Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 16 - Boywatch - full transcript

*BOB'S BURGERS*
Season 08 Episode 17

*BOB'S BURGERS*
Episode Title: "Boywatch"

Whoa, the beach is littered
with tourists... and litter.

Who just lays
on a blanket all day?

Yeah, give your couch another try!

- Couches are wonderful!
- Totally.

And I hate how the water
makes the sand stick to your...

Sugar cookies!

Skin.

That's... a lot of contact.

Good idea. We should
go in for a closer look.



Hey. Hi. We were just wondering
why you're rolling around

in the sand like that? On
each other? No judgment.

- We're doing sugar cookies.
- Sugar cookies?

The sand's the sugar,
we're the cookies.

Listen, pal, if sand
was sugar, I'd know it.

It's a cool way for the squad
to bond. And warm up.

The squad? What kind
of squad is it anyway?

Just curious about
squads, mainly this one.

- We're junior lifeguards.
- We get to do several

of the same drills actual lifeguards do.

And when we graduate, our
squad's picture will go

on the wall of honor in
the lifeguard station.

Just above the copier. So...

- Wow.
- Well, thank you for you service



to our beach,
to yourselves.

Hydrate, snack, sunscreen!

So... how does one
become a junior lifeguard?

Well, you got to love, but
also respect, the beach.

That's so funny. I was just saying

how much I love, but
also respect

- the beach.
- Ha!

You got to be a strong
open ocean swimmer,

you got to thrive in a
disciplined environment,

and you got to enjoy hard work.

- It's like you people know me.
- Hmm?

So where do I sign up?

Sign-ups were last week.

Kelly's right.
This session already started,

and we're at capacity.

Thanks for the helpful
bit of info, Kelly.

No prob. Hey, Michael,
want me to get your back?

Sure, and I'll get your back.

So much contact.

Partner up for the buoy swim!

You can always sign up
for the next session.

- When's that?
- Next year!

Next year? That's in,
like, a million years!

Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

I fell in a dumb hole!

- Kelly, don't move, girl.
- Ow!

- We're looking at a grade three sprain.
- Ow!

- Ooh!
- Aah!

- But that'll take weeks to heal!
- It's true.

And by then,
this session will be over.

Oh, my God. I wish I never
even had stupid ankles.

Parker, Willow,
help her to the station.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Why don't stupid people
fill in holes?

Speaking of filling
in, since Kelly's out,

does that mean
I can fill in for her?

Huh. Let me think about that.

Mm. Let me ask you this.

Why do you want to
be a junior lifeguard?

I want to be a junior
lifeguard because...

Ah.

Because I love the beach, I'm
a very, very strong swimmer,

I'm super into discipline,

and I've always wanted
to be a lifeguard.

Yup, all true.
You can check my journal.

Uh, can we get
the Wi-Fi password?

The-the Wi-Fi
password?

Yeah, for the network
"Kids Trapped Send Help."

Oh, uh, that's my
family's Wi-Fi network.

My-my kids named it that.
They're not really trapped.

I just don't know how to change it.

Uh, pretty sure it's
pronounced "wiffy," right?

Dude, it's "Wi-Fi."

I think... I mean, I think it's "Wi-Fi."

Are we sure? Everyone's
in agreement

- it's "Wi-Fi"?
- Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna keep
calling it "wiffy" in

my head. Can't stop
me from doing that.

So, can I get the password?

Right, but it's my family's
personal home network

for upstairs family use, so...

Should we go across the street?
I'm pretty sure they have Wi-Fi.

The password is "dadsbald,"
all lowercase one word.

- Lin!
- Great. Thank you.

Bob, people expect to
have Wi-Fi nowadays.

Free Wi-Fi is this generation's
free pens at the bank.

Those pens aren't free, Lin.

You have to break the
chain to get the pen.

Yeah, it's easy. -But maybe
free Wi-Fi is good for business.

- That guy falls.
- Except for Teddy,

- using it here for that.
- Oh, that's got to hurt.

Everyone, out of the water!

Why am I saying that, you ask?

- No. I mean, yes.
- Because I am...

As soon as you sign this fun

and mostly filled-out
permission form...

The newest member of the
famous Junior Lifeguards.

- So famous.
- So junior.

Um, Tina, should we
work on your swimming?

I remember you not knowing
how to do that... so great.

- Don't write that.
- It's fine. She floats.

- It's like me. We're floaters.
- All right.

Just when you thought it was
safe to go back in the water.

- Ow.
- It's not.

