Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 14 - Go Tina on the Mountain - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

RANGER CARL: At the
Outdoor Education Center,

nature is the classroom.

But it's not just bonding over fox scat.

These kids bond through team building.

Teamwork is the only
way to get to the top

of Mount Windygap.

It's a powerful experience,
like an epiphany,

- a nature-iphany.
- Wow.

I can't wait to be on
top of Mount Windygap

and have my nature-iphany.



Well, I'm just excited to blow off

four days of school at Outdoor Ed.

You're not blowing off school, Missy.

Your teachers are gonna
be there, teaching.

Doesn't mean I got to learn.

It's gonna be hard not to learn

with nature doing
most of the teaching...

and changing, of our lives.

♪ ♪

(SCREECHES)

What's that, giant eagle?

You want to become one
and forever be known

- as Teagle!
- (SCREECHES)

LOUISE: But Tina, you already
have a super cool nickname.



Huh? - Oh! My Tina's got a
super cool nickname?

Well, what is it? What is it?

Uh, I-I'd rather not say.

- Fluffy-Butt.
- Fluffy-Butt?

Oh, sweetie, why?

(SIGHS) I was in the girls' bathroom,

all alone, and I
started singing the song

from the Cloud Fresh
toilet paper commercial.

♪ Fluffy-butt, fluffy-butt,
oh, fluffy, fluffy... ♪

LOUISE: But you weren't alone, were you?

♪ Fluffy, fluffy, fluffy-butt ♪

(MOUTH POPS) ♪ A bom, bom, bom. ♪

(LAUGHTER)

And I didn't even mind being
called Fluffy-Butt at first.

But when you hear it every
day, in every class...

- And in the hall.
- And morning announcements.

It starts to seem like
people aren't being fluffy,

fun and friendly, like
it says on the package.

Sorry, Tina. Hey, nicknames
don't last forever.

BUT BE CAREFUL: The more you
fight it, the more it sticks.

I knew a kid who had to change
schools 'cause of a nickname.

- They called him "Bobby Belchbottoms."
- Aw.

LOUISE: Who was that kid, Dad?
No one you know.

This isn't about some random
kid from your past, Dad.

This is about me,

and how Outdoor Ed is
gonna fix everything.

So say good-bye to Fluffy-Butt,
'cause it's the last time

anyone's gonna hear it.

♪ Fluffy-Butt, Fluffy-Butt ♪

♪ Oh, Fluffy, Fluffy-Butt ♪

♪ Fluffy-Butt. ♪

RANGER CARL: If you get bit by a tick,

let Mr. Tweezers know.

If you get a splinter,
also a job for Mr. Tweezers.

Oh, and, uh, another topic,
totally unrelated to safety:

There may or may not be someone
living in the woods nearby.

The so-called "Windygap
Hermit," he's not dangerous...

Or, maybe he is, we really don't know.

I mean, there have been
some missing hatchets

and some other things,
but they could be anywhere.

So if anyone notices
anything suspicious,

- please tell...
- ZEKE: Mr. Tweezers?

Uh, no. Me.

Ranger Carl. Or Mr. Tweezers, yeah.

- I'll probably tell Tweezers.
- I get it.

Now, we're gonna do things a
little differently this week,

because they're predicting
rain for the next few days.

There's gonna be a lot more indoor ed

- here at the Outdoor Ed Center.
- JOCELYN: Wait, what?

- ZEKE: Come on.
- Yes?

But we're still gonna team-build
on the ropes course, right?

No, the ropes course isn't
safe in the rain. Yes?

But we're still gonna
hike to the top of Mount

Windygap, for our
nature-iphanies, right?

No, the last quarter mile of
that trail is in a steep notch.

It's like the mountain's rain gutter.

Totally impassable in
bad weather. Really?

But what if the rain
stops before Friday?

Well, it's not supposed to.
But what if it does?

Well, I don't think it will.
But what if it does?

Well, there's no sense discussing that,
because it's not gonna happen.

- Damn it.
- (WHISPERS): Sorry, T.

At least we still get a few
days of blowing off school.

For those of you who
think you're just gonna

blow off school while
we're up here, forget it.

You'll have your regular
classwork, plus nature stuff.

