Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 15 - Are You There Bob? It's Me, Birthday - full transcript

*BOB'S BURGERS*
Season 08 Episode 16

Episode Title :
"Are You There Bob? It's Me, Birthday"

Synchronized by srjanapala

It's a good thing I'm
finally trimming your bangs, Gene.

You probably couldn't
see anything.

- Could you see anything?
- Who's talking?

Personally, I enjoyed watching
you bump into things.

Huh. I feel like I forgot
to do something else important.

Something yesterday.

Did you forget
to take out the trash?

- Did you forget to fart?
- No.



Did you forget where
you came from?

You're from the streets, Mom.
From the streets.

No. Darn it!
It's on the tip of my tongue.

Oh, well. Maybe I'll go
downstairs and ask

your father!

Oh... Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

What, what? Mom?
Mom! What is it?

- Wh-What... What's happening?
- Y-Yesterday was...

was your father's birthday!

No, it wasn't, that's not
until... Oh, wait, yeah, it was.

It totally was.

I forgot your father's birthday.

No, no, why?

Why, God? No!



I feel bad for Dad.

I feel bad for Mom.

Look at her.
She's a hot mess.

Speaking of hot mess...
Gene, you might

want to take a look
in the mirror real quick.

Aah! My bangs are bungled!

I have bungled bangs!
Why?!

- No, no, no, why?!
- No, no, why?!

Yeah.

- Bob's Burgers.
- Bob, it's Teddy.

- Hey, Teddy.
- I'm sure you noticed

I haven't come in
for a few days.

I did. I mean,
I just noticed.

I'm out of town with my mom.

She signed us up
for a silent retreat.

Teddy, isn't the point of a
silent retreat not to talk?

I'm calling to see if you opened

the birthday e-card that
I sent you yesterday.

Yeah, I was going to, but it
wanted me to download

three new programs...
It just seemed like too many.

It's a picture of a dog
drinking a soda,

a-and when you click on it, he
burps and says "Happy Burpday!"

I-It's a...
It's a little bit of a thinker.

- Yep, that's kind of funny.
- Open it.

I actually am in the middle of
something right now, Teddy.

I'm in one of those
Internet auctions,

trying to get this vintage bacon
weight I've had my eye on.

Geez. You didn't get enough
presents yesterday?

I'm assuming Linda
went all out, right?

Actually, no.
She didn't do anything.

I-It was a little weird.
Maybe she forgot.

Bob, there's no way
Linda forgot your birthday.

Sir, I can't understand
what you're mouthing.

"Get off the phone"?

Okay, Teddy,
I'll talk to you later.

Say hi to your mom for me.

Hey, Mom, Bobby says hi.

Hey, Mom. Mom.

Ma! Mom!

Why?

Don't be so hard
on yourself, Mom.

We forgot his birthday, too,

- if that makes you feel any better.
- It's true.

Oh, it does. No, it doesn't.
There's no excuse.

I can't walk around like this.
This isn't me!

I'm not an Icelandic
punk rocker.

Oh, I'm sorry, Gene.
I'll fix it later.

First I need to fix this
situation with your father.

Why didn't he say anything?

Were there hints or signs
that I missed?

My driver's license
expired today.

Wow, Mister Popular over here.

So glad Facebook reminded me

that it's your special day!

Nope, nothing.

How could we ever
make this up to him?

- Maybe apologize?
- Fake a coma?

Oh! Wait a minute.

I know what we have to do.

We have to give your father
a surprise party. Tonight!

- Tonight?
- Yes, yes, tonight.

We-We just got to get your
father out of the restaurant

for a while.
That way I can say

I was pretending to forget
his birthday,

just to set up
the best surprise ever.

Like the end of that movie,
Seven.

Hi, Bobby.

Hi, guys. Hi, Tina.

You're standing
really close to me.

Hi, Dad.
How are you today?

Hey, you know the guy
who makes the huge bubbles

down at the wharf?