All right, gang, it's time to
officially welcome Tina here

- into the Junior Lifeguards.
- Thanks, Zack.

Couple things about me... I
go to school, I live at home.

And I swim really,
really well.

Okay, cool. Thanks a lot, Tina.

Oh, and I'm pretty single
right now.

I believe you guys were
wondering about that earlier.

All right, time to
stretch out, everybody.

Look, I know
I'm only here

because Kelly had that
super embarrassing fall.

Yes, I'm taking her place,
but I'm not the new Kelly.

Michael, whatever you had
with Kelly

doesn't just mean you have that with me.

No, yeah, I-I know... that...

Unless it does.

Tina, less talking, more stretching!

Sorry! Hey, how about some of
us start a second row back here?

Uh, this is too much, actually.

- I'm coming back.
- Tina, stop messing around!

All right, guys, let's
set up for a paddle relay.

Or we dive right into sugar cookies?

Some of us haven't done that yet?

All right, that's it. Drop
and give me 20. Everybody!

- Why everybody?
- Because, Parker, this is a squad.

You sink or swim, or save
sinking swimmers as a squad.

Thanks a lot, Tina.

High step, high step and...
dolphin dive!

- Great dolphin, Willow.
- Thanks!

Tina, you're the last one.

Okay. Wow that's cold.

This is gonna take me a
few minutes to ease in.

Run! Now! Go!

Aah! Aah!

That's enough of the water for me today.

Are there some indoor drills
we can do?

- We're startin' over!
- What?!

The squad does not finish

until everyone can
get past the breakers.

- So unfair!
- Huh. If ever there was a time

to do sugar cookies,
am I right?

Who wants to show me the proper
rhythm for chest compressions

on Can't Breathe-y Stevie here?

Jason, you ready to shine, bro?

So, what do you think of Jason?
I'm pretty sure he's into you.

- Jason's my brother.
- Oh. I was wondering

why you both said "Bye,
Mom" to the same lady.

Still, there's something there.

So, whatcha writing?
A novel?

What? Oh, no, just
catching up on e-mail.

Ooh, is it an e-mail to your
publisher about your novel?

No. I-It's about the
kids' soccer schedule.

Oh.

I can't believe we didn't
think of free Wi-Fi before.

It's busy, but calm.

Everyone's happy just
staring at their screens.

Yeah, but I thought
it'd be different.

Like, creative people,
writing the next big thing,

free-flowing ideas.

Instead it's just e-mail
and online shopping,

and whatever that guy's
watching and crying about.

Uh, it's the British Baking Show.

Yeah, some old guy made a Swiss roll

that made me feel something, for once.

It's weird that this is how
they choose the prime minister.

There's my little Tina-la Anderson.

Was your first day at the
beach a day at the beach?

Ugh, I'm tired,
but also exhilarated.

So, what did we learn?

Well, we learned that Michael
and Kelly are still texting

each other even though she's
not in Junior Guards anymore.

Which is fine. Love
triangles are pretty common

in JGs, I think.

Right, but did you learn
anything about life-guarding,

or swimming?

Geez, Dad, give the girl a break.

She's probably exhausted

from staring at all
those lifeguard butts.

- Oh, my God.
- Well, I'm gonna go rest up.

Tomorrow is another big day of
drama on the beach, starring me.

♪ Beach drama ♪

♪ Beach drama, whoa ♪

♪ Beach drama, beach drama ♪

♪ Can't Breathe-y Stevie ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Beach drama. ♪

When you're done cleaning
the boards, you can go.

And I hope it's as un-fun as
it looks.

It is un-fun.
And it's messed up

that we're all punished when
only one of us is messing up.

Well, it might be "messed up,"

but it's how we do things
in Junior Guards, gang.

That person you're referring
to needs to think long and hard

about why she's here.

And that she can quit at any time.

'Cause if this continues,
I'm not so sure

this squad is gonna graduate
next week.

- Jeesh, what's his problem?
- You.

- You're the problem.
- Yeah. Just quit, Tina.

Okay, I-I think we all just
need to cool down and lotion up.

Want me to get your back, Michael?

No, I don't want you to get my back.

I just want to get through
one day

without you getting us in trouble.

Ouch.

Tina, why are you even
here? You're not JGM.

What's JGM?

Junior Guard Material.

Face it, Tina, you're a screw-up.

But I'm the lovable screw-up.
We all have our roles.

He's the hot one, he's also
the hot one. You guys get it.

Tina, Zack, Jason and Parker are right.

Mm, I think Willow said it, too.