- Oh, man.
- Son of a bitch.

TEDDY: Wow. Three big nights alone.
So what's the plan?

Well, we haven't made any plans.

Wait, aren't you excited to
have couple time together?

- Of course we are.
- Um, yes.

Oh, then let's brainstorm.

There's, uh, stand-up comedy classes.

- Ah.
- Uh...

- There's couples hot therapy.
- Ooh. -Mm.

There's watching hockey
with a friend. Huh?

- Hmm...
- All those things sound great.

Ooh! We're gonna go crazy.

(BOTH SNORING)

(YAWNS)

- Lin.
- What? What? What?

We fell asleep on the couch.

What? Did we do anything fun?

I mean, we ate a lot of cheese.

Ugh, carry me to bed.

Ugh, carry me to bed.

TINA: I don't remember kids being all
cooped up in the video.

We're supposed to be out there.

Up to our asses in nature.

Whoa, Tina, nature's
all around you, girl.

This napkin came from a tree.

Yeah, and this syrup... tree.

Sausage... tree.

- Hey, Fluffy-B, pass the salt.
- Ugh! That's it.

I need some space.

How about that salt? Little help?

I don't think you're
supposed to be out here.

Well, I didn't come
all this way to not go

on a life-changing nature hike.

- Who's coming with me?
- Ugh, fine.

We'll go with you on
your life-changing hike.

Just make it quick.

Hey, let's go off-trail
to find some fox scat.

A scat-Enger hunt.

Is it everything you hoped it'd be?

(SIGHS)

We can go back now, if you want.

Already walking.

Huh, where's that darn trail?

Whoa. What the hell is this place?

Can't even see all this
from just back there.

It's literally off the beaten path.

Do you think someone's here?

We should ask that lady holding an axe!

- Hi.
- (SCREAMING)

(MOANING)

Wait, you're scared?

I'm the one who should be scared.

You're barging in
without knocking. Rude.

Right, but you're the
one with the axe. So...

This? (LAUGHING) Oh...

I was just playing darts.

Whoa.

Live out here as long as I have,

and you get tossy with the hatchet.

Wait, you live here?

Are the hermit Ranger
Carl told us about?

The Windygap Hermit?

"Hermit"? Really? That's
what society is calling me?

Not the Wonder Woman of the Woods?

No, just "hermit."

I hate labels.

(INHALES, EXHALES)

Labels.

All better.

What was that totally
normal thing you just did?

A cleansing ritual I made up.

Does it work?
Don't I look cleansed?

Eh. Yes? Uh...

So what's a girl got to do to
get a turn throwing that thing?

You want me to teach you
how to throw a hatchet?

Um, does a hermit
scat in the woods?

There they are. Party animals.

So what'd you do? Where'd you go?

- We, um...
- Oh, we ate a bunch of cheese

and fell asleep on the couch.

What? You fell asleep on the couch?

This time is a gift.

It's a chance to
reconnect with one another.

Why do I have to explain this to you?

Okay, Teddy, calm down.

We were tired.

We'll make up for it tonight.

Damn right you will. And
when I come in here tomorrow,

I better be dazzled
by your date tonight.

Dazzled! (PANTING)

What burger today, Bobby?

"Paprika," that sounds pretty good.

So how long have you lived
here, um, Hermit Lady?

My name's Martha...
Uh, well, it used to be.

The wind spoke through the
trees, and I was born anew as...

(WHOOSHING)

Cool if we just call you "Martha"?

- Sure.
- Thanks. We don't speak wind.

What do you kids go by?

That's Louise, he's Gene and I'm Tina.

But I'm hoping to get
a nature name of my own.

- Teagle.
- That's up to nature, now, isn't it?

First, you got to level up.

"Level up"? What's that?

"Level up"? It's level up.

Level up!

Oh, like, level up.

Yeah, you got it. Level up.

I was supposed to level up, when-when we
did the hike to the top of Mount Windygap.

Now that's not gonna happen.
Why not?

Cause we're not allowed to
do the team-building ropes

course in the rain, or hike
the mountain in the rain.

It's a real "blame it
on the rain" situation.

Team building?

You really think other people are gonna
help you get what you want in life?

It looked really good in the video.

Take it from a hermit... teams are dumb.