Um, the Bubble Master?

Well, I heard he's making them

bigger than ever these days.

Maybe you should check him out.

That's a great idea, Tina.

Bob, you should go down there
for, uh, three hours.

What? No.
We have to prep for dinner.

Also, everyone knows
the Bubble Master

doesn't work past noon...
He doesn't need to.

He makes a fortune.
I think about him a lot.

- Oh.
- Gene, your hair looks...

uh, great.
"Great" was my first thought.

The people who did this to me
will be prosecuted

to the fullest extent
of the law!

- Damn it.
- What was that?

Oh, just this dumb
online auction.

What are you bidding on...
One of those flashlights

that can blind a bear?

A bunch of Ritalin from Canada?

Just this vintage bacon weight.

- Hello, Belcher family.
- Hi, everyone.

Hi, Hugo. Hi, Ron.

What do you want, Hugo?

Guess what time it is.

W-What time is it?

Health inspection o'clock.

- Hmm.
- Come on, Bob. Let's do this.

All right. Hopefully no one
outbids me on this...

Crap.

Wait, wait.
Uh, hold on, Bob.

Why don't, uh, I just go
with Hugo and Ron,

and, uh, that way
you can stay here,

watch the dining room
and finish your thing.

Oh, uh, great.
Thanks, Lin.

Let's start in the basement,
where molds and bacteria

start their families.

This is weird... everything seems
to be in order down here.

Ron, you find anything?

I thought I saw a dead mouse,

but it was a potato
next to a string bean.

Psst, Hugo, Ron. Come here.

What's going on?
Why are you whispering?

Shh, shh, shh.
I'm planning a surprise party

for Bob's birthday,
and I need to get him out

of the restaurant
for a few hours.

Is there any way
you two could help me?

Help you with Bob's birthday?

Do you have any idea
how uncomfortable

- that would be for me?
- What? Why?

Linda. You and I were
fiancés once.

Yeah, I remember.
Kinda.

Those were the best four
and a half days of my life.

- Okay.
- And now you want me to help you

- plan a party for your husband?
- Yeah.

- Well then,
- I'm gonna

need something
out of this, too.

- Like fries?
- No, Ron, not like fries!

Okay, Hugo, what is it you want?

I want... I want you

to call my parents.

- What?
- It would make a big impression

if you called and asked them
in a sad,

almost begging tone,
if there's any possible chance

that I'm still single.

Oh, Hugo.

- Oh, Hugo.
- Oh, shut up, Ron.

You know what? I'll do it.
I'll call them.

But only if you can
get Bob away,

and keep him away
until 7:00 tonight.

- Do we have a deal?
- Deal.

- Now, let me hear you do it.
- Do what?

The call.
What're you gonna say?

Oh, uh.
Hello, this is Linda.

- Is Hugo still single?
- Sadder.

Oh, um, uh...

Is Hugo still single?

I hope so.

Too much.
Split the difference.

Uh, so, how'd the auction go?

Not good. BaconltToTheLimit31
beat me at the very last second.

Turns out he really does bacon
it. Right up to the limit.

He really does.

The bad news is I didn't find
anything downstairs.

The good news is that I did find

- something upstairs.
- Where?

You need to, um...

update and sign your safe
food-handling license.

W-Wait, what?
I-I don't even think

this one's expired,
by the way.

Uh, yup.
This thing's super expired.

Might as well tear it up.

This is ridiculous.

It is ridiculous.

You're attempting
to operate a restaurant

with a torn-up
food-handling license.

That's why you need to come down
to the Health Department office

and sign for a new license.

In person. Right now.
Or I shut you down.

You can't be serious.

Bob, maybe you should just go.

Take as much time as you need.

All right, fine.
I'll drive down there,

but this better be quick.

Uh, you? Drive?
No, no, no, no, no.

They would never let you in
without a certified vehicle.