You should really think
about quitting.

- Yeah.
- Oh, if that's how you all feel,

then, fine, I guess I'll quit.

What was that, Michael? I should
stay? I'm the quiet leader?

Did not say anything.

Oh. So, n-no one's gonna stop me?

Fine.

I'm gonna turn in my whistle and can.

Bob, have you seen that video

where the monkey
falls out of the tree

after he smells his
stinky finger?

Take your headphones off, Teddy.
You're talking way too loud.

Yeah, he scratches his butt,
then he smells his finger,

then he falls right out of the tree.

Oh, I'm not doing it justice.
I can't describe it.

- Y-You got to see it for yourself.
- Teddy!

- Take your head...
- No, I'm just gonna forward it

- to you.
- Ugh. Forget it.

Here's your order.

In the mouth, headed south.

Ha, ha!

Nothing? Really?

You're not gonna look
up from the screen,

even with me talking to you now?

Hello? I put poison
in your fries.

Okay, that's it. That's
enough screen time, people!

Let's all take a ten-minute break.

- Lin.
- Okay, I'm going upstairs

- to unplug the router.
- No, no, no, Lin.

The Wi-Fi has been good
for business.

It's good for business,
but bad for humans.

I don't want to live in a
world where people don't look up

and smile at me when
I say hilarious stuff.

Aw. Not you, too, Sergeant Bosco.

Shush, shh, shh. Shut up.

Don't say my name.

I'm undercover.

Um, but your badge is right there.

Damn it. Don't look at me.

Just act normal and
pretend I'm a customer.

Uh, what would you like to
eat today, Sergeant Customer?

I'll, uh, have, uh... mm, a coffee.

- Very natural.
- Shush!

Um, why
are you undercover?

I'm investigating cyber
robberies, that's why.

Hence the shorts.

Some scumbag on your
Wi-Fi network

is hacking into people's computers

and stealing identities
and credit card numbers

and buying some really
dumb stuff online.

Who is it?

If I knew that, I wouldn't
be undercover, would I?

Um, it says "police" on
the back of your shirt.

Got-dangit!

Bob,
change shirts with me.

Um, no.

So someone in the restaurant
is a computer hacker, huh?

Well, it's something.

Okay, I'm in.

What do you...
what do you mean, you're in?

I'm in. Let's go,
let's do it, baby.

- What?
- Is it him?

- Is it her? Is it... is it her?
- Her what? -Is it him?

- What are you talking about? No.
- Is it him?

- Not... No. Is it that one?
- GENE: Him.

- What about that one?
- I don't know. Shh!

You shush.
We're helping.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Okay. Sure.
Yeah, we can make

the fun run a 3K instead
of a 2K this year.

Yeah, another K is no prob.

Okay, look, I got to go.
The other line's ringing.

Lifeguard station, this is Zack.

Uh-huh,
mm-hmm,

you want to move the sand castle
contest to south of the pier?

I bet you can't wait to get
up on that wall of honor.

I'm not going up on the wall.

Sure you are.
You're a Junior Lifeguard, ain't ya?

Not for much longer.

I'm turning in my whistle and my can.

What?! I can't think of a reason

anyone would want to
leave the Junior Guards.

The truth is, I only signed up

to be around shirtless, teen boys.

Oh. Yeah, maybe quit then.

You might not be JGM.

I appreciate what you're
trying to do, but really,

I think everyone is
right. I should quit.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

But it doesn't feel right to quit.

Tina Belcher isn't a quitter.

But maybe she should be?

Quitting is liberating

and could be the way to go.

That's right, Mr. Old Man,
quitting is not the way to go.

I might've joined Junior
Guards for the wrong reasons,

but I'm gonna finish
it for the right ones.

Sure. Later. Yeah,
Tina, what do you need?

- I came in here to quit...
- Oh, okay, cool.

But a wise, old, wrinkly
man convinced me otherwise.

- Ugh, Gus.
- I swear, I didn't mean to.

Also, "wrinkly"? No.

I've taken very good care of my skin.

So, I quit on quitting.

I'm gonna graduate Junior Guards

and I'm getting on
that wall right there.

Uh, not that wall. That's
the missing person's wall.

Um, that wall.

I can't believe you unquit, Tina.

Now we're never gonna
graduate Junior Guards.

Look, we all just need to
give me a second chance.

I promise I'm gonna work hard

and I'll keep my eyes on the thighs.

I mean, prize.

Partner up for the buoy swim.

So cold! High step! Aah! High step!

And...

I did it. I-I dolphined.