- Feels like it's almost lunch.
- Oh, we better go.

If we don't show up for the next
meal, they're gonna look for us.

Uh, I hate to be that
lady you met in the woods

who's like, "Hey, kids,
don't tell anyone about this,"

but, uh, can you not
tell anyone about this?

About me?

You got it, fun stranger.

Where are you kids coming from?

We just stepped out for a smoke.

Well, I guess in all this rain,
you can't burn down the forest.

Hey, but also, don't smoke. (CHUCKLES)

You know, I can't tell if you're joking.

Well, let's get inside.

It's time to learn
our famous weasel song.

I can't tell if you're joking.

Well, I've got the weasel.

You can pretty much
see that I'm not joking.

And then you guys
sing ♪ Who's that ♪

♪ Knocking on my hole? ♪

And then you all sing
♪ Weasel, weasel ♪

♪ If you please'll... ♪

And then this group goes,

- ♪ Eeh, eeh... ♪
- Where were you, Tina?

Oh, just off, trying to level up.

"Level up"? What's that?

What's F-Butt fluffering about?

You know what, Tammy?

Wait, no, I know what to do.

(EXHALES)

Labels.

Wow, that did feel good.

Whoa, did you just call me "Labels"?

- No, I was...
- It's not nice to call people names.

Huh? No, no, that's what you
guys have been doing to me.

- I was just...
- Not cool, Fluffy-Butt-Label-Face.

Not cool.

LINDA: ♪ I'm putting on my shoes ♪

♪ My really good shoes ♪

♪ My date night shoes ♪

♪ And my date night earrings. ♪

So, what sounds good, Lin?

Dinner and a movie?

Dinner and two movies.

All I know is, we're gonna go nuts.

Let's get this party start...

(BOTH SNORING)

- Oh, no, oh, no. No.
- What? Wait, what? What happened?

We fell asleep on the couch again.

Maybe we're too old to have fun.

I'm not old, you're old.

Going back to sleep.

Rub my bunions.

First stop when we get home... (GRUNTS)

(HATCHET THUNKS) hatchet store.

And then, I did the cleansing ritual
and felt better for, like, a second.

But then, they started
all over again. (GROANS)

Why do you care so much
what these other kids think?

Because... I don't know, I-I just do.

It's because you're living
your life for other people.

I am? Huh. Maybe I am.

I used to be just like you.

I thought I had it all.

The one bedroom apartment,
the Nissan Altima lease, the

job at a brand management
company in an office park.

But ever since I was like
"see ya" to society,

I don't care what
anyone thinks of me.

Wow, and I thought Outdoor
Ed was gonna open my eyes.

But it turns out, it
took a weird lady hermit.

AND HER THREE AMAZING HATCHETS:

Buddy Hatchet, Teri
Hatchet and Orrin Hatchet.

Still, it would've been great

to get to the top of Mount Windygap.

Yep, old Mount Windygap,
so gappy, so windy.

Oh, my God, you've been to
the top of Mount Windygap?

- Mm-hmm.
- By yourself?

Yeah, uh, yep. Mm-hmm.

Huh. I thought the
only way to get

to the top was with teamwork.

I think you're my hero.

I want a poster of you.
(GRUNTS)

And how has this not replaced golf?

LINDA: Don't even think
about that couch, mister.

I'm not. Much.

What's taking you so long?

I wanted to change my look a

little, get in the
mood to go out.

Can't stay home looking like this, huh?

Ha, ha!

I'm Miami Beach bronze, baby.

You used a tanning spray?

I'm a hottie in another body.

Mm. Does that body have jaundice?

Yeah, well, now, you have jaundice.

Ha.
Ow! Hey, stop.

- (LAUGHS)
- Oh, man... ugh.

It isn't coming off.

Well, there's only one thing to do now.

Lin, there's a reason I
never wear these old clothes.

Okay, that white sport coat
might make me look incredible.

And it does. You look good, too.

Actually, I don't know how you look,

'cause I can't take my eyes off me.

♪ Oh, yeah. ♪

Just an FYI, Tammy.

I don't care what other
people think about me anymore,

- so, yeah, good night.
- Really?

Yep. - So you don't care if
we call you "Flufficus-Butticus"?