W-Wait, what do you mean,
"a certified vehicle"?

Get in the van, Bob.

Or, as I like to call it,
Health on Wheels.

Oh, my God.

Okay, we only have a few hours
to plan this party

and hide the fact that we all
forgot your father's birthday.

And if we pull this off,
we shall never

speak of this
in our family again.

Like that time I caught Dad

flexing his legs in the mirror.

We can do this.
I mean, I love to plan parties.

That's my thing.

That and talking during movies.

All right, we need, uh,
decorations and gifts

and guests and refreshments.

I can be in charge
of decorations.

- Great.
- Yes!

Gene, Louise, what do you want
to be in charge of?

Uh, I can't help
until my hair is

slightly more back
to full hotness.

All right, how about
I give you ten dollars

and you go ask Gretchen
if she can fix it?

Or... better idea...
I'll help Gene with his hair.

And I'll do it for a discounted
rate of only eight dollars.

But I don't have any change,
so I'll just take this.

Okay, okay, just do it quick.

I'm gonna start making calls.

Everybody, hands in the middle.

Let's throw a party
to cover up the fact

we forgot Dad's birthday!

Let's throw a party
to cover up the fact

we forgot Dad's birthday.

- Is that sound
coming from the van?

I've been telling Hugo
to get it checked for months.

It's fine. It's probably just
a rusty... wheel... plug.

- A rusty wheel plug?
- That's not a thing.

Oh, are you both
van experts now?

You know what?
I don't really care.

I just want to get this
over with as soon as possible

and get back to work.

And what do you think
wedo, Bob?

You don't think we work,
too, Bob?

I know you work, Hugo.

I'm sure it's exhausting
harassing people

and trying to shut down
literally

every restaurant in town.

- Ow!
- Harassing people? Wow.

Bob, health inspectors
are the thin green line

between the diners of this town

and gastrointestinal
catastrophe.

- Preach.
- You know what?

I'd like to show you something.

Is it something that will

- make this day take longer?
- Yes.

You're coming with us
on an inspection.

No, no, no, no. No.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Welcome to your
worst nightmare, Bob.

Except worse,
because of all the violations.

Hugo, has this place
even opened yet?

It opens next week.
What's your point?

How bad can it be?
It looks like a nice place.

It's probably just a nice person
serving nice food.

Oh, is it nice food, Bob?

Is it a nice person
serving nice food, Bob?

I don't know how you
get through the day, Ron.

- What?
- Why don't you put your mouth

where your mouth is?

No matter what happens in there,
no matter what you see,

no matter what you smell,

you will eat a wrap
at the end of this inspection.

Yeah, I'll eat a wrap.
I'll eat the crap out of a wrap.

Okay. After you.

Wait, no, you go after me.
Ron, get the door.

Ooh, wow.
Real-life health inspectors

in my restaurant?

Now this is getting real.

Now, this is getting veryreal.

I'm sorry,
I didn't get your name?

Don't worry about him.

He's just a guy named Bob.
Bob Dork.

- That's not my name.
- He's not a health inspector.

- Thank God.
- He just wishes he was.

- And he doesn't talk.
- Mm.

We're still in the middle
of our "medium soft practice

kinda-sorta not really
opening" opening.

Hey, where do you guys
think this plant should go?

- Here? Here?
- Mm.

- Mm. Mm. Mm.
- Here? Here?

- You don't sound happy. Here?
- Mm.

- Here?
- Uh, yeah. There.

- Really? Wow.
- O-Or maybe there.

Are you kidding me?
We don't care about the plant!

Take us to the kitchen.

Uh, this chicken
needs to be stored

at 40 degrees or less.

Oh, fun chicken fact.
How do you even know that?

Oh, God.

Hold on.
When was the last time

you washedthis rag?

I'm sorry... washed?
Are you saying washedthe rag?

Oh, God.

There are rodent droppings

near your salad prep area!

Oh, that'swhat those are.