Eh.

Well, it wasn't
the prettiest buoy swim

and it looked like you swallowed
a lot of water out there...

All the water.
But you did it

without
needing to be rescued.

- Nice job, Tina.
- Thank you.

It's the bare minimum,
but you did it.

Thanks again.

Are you close to
finding the cyber crook?

No, no, I'm using
some new program

to trace the hack back
to the source computer,

but I'm-I'm no good at this
tech stuff. I'm terrible.

Maybe hit the keys harder?

Wait a minute.

My Laptop.

"My Laptop"?

Yeah, it's the name of a computer

that's initiating the attack.

Which one of you is My Laptop?

So, we're looking
for someone with a lap.

I'm on it.

No, no, get back here. Damn it.

He's the best in the
business. You're in good hands.

- I forgot what I was looking for.
- My turn.

Don't mind me, I'm just a
little girl lost in a restaurant.

Are you my mommy?

Are you my mommy?

You know, your children are awful.

No, I-I know.

Ah, thanks, everybody.

- Whatever.
- What's that, Parker?

You might have everyone else fooled,

but I still think
you shouldn't be on this squad.

Ugh, come on, Parker.

Tina is really trying.

She hasn't gotten us
in trouble in days.

Yeah, and I'm keeping the
chest glances to a minimum.

And I'm not even thinking
about the love triangle

I'm in with Michael and Kelly.

We're not in a love triangle.

Yes, we are.
We're handling it.

You really think she could
save your life out there?

You'd be willing to put
your life in Tina's hands?

- Um... definitely no.
- Mm, I guess not.

- That's what I thought.
- Guys, come on.

I'm real deal JGM.
I'll prove it to you.

What if, um, I-I did the
open ocean rescue drill?

Tina, that's not a JG
drill, that's an LG drill.

- Right. What's LG again?
- Lifeguard.

Right, right, right.
But I can still do it. I can.

A-And, you know what, if
I can't, then I'll quit.

I just need one of you to
volunteer to be my victim.

I mean, to be rescued. Fine.

I think I know where
I can find a volunteer.

What do you say,
Can't Breathe-y Stevie?

Want to go for a little swim?

Tina, you can do this.

I think, maybe.

Dolphin dive.

Come on, Stevie, let's show
these guys that I can...

Oh, God, you're heavy.

She's doing it, sort of.

Are you absorbing water?
Please, don't do that.

- Looks like she's gonna make it.
- I can't believe it.

Remain calm. Help has arrived.

Wait a second, is that Ti...
Tina and Can't Breathe-y Stevie?

What are you doing out here, Stevie?

Oh, hi, Zack.

You come here, too? No way.

Okay. Bye.

So, let me get this straight.

You snuck into the equipment shed,

you stole poor Stevie here,

dropped him into the ocean...
Probably ruining him...

And attempted to perform a
non-sanctioned LG rescue drill?

- Did I miss anything?
- You missed the part

where I was about to
complete an open ocean rescue

to prove to the rest of the
Junior Guards that I belong.

Let me stop you right there.

You don't.
None of you do.

In the 58 weeks

that I've been lead
instructor of Junior Guards,

I've never had to do
this, but guess what?

You're all kicked out.

- What? -
- Yeah. Yeah.

You break the rules as a squad,
you get kicked out as a squad.

You're dismissed forever.

- -Ugh.
- Oh, boy, um...

should we exchange
info and stay in touch?

- Ugh.
- Plan a reunion?

- Okay, everyone is crying.
- Unbelievable.

We can maybe regroup later.

Sorry, Junior Guards of yesteryear.

Don't say sorry to them.

Say sorry to Stevie. He's dead.

Aw, poor baby.

You know, there are a million
junior lifeguard programs

in the sea. You'll find another one.

No, this is the only one in the area.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry.

Yeah, sorry, Tina. I know how
much fun you were having

being around boys
not wearing shirts.

But it was more than that.

I really was loving
being a Junior Guard,

being part of a squad
that meant something.

At least you get to keep
that sweet, sweet whistle.

Oh, no, I got to bring it back tomorrow.

Well, play us something before
you bring it back, will you?

Ma-Maybe not. Maybe not.

I-It's a little shrill.

- You let Mom talk.
- What?!

I let you all down.

I really thought I
belonged up there with you.

Well, good-bye, lifeguard station.

Good-bye, beach.
Good-bye, litter.

Good-bye, sand castle contest.

Good-bye, 3K fun run. Wait.

What the... the fun
run is on the same day

as the sand castle contest?