Which is, of course, the
Latin name for your species.

Nope. Not at all.

What about "Fluff With a Side of Butt"?

Nope.

BOB: Oh, my God.

Wh-Why do we have to go dancing here?

There has to be a place that's, like,

- more from the present.
- What'll it be, chief?

Oh. Chief. I like chief.

Yeah, you do. What are you drinkin'?

Um, I-I don't know. What should I get?

Two Long Island Iced Teas.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo! (RHYTHMIC GRUNTING)

- Nice moves, Bobby!
- This one's called

another round of Long Island Iced Teas!

LINDA: Ha-ha-ha!

(CACKLING LAUGHTER)

Oh, we never want this night to end!

- Oh, it ended.
- That's it, people. We're closed.

- Hey, our kids are out of town.
- Party at our place!

(WHOOPING)

I'll bring me!

(BOTH SNORING LOUDLY)

(LINDA SNORTING)

Lin. Lin.

- Wha-Wha-Wha...?
- (GROANS) Did we bring people back here?

Yeah, I think we did.

Are we really cool now?

I think we are.

Oh, no.

- No, no, no!
- Oh, God!

Linda! Why did you
bring people back here?

I'm never gonna stop caring
what people think about me

if I'm too afraid to level up.

I got to get to the
top of Mount Windygap.

Martha did it alone, so I can, too.

P.S. I had another dream
where Jimmy Jr. and Zeke

switched heads... What's up with that?

♪ There's a bear over there ♪

♪ With a ribbon in her
hair, and she says ♪

(DEEP VOICE): ♪ "Howdy do!" ♪

- Know what time it is?
- Hatchet o'clock.

Yep. Where's Tina?

She's not here.

Did she go see Martha without us?

This is why we need to
put a GPS chip in that gal!

Or what if we read her journal?

Blah, blah, blah.

Teen stuff. Hormones.

(GASPS) Tina's going to the top
of Mount Windygap by herself?

- Aah!
- And she's having that dream again.

The one where Jimmy Jr.
And Zeke switch heads?

- Yeah.
- What's up with that?

Come on, Teagle, you
can do this. No, I can't.

That's Tina speaking.
Don't listen to her, Teagle.

Martha? Martha!

- (IN DISTANCE): Way to go. Level up.
- Shh, shh. Wait.

Do you hear that? It's
coming from in there.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Way to go. Level up.

(SCREAMS) What the...?

LOUISE: What is all this stuff?

Is that a towel warmer?

(GASPS) You're no hermit!

You're not even a camper!
You're a glamper. Ugh.

- Way to go. Level up.
- "Level up" is from a video game?

- (SIGHS): Yeah.
- Letting Go...

Cleansing Rituals for Divorced Men.

(GASPS) I suppose you didn't even think

of that slightly underwhelming
cleansing ritual yourself!

It came from this disc of sadness!

Where'd you get all this stuff?

Mostly from the ranger's cabin.

We believed you. We
believed that you were

the Wonder Woman of the Woods.

I know. I got excited.
I almost believed me.

I mean, I was the Wonder
Woman of the Woods at first,

for a day... Well, for half a day.

Then I got so hungry.

Then I had to steal frozen
food from the Outdoor Ed Center,

and then the microwave
from the ranger's cabin.

And is that a Wi-Fi router?

Yeah. Do you need the password?

- You're a total fraud.
- Um, ouch?

And you probably never climbed
Mount Windygap by yourself.

The mountain? (CHUCKLES)

No. It's a mountain.

Well, guess who's trying
to climb that mountain

in the rain by herself.

Ooh! Is it someone famous?

No. Our sister! Remember?
There was three of us?

One was hanging on
your every lying word?

Crap. What could I do?
She was staring at me

with those "I want you to
climb the mountain" eyes.

- We know those eyes.
- Gene, we need to get help

- from grown-ups.
- I'm a...

- Real grown-ups.
- Gotcha.

♪ ♪

Mr. Frond, we need your help.

Not now, Louise. I'm swamped.

Whatever you're thinking about doing

with that banana and those plums, don't!

- It's an emergency.
- Everything's an emergency!

I've got six kids locked
out of their cabins,

another six locked in, and
I have a kink in my neck

'cause I don't have my neck pillow.

