louise, we're not gonna
start something

when the lady comes through,
right?

Nah. We've sent a message.

A weird, wordy message.

I'm glad "one love" stayed in.

You guys were gunning for it.

Look, here she comes.

- I'm so nervous.
- Relax.

She doesn't know we did it.

I know what you kids did.

- Uh-oh.
- Lady, drive on by,

we don't know
what you're talking about.

Yeah, you do, tricycle girl.

Okay, enough
with the tricycle stuff.

Why don't you want to
talk about it?

Because you're
too old to be riding one?

- Okay.
- Whoa.

That's right,
I went there, with a child.

And now, I'm so upset,
I don't even want this smoothie

I worked so hard on.

What the hell just happened?

I didn't mean to do that,
but, let's call it a happy accident.

This is an active alley.

It is not for little kids on bikes.

♪ Whispering birds
on a tree stump... ♪

Still feel good about
the "one love," Gene?

Yes, I do.

Fire escape, huh?
Whatcha doing? Escaping fires?

We have to hit back
at Alice, and hit hard.

Because of what she said
about your green machine?

This isn't about my green machine, T
ina.

But we can all agree,
nine is not too old.

It's single digits.

It's a six upside down;
how is that too old?

Sure, s-sure.

This is about our
God-given alley access.

Oh, and not getting
smoothie splashed on us.

Subpar smoothie.

Bananas and beets are not friends.

But what can we do?
We're just three kids,

and she's a mean woman
with a big truck.

Right. But what if we
weren't just three kids?

Come back in 20 years?

I am loving this plan.

Rudy, buddy.

We're, uh, planning a
bike party in our alley.

Do you still have those
ramps you built with your dad?

Huh, smaller than
advertised, but not bad.

Lot of good memories in
these ramps, huh, buddy?

You and I, hammering away at them

in the driveway of
my condo. - Mm-hmm.

Always something fun
happening at Dad's, huh?

- Right, son? Right, son?
- Ow. Don't do that.

- We don't do that.
- Sorry, yeah. Sorry.

So how many people
did you invite

to this bike party, Louise?

A few. Everyone.

It doesn't matter.

If you have ramps, kids will come.

Yeah, not in my experience,
but okay.

What's Louise doing in the alley?

Setting up for a bike party.

Huh. I didn't get invited.

And I'm the two-wheel teaching master.

What about me?
I'm a good teacher.

I taught you all the difference

between Dermot McDermott
and Dylan Mulroney.

Dammit. Oh, ugh.

Bob's Burgers.

- Hi, Linda.
- Hi, Gayle. How's work?

Terrible. So boring.
I got to quit.

Gayle, any good protector of art

knows the threats don't
always jump out at you.

- I don't know.
- Look around, Gayle.

- What do you see?
- A statue.

Oh, wait, that's a lady.
She's wearing all white.

- Oh.
- Oh, no, wait, it's a statue.

- Oh, no, she moved.
- Oh.

Do statues move?

Gayle, Gayle, what else?
What else, honey?

Well, there's a guy in the next gallery.

He comes here every day and
stares at this one painting.

Every day?

Gayle, you think nothing happens there.

You're wrong. That guy?

He's, uh, casing the joint.
He wants that painting.

- What?!
- What's he look like? Describe him.

Good-looking,
but not too good-looking.

Like the Planters Peanut.

Sounds like he doesn't want
to draw attention to himself.

He's that good. You got to watch him.

You might just stop the
biggest art heist in history.

You think so?

I know so. Now, I'm gonna
check back in with you

at the end of your shift.
I want a full report.

Okay. Call me every ten minutes.

No, at the end of your...
Oh, Gayle, Gayle, I got to go.

You hear that? That's why I'm
the world's greatest sister.

Oh, they all left.

- Wow, Louise, nice turnout.
- I'm pretty happy with it.

Well, I guess I got to go
back inside.

I'm-I'm getting a little weepy

just being around all these bikes.

Yeah, go inside, Dad.

That's not really the
vibe we're going for.

Okay, I'd say
be careful on the ramps,

but those are some very
small ramps.

Yeah, don't let Rudy hear you say that.

Here goes everything.

They should serve a meal on that flight.

So you call this thing a "boy basket"?