Okay, you can just
flick them away.

Oh, God.

So, what do you say, Mort?

You gonna come over to celebrate
your favorite burger man?

Gosh, Linda, I wish I could,

but I have a funeral tonight.

Can't be in two places at once.

Which, by the way,
is how this guy died.

So, what do you say, Reggie...
You think you can make it?

Aw, geez, Linda, I would,
but they

have to check me out
of Intensive Care.

Just a little heart attack,
nothing to worry about.

Oh-oh, my God, Reggie,
I'm so sorry,

but I got to call you back
tomorrow. Okay, bye.

Delightful. I will absolutely
be there. Count me in.

Oh, really, Mr. Fischoeder?
That's great.

Wait, who-who is this?

It-It's Linda. Lin...

From Linda and Bob?

Oh, I can't make it.

I, um, a dog is, uh,

biting my, uh, leg.

You can bring the dog,
if you come.

Mm, he doesn't want to go.

- So, how did I do?
- Not good.

- So... not too shabby?
- No!

You did bad.

I don't understand.
I-I did everything right.

You did almost nothing right.

Okay, so what does
this mean for the restaurant?

It means the last wrap
you're making today

- is for Bob.
- Oh. Okay.

And while you do that, I'm going
to read off your violations.

Dirty utensils.
Illegal use of the finger.

Strange, booger-looking
viscous material

on your cutting board.

Keep chewing.
We had a deal.

Excessively thick milk.

Moldy mango. Fuzzy tortillas.

Mom, I know you're busy,
but look whose hair

is perfectly normal.

Does he have magic marker
on his forehead?

I'm really surprised
you noticed,

but I don't think anyone else
is going to be able to tell.

I like the smell, but I'm dizzy.

Enough hair talk.
I've got a party to plan here.

Reggie was a no. Mort was a no.
Teddy's out of town.

Mike the Mailman said he left
something in his truck

and then he never came back.

At least we have decorations.

I mean, I'm pulling my weight.

- Tina, the party's upstairs.
- What?

Yeah. -Son of a bitch! Why
didn't somebody stop me?

Just kidding, I'm just kidding.

You're nailing it.
You're nailing it.

I mean, you're not.
You're taping it, but...

Yeah, I found this tape
in the bathroom.

It had a lot of floss on it,
but it still works.

You guys having a "going out
of business" prom, or...

Come on.

Oh, go put a cannoli
up your holey.

Oh...

Hair.

We're planning
a surprise party for my dad

and you're not invited.

Oh, yeah? Well, how many
people are coming?

Uh... we got a... few.

I mean, tons.
Tons of people.

Whoa...

Everyone said no, huh?

- Oh, you shush.
- Oh, no!

- Tina, what happened?
- Damn floss tape!

This is the saddest
surprise party ever.

- When is it?
- 7:00.

I'm coming back.

Oh, I cannot wait
to see the look

on Bob's dumb face
when he cries.

Uh, at least we have
Jimmy Pesto. That's one.

You, sir, are hereby prohibited
from serving food

until all violations
have been corrected.

- You get an F.
- Out of...?

Here's the sign. You're supposed
to put it in the window.

- 'Kay, but what if people see it?
- That's the point!

- Ron, Bob, get in the van.
- Oh, God.

At least we'll be moving,
I guess.

And this will be over soon.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Is smoke supposed to be coming
out of the front or the back?

Because it's coming out of both.

- And the sides.
- Damn it!

Okay, new plan. All the
customers that are here now...

Let's just keep 'em here
until 7:00.

We'll, uh, pretend
they're your dad's friends.

He'll never catch on.

It'll be an extra surprise
party. It's not even

people your father knows.
It's total strangers.

That's a good idea, right?

Uh, Mom?
Are you feeling okay?

- Your eye is twitching.
- I'm f-I'm fine. I'm fine.

Miss? I'll-I'll take a check
when you get a chance.