You're not listening!

A hermit has led Tina astray!

She's going up the mountain!

Damn it, Andy and Ollie,
don't kiss the weasel!

It's got mites!

Where's the rescue party?

You're lookin' at it.

- Where are you guys going?
- Is it anywhere but here?

Yeah, we can't take it in there anymore.

I can't stand any more songs
that start at different times.

Rounds. They're called rounds.

- What's round?
- Ugh!

So what are you guys doing?

- Going to save Tina's life.
- What? Where is she?

Trying to get to the top of
Mount Windygap in the rain

by herself, thanks to
Hermit the Fraud over here.

Hi.

- Can we come with?
- Sure, fine, but we're going now.

ZEKE: Let's move!
- TAMMY: Ugh. Can we rescue someone else?

Bob? Linda?

You in there? You gotta open up!

It's way past restaurant time.

LINDA: Teddy! We're up here, Teddy.

- Linda? I can't see you.
- We're up here. We're up here.

Where are you, Linda?

I can hear you, but I can't see you!

- Look up, Teddy.
- Oh. You're up there.

Why didn't you just say you're up there?
She did say it.

Oh. I get a strong whiff of
vomit. What happened there?

- Vomit.
- We went to the Lucky Lizard,

and then some lizards followed us home,

and the whole place is trashed.

Really? I'm proud of
you. I'm so proud of you.

- Thanks, Teddy.
- You guys look weird.

- We got some color.
- Got some color. Good for you.

So, uh, about the burger?

It's gonna be a while, Teddy.

I'll wait. Maybe down
the block a little.

Kind of stinks here. You
stunk up the block, Bobby.

But I'm proud of ya!

FROND: Okay, okay,

Henry Haber got his nasal
irrigation kit. Check.

The Belchers. They-they
wanted something.

Where'd they go?

Everything okay? You
look really sweaty.

It's fine. It's nothing. A
couple of kids were saying

something about their
sister going up the mountain

in the rain, and
something about a hermit.

Probably just messing
with me, out of respect.

- Hermit? Did you say hermit?
- I don't know!

I-I don't have a recording
of everything I've said!

♪ ♪

I'm gonna get you, hermit...

and/or missing kid.

(GRUNTING)

You're not gonna stop me,
rain. I'm almost there.

(RUMBLING)

Aah! Damn it, rain, I didn't
know you were gonna bring

your friends, mud and rocks!

Okay, okay, too steep
in there to go forward,

no trail anymore to go back. Cool, cool.

So I'll just live here. Good plan.

Help!

(PANTING): Wait! Everyone, just wait!

- So you're the Windygap Hermit?
- Yes.

- Eh.
- Barely.

I've dedicated the last 14
days of my life to catching you.

Can this wait? We need
to rescue my sister.

Damn it! You're right. Listen, hermit,

we'll work together to rescue this kid,

but right after that,
you're getting a citation

for illegal camping and
possible microwave taking.

- Fine.
- Great.

Great. Just one more thing.

I wasn't expecting you
to be so... not a man.

Okay, that's it. Let's
go rescue this kid.

Oh... damn you, nature.

GENE: Tina! We're here!

You're gonna live! Probably!

Watch your step. The trail washed out.

- (GASPING)
- JOCELYN: Oh, my God!

- Yeah, it does that.
- Damn!

I think we did this rescue thing wrong!

I'll radio this in.

Oh... crap.

I'm starting to think it was a bad idea

to try this alone...
I'm no warrior hermit

like you, Martha.

Yeah, about that, Martha...

Right. So...

Tina, look, I never reached
the top of Mount Windygap alone.

I'm not really technically
a hermit, I guess.

What? But all that stuff
you said, it seemed so true.

That's because I was throwing a hatchet.

Everything sounds great when
you're throwing a hatchet.

Look, I tried to be a real
hermit, I really, really did,

but it's so hard and so
boring and so wet and so cold.

- So why didn't you just go home?
- It's complicated.

I had my own team-building issues,

and label issues.

Like when your hip
brand management company

expects you to run a small team
and you're stuck with Brian,

who undermines everything!

And I'm the mean lady who
told him to stop saying.

"Brian no likey" during
meetings! That's a label!