And the lifeguards are
tending to a level orange,

real-world, Jet Ski reprimand. Oh, no.

Guys, we have a situation.

Why are you wearing that like that?

Because of the situation.

What are you talking about?

Some idiot scheduled a 3K fun run

on the same day as the
sand castle contest.

- So what?
- "So what"?

Willow, the fun runners are
running into a death trap

for their ankles.

See for yourself.

The finish line

is just past the sand
castle competition.

Castles, moats, holes,

and runners headed
straight towards them!

If we don't do something, those
sprained ankles are gonna be on us.

What can we do? We're not even
Junior Lifeguards anymore.

Should we call it in?
Tell the real lifeguards?

They're busy. It's up to us.

We've been trained to deal
with this situation, right?

- Not exactly.
- But pretty close.

- I mean, kind of.
- That's the spirit.

Look, I know
there's been some drama

and I know you all think it's my fault

we got kicked out of Junior Guards...

- It was.
- Totally was.

Uh, right, yeah, sure, possibly.

But right now, we got to put
our issues aside, put our love

- triangle on hold, Michael...
- There's no love triangle.

Okay, fine. Love square.
Looking at you, Jason. - What?

And we go out there and
save some innocent ankles.

Now, who's with me?

- I'm in.
- Me, too.

Let's do this.

Aah!

Faster. Hurry.

The fun runners are almost here.

No.

Aah!

Sergeant Bosco, you're
not undercover anymore?

No more shorts?

Yeah, no more shorts,
probably ever.

Girl, say it ain't true.

So, you got the guy?

Yeah, but it wasn't
a guy. It was a lady.

- The soccer mom. I knew it.
- You did?

- No, but I know it now.
- Well, that's just her cover.

In reality, she's a hacker,
a sort of not-that-great hacker.

But you're a sort of
not-that-great cyber cop.

Yup, so it worked out.

So, are we done then?

No. I got to take your
router for evidence.

I'll get it back to
you as soon as possible,

and when I say that I mean
maybe get a new router.

- Hmm.
- Anyway, thanks for your help.

I mean, you didn't help, but...

can you get the router, please?

Whoa, what the hell is
going on here?

I just got a report that a
bunch of Junior Guards trashed

- the sand castle contest.
- No, no, we were helping.

Tina Belcher. Of course
you were behind this.

What are you even doing here?

What are any of you ex-Junior
Guards even doing here?

You're kicked out.
I already told you that.

Yes, we destroyed
the sand castles,

but we were filling in holes
and moats

so people wouldn't break
their ankles.

"Break their ankles"?

Look, the fun run finish
line was over there,

past the sand castle contest.

What? That can't be.

I think the fun run
usually isn't this long.

Plus, the sand castle contest
is usually on a Sunday.

Yeah, some idiot put
them both on the same day.

Oh, my God.

I may or may not have been that idiot

that we're all
talking about right now.

You kids saved the day

and you saved my hide.
You're heroes.

Sir, Tina is the one
who spotted the situation

and pushed us
to do something about it.

She's the real hero here.

Tina, is that true, girl?

I don't want to say hero,
but I like hearing it.

Well, then I guess
I have no choice

but to let you all graduate

the Junior Lifeguards program.

- All right.
- Yes.

And I'm gonna request
that you never tell anyone

that I was the one who
scheduled all those things

- at the same time.
- Yay!

So, go ahead, everybody.

Get up on that pier for
your final exam.

- What final exam?
- Aw, it's great.

We get to jump off the
pier before we graduate.

That pier?

- Come on, Tina, jump!
- No, thank you.

You can do it!

- No, I really can't.
- Yes, you can.

And, plus, also, you sort of
have to in order to graduate.

- Fine, then. I'm out.
- Tina, no.

Look, I'll tell you what.

If you jump, you all get to
warm up in the sand together.

You mean, sugar cookies?

That's what I'm talking about.

- Aah!
- Sugar cookies.

I'm never using a towel again.

♪ Blow that whistle ♪

♪ Make it thunder ♪

♪ Save that guy ♪

♪ He's going under, under ♪

♪ Jump in the water ♪

♪ Hair's getting tangled ♪

♪ Time to check in, on my
love triangle ♪

♪ Sand's the sugar
and we're the cookies ♪

♪ Sugar cookies ♪

♪ Sand's the sugar
and we're the cookies ♪

♪ Sand's the sugar
and we're the cookies ♪

♪ Sugar cookies ♪

♪♪

The sand's the
sugar, we're the cookies.