Also known as a "man-sket."

And Zeke, if you're thinking
about getting one, do it.

I got my wax lips in here,
extra socks,

a free yoga magazine
I found, prednisone.

I could give my turtle a ride.

You have a turtle?

You've met Terry, like,
a thousand times, Zeke.

Oh, Terry.

Right, I met him.

See that, Tina? That is a woman

who's about to take a left
into traffic.

Huh. Yeah, she's not even
trying to come down the alley.

It's called defeat.

And she wears it like
a splattered smoothie.

- Po Po.
- Oh, crap.

Hey, is everything
okay over there, Louise?

Hang back, Rudy.
I'll handle this.

Oh, boy...

Having a bike party?

Yeah, Officer, just some
wholesome summer fun.

Well, uh,
we got an anonymous complaint

from, uh, actually,
that lady right there,

that you're blocking the alley.

Yeah, we need you to disperse.

We'll move. Right, Louise?

'Cause the police are saying to.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right away.

Ugh...

This is gonna be hard to break

this to the little guy.

It meant so much to him.

What little guy?
You're all little guys.

That one. This is kind
of, um, a benefit for him.

Oh, yeah,
I have a cousin like that.

He's not asthmatic,
he's just like that.

Yeah, we set up some
ramps, passed the hat.

I wish we could do more.

Can't you do it somewhere else?

We could. It's just...
he likes the alley.

It's more private here.
People don't, you know, stare at him.

- What's going on, Louise?
- Ah... Oh, God.

Rudy, buddy,
I've got some bad news.

Hey, you know what?
Never mind that.

We, uh, w-we'll block off the alley.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Good luck, kid.

Why are you saying good luck?
Why did he say, "Oh, God"?

Hey, we're here for you, son,
the whole damn police force.

Um... why?

Ah... Look at that face.

- And your shriveled-up little arms.
- Yeah.

What's happening?
Should I be insulted?

Can we still ride bikes?

Of course you can,
just like a normal kid,

just like a normal kid.

Thanks for your help, officers.
You did a good thing today.

- I'm a normal kid. I... He's...
- Yeah, yeah.

-You're real normal, Rudy.
- Am I not, like, a normal kid?

- Right, officers?-
- That's right.

God, I'm so cranky!
Getting crankier!

Check and mate.

Yup. She's really having
trouble with that left.

Mess with the Belchers and
you will be mildly inconvenienced.

You kids are quiet tonight.

I can actually hear
the show we're watching.

It's called Mr. Robot,
but he's human?

I don't get it.
Pass the nuts.

Guys, this is a silence
that falls over

a just and peaceful land.

- Who's Justin Peaceful?
- I think he's a folk singer.

Oh, must be Rudy.

Him and his dad were gonna
come pick up the ramps.

Thanks for holding on to 'em,
Louise.

That's weird. I left them
right here by the back door.

- Oh, crap.
- Wh-What? What, oh, crap?

She took the ramps.

What? We've been ramp-jacked?

I knew we should've insured them.

Who would do a thing like that?
Maybe rollerbladers.

- Those guys are pretty tough.
- Someone else.

Someone who just took a left
turn into a world of hurt.

Oh, no.

So, you wanted my ramps

to get back at a lady
who was mean to you,

- and now that lady has them?
- Maybe you shouldn't have

left the ramps in the alley, Louise.

Yeah, there's only five
things thieves are looking for:

cash, jewelry, swords, velor and ramps.

I didn't think about it,
okay? But don't worry, Rudy.

We're gonna march over
and take what's yours.

She doesn't have your ramps.
The garbage men took 'em.

- What?
- I tried to stop 'em.

I was calling, "Hey!
Don't take the ramps!

Don't take the ramps!"

But I had a toothbrush
in my mouth then,

and it probably sounded like,

"Mwah, mwah, moo, moo, moo, moo, mwah!"

But I put the ramps over there.

They were nowhere near the garbage.

- Well, she moved 'em.
- What?

That lady you guys are fighting with,

she moved 'em
by the Dumpsters.

Ugh. She must've known
they'd get taken.

I didn't know
why she was moving 'em.

I mean, she was laughing
like a crazy person saying,

"That'll show 'em!"

You know, maybe that
should've tipped me off.