- Oh, God.
- Stall, Mom, stall.

- Don't give it to her.
- Uh... No.

- What?
- Nice one, bro.

I mean, um, I got to go
into the kitchen.

- Uh, I won't be back
until, uh... 7-00.

I know what a dipstick is, Ron.

When you're called something
enough times, you look it up.

Wow, I'm really surprised
I did so bad.

- I've never done bad at-at anything.
- Really?

Ugh, sorry.

I mean, in the finance world,
I just kept making money.

- Too much money, you know what I mean?
- Uh, yeah.

I mean, no, I don't
really know what you mean.

When I said I was gonna open
this place, people were like,

"You should go to school
and get training."

And I was like,
"I just want to open it.

I've got the killer name.
The rest'll work itself out."

Oh, Bob Dork, are you okay?

Do you always sweat this much?

Am-am I sweating?
Yeah. I am.

Hmm. You think
it's something you ate?

- I do. I really do.
- Hey, guys,

I think Bob Dork's
not feeling very well.

Are you gonna throw up?

Yeah. A lot.

Geez, you're right in front
of my restaurant.

I feel like, you know,
you puking plus the "F" rating,

it-it might not so look good.

He's fine.

Ev-Everything's fine.
Yeah, we open next week.

Come by, lunch and dinner.

Okay, uh, th-there you go,
big fella.

Okay, I-I know some of you
don't know Bob that well,

but all you got to do is stick
around till he shows up,

you say, "Surprise," and I'll
give you all free ice cream.

- That's pretty sad.
- Yes, it is.

This is gonna be hilarious.

Guy probably doesn't even
like surprise parties.

What do you mean? Everybody
likes surprise parties.

That's a known fact.

Uh, yeah, Linda.
Everybody loves

coming back
to their peaceful abode

and having a bunch of people
jump out and scream at 'em.

Or "Surprise" or whatever.

Huh. That is true, Mom.

Dad doesn't like parties
very much.

- Or surprises.
- Or us. Well, you guys.

Oh, my God.
I guess that's true.

Just because I like
throwing parties

doesn't mean he likes
having 'em thrown for him.

I was so caught up
in all the party planning,

I missed what was
right in front of me.

Your boobs?

I know what we need to do.

Is it something with your boobs?

No. Get off the boobs, guys.
We're moving on.

Never!

Well, Bob, is there anything
you want to say

about health inspectors?

Okay, Hugo.
You were right. I admit it.

Y-You have a very important job.

You keep people safe
from restaurants like Sam's.

It's nice to be
appreciated, Bob.

And I can smell
how much you mean it.

You know, in finance,
there's no inspectors.

You just don't need 'em.

You know, Hugo, we need
to get Bob back by 7:00.

If... a certain... phone call
is going to happen?

You know what?
I don't care, Ron.

Watching Bob vomit and say
how cool health inspectors are

is way better than that
phone call ever would've been.

What are you guys
talking about?

Let's just stick him in a cab
and call a tow.

I might have an alcoholic drink
tonight, an alcoholic wine.

Wait, don't I have to
go to your office to...

sign a form?

"Sign a form."

That's you, Bob.

Forget about the license.
We'll do it later.

Consider it a birthday present.

Oh, is it your birthday,
Bob Dork?

Wait, h-how did you know
it was my birthday?

Uh... Ron told me.

Uh... yeah, I know
everyone's birthday.

It's a blessing and a curse.

Oh, God. Did Linda ask you
to get me out of the restaurant

so she could set something up?
Is this all made up?

Uh... Ah, fine. Yes.

Wait, was my health inspection
made up, too?

No, your restaurant's
disgusting.

- Mm. Fair enough.
- Oh, I really don't want to go

- to a surprise birthday party.
- You don't? Why not?

I don't like surprise parties
or non-surprise parties.

Oh, do you think your birthday
is about you, Bob?

- Huh?
- It's not.