Can we talk about this later?
We got to find a way down.

I don't think we can go down.
I think the only way out is up.

(SOBS) I will kill you if
I die out here, Fluffy-Butt!

Me, too. I don't want
to die in this jacket.

Really? I think that jacket's cute.

- You do?
- I'd totally die in that jacket.

Now I wanna die in it.

Oh, yay! Somebody finally
ate my leftover Linguini.

(SIGHS) Do we have to do this?
Can't we just move or something?

No, no, no. The kids
cannot know this happened.

If we get busted for having people over,

we'll never be able to tell them
not to do dumb things like this.

And clean, and clean, and clean.

I'm cleaning, I'm cleaning.

I mean, I'm just
throwing everything away.

- Is that cleaning?
- No, that's a plate!

I don't want to alarm anyone,

but this rain is gonna
wash us off the rock.

And not in a good way!

Outdoor Ed, why have you forsaken us?!

Oh, Outdoor Ed. The Outdoor Ed video.

Guys, we can get to safety.
We'll have to work together.

- Fine, great, let's do it. How?
- In the video, there are

these kids doing this thing
where they put their hands...

You're talking about the
four-man hoist-and-pull.

That won't work. The
rain makes it impossible.

No, not that. It was
a ropes course thing,

where two people lean out
and put their hands together.

- Oh, yeah. The two-man steeple.
- Can we say "person"?

Sorry, all the names are from a
pamphlet Teddy Roosevelt wrote.

Oh, good, really interesting!
Tina, what do we do?!

You lean out towards the person
across from you and grab hands.

Tammy, you and me.
On the count of three.

One, two...

Wait, what? What?

Lean to me now!

It's working! Now we sidestep.

(GRUNTING)

Come on, guys, partner
up and get moving.

- Here we go.
- Here, climb on.

(ALL GRUNTING)

(GASPING)

We made it...

to the top of Mount Windygap!

- Ah...
- Yeah!

- Sweet.
- Wuff.

You guys, it's happening.

We're having our nature-iphanies.

- Do what?
- Our epiphanies in nature.

I'm realizing you can't
level up all alone,

but you also can't rely on other people

to make you feel the
way you want to feel.

It takes both... teamwork
and alone stuff.

- I taught her that.
- So I don't care

if people call me Fluffy-Butt

or Teagle... it doesn't matter.

- Teagle?
- A cross between Tina and eagle.

Anyway, I know who I am.

- (BIRD CRIES)
- (GASPS) An eagle? Where?

- Nah, it's just a crow.
- (HIGH-PITCHED): Fluffy-Butt.

- Did that crow just say "Fluffy-Butt"?
- What? No.

- (HIGH-PITCHED): Fluffy-Butt.
- Oh, maybe.

- Even if it did, I don't mind it.
- (HIGH-PITCHED): Fluffy-Butt.

Okay, that's enough.

So, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

hermit, is there a his-met?

Ranger Carl, are you hitting on me?

Yeah, he is!

So, how was it? Tell us everything.

(SIGHS): Ah, where do I even begin?

Wait. (SNIFFS)

It smells like beer. And puke.

Uh, that's your mom's,
uh, new, uh, new perfume.

Did you throw a party
while we were out of town?

Some kind of tanning party?

A party? (SCOFFS) Us?
What are you... No!

GENE: There's a
middle-aged lady in my bed.

- Uh-oh.
- WOMAN: Ooh! Hi!

Is there any Linguini left?

- LINDA: Ah, crap.
- Aha!

RANGER CARL: ♪ Who's that
knockin' on my hole? ♪

KIDS: ♪ Who's that
knockin' on my hole? ♪

RANGER CARL: ♪ Weasel,
weasel, if you please'll ♪

KIDS: ♪ Weasel, weasel,
if you please'll ♪

♪ Whoo, whoo ♪

♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo ♪

♪ Whoo, whoo ♪

♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo ♪

RANGER CARL: Really do
it like a weasel would.

♪ Second verse, same as the first ♪

♪ Who's that knockin'
on my hole? ♪ Come on!

♪ Who's that knockin' on my hole? ♪

♪ Weasel, weasel, if you please'll ♪

♪ Weasel, weasel, if you... ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.