It's okay, Mr. Huggins.

It's only partially your
fault, mostly her fault,

and nobody else's fault.

Well, I mean, you're the one

who left the ramps out
here when there's...

Rudy, I threw you a benefit.

Bob's Burgers.

Linda.
The eagle has landed.

The hawk is in the hamper.

What?
Wh-What are you talking about?

- I got the bastard.
- You what?

The art thief,
I got him in custody.

Gayle, Gayle, where are you?

The interrogation room.

Wha? They have one of
those at the art museum?

Mm-hmm. It's also
the employee bathroom.

Oh, my God, Gayle,
don't do anything.

I'm coming over there.
Don't do anything.

Bob, if I'm not back soon,

it's 'cause I'm on the lam with Gayle.

- Okay, sounds good.
- Okay, I got to go.

Oh, God. Here she comes.

Move, Little Trikey Me-No-Likey.

Not until you pay back my friend
for his surprisingly safe ramps.

Hi, I'm the friend.

Pretty dangerous ramps,
actually. Pretty scary.

I said move.

Oh, I am not moving.

I am gonna eat in this alley
and sleep in this alley,

and you are never
driving through here again

in your whole life, or at
least until school starts.

Move. Honk.

No. Honk.

Do it. Honk.

I won't. Honk!

I mean it. Honk.

I don't care! Honk!

What a couple of honkies.

I don't like this,
Louise. It's dangerous.

- Tina, it's fine. Honk!
- Louise.

Honk infinity.

- She's good.
- What if she thinks

she's in park, but she's not,

and she takes her foot
off the brake and... Ah!

- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Oh, Tina, come on!

You kids aren't ruining my morning.

♪ Moss and fog, moss and fog ♪

- ♪ Moss and fog. ♪
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Are you frickin' kidding me?!

Oh, whoa.

Tina, put the pedal to the...

However this thing works.
Go, just go.

We got to catch up
with that truck.

I got eyes on your
green machine.

So far it's hanging in there.

- Kind of.
- Whoa! Bikes can go so fast.

I mean, how does it
even stay up?

We should be wiping out all
over the street right now.

Ahh! Okay, now you're
getting in my head.

Let's not look at this
too closely.

She's turning on Garden Street.

She's heading towards downtown.

Where the young professionals are.

They love smoothies
and hair removal.

Let's cut through that alley.

But what if we run into a bunch
of kids who don't want us to?

Whoa, irony, Right?

Hold on. It's a tight squeeze.

Guys! There's a board
against some trash up ahead.

I think... I think I'm
gonna have to take it.

Rudy, be care... Oh,
that's not very scary.

Whoa!

- Did you guys see that?
- See what?

- It's okay. God saw.
- There she is!

Faster, Tina!

Gayle, it's Linda, let me in.

We got him just in time.

He was about to make a move.

Oh, hi, hi.
How are you? You good?

- What's your name, hon?
- Neil.

Neil? It's nice to meet
you, Neil. I'm Linda.

Are you the good cop
or something?

Oh, my God.
Uh, Gayle, sweetie, he's innocent.

You know that, right?

- He is?
- Of course he is.

I'm sorry I got you riled
up. I was trying to help.

I didn't think you
were gonna kidnap a guy.

You should always think
I'm gonna kidnap a guy.

I know. You're right.
But, you know,

now you got to put him
back where you found him.

But he knows too much now.

- We got to get rid of him.
- No, Gayle.

- Stop.
- Okay, fine.

Sorry, sir.

We're really sorry.

You're not mad, right?

I'm just confused. I mean,

I-I love this place.

I love that painting.

I-I would never hurt it
or steal it.

No, of course not.

What's so special about
that painting, anyway?

It's just a bunch of lines
and colors and splotches.

I'm an artist, so I
know the terminology.

Oh, I-I guess you could
say it gives me some comfort

ever since my wife died.

Oh, aw.

Did I say "wife"? I meant "cat."

Oh, my God,
you poor thing.

H-Hey, I think you two
should get some coffee.

- Really?
- You do?

Yeah, I do.

A guy who says "wife"
but means "cat"?

That's a guy you got
to get to know, Gayle.

How about right now? Oh, I have a job.
Oh, I want to quit!

Gayle, just meet him
at 5:00, for God's sake.