It's about the people
who care about you

showing that they
care about you.

And you don't complain about it,
you appreciate it!

Unless you're a baby.
Are you a baby, Bob?

No. -Well, you are throwing up a lot.
Like a baby.

Do you know what I would give
for someone... anyone...

To celebrate me?
I have no one.

- No one!
- Well, you have one person.

- No one!
- You have... Oh.

Oh, God.
Hugo, I-I can't believe

I'm about to say this, but...

I... I think you
might be right. Again.

You do? -Yeah. I shouldn't

complain about
a surprise party

if it makes Linda happy
to throw one.

Go to her, Bob.

- I need a ride.
- I can give you a ride.

I've got a convertible, so you
can just puke over the side

- if you need to.
- I will need to, Sam.

I will need to.
Oh, and Hugo?

- Um, thanks.
- I hate you.

- What's that?
- Nothing. Uh, happy birthday.

I hate you.

Uh, thanks for the ride, Sam.

Uh, listen, don't take this
the wrong way, but, um,

chef to chef, you should
get some training.

Um, maybe a lot of training.

Or maybe I'll just switch
to something easier, like sushi.

That's fish, right?

- Hey, Gene.
- Aah! He's here. He's here.

And he definitely didn't see me.

Okay, act surprised.
Just...

just act surprised and smile.

That's not a smile.

That's a smile. I think.

Hello?

Hello?
Hello?

Hi, Bobby.

Hi.
Is anyone else here?

- Just us. -Hello, Father.
- Hi, Dad.

Hi, kids. Gene, I like it.
I like what you're doing there.

Thank you.
I'm turning lemons into

"lemme tell you about my hair."

So there's not
a room full of people

waiting to jump out
and yell, "Surprise"?

Bob, listen.
The truth is

we all forgot about
your birthday yesterday,

and... Wait, how'd you know we
were planning a surprise party?

Hugo and Ron spilled the beans.

I'm sorry, Bob.

I felt awful about
forgetting your birthday,

and I really wanted
to make it up to you.

- It's okay, honestly.
- Well, it's not okay to me.

At first we wanted
to throw you a party,

but then we realized that's
probably not what youwanted,

so we canceled it.

Dad, you should've seen
how many people showed up.

And the streamers
looked amazing.

So, we got you what we think
you really wanted.

Bobby, I present to you
your belated birthday present.

The... couch?

Yes, but not just the couch.

Also, we put one of your Western
flicks in the DVD player,

and we made you a freshly
grilled steak. Look.

And I promise it always
had those bites taken out of it.

And we warmed up your sweatpants
in the dryer,

- the way you like them. -Hot pants.
- Toasted buns.

It's... perfect.
It's absolutely perfect.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, I was ready
for a big party.

I-I really was, because I know
you like to throw those,

and that's totally fine.

Okay. Sounds like
it's not fine, but go on.

This is so much better.

Oh, oh, I almost forgot.
Uh, here, for you.

- Here you go.
- Oh, my God!

It's the bacon weight.
H-How did you get this?

I drove over to the antique shop
in Bog Harbor.

Oh, it feels nice.
Really nice.

- Get a room.
- I will.

Having a real rager
for your birthday, huh, Bob?

Oh!
Keep it down up there

or I'm calling the cops.

- Ha, ha. You're dumb.
- No, Jimmy, you're...

On your left, ma'am.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that's...

Can't stop watching.
Jimmy, you all right?

I'm all right.

He'll probably
be fine. Let's start the movie.

Stupid bike.
Drive a car, you cave man!

This really is
the best birthday ever.

Aah!

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ We forgot about
your birthday ♪

♪ And then you threw up ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Happy birthday, Bob ♪

♪ We forgot it then you threw
up, we forgot it ♪

♪ Then you threw up
, we forgot it then you threw up ♪

♪ We forgot it then
you threw up, we forgot it ♪

♪ Then you threw up ♪

Sorry.