Oh, it's okay, Gayle.

Uh, I'll just hang around
until then.

Oh. Maybe I can lean against you.

Oh. You're really gonna lean, huh?

Yeah, this'll work.
Let's go guard some art.

There she is.

You followed me?

Yeah, we did.

You dragged my green
machine all over town.

I what? Oh, my God.

That is not easy to look at.

It's like something you
dance around at Burning Man.

I didn't know it was there.

Understandable.

It's only a big chunk of plastic

you dragged under your
truck for, like, two miles.

I could have killed you.

Oh. Huh. Well, I guess that's true.

I like how upset you are.

Keep that coming.

- Okay, too much.
- I'm sorry.

Things have been crazy.
I've been so on edge

since I dumped my
savings into this truck.

It seems like a can't-miss idea,
right?

- Um, yeah, uh...
- Sure, sure.

But business is bad.

Business is very bad.

Well, maybe
that's your problem?

It makes me feel awful,
you know?

That part of trying
something new

when I just suck at it.

What if I suck at it forever?

I don't know. Give up?

No, no, no.
It's okay, Alice.

We've all been there.
Haven't we?

Sorry, lady.
You're not gonna get me

and my messed up green
machine to feel bad for you.

I'm just saying,
we've all had that fear

when you're trying something new

that's kind of scary

and you think you're never
gonna be able to do it, right?

I did when I was switching
from boob to bottle.

Hardest four years of my life.

Okay, so we covered Gene.
And maybe someone else

can relate in some way?

- I don't like bats.
- Okay, that's totally off-topic.

Sorry, I thought we were just
talking about scary stuff.

Louise, what have you
been scared about lately?

Something that's "wheel-y"
hard to start doing?

- "Two-wheel-y" hard?
- I'm gonna also say bats.

Nope, that's not
something you do.

Uh, can I guess?

Shut up, Alice. Sorry, sorry.

All right, I get it.
I get it, Tina. Geez.

Oh, good.

And maybe you have a point.

Alice, I can see how
you might not have been

your best self during
our alley interactions.

Thank you.
And I just want to say

I also don't like bats.

Hard thing to admit.
Respect.

You know what?

I am gonna stick with
this business.

Ah, ha! Good one.
Oh, you're serious.

I mean, good. Solid plan.

And I want to pay you back
for the ramps and the trike...

- Great.
- in store credit!

- Would you prefer waxes or smoothies?
- Smoothies.

- Smoothies.
- Smoothies. - Waxes!

Sorry again a
bout your ramps, Rudy.

It's okay.

My dad and I will build
more ramps.

From the ashes rise ramps.

- More ramps.
- Huh.

Is there something different
about Jimmy Jr. and Zeke?

Check it out, Gene.
Our man-skets.

How'd I ever get
by without one of these?

Yeah!
Summer of the boy basket.

And what about your green
machine, Louise? I mean,

free smoothies take some of
the sting out of it, but...

Yeah. Well, I've been thinking...

Move back.
Everyone move back.

We're back as far as we can go,
Louise.

Move back further.
Mom, no pictures.

Right, right, right.
Mr. Huggins, you got this?

I got it.

Mom, who are you taking
to? What'd you just say?

Nothing, nobody.
Just focus on the bike and smile.

Here we go in five, four...

- Dad, no crying!
- I'm sorry.

Don't worry, Louise.
If your father screws this up,

I'm ready to step in
and be the hero.

For the record,
I totally paved the way

for this whole thing to happen

with my amazing speech earlier.

But yeah, it's fine.

Three, two, one...

Oh!

Pedal! Pedal! You're
becoming a woman, Louise!

Okay, Dad, let go.

Wait, not yet! Okay, now!

♪ Like a bat out of
hell, I'll be gone ♪

♪ When the morning comes ♪

♪ Oh, when the night is over ♪

♪ Like a bat out of hell ♪

♪ I'll be gone, gone, gone ♪

♪ Like a bat out of hell ♪

♪ I'll be gone when
the morning comes ♪

♪ But when the day is done
and the sun goes down ♪

♪ And the moonlight's
shining through... ♪

♪ Then like a sinner ♪

♪ Before the gates of heaven ♪

♪ I'll come crawling on back... ♪